


Crumbling

by YulianaHenderson



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Brief fling, Depression, F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Full on family fluff, Impossible Pregnancy, Like it takes a while to get to family fluff but once we're there, Near Death Experiences, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Surprise Reunion, Therapy, Tubal Ligation, Unplanned Pregnancy, christmas in june? yes please, dealing with depression, mama may, tags will be added as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 65
Words: 198,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22548865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YulianaHenderson/pseuds/YulianaHenderson
Summary: Have you ever noticed how when a house collapses, it doesn't always go down completely at first? It usually starts with some cracks, which grow bigger and bigger, until finally, a little push can send the walls flying out. Well, Melinda May might be the same; she's a bunker, always remains standing, but even a bunker can collapse. Losing Phil Coulson might be the final straw. She just doesn't know how to deal with that.
Relationships: Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 277
Kudos: 235





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (Long Author's Note coming up, you can totally skip if you'd like!)  
> Alriiiiiight so I hadn't realized it had been eight months since I've last posted something, and it feels odd to be posting this now. I have been working on this piece off and on since January 4th, 2019, so over a year. You can imagine my anxiety for letting go of this baby, but it needs to be done, because it deserves to see the light of day. And perhaps nobody will like it, perhaps this will be overlooked in all of the other amazing fanfics I've been reading these days, but at least this baby will be out there and can be read, which is what I had intended for it in the first place. This chapter is probably the shortest in this entire fic, but it was meant as just a quick introduction to the story.  
> So, this is a long one, y'all. When I say long, I'm not exaggerating. This fic is 188K+ words and counting. So please, cut me some slack when you see some typos here and there, because this fic is the longest fanfic I have ever read, much less written, so proofreading this is a nightmare. Takes me a day to get through the first 40K+. So, I tried. But, please, don't mind any errors in here!  
> Also, this fic is the result of me being a bit disappointed by the fact that it seemed like May was almost unfazed by Coulson's death. I'm not saying what happens in this story should be canon, but it was an interesting alley I turned into, and it resulted in this story. Just simply couldn't stop writing. So yes, it might be heavily OOC in some places, BUT depression does mess with the best of us and it can completely change a person. Hope you like it! Let me know, even if you don't!  
> { TL;DR }  
> Trigger warnings: Major character death (obvs) and also a major depression, especially in later chapters. Be warned and be safe!  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story and an overactive imagination!

They had only been here for three weeks, tops. She could tell he was getting worse with the days that passed and it flared up an uncontrollable anxiety in her lower belly. What if he wouldn’t wake up anymore? What if tonight would be the last time she could ever talk to him?

She was nauseous with the idea, and when she had woken up one morning to find him smiling down at her, tracing her upper arm lovingly, she’d had to rush out of bed and throw up in the bathroom. He didn’t join her, he was too exhausted to get out of bed unassisted, but she could see him checking up on her when she got back into bed.

“Are you alright?” he whispered, brushing her hair out of her face and putting the back of his hand against her forehead.

“I can’t take this any longer, Phil,” she whispered. “I can’t take the idea of not knowing whether you’ll still be alive in the morning.”

She couldn’t sleep, nightmares plaguing her, waking her up often in a pool of sweat, just so she could check up on him. She was tired and nauseous and frightened. She couldn’t live without him.

“I’m sorry. I truly am.”

It didn’t change anything.

“I’m worried about you.”

He was worried about her? How dare he? How dare he! 

But he didn’t touch the subject anymore.

In his last attempt to get some normalcy into their lives, he had gone to the local supermarket and had gotten some groceries. She had rolled her eyes at this, but anger had flared up again when he had collapsed on the bed and she had nearly screamed at him. He probably had taken days off his life by doing this stupid thing, just so she could sleep in!

He had fallen asleep however, and she had settled for watching him before rummaging around the little kitchen. She was about to prepare some lunch for them when she saw a particular box sitting on the kitchen counter, and she felt like running to the bathroom again to throw up - in fact, she did. 

Why had he gotten this? She couldn’t possibly be…

She walked into the bedroom, shocked, that he thought she…

She took the test anyway. He had always known her better than she knew herself, and she had only focused on him, not on her own well-being. While she waited for the test to show its result, she felt conflicted.

If she was pregnant, then that would mean a dream had come true. But it was too late, and she didn’t want it to be like this. Not without him. Not on her own. 

When she had seen the result, she was numb. She didn’t feel anything except for grief, for a man who was still alive but only barely, for a man she had loved so much but who would be torn away from her soon. She slid into the bed beside him and wrapped her arms around him, the only true way for her to get comfort these days. He woke up.

“Melinda?”

She didn’t say anything, just cried, and she guessed he knew already. His arms tightened around her and she cried even harder. 

“Is it true? Are you…?”

She nodded and he didn’t respond, just held her. 

Yes. She was pregnant. And she felt her future loneliness creep up on her - she would have a baby, but their father would be long gone by then. Her baby would grow up with just her as companion… maybe death was indeed better than this.

“Melinda… I… I don’t know what to say,” he said eventually. His hands came out to brush her hair, caress all the skin he could reach. “I love you.”

“I will be alone, Phil. I… I can’t do it.”

He nodded in understanding. 

“Whatever you do… I… I never meant for this to happen, but… it’s happened, and… think of it as my last gift to you. One last-“

“A gift? Phil, this is not a gift. I will die, I… the only reason I’m still alive is because of you, and now…”

She couldn’t deny that she would be carrying a piece of him with her, even long after the baby was born. Undoubtedly, the baby would have some of his characteristics, but right now everything just seemed so unfair. Phil wouldn’t get to live, but some strange baby she had never met before would? She couldn’t live without him. She couldn’t.

“I can’t do this.”

But somehow, deep in her heart, she knew she couldn’t possibly give up this what she had been given. Because even through her anger and fear, she knew he was right - this was a gift. And he might not be around to meet their baby, but she would always have him with her, through their child. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I forgot to mention in the past chapter: I took a lot of creative license in this story. Like, a LOT. I wanted things to work a certain way for our favorite characters, not always good, but it required me to deviate a little from reality, I guess.

They enjoyed their time together to the best of their abilities. When he still had his strength, they would go for long walks down the beach, or enjoy a leisurely meal at a fancy restaurant, or make love for hours and hours straight.

He was holding on to life for longer than they could have expected. When May’s belly was starting to grow a little, however, he got considerably worse, and they both knew it was the end. Her heart constricted - he had been doing quite well, as though he knew he had a reason to live now, more than just to be with her. He had to be there for the baby. But ultimately, nature did catch up and he was getting pale and his words sluggish.

May had called Jemma and had told her the news of her pregnancy. Much to Jemma’s credit, she didn’t make any sound when she heard May’s words, as though she also knew how grim this was. She was, however, surprised to hear that Phil was still alive. 

“I want to ask for one last favor,” May told Jemma, and they both knew Jemma would probably do anything within her power to make these days comfortable for them. “I want an ultrasound. So Coulson can see the baby.”

“Oh May…” Jemma sounded quite emotional but May didn’t let it influence her decisions. “I’m on my way.”

“And, uh… Daisy…”

“I'll bring her. See you soon.”

May reunited with Phil in the bed, who hadn't woken up at all at her call.

Jemma had stepped out of the Quinjet determined yet obviously a bit wary of what she could expect. She was clutching her medical bag tightly and smiled at May, even though both knew it was not the best of circumstances. 

Daisy hugged May, obviously fighting her excitement at being reunited with them and learning about May's pregnancy, but she had learned from the best and kept it all in. 

“Right. Let's get you settled then.”

Phil was still asleep, and the three women paused at the sight of him.

“How is he doing?” Daisy asked, something akin to hope in her voice. Maybe she still had dreams of being a family, the three of them, of being together and finally having parents. But May knew that ultimately, that dream would burst, like a balloon when it was pricked with a needle, and it hurt May to think that she would be the only parent Daisy had left in this world. Anyone would be better than her.

May shook her head.

“Can we do it here?” May asked Jemma. The woman nodded and placed her equipment on the nearest surface, readying herself to get to work. Daisy sat down awkwardly in a seat in the corner of the room, still looking at Phil. May settled on top of the thin covers on the bed, reaching for him gently, waking him.

He had trouble orienting himself, his gaze hazy, focusing on all three of them, before he finally saw Daisy sitting in the corner, and it seemed to wake him up.

“Daisy?” he croaked. She nodded, tears in her eyes. He probably couldn't see them - he had often refused to wear his glasses, claiming it looked better, but he couldn't see well without them. “I must be dreaming?”

Daisy shook her head but remained in her chair. May didn't force her to come over if she didn't want to, and neither did Phil. He looked up at May.

“What is this?”

“You'll see in a moment.”

Jemma had finished preparations, and May settled on the bed beside Phil, lifting her shirt until it rested underneath her breasts, and that was when it sank in, not with Phil because he was still unsure what was happening - no, suddenly May realized she would be seeing their baby, however tiny they would be. She could possibly see some toes and fingers, a nose, some hair maybe. She still had trouble believing she could carry on with this pregnancy after he was gone. She didn't want to think about it.

Jemma squirted some gel on her belly and looked at all of them. “I'm not an OB so I might take longer.”

It hadn't even occured to May that Jemma might not know how to work this machine - Jemma wasn't a medical doctor, but she did know a lot about the human anatomy and she had saved their lives countless times. May had just assumed Jemma could do this.

“Melinda,” Phil whispered, realizing what was going to happen only when he saw what was on the little monitor. “I…”

“I wanted you to see our baby,” she replied, her voice as low as his. “You might never meet them.”

He looked at her for a little longer, tears in his eyes now, too, before holding onto one of her hands and focusing on the monitor.

It did take Jemma quite some time to angle the probe just right but eventually, they saw something that looked like a fetus, and Phil's hold on her hand tightened.

“There it is,” Jemma muttered, but a smile pulled on her lips. She could be proud of herself - May would thank her in tenfold later on. Jemma looked at Phil and May. “Do you want to know the gender?”

May shook her head but Phil nodded, and it instantly made her nod, too. She wanted him to know as much about their baby as remotely possible, just so he wouldn't miss out too much. He shook his head, then, and she looked down at him.

“Do  _ you _ want to know?” she asked him. He didn't respond, but she knew he was stubborn. She looked at Jemma and nodded. “We want to know.”

“Alright. Let me just… get my little guidebook…”

She moved around the probe a little, looking at her manual, and for a fleeting moment May realized she should never have asked this of Jemma. The girl didn't know anything in this area, she wasn't trained for this-

“It's a girl!” Jemma exclaimed, surprised herself that she had found proof. Then, as an afterthought, she added, “I think.”

May didn't really hear or see what happened next. She was pulled into her own thoughts, more nightmarish with the moment.

A girl.

She would have a baby  _ girl _ .

She knew it shouldn't matter what gender it was, and in her case, she knew it would be difficult to love her child anyway. But…  _ a girl _ . 

She saw a future filled with pink, light pink, neon pink. Ballet recitals, dolls, braiding long hair, make-up,  _ boyfriends _ … she would be teaching and showing this girl how to be a woman, while she hardly knew how to herself. With a boy, at least she would have an excuse - she wasn't a man, so she couldn't teach him how to be a man, not really.

“Phil, I…”

“A girl, Melinda,” he whispered. She looked at his face and he looked happy, despite his medical condition, despite the fact that he was dying, he was smiling, like he was happy to face the future, as though he could spend it by her side. Like he wouldn't die.

But… he was happy. He was happy to find out that their baby was a girl, and she knew that it wouldn't really have mattered to him whether it was a boy or a girl… it would be a girl.

“I…” she whispered, tears in the back of her throat. She wished she was as brave as he was. He knew he didn't have long to live and still he grabbed the opportunity with both hands. He was so happy to become a father, even though he would never be around to actually be one. 

She made him wrap his arms around her and buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“I can't do it, Phil,” she whispered, so only he could hear. “I can't be a mother.”

“Of course you can,” he whispered, calm, kind, brushing some hair out of her face. “You already are.”

“I can't do this baby thing.”

“But you've got so many people who will help you.”

“I won't have you.”

He pressed his lips together and nodded.

He didn’t focus on that anymore, as though anything either of them said would make things even worse. Her heart hurt permanently now, she couldn’t handle this.

Daisy spoke up from the corner she was in, it being only the second thing she had uttered since entering the cabin almost half an hour ago. “I, uh, brought some papers.” Her voice was heavy with tears.

Melinda ushered her over and Daisy sat on the edge of the bed, handing some papers tucked away neatly in a folder.

“All of them are optional. I want you to know that. But I hoped… it might make things a little easier.”

Melinda looked at the papers and found, much to her shock, adoption papers, a marriage certificate, and more papers she didn't recognize. She looked up at Daisy, who was smiling faintly. 

“Marriage papers, so you can finalize things… if you want. Statutory declaration. I did some research, it's quite a pain to add Coulson to the birth certificate after the birth, if he's not here anymore… so with this certificate you can prove before a court that you are the father, and then May can use that to put him on the birth certificate once the baby is born. And this last one… uh, never mind.”

May frowned again as Daisy took back the top papers - they were obviously adoption papers, and May's heart constricted at the thought that this young woman didn't think that they would want to adopt her. 

“Daisy?”

“It's the least of our concerns now,” Daisy stated, pushing the other papers closer to them and she was already explaining their next step when Phil surprised them all and pulled the papers from her hands. 

“Adoption papers?”

Daisy shrugged and focused on the other papers. Phil wouldn't have any of it.

“Get me a pen.”

Daisy hesitated but gave in eventually, still probably unsure why she had brought this up in the first place. Phil sat up slightly and reached for his glasses - for a moment, May just had to smile, this old man that she loved so much signing papers confirming that Daisy was their daughter. She signed it after him, feeling his eyes on her, then she returned it to Daisy.

The look on the girl's face was priceless, and for a moment all of their worries were forgotten, as they smiled at each other and enjoyed the company like a normal family did - until he started coughing and they were pulled back into reality.

Daisy dealt with the adoption papers with the utmost care (like she was holding the original Declaration of Independence), then moved on to the other papers.

“You still have to fill in these forms under the watchful eye of an official spokesperson for the government, but luckily, I have my connections, and so does Coulson. I managed to contact the assistant of the American ambassador at the Consulate, she's able to sign the papers and willing to come at your leisure. Her phone number is on a memo on the last page. That is to say… if you really want this.”

“Daisy? When did you work all this out? We called you yesterday.”

Daisy smiled sheepishly and closed the folder which contained the adoption papers now, and turned around towards Jemma. Said woman was just packing up her things, trying not to eavesdrop but of course she was too curious for that. 

“She didn't sleep since you called,” Jemma admitted when Daisy wouldn't. 

“And actually,” Daisy said, turning back towards them, “I had most of the papers ready in case you would call us. It's just the, uh… pregnancy that was the real surprise.”

Well, she was right about that.

~...~

The papers had gotten both of them thinking. They hadn't discussed any of it before, perhaps refusing to in an attempt to feign normalcy. She certainly didn't want to think about a future without him, but she certainly had to start.

Adopting Daisy had been the easiest subject of the three. It had been a given fact that Daisy Johnson was their daughter, even though they had never specifically voiced it. Daisy might have thought that this was the weirdest pile of paperwork but in their hearts, it had already been signed, filled and officiated.

A little harder but still not the hardest subject was that of a marriage. Daisy (and Phil, if they were being honest) had joked about it before - May and Phil were definitely an old married couple in a lot of aspects, from the sometimes endless bickering to the fact that they didn't need any words to communicate, but mainly the mere fact that in the midst of storms and wars, they had always remained together, one united front. It might have been just for their friendship, in the beginning, but May would be lying if she said she hadn't felt anything for Phil when she had married Andrew. But Phil had always been there for her, no matter what, offering a shoulder to cry on or a body to fight with.

She was comfortable with him. It was not such a surprise that people around them weren't fooled by Phil and May's attempts to paint their… relationship as a mere friendship. 

He had popped the question, of course, despite his reclining health still wanting to be a gentleman. 

“Signing a paper isn't romantic,” he had claimed. She had rolled her eyes at the statement, looking at two cheap wax lights on the table surrounded by take-out food. 

“And this is romantic?” she half-heartedly joked. She would much prefer to have a cheap take-away meal on the couch with the love of her life than be at a fancy restaurant having to wear a  _ dress _ .

“But will you?”

“What?”

“Marry me?”

She smiled and leaned in to kiss him. She could still taste the sweet-chili sauce on his lips when she licked them briefly.

“Of course.”

If anything, she was always meant to marry Phil Coulson. Even under these dire circumstances.

The most difficult subject to broach was the birth certificate. The baby was still too small to survive outside of May's womb and yet she already had to think about the post-birth paperwork. Most importantly, she had to think about a moment in which Phil would already be long gone. Daisy they had practically already adopted years ago, and she and Phil could still get married, no problem. But May had to put Phil's name on the birth certificate of their baby herself, because he would no longer be around to sign and confirm it. 

For God's sake, she hadn't even thought about a baby name yet! Everything seemed to come towards her too fast, she wanted time to stand still, wanted to savor being inside Phil's arms forever.

The government official had come over to their cabin to help them with the paperwork. Phil was out of bed, as though he was pretending to be fine.

“Have you thought about a name yet?”

“Excuse me?” May said, from one corner of the room. It felt as though her stomach was doing somersaults. She thought fleetingly it might be the baby.

“A baby name? I'm sorry, I just…” The woman shook her head and gathered the papers. May looked at Phil briefly, who was sitting opposite the woman. 

“It's a bit of a touchy subject,” Phil stated. For a moment, May felt her blood boil, but just as suddenly as it came, it left her. She couldn't blame this woman for not knowing the full extent of their pain, and she couldn't blame Phil for trying to diffuse the situation.

May lay in his arms that night, focusing with a hand on her belly trying to figure out if the movement inside her belly was just gas or the baby. She felt like it was too soon to be feeling the baby move. He brought up the earlier conversation.

“I was thinking maybe Heather.”

She frowned and looked up at him. 

“Or Stacy. I quite like Stacy, too.”

“Phil?”

“But she would have to have a Chinese middle name, for certain. Something to honor her heritage. Or maybe her family.”

“Phil.”

It became increasingly hard to breathe, the tears rushing up.

She didn't want to do this right now. She didn't want to discuss baby names. But she knew they had to eventually. 

She felt his soft hand brush her cheek and she choked a little. She wouldn't cry. He would spend all evening trying to calm her down, while they should really focus on baby names.

“I never thought I would have a child,” he whispered. “Even when I did, I thought I might name them upon birth. I don't want her to have a name that doesn't fit her.”

She kissed his cheek while she put one of his hands on her belly. She was almost certain it was the baby moving inside her belly. She hoped Phil might feel something.

“What about Amelia?” Phil asked.

That was definitely a kick, and it startled May so much she let out a small gasp. Another kick, against Phil's hand. There was no doubt about that.

Phil smiled, May melted, and he smiled even brighter. 

“Amelia, huh? You like that, little one?” He moved his hand over her belly, a few more smaller kicks aiming for his hand, and everything was right for a moment. Phil, safe and warm and so near, their baby kicking up against her father's hand. Her worries slid off her shoulders. 

He lowered himself so he could kiss her belly and she could faintly make out what he was saying.

“I love you, baby girl. You'll be good to Mommy, right?”

She felt herself drift to sleep, no, dammit, she had to savor these sweet moments with Phil, but she felt his arms close around her and his smile against the side of her head.

“I've got you,” he whispered. “I love you. And little Amelia.”

How could she not fall asleep?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I know May is too early in her pregnancy to feel the baby kick, much less have Coulson feel them, too. But, like I said, artistic license.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is a lot of heartache for a looong time, so if that's not your cup of tea, I suggest you skip this one. Silver lining, however: it can't get worse than the deepest point in this story, and it will get better eventually, but both those things are quite far away. Hang in there!

May had a dream that night, and despite how bittersweet it was, it was better than the alternative of having nightmares of him dying.

She dreamed of a little Asian girl with cute pigtails, a poofy pink skirt, and holding a pink toy car. She was cuddling with Daisy on the couch while May watched them from a distance. She couldn't hear what the two were talking about, but sometimes she could distinctly hear the word ‘Daddy’. It broke her heart, or what was left of it. 

_“Why is Mommy so sad?”_ the little girl asked. Daisy flinched a little at that question but she was brave enough to answer.

_“Because she misses your Daddy.”_

_“But does Mommy love me?”_

_“Of course she does, baby girl. It's just… difficult to show… sometimes. It's… just think of a little monster inside Mommy's heart who kicks and screams and hurts Mommy. Every time she wants to be happy, the monster kicks again. So to stop herself from being hurt, she stops being happy.”_

The girl seemed to understand what Daisy was trying to explain, despite how young she looked. May was not reassured however by the scene. 

_“I don't want Mommy to have pain. But I want Mommy to love me.”_

Those words pulled on her heartstrings. 

‘No.’ It slipped her lips without thinking about it. ‘I do love you.’

Neither Daisy nor the girl seemed to hear her. 

_“Mommy doesn't love me.”_

‘I do! I love you!’ May's frustration built, neither girl was able to hear her. She was pushing forward, or trying at least, wanting to come closer, wanting to hug Daisy and this little girl she didn't know but still felt _something_ for. ‘Daisy! Tell her I love her!’

Daisy's head turned only slightly, eyes darting over to May's general direction. Had Daisy heard her? Was she finally getting through?

“I love you,” May yelled, at the top of her lungs, for both girls to hear. Yet neither Daisy nor the girl responded, and Daisy's gaze focused once again on the girl. “I love you!”

“Melinda,” another voice whispered, from a far away distance, and she felt herself being pulled away from the scene, until she opened her eyes and looked straight into Phil's eyes. He was brushing her cheek. “You were having a nightmare.”

She shook her head.

No. Not a nightmare. If anything, this was a warning to her, foreboding - she had to choose, there was no denying that. She had to choose between Phil Coulson, or the little girl who was growing each and every day safely tucked away in May's womb.

She couldn't be with both. But as Phil's eyes softened in understanding, she suddenly realized that the choice wasn't that difficult after all.

If he couldn't love their baby, she would love their baby for him. She could do that. She would be their baby's mother _and_ father. She would let their daughter know how much she was loved by her father even before she was born, how amazing and kind and sweet he was, that despite the fact that he would never physically be there with them, he would always be in their hearts.

“I love you,” she whispered, her forehead against his and her hand covering her bump, leaving it unspoken whom the words were spoken to. But they were meant for both, she had once felt uncertain if she would ever love this tiny baby, but with his continuing love and support, she knew she had no choice.

She loved her baby. She would die before ever giving her up.

~...~

She had come fresh out of the shower, he was still asleep in bed, when she heard someone knocking on the door. She wasn't expecting any visitors, they didn't know anybody on the island except for maybe the owner of the local supermarket. She straightened her summer dress and answered the door, but no one was there to greet her.

She frowned. Looked around the corner. Nobody was even looking from a distance. So who had been knocking? She was ready to investigate, knock some sense into them, maybe, but then looked down and saw a small package in front of the door.

She frowned even harder. They hadn't ordered anything. Had they? 

She picked it up and she drifted into the bedroom absentmindedly, looking at the parcel. Her hands were itching to open it, Amelia was letting her know she wanted her mother to open the package, too. 

"Could be something dangerous, little one," May whispered, her hand brushing her swollen belly. 

Phil was stirring and she looked up. He was waking up, she knew what that looked like now. She often woke up before him. He was disoriented for a while, before searching his surroundings and finally resting his eyes on her.

"Hey," he croaked. She placed the parcel on the bed and slipped into his arms. They kissed for a while, until his curiosity won over.

"What's in the package?"

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Don't tell me you're not curious, either."

She rolled her eyes and reached for the package. Inside, she found two velvet boxes, her heart started racing. This was not theirs, someone must have dropped this off at the wrong cabin. But his hand covered hers around one of the boxes and she looked up at him.

There were tears in his eyes but he was still smiling, a cheeky yet gorgeous smile on his lips, and she broke.

No. He couldn't have done this. She didn't want this. Sure, they were married now, but that was just symbolic, it was just to make things easier for her in the future, paperwork wise. They had agreed not to cast too much meaning onto it.

"Phil..."

He opened the box and she saw a beautiful silver ring inside, a couple little diamonds on the band, slim, simple. He took it out and held her hand and put it on her ring finger - it fit perfectly.

"Phil." She was almost pleading now, he would make things worse, how could she ever get over him if she was wearing this ring? 

He opened the other box and showed the contents to her, another silver ring, bigger than the other, simple too, matching. She looked him in the eye and he was crying now but he didn't say anything else. She sighed because her tears came, too, but she still took out the ring and put it on his ring finger.

And then they sat there - husband and wife, complete with matching rings, god, she had never wanted any of this, she wasn't a crybaby, and yet here she was with her husband, and their baby in her belly and it was all so fucked up. He would die soon and that ring didn't do shit to prevent that-

But he knew that. Surely, he did. 

"I love you," he whispered. "Now you can carry me with you. I know it's not the same, but... I hope you will forgive me eventually, Melinda. I hope you'll find a semblance of happiness without me. I know I won't be around to see to it, I know a husband should be there through thick and thin to make sure their wife is safe and happy. I won't be able to do that, but... I love you. I've never loved like this. And I just know... that this love will never fade. And... I remember Fitzsimmons telling me something comforting, about how everything we know was once part of something else, and we will turn into dust and be a part of something else, too. And I know that every single speck of dust that was once me... will still love you. I will always love you. And maybe it's stupid, maybe you'll get angry, but... perhaps you can draw comfort from that, that I always have and always will love you. Until the very end, I will love you, Melinda, and I'll make sure you know that. I hope you'll look at this ring and remember us... what we were like all these years. That I loved you... and that you loved me."

"I haven't lived without you in decades, Phil. I don't know who I am without you."

They were both crying fully at that point.

"I know. I know. And I'm so... so sorry. I wish there was still a chance we could be together... that I could take care of our baby girl, with you... but... I'm sorry I took your future away like that, Melinda. But there's nothing left for me to do than make sure you can get the best possible life."

"And that includes this?" she asked him, raising her hand with her newly acquired ring.

"It's all I can do for you at this point, Melinda. There is no way to save me, we both know that. I don't want to have unrealistic illusions about that. I wish I could say that I could spend the next thirty years by your side as your husband. But... I have to be realistic about this. I don't have long, my clock is starting to tick louder and louder. But you are still alive, safe, happy. I need to make sure, as your husband, that you're safe. That's my duty... and that's what I want this ring to represent. And... my undying love for you. Because I'm dying... but my love for you hasn't changed."

And then he was silent, tears still on his cheeks. She felt so much anger in her chest but it was not aimed at him - she was angry at the universe, for taking this sweet man from her, for denying her unborn daughter the privilege of growing up with her father. 

He would be such a good father. He would be gentle and patient, but also funny and adventurous. She had had some dreams of their baby on his back, him crawling around the room pretending to be a horse and making their daughter laugh at the top of her lungs.

What would their child look like? Would she be gorgeous like her father, or get her mother's features? 

She was getting off topic. She kissed him and linked their hands and felt the metal of his ring touch her skin. She pulled away to look at the sight.

He was her husband. They were wearing matching rings. Could she ever have expected that they would end up at this point? The outcome was certainly not what she'd hoped for, but she had always thought about cuddling with him like this, waking up to him every morning, although the swollen belly between them was also kind of a surprise.

"I love you," she whispered. It was what would kill her in the end. Loving him, more than anything she knew, more than life itself. In the end, it would turn out to be her demise.

He kissed her ring while looking into her eyes and she would save that memory forever, hoped she could think of this whenever she looked at the ring.

Later, when he was asleep yet again, she took the ring off her finger to inspect it further. Oh no. There was something inscribed on the inside. 

_'I'm always with you. Your Phil.'_

She held onto him tightly while shamelessly bawling her eyes out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is what y'all have been afraid of, I guess. Good luck, and see you on the other side.

His condition worsened quickly over the next few days, as though signing the papers and feeling their baby kick in her belly was enough for him, like he had enough happiness in his heart to help him through the afterlife.

They held each other one evening, May's heart telling her this couldn't be the end but her head telling her it probably was. He was pale, he had barely any strength left in him and his breathing was raspy, every breath sounded strained. Worst of all, his right hand was blue, like death had started there and was slowly spreading.

“Melinda,” he whispered, no, breathed. “I love you so very much.”

The baby was kicking almost aggressively in her belly, as though she was also trying to make her opinion known.  _ Don't go, Daddy. Don't go. _

“I love you, too.”

“Promise me you'll take care of Daisy.”

She felt tears burning in her eyes. Why did this feel so much like a goodbye? Why was her heart beating so frantically in her chest? 

“Please,” he added. She nodded, words stuck in her throat. 

“Please love our baby.”

“Phil-”

“And love yourself. Please. Whatever you do, love yourself, because you are so worthy of love. Yes you are, Melinda. I have never met anyone quite like you.”

She kissed him to shut him up, because even if this was goodbye, she could never truly let him go. She could never convey all of her feelings in words, how grateful she was that he had been by her side all these years, that she was happy that they were friends and that she had never, ever, loved anyone like she did him. No goodbye could ever be enough. 

So they kissed and she cried and she felt stupid for it, but she knew it were the pregnancy hormones and also the mere fact that this was probably it, this was what she had dreaded all those months.

“I love you,” he whispered. 

“I love you, too.”

“And I love you, baby girl.”

His hand rested lightly on her belly.

And they drifted off to sleep together.

~...~

She had woken up to find Phil impossibly still, and her heart sped up considerably. 

“Phil?” It was truly stupid, of course, she had known that this would happen.

She felt for a pulse and wasn't surprised to find nothing. She had to climb out of bed in a rush to throw up in the toilet, before rushing back into bed with him.

Oh Phil. He looked so peaceful, a gentle smile on his lips. She had been asleep all night, but she knew she would have noticed if he had moved at all, if he had struggled, if he had-

He mustn't have struggled. The last hope she had for him was that he hadn't been in pain.

But despite the fact that she had known this would happen, she still felt… empty. Numb, too. She wanted to cry and scream but nothing came.

She lay down next to him for a while, an arm spread over his stomach. For a moment, she could pretend that he was still there, but she wasn't oblivious to the absence of his beautiful heartbeat or his calm breaths.

She needed someone to think for her. React for her. She was shaking slightly as she reached for her phone and dialed Daisy's number. 

“Don't tell me,” Daisy said instead of her name. “Do I need to come?”

May couldn't say anything at all, a big lump in her throat. Damn. Still, she didn't feel any tears at all. Maybe that would come later? Maybe she was in shock?

“I'm already on my way.”

At least she still had Daisy. 

Within an hour the entire team was there with their hearts on their sleeves. They all knew what was going on, and they stepped into the cabin reluctantly. 

Daisy hugged May tightly and didn't let go while they entered the bedroom and looked at Phil. Daisy had always been emotional despite her own attempts at denying it. She laid eyes on him and already the tears were coming. 

It seemed so easy for Daisy. May's heart broke at the sight of this young woman grieving so intensely but a tiny voice in May's head was also questioning why  _ she _ wasn't crying. Phil was her husband. Phil was the father of her unborn child. If anything, he should be at the same level Daisy regards him, if not higher. 

And certainly, after Andrew had died, she cried. 

Why didn't she cry now?

“I'm sorry,” Daisy choked out, and May was unsure whether she was apologizing for her breakdown or for their loss.

“Thank you.”

And they sat together for hours, their sides touching, their closest hands entwined, even while Jemma, with tears in her eyes, checked Phil and then covered him with a sheet; even while the team paid their respects; even when a coroner came over to help ship Phil's body back to the US.

Daisy talked and talked and for once, May liked it. It meant that she didn't have to talk.

Even little Amelia was surprisingly silent, while she had been so active the night before, pushing against her father's hand and probably doing some somersaults inside May's womb. Perhaps even this little baby knew that Earth has lost one of its finest heroes.

~...~

Daisy stuck by her side that first night, and May was glad. She didn't really want to be alone. Phil and the team had returned to the States and Daisy had tried to convince May to come with, but May couldn't just yet. Despite the fact that Phil was gone, both body and soul, she still felt his presence linger in the cabin and she couldn't possibly leave him alone, now could she?

But she was still alone. Daisy had taken her place in a chair in the corner of the room, putting too much strain on her neck, but May didn't bother her. (There were still dried up tears on Daisy’s cheeks and May didn't want to interfere with the girl's grief.)

May slipped into bed carefully, and had half expected to feel pillows appearing underneath her belly as if out of thin air, like Phil had done in the past few weeks. She nearly frowned when she didn't feel any hands on her belly that weren't hers, didn't feel a comfortable warmth beside her, didn't hear him sighing in bliss or whispering words of love into the room.

She reached beside her and was only met by a cold, empty space. 

Okay. If Phil wasn't going to show a sign of life, then Amelia certainly would.

“Right, Amelia?” May whispered as she put her hand on her belly. But it remained awfully still in her belly, no hiccups, no kicks, not even the turning May had felt - no movement at all. 

Panic took the reigns from there. If she had lost Phil, the only ones who really mattered anymore were Daisy and Amelia. And if she lost Amelia, the only living memory of Phil, certainly, May would die.

Daisy was with her within seconds, an arm around May's shoulders.

“What's going on? Are you okay?”

“I can't feel Amelia!”

“What?”

“Amelia!”

It took a moment for Daisy to understand what May was saying, while May climbed out of bed to throw up in the toilet - again. Dammit, will these hormones ever end? Or was this the grief she hadn't really experienced since he had died? It's only been a day, Melinda May, you'll cry tomorrow.

Daisy was talking but May didn't hear any of it. As she emptied her stomach of, well, mainly just water, she felt a hand gently gathering her hair and keeping it out of the way.

“She's worried something is wrong with the baby,” May heard Daisy say. “I don't know, you're the doctor! Okay, wait, sorry, I just… yeah, sure. Can you bring some spare clothes?”

May wiped her face and felt Daisy’s hand still in her hair. May reached up and gently took her hair back.

Daisy added something as a whisper, as though she thought that May wouldn't hear.

“I'm afraid we'll be here for quite some time.”

May stood, seeing stars in her vision, and made Daisy turn around.

“No. We're leaving.”

“What?”

“There's nothing here anymore. You're right.”

“Wait, I didn't say anything like that. Where are you going?”

“Out of here.”

May started packing her things, packing Phil's things, turning off her heart because she didn't want to break down just yet, when Daisy stormed into the bedroom.

“Melinda May! What the fuck are you doing?”

“I don't know, okay! I don't know! I'm trying to make sense of things but nothing makes sense and I'm not even crying! Why am I not crying, Daisy? And now I can't feel Amelia, she was so active yesterday and she's gone, I know it, Phil took her with him and I'm all alone again and I can't go on like this! I can't!”

She took in a deep breath and fully expected tears to come, but still nothing came, and she got so angry with herself, she had just lost her husband and probably her child, and here she was, no tears, just this emptiness inside her and an anger towards anybody, life itself. 

“Why can't I cry?” she whispered, sinking down onto the bed and covering her face with her hands. She was ashamed - she should cry, right? That was something you did when someone died. 

Right?

“You cannot seriously be angry at yourself for not crying.” Daisy had sat down beside her. 

“You cried.”

“Everyone deals with grief in their own way,” Daisy whispered. “No one doubts that you loved him.  _ Love _ him. Just because you don't cry doesn't mean you don't love him. Don't beat yourself up so much, May.”

May just stared ahead and let the emptiness inside her spread slowly to every inch of her body. She was alone, she only had Daisy, her husband had left her and her baby was gone, too. 

Then, she felt it: a kick, faint, gentle almost, but a kick nonetheless.  _ Mommy. I'm still here. Don't worry about me. _

And then, all at once, the tears she had tried to conjure up overwhelmed her, at the feeling of her baby kick inside her belly, after she had thought her gone like Phil. Her baby was still here. Amelia was still here.

She couldn't breathe, tears quickly soaking her shirt, and still more came, while she let herself sink into Daisy's open arms.

She suddenly wished she hadn't been crying at all.

~...~

They left a couple of hours later, and May was still crying, and nobody seemed surprised.

Her heart was on fire.

He was gone.

She was just half of a couple now. Her best friend was gone, the one she had been able to rely on, the one she had gone to for advice on anything. 

She was just Melinda May now. Without Phil Coulson. 

Jemma had checked her up as soon as she entered her peripheral, both May and the baby, bombarding her with questions. Jemma pushed her into an observation room where an unfamiliar woman was waiting for them.

It was just too much for May. There were still fresh tears on her cheeks but she knew she had to plough through for Amelia.

“I felt her,” she whispered as she sat down. “She kicked.”

The woman smiled and nodded.

“That's good news. Let's take a look at her, shall we?”

The woman called Laura, knew exactly what she was doing. (As opposed to Jemma.) Laura found Amelia within a minute and wrote down some details. May still remembered Phil's reaction when they had seen their baby on the ultrasound the first time. She felt empty again not having him beside her.

“There she is. Heartbeat is steady, she seems the right size at this stage. How far along are you?”

May looked at Jemma. She didn't even know. How could she not know?

“Alright, not to worry. Seems about eighteen weeks now. The only thing that could be cause for worry is this little hand here.”

“Worry?”

“It looks slightly underdeveloped. It might catch up later, but you might have to consider the fact that she’ll have a disability.”

That's fine. May could live with that. She wouldn't love her child any less for that.

“Why didn't I feel her anymore?”

“Were you having intense emotions? Babies can feel what their mother feels very clearly. But it's also possible that she was simply turning down, testing the waters. The bigger she gets, the less space she'll have to move. In your third trimester, gravity will pull her head down.”

May was registering what Laura had said.

“Would you like to have a picture? I could print a frame.”

May nodded. Amelia kicked in her belly. 

Phil hadn't even been gone a day, and she was already moving on.

It's going too fast. She was going too fast. She didn't even say thank you when she ran out of the room and towards her old bunk. She was crying. Again. She couldn't see a single foot ahead of her. Amelia was kicking again and May was almost retching.

A hand was on her back and it didn't really matter who it was. It wasn't Phil, so she could never truly be comforted.

“It's me,” Daisy whispered. “Do you want to go see Phil?”

“No.” But May still nodded and got up. They walked hand in hand and May didn't even notice where they were going, where Phil was.

“He looks so peaceful, doesn't he?” Daisy stated, but she wasn't really looking at Phil. May couldn't keep her hands to herself and straightened his shirt, brushed his cheek. He was cold to her touch and she pulled back her hand. 

“Hey, I know it's early, but we have to start arranging a funeral.”

May shook her head and made to walk away. Daisy stopped her. 

“May. I'm not going to force you through anything except this. He deserves a proper funeral. It's the least we can do for him.”

Daisy was right, of course. 

So she found herself looking at coffins the next day and flowers the day after. During the days, she turned off her feelings, for as much that was possible. Daisy joked once, though misplaced, that she was a robot now. But May knew it was true - if she didn't turn off her feelings, she was afraid she would have a break down in the kitchen with everybody present. 

Yet at night, in bed, all by herself, she let herself cry. No matter how much it felt like giving up something, control, power, it also felt good to simply let go. She wasn't any weaker for crying, she knew that.

Daisy slipped into the bedroom at some point during the night. May hadn't expected anything less, as she had woken up because of a combination of nightmares and the urge to pee. Daisy looked at her as though to gauge her consent, then shed her leather jacket and slipped into May's (very single) bed, leaving the outside spot to May. Which was considerate, since this wouldn't be the last time she would have to go to the toilet.

“May?”

“Hmm?”

“When did you come up with a name?”

May fought down the painful but beautiful memory, knowing this was something she had to do a lot in the next weeks, months, maybe years. 

“Phil and I were discussing baby names, and when he said Amelia she started kicking for the very first time.”

“That's cute.” It was too dark to see but May was certain Daisy was smiling. “Hey May?”

“Daisy?”

“Can I touch your belly?”

Rather than answering her verbally, May grabbed Daisy's hand and put it on her belly, right on the spot where Amelia had kicked against Phil's hand days before. 

“Was that a kick?” Daisy asked. May smiled briefly.

“Nope. You're just imagining things.”

“Oh.”

“Besides, she doesn't know you yet.”

“Well then I should introduce myself.” 

“Daisy-”

But Daisy had already lowered herself so she was face to face with May's belly and started speaking to it. May had to bite her lip to stop the sob from escaping.

“Hey baby. I'm Daisy, your big sister. Your Mommy is really sad right now, so am I, but we'll try our best to make her happy again, won't we? You will be so loved, little baby. You have no idea. Mommy will love you so much, me, too. You might not have your daddy…” Daisy paused, swallowing audibly. “But you'll have Mommy and me. It's something.”

Daisy sure had a way with words, just like Phil, and again the tears came. Shit, May wished she could go back to that brief period where she hadn't cried, where she had been numb, but she knew that was no way to live, and if anything, Phil had showed her how to feel again. He had been there when her heart had been ripped out, but he had been the one to replace it with his. 

Why was she so emotional? 

No, she knew why. She was pregnant and half of a couple. She knew which one she preferred.

Daisy gingerly wrapped her arms around May when she came up again, and May's swollen belly poked against Daisy's. 

“I'm not okay,” May whispered, brushing Daisy's hair. 

“Neither am I. But we'll get through this. He would want us to live.”

That he did. Phil Coulson wanted them to be happy, healthy and together. 

“I love you, Daisy.”

“I love you, too, May.”

“Please. You can call me Melinda. We're there.”

And they chuckled together through tears before they fell asleep.

~...~

Daisy was an immense support for May through her days of grief. It was difficult for Daisy, too, but they knew they could get through it together. 

The funeral was horrible. She knew it was really for Phil's sake (not really true, a funeral was for the living, not the dead) but she would have rather not had one at all. There were only two handfuls of people, tops, and they all focused too much on May’s grief rather than the fact that they were there to honor Phil. 

She had pushed everybody away who tried to talk to her, only letting Daisy in when she had promised not to say anything. She bawled in her bed that night. 

She hated crying. She wondered if she would ever stop.

She had visited his grave as soon as possible, and she had brought the only picture she had of Amelia at that moment. (She kept a copy at home.)

“Our baby girl,” May whispered as she lowered herself to kneel in front of his tombstone. Almost falling because her center of gravity had shifted due to her bump. “She's doing so well. Sort of quiet without you, but she's still there.”

She took in a deep breath and couldn't fight the urge to brush the stone, as she would have brushed his cheek. 

“I love you,” May whispered. “Amelia does too. Please be kind to yourself, wherever you are.”

Amelia wasn't kicking when May walked back to the car.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another tear jerker!

_ Six weeks later _

Melinda May hadn’t set foot in this specific room for weeks.

And with good reason.

Upon opening the door, she instantly regretted her decision, but she knew that she would have to carry this through, otherwise she would never get this done. And it needed to get done. 

She could hear Phil in the back of her head with every single inch of this room she touched; touching his desk, she could hear him muttering to himself while filling in his boring paperwork; touching the desk chair, she could hear him scolding the team, laughing with her, apologizing to the authorities for whatever stupid thing Daisy or Fitzsimmons had done the day before. She could hear him snore when she ran her fingers over the edge of the bed, heard him cry in sadness, pain, love. (It was ironic how those feelings often went hand in hand.)

She could still smell his aftershave when she entered the en-suite, but then realized he had left his bottle of it, opened, sitting on the bottom shelf of the cupboard hanging above the sink. She smiled faintly while lifting it to her nose, breathing in his scent - it was him, even though she knew thousands, if not millions of men had bought this same aftershave. It just wasn’t as perfect a fit as it was for Phil Coulson. 

She could hear him rinsing his razor in the water in the sink, complaining to her about the perils of the day, about the things he had to manage and fix as the Director.

She could feel his arms around her when she picked up one of his jackets and draped it over her shoulders. It wasn’t warm, like it always was when he had offered it to her in his stupid gentlemanly moments, but it carried his scent and the tears and cuts he had managed to get in the sleeves on some mission that was supposed to be easy and violence-free. 

She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. He was still here, the memory of him, at least. Perhaps this is why she had waited so long to open that door.

She opened the closet in the corner and started taking out some clothes, knowing she had to make different piles to manage the sorting process, but she knew at this point she was just touching all of the fabrics and remembering how good all of these clothes had looked on him. (She wasn’t quite ashamed to admit that she had worn some of these shirts in the past, even when they had still been just friends.)

She took one of his ties in her hands and sat on the bed, eventually leaning against the headboard, having a perfect view of his room. 

He had laughed at her when she had told him that she could never forget him, even if she would try.

“Nonsense!” he had said. “You’ll move on and find some muscular surfer dude who still has the strength to carry you over the threshold.”

But he was wrong. He rarely was.

Phil Coulson was imprinted in her mind forever. He was a part of her she hadn’t realized she owned until he had died. 

A knock on the door startled her and she looked up, clutching the tie tightly as though that would be ripped away from her, too.

It was Daisy. She was equally worried and sad at finding May like this.

“I saw the lights were on,” Daisy explained, closing the door softly behind her and looking at the mess May had made. “Are you alright?”

For the first time, possibly in her life, Melinda May was not afraid to admit that she wasn’t fine. Daisy picked up on it, of course. 

“You’re going too fast,” Daisy whispered, taking the top shirt on the pile and, after sniffing it, started folding it and putting it on an empty spot on the bed. “Do you want me to join you?”

May nodded, fingering the fabric of the tie, remembering tying them for him, especially in the period after he had lost his hand. He had complained about not being able to do it himself, but had admitted that he only trusted her enough to do it right. She hadn’t been able to stop herself from brushing his neck and chest briefly after she was finished. He had never picked up on it, or at least, that’s what she thought. He was far more observing than she gave him credit for.

“Shall I get us some tea before we start?”

_ “Here. Drink some tea. I know it won’t magically solve all of our problems, but at least you’re hydrated.” _ His voice echoed dully in her cold heart.

She broke down and cried, eventually feeling Daisy’s arms wrap tightly around her.

Melinda May had thought that her world had ended after Bahrain. But her world had still been there, hugging her and wiping her tears away and whispering reassuring words into her ear.

Now, her world was gone. Without Phil Coulson, Melinda May was truly empty.

They lay down and Daisy held her, like a mother would hold her child, and it felt so wrong, if anyone was a mother it was May, but at the same time it felt so right, warm, familiar.

Daisy's hand came to rest on May's belly and it made even more tears flow.

“Hang in there, little baby,” Daisy whispered. “I'll make sure your Mommy gets through this.”

They got through about a quarter of the room before May felt exhaustion wash over her. She ignored it for a while, but Daisy could always tell, and she made her sit on a chair next to the bed and opened the drawer May had been about to open herself.

May had never snooped around his stuff. She had occasionally stolen some of his shirts, but she had always admitted that to him. He hadn't seemed to mind. But they were both quite private people, and despite being best friends, there were still boundaries. She wouldn't breach his privacy just out of curiosity. 

But he wasn't here anymore. And technically, Daisy was the one doing all the snooping.

"Oh my god! Is this Coulson?"

Daisy raised a picture to May, who instantly felt herself smiling at the sight before her. Yes. Her Phil Coulson, from back in the nineties, moustache and all. In general, he'd had way more hair back then. 

"That moustache looks horrible. Almost like he was channeling Freddie Mercury."

Daisy giggled as she looked at the picture again. 

May hadn't really liked the moustache either, but it had been a trend back then and he had been trying to impress some girls he knew. (May doubted any woman would find this attractive, but she still laughed at the memory of their arguments about that damn moustache. The day he had showed up at HQ with a clean shaved face was the only day she had let out an audible sigh of relief.)

That's when Daisy noticed, May was also in the picture. In the background, mind you, but still looking at him with something she couldn't have possibly explained back then. In hindsight, she knew it was love.

"Wow." 

Why would Phil have kept this picture? He was a pro at reminiscing but he never kept anything of himself - Captain America memorabilia, old spy gadgets and the likes, but he always hated seeing himself in pictures.

There were more pictures, and gradually, as she knelt beside Daisy, curiosity winning, May realized that more and more of these pictures had her in them in one way or another. In the background, at their graduation, by his side with his arm wrapped around her waist. Her scowls at another undercover mission that Phil had loved all too much. (She only now noticed how he had looked at her, when he thought she wouldn't notice.)

"Why would he...?"

But they were both silent when they got to the bottom of the drawer and saw a little, red velvet box that made her heart race. No. No. Not again.

Daisy looked at May, hesitating before reaching into the drawer and taking out the box. "There's a note." Daisy sounded as shocked as May felt.

Daisy read it first, and May watched her face, seeing her get emotional with every word she seemed to take in. 

May didn't want to read it. She was emotional as it was, with her baby in her belly and the death of Phil still fresh in her mind. She couldn't take it.

Daisy reached for May's hand and put the note in it, nodding for some damn reason. Daisy couldn't possibly believe that May would read this note, could she? How stupid!

But May's eyes still lowered to the piece of paper. Dammit all to hell.

_ "To Melinda,  _

_ When you're reading this, we're either old and gray, or I'm dead. At this point, I think the latter is more likely. _

_ I want you to know, I never meant to stop fighting. I would have fought if I had known that there was a chance that we could be together. You have always called me an optimist and I love that you're so positive about me. But I know there's no way out of this one. And it pains my heart to know I will never get to see you grow old and gray.  _

_ While I'm writing this, I can hear the team arguing, and I know it's about me. They all want to save me, the sweethearts. You included. I know you will always fight for me, I guess I have taken that for granted. I know even now you will choose me above the rest of the world. I guess you won't be surprised that I won't let you. (I'm truly sorry.) _

_ I won't sit around and wait for death to take me. I'm planning on visiting Tahiti, the real thing, I always wanted to visit. I'm planning on asking you to come with me. I'm not sure what your answer will be, you always remained a bit of a mystery to me. I hope you will say yes. Of course, you already know the answer when you're reading this. If you did say yes, was it good? Did we have fun?" _

She rolled her eyes at that, the idiot, but she was holding her breath to keep the tears at bay. She was doing a bad job at that.

_ "I hope we did. We haven't had a lot of time alone lately. _

_ You know, I have almost told you that I love you multiple times in the past few weeks. Especially when you told me that you love me... why did you corner me like that, Melinda? I was so caught off guard I couldn't say anything intelligible, and I'm certain you took it as a sign that I didn't love you back. But of course I do. I hope I'll get the chance to show you how much soon. (Although, that kiss, Melinda... I wish I could have simply wrapped you up in my arms and stay that way forever.)" _

She felt butterflies in her belly at those words. 

_ "I hope you and the team will manage to save the world. I hope you will see in time that it's the better option. It won't be worth it to have me by your side if it means you have to live in that awful future we saw. I don't want that for you. _

_ So, here we are. I'm preparing my goodbye wishes to the team but I'm not prepared to say goodbye to you. So please, say yes. I'll kiss you and hold you. We could be good together. And I'm only realizing now that in no way will these pleas affect your decision. (Did I already mention that I really hope you will say yes?) _

_ I had such a life planned for the two of us, Melinda. I have been in love with you for so many years and I'm not ashamed to admit that I daydreamed about us, married, happy, even some little ones if you were open for that. I know I'm not the best fit for you, seriously, you deserve so much more - better - than me. I think you love me, too? I think I saw the signs before you said the words. Even back in the day. I mean, just look at those pictures! (I know how much you hated the moustache. In hindsight, you were right.) But I feel like I'm just seeing things. Am I just seeing things? _

_ Melinda. I guess this is just a long winded way of saying - I love you. _

_ I love you. From the moment you stepped into my life, fists raised, my life has gotten a new meaning. You have been my best friend and the source of so much joy and happiness over the years and you're the reason I am who I am today. I didn't know how much I felt for you until everything started revolving around you. I broke all protocols to be with you, even just as your friend, because I was lucky enough to have that. I have been so lucky, Melinda, to have known you and to have known your love and to have been on the receiving end of your beautiful smiles and a few (well-deserved) punches to the face. _

_ Man. I'm crying now, Melinda. How pathetic is that? But I guess I'm just scared for you, what your future will be like without me in it. I know you're too stubborn to admit it but I know how much I've meant to you all those years. (Please, tell me I'm not imagining things.)" _

May shook her head, a couple of tears landing on the paper. He had meant everything to her. Everything. He had known that.

_ "My mother has always known how special you were to me. I never mentioned it to you, but she called me every year for my birthday and Christmas to ask how you were doing, when I was going to, and I'm quoting, 'grow some balls and ask her out'. I never got around to doing that, and I've been tempted to. She would always scold me when I had to tell her the truth. She sent me this box one Christmas, a lot of years ago. It had been her mother's ring, until my grandmother had given it to my father, as sort of a family heirloom. She wouldn't accept me sending it back. I had to keep it for someone special, and she knew I had already met her. But I couldn't just ask you that stupid question if I couldn't even man up and tell you about my feelings, right? She never understood how precious you are to me, and how much I will die if I ever lose you. _

_ What I'm trying to say, Melinda, is that this ring belonged to my mother, but it's yours now. Do with it whatever you want, wear it, turn it into a pen, for all I care. It's never meant to belong to anyone more than you. I've never wanted to marry anyone but you. (My mom would be proud if you wore it, just saying.) _

_ I have had beautiful dreams of us on Tahiti, you know. Granted you'll say yes, of course. I could kiss you and tell you how much I love you and I will probably stutter because I have kept it in for so many years, but I can only imagine how relieved I'll feel once it's out there. I hope you will want to make love, and I hope it will be as amazing as I imagined it. I might even pop the question, if we have enough time. You will probably say no, but at least I will have tried. _

_ Just... be careful, Melinda. Whatever you are doing now, whatever life you've built for yourself, please be kind to yourself. I know you have a knack for feeling guilty about things you shouldn't feel guilty of, but this was honestly not your fault. My death was just my stupid ass risking my life again and losing the bet. I wish I could take it back. I know I can't.  _

_ I love you, Melinda. And please tell Daisy that I love her, too. (I could go in depth about how proud I am of her, but I've already written a separate note to her. You know how much I care.) Please be kind to yourself, and please take care of our daughter.  _

_ Love, _

_ Your Phil. _

_ PS: Probably best not to turn the ring into a pen. My mom would kill me." _

May just sat on the floor crying, clutching the letter in her hands, and she realized now, like she had done so many times before, how empty she was without him, and how much of a dork he had been. 

"Could have just told me that he loves me," she muttered, wiping at her eyes. Daisy was silent for a while before she flat out chuckled, laughed, tears on her chin, too, but it looked and sounded so good that May eventually joined, too.

He had left her a ring. Not just any ring, his mother's ring. Because he hadn't wanted to marry anyone other than her. 

Daisy opened the box and gasped and immediately closed it again. She pushed it into May's hands who opened it, too.

My god. It was gorgeous. She couldn't accept this. She would call Julie tomorrow and make sure that-

She realized then that Julie had passed away many years ago, so there would be no returning it. May briefly thought of Phil being reunited with his beloved mother, now both in heaven or wherever they were, and imagined him telling her proudly of how he had finally told May that he loved her. He might even use scary words like 'love of his life', because he was a romantic like that.

Amelia kicked in her belly and May took that as a sign that she should try it on, at least. Everything just fell into place. Somehow. She was already his wife and she had worn a wedding ring, but now she was wearing the (engagement) ring he had always meant for her to wear, and it made everything that much more real.

Daisy wrapped a careful arm around May and the latter didn't protest.

"Oh May," Daisy whispered, wiping at her own eyes. God, they were just blubbering idiots now. Even after his death, he still made May feel butterflies in her stomach. It just goes to show how special Phil was to her - he made her smile like no one else could.

No one. Her smiles hadn't had much meaning until she had met him. With his dorkiness and sweetness, he had drawn out a true smile, genuine, kind. She was thankful for that. He had brought out a part of her she hadn't known she possessed. 

They didn't get to clear out anything else as they browsed through the many pictures and other memorabilia he had left in this drawer.

He was a special human being.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, I know! The last time we saw each other, Covid-19 was 'just a flu' and nobody was getting worried yet. Boy, were we wrong. Some of you might know that I work in aviation and let me tell you - it's heartbreaking to see an industry you love so much be torn apart by something we all thought was 'just a flu'. The worst part is that people still don't stay indoors and this past weekend, authorities had to send people home from our beaches because they thought it was a good idea to visit the beach. The stress this virus gives me has caused me to have my hair dyed (I was a blonde, now I'm copper, and I love it) and I have massive acne breakouts all over my face. I just can't wait until this thing is over.  
> Guys, I'm so scared. Not gonna lie. If you're reading this, please be safe, and please stay at home as much as possible. We'll get through this, together.  
> Also, I'm aware that this story doesn't help anyone feel better. I just feel it's unfair to this story not to post it for a few months, because that's how long I feel this crisis is going to last for.

May and Daisy went shopping for baby stuff, and it was the worst thing ever. She wasn't entirely ready to buy a crib or pram, but she had to. Even though Amelia was still so small, before you knew it…

And of course, she couldn't ignore the happy lovey-dovey couples who were on the same mission she was. Smiling, blushing pregnant women and men slightly reluctant yet excited for the future.

May saw the first one as soon as they entered the shop and turned around immediately. Daisy stopped her, of course.

“Stop the shit and just do this.”

May frowned at Daisy - she had been harsh before, but never like this. 

“There's only one way out of this, Melinda, and it's to leave. But we'll have to come back eventually and these kind people will be here too.”

“We don't have to come back,” May tried to reason.

“Amelia can't sleep in your bed forever. She needs clothes, shoes, a crib, a pram. You know that.”

May swallowed the lump in her throat away. Of course Daisy was right. She didn't know what she would do without her. Daisy grabbed her hand and they walked into the store again.

She saw all the little clothes and socks and it gave her double feelings - on the one hand, she felt butterflies in her stomach, her baby would be this small, delicate, and with them in a month or three; but on the other, she kept looking beside her to show Phil, ‘this is so tiny, Phil’ ‘look Phil, Captain America!’. She closed her eyes briefly when she held a ‘My Daddy is a superhero’ romper. She felt Daisy's hand on her arm.

“That's so cute,” Daisy whispered, but May heard the reluctance in her voice. 

Of course, Phil Coulson was a superhero. He was May's hero, Daisy's hero, but no matter how many times they might tell Amelia of the superhero he was, she would never see for herself. Perhaps, May thought with a bit of a smile, she could call some of the Avengers…

“Oh, look, May! You can customize rompers! We can put her name on it!” Daisy was off at the speed of light and May followed her with a smile. “This is so cute! We can make it like super pink with a white font or something.”

“No pink.”

“A little pink.”

“No pink.”

Daisy smiled widely and raised her hands. May saw the cutest little dress, some petticoat skirt, flowers embroidered on the bodice. Amelia kicked slightly, but May had long ago stopped thinking the little girl might be responding to her surroundings.

“Maybe a little pink.”

May could almost hear Phil's laugh when Daisy giggled and hugged her briefly. 

_ Oh Phil. If only you were here. You would be so proud of us. _

~...~

In the last weeks of her pregnancy, she regretted everything. Didn't matter what. She regretted being born and ditching ice skating and joining SHIELD and falling in love with Phil Coulson.

No, wait. She didn't regret that.

But she regretted allowing him to go to New York by himself, she should have just admitted her feelings then; she regretted not telling him about TAHITI sooner. She regretted ever having fought with him.

She really regretted not telling him she loved him earlier. 

She regretted allowing herself to get pregnant, even though the nights had been plenty… passionate. (Didn't matter that she hadn't expected to ever get pregnant.)

But most of all, she regretted not having stood up and fought, found a cure for him, fought  _ him _ , dammit she would have fought him on this, if it had meant that he would have lived. She would have beaten him into tomorrow if it meant he would be safe.

Yet she was incapable of hurting him. Always had been. Always would be. She could pretend that she was cold blooded and always saw violence as a first resort, but with the ones that mattered… 

Dammit.

She had too much time to think, being stuck in her room on bedrest.

Damn Jemma for protecting May and Amelia. 

Dammit all to hell.

If Phil had been there, he would have sat with her all day if he could, sneak some fast food into the room that Jemma would tut at afterwards, they would watch a movie together without even saying anything the entire viewing. She would cuddle in his arms and he could have talked to Amelia and she would have been happy. 

Well.

She wasn't  _ unhappy _ now per se. Could have been happier, that's for sure. But the latest ultrasound had shown Amelia in 3D, only a week or two ago, ready to come out and meet the world. And May realized that she had been so incredibly reluctant to carry out this pregnancy, the idea of having to do it mostly alone plaguing her nightmares. She had forgotten Daisy was still there, and she had forgotten both of them were way stronger than they gave themselves credit for.

She brushed her belly with a smile on her lips. Amelia hadn't kicked in a while but May's OB had assured her nothing was wrong. Amelia was probably just really excited to get out of there and was preparing for it.

So was May. A pack of diapers was already standing on her nightstand, a bottle of baby lotion, some powder for little red baby bottoms. Amelia's crib stood all finished in the corner of May's room, white lace covering most of it, faint pink embroidery on the edges. May's emergency bag stood next to the crib.

Daisy and May had bought this small, fourth floor apartment not far from the Base. May had made most of the effort - she felt that as the parent in their relationship, she should be doing more parent stuff. Admittedly, she was still getting used to this parent stuff.

Daisy had her own room and she had been so excited, as though she was a ten year old child who had just been liberated from sharing a room with their younger (or, in Daisy's case, older) siblings. Daisy's room was on one end of the corridor, May's on the other, and the nursery was right in the middle. May had cried while painting the walls a pretty yellow, she had wanted to share this with Phil, but the feeling had passed quickly as Daisy had fallen onto the floor and had splattered all the paint everywhere. (In hindsight, it was quite funny, even though they had to go to the emergency room because she had broken her elbow.)

May heard the front door slam shut quite loudly and the worry she had been feeling slipped off her shoulders - Daisy had gone partying and was now home safe. May focused to hear how many footsteps she could hear, and pleased it was just one pair, May closed her eyes and fell asleep.

She dreamed of Phil that night. Like she often did. He was holding her tightly, one of his hands brushing her belly, and he was placing kisses on her lips every once in a while. She had almost forgotten what that felt like, to have his strong arms hold her so close and to have his lips against hers. 

“You can let go,” he whispered. She frowned at him.

“I'm not dying.” 

He rolled his eyes.

“That's not the only thing you can be holding on to.”

She understood him immediately. 

“I'm not ready to be a mother without you.”

“But you already are, Melinda. Daisy can be proud of a mother like you.”

“But I don't know how to do all this baby stuff.”

“Nonsense. You prepared, right?”

“Not enough.”

“You can never prepare enough, that's true. But you know the basic things. Everything else will come naturally.”

She sighed and kissed the skin in his neck. She missed him so.

“What if she starts asking about you?”

“Then you tell her the truth. That I was the most awesome person you ever knew.”

She smiled, which turned into chuckling, which turned into full-on laughing. Her round belly shook and it made her laugh even harder, until pain replaced her merry mood, spreading all throughout her lower back and belly. She panicked - had she ruined something in the final phase of her pregnancy?

But Phil just tucked her hair behind her ears and smiled at her.

“It's showtime.”

She was pulled out of her happy dream with a scream on her lips.

“Daisy!”

No turning back now.

~...~

The entire birth was a blur. Pain overruled most of her thoughts, she was gonna die, she couldn't do this.

She heard herself begging for Phil multiple times. She could do this if he was just here, if he could hold her hand, tell her she was going to be okay. He had always been such a support to her, he had seen her at her worst and hadn't stepped back. If she could just hear him say that he loved her...

Daisy held her hand but she probably regretted that instantly. May tried to hold back but she wasn't in full control of her body anymore. 

"You're doing so great, Melinda," Daisy whispered. May tried to look at her but her vision was full of tears. "Just a little more and then you'll have your baby."

It wasn't worth it without Phil by her side. 

Something happened that made Daisy pull her hand back, and it had been the only thing that had kept May sane, the only thing that kept her mind off the immense pain. 

She panicked. Couldn't help it. Phil gone, Daisy gone, and this excruciating pain taking the reins.

She felt lips against her forehead and Daisy reappeared. 

"They have to do a c-section, Melinda," Daisy whispered. Despite all the commotion around them, May heard her loud and clear. C-section. No. She wanted to do this herself. She could do this herself. She was a woman, for God's sake, every woman did this herself! She wasn't weak! "Otherwise she might die."

That made all of the words in her head stop.

Amelia would die.

No. 

Anything. May would do anything to keep Amelia alive. They could dig her out of her cold, dead body if they pleased, so long as Amelia survived.

So she nodded weakly and was prepped for surgery.

Daisy was never further than two feet away from May, whispering words of encouragement into her ear, peeking over the curtain sometimes to look at the doctors. 

"Please make sure she's okay," May whispered. Daisy nodded.

"But you can do that, too. You'll survive, Melinda."

"No."

"We'll pull you through. I'll make sure of that. Nothing bad will happen to you or Amelia."

The words sounded oddly similar to Phil's. May looked up at Daisy. Why had Daisy settled for this kind of life? She had an entire future ahead of her and yet thought it would be better to stay with May. May had been nothing but difficult to her in the beginning of their acquaintance. 

"Who do you think she'll look like?" Daisy asked, probably in an attempt to change the subject. "Do you think she'll look Asian? I think she'll be a super cute combination between you and Phil. And I swear, she has to have his smile. Don't you think?"

May nodded, unable to say anything because of the tears once again threatening to burst out. Daisy was so sweet, and May had wished so much for Phil to stay with them, if only so he could remain Daisy's dad. May was not parent material, didn't understand why anyone would think that. 

Phil had thought that. He considered her the perfect mother for their children.

Their children. They had two kids, somehow. 

"I hope she looks more like Phil," May whispered, surprising Daisy. She just smiled and nodded, running a hand through May's hair. "He was so beautiful."

"Hey, you're not so bad yourself, May. There are worse people to look like."

"Maybe she'll ramble like him."

Daisy chuckled and stayed close.

It was all so scary. She was in surgery and her doctor had warned her it wouldn't be risk-free, but at least the pain was gone - she couldn't really feel anything, no pain at least, just some movement in her belly where they were working. 

It felt... pleasant. No pain. Just numbness. 

"I love you, Melinda," Daisy whispered. May nodded and looked at Daisy again. She knew. It was the reason Daisy had stuck by her side where everyone else had pulled back. They had all been afraid of her reactions, of her anger and aggression, no one could really overpower her except for Mack, but he was too much of a teddy bear to do that.

Yet Daisy hadn't been impressed by May's tactics to keep everyone away. She had pushed through her defenses with the cold, hard truth and warm, loving hugs, and May could already no longer envision a life without her. She hoped Daisy wouldn't leave now either, with a little one no doubt keeping them up at night for the next few years, at least.

"I'm so excited to meet her," Daisy said. She had probably sat down on a chair they had offered her because her angle had changed. She was still close by though so that was most vital. "I always wanted a baby sibling."

May smiled through her tears and nodded again. She might not be able to give Daisy the perfect family, a mother and a father and a white picket fence and the family dog, but she could give her a baby sibling. There was no doubt Amelia would be her sister, even legally, because Daisy was officially May's daughter, and so would Amelia in the very near future.

"You'll be an amazing big sister."

Daisy buried her face in May's hair and they were quiet for a long time, but they drew comfort from each other's presence.

Somehow, it felt empowering to have Daisy by her side, a woman too, pulling her through this ordeal. Daisy didn't know what this felt like, May hardly knew because she had blocked out all of the pain during labor, but Daisy knew how much strength a woman could have, and especially a woman like May. 

Suddenly, their surroundings changed a little, and Daisy shot up, looking over the edge of the curtain that was blocking May's view. May watched her face and her heart warmed, and then a shrill baby cry came and Daisy's face softened.

"Oh my god!" Daisy jumped up but her curiosity was held back by a nurse who was preventing her from getting in the way. "May! She's so pink!"

May closed her eyes and focused on the sound of her baby. Her heart was racing, reaching out for her, she wanted to hold this little girl and soothe her and tell her that everything was alright. She had waited so long to meet her and couldn't wait any longer.

But they had to wait just a little longer as Amelia was checked up and Daisy assisted wherever she could. May could faintly make out Daisy cutting the umbilical cord - felt her heart constrict as she knew she would have preferred to see Phil do that - but then a nurse was moving her way and she wanted to sit up, reach out her hands, but realized she was mostly strapped down and numb in most of her body. She had to settle for Amelia placed awkwardly against her shoulder. Daisy was hovering above them.

But this... this was May's moment. She whispered so quietly only Amelia could hear.

"Little baby. You are safe, thank god. Daddy would have loved to be here but you'll have to make do with Mommy and your big sister Daisy. Nothing's going to hurt you, not as long as Mommy has a say in it. I will protect you until I no longer can, and then some. I love you so much, baby girl. I'm so happy you're finally here."

Amelia fell asleep right there, against her mother's shoulder. May looked up towards the ceiling.

"Look, Phil. Our daughter. We did it." I did it.

Before she knew it, she was out of the OR and drifting in and out of sleep but she couldn't look away from Amelia.

This beautiful, beautiful little girl. May had made this little wonder, somehow. With a little help from Phil. It had taken nine long months of sweat and tears but she had made it, and so had Amelia.

She really was a miracle, wasn't she? May was in her fifties. She shouldn't be able to have a child anymore, and yet here she was, sleeping peacefully, her tiny fists tucked underneath her chin. So Phil. 

May finally understood what so many parents had claimed before - this pink cloud was the best thing ever. Even if she could see some dark clouds on the horizon.

For now, she would just enjoy watching Amelia. Her perfect baby girl.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember what the story's summary said about crumbling? Yeah. Remember that, 'cuz from this chapter onward, it's happening.

Amelia Ju Coulson was her father's daughter.

Sure, her hooded eyes she had from her mother's side, the color of her hair a mix which had been won mostly by May's genes - but Amelia had her father's bright smile, her father's blue eyes (even though she knew the baby's eyes would change and always started out blue, she had good hope that Amelia's eyes would stay blue), everything Melinda May had loved so much about Phil Coulson. She couldn't help staring at this beautiful wonder of nature, this perfect little miracle.

And she was an Amelia. Phil's instinct had been right and Amelia herself had been correct in letting them know about her agreement. There was no other name that would fit her as Amelia did.

The birth had been anything but perfect. May had wanted a home birth but even before she had been able to lay out her birth plan, basically everybody had warned against it due to the risk her pregnancy brought with it. So she had been forced to deliver at the hospital, but she had been willing to compromise on that so long as she could give birth naturally. But of course that had been changed at the last minute, too, too many complications and Amelia might not make it if they didn't go for a C-section.

So now, May couldn't move properly without feeling a painful tugging on her lower abdomen, coughing and sneezing hurt like hell, but-

It was all worth it. Holding Amelia, this beautiful little girl in her pink blankets, her tiny hands pushed against her face, May realized all the pain had been worth it. She found herself looking at a spot where Phil should have been standing but realized that he wasn't there, and never would be. 

May decided she would take Amelia to Phil's grave as soon as possible, just in case his spirit might still be lingering there. He deserved to see their baby daughter. 

He had been right. It had taken her months to realize it, but her baby daughter was a gift from heaven. Phil had given her the best thing she could never have expected to have. Amelia made May's heart beat and gave her the best reason for living. 

Daisy had stuck by her side even in the operation room, knowing May would throw a fit anyway if she was all alone. Daisy was a perfect big sister, although the doctors had confused her for May's spouse more than once. (It seemed only a good sign, that they were completely open to same-sex couples having babies.)

The first visitor had been Jemma, who hadn't been able to control her medical knowledge. She was holding Amelia and immediately started counting fingers and toes.

“Ten toes, wonderful! And ten fi-” She paused. May looked at the Brit with curiosity, wondering how she would react to this. But Jemma had seen worse, medical wise - she had helped Daisy when she had been shaking her bones to pulp, Jemma had helped Phil with his missing limb, and she had helped Fitz with his deteriorating mental health. Still, perhaps the idea of a ‘fresh’ human like Amelia already dealing with some imperfections was tough to process. “Ten fingers.”

“You can say it,” May whispered. Jemma swallowed and nodded. But it didn't need to be said. Jemma carefully lifted Amelia's left hand and traced the abnormally short fingers. 

“Well, you would almost think that Coulson's amputation was genetic.”

And both smiled, until Amelia let out a loud yawn, as though trying to say that she was bored and wanted to be entertained.  _ ‘Come on, Auntie Jemma. You can do better than this.’ _

“There's nothing to worry about,” Jemma stated, reasoning more with herself than May. “She will probably write with right, even if her left side is dominant. It looks like she'll have enough surface to grab things, so that's good. I don't think she'll notice very much.”

May smiled and nodded. She already knew all this but it felt good to hear one of her friends say it instead of a strange medical professional. 

“How's everything else? Hearing? Sight?”

“Jemma,” May whispered, smile still on her lips. “Amelia's three days old. I don't mind just enjoying her infancy before focusing on what else might be wrong.”

“Of course. Sorry.”

May shook her head. Jemma looked at Amelia some more. May couldn't blame her - she had only really parted from the girl to go to the bathroom, and even then, she had left the door open to keep an eye on her.

“If you don't mind me asking, what does Ju mean?”

“Hmm?”

“Her middle name. It's Ju, right?”

May nodded and fingered the wedding band on her left hand. She heard Phil's voice echoing in her memories,  _ ‘she needs to have a Chinese middle name, of course. Something to honor her heritage. Or maybe her family’ _ .

“It means Daisy.”

They owed everything to her, Daisy Johnson, that impossible girl who had started out as a little brat but had ended up being their impossible daughter, adopted or not. Daisy had held them together, and with them the entire team, when things had gotten hard to handle. Daisy had caught May when she had fallen after Phil’s death, still did that, and they owed everything to her.

_ May  _ owed everything to her. If it weren’t for Daisy, May would probably be dead by now. And if it weren’t for Daisy, May would never have had the pleasure of holding her own baby daughter in her arms.

Jemma's eyes widened but she overcame her shock quickly. “Wow, that's… that's beautiful.”

And then Amelia started fussing and would only be comforted by her mother's arms.

May was perfectly happy, even with a shrill crying constantly in her ears, even with a permanent empty spot inside her heart which had always been Phil's. 

She realized if there was such a thing as the afterlife, she would meet Phil there, old and gray, and have a lifetime's worth of stories to tell about their daughters, and most of all herself.

She would make him proud. Immensely proud. Like she knew he had already been.

~...~

A letter arrived about a week after Amelia's birth. May was used to bills, congratulation cards, even just house parties announced.

This letter was different. She recognized this handwriting.

She was ripping open the envelope and had to sit down on the nearest chair so she wouldn't sink down onto the floor. 

God. Oh God. It was Phil's. She felt hope and love spread through her heart, then pain when she realized that he was still dead. 

She still read the letter.

_ "Dear Melinda, _

_ I'm a cliche now, aren't I? Sending letters to a future you, hoping you're still thinking of me. Remember when we watched 'PS I love you' and you rolled your eyes so hard at the cheesiness? You ended up loving the movie, I know you did. _

_ It's been a while since I last wrote you a letter. I hope you found my previous one, otherwise: oops, spoiler alert. I wasn't even sure if you would come with me to Tahiti back then and look at us now! You never fail to surprise me, May. _

_ I felt our baby kick last night. (I think I did anyway, although I know it’s too early in your pregnancy. You’re so convinced it was Amelia, though, so you convinced me, too.) You were already asleep by that time. I couldn't stop myself from putting my head against your belly and talking to her. I told her some things but that's strictly between me and Amelia. I hope she'll remember my voice.  _

_ I don't even know if you named her Amelia. You probably didn't, it was just a stupid thought. Maybe you met her and realized that she's not an Amelia at all. I hope you won't name her Amelia just for my sake, if she's not an Amelia. _

_ I'm so stupid. Why do I even rant in written word, Melinda? _

_ I arranged for this letter to arrive after Amelia was born. I feel like you will need some extra support then. I know Daisy will be helping you, though. _

_ God, Melinda. I had hoped that I could cheat death a little longer. That I could watch our baby grow in your belly, that I could help you through the birth. I hope everything went well, and I hope you didn't hurt too many nurses who were just trying to help you.  _

_ I hope she came quickly. Was she hard on you, Melinda? I hope she was excited to meet her mother. I wish I could have held your hand and told you how strong you are and that you can do it. That Amelia would be worth it. _

_ I wish I could have held her then, could have watched her first few seconds in this world, could cut the umbilical cord... could put her in your arms and marvel at that wonder together.  _

_ It's a cruel world we live in, isn't it, Melinda? We should have been able to live together until we're old and gray. I should have been able to meet Amelia properly, be a father to her, alongside her kick-ass mother. (I would dress her in so much pink you would probably throw up. You're allowed to dress her in black, though. You've earned that right.) _

_ I hope she is everything you wanted. I hope she's happy and healthy and allows you to be that amazing mother I know you can be. I know you will love and protect her, enough for the both of us. I know how painful it will be, but don't let her forget about me. I want her to know how much her father loved her. _

_ And I love you, Melinda May. Going to Tahiti was the best decision I've ever made and I don't regret it in the slightest. I hope you don't regret it either. I never meant to leave you behind. But, I still hope, wherever you are... that you're happy. Safe. That you can forgive me. Please forgive me, Melinda. I don't know what I would do with myself if you didn't.  _

_ Love,  _

_ Your Phil. _

_ Ps: I love you. _

_ Pps: Now you may kill me." _

Amelia let her presence be known, but May couldn't tear her eyes off the paper.

Phil. Phil... his voice was fading. She had thought she would remember it, how could she ever forget his voice? But the truth was, he was slowly fading in her memories. This letter served as only a temporary reminder, no doubt.

She didn't want to forget him. Ever. She owed her life to him.

Oh Phil. He was so sweet. She loved him so much. How could she still be alive without him by her side? How had she survived for this long? How would she ever make it to see Amelia grow up, grow her first teeth, take her first steps, meet a boy (or girl), get married... she felt life dragging her down, holding her ankles, god, Phil could lift it all but he was no longer here.

Amelia cried out and May dropped the letter. She gathered her baby in her arms and let the girl's sobs drown out her own.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time we think we're at the worst point in this crisis, it gets even worse. I just hope all of you and your loved ones are doing okay, and stay safe!  
> Also, I know you will hate me for this chapter. You'll see why.

Daisy Johnson didn't worry about Melinda May often, not anymore. Ever since Amelia had been born, May seemed fine. The little girl was so sweet and quiet. Daisy was quickly learning what kind of baby Amelia was - she didn't like being tickled but she absolutely loved it when you blew raspberries on her belly. Amelia could look in your eyes and you would fall in love with her. Daisy had kissed the girl's face so often she had lost count, and she adored it when Amelia would, as a result, kiss Daisy's nose - May had claimed it was just the baby looking for a nipple but Daisy believed otherwise.

But Daisy could see that May's good mood was all just a ruse. May could set her thoughts to something else for a change, could shift the pain away from herself. Yet it wasn't a permanent fix.

After only four weeks, a crying May had walked into Daisy's room in the middle of the night with a crying Amelia in her arms. May would probably have dropped the baby if Daisy hadn't taken over.

“I can't get her to be quiet,” May sobbed, crashing down on Daisy's bed and covering her face with her hands. Daisy focused on Amelia a little before she had determined what was wrong. 

“Snap out of it,” Daisy told May. The latter woman stopped crying instantly. “She's hungry. She needs to be fed.”

But May didn't seem to want to move. Daisy sighed and nudged May's leg, so she would scoot upwards on the bed until she was laying against the headboard. Daisy put Amelia back in her mother's arms, and the little baby reached for May's chest with her tiny hands. (How May hadn't figured out the reason for the crying was beyond Daisy, but she knew May was exhausted.)

Daisy sat next to May, arms touching, and the only sound filling the room was Amelia contently sucking. May seemed to be slipping into a slumber already.

“I still wish Phil could be here,” Daisy whispered. It was painful, but the truth. Daisy wasn't unwilling to help May but she thought it would have been way better if May and Coulson had been parents together, and not have Daisy be an odd substitute. 

May's eyes opened and she nodded. She looked down at Amelia, who seemed to be smiling up at her mother. A tiny smile pulled on May’s lips. 

“I'm sorry to be disturbing you like this, Daisy.” May attempted to cover up her half-naked chest but Daisy stopped her. 

For God's sake, Daisy had been there when the first contractions had started, when May had been told to fight the urge to push, when May had been prepped for surgery and hadn't been able to walk on her own for days following the C-section. Daisy had seen it all.

“I will do anything for you, Melinda. You're…” She paused, swallowing. “You're my mom. I'm so proud that we're here. All three of us.”

May smiled while her hand came up to brush Amelia's head, the other to hold onto Daisy's hand. 

“Thank you for being here.”

Daisy sighed and cuddled into May's free side, May's arm around her shoulders to hold her tightly. 

“There's nowhere I would rather be.”

~...~

The anniversary of his death came up and May could tell, even before Daisy had pointed it out to her, that she wasn't doing well.

She could focus on Amelia completely, live for her, make sure Amelia was fed and bathed and happy. But she couldn't deny that there was still a hole in her heart that was supposed to be filled with Phil's.

She went out to a bar one night, Amelia in the care of her big sister, and it was the first time since Amelia had been born that May had left her behind. It was enough to fill her shoes with lead. But Amelia was safe, and May needed some different company than an infant, even though she very much loved said infant. 

The first guy to offer her a drink was nice enough. Handsome smile, kind eyes, he was roughly her age, perhaps a little younger. They talked about nothing significant, but he still asked her whether she would want to go somewhere private. Her heart started beating frantically in her chest and she had fled to the bathroom. When she had come out, he was gone.

There were more men who attempted to pick her up but just as it became more serious, she panicked and gave some stupid excuse so that she could leave, or would cause them to leave.

She had given up hope and was already leaving the bar when she bumped into someone. He immediately apologized and dove to the ground to gather the contents of her bag. When he looked up, her heart started beating faster - he was good looking, she had to admit that, and there was something familiar about him. (May realized only in retrospect that he had Phil's characteristics.)

“I'm so sorry,” he muttered, handing over her bag. Their fingers touched and she pulled away as if burned. 

He had successfully lured her back into the bar and they talked for a while about work (which she didn't have) and ex-spouses (which she also didn't have, both her spouses were dead), until the topic arrived of children.

“I have a son, he's nine. His mother is a nightmare but he's the sweetest. He's the only reason I'm still in contact with my ex. How ‘bout you? You got any kids?”

She nodded, her hands shaking a little. She didn't talk about her family a lot, mostly because her instincts kept telling her that she might put them in danger that way, but right now, her heart seemed to tell her that she could trust this man.

“I have two daughters. The eldest is almost thirty, the youngest five months.”

“Damn. There's a story in there somewhere.”

She smiled and nodded. “The eldest… started off as… Well, over time, we just grew towards each other. She isn't biologically mine, but she is definitely my daughter. The youngest… is a miracle.”

He smiled at her. “You must love them very much.”

She must have shown some confusion on her face, because he chuckled.

“Your face lit up just then. I haven't seen such a beautiful smile in a while.”

Her heart fluttered. She hadn't heard such a compliment since… well. Since Phil had died.

“Look, I don't want to beat around the bush. I would love to see you again sometime. You're beautiful and I feel like we really have a connection.”

She nodded automatically before she knew what she was doing. He smiled again and pulled out his phone. She stared at it for a while before he chuckled again.

“I'm asking for your number. I know I'm not good at subtle hints.”

She entered her details and handed the phone back. He looked at the screen, then looked back at her. 

“Melinda. I like that.” He reached for her hand and kissed the top of it. “It's a pleasure to meet you, Melinda. Can I… offer you a ride home? I'll keep my hands to myself, I promise.”

And so she found herself in his car, she didn't even know his name and she was showing him to her house. What would Phil say? God dammit, it hadn't even been a year and here she was picking up men like she was so god damn desperate for a fuck. 

“I don't know your name.” He had rushed round the car to open the door for her. Her hand lay gingerly in his even as they walked up to the front door. 

“It's Phil.”

He kissed her cheek and turned around, sitting in his car waiting to leave until she had opened the front door and was safely inside. 

She broke down onto the carpet with her head in her hands, almost choking through her sobs.

His name was Phil. He had liked her and had brought her home and he was a really nice guy but his name was Phil. 

Daisy stepped into the hallway holding a sleeping Amelia. She was smiling while she looked out of the window.

“He was cute,” she said, before her eyes landed on May. She quickly put Amelia in her playing cot and rushed to May. “Melinda? What happened?”

“I can't do it, Daisy,” she sobbed. “I can't-”

Daisy gathered her in her arms. They sat like that for a while, May crying and Daisy brushing May's hair. Then, Daisy spoke.

“You don't have to fall in love again,” Daisy whispered.

“But I do.”

“You do? Why?”

Because in this life, you were only ever judged by how well you did with partners. It didn't mean anything that she had two beautiful daughters - she didn't have a spouse, she had had to bury two, and she would never really be successful without another one.

“Melinda?” Daisy whispered. “Do you  _ want _ to fall in love again?”

May answered without hesitation.

“No.”

“Then don't. You can look for a new friend. You can look for someone to have sex with. But you don't have to fall in love if you don't want to.”

“He was really nice, though.”

Daisy smiled faintly. “I have no doubt. You wouldn't have allowed just anybody to bring you home.”

“He’s called Phil.”

Daisy paused and held onto May tighter. “Oh May… hey, you're okay, alright? You are doing so well. I'm so proud of you. And I know Coulson is, too. And maybe in a year or two, or three, or ten I don't know, you might meet someone to love again. And there's nothing wrong with that. You won't love Phil any less for it. But he would want you to be happy, and if that is with a new man, then so be it. I can't imagine he would stop you from that pleasure. He would want you to chase it. You have nothing to feel guilty for, nothing to feel sorry for.”

Daisy was right, of course. She almost always was. She got that from her adoptive father.

Phil called her a few days later. May was just changing Amelia's diaper. Her heart was beating frantically in her chest. She almost thought of not picking up but Amelia just looked at May with these beautiful brown eyes, as though she was wondering what her mother would do. 

You can move on, Melinda May. It's okay.

“May.” She was still slightly reluctant.

“Hey! How are you?” She didn't answer him. She shouldn't do this to him, but she was trying to see whether he was really interested in her - and whether she was interested in him.

“I was wondering if you would have dinner with me tonight.”

“I…”

“Nothing fancy. We could go to McDonald's if you want. I would like to see you again. Just say yes.”

For a moment, he reminded her of Phil Coulson, who had tried so hard to get her to agree to a date. She had made it mighty hard for him, but she had known he wanted her by that time.

“Okay.”

“Okay! Okay, I'll pick you up at seven, is that fine with you?”

May looked down at Amelia, who had grabbed her tiny foot and was happily sucking it. 

“Yes.”

“Good! I'll see you tonight!”

May let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding and buried her face against Amelia's tummy. The little girl chuckled and grabbed her hair. 

“Mommy is so confused, baby girl.”

She was actually a little excited to see him again, too. Even if that voice inside her head was still really soft.

They connected really well, but there was always that voice that sounded suspiciously like her own that was telling her she shouldn't move on, and that she was betraying Phil Coulson.

“Phil?” she asked this Phil. He nodded. “I have to be honest with you.”

His smile dropped a little. 

“You're married, aren't you?” He slammed the table but there wasn't much force behind it. He seemed… disappointed. “I knew it. All the good ones are ta-”

“No! I'm not married… anymore.” She looked at her wedding ring. And realized how reluctant she had been with him. And how he would possibly draw conclusions from there. “Phil, my husband, he, uh… he passed away about a year ago.”

“Oh Melinda. I'm so sorry. Are you, uh…”

“He was Amelia's father, my youngest daughter. And… I loved him so much. I still do. But… I really do like you. And I feel a connection with you. It's just…” She paused and looked down at her hands. She didn't continue, not knowing how. 

“It's too soon. I understand.”

“You do?”

“Of course, Melinda.” He reached over and grabbed her hand. “We can take all the time you need. The last thing I want is to rush you into anything you're not ready for.”

She looked at their hands, entwined on top of the table. His fingers touched her wedding ring.

“Most people call me David, anyway,” he said meekly, and she looked up at him. And suddenly, she felt a laugh bubble up in her throat, and then she was sitting here with this handsome man who was holding her hand and she was laughing at the top of her lungs. She hadn't laughed like this since Phil had died. 

Phil, or David, was looking at her with a big smile when she had calmed down. 

“It's my middle name. Everybody claims I'm more of a David than a Phil.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. He kissed the top of her hand. “Can we, uh… put this on hold? Just for a month or two, maybe?”

“Of course, Melinda May. I'll wait patiently for you.”

They finished their meal and he returned her home safely. Once again, he walked her to her front door, but instead of him kissing her cheek, she took the lead now. While holding onto the lapels of his jacket, leaning up on her tiptoes, she kissed his lips briefly, feeling how he was doubting where he should put his hands. He was smiling against her lips.

Maybe, just maybe, she could feel a love like this, too. And Phil Coulson would look at her from his place in heaven and be proud and happy that she could move on. She deserved to love and to be loved. 

Daisy was jumping up and down in excitement when May closed the front door behind herself. May just rolled her eyes and set out to look for Amelia.

Amelia, baby girl, you don't have to grow up with an unhappy Mommy. She's making progress!

~...~

Amelia was a happy little girl who had definite natural charm and a sense of humor. Everybody knew who she had gotten that from.

May went to Phil's grave usually once a week. Amelia didn't know what it was about, but she loved spending time with her mother and picking at the grass around their spread out blanket. 

“What did we bring for Daddy, Amy?”

Obviously, May didn't expect a response from her baby girl, who was nearing eight months. May reached beside her and moved to put the fresh flowers in front of the tombstone when she heard it.

“Dada!”

May almost slipped in her shock and looked at her baby, who was sitting on the blanket and clapping in her hands.

“What did you just say?”

Amelia stared at her, smile dropping a little. Then, she said it again. “Dadaaaa!”

May felt tears prick at her eyes but a smile spread across her lips, too.

Amelia's first word…

… was Daddy.

Phil would be so proud. And he would rub it into her face so much.

“That's right, Daddy.”

Amelia chuckled and crawled towards May. She fell into May's arms and they hugged each other tightly. When Amelia pulled back a little to look at May, May was once again reminded of how much this girl resembled her father. Beautiful brown eyes from her mother, but that blinding smile from her father. She was so beautiful. 

“You beautiful little girl. I love you so much.”

“Dada?” Amelia asked, looking at May.

“No, I'm Mommy.”

“Dada!”

May chuckled and kissed her cheek. “We'll work on that.”

Her baby girl was speaking. It terrified her that she might have to deal with toddler discussions soon but it was enough to push her over the edge.

Enough leading David on. They had texted casually in the past months, had gone on some dates, but she had never treated it as a serious relationship.

But… she just wasn't ready. She doubted whether she ever would be. It was alright. She had everything she needed right here - beautiful little Amelia Ju Coulson, Phil's daughter, his near spitting image. 

And she realized, for the first time since he had died, that she was happy. She was lucky enough to see this little girl smile each and every day, have her to cuddle up with, Amelia's laughs filled the otherwise empty house, combined with Daisy's hilarious comments. May realized Amelia had done exactly what Phil had once done - raise her up from her worst low, show her that life was worth living after all and that she could be happy again.

She was incredibly happy. She was still alive to see her beautiful daughters grow up. That was all that mattered anymore.

She and David met up not long after her revelation. She had dressed up only a little, but didn't feel guilty because he hadn't dressed up, either.

“I need to tell you something,” David started, his hand tentatively on hers. Something in his eyes made her feel a little panicked. She didn't want him to tell her that he loved her. She would give him her heart while it was still mostly with Phil. 

“I have something to tell you, too.” She was silent but nodded eventually. “You first.”

He took a deep breath and continued.

“I found somebody else.” He let the pause linger for a long time. He seemed to find the situation very grave. May was happy. Oddly. “I’m so sorry, Melinda. I wanted to wait for you, I really did. You’re so kind and strong. But… it just happened.”

They were silent again and May’s face remained blank. He had waited for her but had nonetheless found somebody else. She had worried about disappointing him by declaring herself unavailable.

“I’m so happy for you,” she whispered, a smile spreading across her face. She couldn't help it. She wouldn't be breaking his heart by refusing him. He had found somebody.

“What is your news?”

She rambled. She heard Phil in the back of her mind, going on and on about the stupidest thing. It brightened her smile. It must look weird to David. 

“I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't think I'll ever be. I think I knew this when we met. I just… needed to have it confirmed. And then I started to really like you and you liked me and I felt pressure to keep it going… but this news… I'm so happy for you, David. I truly am. You're sweet and patient and I wish you nothing but the best. And I really hope that she's the one for you.”

It took a while but he smiled eventually, too.

“I'm really honored to have spent these months with you, Melinda May.”

“We hardly did anything.”

“You thought about me. Enough to text me. That's flattering enough.”

They hugged and spent some more time together that afternoon. 

She felt good. She might not have a new love but she had a new friend, and in these trying times, that was almost as significant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of David, I promise! I wanted to add this little bit of character development for May, to have her realize that while she might be lonely now, she could never really be with somebody other than Coulson. It's a sad development, but still important to her story, I guess. Thanks for reading so far!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riiiiight so the first part of this chapter was heavily influenced by me basically developing astraphobia last summer. I was on vacation in Hungary (and other places, but I digress) and I was out camping with my parents, ya know, as you do, and since we were so close to a lake (Balaton Lake y'all) we had this massive thunderstorm one night and I'm usually game for thunderstorms, right, because I love how soothing it all is. But this, my hens, was different. Mind you, I was in a tiny tent at this point. I could hear the thunder coming closer until it was so close it literally sounded like it had hit right next to my pillow, and let me tell you, I was shaking for two straight hours and checking the weather forecast praying for the storm to pass. We had no reception the next day and that, my lovelies, is how this girl developed astraphobia. Fun.  
> ALSO this is my birthday present to y'all, because as some of you might know, I have this tradition of gifting my lovely readers something to read every year my birthday comes around, and since this story is in progress, that means more content for you! Aren't you a lucky bunch! (Birthday is April 8, but I will be spending time with my family despite this crisis going on so I won't have time to publish it tomorrow okay byeee.)  
> TLDR; I developed astraphobia and consequently wrote this chapter, and also, it's my birthday tomorrow.  
> Also: I know May's practically a superhero, but even superheroes have weaknesses. Phil Coulson is one. My headcanon is that astraphobia is another.

May was a hero concerning a lot of things. Fight to the death? Sure, bring it on. Somersaults with the Zephyr? No problemo.

But she did have her weaknesses. Usually, they were closely related to Phil Coulson. This one, however, was an exception.

She saw the flash of light and balled her fists on instinct, then still startled when the loud rumbling followed.

Dammit. She was Melinda May. She wasn't scared of anything. 

Another flash of light and the rumbling followed suit, indicating it was closer this time. 

Dammit. How irrational was this shit? She knew it wasn't very likely to hit and even then, it usually wasn't fatal. She didn't have any traumatic experiences when it came to thunder and lightning in her past, but it was unpredictable, and she hated unpredictable. She could tell someone's next move with the tiniest of hints, the dart of an eye, the twitching of a fist. Thunder seemed to have its own rhythm that she hadn't figured out, despite her long life.

This would be easier with Phil in her bed.

Another flash. Rumble. It was coming closer.

Flash. BAM! She could hear the crackling of the lightning as it found its way to the ground. She could swear it had hit right by her bed. Her heart was beating frantically in her chest and sweat was pooling everywhere on her body. She wanted to check up on her girls, but she would only frighten them. She knew that she would probably make Amy scared of thunder too.

Another flash and a crash, barely any space in between. Her ears were ringing - fuck it. She would rather Amy be scared of thunder than have her be dead. 

The bedroom door flew open and May jumped out of bed in fear, before seeing Daisy in the doorway, in full alertness. 

"You okay?"

May didn't respond and Daisy had her answer there. It seemed to surprise her only a little before nodding and setting off, only to return later with a crying baby Amy in her arms.

"It's okay, little one. Your Mommy is just as scared." Amy's tiny arms reached for May and they held onto each other. Daisy looked at the view for a few seconds, before adding almost as an afterthought, "apparently."

May climbed into bed and covered herself with the duvet, Amy close to her chest, her arms not letting go of her mother, as if for dear life. Meanwhile, outside, the world represented more of an active war zone, the thought even more ridiculous than her fear of lightning, because she had been to war zones and they looked nothing like this.

"Dada," Amy cried, and May closed her eyes and covered both their heads, until they lay in the dark underneath the covers, only the flashing of lightning illuminating the room.

Unsurprisingly, Amy didn't calm down from May's rapid heartbeat. If anything, she cried more, because May shouldn't be afraid of this and should be strong for her daughter, but she just couldn't. 

"May?" May felt the mattress dip where Daisy leaned on it. "Can I join you?"

May didn't respond, but didn't protest either when the covers lifted and Daisy appeared in front of her, behind Amy. Daisy seemed calm, collected, not at all fazed.

"Are you shaking, Melinda?" Daisy whispered, a hand reaching out to hold onto May's. Amy felt Daisy's presence and her sobs weakened in force. All of May's words were robbed from her with every single lightning strike that hit close by, each one closer than the previous one. Her breath came as a surprise package to the lightning, disappearing alongside her speech. 

"What would Phil do?" Daisy asked gently, almost indiscernible through the loud crackling outside. May didn't really know the answer to that question, although he had known of her astraphobia. Perhaps he hadn't wanted to make her feel even worse by admitting that she was terrified about something, knowing how horrible she found just the mere idea.

But that was coworker Phil, who had always tried to preserve the peace in her head, and between them. Never daring to cross lines that would be impossible to cross back to the other side.

Lover Phil, her husband, however... he would have probably smiled at her in amusement, before pulling her flush against his chest and possibly whisper words of love into her ear, putting her at ease, distract her from the terror outside, perhaps even enough to allow her to fall asleep and doze through the storm.

"He would have held me."

Daisy nodded and scooted closer, her chest now flush against Amy's back. The girl still gasped for air a little, sobs interrupting a steady flow of air into her little lungs, but a kiss from Daisy on her wet cheek was enough for the little baby to find her thumb and soothe herself some more. 

Daisy's arm crossed over Amy to brush May's cheek. It felt safe and comfortable here underneath the covers, like a makeshift bunker, as though it would protect them from anything. 

"I knew you weren't invincible," Daisy whispered, a bit of a teasing tone in her voice despite the seriousness of the situation, at least for May. Both cracked a little smile, however.

Another loud crackling forced May's eyes closed, wanting to hold onto Amy but knowing the girl would go back to crying. May's hands were left fumbling with each other.

"I have no reason to be afraid," May whispered. "And yet I am."

"You don't have to have a reason to be scared of anything. You're not a robot. You like to pretend to be one. But you're a human being, with feelings and fears. You're allowed to feel that way."

"I'm stronger than this, though."

"I believe you're stronger than you think you are, Melinda. You've lost the love of your life and you're still here. You had your beautiful love child and you're still here, many months later. You both are." Daisy paused, before nodding, as though she was giving herself permission to continue. "He would be proud of you, you know? In fact, I know how proud he already was of you. Couldn't stop talking about it. He loved you so much, Melinda. I swear... he could manage to make me fall in love with you, the way he talked about you. I think he might have told me before he told you, without meaning to. He didn't even use the words, I could just... tell. But then, it was always so obvious. It always had been, from the both of you. I often wondered why you were torturing yourself like that, not giving in to something like this."

"The fact that we're talking about him in the past tense now is reason enough."

"Maybe. But I always found that it's better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all."

"Whatever."

Daisy was quiet for a long time. In the silence, a few rumbles reminded May why they were in this situation in the first place. The young woman was doing a good job at distracting her.

"It's the little things that remind you of him, huh?" Daisy asked. May nodded. "I know it's stupid, but in storms like these, I often find myself thinking it's Lincoln up there, talking to me."

Shit. May had completely forgotten about that in her selfishness. What kind of shitty mother and friend was she if she couldn't even remember that Daisy had lost her lover, too? And that she was affected by that loss probably on a daily basis?

"I used to be scared of lightning, too, as a child. But... then I found out what it actually was, just the air releasing tension, pent up frustration, if you will. I liked that, I was aggressive. Every thunderstorm after that, I was pressed against the windows in the orphanage and watched the lightning bolts shoot down and it calmed me down immensely. Kind of ironic that I would have a boyfriend who shot lightning out of his finger tips."

May smiled and Daisy chuckled at her own thoughts.

"Lincoln kind of had a lot of issues of his own, didn't he?" Daisy concluded after a while. May laughed and nodded.

"Yeah. You made the perfect pair."

The two of them laughed and smiled and they held each other's hand. When May looked down at her baby daughter, she saw she was already fast asleep.

"I miss him. Both of them. But... we're strong together, you and I. We're raising this lady together. She's a hellraiser."

"Sure is." May kissed Amy's forehead lovingly. Amy might give some troubles but she was still May's daughter, and no matter how defiant this soon to be toddler could be, May still loved her. Of course she did. How could she not?

"I miss him," Daisy said.

"Me too."

"You miss Lincoln too?"

"I thought we were back to Phil."

Daisy rolled her eyes. A lightning flash spread over her face. It was weird how May didn't feel quite as scared of the storm outside as she had, although every loud crash did still startle her. 

"I love you, Daisy. Thank you for taking care of us."

"I love you too, Melinda. I will always take care of you two, you know that."

May nodded. They didn't say anything else, no words seemed necessary, the most vital ones already uttered. 

Another flash, then thunder. 

It was still scary. But she had Daisy Johnson by her side, who would always have her back, no matter what.

~...~

May had always vowed not to raise her daughter in a sea of pink. (Or purple, or any other color that was deemed by society to be ‘girlish’.)

And then she saw this little girl crawl (albeit with some difficulty because of her hand) towards her in all-pink, with bows supporting both pigtails of her freakishly long and thick hair, and realized she had failed in that department. 

Phil would have dressed Amelia in pink, too. He liked to be a little conservative like that, she knew. He would have dolled up Amy and May would have balanced it out by dressing Amy in all-black. She sometimes smiled at the non-existent discussions that could have been. She still missed him every day.

Amy was teething. It was the worst. It weren't even her first teeth, the first two on the bottom she had taken like a champ. It were the top two front teeth that were really bothering her now. May was used to being woken up by her baby, only to find that the girl only needed some food or a good hug. But now, Amy woke up in the middle of the night and May could tell instantly that this wasn't a cry for attention - Amy was in serious pain. She wouldn't stop until she had literally cried herself into exhaustion.

May was past that point. She hadn't slept properly since the birth, which had been almost nine months ago now. But most of all, her heart ached seeing her daughter like this. Sometimes, Amy would look up at her, sobbing, like she was asking her mother for help. May would gladly take the pain if she could.

“Baby girl, everything is fine,” May whispered as she rocked Amy in her arms. “Everything will be fine. I know it hurts now. I wish I could take it away. But Mommy is here, and Mommy loves you very much. I will make sure your life is better than mine, baby girl. You won't have to go through all the things I did.”

Amelia didn't have to go ice skating against her will only to ditch it for piano lessons because her mother had changed her mind. Amelia could join any sports she wanted, even ice skating. Amelia didn't have to follow in her mother's footsteps and become a spy and have her entire life burn up in front of her every time she lost someone she cared about. Amelia didn't have to settle for the next guy just because the man (or woman) of her dreams seemed way out of reach. Amelia didn't have to bury two husbands.

Amelia would go through hardships, May knew that. There was no way to prevent that. But she would have a mother who would always have her back and a big sibling to look up to and she would no doubt find a sweetheart who could make her heart beat faster and who would tease her mercilessly and who would hug her so tight she couldn't possibly have any doubts about her feelings for him.

May wished only the best for her daughter. Amelia didn't have to be like her mother. Anything would be better than being like Melinda May.

She had sat against the headboard of her own bed, knowing that there was a 50/50 shot they would end up sleeping here anyway. May looked briefly to the side, where an empty pillow lay, hardly ever slept on. It was somewhat odd to realize that Phil had never slept in this bed. May felt like she had lived in this house forever, but it really had only been a couple of months, a year maybe. She wondered why she was still pretending to be part of a couple, with her two pillows neatly beside each other.

The door opened and Daisy stepped in, her eyes near closed, still. May felt a rush of guilt soar through her - Daisy deserved better than to be woken up by this baby almost every night.

“You okay?” May asked her. Daisy shrugged. “Go back to bed, Daisy. I got this.”

Daisy shook her head and left, and May frowned, had she been sleepwalking again? But Daisy returned a little while later and pushed something into May's hand. It was oddly cold. Daisy leaned down and kissed both May and Amy's cheek and left.

May looked down at her hand and noticed Amy had already reached for the item Daisy had given and was contently sucking on it.

A teething ring. Of course. Why hadn't May thought of that? But then again, Daisy had been a massive support with Amy, sometimes chipping in as a second parent when it got too much to handle for May. 

Phil would be proud to learn that they could manage without him. Though it would be nice to cuddle up to him again, their baby daughter between them.

May sighed and scooted down, placing Amy on the bed and tucking her in loosely. She watched Amy suck on the ring, drool all over their clothes, and May smiled briefly at the thought - two years ago, she had been fighting robots and aliens and alien robots in her leather flight suit, and now she still wore most of her maternity clothes and they were covered in spit from her baby and it made her feel so much happier than any kick or punch she had ever landed.

She'd had so much unresolved anger inside her, she had been mad at her parents, her old mentors, Andrew, the team and even Phil. But he had held her close and told her he loved her and it all had washed off her shoulders. She was no longer angry, not angry enough to want to punch someone anyway. She was still angry about Phil's death, though. She would always be angry at that. Phil would be so happy to see this little girl grow up, too.

Yet May was happy now. She had Amelia. It was all she had ever needed, and Phil had made her see that. Phil had loved her so much, and their baby, too, even before meeting this wonderful and cheeky little girl. He had been excited knowing he would leave this earth a husband and a father and it had been all he needed, too. It was why he had let go of life - he was complete.

“I love you, baby girl,” May whispered, echoing Phil who was speaking from her heart. She fought sleep for a few minutes to make sure Amy would fall asleep, too.

~...~

Daisy got quite sick at some point and May was, albeit briefly, at a loss as to what she should do. She couldn't very well pull out her handbook she had bought to prepare herself for Amelia, could she? Daisy was an adult after all. Aside from the fact that Daisy could have a lot of medication that Amelia couldn't, Daisy probably needed a much different approach than Amelia did.

Amy had been sick, just a few weeks before, and it had terrified May to no end. What could she do? She couldn't lose Amy! But it turned out that the thing that worked best for Amy was just being held close - it calmed her down enough so she could fall asleep, which had ultimately gotten her back on her feet. As a matter of speaking. Amy was barely one.

“Daisy?”

Daisy murmured something underneath all of her covers. May doubted she was fully awake. Amy stirred against May's chest, safely inside the sling wrapped around May. Amy had been restless all day, a little down maybe, perhaps because she sensed that her big sister wasn't doing well. Admittedly, it was a bit quiet without Daisy playing her loud music, or her heated debates about macaroni - or rather, the way May prepared macaroni. 

As a single parent, May couldn't afford to lay in bed all day long, even though it was very tempting and Daisy did occasionally make it possible by doing some housework. But now that Daisy was sick, May certainly had to do everything alone and the only way to make everybody happy was by having Amy wrapped up in a sling tight against May's chest. That way, May had her arms free and Amy got to be close to her mother. Oftentimes, Amy wouldn't even be sleeping, which she should be, but she would be babbling to nobody in particular and pull on May's hair when she wasn't getting enough attention and altogether be an adorable little baby May loved to have around. Except for today, perhaps. Amy was cranky without her sister's company.

But finally, Amy had fallen asleep. Now, only Daisy needed to join her, and then her girls were safe and good.

May sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch Daisy’s forehead, only to pull back as if burned. Man. She needed to get these blankets off of her or else she might overheat. She moved them down but Daisy shook her head and murmured something unintelligible.

“Let me take care of you, baby,” May whispered, brushing Daisy's damp hair out of her face. “You always take such good care of me.”

Daisy raised her eyebrows, eyes still closed. It looked kind of hilarious. May brushed Daisy's forehead, wiped it with the damp cloth she had brought and remained close for a while.

“You probably have a fever,” May whispered. “I want to take your temperature just to be sure. You need to keep drinking.”

“Hmm.”

“Anything else I can do for you?”

Daisy nodded and her arm reached up, barely any strength, to hold onto May. It sped up May’s heartbeat a little, the sight and feeling reminding her of Phil a bit too much.

She had actually gone to therapy to deal with her loss, something she had surprised even herself with but it felt good to talk about it to someone objective, someone who knew what were the best steps to take. She had found it quite ironic - she had hated it when Andrew had analyzed her like that, like she was a patient and not a wife, but now she sought out this help voluntarily. 

She had discussed Andrew, too. He didn't deserve what had happened to him, either, and while she might not have loved him as much as she used to, it still hurt to see him like that.

But at the end of her sessions, her therapist had assured her that she would be fine eventually, but that she could be dealing with PTSD-like symptoms. 

Cue Daisy's limp arm and her raspy breath.

Okay. Deep breaths in and out. This was just the flu. Daisy could do this. She was strong and otherwise healthy and nobody that strong had ever died from the flu, had they?

“Can… lay… me…”

May nodded and lifted the covers, sliding in awkwardly next to Daisy, the sleeping baby against her chest kind of an obstacle now. May lay on her back, Amy on her chest, needing some rearrangements so that the baby was safe and comfortable. Daisy snuggled into May's side and let out a contented sigh.

“I love you, Melinda,” Daisy whispered. It might be the only intelligible thing she had said since falling ill. She fell asleep within minutes. Perhaps Daisy and Amy had more in common than thought at first.

May looked at these two girls, both fast asleep now, and knew she loved them more than anything or anybody she had ever known. She would give her own life so that they could live, for their happiness, their health. She would do anything for them.

For now, she just held them close. Her miracle daughters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. (Saddest birthday in years. Also, when I put that line in my Snapchat story, it autocorrected to tears, and that's a whole mood.)  
> Also, if you're thinking, 'May's doing pretty good so far, idk what you're talking about', a sh*t storm is coming, hens. Be prepared.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is where shit hits the fan. And I mean A LOT OF SHIT hits a relatively small fan and it's just a mess but that's life nowadays and we have to live with it I guess. Also, don't forget I wrote this a long time before this crisis and if I had had to write this today, I probably couldn't have because shit is just too damn real and I was definitely doing better a year ago oh well. May was doing better before this chapter too, and that is where the shit comes into play, because I like making these fictional characters suffer.  
> (Also thanks to everyone who still reads this story and especially comments, not gonna lie I was hoping more people would? But I'm nevertheless super grateful that ANYONE is reading this story so thank you for being here and reading okay byee.)

May had a lot of free time on her hands. She didn't need to work - she had built up a significant bank account balance herself, but Phil had left everything he had owned to her, including his ridiculous collection of Captain America memorabilia and  _ Lola _ . He had left her Lola. She hadn't even known that stupid car was still out there somewhere until she had seen it clearly in his will.

She loved that stupid car. He had stored an extra pair of sunglasses in the glove department. She still remembered driving around in it, wind in her hair, him teasing her mercilessly. She smiled at the memory. Stupid car. It was just such a shame no one seemed to know where the car was stored, despite it being in Phil's will.

The money he had left her had been a significant amount. He had lived in a sober way for many years, she had known that. He had rented an apartment but he had hardly stayed there, preferring his bunk at the base, for some reason. (She had a feeling it was because of the people staying there with him. She herself had hardly gone home, either.) Daisy had assisted May with the will and had gotten incredibly excited at everything on there, claiming they could buy some nice things with that money, spoil Amy. But said baby had squirmed against May's chest inside her sling, and May had instinctively refused. 

“No. I want Amy to be able to study.” 

Daisy had been only temporarily disappointed but ultimately understood.

“You too, if you want.” There wasn't really enough money to have both of them go to College but May would figure something out. She would live equally as sober as Phil had.

Daisy shook her head but May could tell she hadn't been able to put the idea out of her head.

They had gone out for dinner, just the three of them. May had taken the pram with her knowing full well she would only be struggling with it all night long without Amy being in it. A good-looking guy had helped her and Daisy unload the pram from their trunk, and May had simply chuckled at Daisy's staring. (They were fully capable of unloading it themselves, that's why they had bought this lightweight pram.)

May had put Amy in the pram and hadn't been surprised to find the baby crying within moments. She gave it a couple of minutes, preferring to have Amy in the pram rather than the sling, but she was very much aware of the people looking at her, annoyed. She understood. She was used to the crying by now.

“Baby girl, you gotta get in the pram one day.”

Amy quieted when May expertly wrapped her up in the sling, forward facing, so Daisy could feed her. They were true experts on this. They had done it many times before.

“Mel?” Daisy had explained that she still looked at May as May, despite the fact that they were living together and everything. May didn't really force Daisy into calling her Melinda but she preferred not to be called May by the one person whom she was the closest to. So they had settled for Mel. Which was odd, because only Phil and Andrew had called her that. 

“Hmm?”

“I was thinking…”

“Thinking's good.”

Daisy rolled her eyes. “I'm thinking about going to school. I never meant to go to school. I'm not even sure. I…” She sighed. “Back in the day, before you found me, I barely had enough money to pay for food. Or my bus. Education was the last thing on my mind… but I guess, I could get some more schooling… and… I don't know if I want to stay with SHIELD forever. I know you quit. And you're happy now.”

“That wasn't just because of quitting SHIELD,” May interrupted. She squeezed Amy's little foot. Maybe Amy would understand eventually.

“No, I know. But I would like to be educated… now. I'll pay for most of it myself, or try to anyway. But I might need… a little extra.”

“Of course, Daisy. We'll look at the options.” Then, May's seriousness left her, her curiosity winning over. She smiled brightly. “What are you gonna study?”

Daisy smiled too and it was obvious she really wanted this. And had probably wanted this for a long time. May made up her mind and decided that she would open all of their finances to make sure Daisy could do this. May still had many years to save up for Amy.

“Something IT related. I haven't really looked at the options yet. I want something close because I can't leave you alone.”

“Don't let me influence your choices, Daisy. If you want this, go for it. I'll manage.”

“No, you misunderstood. I don't  _ want _ to leave you alone. Mel, you're my mom. I…” Daisy coughed. Too emotional, still. Even after all these months spent living together as mother and daughter, it was still difficult in a way to talk about this relationship. Daisy had spent the first, what, 25 years of her life searching for her biological mother, only to find out how crazy she had been. And then May took over. She was the mother Daisy had always wanted, May knew. She was glad to be this for Daisy. “And Amy. I don't want to miss a single thing she does.”

Amy chuckled at the mention of her name and all three of them were smiling now. 

May's little girl might be going off to College soon. Luckily her littlest girl still had many years of childhood to go.

~...~

May had started to document all of Amy's milestones - bit too late, perhaps, but Amy would have a lot of milestones to meet. She still had an entire book to fill.

Amelia Ju Coulson, the cover read. It was yellow and covered with little bees and Daisy had made the joke that May would be the ultimate ‘busy bee’ from now on. 

Amy's talking hadn't really improved after her first word, so May assumed it were just the first few attempts at talking rather than skilled tries. It was fine. If Amy was anything like her father, May should cherish the time spent without talking. (Phil was a real rambler and it had always amused May how he could go on for seemingly forever.) But Amy still babbled endlessly in her own little language, and May loved to pretend to have conversations with her. Amy was very good in debates and May had still lost some arguments, despite the lack of vocabulary.

Amy was finally starting to accept the pram - well, accept was perhaps a big word. She sat in the pram, still cranky and annoyed that she wasn't in her mother's arms anymore, but she was no longer crying and throwing tantrums.

Amy was starting to crawl for real but her underdeveloped hand was limiting her in that. Her pediatrician had convinced May that there was nothing to worry about, that Amy could possibly still walk at the same age as her peers. May wasn't worried. Amy was a very normal kid otherwise and May had never felt like she needed to seriously worry about developmental issues. May had learned to let her worries go. If Amy had any cognitive or development issues, so be it. May wouldn't love her daughter any less for it. She would always be there to support her, no matter what.

~...~

May awoke one night, having fallen asleep on the couch, to the air thick with something yet unidentifiable. She coughed, opened her eyes, and found the entire room filled with smoke.

“Shit!”

She jumped up, her head spinning, but she acted out of instinct. She had no idea what had happened but she didn't have time to investigate. She heard Amy's shrill cries from her nursery and realized that the girl must have noticed way before May had that this was quickly going south. Oh my god, what if she was too late already, and she was listening to her baby dying?! May rushed to the nursery and saw from the corner of her eyes that the corridor leading up to Daisy’s room was ablaze. Daisy wasn't home, thank God. No time to waste.

Amy was fine - distressed, but uninjured. 

“I'm here, baby girl! Let's get you out!” May quickly wrapped Amy up in some extra blankets and left the room. She had to find a way out. The window leading to the small balcony at the other side of the corridor, past Daisy's room, was completely blocked off by fire, so no getting out there. She rushed to the front door but saw it was blocked off, too. What had happened? Why were there separate fires? Were there even separate fires?

Amy brought back her focus. Right. Escape.

The only other way out she knew of was through one of the windows and they were four floors up. It was too high. They wouldn't survive a jump. 

She had to risk it. Pushing Amy closer to her chest, she rushed to Amy's window and opened it, looking down. It was so high. The ground spun before her eyes. 

Some people were looking up in shock but she didn't hear any sirens. 

“Hey! Hello!”

The people downstairs saw her now, gasping and pointing. 

“Please catch my baby!”

She doubted they had heard what she said but they understood what she meant. 

May looked at Amy. She loved this girl so much. Even if the people downstairs caught her baby wrong, she would survive, with perhaps a few broken bones or scratches. It was better than burning alive. (Which was the fate she was facing, because they wouldn't be able to catch her.) 

She wrapped the blankets tighter around Amy. Even though she had to leave her and die herself, Amy would live. Daisy would come and take care of her and she would be able to raise her and do a marvelous job at it. Daisy loved her baby sister. Amy was safe with her.

Amy was still crying, as though she knew what was happening, and wouldn't let go of May's hair.

“Mommy loves you so much, baby girl. You will be alright. Daisy will take care of you. Daisy loves you, too.”

She tucked in Amy's little hands, her fingers brushing over Amy's left hand lovingly. She loved this little hand, even though it wasn’t perfect. It showed May how special Amy was, not just because she was her daughter and mothers were supposed to feel that way about their children - it showed her how much of a miracle Amy was, the fact that she wasn’t complete, like May’s body had tried so damn hard to finish this baby girl. With the last remaining strength in her body, after losing Phil, she had managed to finish Amy. She wasn’t perfect. But Amy was still happy and healthy. She would miss this little girl. But there was no time to save herself, and Amy's safety and wellbeing had always been her priority. So what if May died? Amy could survive. That was the most important thing.

The smoke was getting thicker and May was getting light headed and realized she needed to act now. Kissing Amy on her forehead one final time, she leaned out the window, made sure the people were looking at her before throwing her baby out the window. Her heart was racing so badly in her chest, she was nauseous seeing Amy fly through the air, until she saw Amy safely in someone's arms, crying but safe.

Amy was safe. She let out a breath, but when she inhaled again, she coughed and turned around. 

Well. Either die of smoke inhalation or fire, or die as she jumped four stories and probably broke her neck. Neither seemed pleasant.

Then, a fleeting thought rushed through her.

Phil.

She would have to go through pain but she would be with Phil and she had missed him so much, she could be in his arms and see him smile at her and it was enough.

Amy would survive. And Daisy would, too, because she wasn't home. Only May wouldn't. But if that was the worst of it?

She coughed and slumped over and realized that she was quickly losing fresh air.

She sat down on the floor leaning against the wall.

Damn. She hadn't expected it to be over like this. Of course, she had wanted to live a long time still, to see Daisy go to College and Amy grow up to be a lovely and sweet young woman. But alas, her life had never gone the way she had wanted to. She had gotten Phil, but he had been taken away from her just as quickly.

However cheesy it sounded - she saw her life flash before her eyes. Ballet recitals turned ice skating competitions, only to exchange it for martial arts; joining SHIELD and finally feeling like she had some control over her life; her mother’s constant moaning about May’s insufficient career developments; meeting Phil, oh, meeting Philip J. Coulson, that lovely dork who could make a conversation weird with just one word, who had turned out to become her best friend and her rock and the best partner she could have ever asked for; meeting Andrew Garner and loving him, only to lose him to the very same threat she was trying to control; realizing she was head-over-heels in love with Phil and never changing that opinion, even though he could shout at her or pretend he didn’t like her in his attempts to deal with his own feelings. Meeting Fitzsimmons and  _ Ward _ and making new friends and finally seeing Fitzsimmons for the power-team that they were. Meeting Skye, seeing her turn into Daisy Johnson, starting to regard her as her own daughter until they were laying in bed together talking about Phil Coulson with the younger woman’s hand resting comfortably on May’s swollen belly. Her belly. God, her beautiful belly, that she had cursed so much over the many months she had been pregnant. She would have traded it gladly for Phil’s wellbeing, but seeing the beautiful human being that came out of that belly, she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Not even to have Phil beside her.

Well, maybe a little.

And then Amelia. Beautiful, sweet, funny little Amelia Ju Coulson. One of two people May could ever regard as the love of her life. Her entire life was dedicated to that little girl, that girl that was currently outside, probably being grumpy because she was held by strangers. May had proven that she would do anything for her baby, and this right here, the smoke slowly engulfing her, the fire having reached the doorpost, was the ultimate sacrifice. 

_ Okay. Take me with you, Phil. I'm ready. I love you and I'm ready.  _

She lost consciousness within minutes. 

~...~

There was a blinding white light and she only needed to blink a couple of times to get her bearings. She was laying down, probably on the ground, but the surface didn't feel hard like she had expected to. The white around her stretched out for miles and miles, no walls, not even a bump. Just pristine whiteness. There wasn't anything or anyone around her. She sat up straight. She was still wearing the clothes she had been wearing in the fire. Was she in heaven? She hardly believed in one. Phil had. 

“Mel?”

A hand appeared out of nowhere, and she frowned at it, before an arm appeared, shoulders, and the person stepped in front of her.

“Oh.”

He reached for her hand and helped her up. He felt firm. Like he was really there. But he couldn't be.

Phil smiled at her and her heart started racing inside her chest. She would have given anything just to see that smile again. It seemed she really had given everything, sacrificed herself.

“I'm happy to see you, but what are you doing here?”

“Where is here?”

He smiled brighter and looked around. She knew where they were. She couldn't help herself anymore - she stepped towards him and practically fell into his arms.

Oh! She had wanted to do this for months, she couldn't believe he was here! He was here!

Oh, right. She had died. Perhaps she should be a little more somber. 

But Phil was here. Her Phil. The love of her life, her children's father and her best friend. He had been with her for three decades, and then he had left. But not anymore. She could finally be with him again.

“How's our baby?” he asked her, his arms around her grounding her, hugging her broken pieces back together until they formed a tattered heart, but one that could probably function a little better. Broken edges and all.

“Amelia. I named her Amelia.”

He kissed her forehead and she chuckled. Man. She loved him so much.

“She's doing really well. She looks so much like you.” She smiled up at him and cradled his cheeks. “She's so beautiful, Phil. She's perfect.”

And then he kissed her and she melted against him, her arms wrapping around his neck, god, she was so happy to be able to do this again, kiss him deeply, feel his strong and firm body against hers. She had missed this. 

But, like everything else in her life, it came to an end. He pulled away and leaned his forehead against hers and she could see in his eyes that there was something off. She didn’t want to face it, whatever it was. She was happy here, with him. So she tried to kiss him and he gave in for just a few seconds, before pushing her away, enough so he could look at her. 

“It’s not your time yet, Melinda,” he whispered. 

“But it is.”

He shook his head and his hand brushed her cheek. “I would love to have you here with me, in my arms, but it’s not your time. You have to be down there, with our daughter… with Amelia, and Daisy… how is Daisy?”

She looked at him and held onto his pristine white shirt. He had always looked good in white. “I don’t want to leave you again, Phil.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I wish I was still with you. But… you’re doing well so far, aren’t you? Our beautiful daughters are still with you and you’ve survived this far without me.” 

She shook her head.

“Don’t make me leave. Phil. I want to stay with you.”

“I love you, Melinda May. I’ll see you again when you’re old and gray and you can tell me all about Amelia and Daisy and how much they’ve grown. And please tell them I love them. And please… don’t forget how much I love you. I always have. I always will.”

He held her close and she rested her head against his chest. Just a little while longer… just a few more minutes. If she had to leave, she wanted to still feel his arms around her when she returned. 

“And don’t you dare come back sooner,” he whispered in her ear, his voice teasing, just the way she had always remembered him. She closed her eyes and imagined him with her amongst their friends and family - their daughters, the youngest babbling happily to her Daddy, the eldest ranting about the significance of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. May smiled and held onto him a little tighter. 

Sounds began to resurface around her, beeps and unintelligible conversation. She was starting to hurt all over and something was blocking her throat and she wanted to scream, she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t feel Phil anymore. She opened her eyes and saw she was still surrounded by mostly white, yet now she saw some walls surrounding her, although she only saw the tips of them. 

How was she not dead?

A couple of hands were on her and people were speaking to her but she had trouble hearing what they were saying. Then, one voice pushed through.

“I’m here, Mel. You’re safe.”

Daisy Johnson. Thank god.

Something was pulled out of her throat and she almost gagged, but she was suddenly able to breathe properly again. She tried to sit up to adjust to this sudden change but she was held down. She coughed heavily, but her chest hurt so much.

All of the other voices were still unclear but Daisy was there and that was honestly all May needed to know. Well, not  _ all _ .

“Amy?” she choked out, still recovering from that move they pulled on her. Daisy’s hand covered May’s. It really could have been any other hand, considering May couldn’t see it happening, but she knew what Daisy’s hand felt like. Daisy had comforted May like that a lot since Phil had died.

“She’s safe. She’s in the kid’s ward.”   
“I want to see her.”

“You will soon.”   
Daisy was sent away and May could definitely kill some people for the way they were handling her. She was pushing them away and declining their help until the pain all over her body finally took over. This wasn’t just emotional pain. She was injured. (No wonder, after what she had been through.) Her chest hurt the most, and she felt bandages around her arms and shoulders.

“Mrs. Coulson, I’m Doctor Allie Linette-”

“My daughter! I need to see my baby!”

An unfamiliar hand was on her arm and she pushed it away. No. No one she didn’t know. Nobody could touch her. There were only about a handful of people who could ever touch her without needing stitches. She wouldn’t beat up this woman over this, she didn’t know, but she wouldn’t be accepting more touching.

“Amelia is fine, Mrs. Coulson. She’s asleep. I’m here for you, calm down.”

No. No. She would not calm down until she could see her baby. Surely they understood. She had thrown Amy from her bedroom window, for God’s sake! May needed to know if she was alright! No, she needed to  _ see _ \- she needed to hold her baby and brush her hair and tell her how sorry she was for what had happened and that she loved Amy very much.

But then she felt the distinct prick of a needle in her forearm and got angry, what the hell were they doing to her?! She once again wanted to sit up, dammit people were still holding her down, but everything hurt, too, and she forced down a sob. She was getting really scared. And Melinda May wouldn’t admit to that feeling often. One moment, she had been in her apartment, hearing the fire spread around her, smoke filling her lungs; the next, she had been with Phil, her sweet, darling Phil, his arms wrapped around her tightly and his lips on hers; and then the next, she was in this room, probably a hospital, with people she didn’t know forcing her down while all she really needed was to see her baby.

Their baby. She needed to see Phil’s baby.

She felt herself getting weaker and was unsure of what they had put into her arm. Her vision started swimming and she felt tears build up in her eyes.

_ Amelia _ .

She just had to see Amelia. 

And then suddenly, her vision was clear as day, her surroundings no longer dancing. Daisy had stepped into view with Amy in her arms. Daisy looked a little scared, much like May had been feeling before they had sedated her. May could finally focus on Daisy properly - there were some marks on her face and arms but she was otherwise well. May wondered briefly where she had gotten those injuries. 

Amy was blissfully asleep, and May felt an immense relief wash over her at the sight of her baby. Oh. Oh! Thank God! She was asleep and May didn’t see any injuries and that was the most important thing. Her baby was safe! Thank God!

Daisy placed Amy on May’s chest and the baby stirred a little, no doubt sensing her mother was close. May’s arms wrapped around Amy and she was determined never ever to let go again.

“I’m sorry, baby girl,” May whispered, the relief causing her tears to have rolled down her cheeks. She was shaking and she was getting weaker with every breath she took. Well, alright. She had her baby close. She looked up at the doctor, and only noticed then that a lot of other voices had left. Only her doctor and one nurse were standing around her, looking at the scene before them with worry and perhaps slight empathy. “I’m sorry,” she told them. She was genuine. She never wanted to bring them trouble. They were only trying to help her. 

“That’s alright, Mrs. Coulson. We shouldn’t have kept Amelia from you.”

The doctor cleared her throat and grabbed her clipboard again.

“Mrs. Coulson, I’m Doctor Linette, I have been treating you since you came in.”

“When did I come in?”

“About two days ago. We’ve kept you in a coma to monitor you properly.” Dr. Linette pulled over a chair and sat down. May looked at her - middle-aged, probably the same age May was, blonde, with a kind face. May looked at the nurse - still much too young, but no doubt experienced. Daisy was sitting on the bed beside May’s, rubbing her eyes, her own arms, looking, quite frankly, quite the mess. 

“We treated you for second degree burns on your right arm and shoulder, first degree burns on your left arm and shoulder. You have multiple fractured ribs, due to the resuscitation. You might feel lightheaded and short of breath for a while, too. You inhaled a lot of smoke.”

Man. She had survived a fire with just some minor burns. Clearly, Phil must have meant for her to survive.

May saw a police officer stand in the doorway but focused on her doctor for the moment.

“I should inform you, Officer Harris is here to take your witness statement, for the investigation. If you feel uncomfortable answering any questions, please feel free to stop us.”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Alright. Do you remember what happened?”

And May told them everything she knew. About how she had woken up because she had smelled smoke and had found part of her apartment already on fire; about how she had found Amy distressed in her crib; about how she had thrown her own baby out of the window (her heart still hurt at that memory, but it had led to Amy’s safety); and about how she had been unable to find a safe way out and had actually given in to death right then and there. (She left out the fact that she had been to heaven and had seen her deceased husband.)

Daisy gasped but otherwise remained silent. May looked at Daisy and felt guilt soar through her. May had been the only adult present. She should have been more responsible and not fall asleep on the couch. Perhaps if she had been awake, she could have sensed the fire before it had gotten out of hand and nobody would have been hurt. She didn’t even want to think about the damage that their apartment had sustained. Or injuries that any of their neighbors had. 

Officer Harris stepped in now with his notepad at the ready.

“We are almost entirely certain what happened, we just need some more details from you. Do you remember in which part of the apartment the fire was when you first spotted it?”

“It was past Daisy’s room.”

“Past or inside?”

She thought hard, but it was difficult with the sedatives slowing her down. She understood why they had given them to her, though. She was well aware of the strength she had, and had no doubt Daisy had warned them of it. She had only had the best intentions, of course. 

“I’m not sure. I thought at first it might be past, but now it’s kind of blurry. I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright. Well, it’s too early to tell, the investigation is still running, but we have reason to believe that the fire started in Miss Johnson’s room. Her computer probably overheated and set fire.”

May looked at Daisy, who was crying again. May wasn’t very technical, but she knew computers didn’t just go up in flames. And besides, Daisy hadn’t been at home and she never left her computer running while she was gone, to save power. 

“I think it might have been a virus,” Daisy explained, her voice uncharacteristically low. “I’m still… working on it… oh May, I’m so sorry.” And she started sobbing.

May shook her head and put Daisy on standby. Daisy deserved more of her attention, not just some quick reassurance and a pat on her shoulder. She looked at Officer Harris and Doctor Linette, who nodded almost instantly. She was grateful for their level of empathy.

“We will get back to you when we have more questions. I thank you for your time, Mrs. Coulson, Miss Johnson.”

The two of them left, only the nurse stayed, to administer some medication and make sure May was okay. But May wasn’t really paying attention to her anymore. She was reaching out for Daisy, who despite her tears still saw her there, and within moments Daisy had dived onto the bed and into May’s arms. It hurt, the bandages around her arm pushing onto her burns painfully, but she would much rather hold Daisy close than feel comfortable. 

Daisy was sobbing uncontrollably but she was still trying to say something. May had no idea what she was saying so instead just let her ramble while holding her close, brushing Daisy’s hair and tracing circles on Amy’s back. 

It hurt. Everything did. It was too much. The knowledge that Amy had almost died, the fact that May had definitely died but had come back to life - the fact that Daisy was somehow covered in marks while she had been nowhere near the apartment to begin with.

“I just felt like… something wasn’t right and… I went to the apartment and… I found the entire thing on fire and I started panicking so much because you always calm me down and you weren’t there to calm me down and I saw somebody holding Amy and then I was even more confused and I saw people pointing to Amy’s window and I just knew you were there-” She interrupted her rambling by taking in a deep breath. “-Amy couldn’t very well have jumped out of the window herself and so I went inside even though people kept pulling me back but I just can’t afford to live without you, you know, and I had a kind of fear that you might not even want to fight for it because you would be stupid enough to want to be with Coulson, even though we are right here but anyway, I found you in the nursery and I blasted the wall out and brought you to safety. I’m sorry. I know I look like shit, I know my computer might have been the reason for all of this. I have everything saved to the cloud, I can access it on my laptop, I just need to sit down and look at all the data but you were in a coma and I couldn’t very well leave you because what if you woke up and you were all alone and I knew you would panic and you would want to see Amy so I just kept-”

“Daisy.”

Daisy shut up instantly and looked up at May. May just sighed and brushed some more hair out of Daisy’s face. 

“You ramble just like your dad.” Phil Coulson had a very bad habit of speaking forever if nobody stopped him. “It’s alright. We’re here now. We’re all safe. That’s what counts.”

“But what about your burns? Or our apartment?”

“The burns will heal, and we’ll buy a new apartment. We will manage. Might have to live on bread and water for the next few months.”

Daisy simply sighed in relief and closed her eyes. 

“That’s it, baby, you’re safe now that you’re with me.” It had escaped May before she could even stop it. Amy’s eyes opened slowly and she was still practically asleep, even though she eventually stared at her mother out of those gorgeous deep brown eyes. But when baby Amy recognized her mother’s eyes, she was instantly awake. 

“Mama!” It had been a long time since Amy had said something intelligible, let alone such a meaningful word.

Daisy grinned and all was forgotten for a while.

Finally, little Amelia spoke, and it was very clear that she knew what she was talking about, too. So despite everything that had happened, despite the fact that she had almost died and May had thrown her out of a window, she still loved her mother and sister.

“I can’t believe I threw her out of a window.”

Daisy’s grin disappeared and she looked up at May. Daisy wasn’t all too serious - if May was not mistaken, Daisy looked almost proud.

“You did what any mother would have done.”

“It was four stories.”

“Amy made it, thanks to you. She was a little grumpy when she’d been caught by a stranger but she’ll be thanking you in the future.”

Perhaps Daisy was right. May had done what any other parent would have - save your child first, and then you, no matter the cost. She was thankful that there had been people down on the ground to catch her baby. Amy would not have been well off inside the apartment. 

But May was mostly just thankful to be alive. She still had her girls with her. Each and every day, the universe tried to throw something at them to separate them, but May wouldn’t give in to that. Keep her girls close, that was all that mattered.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still safe and sane! If not sane, then I hope this chapter might help with that! (Shameless self-advertising.)  
> So in this chapter, May finally sees a therapist. It was about time. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not a therapist, so any and all methods of treating May is to be taken with a grain of salt. Generally, I incorporated whatever was most useful to the story, but real therapy might be very different.  
> (Also, I feel terrible for the way I came across last chapter. I didn't mean to call any of you out or try to guilt-trip you into leaving a comment! Sorry for that!)

They had quickly started renting a new apartment but it just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as big as their previous one, Amy’s new crib just barely fit inside her nursery, but they had a roof above their head and they were safe, all three of them. Even though Daisy had had to sleep on an air mattress in the living room the first few weeks, because most of her new room wasn’t finished. (May had protested, offering her bed instead, but Daisy wouldn't have it.)

May had been released from the hospital after about a week, with clear instructions on how to treat her injuries. Daisy took it very seriously and had forced May awake more than once just to refresh her bandages. 

When May had been strong enough to walk properly (getting quick flashbacks to the time after Amy’s birth), she walked into Amy’s nursery and sat down on the ground. There was not enough room for a rocking chair or even just a small chair. It was alright. 

She got a little sad when she saw the blank walls in Amy’s room. May had been so proud of Amy’s old nursery, the room had been customized to fit Amy perfectly. Multiple gifts from aunts, uncles and friends had been proudly showcased on shelves, picture frames with Amy on the last ultrasound before her birth and Fitzsimmons admiring their newborn niece, smiles on their faces, or Amy’s first shoes that she had quickly outgrown. Everything was lost now, and May should be happy that they had survived, and she was. But it made her cry just thinking about all of the treasured items that had been in their apartment and which would never be retrieved.

She thought of Phil’s Captain America collection. Most of the items had been in May’s bedroom, on shelves or her dresser, the memories they had given her being enough to send her to sleep smiling. It felt like she had lost Phil all over again. 

Not to mention her little trip. She wasn’t sure if it had been heaven, but it had certainly felt very real. He had felt very real. And she had dreamed of him a lot since then, renewed memories of them in SHIELD, of him hugging her like only he could. Upon waking up, she had cried. It really did feel like losing him again.

She would need some serious therapy after this. She might never allow Daisy to own a computer or laptop again, but she knew accidents could always happen.

Amy was standing up in her crib now, most of the standing caused by her leaning against the crib rails. Her little hand reached through the slats and waved at her.

“Mama.”

It was Amy’s first conscious word and her favorite word at that. May loved to hear Amy say this little word, so short but so meaningful. Nobody had ever called her that, not even Daisy. Perhaps really only Amy would call her that.

May wiped away her tears and took in a deep breath, forcing a smile on her face. But Amy was smart, and Amy knew her mother was anything but happy.

“Mama ‘ry?”

“Yes, Mommy was crying, baby girl.”

“Uh-uh, Mama!” Amy wiggled and shook her pointed finger at May and May couldn’t help but smile at that. She stood, took her baby in her arms and Amy instantly cuddled closer. Amy was such a good hugger. Much like her-

The tears came out of nowhere, but both of them knew they weren’t necessarily sad tears. Amy smiled at May as she pushed away a little. That toothy grin. Those big brown eyes lit up whenever she smiled. The longer May stared into Amy's eyes, the more she confirmed that there were definitely traces of blue amidst the brown. (May wished Amy's eyes could have stayed blue, because that had been one of her favorite things about Phil, but she knew realistically that all brown genes, namely eyes and hair, were always dominant.)

That smile, though. That gorgeous, wide smile.

Yep. Just like her father. 

~...~

After that, Amy just seemed to grow an inch a day. Soon, she was speaking ‘whole’ sentences (even though they were mostly to demand something, like ‘ice cream now’ or ‘kissy please’). She could almost flawlessly walk and she was already in the toddler phase.

May no longer kept track of everything that Amy did. It had just been a fleeting thought anyway, but after the fire, the original book had been destroyed, and it just hurt too much to start a new one. Besides, she could only be creative like that once.

The team had stepped in and had helped with moving. She could really use an extra pair of hands, or two, because she still couldn’t lift heavy objects with her healing burns, and she didn’t want Daisy to do all the work.

May had gone to her new therapist one afternoon, bringing Amy with her because all of her friends had been preoccupied. She had really thought that she might be done after last time but she should have known she would be back. Her life was never as it should be.

Amy was in May’s lap, holding her favorite book in her hands pretending to read it. She sometimes poked her mother’s chin or cheek for attention. 

“So, Mrs. Coulson, why are you here?”

“Please. Call me Melinda.”

“Melinda. Why are you here?”

“I died in a house fire three months ago.”

“You… what?”

May backtracked and explained the situation. She really did firmly believe that she had died. They had resuscitated her, after all, and that usually means you’re technically dead. It would fit their family, in any case - Phil had died and had come back to life five days later with some alien voodoo stuff; Daisy had died barely two years later, also having been revived by the same alien crap; and now Melinda May, the only one not to be pumped full of alien blood and frankly, she was happy with it. Not to mention that time Radcliffe had killed her, even if it was to save her.

Still. She had died in the fire. She had seen Phil in heaven or whatever it had been. She had seen him there and he had been so real and she knew he was dead but still. She had seen him there. No one had been able to explain it to her and they hardly needed to.

She just needed to feel safe in her own home again. Because now, she would wake up in the middle of the night, terrified, and she didn’t even need to dream about the fire to jump out of bed and check every square inch of the apartment.

They had visited one other apartment and it had been perfect, aside from the fact that it had been on the sixth floor and May had looked out of one window, to the ground below, and had thrown up in the ensuite bathroom.

She both wanted and didn’t want Daisy to stay at their new apartment, even though she knew Daisy would still stay with her even if May told her she couldn’t guarantee her safety. (Daisy would roll her eyes at this and just hug her.)

“Well, there’s certainly a lot to unpack there,” her therapist had started. Great way to start a first appointment, but May knew she needed a direct approach. She had never been one for beating around the bush, either. “Where do you want to start?”

Amy tapped May’s arm with her left hand and May looked down.

“Mama down.”

May smiled and straightened her daughter’s clothing before putting her on the ground. Just as Amy started to walk off, May started to panic, no, Amy couldn’t be out of her sight, what if something happened to her and May wouldn’t be there to save her? She reached out for Amy but her therapist put her hand on May’s arm and pushed a little.

“Maybe we should start there.”

It felt good to talk about her feelings. She wasn’t the strong and near invincible Melinda May that she had been years ago, but she knew she wasn’t weak. She’d had her mental wounds and they had gradually been festering inside of her, getting infected or ripped open again, and she hadn’t given them much attention before. That was the life of a SHIELD specialist, in a way - never let your emotions keep you from doing what needs to be done. And for her, in order to follow orders, she needed to turn off her feelings. She had stopped feeling after that, for the better part.

Amy actually stepped out of view at one point and May’s heart accelerated significantly.

“What do you feel when Amelia disappears like that?”

“Like I’ll lose her. I can’t lose her, too.”

“Who did you lose?”

Amy stepped around the corner again holding a pink, glittery toy horse and handing it over to May. “Dada!”

It was clear to May that Amy had no idea what ‘Dada’ was, but May kept talking about Phil in Amy’s presence and the girl had picked up the word and was simply testing out May's reactions, to add some context. It didn't matter to Amy if it hurt May every single time.

“Yes,” May whispered, brushing her daughter’s cheeks. 

“Excuse me?”

“I lost her father.”   
This therapist was different than her previous one. That one had simply heard her story and had given her ways to deal with traumas in the future. This therapist made her consciously visit all of the traumas, talk about them, discuss why they were impacting her the way they were. It proved to be much more effective.

“I’ll prescribe you some sleeping pills, nothing too strong, just enough to give you some rest.”

“I need to be focused though, so I probably won’t take them.”

The therapist, Sarah, simply smiled and shook May’s hand.

“We’ll work on that next session. Pleasure to meet you, Melinda. And you, Amelia.”

Amy’s head raised at the mention of her name and she threw her hands into the air. She stood, waggled over to May and let herself fall into her arms. She had no real trouble with walking now, but Amy apparently loved doing this. In any case, Amy still trusted May enough to catch her like that.

They returned home almost immediately after because despite the fact that it felt good to talk about her traumas, she was still rendered exhausted. She just wanted to crash onto the couch but she knew Amy still had energy for the rest of the day. Perhaps she could convince her to take a nap with her…

She opened the front door and instantly reached to her hip for a gun that wasn’t there. Which was weird in itself because she rarely needed a gun and she doubted that she needed one now. Her heart was hammering in her chest, however - there were people in her apartment, she could tell. The lock hadn’t been forced so maybe they had come through the window? But she didn’t have anything valuable to steal, then again, robbers didn’t know that.

“Oh, hey May,” Jemma said casually, smiling at her as May entered with Amy on her hip.

What was going on here? Had she forgotten that she would meet up with them? But she knew, she might be crazy, but she rarely forgot anything. (That’s probably why she was in therapy in the first place.)

“How did it go?” Daisy asked, taking Amy from her and hugging her close.

“It went, uh… what’s going on here?”

“Oh, did I forget to mention? Sorry, so forgetful!” No kidding. “The guys wanted to help out with the remodeling, I hope that’s not a problem? We’re gonna order pizzas afterwards.”

May looked at Daisy cuddling with Amy, at Jemma who was getting herself some water, and Mack, Yo-Yo and Fitz, who looked exhausted with paint all over their faces. 

She’d asked every single one of them to watch Amy because she’d had a therapy session, and they had all claimed they had been busy. 

What had they done? She had intended to paint Amy’s nursery herself! She had all of these ideas in her head and she knew the final result would hardly be good but it was the thought that counted, and at least she could say she had done it herself. How many couples with infant children could say that their friends had done the paint job-

She rushed into the nursery, they better not have done anything with Amy’s crib, she didn’t want to have to buy a third one-

She stopped dead in her tracks. Whatever she had expected, this had not been it.

She actually re-entered the room. This was the same room, wasn’t it? It was still as small as she had left it this morning, but it didn’t feel like it. The crib was still there, but the bedding was different, blue and white diagonal stripes. It wasn’t the newborn crib with white and pink lace that she had initially bought for Amy, but which she’d had to…

The ground was now laminate, dark but beautiful wood, and it was contrasted perfectly by the white walls. Above the crib, on the wall, a beautiful cherry blossom tree spread out from right to left, the details incredible - in between the leaves, she could see ‘Amelia’ painted.

Beside the crib, a white wooden changing table stood, which she didn’t recognize. It had a comfy looking mat on top, matching the bedding in the crib. Below it, multiple shelves, already storing diapers, lotion, and even a stuffed panda bear. Oh my god. A panda bear. Way to show off Amy’s Chinese heritage.

And opposite the crib, there was actually a rocking chair. A brown, wooden rocking chair, a nice, fluffy throw on the armrest.

“It’s a small room, alright,” Mack said. May was honestly still too much in shock to look at any one of them, but she knew they were standing close, looking at her taking in the room. “But we managed to get some more furniture in there, after Fitz redesigned the whole thing on his computer.”

“Yeah, I created a blueprint of the room and started playing with it. See, with the right furniture you can fit an awful lot in this small space-”

May interrupted him by wrapping her arms around him tightly, and everybody was silent for a long time, while she hugged him. She wondered why they suddenly looked so terrified. Alright, so she didn’t hug them often… she hadn’t hugged them, ever, any of them, except for Daisy. What had happened to her? She had always managed to maintain such a good, professional distance. But these people were no longer her co-workers, she had quit her job after she had buried Phil, so what were they now?

Her friends. Her friends and her family. She could be close to them, if she wanted to.

And anyway, after she’d had Amy, the old Melinda May had just… left. Amy seemed to like the new May, so did Daisy. Perhaps there was no shame in the new her?

Then, as awkwardly as Leopold Fitz had always been, he patted her back. She pulled away.

“Thank you. All of you. It’s… it’s beautiful.”

Daisy walked in with Amy in one arm, pulled on May’s arm with the other, and before she knew it, May was sitting in the rocking chair with Amy in her arms.

“It’s not finished yet, but we’ll have time,” Mack explained. Somehow, he had proven his teddy bear appeal, because she really wanted to hug him right then and there. Same as everybody else. 

“Not finished?”

“Yeah, you need curtains and a closet but we got the essentials in,” Fitz explained from the doorway, his cheeks still red. Jemma was standing behind him with a grin on her face. 

“Oh! We forgot the most important thing!” Yo-Yo exclaimed, making baby Amy look up at her aunt, slightly startled. May just patted the girl’s back and she settled back down. Amy might be getting bigger and bigger but she still loved to cuddle with her Mommy. Yo-Yo disappeared out of view and everybody was silent for a while. They looked almost anxious, and May was slightly worried what they had gotten her. As though this gorgeous nursery wasn’t enough already.

Yo-Yo appeared with a box, the outside blank. May was getting anxious now herself. It must be important if it caused all of them to fall silent. Maybe it was the bill for their hard labor - she would pay all of their expenses.

“We got you and Amy this, and, uh…” Yo-Yo started, looking at the others for support, “we still got the receipt, just so you know.”

“Just give it,” Jemma pressed out, fumbling with her own hands herself. Yo-Yo nodded and stepped forward, handing May the box. She frowned at it and opened the lid, feeling Amy scoot in her arms to have a better look. She reached into the box, felt something soft touch her hand, and pulled it out in one go.

There, right in front of her, was Phil’s face, that handsome, gorgeous smile she had fallen in love with so much, and her heart had stopped beating for a moment. Phil. Oh Phil. Why was his face suddenly here, on this piece of fabric, smiling at her?

“We had to search for a long time to get a full body picture,” Daisy explained, a tremor in her voice. “It’s an old one, to be honest. But, we thought you might like it.”

May looked at them, all of their faces, and the longer she took with responding, the more their faces sank. Daisy had actually grabbed the box and was searching inside, muttering something about ‘that damn receipt’.

May looked at the thing again. Upon closer inspection, it was a cross between a doll and a pillow, probably as long as her forearm. His picture was covering the whole front, the background white. She remembered this picture - it had been taken for a press conference discussing the Avengers Initiative, and he had still been that adorable dork, with his suits that had probably been a size too big, his jacket always closed, his face clean-shaven and his hair slightly longer than her recent memories. By the books, stringent Phil Coulson. She had actually done his tie that particular day. She had watched the conference at home, with Andrew saying everything she had been thinking but wouldn’t say (mainly that Phil’s jacket had been too big). If only she had told him he should stop with the Initiative, he wouldn’t have been in New York that fateful day.

The back of the doll had the Captain America sign on it, also spread out from top to bottom, even if it meant the sides of the circle had been cut off. Phil would have been so pissed, you don’t touch the Captain America shield. 

Amy had reached out to touch the doll, her tiny hands itching to hold it. She looked at the picture on the front, her expression slightly blank, then looked at May. While pointing at Phil’s face, Amy said, “Daddy?”

“Oh my god,” Daisy said, after she had gasped audibly. May just looked at Amy, trying to figure out whether this was just her bluffing, and it probably was. But Amy had been trying to find a proper context for the word ‘Daddy’, unable to find one. She could identify a cow and a pig and a TV and her Mommy and big sister Daisy, but the word Daddy was probably floating around in her head without a picture matching up with it. It was quite a wonder that she even knew the word Daddy, but then May was the one to blame for that. She often couldn’t stop talking about Phil, she just couldn’t. 

Perhaps Amy could feel how loved Phil had been by all of them, especially May and Daisy. Perhaps that was the reason why Amy had been trying to find her Daddy.

“Yes, baby girl, that’s your Daddy.”

“Daddy.” Amy smiled, looked at the doll, then hugged it close, and it brought out tears in May, but these weren’t sad tears. (Maybe a bit.) Amy would never meet her father, but she would at least have this doll to carry with her, to remind her that she had a father who had loved her and her mother and sister so much, and that it was okay to love him, too. 

“I’ll, uh, order some pizzas,” Mack said, coughing, and it reminded May of the fact that the team was here, too. The others nodded and coughed, similarly to Mack, and left one by one. Daisy had put the box on the changing table and was leaning against it, swallowing rapidly, probably to get rid of the lump in her throat.

“It’s a Daddy doll, they use it mainly for kids whose parent is deployed overseas. I, uh… I thought it might be nice for Amy to have, uh, something of her father to hold on to.” 

May nodded and brushed her tears off her cheeks. Amy was still laying against May’s chest with her new Daddy doll tucked in tightly against her own chest. 

“It’s really nice,” May whispered, nodding. Beyond nice - this was perfect. What was Amy gonna do with her father’s car or the few shirts May still had of him? This doll was the perfect thing.

“They also sell life-sized pillows, and a lot more, if you’re interested. Oh, uhm… I thought it might be time for this.” She opened a drawer underneath the crib and handed May what felt like a picture frame. She turned it around and saw his face again.

Every time she saw him now, there was a warmth inside her heart, love, admiration, but it was clouded by her anger - anger at him, that he hadn't fought, that he had made this decision on his own; anger at the universe that she could never have a break, that she always had to fight for her happiness.

But it was her favorite picture of him. In his personal time, a light blue shirt emphasizing his beautiful eyes. He had a calm and kind smile on his lips.

“Daisy, I, uh, want to thank you, for the room. I was having a hard day, and… this really cheered me up.”

“Well, good. That was the point. Oh, and you don’t have to worry about the costs, we are paying for everything. Think of it as a sympathy gift, for everything you’ve been through.”

A sympathy gift. Right.

“Any preference in pizza flavors?” Yo-Yo yelled from across the apartment. “We’re ordering now!”

“Flavor? It’s pizza taste,” Fitz argued.

“Whatever, stupid English. I’m ordering Pizza Hawaii!”

Daisy actually jumped up in mock anger and May chuckled.

Now, she was all alone with Amy, who was humming, quite badly, some nursery song she had heard on the TV.   
“Daddy,” she said again, happily, looking up at May.

“I love you, baby girl. And Daddy loves you, too. He so wished to be here with you, but… and I know this doll isn’t the same as the real thing, but it’s all we two will get.”

Amy wiggled happily in May’s arms.

She wished her daughter could get more than just a Daddy doll. She wished she could see Phil in this rocking chair with their girl in his arms, singing songs to her, cuddling her close, whispering to her how much he loved her and how beautiful she was. 

“Ten minutes for the pizzas!”

“Well, we’d better get you some pizza, baby girl. Your Daddy loved pizza.”

She put the picture frame on the little table in the living room, overlooking the entire space. She would buy him fresh flowers tomorrow.

Amy didn’t let go of her Daddy doll until she was fast asleep in her crib that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meet Sarah! She's a recurring character from this point on! (Also, if you wanted the rest of the team to feature in this story more... you're out of luck, I'm sorry. I created this entire storyline already in Mama May and now just wanted to focus on May, Daisy and Amelia. Maybe next time!)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the first sneak peek for S7 dropped and I thought this was the perfect time to be dropping this chapter, so people are too occupied with the sneak peek to be paying attention to this chapter. Because I swear, this is one of the worst chapters imo of this entire story, but once it's written, it stays in. Couldn't find anything to replace it, so... here you go!  
> Also, I'm still doing well despite this entire crisis! Considering I work in aviation, my April has been spent mostly at home because almost all of my shifts have been cancelled, and you would think that would leave me more time to finish this story (it's still not finished... I have a lot finished but it's still going on all the way in the back) but nah man, I've been playing Animal Crossing New Horizons for about 200 hours so you know where my priorities are... apparently.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Melinda, if that’s alright with you.”

May just looked at Sarah and raised her cup of tea to her lips. It was still too hot, but it gave her a way to cover the nasty twitch in her face as she listened to Sarah talk.

Sarah was a nice kid, alright. She knew what she was talking about and she didn’t like to sugarcoat things. She always told May what she was thinking, and it was good. But it just felt like May wasn’t making any progress and they had already spent six sessions together. So far, she had only talked about Amy, but she wasn’t there for Amy. If she wanted to talk about Amy, she could just spend the day with Daisy. 

“That’s what I pay you to do.”

The corners of Sarah’s lips moved up just the slightest bit.

“Melinda, you got my help because you wanted to get over your trauma after the fire. But I think, in my honest opinion, that the reason for all your traumas is Phil.”

Well, that wasn’t a surprise. Phil had always been the reason for everything in her life - if it weren’t for him, she probably would have left SHIELD the first year. If it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t be a mother right now. If it weren’t for him, she’d be dead.

“I believe you’re experiencing what we call ‘complicated grief’. Normal grief fades away after a few months, if not sooner. But the prolonged grief, that can last for years without treatment. It’s an endless circle that I think we need to discontinue. I believe it was wrong of your previous therapist to say you would get over it eventually.  _ She  _ wasn’t wrong, but you need a little help. That’s why I’m advising you to look into exposure therapy. I know it will sound counterintuitive. You will have to talk about your traumas, all of them. But at this point, I believe it might be the only way to get you back on your feet.”

The idea of having to face his death all over again terrified her to no end, but when she came home and she saw Amy and Daisy cuddling on the couch, the doll with Phil’s face between them, she nearly threw up at the kitchen counter.

This had to stop. These two girls needed her, one perhaps more than the other. She couldn’t keep living in the past. Phil was gone, she knew that. She should stop fearing his death, she should stop torturing herself, and get a move on. 

So a few days later she was sitting across Sarah, no tea to hide behind this time. (She had requested for Sarah to continue to be her therapist, because she felt safe with her and Sarah seemed to know exactly what she was doing.)

“I want you to talk about his death. From the start, don’t leave anything out.”

May looked down at her hands, which were shaking. She thought about Amy, hopefully enjoying her time with her big sister. Amy deserved a mother who was happy, who wasn’t afraid of death, or fire, or anything that had hurt her in the past two years. Amy deserved to be protected fully and loved fully, because she only had May as a parent and it had to be enough. It had to be worth it.

“We were on Tahiti together, it was his idea. We knew that he was dying, it wasn’t such a shock. He had been killed a few years prior, actually, and they had managed to bring him back to life using alien blood.” She waved her hand dismissively when she saw Sarah frown at that. That story was way too long, so she probably shouldn’t dive into that. But then she remembered Sarah’s words.  _ Don’t leave anything out. _ Alright. “He had been stabbed through his back with an alien knife, that’s the story I got. Pierced his heart and lungs. When I heard the news I was back at home with my husband and I thought I might die. I… I already knew how much Phil meant to me back then, but we were both in a relationship and it was just never the right time and I hated myself for never having told him how I felt. And then he was dead, and I just… shattered into a million tiny pieces. Then, months later, the Director of our organization came by me personally, told me I needed to form a team and I would be joining Phil again. He said it so casually, I didn’t know what he meant! And then Phil picked me up from that cubicle I was working in and I have never been so happy to see anyone, ever, I had been certain he was dead and then there he was, alive and smiling and I just… fell in love with him completely. Didn’t stop after that. A lot of things happened, our plane was destroyed and friends turned into villains and it was a confusing time. Then, the alien blood that they had used to revive him made him crazy, he started carving a map of an alien city into the walls and I was so afraid I would lose him again. But that all turned out okay in the end, for some reason. We met this scientist called Holden Radcliffe and he had created this computer simulation that you could put yourself into and it could possibly build the perfect world, all tailored to your own personal wishes. I…” She swallowed and looked away. She could really use some water now. She had never talked this much, ever. It felt both extremely odd and very good. “I had to kill a little girl, ages ago. She was an Inhuman but she didn’t know her own strength and it was either her or my entire team, and it hurt so much but I had to kill her. It destroyed me, really. Never was the same again.” She looked at Sarah again. “Anyway, in this simulation, I hadn’t killed her, and it felt really good to have done the right thing. But I learned that sometimes, bad things happen for a reason, because she went on to kill hundreds of people at once and I was the one who had done that, indirectly. That, uh… it helped, with that particular trauma. We all got trapped inside that dimension and we almost died but Phil got me out of there. Later we found out that Radcliffe’s robot, he had built a robot who looked very real, had turned insane and got extremely powerful and the only way to defeat her was by the Ghost Rider to possess Phil and kill her through him. It looked cool, at first. I was relieved that we had finally gotten rid of Aida. But I could tell something was wrong with Phil but I didn’t push it, too happy that we were safe. And then we were zapped into a future that was caused by my eldest daughter quaking the world apart and I nearly died in a battle against an alien. I know… uh, there was something off about Phil, still. He wouldn’t meet my eye, and he would force a smile when anybody said something funny. We got back somehow, and I was certain that was the end of it, but then Phil fainted out of nowhere and we found out that whatever that alien blood that had been pumped into his body had been holding together, it was failing now. He was dying. And he already knew.” She took a deep breath to control herself. Maybe she really was getting somewhere now. “That had been the deal he had made with Ghost Rider. Stop Aida, but die in the process. I was so angry, I wanted to hit him, kick him, dammit I hated him so much. He had made the decision to die without consulting me, and I had always consulted him on anything major in my life. For God’s sake, he had helped me pick out a wedding dress when I was marrying another man! And he hadn’t told me that he was dying. We could have had so much more time together, him and I, if he had just been honest with me. Anyway… we, the team that is, fought for many hours because we actually got the choice to save Phil or save the rest of the world. Phil made his choice very clear, but so did Daisy and I. I feel like we were the only ones fighting to save Phil. But in the end, it didn’t really matter, because Phil tricked us somehow and we lost the chance to save him. We managed to prevent the future we had seen from happening, Daisy had blasted the bad guy into space, and Phil decided that for once in his life, he would do something for him and not keep everything to himself. His memories had been altered when they had brought him back from the dead, otherwise he would have been driven insane. It was called the TAHITI project, but instead they had twisted the memory to make it look like he had spent his months in recovery on Tahiti. He decided that he should see the real thing, live out the rest of his days on his terms. He, uh… begged me to come with him. Told me that he wasn’t complete without me by his side. I agreed. We spent a while talking about our feelings, then… we, uh… we made love, and he was the first one to find out that I was pregnant, I didn’t even know. By that time, he barely had enough strength in him to go to the toilet. I spent long nights trying to convince him to find a cure for this, surely there must be something to save him. But he didn’t want to. He had already been given a second chance, and asking for a third was just pushing it. Besides, he was happy enough. He had me by his side, knowing that I was pregnant, knowing that he would leave me behind as his wife, with a kid. It made him so happy. And then one day, he just wouldn’t wake up anymore. He was just gone. He had been in my life for over three decades, and suddenly, he was no longer there. I just… I still can’t picture myself without him. We had been May and Coulson for seemingly forever, and now I was just May. No Coulson.”   
She fell quiet and Sarah didn’t say anything either. May hadn’t noticed, but a bottle of water had appeared on the little table beside her. She took a grateful sip, before downing the entire bottle.

“I was so angry at him, all the time, even after he was gone. I’m still angry. We could have had a great life together, him, our kid and me. But instead, he chose to be noble, and I hate him for that.”

“You hate him for trying to be a hero?” Sarah asked, the first thing she had said since May had started her rant. May nodded. “You think he had it in him to be selfish? To choose for you two instead of the rest of the world?”

“No.”

It was true. She hated his guts for his choices but she knew it was him, through and through. He had always been a hero, always fought for the right cause. He had sacrificed more for the greater good than any of the Avengers combined. And yet, they had needed his death to finally come together.

“You hate him, Melinda?”

She shook her head, tears in her eyes. “How can I hate him? I love him so fucking much.”

Sarah nodded and leaned back in her chair, writing down some things in her little notebook.

Oddly enough, it felt good to let go of all these emotions. She knew she loved him, that was no secret. It hadn’t been a secret for probably a decade now. But she knew she also still hated him, harbored so much anger inside her heart that it had tainted even the good moments they had had together. He had chosen for the rest of the world, instead of himself. And she had always hated him for doing that. Yet in retrospect, it had been the right thing to do. Who was he, compared to seven billion people who were mostly living their life in peace? To her, he was everything, but to the rest of the world, he was just one person.

She could never forgive herself if they hadn’t saved the world that day. Even if it meant that it had set his death in stone. 

More anger came out, and she got the feeling that Sarah was ready to hear all of it.

“Yeah, I hate him, he never should have gone to New York in the first place, that was the start of it all! He was fighting alongside gods and master assassins and he was just a dork in a much too big suit with a man crush on Captain America. I should have kept him home. I should have told him I loved him back then, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so stupid and try to be the hero all the goddamn time. But it’s mostly my fault that he died in New York, I didn’t stop him, and he had given me ample opportunity to stop him.”

“You think you could have prevented it, Melinda?”

May took in a deep breath and exhaled just as deeply. “No.”

“Melinda, I think you need to stop blaming yourself for the choices other people make. Sure, some of their choices impact us, like others sitting down on the last empty seat of the bus, but you cannot then take sole responsibility if the child next to them throws up.” That was an oddly specific example and May frowned at Sarah. Sarah just waved, like May had done before, dismissively. 

“Phil made the decision to go to New York and fight for his good cause. That was his decision alone, not yours. The horrible result was only to blame on him - and perhaps the alien who stabbed him. I got to admit, though, you’re certainly my first patient with such an eventful history.”

That made May smile briefly, but Sarah’s previous words stuck with her.

Perhaps she was right. May could have stopped Phil from going, but his presence in New York was only to blame on himself. He had made that decision, and she was not responsible for the result. And when Phil had to make the decision to fight Aida with or without the Ghost Rider’s help, he had made the conscious decision to accept Ghost Rider’s help, knowing what the consequences would be. He had known he would die eventually when he had made that choice. That was him alone.

“I don’t want you to hate Phil, let me be clear on that. But it’s good to see the truth for what it is - Phil liked to be a hero, knowing it would kill him, knowing what the consequences were. I doubt anything you said would have changed that, but we’ll never know.”

They were silent for a while and May felt her breathing was more relaxed than it had been at the start of this session. It was impossible to have cured all of her mental issues in just twenty minutes, right? 

“Now, I want you to focus on the good times you had with Phil. You don’t have to say them aloud, if you don’t want to. But you loved him, and you know why. Just close your eyes and think of those happy moments.”

May leaned back and closed her eyes and did exactly what Sarah had told her. She saw Phil in front of her, smiling, having teased her about her choice of men. (How ironic it seemed that he had been included in that eventually.) The two of them watching movies whenever they didn’t have a mission to go on but were required to be on Base - she had looked at his lips often, the urge to kiss him big, but she had never had the balls to do it. She remembered now his many, many compliments, and wondered how she hadn’t been able to decipher that he had been in love with her, too, all those years. She saw him smile, a lot, he was always cheery around her, despite hearing the opposite from her peers, and later the team. He was serious with everybody else but he couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her, and the idea caused butterflies to dance in her stomach. She remembered their first kiss, their first  _ real _ kiss, his shield employed and his free arm around her tightly, like he was afraid she would run away otherwise. Daisy had said it was definitely a superhero kiss, and it had made May smile and roll her eyes - he had probably seen it in one of his beloved comics, but she knew this save had been purely instinct. He had always wanted to protect her, no matter what. She remembered the first time they had made love - she had expected it to be awkward, after having been friends for years, but it came so naturally, and despite his worsening state, he had made her feel so good. He was so good with his fingers... She remembered the nights spent whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears, like teenagers, but it had felt so normal, so perfect, she hadn’t really wanted it any other way. She remembered seeing Amy on that first ultrasound, and the happy sound he had made at the sight of her. She remembered feeling so grateful that she could be the one to make him a father, that it was his baby inside her womb, her own little superhero. She remembered his lovely kisses against her belly.

She opened her eyes and saw Sarah was still looking at her. May felt the smile on her lips and it only made her smile even brighter.

“Now, every time you feel yourself getting angry at him, at the universe, or sad because of his death, I want you to think of those moments, those happy moments. I hope you will find that slowly, you will realize that while yes, he is dead, and he won’t be coming back, you had a lot of amazing moments together and you can cherish that, instead. There’s no need for anger or spite.”

May needed some time to calm down from this session, and Sarah could tell. She just pulled out another bottle of water, brushed the top of May’s hand soothingly, and left the room.

No more anger. So he was dead. It happened to the best of people, which he had, in fact, been. But he had made her a better person just by knowing him, having his shoulder to lean on and his smiles to brighten her day. Having the anger fester inside her only tainted the good moments they had had, and she wouldn’t want to lose those precious moments.

She went home a little later with a smile on her face. The world looked different now, there was more color, the buzz of people and cars wasn’t annoying her, and she could swear she could smell freshly mowed grass. It was a different world without Phil Coulson, but the world still kept turning, and that had been partly because of him. 

If anything, she should be thanking him for his heroic actions. Thanks to him, she had this world to live in, to have Amy grow up in. 

Amy. Maybe Amy and Phil had never been destined to live side by side. Perhaps the only way for Amy to live was for Phil to sacrifice himself. He had freed up a spot on this earth so that Amelia could live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm well aware May is incredibly OOC in this chapter, but like I said, I wrote it but then couldn't really remove it anymore so you'll just have to accept it, I guess? Thanks if you do. I wouldn't blame you if you stopped reading this story altogether after this. You do you!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Kingsday y'all! And what a sad birthday this must be for our king. (That The Office quote has been stuck in my head the entire day. You know the one. 'Happy birthday, King Willem. Sorry your party's so lame.') To celebrate, you get to read the new chapter! Yay you!

Sarah had helped her let go of things. May hadn't really gone out of the house without Amy since the birth, the only exceptions being her few dates with David and her therapy sessions. (As a side thought, May wondered when her daughter had turned from Amelia into Amy, only using her full name when May needed to be strict with her. It probably had something to do with Daisy, who had been calling the little girl Amy for a while now.)

Sarah thought it was a good idea to bring Amy to a daycare one day. May had claimed that wasn't necessary, she would just get Daisy to watch her. 

“That's the point, Melinda. You have trouble letting Amy go. You know she'll be fine in a daycare. It's just for an afternoon.”

“But what if something happens?”

“Then there is trained staff who will take care of her. But nothing is going to happen.”

The preparation was fun enough, buying a cute Frozen bag, stuffing it with diapers and a spare pacifier. But she couldn't drag herself out of bed that day. 

May stood in front of the big doors of the daycare, countless kids drawings covering the windows. Amy seemed excited for some reason, wiggling happily in May's arms. May looked to her side for Daisy's support but only realized upon finding the space empty that Daisy had gone to an intake interview at her possible future College.

If Daisy had been there, May would already be gone. May took in a deep breath and walked into the daycare, and was instantly met by countless little kids playing with Lego and playing house and altogether enjoying themselves.

Amy saw, too. She hadn't really played with kids her age, ever, because May had always looked after her and hadn't taken her to playgrounds or anything. Amy clapped her hands and let out an excited laugh.

“Mama! Mama ‘ay!”

“Yes, baby girl, you can go play,” May whispered in Amy's ear. “Just give Mommy a moment.”

A young woman approached her with a kind smile. “You must be Mrs. Coulson.”

May nodded and they shook hands.

“And then this is little Amelia. Hello, little one.”

The woman reached for Amy but May turned her away. Her heart was racing uncomfortably in her chest. Maybe Sarah was wrong. Maybe she wasn't ready for this.

“I understand it might be difficult,” the woman started, having noticed May's reluctance, “but every single member of staff is well-trained and knows exactly what to do. And Amelia will be fine, she won't even notice you're gone.”

Well, that wasn't exactly reassuring! But the woman reached out for Amy again and May didn't fight her.

So there she was, her baby girl, in the arms of a stranger, barely even bothered by the whole situation. 

“Mrs. Coulson, you can always call to check up on Amelia. And please, let us know when you'll be picking her up, we'll make sure to have her ready!”

The woman walked away and May's hands scrunched up the fabric of her shirt. Deep breaths. You can do this, Melinda May. 

But, her baby! She couldn't leave her baby behind! 

May saw Amy looking at her over the woman's shoulder. Amy was such a champ, even if May doubted Amy knew what was really happening. Amy smiled at her and waved her tiny hands and May even heard her say, “bye bye Mama!”

May felt tears in her eyes and rushed out of the daycare. She couldn't break down in public. She fumbled with her car keys and was hardly sitting in the driver's seat before she let her sobs control her.

She was terrified. She had always been with Amy, or else Daisy was with her. She had always been able to watch her baby girl, to make sure she was fed and bathed and safe. But to hand her over to these strangers, who of course were well-trained, felt like a step too far, too soon. But Sarah was right. She needed to be able to let go of Amy. She wouldn't lose her just because she had left her at the daycare. 

She had dialed Daisy's number before she realized it, and Daisy picked up on the second ring.

“Mel? Is everything alright?”

May's response was mostly sobs.

“I dropped… her off… at the… daycare.”

“Well, that's good! Good job, Mel.”

“I can't… leave her!”

“Sure you can. Look, just take a few moments to breathe properly. Think about those breathing exercises Sarah gave you. And if it really is too much, you can always ask to observe Amy, I'm sure it'll do you good to see her enjoy herself.”

Her baby girl was enjoying herself, while May was in the parking lot ugly sobbing about leaving her daughter at a daycare.

What had happened to the Cavalry? She had never wanted to be called that but she sure had been much stronger then. 

“Don't beat yourself up, Mel. It's normal to feel scared, and sad.” They were quiet for a while. “You want me to come over?”

“No!” It was tempting, but Daisy had important things to do. “No, I'll, uh… I'll be fine.”

“Good. I'll see you tonight. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

May stared out of her car for a long time, seeing parents come and go. One other woman had walked out of the daycare in tears, but she had a man support her.

Dammit.

May wiped her tears away, got out of the car and walked over to the doors, barely able to see through the cracks the drawings left. She could see Amy play with one of the daycare teachers, another kid joining their little game. All three of them were laughing and obviously having a good time.

Alright. Perhaps May needed to let go of things more often. Amy was in good hands, she would have some fun, and May had the afternoon all to herself. 

What was she gonna do with herself, honestly?

She got home and got saddened by the silence there. There was no TV playing kids programs, no little baby singing along to the songs, no Daisy who was calling her friends or playing with her baby sister.

What  _ did _ moms do when their offspring was at school?

She had started cleaning, but then realized she could do all that with Amy present. There was one thing, however, that she could rarely do. She smiled faintly and put a toy back in its box, then almost ran to her bed and crashed down on top.

Sleep. She hadn't been able to sleep properly since Amy had been born. Despite a small, dull ache in her heart telling her she shouldn't be this selfish, she already felt herself falling asleep.

She awoke later, no idea what time it was, or even if it was still the same day. She heard voices from the kitchen and sighed, mostly happy. Upon entering the kitchen, she saw Amy and Daisy at the kitchen table, Daisy's back turned to May. Amy saw her mother immediately and exclaimed her happiness.

Daisy whipped around.

“Hey! The daycare called me wondering when you would be picking her up. When I called you, you wouldn't pick up the phone. So I figured you were asleep.” Daisy smiled at her, then stood and gave May a big hug. “I'm so proud of you.”

“I cried like an idiot.”

“True. But you still left. You knew she would be in good hands. I'm still proud of you.”

May gave in to Amy's happy squeaks and held her in her arms. She felt relief wash over her, she didn't know she had been waiting for that to happen, really.

“She had a good time, apparently. She almost broke a toy.”

“That's good?” May frowned. Daisy chuckled.

“It was one of those shape thingies. Apparently, she's stubborn.”

Well, she was definitely her parents’ child.

~...~

“I have a question for you, actually,” May started her and Sarah’s next session. Admittedly, she was getting more used to her therapist, at first slightly held back in her responses. She didn't want Sarah to know too much.

Yet she knew now that Sarah was trustworthy. She had never judged May.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“I was just wondering… whether Amelia will be impacted by the... fire.”

Sarah was silent for a long time. May wasn't sure if she liked that silence.

“It really depends on a lot of variables. Has she seen the fire? Has she gotten injured as a result of the fire? Undoubtedly, she has some account of it.” Sarah lowered her notebook and looked May directly in the eye. “Why do you ask me this, Melinda?”

May shrugged and sipped her tea, only to pull it back almost immediately. Man, Sarah sure had a knack for serving piping hot tea. And May had little patience with regards to said drink.

“I just… she saw the fire. She was thrown out of a window, four floors, by her mother. But so far, she hasn't been afraid of me whatsoever. Even Daisy seems more impacted by the whole thing, and she wasn't even there for most of it.”

“Well, that's normal. She saved you, didn't she?”

“But how is it possible for Amy not to be bothered by it?”

“I think it's too quick to say whether or not she's bothered by it at all. Many babies and toddlers who have gone through something traumatic don't let it manifest until much later on. Babies and toddlers are very sensitive to changes within the family, when their routine has been turned upside down. But I think Amy has had one thing that differentiates her from the rest.”

“What's that?”

“You. Despite your own traumas, you kept up a routine. Sure, you changed apartments, even towns. But you have been her constant in these months. You didn't change, not in your behavior concerning her. And she has probably drawn a lot of strength from that.”

“Me?” She had trouble believing that her, the woman who was still grieving her husband's death, who was traumatised by the fire she had been in, who had altogether only a quarter of the strength she used to have, was enough to keep little Amelia from being badly traumatised. 

“Yes, Melinda. You don't give yourself enough credit. Despite everything that happened to you, you remained strong.”

Strong. She was strong? Was she, though? 

Sarah seemed to think she was, and so did Daisy. Her strength might be the only reason Amy was the way she was. 

“But it raises something that I wanted to discuss with you anyway. I wanted to talk with you about the fire.”

The fire. God. Why was her breath still hitching whenever she thought of that? Oh, right. That's why she was here.

“Are you ready to talk about it, Melinda?”

She wasn't really, she doubted she ever would. As opposed to losing Phil, which had only left internal scars, the fire had physically injured her. She'd had burns on her shoulders and arms and while they had mostly healed by now, it would never look the same way again. And looking at the scars made her want to cry, she was brought back to that night every time. She hadn't stopped wearing long-sleeved shirts since she had been allowed to cover the skin up.

“Uh…”

“No pressure. We can discuss it next session, maybe.”

“No, I'm, uh… I'm ready.”

So she talked about the fire. Waking up to find smoke in her apartment, her baby crying in her crib. Fearing for a moment that she had already been too late, and that she was listening to her baby girl being burned alive. She had gotten back to that moment a lot, in her dreams. The outcome there hadn't been as positive as the reality. She remembered realizing that the only way to save Amy was by throwing her out of a window, knowing they were four stories up and she might be seriously injured. She remembered hearing the fire spread around her, sirens in the background. She had never been afraid of death - she didn't have anything to lose. But since she and Phil had gotten together, since finding out she was pregnant, she didn't want to die anymore, not if she could help it. She didn't want Amy to grow up as an orphan, even if Daisy would have taken great care of her. 

And then she remembered Phil, the warmth that had spread through her at the realization that she would be with him soon.

“I actually died,” May explained, looking at her lap. She hadn't told anybody what had happened that night, not the full report. Nobody knew that she had seen Phil, much less had hugged and kissed him. “I saw Phil. I… I don't know where we were. I don't know how it's possible. I'm not a religious person at all, I've never thought about life after death. I know Phil has… maybe it was just my imagination, but he felt so real, solid. Like he was really there. And I knew that Daisy and Amy would be wanting me to come back, but in his arms… I just couldn't. I didn't want to leave. I was willing to stay with him, even though I knew it would orphan my daughters.”

She was silent for a long time after, gathering her thoughts. 

“I feel guilty about that, you know? I should be there for them, but instead I just… gave up.”

Sarah wrote some things down and May sat back in her chair. Sarah was a professional, she would never say what she thought, and when she did, it was only to aid May in her healing process. But May had found one tiny way in which Sarah showed the thoughts she would much rather keep to herself. She would refuse to meet May's eyes and write in her notebook.

Perhaps it wasn't negative. God knows it was always the first thought to enter May's head, but she'd had enough unfortunate events happen to her that the right to be a pessimist was exclusively reserved for her.

“Okay, let me just… break that down… you saw your dead husband.”

“You don't have to believe me. I know what I saw.”

“No, I believe you, Melinda. I'm just trying to figure out what triggered it.”

“I died.”   
Sarah actually rolled her eyes and looked up from her notebook.

“Melinda. Let’s be serious. You have been through a lot. Two of your husbands died, you lost a piece of your soul in Bahrain and you nearly died in a house fire. Maybe we can both agree you didn’t physically go to heaven, but it’s very likely that your mind was trying to find some peace, at last. From what I’ve learned so far about you, Phil was about the only one who could calm you down, give you that sense of peace.”

May nodded.

“Then, it is not surprising that you saw him in that moment of despair. I know you think that you were on the road to recovery at the time of the fire, but I beg to differ. I think you might have been close, but you were no closer to closure than you are today, perhaps even further away. Surely, your mind knew this,  _ you _ knew this. If heaven isn’t real, you must admit that seeing Phil was a good way to give you strength.”

May nodded again. She had had plenty nightmares following the fire, but just as it had all gotten too much, she had seen Phil’s face in all his glory, smiling at her, the way she had remembered from her little trip, the way she knew he had looked like in better times. She hadn’t wanted to go back to earth but she had felt her heart fill with love and hope and strength. It was part of the reason she was here today, talking about everything. It was most of the reason for releasing the leashes on Daisy and Amy a little, knowing that they would come back to her and that they were safe, even if she wasn’t there to monitor them.

Sarah stood, walked to one of the many bookshelves in the office, and returned, handing something to May.

“Nobody really knows what waits for us after death. But perhaps this might clear up some things for you.”

For Sarah, the conversation was obviously over, she wanted to focus on other things. May just looked at the thin booklet Sarah had handed her.

May wanted to believe that she had been to heaven, even if she had never believed in such a thing in all the years she had spent on this earth. But now that she knew what was waiting for her,  _ who _ was waiting for her, she couldn’t deny it anymore. Heaven might not be real, but it was real to her, because she had seen Phil Coulson in perfect health, telling her that he loved their children and her very much, and it was enough to keep her going.

“So, let’s talk about your guilt towards your daughters.”

She returned home later that afternoon with a heavy heart to find Daisy and Amy dancing in the kitchen to some pop song Daisy liked a lot. She stood in the doorway appreciating the view for a minute or two - Amy was a pro in walking now, hardly ever falling, and it meant the end of the peace and calm that May might have had while Amy could still be strapped into her pram without any escape routes. She might have to invest in a leash for Amy, because running after her 24/7 was not very helpful towards May’s recovery. 

But she loved that little girl so much. She loved seeing her grow up into this happy, loving, funny girl that was starting to tease her big sister and attempt to help her mother with basic cleaning.

And perhaps it was good that Amy, and Daisy in a lot of ways, distracted her from the pain inside her heart. May knew it wasn’t good to dwell on the past, on what was hurting her and what was blackening her heart, not if she had two beautiful daughters who made every single day better. It was very hard though, oftentimes, to look at the bright side of life. She had always had problems with that.

“Mama!” Amy exclaimed when she saw May and ran over to May, crashing into her leg before May had managed to lower herself. Amy fell back with her head against the table leg, and May froze for a moment, before Amy chuckled and stood again. “Mama! Me Daisy dance!”

“I could see that, baby girl! You’re getting better every day!”

Amy chuckled and kissed May’s cheek and before May could reach out to hug her, she was gone again, rushing off to dance along to the music. Daisy waved briefly at May before continuing playtime with her baby sister.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, strap in friendos, because this is where it gets rough. Without spoiling anything, I would advise to read this chapter at your own risk. Please be safe!

Amelia was incredibly empathic, and May wondered often how that was possible. The girl was almost two now and had yet to experience all of the trials and tribulations that life had in store for her, but somehow, she always knew when her mother was feeling sad, or when Daisy needed some time alone, or when anybody needed a big bear hug.

May was supposed to have a meeting with Sarah now, but Sarah had cancelled it because of what she had called an ‘emergency patient’. Well, it didn't matter, really. May would get to spend some time with her daughter this way.

May’s therapy sessions were going well, although she wouldn’t really say she had had a breakthrough yet. Sarah had warned that that might never come, and that the main goal that they were working towards was getting her back on her feet and able to deal with the pain in her heart and the emptiness that she still felt, the hole where Phil should be. There were definitely some dark clouds looming over her, more on the horizon, still to come. But she was mostly confident that she would be able to deal with them, with Sarah's help.

Daisy had gone to a couple of sessions, too, some together with May, others separate. Daisy had claimed not to need one, and admittedly, she wasn’t as damaged as May had been, but she had still lost a father figure, somebody that she had always gone to for help and motivating words. And she had saved May out of a burning apartment, having seen the physical state that May had been in, and had also woken up from nightmares in the middle of the night, only to find comfort in May’s arms.

May liked the moments alone she got with her baby, especially if she knew that Daisy was fine and having a great time. Daisy had started her education at a local community college, and May had protested, claiming she could do way better than that, but it was enough for the young woman. She wanted an education, but she didn’t want to miss out on all of the happy family moments that she could have with her mother and sister. And in any case, she enjoyed going there, even if she had complained that most of her peers were basically just babies and that she’d had to secretly use her powers to shut some of them up. (Phil would have been part proud, part angry. He might have tried to discipline her, too. May would do no such thing - those stupid kids deserved it.) It was an altered course, fit for late students or those who had changed studies. It was a bit of a switch to have school start in March, but Daisy seemed happy, and that was all that mattered. 

Amy was babbling happily while laying against May’s chest, the two of them watching Sesame Street, Amy’s favorite program. May never paid any real attention to the TV - she adored watching Amy laugh and gasp and clap her still tiny hands at all of the events that happened on the screen.

“Count count!”

May smiled and kissed the top of Amy’s head.

She wished Phil was here to see this. She knew she shouldn’t think like that, Sarah had told her it might be best to just let things go from time to time, but she couldn’t help it. 

Phil would have made such a great father. He was patient and strong and funny, and he would have teased Daisy mercilessly about some stupid thing she was complaining about, his puns would have filled the room and Daisy would have swatted his arm and Amy would have chuckled and cuddled up to her father.

He would have loved Amy.

It was too late to realize that she was crying, because Amy had already abandoned Count von Count and was now sitting in May’s lap, facing her, her face serious. It felt a little like looking in a mirror.

“Mama?”

“Yes, baby girl?”

“You sad?”

“A little bit.”

“Don be sad. Be happy!”

“Yes, baby girl, I will.”

Amy leaned in and poked her fingers into May’s mouth, only to move them to the corners and lift them up. May’s heart warmed, like it so often did in the presence of her beautiful little girl, and a smile spread on her face. Amy cheered and fell against her mother’s chest and they hugged for a long time.

May realized Amy was probably so empathic because her mother was a mess. May had been super dependent on her friends after the birth, especially Daisy, who had basically given up her single life to live with her then pregnant mother. May had been to multiple therapists, still crying herself to sleep most nights, and many of Amy’s feedings had been spent crying, her heart numb and on fire at the same time. Amy had always seen her mother sad, but she knew her mother could be happy, too. Because the only reason that May was still alive was because of this cute little girl currently in her arms. Sure, everything had sucked, she had cried for large portions of days and had handed her baby to Daisy when things got too much. 

But Sarah was right. May had been a rock for Amy, despite her constant crying, she had hugged Amy and rocked her to sleep and fed and changed and bathed her. Amy had slept in May’s bed often when the girl was inconsolable, for whatever reason, and Amy had always known May to be her mother. Her loving, although messed up, mother. 

“I love you, Amelia.” She hardly called her baby by her full name. Not that Amy noticed. 

“I love you, Mama.”

May’s shock completely drove away the dark clouds that had been hanging over her, and she actually pulled Amy away a little to look at her. “What did you just say?”

“I love you.”

“Oh, my god…” 

Amy had never said that. May could feel something shift inside her heart, like it was physically throwing out some of the bad, dark things there, to make space for this moment, right here. She never wanted to forget this, ever again, the first time Amelia had told her she loved her. May wondered briefly, although without letting it ruin the beauty of it, if Amy was bluffing again, just repeating May’s words back to her. 

It didn’t matter. Even if she did, she had still said ‘I love you’. She would have many years left to say it like she meant it, because she actually loved her mother.

“Mama, I love you. You booful. I love you.”

Okay, maybe Amy wasn’t guessing this time. 

~...~

Amy loved going to daycare, even if it still hurt for May to leave her there. May was growing increasingly more confident in the staff's abilities to care for her child, even if her own care would of course remain the best. (She was allowed to brag. Amy was doing way better than most kids her age.)

“Amelia! Welcome!” One of the teachers reached out for Amy and May still hesitated a little, even if she knew full well that they wouldn't let anything happen to her baby. It was just an instinct not to let her go so easily. “Oh, I just wanted to run something by you, Mrs. Coulson. We'll be celebrating Father's Day soon and we were wondering if Amelia can join?” 

For a moment, May was unsure whether she had heard correctly. Father's Day? How was that soon? It was only-

Then, it hit her. Of course. Father's Day. Kids made presents for their fathers on Father's Day. Kids who had a Mommy and Daddy. Not Amelia - she only had a Mommy.

“You can think about it, of course. Lots of parents don't let their kids join. We just wanted to make sure what your stance was.”

May nodded quietly and she already felt her hands shaking. She heard Sarah in the back of her head telling her to think of happy things, of Phil smiling at her or Daisy performing so well in College or Amy growing up so fast. The dark clouds that had been looming over her for weeks increased in size.

“We'll see you later, Mrs. Coulson,” the teacher said, nodding at her, probably aware of what she had caused. May walked to her car with lead in her shoes.

She knew this would happen eventually. She knew she would have to make these kinds of decisions, and yet she felt she hadn't prepared herself enough for when the moment would actually be here.

She sank into the carseat and let out a heavy sigh. For the first time in a long while, she didn't really feel… anything. She preferred to feel angry or sad or confused or anything. Not feeling anything was… quite dangerous for her. 

She took in a deep breath and held it there, tried Sarah’s techniques, thinking about the thing that made her feel like this, and exhaled, trying to let out those thoughts together with the air that was escaping her. 

A deep breath in. A deep breath out. A deep breath in…

She closed her eyes and focused more. Come on, Melinda May. You can do this. You’re not weak. You’re still a proper human being, even without Phil Coulson. You’ve got two beautiful daughters waiting for you at home, who can hug you and kiss you and confirm the fact that you’re loveable, at least to them.

She saw Phil’s still body instead. His skin pale, cold to her touch. She saw his casket being lowered into the cold earth, the first few shovels covering him with dirt, endless, endless dirt. She remembered being barely able to stand, wishing she could just join him, lay down on his casket and have the ground slowly cover her, until she could no longer breathe and could finally join him, be with him again. 

When she opened her eyes, she was disoriented for a while, the mild spring air brushing against her cheeks, whipping her hair around her face. She didn’t remember having opened the car windows. She looked to her side to close the window and realized she was no longer in her car, and was instead sitting on firm concrete, her feet dangling without touching the ground. She blinked a couple of times, looked at her legs and saw nothing beyond them, just air.

She leaned forward and saw the water rushing below her, must be twenty feet. She should be panicking now. She knew she was scared of heights. But instead, she just felt… nothing. Still, nothing. 

Sounds were resurfacing now, too. She heard some cars race behind her, some honks, some people muttering and gasping.

“Ma’am?”

She knew they were talking to her. But nothing inside her motivated her to respond to them.

“Ma’am, can you hear me?”

The person was not familiar to May, and she didn’t like to converse with strangers. They didn’t understand what she felt. Only Daisy did. And maybe Sarah.

“I want to help you. What’s your name?”

“Melinda.”

“Nice to meet you, Melinda. My name is Saanvi.” They were both quiet for a while. May kept looking over the edge and she could hear people shrieking and gasping. 

She had to admit, this was kind of ironic. She had been afraid of heights since childhood, most of it having faded when she had joined SHIELD, when she had learned that she was stronger than that, and then everything had returned the night of the fire. She hyperventilated at the mere idea of being two stories up, and yet now… she saw the water below her, and it felt like it was calling for her. Like it would greet her with a warm hug and kind words, like it was the solution for all of her problems.

The woman sat down beside May, her legs dangling off the edge, too. No. The woman shouldn’t come close. Anybody who came close to Melinda May was guaranteed to die, or otherwise suffer badly. She didn’t want to put that on somebody else. She had tainted enough lives. 

“There’s nothing here for me,” May whispered.

“I doubt that.” The woman sounded kind and patient. May dared to look at her - beautiful Indian lady, well, young woman. She didn’t seem scared at all. “Do you have children, Melinda?”

May nodded. As opposed to her numbness in the past few minutes, she suddenly felt some warmth enter her heart. “Amelia. Daisy.”

Saanvi smiled and nodded, too. May felt the urge to look at them, see their beautiful faces in front of her. She pulled out her phone and only needed to unlock it, her girls already in the background. Saanvi looked at them, too.

“Think about what they would feel if they lost you.”

They would be crushed. But it wasn’t enough to keep her here.

“I’m, uh… having a hard time.”

“I can tell, Melinda. But you’ll be okay. Shall we… step down?”

May shook her head. She wasn’t ready yet. She didn’t know what was holding her back. She could neither jump off the bridge, nor step onto the concrete.

“Can I call your daughter, Melinda?”

“Please.”

May kept staring at the water below while she heard Saanvi talk to Daisy. Sounds kept passing in and out, she felt faint, like she hadn’t eaten anything in a while. Her hands were shaking. Saanvi remained by her side, not saying anything, just being there. It felt… reassuring. A stranger would care enough to want to save her? How was that possible?

Daisy appeared within minutes, May could feel it, before she saw her, her vibrations preceding her. May felt the concrete underneath her shake a little, and held onto the edges. 

“Melinda! Oh my god! Please get down!”

“Daisy… Phil…”

“I know, Melinda. But this is not the way. Please. I love you. Please come down.”

May looked at the water down and considered it for a while. It was so easy. Just jump down and she didn’t have to live here anymore. She could be with Phil again. She had been with him before. She just had to die. Just scoot your ass off this bridge and you’ll be with him, Melinda.

But she wouldn’t forgive herself. The pain that she felt every day was always so brutal, some days she didn’t feel anything at all, but she wouldn’t give up Daisy or Amelia for anything in the world. She only realized that fully here, on top of this bridge, with Daisy talking her out of killing herself, that she knew that she had to keep living, had to hold on, because every day Amelia still woke up happy and hugging her Mommy and learning new words with every passing minute, and Daisy still roamed the hallways of her tiny apartment singing pop songs and making the pots shake on the windowsill.

Phil wouldn’t forgive her. He would never forgive her if she took her own life, not even to be with him. He would want her to spend every single minute that she could with these beautiful girls, because he no longer got to do that. 

She started shaking, and reached beside her towards Daisy, who quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her back onto the bridge. May hit the concrete, scraping her skin, but the pain was good, it was one of the first things she had felt since appearing on this bridge, aside from just complete and utter love for her two children. She looked at the scratch marks from the sidewalk on her wrists, and suddenly her view started blurring and she panicked, what was this? Had she fallen the wrong way? A lot of her surroundings still seemed out of focus.

But then Daisy was kneeling in front of her and brushing tears off May’s cheeks and she held onto Daisy’s wrists, god, she had almost killed herself, hadn’t she? How could she?

She wanted to scream at herself, she wanted to get mad, she needed some serious help but she was already receiving that, how had she still not dealt with all this?

Everybody else seemed to have moved on. The team had found a new purpose in finding Fitz and had succeeded, they had fought to rebuild SHIELD to how it was before everything went to shit; Daisy was going back to school, restoring a future for herself outside of SHIELD. She had seemed utterly destroyed when he had died and yet she was still here, and she wasn’t as fucked up as May was. Daisy had hardly needed help.

Why did May need help? She was strong, wasn’t she? 

“What happened?” Daisy asked, brushing May’s hair out of her face. 

May shook her head and lowered it, letting her tears fall onto the concrete. She fell into Daisy’s arms and cried, cried for all she was worth, cried like she had when he died, hadn’t since, maybe that was why everything was so fucked up beyond belief. They sat there on the cold concrete for seemingly centuries, Daisy was so close and warm and her arms closed around May like a… like a… some sort of metaphor. It didn’t matter anymore. Daisy was here, and the roles were reversed - May was no longer the strong and calm pillar supporting Daisy; now, May was just helpless, angry and sad and frustrated and _sad_. 

“I love you, Melinda,” Daisy whispered, still brushing May’s hair, whispering in her ear. May faintly heard sirens in the distance. They should arrest her. She had nearly committed murder. Of herself, of the mother of her children; of their futures, because they could manage without her but they would be heartbroken, like she was now. (She really didn’t want to completely orphan Daisy a second time.)

“We’ll get you medication,” Daisy whispered. May shook her head. No pills. She had told Sarah that, and her previous therapists - _no pills_. She would get out of this herself, she was strong and could do this.

But obviously, she couldn’t. She couldn’t get through this on her own. She had tried therapy and nothing had helped her. 

May nodded and held onto Daisy tightly. She could swear she heard Sarah in the distance, and lifted her head. She saw the woman standing there, talking to Saanvi - Saanvi, that beautiful young woman who hadn’t been afraid of May and who had made her see what good she had in this world. May could jump up and hug the woman tightly, thanking her, but she felt like she would pass out if she did.

Sarah and Daisy helped her up eventually, stood by her when paramedics checked her up, and made her sit in Daisy’s car when the buzz had disappeared.

May looked at the ledge where she had sat just minutes ago.

She hadn’t seen Phil, inviting her over, telling her it would be okay.

It had been her future, her beautiful girls, who had convinced her to stay.

She lay in bed that night with Daisy on one side, Amy on the other. She was happy to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're ever struggling with anything similar to what May is going through, and you're not doing well, PLEASE reach out to somebody you love/care about. You're never alone, just like May, and there is always someone who would love to support you through whatever it is you're going through! If for whatever reason you feel you can't reach out to people you know, then please reach out to your local/national suicide prevention hotline. (For USA readers: 1-800-273-8255, among others.) I love you! This chapter was a bit rough but the next few will be better, I promise! (However, this chapter wasn't the roughest of this entire story... just a warning, darker storms are ahead.)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your kind words! I always fear I'm not doing the storyline justice but I'm glad to learn that y'all still like it!   
> This is a bit of a filler chapter, I might admit, but even those are alright to read, right?

“Are you ready to talk about what happened?”

“It shouldn’t have happened,” May said, taking a sip of her tea. She hadn’t taken her medication that morning, afraid it would mess with her ability to talk about her feelings. Daisy had eyed her suspiciously, she was willing to force the pills down her throat. May just hoped she didn’t have to.

“Glad you can agree on that, then. You got me worried there, Melinda.” Sarah was sincere, like she always had been. Sarah wasn’t fake. Sarah would tell May when she was doing well, but she would also tell her when she had to stop the BS. Now was such a time.

Sarah seemed angry at herself, not at May. She had admitted to Daisy that she hadn’t expected May to be suicidal, but then again, neither had May. 

“I was at the daycare, dropping off Amy. The teacher asked me about Father’s Day, I panicked,” like she always did whenever the word ‘father’ was dropped, or any variation of it, “I went to my car to control my breathing. I used your technique. It helped for a bit. But then everything slipped and when I opened my eyes, I was on the bridge.”

Sarah wrote all this down, or at least, it looked like it. May couldn’t really be sure. 

She still had a lot of anger inside her. She was reminded of Daisy’s words in her dream years ago, when she had only barely found out that she was pregnant.  _ Just think of a little monster inside Mommy's heart who kicks and screams and hurts Mommy. Every time she wants to be happy, the monster kicks again. So to stop herself from being hurt, she stops being happy. _ Most of the anger was now turned towards herself - how could she think that taking her life was the best option? How could she be such a worthless mother to her children? They deserved better than that, right?

“You don’t remember getting there?”

May shook her head. 

“Interesting. Have you experienced a blackout before?”

“No. Sarah, how is this possible? I don’t think I actually wanted to kill myself.”

“Well, it’s possible that the breathing exercises went wrong. You might have focused too hard on the wrong things. Or you might have seen something that added to or confirmed your traumas and you blocked it out. But I do think a positive thing out of all of this is that you have the awareness that you don’t want to commit suicide. That’s important.”

They were quiet, like only they could be. It was always comfortable, and it always gave May space to think.

“I’ve thought about doing it before. I think… maybe everybody has, at some point. I’ve been through shit before. But this… it’s just… I keep thinking I’m over it and that it’s done, but then shit like this happens and I feel like I’m back at square one. Like… why don’t I get better, Sarah? Why can’t I get over myself?”

“I believe you’re looking at it the wrong way, Melinda. This isn’t something you ‘get over’. The loss of someone this close to you, who has meant so much to you, is not something you ‘get over’, like a bad day at work or a scratch in your car. It’s something that you need to learn to live with. You need to be able to give it a space in your heart. I have already told you, you might always remain angry, and sad, and it’s totally okay to feel that. You may feel angry and sad that the universe took Phil away from you. But at some point, you need to realize that there is more in the world than him. I know, don’t get offended just yet. But you know Amy and Daisy are there for you, in more ways than one.”

Sarah was right. 

Phil was no longer her future, even though she had envisioned a future with him for a decade now, maybe two. 

Amelia Ju Coulson and Daisy Johnson were now her future. She had to put all of her focus on them. With just a little bit of Phil Coulson on the side - just a little bit of his smile to add the last rays of sunshine to her life. 

“And take your medication, Melinda. It’s important.”

Alright. If it would get her back on her feet, she would do what she was told.

~...~

May took her pills diligently now, and they really helped. They managed to neutralize the bad thoughts in her brain, she could still feel them wriggling around in there, but they didn’t manage to destroy the happy things that she experienced on a daily basis.

Like Amelia proudly showing her a drawing she had worked on in daycare to commemorate Father’s Day. (Maybe it was the medication, but she didn’t even feel a stab in her heart at that.) It didn’t really represent anything, unsurprising for a child her age. May was proud of it, too, just because Amy had been. May had put it up on the fridge like it was the new Mona Lisa - and hey, you never knew, modern art these days was just three lines and people could earn millions. Perhaps she was a future Rembrandt.

Daisy had brought home her first real exam result and May had nearly cried - 100%. Top of her class. She had even received compliments from her teacher for her enthusiasm. It had earned a nice place beside Amy’s drawing.

May sat there in the kitchen one day, looking at the two papers side by side. They were growing up so fast, one perhaps faster than the other, but they were her beautiful baby girls and she didn’t know what she would do without them. Well, the bridge incident had shown them, like so many things had, that she wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for them.

She found that thinking about Phil had become easier with the medication. She had less trouble thinking about his smile and his hugs and the other amazing memories she had made with him, especially on Tahiti. She hadn’t really cried anymore except for happy tears, and most of them weren’t even about him, most of them were about Amy and Daisy. 

“Did you take your pills?” Daisy asked, putting a cup of steaming hot tea in front of her. Some of her favorite teas had been banned by Daisy, they had changed her behavior in the wrong way and she only wanted positive energy nowadays. Daisy only allowed her to drink ‘happy teas’, mostly green tea. May also didn’t want to drink tea that made her slower or more relaxed, feeling like the dark clouds had more opportunities to creep up on her like that.

“Yes, Mom.”

Daisy rolled her eyes and kissed May’s cheek. May smiled and continued looking at the fridge.

“You know, you seem better with the medication. Why didn’t you start them sooner?”

“Because now it isn’t really me that’s happy. It’s just the medication talking.”

“Nonsense. Melinda, all the medication does is balancing chemicals. It’s all still you.”

She had trouble believing that. But Daisy was right - May was better with her medication. Perhaps all her brain needed was just a reset, a little push in the right direction. 

She certainly felt proud of being able to get out of bed in the morning without feeling the weight of the world crush upon her chest. 

“Can you believe she’s almost two?” Daisy asked, changing the subject. May smiled, shook her head and sipped her tea. Dammit. Too hot. Perhaps Sarah and Daisy needed to drink some tea together for a change. “I still remember you screaming at me because of your contractions. Seems only yesterday.”

It was true. Despite everything that had happened, all the shit May had had to go through, and Daisy, too, it was easy to overlook the fact that Amelia had still been growing, happily might May add. Amy now reached May’s hip and, consequently, the kitchen counters and May’d had to install locks on every single cabinet, even if there weren’t any cleaning supplies in there. (Amy loved her snacks. She would climb out of her crib at night to raid everything.)

“You nearly broke my arm.”

“I did not.”

“Did too! I still have the bruises to show for it!” Daisy’s eyes were glittering, even in the dim kitchen lights. She raised the sleeve of her shirt and showed May her arm. “There!”

“That’s a birthmark.”

Daisy rolled her eyes and pushed back her shirt. “Fine. But, back to important matters, we need to throw Amy a birthday party.”

“It’s not time yet.”   
“It is, though. Fifteenth of July. That’s next week.”   
“It can’t be.”

May got up and walked over to her calendar. She could swear it was only April, still, but then Father’s Day had passed already and she was well aware that that was in June. Damn. Must be her pills messing with her sense of time. 

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“You’re the mom. But I’ll help you.”   
“Thanks, that’s real considerate.”

They looked at each other, quiet for a few moments, before both laughed and put their tea down, savoring the moment. May hadn’t laughed like this in a while… she wouldn’t lie and say that she hadn’t laughed like this since he had died, because she knew she had. She had a funny family in which every member felt comfortable making each other laugh and teasing each other. But most of the good moments had been heavily clouded by the bad - like staying in bed all day with the curtains drawn, because the light hurt her throbbing head, and even if she wanted light, she didn’t have enough energy to get up out of bed. (Daisy had practically dragged her out by her ear on numerous occasions. In many aspects, Daisy definitely was the mom in their relationship.)

May wrapped her arms around Daisy, who was slightly surprised, only to join her. 

“Thank you, Daisy.”

“Sure. No problem, Mel.”

“I’m serious, Daisy. I love you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

They pulled away and looked each other in the eye.

“May. I know. You don’t have to thank me.”

“But I do, though. I’ve been horrible and you didn’t get the attention you deserve. But I feel… like things are changing now, you know? I have a good feeling about this.”

“You haven’t been horrible, May. You have a depression. Your brain was working against you. But we’ll get you there. I believe we’re on the right track.” Daisy brushed a strand of May’s hair behind her ear. “You look better. You really do. And I’m so proud of you, that you’re still here. That you chose life. Chose us, me and Amelia and  _ you _ . You chose you. And May… I would still rather be dealing with you on antidepressants than having to… arrange another funeral.”

The word ‘depression’ shocked her a little. She hadn’t thought about that word at all, nor had Sarah ever discussed that with May. But it was what May was - depressed. Sarah had hinted at it, with her theory about ‘complicated grief’ or whatever, but it had just been a way of saying that she was suffering a depression. Perhaps the knowledge that this was what had bugged her all those months, knowing that there was a name for it and medication to fight it and lots of books to aid her, perhaps that would make all the difference in the world. 

They hugged again, tears in the corners of May’s eyes, making her realize that there were other things to cry about than just Phil. She would spoil Daisy senseless in the near future, take her out for a girls night and maybe encourage her to do some flirting and have some non-alcoholic drinks (because alcohol and heavy medication was not a good idea) and make her think of something other than her depressed mother and attempted suicides and even happier things, like waking up in the middle of the night because of her baby sister seeking comfort, or her full diapers that had made Daisy throw up a lot of the times. 

Daisy should be allowed to just be a woman again. Now that she thought about it, May should, too. No big sister, no mother.

Just a woman.

Of course, Amy interrupted them with a tap of her bottle against May’s arm. 

“Water, Mommy.”

Daisy chuckled and brushed the tears off May’s cheek, before the latter woman smiled at her littlest daughter and hugged her close, too. Just as a reassurance, that they were still there, that she was still alive. 

“No, Mommy! No 'ug! Water!”

Daisy chuckled. “At least she has her priorities straight.”

May smiled and kissed Amy's cheek.

“Yes, baby girl, I’ll get you some water.” 

And Amy waggled off happily with her newly filled bottle of water.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright soooo this is the last chapter until both you and this story will lose your collective shits. I don't know what shits you owned, but you'll definitely lose it next chapter. (Is my hyping up working so far?) You won't even know what's coming, and you'll definitely be wrong if you guess.  
> Also, thanks for all the comments and kudos! They're always appreciated!

For the first time since his death, May felt like she was getting somewhere. She wasn’t completely surrounding herself with Amy, like she had in the first few weeks after her birth, and she wasn’t completely overloading herself with thinking about Phil all the time. 

She was, however, slightly overwhelmed with everything that she had arranged for Amy’s second birthday party. She knew Daisy had done most of the preparations last time, and considering she was doing better, she wanted to make a difference now. She wanted to be the one to have arranged everything, so she could feel happier with the knowledge that she knew her daughter well.

May had even somewhat overcome her fear of shopping for baby and kid stuff alone. She had always had Daisy support her but she knew she should do this, Daisy was busy and May had all the time in the world - as long as Amy was at daycare, of course. (And she found herself using daycare more and more these days, because she had learned that it was a safe and fun way of having Amy looked after without putting a strain on her friends. Perhaps she brought Amy to daycare a bit too much. Should watch that.)

She needed a toddler bed. Well,  _ need _ was a big word, she knew Amelia still fit well inside her crib, but considering she was skillfully climbing out of it and hurting herself on numerous occasions, it might be time to consider a bigger bed, with lower railings. Amy was going to be up in the middle of the night anyway, so might as well make it safe. 

“Hello, Ma’am, how can I be of assistance today?” a slightly older man asked her, attempting to be nice, but failing slightly. May looked at him - graying, unflattering lines in his face. He had probably been working here for too long.

“I’m looking for a toddler bed for my daughter.”   
“Alrighty. How old?”

“She turns two in four days.”   
“Two?” he said incredulously, his eyebrows raising practically to the top of his head. “Oh, ma’am, you’re way too late to be switching to a toddler bed now! Might as well give her a full bed!”

She felt anger wash over her, familiar anger, not one she had felt often in the past two and a half years. She already felt her fingers itching to move towards him, she hadn’t fought anyone in a long time - but she shouldn’t start now. She was improving. She shouldn’t replace one unhealthy behavioral pattern with another. 

“I know my child. I doubt she’s ready for a bed but she’s turning two. I want to celebrate that fact.” The fact that she was still there, and so was May, that they were still alive and in relatively one piece. 

She took a deep breath and calmed down. She smiled at the man, thanked him for his time, and walked away. That’s it, Melinda May. You can do this. Violence is not the answer, it never is. Even though you’ve been trained to feel that way all your life. 

She didn’t pay attention to the man anymore and was actually very proud of herself. She would brag about it to Sarah or Daisy but neither were here, and she realized it wasn’t even such a big deal. She hadn’t punched someone in the face. That wasn’t anything to write home about. 

May eventually picked a cute pink bed that matched the cherry blossom tree in the nursery, and struggled for a while to get the package in her car, but eventually, she was home and carefully put everything in her own bedroom and crashed down onto the bed. 

Man, she was exhausted. She often was these days, Sarah said it was one of the many downsides to depression. May had been tired before, but nothing like this, yet perhaps because she had never called her ‘sadness’ depression, she had never fully managed to link the two. Of course she was exhausted because of her depression. Her brain was messing with her, but she had medication now to help with everything, and they really did just that. She honestly had no idea why she hadn’t started medication sooner - but then realized, she had seen what some medication had done to her parents, and she had still been absolutely certain that she could get over herself eventually.

Well, nothing of that any time soon. But at least the pills worked. 

She reached for her phone and texted Daisy.

_ I know you’re busy, but can you pick up Amy on your way here? Xxx _

She lay against her pillow and looked at the package of which she only saw about a couple inches. She really needed to get working on that. But at the same time, she wondered whether Amy was emotionally ready to be sleeping in a big bed. May didn’t want to have assembled everything only to find out that Amy would much rather sleep in her crib. 

Her phone buzzed. She looked at the screen.

_ Class is running late, sorry! I’ll make it up to you! _

May sighed, typed a quick response and felt her eyelids struggle almost immediately.

Okay. Back to a normal daily routine. She had time to sleep tonight.

~...~

Her exhaustion kept up for most of the week, and on the morning of Amy’s birthday, she felt like a solid block of concrete was pushing her down into the bed and she couldn’t really get up. She turned around, and again, hearing Daisy’s footsteps already traipsing to the kitchen to get her standard dose of cereal and coffee.

May pulled the covers over her head completely. What kind of mother was she if she couldn’t even get out of bed for her own daughter’s birthday party? What must Amy think? May doubted the girl knew it was her birthday, but she did appear to always look forward to her mother getting her out of bed and hugging and kissing her awake.

May didn’t do that sometimes. She simply couldn’t. But… she had to. For Amy’s sake. She sat up heavily, took a deep gulp of the water on her nightstand and got up, draping her bathrobe around herself.

“Mommy! Mommy!” Amy was already exclaiming, knowing she wasn’t supposed to climb out of her crib and probably fighting the urge to do so. May felt a smile spread across her lips and focused on that for a moment, hopefully drawing some strength from that. Her beautiful daughter would be so happy to see her! That was worth getting up for in the morning, wasn’t it?

Amy was jumping up and down on the mattress when May entered the room and they reached for each other almost instinctively. Amy always liked to walk around the house unassisted but when she could have her mother’s arms around her tight, it was less of a priority to be independent. 

“Good morning baby girl,” May whispered, brushing Amy’s sleep-tousled hair out of her face. She would brush those beautiful locks later, maybe put some bows in them, if Amy cooperated. 

“Mommy! Birdday!”

May was surprised for a moment, she knew Amy didn’t have a real sense of time yet, she was too young for that, but then realized the girl must have had a pep talk from Daisy the night before, when May had been in her bed, wiped out, and Daisy had tucked in her baby sister. 

“Yes, baby girl, it’s your birthday today! How old are you?”

May walked to the rocking chair and sat, knowing Daisy was probably waiting with tea in the kitchen, but needing this alone time with her baby. 

Amy strained and tried with her bad hand to show something Daisy had no doubt shown her. May held the little hand in hers and focused on Amy’s right one. For a few moments, a frown of frustration appeared between the girl’s brows, but then she just went with her right hand and held up four fingers, only the thumb tucked in. 

Amy had a preference for the left side of her body, holding her crayons with her left, her left leg trying to support her more when she fell. It went against everything Jemma had said when Amy had just been born - everybody had thought that Amy would be right-handed, because of her handicap of her left hand, but it seemed she had proved everyone wrong and went for the unlikely option, instead. Didn’t mean that May didn’t try to manipulate the girl’s actions a little, only so that Amy might have a better shot at learning a lot of things in life - writing, tying shoelaces, and with this adorable little left hand, she would be struggling much more in the future.

May didn’t want Amelia to struggle, not like May had done herself. As a mother, she thought it was natural to only want her kid to excel. 

May tucked in Amy’s ring- and pinky finger and held it up for both to see. 

“Two! You’re two today! You’re such a big girl already.”

“Big girl! I two!”

“Yes, you are.” May smiled and kissed Amy’s cheek. They sat there in relative silence until May could hear Daisy putting up a kettle again and decided that her alone time with Amelia was probably over. 

Grabbing Amy's Daddy doll on her way out, she shuffled over to the kitchen.

“Happy birthday, Amycita!”

May frowned at Daisy but let her take the wriggling baby from her anyway.

Toddler. Amy was no longer a baby, hadn’t been for a year, actually. But she was always May’s baby, no matter what. Even if Amy would soon be sleeping in a toddler bed. 

Daisy sang and Amy looked at her mother to see if she joined, too - she couldn’t refuse those beautiful brown eyes anything, so she smiled and clapped her hands while Daisy sang way out of tune and eventually settled Amy into her high chair. 

Might have to get rid of that one, too.

Daisy put a cup of tea in front of May, still singing. Amy loved it, clapping along, smiling happily. May was about to get up to collect her pills when they appeared before her, too, with a glass of water.

“I'll take care of everything today,” Daisy whispered, kissing May's cheek. “You celebrate your daughter's second birthday.”

And she was off fetching Amy's breakfast and making sure both her sister and mother were safe before leaving the room.

“Cay cay?”

“What?”

"Cay cay!"

Daisy chuckled from the next room. "Crazy Daisy!”

"Cay cay!"

May chuckled. Amy was too cute, and so was Daisy. She was teaching her sister words that May didn't even think about teaching her. It seemed that Daisy had learned the nicknaming skill from Mack, and she was equally as bad at it as him.

“Yep. Daisy is crazy. You crazy girl, let's get some food in you so we can eat cake later.”

“Cake! I cake!”

“I know you do. You love all the food your dad did.”

“Love Daddy. Amy birdday, Mommy.”

May kissed her baby girl and watched her eat her breakfast, even if she knew she had to eat something herself, too. No matter. She would have cake and that should be enough.

Not much later, some of their friends and family came over to spoil Amelia with more toys than she could ever possibly need, some Frozen dresses to dress up in, even a little toy kitchen, like she wasn't interested enough already in May or Daisy cooking, much to their annoyances. 

Daisy took such good care of everyone. May had walked into the kitchen to get Jemma some tea but Daisy had made her turn around immediately.

“Amelia, Mel.”

“Right.”

After the guests had gone, May had grabbed Amy's hand and they had walked into May's bedroom, looking together at the long, vertical box that was laying on the ground. May sat down and Amy sat down in front of her with her back towards her mother, without needing to be asked.

“Amy, your Mommy also bought you a present.”

“What?”

Amy was already reaching out to open the box but May stopped her.

“We'll only open it when you're ready, baby girl. It's a big girl bed. I thought, now that you're two, you're big enough to sleep in one… but I don't want to rush you.”

“Pink?”

“Yes, it's pink.”

“I ready.”

May chuckled and buried her face in Amy's hair for a few more moments, but then the girl was off and already ripping at the edges of the box. May sighed and scooted closer, too.

Amy was ready. She would sleep in a bed soon. And May needed to let go of this little baby, a little more every day. 

May still remembered when the girl could hardly say anything, and now she was babbling and more words were starting to make sense as well. May had no doubts that any person who just met this little girl would probably have no idea what she was saying, but May was used to it by now. It became increasingly easier now to understand Amy.

A little while later, her knees hurt, her back, everything hurt, she was too old to be sitting and kneeling on the floor for this long, but Daisy helped, and Amy sat on the sidelines cheering them on and 'reading' her new books and altogether have the focus of a dog, her mind somewhere else every other minute.

“Go Mommy! Go Daisy!”

May chuckled and Daisy threw her vest at the little girl, who also chuckled while still being knocked backwards by the force.

“Little one, either help us or be quiet!” Daisy said, teasingly of course, drawing out more chuckles from the other two. “I got to say, I imagined her second birthday a little differently than assembling a bed.”

“And failing,” May added.

“Yeah, well, I didn't want to say that.” They looked at the manual again. It couldn't possibly be that hard, right? She had assembled more furniture, she knew how these things worked.

But it would be so much easier with a man helping them. Somehow, they had instincts for these types of things. Fitz especially - he had redesigned most of Amy's nursery in a day or two.

“Will you have therapy tomorrow?” Daisy asked, rubbing her forehead and picking up yet another screw.

“Sarah cancelled again. She keeps having this emergency patient.”

“Who could be more emergency than you?” Daisy asked, an eyebrow raised. May swatted her arm with the instruction manual.

“As long as I keep taking my medication, I'll be fine.”

“That's the spirit.”

“It makes you wonder though what that other person must be going through to need such intense therapy.”

Daisy raised up onto her knees and attempted yet again to assemble the bed. Her newest action wasn't even that bad, but the pieces of wood still fell down onto the rug with a muffled thud. 

“Don't you break your head about that, you got enough to deal with on your own.” May should probably be offended but she knew that Daisy was right. She did have enough of her own shit to be dealing with somebody else's. “But considering you're free tomorrow, I thought, maybe we could go out together? And we could go shopping, I need some new jeans.”

May immediately felt herself nodding yes and at Daisy's relief, she smiled. “Yes. Yes, please.”

“Oh good!”

They smiled at each other for a while. May loved this young woman, she really did. She knew she had complained about her a lot in the past, Skye hadn't been ready for combat and she'd still had so much to learn about life. But looking at the woman kneeling across from her, sweat on her forehead because of their attempts for the bed, May knew she had turned out to be much more significant to her than May had expected at first. 

Daisy was basically the spouse May was missing. She did the groceries sometimes, took care of Amy when needed, and she was an excellent hugger. Well, perhaps husbands weren't always that great, if she could trust her married friends. Still. Who would have thought? (Although she would much appreciate Phil helping her out, too.)

“Maybe we can get you a man who can fix this bed,” May said, and she was just in time to dodge the pillow that had come rushing toward her.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful mothers, grandmothers (and perhaps aunties, too, shall we include them? Yes we shall)! May your day be blessed amongst your blessed (grand)children, despite the situation that we are all in atm. Stay safe, but lots of love to ya!  
> So, this chapter was not planned on this day but it fits to publish it now. What do you think the May in this story would answer if you asked her what the best present would be on this blessed day? Right.

The next therapy session, May had brought Amelia, because the girl wasn't having a good day and she would probably make too much trouble at the daycare. May knew how difficult her daughter could be. She didn't want to push that into someone else's shoes while she could try and fix it herself. And anyway, most of it was because Amelia wanted to stay close to her mother - the toddler bed had been installed and the toddler had been installed into the bed, but it still seemed a step too soon, perhaps. Amy would be unable to catch sleep and May would try to ignore her, or put her back to bed, but the bed itself wasn't really working for Amy yet.

Sarah poked her head round the corner and smiled apologetically at May.

“I'm so sorry, Mel, this appointment is running a bit late. Will you be fine?”

May waved at her dismissively. She had her daughter to look after - she wouldn't be bored. 

“I'll be fine.”

“Good! Grab a cup of tea if you'd like!”

May nodded and Sarah disappeared into her office again. Hmm. Perhaps this was the emergency patient she'd heard so much about? She had to admit, she was kind of curious, but she couldn't very well open the door and barge into the session.

She just had to wait for the person to leave the office so she could have a look at them.

Perhaps they were addicted to something and it was threatening their life? But then they would be admitted into rehab and therapy sessions would be the least of their worries.

Perhaps they were suicidal, like May? But then Sarah had explained that most, if not all, of her patients who expressed suicidal thoughts received mediation in some form, and if that didn't work, they would be taken into a mental health clinic for closer observation. (May was glad the medication worked for her - what would she be doing with her kids if she was in an insane asylum?)

She shook her head and walked over to the water boiler on the kitchen counter. Daisy was right - she had enough shit of her own. She didn't need to take on someone else's, she had done that enough throughout her life. 

“Mommyyyy,” Amy whined, rubbing her eyes, when the toy she was playing with wouldn't do what she wanted it to. May put the tea on standby and picked up her daughter from the floor, cuddling her close.

“I know you're tired, baby girl. This will only take a little while, hopefully, and then we'll put you right back to bed.”

“No, no bed.”

“I know, but we agreed that you were a big girl and could sleep in the big girl bed.”

“Mommy bed.”

“But that's Mommy's bed. That's only for emergencies.”

“This emewcie.”

“I'm sure it is. Hey, let's sit down, and perhaps you can nap against Mommy's chest.”

Amy shrugged but still settled inside May's arms, and she looked briefly, longingly, at the hot water in the boiler, before sighing and sitting down. She pulled the sides of her vest over Amy, made the girl place her legs on either side of May's hips, and already felt the girl relaxing. 

Amy was increasingly getting too big and too heavy to carry, at least by May, though try she would. May still remembered when Amy fit just barely into two hands, and now, May could barely even look over her little girl while she was sitting in her lap.

At least Amy was still here, grumpy but alive. 

May rubbed soothing circles on Amy's back and even hummed a Chinese lullaby her own father always used to sing to her, and which she had sung to her daughter countless times over the past two years. Within minutes, Amy lay, softly snoring, inside May's arms and May smiled and rested her chin upon the girl's head.

“Sorry for the bed, baby girl,” she whispered. They sat like that for a long time, and Sarah still didn't resurface from her office. May carefully gathered Amy in her arms and stood, feeling the strain on her back as she did so, watching if the little girl was still asleep. She was stirring, but she made no other attempts at waking up. May pushed the button to boil the water again and rummaged in the cabinets, looking for her favorite tea, knowing Sarah had that. Amy shifted a little and May had to pause her tea attempts to make sure she didn't drop her daughter.

She heard the door open behind her but couldn't make sudden movements. Sarah thanked her previous patient and May poured the water into her cup.

“Mommy,” Amy whispered, and May felt one of her little arms raise. May held tightly onto her girl with one hand while lifting the cup of tea with the other. “Daddy…”

Must be some nice dreams Amy was having, and they certainly weren't the first, but May always wondered what the girl was dreaming about. Amy didn't know Phil, had never known him. Daisy had joked once that perhaps Amy envisioned her Daddy doll talking to her, but it was kind of sad.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

Okay, now she was either definitely awake, or her dreams were more intense than they usually were during her naps. 

May turned around, a smile already on her face with the prospect of talking to Sarah, when she dropped her cup of tea in shock, hot water splattering her feet and legs.

Phil. Phil. He was standing right there. There was no mistaking that it was him. It was him. He was here.

“Thank you so much, Andrew. I'll be seeing you soon, you've got my number.”

May stood frozen to the floor while the little girl inside her arms wriggled to be put down. Phil nodded his head at Sarah and walked off.

“Mel? Are you okay? You dropped your tea.”

“Phil.”

“What about him?”

“Phil.”

“Did you take your medication, Melinda?”

Just when Phil had rounded the corner, out of sight, May regained the ability to move, and only had half a mind to put her daughter down safely before running after him.

“Phil!”

He didn't respond, but kept walking, how could he not hear her, she was screaming at the top of her lungs! She ran faster and caught up with him eventually, unable to assess her feelings yet, just feeling pure shock.

“Can I help you?” he asked her. Their eyes met and her heart crashed - she hadn't realized that it had filled with blood again, it had been beating again at the sight of him, all of her worries lifted off her shoulders, the past two years forgotten. “Are you okay, Ma'am?”

“Phil, it's me.”

“I… I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. Do we know each other?”

“Phil… it's me. It's Melinda.”

He must remember who she was. She didn't know why he didn't remember her. Why didn't he know who she was?

“My name is Andrew, and I don't know you.”

Sarah came rushing out of the building with shock and worry on her face. May looked from her to Phil and back to Sarah.

“What did you do to him? Why doesn't he remember who I am?”

“Who is this, Melinda?” Sarah asked, genuinely asked.  _ Who was this?! _ Only the very reason May was here, in therapy, because she had lost him,  _ him _ , and now he was standing there in front of her, healthy, alive, but unable to remember who she was.

“Phil.”

“Come now, Melinda, that's absurd. Phil is dead. This is Andrew. You must be mistaking him for someone else.”

“No! No I'm not! I know my Phil and this is him!”

Sarah looked at Phil and they exchanged looks. She nodded faintly and wrapped an arm around May, guiding her back inside the building. Phil joined them.

Amy was sitting at the reception desk drawing but May barely noticed. 

She must be going insane. That's it. The medication had worked so far but now they were starting to change her thoughts, she was slowly getting insane, that had to be it. Perhaps she had envisioned things that weren't there.

But then she looked at Phil as he took a seat in the chair in the corner of the office and no, she wasn't imagining things, this was him. It really was him.

But he was dead. How was this possible?

“Did you hurt yourself when you dropped your tea, Melinda?'

May shook her head. She was numb. She was insane. She needed a good rest and she needed to stop taking her medication.

“Alright. Well, let's discuss this.” Sarah looked at Phil and both nodded. “Andrew here came into my office a month ago with no recollection of who he was, no memory at all.”

“The emergency patient,” May breathed.

Sarah nodded. “I have been trying to juggle his mind for a while now, see if anything triggers his memory. Nothing seems to have worked. While I'm unsure that this is really Phil, you do seem to know him and it might help his recovery.”

“I know him because he's Phil. He's my Phil.”

“Alright.” Sarah waved for Phil to take a seat beside May now. “Melinda, why don't you tell something about yourself.”

May was shaking slightly, the world seemed to spin around her. Wait. Had she taken her medication that morning? She couldn't remember, Daisy hadn't been at home and Amy had been fussing and she must have forgotten to take her medication, that was it. She would just go home and take them and lie in her bed a while and this would be over.

“Andrew, this is Melinda. She's been my patient for roughly a year now, after her husband Phil died. She's on some medication, I… think she might be experiencing some side-effects. Melinda, did you take your pills?”

May shook her head and stood and the whole world was furiously spinning around her, she had to hold on to the desk not to make herself fall.

“I'll… I'll go home… I'll take them now.”

“Melinda, you can't drive like this.”

“I'm fine!”

She took in some deep breaths and hoped her blurry vision would clear out. Perhaps some breathing exercises in the car would help. 

“Amelia!” May breathed, reaching for her daughter. The girl hesitated to come with her, which was a first. May understood - she wouldn't come with herself in this state, either.

She heard Phil and Sarah behind her, she was insane, she should have jumped from that bridge, but then she heard it, soft, surprised, but there.

“Amelia?”

She turned around and looked at him. Amy seemed to have heard someone calling her name, someone other than her mother, and stood beside May now, her tiny hand reaching up to hold on to May's. 

She heard it again. “Amelia.” It was Phil. He was whispering the name as though he recognized it, as though he was trying to connect it to his memories, even though he didn't have them anymore. Their eyes met.

“May?”

And May felt her heart burst out of her chest, at the same time the world went dark around her, and she fell to the ground with a loud thud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guess right at the end of the last chapter? I bet y'all had hoped this would happen but couldn't have imagined that it would! So yes, this happened! It's real! Are you as psyched as I am?   
> I was just missing him so much and couldn't keep him out of this story any longer. I understand some people will quit reading this story now, it did become a bit insane at this point, and therefore I'm even more glad and appreciative of all the people who are still willing to read. Thanks for joining me on this crazy ride!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy y'all enjoyed that little plottwist! I can assure you, this IS him, though. I can't hurt you like that.  
> Also, I've recently started watching Star Wars for the first time, do you think LMD Coulson, as he will be in S7, will be making some comments about him being a droid? As the big nerd that he is, I can't imagine him not wishing, even if it was a little, that he was C-3PO.

Her back hurt, her neck felt stiff, and her head was throbbing painfully. She carefully opened her eyes and had expected to be met by blinding white lights but saw only a few soft lights, and one worried face above her that she recognized immediately. 

“Melinda, just stay down. Take it slow.”

May wasn't sure why she was asleep in Sarah's office, but she had had the best dream she'd had in a while. Phil had stood in this very same office and he had looked so good and May felt love spread through her cold heart. 

Oh. She missed him so. She wanted to stop dreaming about him, she really did, because it only made things harder, but she did love seeing him, even if it was just inside her head.

“Amy…”

“She's safe. How are you?”

“I saw Phil… in my dream… I… think I might have skipped my medication this morning. I might have hallucinated.”

A frown appeared between Sarah's brows and she shook her head.

“No, Melinda. You weren't hallucinating.”

Sarah moved aside and May saw, although her vision was 90 degrees turned, the figure of a man on a seat not far from her. May heard Amy playing in the background.

“Mel,” the figure whispered. He sounded a lot like Phil.

They stayed like that for a while, May's head continuing with throbbing, and the man remained in the seat. That was, until he suddenly moved forwards and one of his hands was brushing her hair away and that's when she realized-

It wasn't a dream. She hadn't imagined Phil in a beautiful dream. 

It had been real. 

He was here.

“Phil…”

She sat up immediately and saw stars and she lost her balance for a moment, falling forwards into his arms.

His arms. His strong, beautiful arms, that she had felt around her for decades, that had helped her through her worst nightmares, and that she'd had to miss for two and a half years. 

This was him. It was him.

“How is this…”

“I don't know half of it myself. But… I remember you. And Amelia. And… something with a flower? A lily, or-”

“Daisy,” May breathed. Realization flashed through his clear blue eyes and he nodded.

“Daisy. That's right. What's Daisy?”

But she didn't want to explain anything. Right now, she just wanted to get lost in the feel of him around her, her face pressed against his chest, his heartbeat grounding her, even if it was frantic.

She had wanted to do this for so long. She had even imagined she had hugged him like this when she had died, had seen him in heaven and it had felt so real because she had known he was dead and she had known that  _ she _ was dead. It was the only logical explanation. But perhaps now, in hindsight, it might have all been her imagination. Because clearly, he didn't die, and clearly he was here.

But… what if he was an alien or something? A robot that had taken his form. She pushed away a little to look him in the eye. 

“What else do you remember?”

"Not much."

"Do you remember the Cavalry?"

It took awhile for him to respond. Very few people knew of this painful chapter in her life, and even fewer people knew the name hurt her. If he remembered this… it must be him.

His face fell before he responded.

“Bahrain?”

Yes! It was him! It had to be him! She pushed her face against his chest again and his arms wrapped around her tightly and she sighed in bliss.

Finally.  _ Finally. _

She knew there was still a chance that this wasn't him, and that her heart would be broken once again, but the need to believe, the desperation for things to return to relative normalcy, was bigger than the need to be realistic and wary. She had wished so much to be in his arms again.

“I don't remember anything outside of you and Amelia.”

She shook her head. It didn't matter. He remembered the most important bits and that was all that mattered.

He lifted her onto the surface she had been laying on before and he moved away, she protested, but he kissed her forehead and came back within seconds with a glass of water.

“Are you okay, Melinda?” Sarah asked. She had taken a seat a little way away and had observed the scene. 

“I am now.”

May reached for Phil's hand and didn't let him go. She would never let him go.

That was when she remembered.

“Amelia?”

Sarah nodded and got up, only to return to the scene with Amelia next to her, holding hands, Amy's free thumb in her mouth. She was tired, May knew that, but something in her seemed to have been interested in what was happening.

She whispered for him. She had seen Phil before May had and she had whispered ‘Daddy’. She had recognized him from the Daddy doll.

Amy rushed over to May and fell into her arms, who pulled her into her lap and turned towards Phil.

“Amy, this is your Daddy.”

Phil seemed only a bit surprised, but he must have known the connection between ‘Amelia’ and ‘daughter’. Perhaps he had only remembered the name. No matter. May would just introduce them now.

“Daddy?”

Phil smiled and nodded, reaching out a hand towards the little girl. Phil had always been so good at adapting to weird situations, and May didn't want to think about how weird this must be for him. 

Amy looked at his hand for a while, wondering whether she should react to it. But eventually, she pushed away from her mother's hold and walked the last few steps to Phil, only to accept his arms around her and be lifted onto the couch between May and Phil.

May felt her head swim.

This was a sight she had never thought she would ever see. Amelia Ju Coulson, in the arms of Phillip J. Coulson, the two a little reluctant of each other at first, before giving in to the no doubt undeniable connection that they had. Just like May and Phil.

“I don't think I still quite believe what I'm seeing,” Sarah said. May agreed with her completely. 

But they had time to figure out what had happened to Phil later.

“Will you come home with me?” May asked him. He visibly hesitated - it must be odd, to have nothing in your head except for two names, and to suddenly have this clearly insane woman ask you if you would come to her house. But he nodded. He smiled and nodded. He was in there somewhere. She just needed to pull him out.

“Take it slow with him, alright,” Sarah warned her as she dismissed them both. “Too much at once might damage his brain.”

“I'll be careful.”

“And please keep taking your medication. It's too strong to stop abruptly. We'll work on it together.”

Sarah cancelled her appointment again, much to May's joy, and she linked hands again with the man of her dreams, their baby girl on his hip enthusing about her Daddy, and she realized, surely, she must have died. For this to have happened, for this to be real, she must have died. As he sat down in the car, she couldn't stop looking at him. She strapped Amy into her car seat in the back, the girl babbling at her. May looked at him again.

She wanted to give him space, he must be confused, trying to sort out his memories. She couldn't imagine what he must be thinking now.

She sat down in the driver's seat and they were silent for a few moments.

“What are we?” he asked her after a while. “I mean… you're there in my memories but… I don't remember what we were together.”

“We were a lot.” She looked at Amy through the rearview mirror. The girl must also be surprised to see the person from her Daddy doll in real life, but she seemed to have already accepted it.

“Is Amelia your daughter?” Phil asked her. May nodded. “So… she's  _ our _ daughter.”

She let him register that information while she drove off. 

What was happening? She had driven here earlier that morning to discuss her feelings about him dying, and she was leaving with him in the passenger seat. She pinched herself at the nearest traffic lights and looked to her side. He was smiling at her, as though more memories were coming up, as though suddenly he understood what they had been.

“I think I was in love with you,” he said. She felt butterflies in her belly and had to keep her mouth shut. She might tell him things that he wasn't ready to hear yet. She had to take it slow. She heard Sarah's words in the back of her head. “Were you in love with me?”

May nodded. “I still am.”

They were silent the entire ride home, but she couldn't help but glance to her side from time to time.

The initial shock had worn off. She was still uncertain what had happened, how he was still here. She had remembered waking up to his dead body, seeing him in the morgue, burying him, he had died, and yet he was here.

Perhaps miracles did exist?

“Did I live here?” he asked her as they walked up to her apartment. Amy was running along in front of them, her tiredness seemingly forgotten. May looked at Phil and shook her head.

“We, uhm… we weren't living together.”

“But we had a child together?”

“It's a long story.”

He smiled faintly and nodded. “I'm listening.”

“Let's, uh… get you inside first. There's someone I'd like you to meet.”

Amy had already pushed open the front door, indicating Daisy was home. May's heart started racing in her chest. She should have warned the young woman. She might suffer a heart attack.

“Cay cay!” May heard Amy yell, her tiny feet tapping on the hardwood floors. “Daddy!”

May entered first, Phil right behind her. Daisy came out of her room with a frown on her face.

“Mel? You're back early, did something happen?”

May hesitated, but stepped aside, fully revealing Phil. Daisy went pale and for a moment, May thought she would faint. She was walking towards her when Daisy opened her mouth and screamed. Screamed at the top of her lungs. It startled Amy so much that the girl started crying and was running to her mother.

“Daisy, please-”

“Daisy,” Phil muttered. Daisy was frozen to the floor and just stared at Phil, like May had done at Sarah's office earlier. “Daisy.”

And before May could warn Daisy to take it slow with him, to allow him to adjust and get his bearings, Daisy was in Phil's arms and was seemingly hugging him until he would break. Apparently, he didn't mind. 

“We've done this before,” he said, pulling away slightly. Daisy looked from May to Phil and to May again.

“Mel? What's happening?”

That was exactly what May was still trying to figure out.

“Uhm… he doesn't remember anything.”

“I remember bits,” Phil added, having successfully disentangled himself from Daisy's arms. “I… there's a lot of blank, but I remember waking up and… not remembering anything. I didn't know who I was, where I was…”

May guided him to the couch and Daisy fetched a glass of water. But before he could continue, May remembered that Amy had been very tired and needed to go to bed first.

“Don't go anywhere!” she said, picking up a protesting Amy and quickly got her changed and tucked in, before rushing back to Phil and Daisy.

Damn. It had been years since she'd last seen this sight before her. She couldn't imagine she would ever see this again. She took in a deep breath, fighting the tears, and then sat down and he continued talking.

“I didn't remember anything. It was really scary, at first… I went to the police but they couldn't help me either. I didn't have a name, so… they didn't have any records of me. So I just… went on with my new life, still no clue who I was. But with small stuff, I remembered things. Like… a woman with dark hair wearing a leather jacket beating someone senseless. Or, or, earthquakes at random times. Does that ring a bell for you?”

May looked at Daisy, who was hiding her smile behind her hand. May felt love spread through her. No matter what had happened to him, no matter how much of himself he had forgotten, he still remembered them, at least in his subconscious they were still there. May, beating the crap out of the bad guys and Daisy quaking them out of the way.

“I'm sorry if I don't remember everything. I'm trying my best. But I haven't remembered anything this substantial since starting therapy with Sarah.”

Daisy looked at May, her eyes widened, and May nodded. Daisy let out a breath she was holding and sat back in her chair.

“Man, you guys were meant to see each other again.”

May smiled faintly and looked at Phil, for the first time since this all happened really seeing him.

He looked… healthy. Surprisingly healthy. He had a nice color to his skin and his eyes were shining, his hair was thinner than she remembered, but he looked healthy. Good. She was still uncertain how to feel in this situation. 

“So, about us…” he started, looking at May. “We were… involved, yeah?”

She nodded.  _ You could say that… _

“How long did we know each other? Was it like a spur of the moment kind of thing?”

“No, we, uh… we had known each other for over three decades. We had been coworkers all this time, good friends, and… uh… I had already had a crush on you for a while, and, but… I married another man and that had been the end, apparently. You had tried asking me out before but then you stopped.”

“Andrew…”

She bit her lip and nodded again. Her heart hurt when she thought of Andrew. And she felt ashamed to admit it had felt nothing compared to the murderous pain that she had felt when Phil had died. 

And it did things to her she couldn't quite describe to know that Phil had taken Andrew's name when he hadn't had anything to go by except for random snippets of a past life. Phil had always disliked Andrew, not because Andrew wasn't loveable because he was, but because Andrew had gotten the girl that Phil had wanted. He acted polite around him, but May could tell Phil really didn't like Andrew.

“I married Andrew. And… a lot of things went downhill from there, it's a long story…”

“I'm still listening.” She had missed that playful tone so much, she had missed those blue eyes flickering when they looked at her. She missed seeing that cheeky grin.

So she told him everything. Everything he wanted to know. About Bahrain, the Avengers, New York, being revived, T.A.H.I.T.I., the Bus and Fitzsimmons and Ward, Hydra rising again, SHIELD falling, Skye getting her Inhuman powers, Ghost Rider, AIDA, the Framework, going to the future and returning to protect the world from shattering into a billion pieces, Fitz dying. Going to the real Tahiti to live out his last moments, finding out May was pregnant, living just long enough to see Amelia on an ultrasound and then dying, in May's arms. May had to keep herself from shaking at the memory.

“I… I died?”

May nodded. She looked away and cleared her throat. Daisy had gotten May some tea and herself and Phil coffee. Daisy knew them all so well.

“Now I get why you were all so shocked to see me.”

May and Daisy were silent. Nobody would believe them if they told this story. Phil was dead, there was no way around that. And yet here he was, trying to crack some jokes, but with most of his memory deleted.

“I don't remember dying. But, uh… I'm starting to remember you and me, in a hammock on a tropical island-”

Daisy got up and walked away with a blush on her cheeks, fleeing into Amy's room, probably under the pretense of checking up on her baby sister. Phil looked after her, confused, before meeting May's eyes.

“I'm so happy to see you,” she whispered, her hands holding onto each other to stop them from shaking too much. She still couldn't believe it.

“I'm happy to see you, too. I finally feel like I'm getting some of the old me back.”

“I'm glad that we were able to spark some of your memories.”

“What did you say my name was?”

“Phil. Phillip J. Coulson.”

She let that sink in and looked at his expression. It didn't seem to ring a bell, except for the few times May and Daisy had called him Phil since he had appeared in their lives again.

“Melinda?”

“Hmm?”

“Were we, uh…” He pointed at his own hand, where his wedding ring was still showing. She felt a wave of emotion wash over her. He still had his wedding ring. She looked at her own hand and saw her own ring, matching his.

This confirmed his presence even more. Perhaps a robot or alien could have acquired information about her to try and blend in. But nobody aside from her knew of his ring. And of what was engraved inside of hers.

“Yeah, we were married.”

He let out a breath and lowered his hands, a smile on his face. “How did I end up with someone so beautiful?”

It took a few moments for those words to settle in, but they had reached the depths of her heart when she fully realized what he had said, and she felt tears on her cheeks before she could stop them, and covered her mouth with her hand.

“Oh, I'm… I'm sorry, did I say something bad?”

She shook her head and let the tears fall. 

“I lost you,” she whispered. “I nearly killed myself. And now… you're here. I just… can't believe it yet.”

He nodded and they sat like that for a while. She closed her eyes. Perhaps this was all just a dream. She would open her eyes and she would be back in bed, depressed, trying to fight the urge to get angry at herself and the world for taking Phil away from her. She opened her eyes, and saw Phil sitting next to her now.

He gingerly wrapped an arm around her.

She let him envelop her in his arms and took in a deep breath and he smelled a little differently, not the same aftershave, but underneath the perfume it was still him. She cried in his arms and felt stupid about it but it felt cathartic, like she could finally let go of the past few years, let go of her pain.

He was here after all. He would support her. 

She got a small peek of the skin underneath his shirt while she was buried against his chest. The old scar was still there, the one from New York, but the new scars were gone - there were no blue lines tracing his chest, like cobwebs spreading out from his heart to the rest of his torso. His arms were clear, too.

She looked up at him and he was smiling softly, and she couldn't help herself anymore - she leaned up, put her hands in the back of his neck and linked their lips.

Yes. It was him. He still tasted the same, made the same tender movements with his hands in her hair, on her back. His tongue still teased her lips, and she smiled and let him in.

It was a familiar spark, and she practically melted in his arms. It wasn't until they heard Daisy reenter the room that they pulled away.

“Well, that is the second time I walked in on you two like this.”

Phil was smiling and still looking into May's eyes. She couldn't look away, at all, he was so beautiful and so alive and she loved him so much.

“Hopefully that made you remember some new things,” Daisy said.

Phil nodded, that cheeky smile still on his lips.

May would help him remember everything, even the bad parts, because that was what had made Phil Coulson, Phil Coulson. The good and the bad things mixed up to make some dorky, loyal and loving human being who had given his life for humanity, twice now, and who deserved a god damn break, for god's sake.

For now, she just stayed in his arms and let the warmth of his body spread throughout her own, filling parts that had been empty for long, warming others. She couldn't let go of him. She didn't have to.

The nightmare was over. She could throw her medication out of the window and say goodbye to Sarah. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So remember when I said that I had a LOT of this story finished thus far? I had so much finished that I couldn't even fit it into one document on Google Docs. (Which is my preferred doc editor because I refuse to pay for Word and also I can access this on any device if I want - not paid to say this, but it's recommended!) Anytime a document gets too big, it'll slow down and be impossible to work with so I've had to split this story up into four files - and this chapter is the ending of the first file. So, you know, there's a lot more in store for y'all. Take it or leave it.  
> Also, this chapter is short, I know, but idk, it just fit better this way? And also, I didn't feel like doing more work because I've been in a fight with the Dutch version of DHL for a few hours now because they claim my address doesn't exist so they took my package back with them? And you can't get me more pissed, honestly, mess up a package delivery and you unleash a demon out of me because I've had the WORST luck with that (mostly by DHL, tho - packages got lost or they delivered one in the bushes next to my house - which is NOT okay in my country). Anyway, long tangent, not necessary at all, but I just felt like y'all deserved to know why I'm in such a bad mood.  
> Also, happy Sunday! Also, S7 is almost upon us! Also, have you seen some of the press release pictures? Proud Daddy Coulson looking at Daisy is everything to me rn.

They talked and talked for hours, over coffee and tea and dinner and May watched Phil look at their little girl and it filled her heart with so much love, more love than she could have ever been capable of feeling over the past few years. Amy loved having her father around, even if it was a little awkward for Phil, but the girl seemed to have accepted the fact that he was here almost immediately and it convinced him to go along.

“Daddy, look! Big girl bed!”

“Oh,  _ now _ you're happy about your new bed,” May muttered, Daisy chuckling behind her. The two of them stood in the door frame watching Phil interact with Amy and May just couldn't stop smiling. Phil looked at them to ask for help, permission, whatever it was. May just nodded. She trusted Phil, implicitly, even with her daughter. 

Their daughter. These were their daughters. 

“Amy, Daddy will tuck you in, alright?” Amy asked. Amy jumped up and down in joy.

“Yes, Mommy!”

May showed Phil where Amy's PJ's were, her toothbrush and childproof toothpaste before leaving them alone for a while. She joined Daisy on the couch.

“Weird day.”

“Yeah.”

“How did this happen?”

“Honestly, I don't know. I'm just glad it did.”

May hugged Daisy briefly and their pain was lost, drifting out there in the universe somewhere. They were together now, May, Daisy, Amy and  _ Phil _ . There was no need for pain anymore, not now that Phil was back. He might not remember them fully, might not remember anything, but he was here and it definitely was him and he was slowly returning to them.

Phil stepped into the living room with a smile but it was obvious everything was still a little awkward for him.

“She wants you,” he told May, and she got up and walked into Amy's nursery, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, baby girl?”

“That Daddy?”

“Yes, that is Daddy.”

“Daddy heaven?”

She didn't know what to tell her daughter, so she just told her the truth.

“Apparently, Daddy is not in heaven.”

Amy nodded and reached for her Daddy doll. She seemed to realize at least a bit of the significance of what had happened that day, holding her doll, looking at the picture on the front.

“Okay. I love Daddy.”

May smiled and brushed Amy's hair. “I know you do. I love Daddy, too. And Daddy loves you.”

“I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you, too, baby girl.”

“And Cay Cay.”

“And Daisy, too. We all love you.”

Amy seemed satisfied at that and closed her eyes. Usually, May would read her a story, but it seemed unnecessary, as so much had happened, Amy was asleep within moments. May kissed Amy's forehead and tucked her in good, before turning on the nightlight by her bed and closing the door quietly behind her.

“So, now what?” Daisy asked the question that was on everyone's mind. It had been fun to hang out, more than fun, really, but was he ready to stay the night? She didn't have a guest room, so she would then sleep on the couch so he could have her bed. Or was he ready to sleep with her, perhaps without the intimacy that had been included in that package in the past? “Do you have a place to stay?”

Phil looked from May to Daisy and back. He shrugged.

“I, uh… was sort of hoping… wishing… I could stay here.”

May wanted to say yes,  _ say _ yes? She wanted to scream it! But at the same time, she understood how emotionally draining the day had been, with May having had a near mental breakdown in her therapist's office at the first sight of him, to Phil learning more about the memories that were no doubt still in his head. 

But just as she was about to say that she would call Sarah to discuss it with her, Phil smiled at her and she felt herself saying yes immediately. 

“I might have some spare clothes,” she whispered. Bullshit. She had kept some of his clothes, even if most of it had been destroyed by the fire. He didn't seem to have changed his figure so they should still fit him. He smiled brighter at her and she wished she could just jump him and kiss him all night long and maybe do some other things, but only if he was ready for it.

"I'll take the couch," May said, in an attempt to rationalize, bring a safe distance between them. He had only just met her, after all. She was in his memories but to him, she was a stranger.

Phil, however, would have none of it.

"If anyone sleeps on the couch, it's me. But…" He lowered his head, as if he were shy, and he was anything but. "We could, of course, if you want to… share the bed?"

She didn't have any words within her to argue him - she would love nothing more than to sleep alongside him, maybe even cuddle up to him.

"Nothing has to happen," he added quickly, in true Coulson-fashion. He was and always would be a gentleman. His soft smile when she nodded lifted her heart way up high.

And so it was that she had watched him tuck in their daughter and settle into her bed all in the same night, one of his old SHIELD shirts still fitting him perfectly, and she kept looking at his arms and falling in love with him more and wondering how the fuck this had happened and how it was possible that he was still here. That he hadn't died. That he had lived.

“Please tell me that you're real,” she whispered. He hadn't heard her, as he had lifted the covers, but he did look at her with a question mark on his face. 

She wouldn't survive if he turned out to be an imposter, a robot, an alien. To have him handed to her like this, only to be betrayed all the same, it would be too much to handle. He slipped out from underneath the covers and walked up to her.

“What was that?”

“You're real… right?”

He frowned at her and she shook her head.

“Please… I've been through too much… I want you to be real.”

“Okay, okay…” He put his hands on her upper arms and bent his knees so they could look each other in the eye. “Ask me something only the real Phil would know.”

She wrecked her brain but couldn't find anything that an imposter wouldn't know by doing some research. Then, it hit her. There was one detail that only Phil knew, and her parents, that wasn't in any file or on any website whatsoever. And even then, if they had read it somewhere, they wouldn't know how to pronounce it properly. The only person SHIELD related who had known what it was, was Erik Koenig, and he was, well... She hoped it was in Phil's memories somewhere, or she would send him away.

“What's my middle name?”

His face fell and he took back his hands. Her heart shattered and she already felt the darkness return, she had to sit down, she was shaking.

“Wait… Qiaolian.”

His pronunciation was exactly how she had taught him, when he had asked her about it while they had still been at the Academy. There was no way he could be faking that. There was no way a robot could know that.

She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face against his chest again, it was him, it really was, he was still here!

He carried her to the bed but she wouldn't let go of him enough to settle into bed, so he just let himself fall on top of the bed and shuffled in from there. She chuckled at the action - when he had still had enough strength, he had done that on Tahiti as well, when the only thing on her mind had been to get closer and closer and feel more skin against hers. He had looked like such a dork then, manoeuvring across the bed - he was no Greek god, but he was her hero, her everything. 

“You're really him.”

He nodded, pulled her closer and she sighed in bliss.

My god. 

“To imagine that this morning, I woke up with only a few bits of memory, going to therapy to draw out more, and now I get to go to bed knowing I have a wife and a child.”

“Two.”

“What?”

“We adopted Daisy.”

Strange, the things that happened in life. Perhaps the universe had realized that it had been too hard on Phil and her, had thrown too much in their direction, and was starting to compensate for it. 

“Melinda?”

She looked up at him and smiled brightly. She hadn't heard him say her name like that in a long time.

“I love you.”

Yes. Yes! 

“What makes you say that?” Because she was absolutely ecstatic to hear him say that, but she didn't want him to say it just because he thought she would want him to say that.

“It's kind of an instinct. My heart told me to do it.”

“I love you, too.”

He smiled brightly at her and she would have melted if she were standing. They shared a brief kiss before settling in for sleep.

He was asleep within minutes, the emotional overload of the day probably taking a toll on him. She watched him for a long time, as opposed to him, not quite ready to fall asleep yet, too hyped up.

There was still a tiny voice in the back of her mind that was telling her that this couldn't be true, that he was probably fake, an LMD or something. Yet even if he was, she had decided it was still better than nothing of him at all. She had been so lonely for years since she had buried him, she would take this little snippet of him with both hands. 

She traced all of his skin that was within her reach, until she reached his ring on his left hand. She looked up at his face before carefully taking off the ring to inspect it further. It looked similar to the one she had seen him wear on Tahiti, but it could still be copied by someone skilled. It didn't mean anything.

"I'm always with you," a voice whispered, his voice. She looked up - it appeared she had woken him when she had taken off his ring. "That's what's in your ring. I had it engraved."

She slipped his ring back on his finger silently and rested her head on his chest, his arm pulling her closer.

He was right. That was truly something only Phil Coulson could know. She had never told anyone, not even Daisy, of the inscription on the inside of her wedding ring - it was a lovely little secret between her and Phil, and it hadn't felt right to share with anyone. 

There was no one else who knew of it. So... this was really him. There was no doubt about it now. This was Phil Coulson, broken because of his lost memories, but him nonetheless. 

She smiled against his chest and closed her eyes.

She had never slept so well as she did that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a LOT more dark clouds on the horizon for poor May, but at least she's ready to believe that it's actually him. (Also next chapter will be some PG Philinda sexytimes. Keeping it clean though because I don't want to have to change the rating, but there will be some more sexytimes in the future... just saying.)  
> Also it feels liike my notes are longer than the actual chapter but oh well okay bye.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I might have accidentally lied about this chapter having some sexytimes... that will be next chapter. I wanted to post them as a whole but the chapter would simply be too long. Sorry about that!

She awoke in the early morning with a smile on her lips. She knew her dreams hadn't been too far from the truth, because she had slept inside his arms and he had still been alive.

She opened her eyes and reached beside her but found the bed otherwise empty. She shot up and she could feel shards of her heart already cutting into the surrounding organs. No. No. Don't tell me it was all a dream. She would end it right here, right now. 

But then she smelled eggs and bacon and frowned. Daisy didn't prepare that, ever, the smell made her sick. Amy was only two, she couldn't be the perpetrator. 

May rushed to the kitchen and found Phil at the counter, whistling while stirring into a pan, his sleep shirt wrinkled, the hem inside his waistband. 

She let out a sigh of relief and he heard, turning around and smiling at her. 

“Morning. Remembered my favorite breakfast.”

She had to sit down. The room was spinning around her. She felt his hands steady her and guide her to the kitchen table, where she sat down.

“Wow, you alright?”

“I thought you were gone.”

His hand brushed her cheek and she looked up into his beautiful clear blue eyes. It was only now, with the live view, that she realized how much Amelia looked like her father. With the brown-blue eyes and the dark brown hair and the gorgeous smile.

“I'm right here. Take a deep breath.”

She did as he told her and soon calmed down. He turned away for a few moments, before putting a plate in front of her with deliciously smelling eggs and bacon, and realized how long it had been since she had last eaten this. It was indeed his favorite breakfast, and she hadn't been able to stomach it since finding out she was pregnant and the morning sickness had taken the reins. After the birth, she couldn't bear to eat it because it reminded her too much of him.

She put a hand in the back of his neck and pulled him down to link their lips, just for confirmation, just to make sure this was real. He smiled against her lips and kneeled down, wrapping an arm around her to pull her close. She swooned, how could she not? The love of her life was still here and he was kissing her passionately and she had spent years thinking he was dead and apparently, he wasn't. 

She wished she could just pull him into her bedroom and confirm his presence some more. Feel his naked body against hers and have him kiss every inch of her body...

Screw Sarah and her taking it slow tactic. He had spent the night, for God's sake. They were beyond that. And they had had sex before. Maybe it would trigger some more memories.

“I remember more and more,” he whispered, pulling away to run his free hand through her hair. “Most of everything else is vague but you're in high definition. I wonder how I ever managed to forget you. You're… everything to me.”

It was the only thing she had really needed to hear from him. He hadn't said that, ever, not even before his death. She knew it was implied, but he had difficulty showing his emotions. Seems this second death had cleared some of that.

“Phil,” she breathed. He nodded and was about to put his arms underneath her to carry her to the bedroom when Daisy came into the kitchen, hand across her eyes.

“I better not see any unnecessary skin. Just came to grab some juice.”

May was still breathing heavily and Phil was looking at her intently. 

“Hey, don't let me stop you. Weirder things have happened. Just move it to the bedroom.”

No. May had a family now. She had a baby girl who was peacefully asleep now and waiting for her mother to hold her in her arms and cuddle with her. May couldn't be in bed with Phil even if she wanted to. She had to set an example.

“Later,” she whispered, and he kissed her cheek and pushed the plate closer. She smiled while lifting the eggs to her lips.

Well damn. Yesterday, she had been struggling for something to hold on to, something to help keep her head above water. Today, she was kissing Phil Coulson again and eating his favorite breakfast.

He got himself a plate, too, and sat down beside her.

“Phil, I'm so happy you're here.” She knew she had already said that. She didn't care. The statement still applied. She kissed his cheek whenever he got close enough, and didn't even care that Daisy sat in the kitchen, too.

“You didn't make me eggs?” Daisy asked, half offended. 

“You don't even like eggs,” May deadpanned.

“True. But you guys didn't even ask.”

“Because you don't like eggs,” Phil joined the argument. “Why would I make eggs if you're not gonna eat them?”

Daisy rolled her eyes. May had seen this many times before, especially in the past years. Daisy was acting like a teenager all over again, probably copying the behavior from her classmates, but May knew she was beyond discipline now. And anyway, May had found it a little hard to scold the person who she depended on so much.

“Don't you roll your eyes at me," Phil stated, his tone serious. 

They were all silent for a while, May eating her breakfast with mild amusement. Then, Daisy smiled and leaned in to hug Phil.

“I'm happy you're back.”

She left the kitchen smiling, her glass filled too much with her juice, drips escaping over the edge. Phil looked at where Daisy had left the room, then looked back at May.

“What just happened?”

“She just got disciplined.”

“She's not supposed to be loving it like that.”

“She'll only like it now. Give it a few weeks and she'll be begging you'd leave the house.”

She shut up as soon as she had said that. No. She didn't mean that. She didn't want him to leave. Please, don't let it be jinxed. Please, let him stay.

“So you're saying you never disciplined her?” Phil asked, changing the subject. “No wonder she's like this.”

“I was a little… occupied.” Fucking depressed is what she had been. Survival had been her primary target, disciplining any of her girls was the least of her problems. 

“Hey. Are you okay?”

She was now. She saw the boxes of her pills in the cupboard Daisy had left open. She didn't want to take them anymore. But Sarah had warned that she should take them, and after all, she was the professional. 

“I'm sorry, it's just… I really didn't know how to do all this stuff without you by my side. And then I got diagnosed with my depression and I just… needed to make sure everybody stayed alive. I… even ignored Amy sometimes, just to make sure that I would keep my wits. And now… you're here. And… I doubt I've ever been happier.”

He smiled at her and she felt the familiar butterflies in her stomach and was about to lean in to kiss him when Amy strutted into the kitchen. She briefly reminded May of a 1950s cowboy.

“Morning, Mommy.”

It took May a minute to realize what was happening - the girl had always waited for May to show up in her room and open the blinds and wish her a happy morning. The girl's days weren't complete without it.

“Morning, Daddy.”

She said it so casually that it worried May a little. Perhaps Amy wasn't as accepting of the idea of her father being here as May thought at first. Of course she wouldn't be, though. Amy must feel like she had to share her mother now.

When Amy passed them, May couldn't help but reach her arm out and lift the little girl into her lap.

“Morning, baby girl.”

Amy struggled out of May's arms and it broke her heart and she looked at Phil, who watched the scene with some worry in his eyes.

“Amelia?”

Amy climbed onto the couch without further addressing either of them. May felt like hyperventilating. Her baby girl had never ignored her like that. Amelia had always been happy to see her and to spend time in her arms and she had never passed up an opportunity to tell her mother that she loved her.

May looked at Phil, who nodded and cleared their plates. He left the kitchen.

May sat down on the couch beside Amy and looked at the little girl. She seemed well-rested, more so than the previous weeks, ever since introducing the big girl bed. She didn't seem angry, or else Amy would have definitely cried because she was often unable to control her emotions. (She was still just a kid.)

May couldn't very well ask her what was wrong. Amy was too young to be explaining what was bothering her. So she just settled for brushing Amy's sleep-tousled hair and setting her facial expression at soft and understanding - even if she didn't understand what was going on.

“I love you, baby girl,” May whispered.

“No.”

“Yes I do. Of course I do. You're my baby girl, remember? Mommy will always love you.”

“Daddy…”

“He loves you, too.”

“No… Mommy love Daddy.”

And suddenly, it clicked. Of  _ course _ . Amy was jealous. May had only had eyes for Phil the previous day (hopefully understandably), but that didn't make sense in Amy's two-year-old rhetoric. In Amy's mind, she probably only saw May talking to Phil and not paying attention to her and she had felt left out.

Besides, she had seen her mother freak out and faint onto the carpet and that must have been tough to watch.

May pulled Amy onto her lap, even though the girl protested a little. She settled down eventually. 

“Mommy loves you all equally. Mommy loves Daddy, and Daisy, and  _ you _ ,” she whispered, booping Amy's nose. “Just because Daddy is here now doesn't mean I love you any less, baby girl. I just… I was surprised yesterday, to see Daddy. I thought I wouldn't see him again. But there he was. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry you feel a little left out. But things will get better from now on, I can feel it. Daddy will take care of Mommy when she's sad and that means more happy Mommy for Amy.”

“Me too?”

“What?”

“Daddy take care of Amy?”

“Of course, baby girl. That's what Daddy's for.”

“Yay!” 

Amy chuckled and wrapped her arms around May's neck. They sat like that for a while, and May felt her heart get put back together. This wasn't the end of it, she doubted. But at least this first crisis was avoided.

“Melinda?” Phil asked, returning to the kitchen. “I don't have any clothes here.”

He stood a little awkwardly, still in his PJ's, and she just had to smile at the sight. But then she realized what it was that he was saying. 

“I'll have to go back to my apartment to get some more. If, at least… you want me to stay.”

“Do you want to stay?”

“That's not what I asked.”

They were silent for a long time, Amy playing with May's hair. Suddenly, everything seemed much heavier. She didn't want to force him down, she knew how much he hated that. She didn't want to force out more memories and hurt him in the process, go too big too soon.

But she didn't want him to leave. She didn't want to let him go and lose him all over again.

He sat down beside her and Amy looked at him before May did.

“You know you can come with me.”

She nodded and buried her face once again in Amy's hair. It was easy to hide there, the girl seemingly blessed with a big headful of hair. 

“I'm scared, Phil. I've been so empty without you… so empty I found myself sitting on a bridge one day just… I just… I don't want to lose you.”

“You won't, Melinda.”

“You don't know that.”

“No, that's true. But I've found you now, and I keep finding myself more every time you smile at me, and I don't want to give that up. Even if I leave now, I'll always come back. I promise. At least, I'll try.”

Amy shuffled out of May's arms eventually to play with her toys. May shouldn't forget to give her something to eat… Phil was brushing Amy's hair and May had wanted this for so long, Amy's father to be there with her and love her, too, so that it wasn't just her messed up mother raising her.

“Melinda… if all this has showed me something, it's that we're supposed to be together.”

She nodded and he leaned in to kiss her and god, she just wanted to be here all day long, with him, wrap her arms around him and kiss him senseless and-

“Mommy, I'm hungry.”

Duty calls. She pulled away from Phil, it was almost impossible, but he simply kissed her again, briefly, before pulling away.

“Don't worry too much,” he whispered. “I'm here now.”

He walked away and May was now alone with Amy, who was stood by her high chair, rocking back and forth on her feet. Amy waved at Phil as he passed with a big smile on her face.

“Yes, you are,” May whispered. She prepared Amy's oatmeal with the girl's happy babbling in the background. “But for how long?”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is significantly longer than the others! No particular reason for that, I guess, aside from maybe a celebration that the Season 7 premiere is less than a week away?  
> Also, how's everyone liking the regular updates? I hope to keep this up for a while but as I work in aviation and work is slowly picking up again, I might not always manage to upload every other day. Don't fret! I'll try to get you your fixes ASAP!

Eventually they decided that Phil would go to his place alone and collect some of his stuff from there. May had a lot to do anyway, so it might be better in the end not to be distracted by him. Even though she was already distracted by the mere idea of him.

It was Amy's standard day of daycare so May decided to just go with it, even if she realized Phil might like to spend some more time with the girl. Amy had shown that morning that she wasn't handling the situation as well as May had thought at first so a bit of routine would probably do her well.

Sarah called her after she had dropped off Amy, and May took in a deep breath. She had to continue with her therapy sessions, she knew that, but now that Phil was here, she didn't feel the need for it anymore.

“Hey, Melinda. How are you doing?”

“I'm fine.”

May sat down in her car and they were quiet for a while.

“You don't sound fine.”

She wasn't sure she was. She was happy, incredibly so, at the sight of Phil in her apartment with Amy in his arms - but she couldn't turn off the feeling that something bad was going to happen, like this was just a mirage, her mind playing tricks on her, giving her what her heart wanted most before taking it all away, definitively killing her.

“I'm scared.”

“Of Phil?”

May shook her head. 

“Of losing him again.”

“Do you think you'll lose him soon?”

“I have a bad feeling.”

Sarah was quiet again, and May leaned back in the seat.

“Are you still taking your medication?”

“What does it matter if I do?”

“Because you will make matters worse if you don't take them.”

“Phil is back, though. I don't need therapy anymore.”

“We can discuss that in your next session. Did Phil remember anything else?”

May was still reeling from Sarah's first statement - she felt so angry, she didn't need therapy anymore! The entire reason she was in therapy was Phil's death, and he was still here! Of course, Sarah knew what she was doing but it was hard to believe now. She didn't want to sit in Sarah's office and talk about her loss and what it did to her while everything seemed okay now. 

“He stayed the night. He remembers more and more.”

“Well, that's good. I still want you to keep an eye on him, yourself too. I would like to invite you both for a session together, to talk about what happened and maybe try and get a sense of the occured events. Will you be okay with that?”

“I guess.”

“I won't hold you two back, I can imagine how happy you are to be together again. Just… don't push things. Don't force out memories. Go with your instincts, because I know at least yours are right.”

Again, silence. May noticed some people were looking at her intently, and realized she didn't have a good track record with this parking lot. 

“Am I insane, Sarah?”

“Insane?”

“I still have a bad feeling about this all.”

“You're certainly not insane, Melinda. You have been through a lot, you're traumatized. He died and now he came back and even I am still confused about everything. It's alright to be confused. I certainly won't blame you.”

“But…”

“Hey, as a friend, I'm telling you, just let it take you wherever you want to go. We'll talk about the details later.”

May wasn't surprised to hear Sarah's admission. Of course, they had a professional relationship, but they had been through a lot together, and May did see Sarah as a friend of sorts. Maybe she didn't need therapy soon, but she would feel a little sad not to speak to Sarah anymore.

“Take care of him, and don't push anything. Call me if you have any questions.”

“Thank you, Sarah.”

May drove home with a thousand thoughts running through her head. 

So, summary: Phil Coulson was still alive, with only a few percent of his memory, but he was still here. May had to keep taking her antidepressants even though she felt she wouldn't need them anymore. And instead of embracing the chance she got to be with him, she was only worrying about the future, knowing that this couldn't be permanent. 

She found Phil sitting on the floor in front of her front door. He was wearing a clean shirt now, jeans too, and she had always loved his casual looks, though his suits looked good on him, too. She loved that she could see his strong muscles underneath a plain T-shirt.

A flight bag was standing on the ground beside him. It looked quite full. She wondered briefly how long he would stay, if she would be able to keep him here when he realized how messed up she was.

He got up when he saw her and was already smiling brightly.

God. He was exactly as she had remembered him, gorgeous, manly, muscular, although he had probably lost some weight. That beautiful smile of his would get him anything. God. She wanted to be with him. Wanted to kiss him, hug him, make love with him.

He probably didn't want to. He must be overwhelmed. He had found a family in the timespan of a day, so he probably wanted to get his bearings. 

Still. Kissing couldn't hurt.

She ignored the feeling of dread in her lower belly and returned his smile, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. He responded eagerly and embraced her, even lifting her off the ground for a few moments. It triggered the butterflies in her belly - Phil hadn't been able to lift her like that back on Tahiti. He had been too weak.

"May," he breathed, and excitement ran through her veins, he hadn't pushed her away yet, he seemed to be equally excited. 

He pulled away to say something but she didn't let him, pushing him against the door and linking their lips again. 

She heard Sarah's words in the back of her head - she could let this take her where she wanted it to take her. And her preferred end destination was them making love.

“Amelia?” Phil whispered, his hand slipping underneath her shirt. 

“Daycare,” May pressed out, reaching behind him to open the door. She was fumbling with her keys quite a bit but he hardly seemed to notice. She kicked his bag inside and shut the door behind them.

“Daisy?”

“School.”

He put his hands in the back of her knees and swept her off her feet in one fluid movement.

And now she wondered briefly when all this would be going south, because she knew it would, it always did. She had once thought she might be able to have a happy, healthy, safe life, with the man who was currently holding her and some little ones running around them. Then he had died and she'd had their baby and it felt almost happy, good, until many more things turned sour and the only way for her to feel a semblance of calm was by taking medication.

“You worry too much,” he whispered, carefully guiding her to her bed. He kissed the skin in her neck and she let out a sigh. “I know you're worrying. Don't think too much, just… feel.”

And so she did. Or tried to, at least. He was pushing her shirt off her shoulders, nipped the naked skin there. She was sensitive there and her Phil knew that, but this current Phil kept missing the spot by a few inches. She put her finger on the spot, only a little embarrassed to be so open about the places that made her lose control - he grabbed a hold of her hips and sucked the spot, and she moaned out of reflex.

He pulled her even closer and she felt him against her belly, and she hadn't realized how much she'd missed this until it was right in front of her. (She wished she could just drop down on her knees and, well... but his hands didn't let her leave.)

She wondered, only fleetingly, what could have been between her and David. Would they have connected sexually the way she did with Phil? 

He sucked that spot again and she wrapped her arms around him because the anticipation was just too great, she just wanted the necessary pieces of clothing out of the way-

She felt her heart, skipping multiple beats in her chest, she felt the butterflies in her stomach, a warmth spreading lower.

But again, the fear came up from her toes and she tried to push it down, he was kissing her and they were about to make love and she hadn't done that since he had died.

She looked into his eyes. She knew he could see everything that she was trying to hide. He had always been able to see through her mask, no one ever had. Perhaps that was why they had connected so well, he wasn't afraid to uncover shit, of calling her out on her BS.

“Snap out of it, May.”

Her eyes widened, because he had said that before, a version of him. She remembered feeling something familiar at those words, even if they hadn't known each other in the Framework. She had felt a connection with him she couldn't explain. (Only when they were out did she realize it was because she was in love with him.)

He wrapped an arm around her because she had been pulling back slightly. She looked into those deep blue eyes… and damn. She had never been as much in love with anyone as she was with him. Her knees gave out and it was pathetic but she loved it when he caught her with a grin, lowering her onto the bed, kissing her naked skin, revealing more and more of it.

"I don't remember-"

She kissed him deeply, sensually. Of course he wouldn't remember what they were like together, the sensitive spots all around her body that he had discovered through careful, pleasurable exploration. The way she could make him scream. (How it was usually her screaming.) But surely he must know what sex was like.

She would show him. 

She wrapped her arms around him tightly and just gave in. She had always trusted him more than anyone else in her life, including herself.

~...~

Everything was foggy in his head, he didn't even remember his own name, not unless this woman reminded him of it every once in a while.

But this woman… Melinda May. 

She seemed to be in the center of everything. His heart had skipped a beat when he had first laid eyes on her because there was something in him that remembered her. As though his memories might have been deleted but his heart could never forget the place she'd had in it. 

And she was so beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. He had spent much of the past night just staring at her, wondering how he had gotten so lucky to have her. What had he done to deserve her? Save her life? Probably. Maybe. But she didn't seem the damsel-in-distress type of woman, so she probably wouldn't accept it if anyone did such a thing for her.

He felt bad for not knowing all of the things that spurred her on. She seemed to know exactly how to touch him to drive him mad, and he was desperately trying to bring her along. 

His body remembered the moves, learned quickly, the pressure point between her neck and shoulder that made her moan, and distant blurs started getting clearer. Of her on a deserted island, just in a light summer dress without underwear, wading in the ocean. Of her, in a hammock in his arms, sleepy but smiling. Of her… throwing up in the mornings... feeling her belly swell below his hands, with their unborn baby safely tucked away in her womb...

"Phil…" she breathed, moaned, as he kissed her breasts, his hands stroked her thighs. He looked up and realized why his heart had not forgotten about her.

He had to take in a deep breath not to break down and cry.

She was so perfect. He couldn't believe that she was his wife, that they had two beautiful children together. She was struggling, but he would make sure she got the best care that he could provide to her. After all, he was her husband. That's what husbands did.

He lifted her shirt and kissed her lower belly, and then saw a faint thin line just above her waistband. He looked at it, a little scared - she was gorgeous but still covered in scars and bruises, and he was certain each had its own story. He kissed this line and looked up at her.

He had an inkling what this scar was from but he didn't want to come across as stupid. 

"Is this…?"

She nodded curtly, although her mind seemed to be otherwise occupied. "C-section," she breathed.

My god. He couldn't look away anymore. This scar was all the more visible proof that this beautiful woman, this body, had created such a beautiful little girl. There were some stretch marks on her belly, too, proving that a baby had been conceived and grown in there.

"I love you," he whispered, and it was true. He didn't know anything else but he did know that he loved her. 

Her eyes filled with tears and she pulled him up, no doubt to mask her emotions. 

He smiled and kissed her and all rational thoughts left his mind. 

~...~

He had not disappointed, and while it was different in some ways, it was still as good as she remembered. He still kissed her, cradled her face, he still felt the same way inside her, and he had quickly learned what made her eyes roll back in her head. In that regard, he was still Phil. He was very good at adapting to unfamiliar situations. 

God. He had made her cry, it had felt so scary to let go but he had managed to convince her that he would be there for her. And god, he had made her feel so good.

“I remember that,” he whispered, and she could hear the smile in his voice. She lay in his arms, her head on his chest and her fingers drawing circles on his belly. He was still slightly out of breath. She couldn't help but smile at his words. “I don't remember you being so flexible, though.”

She blushed and he chuckled. She wasn't actually that flexible, she felt her muscles and back already aching, but she had been so happy to have him back like this that she hadn't been able to stop herself.

And she wasn't oblivious to the fact that she had been celibate since his death. She had kissed David a few times, when she had still been dating him, but anything other than some relatively tame kisses had been quite out of the question. She hadn't been ready. But now she realized how much she had missed sex - but only with Phil.

“Sarah told me not to force any memories out of you.” She was doing quite badly on that front.

“You didn't force me into anything. I came willingly." He was quiet, until she could see, even in the dim light, sparks in his eyes. So familiar. "Pun intended.”

She laughed at that. She wondered how much of his personality was his memories and how much was just in his cells. He must still only remember five percent of his past, tops, but he was still the same Phil he had always been, including the flirting and the puns.

“What else do you remember?”

“That you like looking at me while we're making love.”

She blushed again and shook her head. He chuckled.

“Not about me, you idiot. About other things.”

He remained silent and she looked at him. His smile was gone now and she regretted having brought it up. She scooted upwards so they were on the same eye level and already opened her mouth to apologize, when he shook his head.

“I don't. Not yet, anyway. I remember you… a lot about you, not everything, I think. But I don't remember Daisy being our daughter, not before you telling me. And… I don't remember Amelia, except for her name.”

He looked at her. May didn't want to explain anything before he was ready. But she really wanted to tell him, how loving he had been towards their unborn baby, how well he had looked after May despite being bedridden himself. So now, she was simply waiting for him to ask the question. Somehow, she knew it was close.

“Did I meet her before?”

May shook her head.

“You died before she was born. But you did live long enough to see her on an ultrasound.”

She might still have it somewhere. After the fire, she hardly remembered what had been destroyed and what was still in working pieces. She got up, rummaged through her drawers, and was almost shocked to find exactly what she was looking for. She handed it to him before crawling back into bed. 

“She seemed… quite tiny,” Phil said, taking in the sight before him. 

“She still is smaller than her peers. She got that from me.”

Phil smiled, still looking at the picture. It wasn't stirring any memories, she could tell, but he did like seeing the picture.

“But she's well spoken for someone her age. She got that from you. She can pick up words very well, I even managed to teach her some Mandarin.”

“What's Mandarin?”

Oops. No forcing, Melinda. 

“It's, uh, a form of Chinese.” When he still didn't show any sign of recognition, she just shook her head. “It's a different language. My mother's first language.”

“You speak more than one language? Cool.”

_ You do, too _ , she wanted to say, but she couldn't force more memories out.

“You think my mother would accept me to be Chinese and not speak Chinese?”

He shrugged. “Did I ever meet your mother?”

“Lots of times, actually. You didn't really like each other.”

He frowned. “I can't imagine that. What's not to like about the woman who made you?”

“Try keeping that up if you ever meet her.”

She already envisioned Lian May and Phil Coulson seeing each other again after many years, now with him married to her daughter and having fathered a kid. Lian would be pissed to learn that her daughter had married  _ Phil Coulson _ . (Her mother had always liked Andrew more.)

“Do you have more pictures of Amelia?”

“Not here, no. You can ask Daisy, she'll have a bunch on her phone.”

“You don't have pictures of your child? I definitely pictured you as the mom to take pictures of everything her offspring did.”

She rolled her eyes but didn't respond. She knew the reason why she didn't have any pictures on her phone - aside from the fact that she wasn't good with technology.

“Phil, I… after you died, I… I've been battling depression for a while now. That's why I'm in therapy.”

He nodded in understanding. She knew he knew - Sarah had explained it to him. But perhaps he didn't quite understand the true meaning of her depression.

“I… I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I knew, but… I guess I didn't understand how deep it went.”

She nodded and brushed the top of his head.

“I'm sorry for bringing it up.”

“No, you're good, Melinda. I'll listen. I'm not a therapist, but I am your husband.”

He briefly flashed his ring and she sighed in the crook of his neck. Yes, he was. When they had gotten married, she knew it was more symbolic than anything else. Phil had wanted to die as her husband, and May had appreciated the fact that especially Amelia could claim his heritage if he was her official father.

She had lived mostly off of his will these past two years. What would the authorities do when they found out he was still alive?

“I, uh… didn't give it the proper name at first. I thought it was just grief. But then I saw everybody else was fine, sort of, and I was still in bed, unable to get up most mornings. And… I started therapy initially for the nightmares. I saw you die and… I couldn't sleep. But it sort of opened a well and I was only doing worse. The therapist wasn't really helping, either, he didn't take my symptoms seriously enough. And then… uh… we were in a fire. Amy and I. Our entire apartment burned to mostly ashes, I… god…” It still hurt so much. They had survived. Amy was fine. And yet the memory still kept her up. “I threw Amy out of a window, it was the only way for her to survive. I… couldn't sleep with that knowledge. I couldn't…  _ live _ with it. I wasn't suicidal, not then, I think, but… and I died, I really did. I threw her out the window but we were too far up so people would be unable to catch me. So… I stayed. I…” She warily pointed to the burn marks she still had on her shoulders. “Daisy saved me. I think that all… was the turning point for me. I didn't sleep anymore. I knew I had to get serious help. So… I started seeing Sarah. And she diagnosed me with ‘complicated grief’ first, I was doing slightly better. And then… I had a blackout and suddenly I was on top of a bridge and I almost jumped. I just… couldn't do it anymore. You were the only thing that had kept me alive, but then you died, and… it was like I had lost my oxygen. My reason for living. And I've just… been trying to keep my head above water.”

She looked at the picture of the ultrasound in his hands. That had been the beginning of it all. He had still been alive then, but just barely. She couldn't have known what things she would encounter eventually.

But she did have two buoys - Amelia and Daisy. If she hadn't had them, she wouldn't be alive anymore today. And she was glad she had held out for this long - she also couldn't have known that Phil would be alive again at some point.

“I'm proud of you,” he whispered.

“For trying to commit suicide?”

“For choosing life.” Daisy had given her this speech, too. Perhaps it was just the SHIELD mentality? “I'm so proud.”

“I still have to take my medication, apparently.”

“Yeah, I get that. Did you take your pills today?”

God. What was it with him and Daisy? Without words, they were so alike. May wondered sometimes whether they didn't actually share DNA after all.

“I'll get them for you. What else do you need?”

She smiled at him and they kissed. He was so sweet. Hopefully now, with him as support, she might finally be able to overcome the obstacles her depression threw her way.

“You, back here, ASAP.”

He laughed and kissed her again before leaving. She only felt a little anxious to let him out of her sight but she knew it was a little ridiculous. She just hoped Daisy wouldn't come home early because while she was ecstatic to have Phil back, May doubted she would appreciate seeing a naked Phil.

He was reading the labels of her medication when he returned, the boxes far away from him (because she knew he actually needed reading glasses and doubted that he remembered such a small thing). 

“It says so on the leaflet even, Melinda. The first symptom you might have when you stop taking them is, you get sick. But it might worsen any bad thoughts that linger in your head because your brain starts to get used to the little extra help it gets.” He handed her the strips and a bottle of water, before climbing back into bed. “Please promise me you'll keep taking them as long as Sarah says you should. I don't want to lose you, too.”

“Who did you lose?” She just wanted to test his memory. There was nothing wrong with that, right?

“Everybody, Melinda. Except for you three, everybody's gone. I don't even… remember my mother's name.”

“Julie.”

“You met her?”

May nodded and lowered the bottle. 

“Is she nice?”

May smiled and finished her pills and the bottle before focusing on him again.

“Let's just say, as far as mothers-in-law go, she wouldn't be such a bad pick.”

“But see, that's my point. I don't know anything about her. I don't know anything about myself. And I'm so incredibly happy to have found you again, but the rest of my head is just… empty. A void.”

“We'll work on that, Phil. I promise. I won't give up on you. I'll help you remember.”

“And I'll help you battle your depression. Now you'll know I won't leave.”

Not on his own volition, anyway. She realized that now. They had always needed each other, for whatever reason. They had always stuck together because of it. She never really liked needing anyone, but she couldn't deny that she had needed Daisy in these trying times, and Amy had also kept her afloat. Perhaps it wasn't so bad to be needing someone.

"Can I meet my mom?"

Her heart broke, and she wished her answer was different. She shook her head.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Phil. She passed away a long time ago."

He nodded in understanding, quiet for a while as he took in the devastating news. May knew that Phil didn't have any remaining family members left, considering his father Robert passed away when Phil was 9, and Julie passed away when Phil was 34. He had fully come to see SHIELD as his only family, and it explained why he was so set on being family for their team, especially Skye. He didn't have anyone left but them.

"You were there when she passed," she whispered, brushing his cheek. "It was all very loving, or at least, that's what you told me afterwards."

"Was she ill?"

May nodded. "She had cancer. She fought until the last moment, but…"

He was silent after that, once again allowing himself time to register what she had told him. It must be awful, to have lost someone you didn't even remember anymore. May would help him remember Julie, because even if May had only seen the woman a handful of times, tops, she had known how sweet and wonderful she was. (And Julie's not-so-subtle hints that Phil and May's kids would be gorgeous had made Phil blush and May laugh heartily. In the end, she was right - Amelia was absolutely perfect.)

“What time will the kids come home?” Phil asked eventually. It sounded like an innocent question but she knew he had an ulterior motive. She smiled and threw the empty water bottle on the floor behind her before pushing him onto his back and allowing her hair to fall into his face. He didn't seem to mind.

“We've got time,” she whispered, kissing him briefly, knowing it would drive him mad. And fair enough, he wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed her deeply.

“Then I will take my time.”

She really couldn't believe that he was still here, but she wasn't going to let him get away so easily this time. She would fight for him. Even if he didn't want her to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I would like to state right now: not everything in this story is realistic, and not everything fits the canon. I took some creative license, like I always do, to fit the story better. May often thinks about her previous marriage in this story, and while I know that she and Andrew eloped together, I changed it in this story so that it was a giant ass wedding, because I prefered that, to be honest. BUT I understand if y'all don't like that. Just a warning right now that this story doesn't always follow canon, but it mostly does.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, you saw that right, another long chapter! Tbh, when I was writing this part of the story, I didn't notice how long it was, hahaha. But, well, because it's my mom's birthday tomorrow, you deserve an extra long chapter again! (Also, on my phone and not really bothered to cut it down to a smaller chapter so yeah.)

She lay in his arms later while he was fast asleep - perhaps he hadn't slept as well last night as she had. Perhaps it was true what they said about men, that they practically died after sex.

Shit. Why was she thinking like this? She checked his breathing and heartbeat while her own was beating frantically in her chest. He smiled faintly in his sleep when her hair tickled his skin, and she had to fight down a smile of her own. Then she realized, she no longer had to fight these kind of emotions, she was finally happy.

Well, as happy as can be, with her depression still pushing down on her chest and the awful memories of the past two and a half years running freely around in her head.

She kissed his lips and he stirred slightly in his sleep. When she was satisfied that he was alive and still there, she got out of bed and donned her bathrobe. She went to the toilet and then prepared herself some tea. 

She heard the front door open and Daisy's telltale footsteps approach her.

“Did you do  _ anything _ productive?” Daisy asked, her voice both incredulous and teasing. May turned around and saw Daisy look at her attire, no doubt already having put two and two together.

“You could say that.”

Daisy pulled up her nose at that and went to the fridge to get something to drink. Leaning against it, she took in May's appearance. 

“Did you take your pills?”

“I wish you would stop asking that.”

“Why? I want you to feel better, Mel.”

“Phil already asked that question today.”

Daisy was quiet at that statement and sipped her juice. They looked at each for a few moments.

“Well, good. He still wants you to be happy.”

May nodded and returned to her tea. Then suddenly, she felt Daisy's arms around her, and the woman's head leaning against her shoulder.

“I still can't believe he's here, May,” Daisy whispered. “I can't believe he's still alive.”

“Me neither,” May replied, turning so she could hug Daisy back. “We must have done something right to deserve this.”

Daisy smiled and nodded, pulling back and brushing May's hair out of her face. 

“Does he remember anything at all?”

“It's slowly coming back, but it will take a while. He remembers a lot about me, though, which is weird.”

“That's not weird. Seriously. You've known each other for like five hundred years-”

“Don't push your luck-”

“-and I'm certain he can feel that. May, I know he's loved you for ages. He already did when I joined the team. Don't tell me you didn't know. I know you've loved him for a long time, too. I'm happy you two get to be together again. The fact that I get to have a cool dad in the process is only a bonus.”

They hugged until May pulled away and resumed her tea. 

“I might even get a new baby sibling.”

“Daisy. Stop.” But Daisy was right - the girl had been only teasing but it had made May realize she hadn't used any protection with Phil now, and she wasn't certain she was ready to have another baby. Not even if Phil would stick around this time. (Although she wondered how big her chances were of getting pregnant, knowing Amy was kind of a miracle already.) 

She would pick up something on her way to Amy.

And she couldn't deny that everything was going so fast now - only yesterday, he had been presumed dead, and today, she had to think about contraception because she had him in her bed again.

She had to take a breather. Calm down. Slow down. She had never been the type of woman to dive into bed with the next random man.

But then, Phil Coulson wasn't a random man. She had known him for most of her life and he was her best friend, and her soulmate. Just thinking about being with him, in whatever way possible, made a smile spread across her face and her insides warm pleasantly. 

Perhaps they could do courting later. Knowing Phil, he would definitely want to take her out on a date, woo her, be the ultimate gentleman. For now, though, she really didn't mind making love with him.

“Where is he?” Daisy asked.

“Where do you think?”

Daisy rolled her eyes and tiptoed to May's bedroom, opening the door quietly, carefully. May just focused on her tea while looking at the fridge - Daisy's first exam result and Amy's drawing for Father's Day.

May swallowed. She still remembered when the teachers at Amy's daycare had first posed the question of Amy's participation in the day, when May had fled to her car to hyperventilate. But she had come to terms with the fact that Amy would always have a father in spirit, that he would always be in their hearts, and that it was normal to honor him like that and make drawings for him, too. Even if Amy had insisted that the drawing should stay with May. The girl had made another drawing to leave at Phil's grave.

May couldn't have known that he would be around to see it. She really couldn't have known. He was a goddamn miracle.

She looked at her cup of tea and felt something pull on her heartstrings. Whatever. But she knew him being in bed and her drinking tea in the kitchen was all too familiar, too familiar for comfort. She'd tried her hardest to make his last days as comfortable as possible but she didn't know how to take care of someone who was dying. She was physically strong enough to help him to his feet but emotionally, she couldn't deal with the fact that she'd had to support him with everything. (It had been a topic in many therapy sessions, her sudden (forced) transition into end-of-life care.) He wouldn't have accepted anyone else to care for him like that, not even Jemma. But he must have known what it was doing to May.

She should have consulted a professional. Just to be able to manage his pain. 

“Jeez, he's out like a light.”

May practically spilled her tea all over the kitchen table when she ran to the bedroom. Daisy stopped her just before she was able to open the door.

“He's fine, Melinda. I guess you just tired him out.” Daisy was definitely uncomfortable but obviously happy for them. She pushed the door open and May looked at Phil, who was only just waking up. His head was raised but his eyes were still closed. 

May looked at Daisy, who was just smiling back at her. Then, the young woman popped her head to the side, as though to motivate May to take this chance while it was still there. 

“Just for the afternoon, you won't hear me complaining,” Daisy whispered. May smiled, hugged Daisy briefly before rushing back into bed with Phil. Daisy had only just closed the door when May shrugged off her bathrobe and Phil's arms were already reaching for her.

“Was that Daisy?”

May just put her hand in the back of his neck and linked their lips. He didn't say anything intelligent for a while.

But something happened, she knew it did. She had had intense releases before, especially with him, because he had always been able to engage every inch of her body, but then-

Darkness. Just… complete darkness. She felt him around her, his kisses in her neck, but instead of happiness, her release just drew out the worst in her. 

~...~

Melinda stayed in bed for a while. Not to sleep, because she wasn't sleepy, she had explained, but she was tired, and so Coulson helped her settle in, closed the curtains and left her alone.

Daisy watched him enter the kitchen, and where she had expected him to look happy, satisfied even, he had just gotten laid, probably multiple times (gross) - he just looked forlorn. Sad. 

Daisy understood what he was feeling. Every day with Melinda May was a battle, honestly, against the woman's depression mainly, that was trying its very best to ruin all of the good daily things. It wasn't Melinda's choice, Daisy knew that. But it had been hard for Daisy to deal with it, especially in the beginning. She'd had Amy to look after, too, and now her mother needed constant care without realizing it.

“How is she?”

“She seemed fine, but then… it just turned.”

Daisy nodded. That happened often, although she knew that this time, it had probably just been a reaction to the sex (no matter how uncomfortable it made her feel, she knew they had had sex). And Daisy had personally experienced something similar, too, and had even googled it at some point, to find out that it had a name, post-coital dysphoria, and that it was normal. However, she had no doubt in her mind that for May, with her depression, it was probably thrice as bad.

“How are you?” Daisy asked Coulson as he sat down on the couch. He was quiet for a while.

“I don't remember her like this.”

It broke Daisy's heart a little to hear that - that May was still in his head but completely changed, still silent but happier, able to crack a joke and smile at Daisy's pranks. 

She still did that, admittedly. There were good moments in their lives, where May was able to shine through, the ‘old’ May.

Sarah had explained that May might never be the same as she was before. Depression wasn't something that you cured, it wasn't something that ever disappeared. It would go in remission, much like cancer - there would always be a chance that it would come back, and when it did, it might be worse than it ever had been. And much like a cancer, depression attempted to destroy every last good cell in your body.

Daisy longed for the old May. Stoic, serious, but her heart not yet blackened by all the losses she'd had to suffer. For May's sake, Daisy hoped the woman might one day be able to find herself, even if it was just a little bit. 

“She was never this…”

“Down?” Daisy completed his sentence when he didn't. May had never been talkative, had never laughed often, but she had radiated a strength that Daisy found most inspiring, and her few smiles had been truly incredible to watch. Especially if they were aimed at her. 

But now, all of that seemed to be gone. May's strength had left her the day she'd buried Phil Coulson. 

He nodded. 

“For future reference, this isn't her choice.”

“No, I… I know that. It's just… it feels like I found her and lost her all at once.”

Daisy knew how that felt. After all, she had gotten him back and yet, he wasn't completely the same as she remembered. Less fun, and she could tell he didn't remember her completely.

“She was at her best right after you died, honestly. When she was in so much shock that she hardly realized what was happening. But she did find out eventually, and she just crashed. But she was pregnant and she knew she needed to go on for her baby, so she pulled through, although just barely. And then she crashed down completely when Amelia was born, she wanted to act normal but what is normal when you just lost the person who was most important to you, right? And I tried to be there for her as best I could, tried to be ‘normal’, whatever that meant. Encouraged her to go out and find another man and it broke my heart to find out that she had completely shut down her heart. She… only wanted you. So she escalated further and she went to see therapists but they only made things worse because they would tell her things she didn't want to hear. Something happened, then, it, uh…”

Daisy looked away, then got up to get her and Coulson some coffee. She kept seeing May in the midst of the fire, and in the hospital bed, fighting for her life.

“The fire?”

She turned around in shock and looked at him. “How did you…?”

“Melinda, she told me everything.”

Daisy sighed and finished the coffee before bringing both cups to the couch and handing one to him. He drank his coffee black, she remembered that. She doubted that he did.

“She told me you were an incredible help since… my death. I… thank you.”

Daisy shrugged. It was nothing, really. Coulson and May had always taken such good care of her, making sure she was safe and able to grow, when Coulson fell out of the picture, she had found it was only normal to take care of May in the aftermath.

“How are  _ you _ ?” Coulson asked. It shocked Daisy, honestly - the only people to have asked her that question since he had died were a therapist and a depressed, suicidal woman. 

“I guess, under the circumstances… say, Phil, how much of me, do you, uh… remember?”

His expression changed and Daisy averted her eyes. Damn. She knew May had meant much more to him than Daisy ever would, but to see it manifested like that, it still hurt. Especially considering Coulson meant everything to her; he had, quite literally, saved her life. She wanted him to remember them, eating Red Vines together, watching a movie, talking about her fucked up biological parents and him throwing in some little jokes. 

But he didn't remember any of that.

“It's okay,” she whispered. He shook his head almost immediately.

“No, it's not. Obviously, I mean a lot to you. So, let's talk. Maybe I'll remember something.”

“Sex won't work on me.”

He rolled his eyes and she felt a smile spread on her lips. 

“Of course not.  _ Talking _ .”

“Alright.”

So she told him everything he should know about  _ them _ . About how he was the only one who trusted her, saw a future in her, when even May was more inclined to dismiss her as just another stupid kid. How he had become a mentor for her, always steering her in the right direction, and eventually, she had started seeing him as her father. She hadn't meant to, and she had known she shouldn't, because he was her superior, but he had always been there for her when no one else had, and she had never had anyone like that in her life, ever. He seemed to genuinely care about her, he had wanted her to stay in his life. He had gone against her own specific wishes to die, to fight till the death, to stay in the future so she couldn't quake the world apart, and while she had hated him for that… it had showed her that he cared.

By the end of her monologue, her head was lowered and she was fighting the tears. She really wanted her old Phil Coulson back. And while she was happy with the one who was sitting across from her, she knew it wasn't  _ him _ . 

She felt his arms around her before she had even noticed that he had come closer and she broke. She had always tried to be the strongest she could be for May, because otherwise May would worry about her and all Daisy wanted was for May to get better again, to make sure Amy would get a normal childhood, for as much that was still possible. 

But Daisy missed Coulson, too. She'd had a hole in her heart since the day he had died, and had seen the blackness threatening to overpower her before she found out that it had already taken May, and that Daisy needed to protect her from any further harm. All she had needed was a firm hug, to be honest.

“You're having one hell of a day, huh?” he whispered. Fuck! There were still pieces of him inside, because he had said that before! “Is there anything I can do to help?”

She shook her head and nestled closer into his arms. He let out a long sigh, which sort of served to calm down her own breathing, and pulled her into his side, where she settled, all the while still crying.

“I'm sorry I don't remember you. It's nothing personal. I wish I did remember you. You seem like a good person.”

“Whatever.”

“Melinda loves you. I love her. Ergo, I must love you, too.”

“If only it worked like that.”

“Did I not love you?” He was already pulling away.

“No, I mean… you did, but… I love Melinda, and I love you. But it took you guys a long time to realize that you loved each other, too.”

“From what I've learned about myself, apparently I was a stubborn bastard.”

Daisy laughed. That was a gross understatement. He was an asshole, making life and death decisions for them without giving them a choice (he always chose life for them) and he had sacrificed his life for them on numerous occasions, but yeah, he was stubborn. 

“Yeah. You were.”

“Good to know.”

They were quiet and she was still crying and she sank lower and lower until her head lay in his lap and she was looking up at him. They had never really done this before, and they had been close. But perhaps now, no longer feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders, they might finally unlock some interactions normal fathers and daughters had.

“Is there anything else I need to know?” he asked. “About me, or… about you?”

“I have superpowers.”

He sat up straighter, his eyes widened. The sight was kind of hilarious.

“You have what?”

“Yeah, I have earthquake powers.”

He seemed either impressed or scared, she wasn't sure. She let him take in this information, and realized she might be pushing it a little. She feared she might make matters worse by forcing information into him.

“It sounds cool. What does it do?”

She explained everything to him, the whole spiel that Jiaying had given her when she had just discovered her abilities, the thing about the vibrations that she could tap into. She showed him how she could make the coffee shake in their cups, and his eyes widened even more.

“Oh, and I forgot to mention, you were a giant ass dork.”

He chuckled but he was still taking in what she had told him. 

“I can understand why. And, uh, how about Melinda then. Does she, uh…”

Daisy shook her head. “May is just super good at fighting. Like… really good.”

“And, just a selfish question… how did someone like me end up with someone like her?”

Daisy huffed. She had no idea how these two had found each other, because they were seemingly such a bad match - he spoke endlessly and she hardly said anything at all, she found violence to be an appropriate response in some circumstances while he would always try to shy away from it if he could. All in all, horrible match.

And yet, over the years Daisy had known them, she had learned that they were indeed made for each other. They completed each other where no one else could and they would always,  _ always _ , have each other's back, no matter the cost. Daisy had always admired that in them.

“I don't know, honestly. You had known each other for ages when I met you.”

“Wait… Melinda said that you're our daughter.”

“You adopted me.”

“Right. Uh… at what age, then?”

“Like, two and a half years ago?”

He frowned but allowed the information to sink in. 

“You seem to be taking all of this information better than I thought you would.”

He shrugged. “You two seem to know everything about me that I've forgotten. I wouldn't be someone otherwise.”

Daisy would fight to get him his mind back, either by teaching him about himself or finding ways to jumpstart his memories. 

“Is there anything else you want to know?”

“Amelia's hand, uh…”

“She was born with it. She's perfectly healthy otherwise.”

He let out a sigh of relief at that, and it warmed Daisy's heart a little. Despite him not fully knowing Amy, he still cared about her wellbeing. 

“And this scar…” He pulled his shirt down. She startled a little - he had never shown it to her when he had still been alive, the first time she had seen it was unfortunately in the morgue, and she understood now why he had always kept it hidden. It did look scary.

“You were stabbed through your back, it went all the way through.”

“Is that how I died?”

“The first time, yeah.”

“Right. I died twice.”

She nodded. It sounded weird now that he said it like that. He was the only person she knew who had beaten death twice - although the second time was still a mystery to everyone. Perhaps she should involve the rest of the team soon, let them know that he was alive and that they should find out what had happened to him.

“And this?” he said while raising his left hand. She saw the metal to which his prosthetic arm was attached, and almost smiled. The hand puns that had followed that injury, when he had been ready for it, had been incredibly funny, and the fact that he had lost just his arm instead of his life had of course filled everyone with relief.

“That's, uh, a bit difficult to explain, really…”

Daisy was about to say something else when the door to May's room opened and both Daisy and Coulson looked up. May shuffled into the living room, bathrobe wrapped tightly around her. It was a familiar sight for Daisy. She hoped Coulson would accept it, too, because unfortunately, this was what May was now - struggling and depressed but she had a lot of good things about her and Amelia loved her mother to pieces.

“Cute,” May whispered, a faint smile on her lips, as she saw their positions. “Phil, I'm sorry about before.”

Daisy looked at both of them and sat up. She wanted to leave, give them space, but Coulson didn't let go of her wrist. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I totally understand. How are you feeling now?”

May shrugged and Daisy already knew enough, an ‘indifference phase’ was coming up and Daisy already braced herself (no admissions of love or anything because it would all fly past May's head), but Coulson wasn't that far yet so he invited her onto the couch with them. She sat beside him on the other side and was still for a moment, before she snuggled into Phil's side and hid her face against his upper arm. 

Daisy hadn't expected that at all. She had learned to leave May alone as much as possible, make sure she wasn't doing anything stupid and staying out of her way. To see May cuddling up to Coulson...

“I'm so happy you're here,” May whispered. “I might not always show it, but I am.”

“I know,” he whispered, his arm coming up to wrap around her, pulling her tightly against him. May all but disappeared completely in his hold.

Wait a minute. Was this all it took to get May through this mood? Because Daisy had tried this before but it had never worked, only making matters worse. 

But then she knew, being in Coulson's arms would cheer her up, too. After these long years of life without him, she was incredibly excited to see him again.

She hadn't even slept properly, she had to admit. She had dreamed about him, mostly happy things, a little bit of his coffin, though. She couldn't quite believe that he was still here, after everything that happened. And on top of her own happiness, she wasn't ashamed to admit that she was hoping this could be a push in the right direction for May, that she could finally overcome her depression and be happy again.

But no. Depression was a sickness in the brain. You don't just solve it with seemingly happy things - you have to battle it, have to take medication to keep your head above water. And it really happened to the best of people. May was enough proof of that, right here, crying again in Coulson's arms.

“What were you guys talking about?” May asked, her voice heavy with tears. Daisy had learned to let it go. If May needed to talk through her sadness, Daisy would let her.

“Coulson's robot hand.”

“It's a robot hand?” he said incredulously. He raised his hand again with his eyes widened. “Cool!”

May cracked a smile, Daisy could tell, and they both watched him inspect his hand, before Daisy reached out and detached it, causing him to gasp loudly.

“Wow! That's so cool! Can it do things? Does it have, like, lasers shooting out of my fingers or something?”

“Alright, calm down, Inspector Gadget.”

His eyes would have resembled question marks if it was physically possible. Daisy held his hand in hers - she had never detached it, had never held just his single robotic hand, it felt kind of weird to be doing it now. 

“Inspector Gadget? The cartoon?” He had no idea what she was talking about. “Never mind. Your arm had to be amputated, otherwise you would die.”

“I seem to die a lot.”

That shut Daisy and May up, May's faint smile disappearing completely. 

Dammit. He did die a lot. And he was always brought back. How was that possible? Don't get her wrong, Daisy was happy they got yet another chance with him. But at some point, you had to start wondering how many chances they would still get with him. Now more than ever they had to enjoy his presence to the best of their abilities. 

“Was it like a…” He snapped his fingers as though he had forgotten the word. It was the first time since finding him again that he had displayed this kind of behavior, forgetting vocabulary, and it had surprised Daisy a little that the only thing he seemed to have forgotten was himself. He had still retained most of his vocabulary, which must be odd, right? “Cancer?”

“You could say that, yes,” Daisy answered. It was lying, sure, but there was some truth to it. It had been death spreading through his cells and slowly killing him. 

She realized with sudden clarity that he would never really come back, not if he didn't remember himself. They would be able to tell his life story to him, the man he had been, how lovely he was, but he would never truly be himself again. 

“How am I still alive?”

“That's what we would like to know, too,” Daisy said, nodding. “Do you remember anything from around your death, anything at all?”

He remained silent for a while and May was still buried somewhere underneath his arm against his side. 

“No. I… don't even remember getting to my apartment, or, well, the apartment I was staying at apparently. I just remember waking up one morning not knowing anything, not even where I was. Just this letter on a table with contact information to a therapist.”

May shot up at that, tears still in her eyes, but shocked at this revelation.

“Sarah?”

“Yep. I went to her office and explained the situation and she immediately took me in. Vouched to try and get me my memory back. She's been a real help ever since.”

Yeah, well, he wasn't the only one who had been helped a lot by Sarah. It almost seemed like it was meant to be, that they were supposed to find each other again. But the note had sparked doubt inside her - that wasn't coincidence. Somebody had planted that there with the full intention to steer him towards her office. 

Daisy wanted to find out who that had been. They must also know what had happened to Coulson between the moment they had buried him and the moment where he had woken up that morning.

“We'll get the team on it tomorrow,” May said, some of her authoritative tone shining through. She wrapped Coulson's arm around her shoulder and still settled into his side, but she was now a little more composed, sitting up straight. Coulson seemed to think about that statement before no doubt realizing he had no idea what May was talking about and changing the subject completely. 

“Maybe now you can show me Amelia's baby photos,” Coulson said, looking at Daisy. Before she knew it, her phone was out and the three of them were smiling at the cute baby Amy had been, and still was.

But for all the times May had claimed the girl looked exactly like her father… Amelia was the spitting image of her mother. Complete with the woman's stubbornness and her willpower, perseverance, determination. May won't give up on people and neither would Amy. 

So now, Daisy wouldn't give up on May. She never had. And she knew Coulson wouldn't give up on May either, not even this Coulson, who hardly remembered them at all.

“She's so beautiful,” Coulson whispered, having paused at Daisy's favorite picture; Amelia with a bright smile on her lips, tomato sauce all on her face having just enjoyed her favorite meal, meatballs (for lack of better toddler-safe ‘Italian’ meals). “So much like her mother.”

May frowned, obviously not agreeing with him. Daisy had already told May that Amelia looked more like her rather than Coulson, but May wanted to see what she wanted to see, which was Phil, obviously.

The rest of the afternoon was spent reminiscing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, yeah, post coital dysphoria is a definite thing (we all know, right, but never knew the name of) and I can only imagine how it must be for someone who's depressed, like May.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe Season 7 starts tomorrow. I can't believe that will be the final season. I don't think I can handle this show ending, tbh.  
> Also, publishing this now because I know y'all (and me included) will probably be too hyped up and nervous to be reading this story properly, so there you go. Fair warning: this chapter gets very dark very quickly, and when I say dark, I mean DARK. Be warned. I mean it. It's... kind of graphic, not in a positive way.

May was getting dressed to pick up Amy from daycare when Phil came into the bedroom with a ready-made frown between his brows.

“Where are you going?”

“To pick up Amy.”

He nodded. “Can I come?”

“If you want to.”

They were quiet again while she put on the rest of her clothes. She was about to leave the room when he stopped her.

“Are you alright?”

She shook her head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Again, she gave her head a shake.

“I'm worried about you,” he whispered, stepping closer carefully, a hand reaching out to hold onto hers. “I'm starting to remember more and more, and I don't remember you like this.”

“Like what? Fucked up?”

“That's not what I was goi-”

“I'm depressed, Phil. God knows I'm happy you're back but my brain is not magically fixed because of it.” She had thought for some fleeting moments that it could be. She had hoped the dark clouds would finally stop chasing her. But then she'd had sex with him and the clouds seemed to have overtaken her heart and she was wondering how she would be able to smile for Amy in a few minutes.

“I know that, Melinda. I know what it's like.”

She was half offended now, no he didn't, he had no idea what this was like! How dare he? She felt the familiar anger wash over her, the anger she had felt back on Tahiti. She wanted to take her hand back but he refused to let go. 

“After my grandma died, I didn't know what to do anymore.” 

She froze at his words. He had never talked to her about his family, ever, not once in the thirty years they had known each other had he ever broached this subject. She had guessed it was a difficult subject for him, had never pressed him on it. She had barely talked about her own family. “I thought my life had ended. I never got the help I should have… and then I met you.”

“You remember that?”

“A little. It's starting to come back. But the point is… I battled depression, too. I know what it's like. You shouldn't shut out people, especially if they're only trying to help.”

She shook her head, lowered her sight to the floor. She felt ashamed all of a sudden. She couldn't assume nobody knew what she was going through.

“You had depression?” she asked him honestly. He had never told her about that. She wondered briefly whether he was remembering somebody else's life now, but in any case, he was only trying to help. 

“What is it you're feeling, Melinda?” he asked her, each of his breaths bringing him a little closer, until his arms were wrapped around her again.

“Like… like something bad is going to happen. And I can't stop it. And… I'll die.”

“Well, I'm here. I'll make sure nothing bad happens to you, or our girls. Okay?”

He could say that, and she wanted to believe him. But he had died before, twice even, and he had failed to be there. 

But she still nodded and let him guide her out of the room. She had to trust him. 

They talked a little on their way to the daycare. She passed the bridge where she had almost killed herself and shudders ran down her spine - might want to find a different route, because that kept happening and she didn't want a repeat of that incident. 

“What's wrong?”

She shook her head. He was quiet while staring out of the window. 

Things were a little odd between them now. They had always been so comfortable around each other, their shared history creating an unbreakable bond, but now that he seemed to have lost that history, the only thing bonding them now was her memories and the undeniable attraction they both felt for each other.

She wished she could get him back, the full him. But she guessed she had to settle for this version of him, which was still better than the alternative. 

Amy was ecstatic to see them, well, May - she was a little wary of Phil, perhaps having expected him to have left by now. He smiled at the girl though, had his arms opened wide in invitation, and she giggled and ran into his arms eventually. May watched him try to buckle Amy into her car seat while she rambled about her day. May wasn't sure Phil understood everything the girl said, not quite used to her little language mixed with English, but he smiled at her and brushed her hair lovingly and it was all Amy needed to know that he loved her.

“You beautiful little girl,” he whispered, and kissed her cheek. Amy smiled brightly and looked at her mother, who was seated in the driver's seat, looking at them over her shoulder.

Yes, he's here, baby girl. Your Mommy can hardly believe it herself, but your Daddy is here.

“So what did you do at daycare, Amelia?” Phil asked, finally succeeded in the straps of Amy's seat, and sitting down in the passenger's seat. May looked at the little girl - not a lot of people called her by her full name, especially not family, so that might get a little complicated. 

“Amy,” she said, raising her finger. Phil looked to his side and May looked him in the eye. It probably meant a lot that Amy corrected him, allowed him to call her Amy. But the girl was only two. She couldn't possibly have any meaningful ulterior motives. “My name Amy, Daddy.”

“Okay. Sorry, Amy. What did you do?”

“Well, I play-ed, and I watch-ed TV with Banca and I eat-ed wango.”

“You mean mango?”

“No!” She crossed her arms and looked out of the window. “Wango!”

Phil chuckled and looked at May again.

“She's getting there,” May explained. She still remembered the first time any of Amy's babbling had made sense, and she had said ‘Dada’, of all words. Perhaps she would tell Phil that later, when he was ready to hear more.

“How old is she again?” Phil asked, obviously just out of curiosity. Amy tapped the back of his head through the headrest, having raised up almost completely out of her seat.

“Two, Daddy, I two!” 

But it was no longer playful. Perhaps Amy was frustrated that Phil was getting so much about her wrong. He was her Daddy, he should know those things, and May could understand that it would drive her mad.

“Amy, get back in your seat.” May never yelled at either of her kids, she didn't need to. (Because she might not always discipline Amy, but the girl did know when her mother was done with her foolishness.) One stern look over her shoulder at the angry little girl on the backseat was enough. “Daddy has trouble remembering things. He's trying his best.”

“But-”

“Enough, Amy.”

Amy let out a cry and May knew she had her arms crossed by now. Phil was quiet beside her, only Amy was heard crying in the backseat. May let her cry, knowing more words from her would only make things worse, but when the girl was still crying as they drove onto the parking lot of their apartment, she gestured for Phil to go inside, handing him the keys, before opening the door and looking at Amy with what Daisy would describe as a ‘Mom face’.

“Mommy!”

“Stop acting so silly, Amy.”

And all that did was cause Amy to have her first real temper tantrum, crying and screaming and kicking the seat in front of her. For a moment, May was at a loss for proper actions, she didn't want to make matters worse but she knew she shouldn't be accepting this behavior.

Even the darkness in her heart threatened to take the reins, although she knew she would never hurt her child. But she did see some black dancing in front of her eyes at Amy's actions.

She wondered where it came from, but that wondering was only brief. She knew Amy was growing up and mimicking the other kids' behavior, and also trying to grasp the idea that she had a Daddy now, with whom she had to share her Mommy and even her big sister. It didn't help that her Daddy didn't know the tiny details about her. 

“Amelia, you're going to listen to me right now.” She kept her voice as authoritative as possible, yet calm, but Amy screamed over her at the top of her lungs. And that was when May remembered the very important chapter in her handbook - discipline and time out.

"Amelia Ju Coulson, if you don't stop screaming right this instance, you'll go in time-out." Amy reached out angrily to hit May, only missing by an inch or two.

Alright. If Amy wouldn't listen, then May would have to pull out the big guns. She unbuckled Amy's strap, put both of her hands underneath the girl's arms. The girl quieted down immediately at her mother's rather forceful actions (at least compared to the tender and kind touches May usually applied with her baby daughter) but it was too late - May carried the girl inside the apartment and put her on the nearest child seat she could find. “You're in time out, Amelia, because you were yelling at Daddy and me. You will stay here for two minutes and then you'll apologize.”

“Mommy no!”

May walked away, her hands shaking slightly, and saw Phil in the kitchen looking at her with something close to admiration on his face. Before May was able to say anything to him, though, she heard Amy running after her - May turned back around and put her back, adding her stern Mom face before walking back to Phil. Amy was still crying.

Hugging him would be unwise now, because Amy would see how this was getting to May, but he did reach out and held her hand, his eyes showing her that he understood what this was doing to her. 

“You're doing well,” he whispered. “You didn't have to do this for me, though.”

She shook her head.

“You're her father. She should respect you, too.”

He kissed her cheek before fumbling around with the kettle to get her some hot water. She smiled at him while keeping an eye on the clock, and when the two minutes had passed, she walked over to her crying toddler and lowered herself to Amy's height. Amy was still crying but she was no longer screaming and sobbing.

“You were in timeout because you screamed at me and hit Daddy.” But before she could ask Amy to apologize, the girl was already wrapping her arms around May's neck.

“What do you say now, Amelia?”

“Sorry, Mommy.”

“Thank you.”

And May picked Amy up and hugged her close, knowing that once the apology was said, she could make up. May walked over to Phil who was still busy with the water, and Amy reached out to be in his arms, which surprised May a little.

“Sorry, Daddy.”

“That's o-”

May shook her head frantically - she was diligently following the steps of time-out, even if it was the first time she had done it, and one part of it was never to respond with any dismissive words to apologies. 

“Thank you,” he said instead. Amy stayed in his arms and wouldn't allow him to put her down, so instead he sat down on the couch while May finished making their drinks - including Amy's bottle of water.

She joined Phil and Amy on the couch, May still shaking a little because of the whole screaming thing Amy had pulled, but the girl seemed to have calmed down while in her father's arms.

“Watch Count Count, Mommy?”

May smiled and nodded and turned on the TV. Amy settled against Phil's chest, one of his arms coming round her body to hold onto the girl's hip. May remembered when that was her, in both positions, really - having Amy settle in her arms, sometimes coming up too enthusiastically and almost fracturing May's jaw; and being inside Phil's arms, her head against his chest, while watching some stupid rom-com he insisted on viewing.

May let out a sigh, blowing the dark clouds away, and settled against his side. His free arm wrapped around her. 

“Count von Count. I remember him,” Phil whispered. Amy raised her hands, completely caught up in the program.

“Count Count!”

“She has a slight crush on him.”

Phil frowned at May and it made her chuckle.

Yep. There was no explaining child logic.

~...~

They had informed the team about his return not much later. Needless to say, all of them were shocked yet happy, relieved that he was still with them yet confused as to how that was still possible. 

“Hate to say it,” Mack had started, the first to say something, “but sir, you’re very much like a cockroach.”

They had started an investigation immediately but May didn't expect to get any results.

May and Phil went into therapy sessions as soon as they possibly could, mostly because Phil was insisting, he was worried about her.

Sarah too, it seemed. She smiled but it seemed a little forced - she was analyzing May and it made her uncomfortable.

Perhaps Phil had noticed that May had stopped taking her medication. She pretended to take them, not wanting anyone to worry about her, but the dark clouds were somehow easier to deal with without the pills. 

It took them a few sessions until they were really getting somewhere. By that time, Phil had been staying with May for weeks and her upset belly had only gotten worse. (For a fleeting moment she had feared the worst, but a test had ruled that out - she guessed Phil had found it. She also wondered briefly what she would have done if she had been pregnant.)

Amy was getting more and more used to having Phil around as her Daddy. She had been wary of him in the beginning, not quite sure what she could expect from him, not knowing how long he would stay. But he had been perfect with her, exactly how May had wanted him to be with their child.

“Alright, Phil. Let's talk about everything you remember now. And start at the beginning.”

May looked at Phil as he recounted his steps, not a lot but everything he remembered. Waking up in that apartment, seeing that letter on the table with Sarah's details on it. (That shocked the woman but she didn't continue further.)

He said all of May's talk about a bridge made him remember another certain bridge.

“Which bridge?” Sarah was looking at May too as she asked it. The feeling of dread in May's lower belly grew.

“I… don't remember that. But… I do remember almost being hit by a car and, uh… hmmm…” He focused, was quiet for a long time, and then his eyes flew open and focused on May.

“I don't remember getting to the bridge,” she said. “I don't remember what happened.”

“No, I saw you. I'm sure I did. I saw you.”

Sarah looked at May but May shook her head. But as she let the information sink in, she got a bad feeling in her hands.

Her mind somewhere else, hands gripping the steering wheel, then suddenly a man, and hitting the brakes as fast she possibly could. No, it couldn't be…

“Yes.”

He was right. She had seen Phil. She had almost hit him with her car. The memory resurfaced now, being covered by blackness all that time. 

She must have seen him, in her panic attack, and it must have been too much to handle, she couldn't register it, he was dead and she had just spent minutes focusing on his smile, then his death, but then he was there and-

Phil's arms wrapped around her and she only noticed then that she was hyperventilating. She instantly deployed Sarah's breathing exercises but instead just focused on Phil, very much alive beneath her hands, and it was enough to calm her down.

“That was a revelation and a half,” Sarah said. Understatement of the year. “I'm starting to sense the reason you don't remember getting to the bridge. Do you, Melinda?”

She nodded weakly. 

One thing remained unexplained - if she had seen Phil, why had she tried to kill herself?

And really, why, after all these weeks of living with Phil again, of having him by her side and in her arms, did she still have a feeling of dread in her belly?

~...~

May didn't have a pleasant dream that night. It was to be expected, really.

The dark clouds had won. May was stood in darkness, the silence pressing down on her. She had difficulty breathing. 

Then, Amy waggled into sight, clutching her throat, blood seeping through her tiny fingers. There was fear written all over her little face and May wanted to reach out, stop the bleeding, no, not her little girl, anyone but her baby girl.

Phil appeared on her other side, reaching out for her, blood drenching his shirt, his chest punctured. 

Lastly, Daisy was already on the ground, her bloodied hand on her belly, choking out soundless words.

May crashed onto the floor, watching as her family was dying around her. She felt herself scream but there was no sound escaping her lips. Then, a knife appeared in front of her, as if from thin air. There was an inscription on the handle - ‘one has to die’. May didn't hesitate. She grabbed it and dragged the blade across her wrist, but where she expected pain to follow, she felt light. 

Amy, Phil and Daisy were suddenly injury-free, standing around her, and May had a clarity of mind she hadn't had in a while.

One has to die. And she sure as hell wasn't going to let any of them go.

She awoke in the early morning and the apartment still sounded quiet. Phil was still asleep beside her, lightly snoring. She smiled at him and kissed his cheek, watching as he reacted with a smile of his own.

She knew what she had to do. She knew what the bad feeling in her lower belly was now. 

They couldn't live with the four of them. Phil had been dead and that had been fine for the universe, but it was obviously not happy that they were with four, and she knew the solution. 

She couldn't live with this feeling in her belly. She couldn't live with the dark clouds always looming over her. And her family still had their whole lives ahead of them. She was damaged goods - she had been in therapy for months now, even had medication to help her into the right direction, but nothing worked.

She was beyond help now. 

So she kissed all of them, lingering a lot longer in Amy's room, but she shuffled mindlessly to the bathroom anyway, clutching the knife in her hands.

It would only hurt a little. But she would assure her family got to live safely.

They couldn't be with four. Only three could live. So really, it was better like this, wasn't it? There was no other way.

She sat down in the tub and made quick work of her wrists - fuck, it hurt. She gasped and watched the blood drip onto her PJ's. She had been through worse, though, she'd dug a bullet out of her own leg, so these cuts were really nothing. 

Although… it did feel a little odd not to stop the bleeding. She put her head back and focused on anything other than the blood.

Sweet little Amelia, the best thing that had ever happened to her, by far. May hoped she could grow up happily and become a beautiful young woman, able to chase whichever dream she wanted to chase. May hoped Amy would only remember the good parts of her, not the parts where May was stuck in her bed all day long or lashed out at her big sister. 

Daisy Johnson. She had been the best help May could have imagined throughout these months. May wouldn’t have been alive if it weren’t for Daisy, and she felt happy knowing that she had relieved Daisy of that constant care, that Daisy could finally be free, chase her dreams, get that education, perhaps even find someone to love and have them care for her the way she had cared for May. Daisy deserved that. She deserved to be happy.

And then Phil. Sweet, amazing Phil Coulson. Who would she be without him? She knew now, since his death she had been unable to recognize herself in the mirror. She was nothing without him, but now that he was here, she couldn’t be with him. It had always been like this, hadn’t it? They got close and then fate pulled them apart. It was better this way - now at least, she knew he was safe. He wouldn’t be pulled out of life because only one of them could live. 

She started shivering. She had forgotten that would happen. She turned on the tap, closed her eyes and put her hands by her side.

Please be good to them. They deserve as much. 

And for the second time in her life, she waited for death to greet her. Like an old friend, this time. It would be the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, if you ever feel the way May does, please reach out to anyone at all, even if it's your friendly neighbor you never talk to, or a professional, just anybody. I want you to be safe.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so because of the time difference I could only watch the premiere in the morning and I told myself I wouldn't set an alarm for it because it was my day off, but then I still woke up early and I watched it immediately and then rewatched it in the evening so I've watched it twice already and I've got a problem, right? But how good was that premiere, y'all?  
> Anyway, so the last chapter was very dark, but from this moment on, the story will be less dark, I promise. Still pretty dark at times, May is still depressed, but this was about the darkest moment of the entire story. More fluff to come, too!  
> Also, this chapter is relatively short because the next part is also longer and it would have been a MASSIVE chapter otherwise.

His memories remained jumbled, Phil Coulson knew that. He could go to Sarah’s sessions for the rest of his life and there would always be parts of him missing, parts that remained black, unable to be retained. Perhaps it was for the better. 

Melinda had had a breakthrough, so to speak. She had remembered what had caused her to sit down on the concrete railing of the bridge that one day. For him? He had only remembered the outlines of her face, and how it had looked familiar, but he had kept walking, continuing his way to Sarah’s office.

But now he remembered. It had taken some time, but he was starting to remember the vital memories of his life - meeting Daisy Johnson, then Skye, remembering how she had needed a parent figure and his, perhaps naive, brain had figured he could be that for her, if no one else was offering. Meeting the team, feeling conflicted about leading, arguing with someone called Rage, or something along those lines, that he shouldn’t be leading, should be following orders instead. 

Wait. Fury. That was it. Nick Fury.

He was remembering new things every day. But the one thing that had always been clear in his mind was her. Melinda May. The one soul who had meant the world to him, who had been in the center of most of his life, the reason why he did anything anymore. 

He remembered first meeting her, her annoyed look causing him to nearly shit his pants - he knew what she could do, and what she had done to men far greater than him. He remembered their first op together, how her protective mask had seemingly melted away with every nervous pun he had thrown her way. She had seemed to like him, and he was an idiot, but not that big an idiot to pass up the opportunity to be friends with Melinda May.

And he remembered falling in love with her. It wasn’t a sudden thing, like one day he just woke up and he suddenly loved her more than anything - it was gradual, like one day he woke up and he realized he had loved her for a long time, and probably would love her for many years to come, still.

It did something to him to realize that somebody had erased all of his memories, everything, even his own name, but somehow Melinda May hadn’t left his head, like she was imprinted in his cells or something. It was cheesy. She would hit him if he ever said these things out loud.

He sighed and reached beside him, ready to pull her close to his chest and maybe kiss her, if she would let him. She hadn’t been doing well these past few weeks, and he could tell, and he knew that she could tell that he could tell.

His head hurt. He just wanted her to feel more like herself again. He had never intended her to be like this when he had made the conscious decision not to fight his death again. If he had known that Melinda would be battling depression two years after his death, he might have fought a little harder.

He sat up straight. She wasn’t in bed. She was always in bed. His heart immediately started racing, scrambling to put on some clothes and find her. He hoped she had just decided to watch some TV or even just to get a beer from the fridge - that only calmed him down for a few seconds, because he saw light from underneath the bathroom door and he had a very, very bad feeling about all this.

He still remembered her face the night before. Sex with her was a game of chance these days. Most of the time, she was left smiling, but sometimes, it just worked as an amplifier for her depression and he had been able to tell that last night was one of those times. He had held onto her a little tighter, hoping it would calm down some of the thoughts inside her. 

He pushed the door open and his legs gave up immediately.

There, in the tub, was his Melinda, her skin pale, blood covering most of what he could see. His vision went black for a moment, before he pulled himself up off the floor and ran to her.

“No! Melinda!” He grabbed her wrists, stopping the bleeding, not knowing if that would still work now. He had no idea how long she had been there, whether he was too late, he wanted to pull her out of the tub and scream at her for doing this and shake some sense into her, but her body was lifeless underneath his touch and he yelled out his pain.

God. No. Fuck! FUCK! 

He had not come back from the dead only to lose Melinda! She could not be gone! 

He pulled her out of the tub, ignoring the bloody water that instantly drenched him. He held her in his arms, clutching her close, no, no, why, Melinda, I would have been there to care for you, “I could have held you, keep the dark clouds away, I would have been there for you!”

He heard another scream and knew it wasn’t his. He turned around and saw Daisy, her skin pale and tears already on her cheeks. She crashed down beside him and put her fingers in Melinda’s neck - he was shocked, he hadn’t even felt for a pulse. 

Daisy nodded, tears spilling onto Melinda, and she jumped up, wavering for just a moment on her shaking legs. 

“Call an ambulance!” Phil yelled. 

He saw Daisy was still shaking as she ran out of view again. 

He looked down at Melinda and suddenly, he felt it. 

Everything. He felt everything, remembered everything. Working on Lola with his dad, enrolling in College and earning himself a History degree only to waste it by joining SHIELD - Melinda, Melinda everywhere, every op, every thought - the Avengers, Loki, fuck Loki - Fury trying everything he could to bring him back - everything. He remembered everything. All this anger.

He had held Rosalind in his arms while she had been bleeding out, life slowly seeping out of her eyes. He remembered being covered in her blood, and the days after had been filled with anger, rage, so much fucking rage, until he had killed Ward on Maveth and that had just opened another can of worms.

But he remembered. All of it. He remembered getting back on the Zephyr and May holding him in her arms and realizing they had both lost someone they loved (he had lost Roz, she had lost Andrew) and knowing fully well that they were now the most important people in each other's lives.

Melinda May was all that mattered to him. Most of it, anyway. She was always his first instinct, check up on her, make sure she was safe.

He wouldn't lose her again. He had lost her too many times in the past.

“Melinda, please stay with me. I promise I’ll be there for you, more, I’m sorry I died, I’m sorry I left you alone. I’m sorry I was so selfish, I should have thought about your feelings, too. I should have told you I loved you sooner… I love you. I love you so, so much. I’m nothing without you. I can’t do what you did. I can’t live without you. I’m not that strong. Please come back to me.”

But even when the paramedics showed up, Melinda gave no sign of life, except for her faint pulse which was fading quickly. And he was left sitting on the bathroom floor, drenched in her blood, in this nightmare he and Sarah had felt was coming for a while now. 

Daisy pulled him up after a while, pulling off his shirt and working on cleaning him up.

“I remember now,” he whispered. 

“Remember what?”

“Everything.”

She pressed her lips into a firm line but wrapped her arms around him eventually. 

“I’m sorry that this is what triggered it.” Daisy’s voice was still shaking and he held onto her tighter. God. How fucked up was this? They should be happy that they were all still there, that they could finally be the family they had always longed to be, but instead they had been battling with Melinda’s depression for a long time now and like everything else about her, it was hard to beat. And it had resulted in him finding her lifeless body in the bathtub after she had slid her wrists. 

“What did they say?” he asked. “The paramedics, I mean.”

“They’re still stabilizing her, prepping her for transport. She lost… a  _ lot _ of blood.”

Much of that blood, he felt, was now drying on his skin. He nearly threw up. 

“We'll have to decide who goes with her to the hospital."

“She’s… not dead?”

Daisy shook her head, a faint smile on her lips. It seemed almost inappropriate at this time, to be smiling, but it was the best news he had heard since waking up in this nightmare.

She wasn’t dead. She was still alive, perhaps barely, fighting for her life, but she wasn’t gone yet. He had to clean himself up and be with her, support her, fight alongside her, do whatever he could.

“I’ll bring Amelia to Mrs. Roberts,” Daisy said, cleaning her own hands. “I don’t think it would be wise to involve her in all this, not until Melinda’s stable.”

Coulson nodded and they stood there for a while, silent, cleaning themselves up. And he realized, this must be in her somehow, this knack of caring for people, taking charge, make sure everybody was safe and accounted for. And yet, he remembered now that she had been unable to take his job as Director of SHIELD and it had gone to Mack instead.

Perhaps that was their saving. The fact that Daisy had been unoccupied and had been able to catch Melinda when she had fallen, after his death. He didn’t want to think about what could have been if Melinda hadn’t had Daisy.

“Thank you, Daisy,” he whispered. 

She shook her head, wiping blood off her cheek. She still seemed pale, and he could understand. 

“I knew this would happen,” she responded. “Somehow, I knew.”

He nodded. “I thought that maybe we could still stop it. I guess I failed.”

“No. Hey. This wasn’t you, alright? I already told you, that first day, remember? This is all her depression. Nobody is to blame for this.” 

“Still, I could have done more-”

They were interrupted by a police agent barging into the room.

“She’s stable, transport starts now. Last chance to join.”

Coulson dropped everything he was holding and came with the officer, only realizing when Daisy ran alongside him that he was half naked. 

“You look after her, alright?” Daisy said, forcing a shirt into his hands, then brushing his cheek. He nodded. 

He would make sure Melinda was safe. And that she would never get the chance to do something this stupid ever again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I could have drawn out his memory loss longer but after having seen the premiere, I kind of agree with my version of events. LMD Coulson basically went into overload almost as soon as he was fired up and I think, if it hadn't happened, just a tiny thing would have made it happen, too. Although in this story, May practically dying in his arms isn't a tiny thing. But still, thought it fit that this would be what brought his memories back. Sorry if you wanted it to be slower and gentler! Things don't always turn out that way in real life, though.  
> (Also, totally not related to the story, I finished Star Wars Rebels earlier this week and how robbed were Kanan and Hera? They deserved so much more. Ffs, really hope Philinda doesn't end up like that. (Even tho they technically already did since Coulson's dead. Now just waiting for Philinda's Jacen Syndulla, lol.))


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, sorry, I know it's been longer than usual! Had work, and my gym has finally opened for group lessons and obviously, I still had to rewatch the Star Wars prequel trilogy and Rebels, so you can imagine how busy my schedule has been! (It hasn't.)  
> So, spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the recent episode yet, but wtf was that all about? Why was May even more robotic than she already was? And why didn't she respond at all when she saw LMD Coulson? My heart broke!  
> Anyway, I've kept you hanging for long enough, here's the new chapter, enjoy!

The doctors had spent many hours fighting alongside Melinda, and she was put in the ICU eventually. He had slammed on the doors and altogether been a horrible visitor - he had to be there with her, holding her hand, talking her through it. 

But in the ICU, she wasn't alone. He hadn’t left her side once. 

He had fought off nurses and even security when they claimed visiting hours were over and he had to leave. 

No. He wouldn’t leave Melinda May. Never again. She could count on him to be there when she woke up, if she ever woke up. 

NO! He had to keep hope. She would wake up eventually. She had to. 

She had lost a lot of blood and they were keeping her in a coma to monitor her properly. Daisy had been scared out of her damn mind, being reminded of the days after the fire, but now the bandages were somewhere else. They were just waiting for her to wake up on her own accord.

He slept in her room for days, his head on her bed sometimes, other times slouched in a chair not far from her. He would hold her hand and kiss her palm and brush her hair and  _ curse himself _ for not having found her sooner, she had gotten out of bed and that was rarely a good thing with her state of mind, and he hadn’t noticed a thing. He should have kept better watch of her medication intake because he had suspected she wasn’t taking them properly but he hadn’t wanted to be policing her. She was a grown woman, but a grown woman with depression and a dormant need for suicide. 

How could he have ever fallen asleep at all? Knowing that she might do something stupid?

Daisy had come in often with clean clothes for him, some junk food, to hold Melinda’s other hand and tell her how stupid she had been and how badly they wanted her to come back. Daisy had even slept in Coulson’s arms once, after having admitted to be unable to sleep at home, all alone, Amelia staying with Fitzsimmons. She hadn’t cleaned out the tub yet. They might have to move if the stains didn’t leave.

Coulson had wanted to keep Amelia away from this, knowing it wouldn’t do her any good and she would only stress, but Simmons had called him one evening with a crying Amelia in the background, begging to have Amelia visit her mother because the girl was inconsolable. He really didn’t want to make things worse but he couldn’t keep a child from their mother, so Fitzsimmons stopped by hardly an hour later with Amelia crying between them. She was sucking on her thumb but it didn’t seem to be enough, not like he had seen it work in the past few weeks.

He met her in the hallway, the door only barely opened. He lowered himself to her height and smiled gently at her.

“Daddy,” she sobbed, and her tiny arms were already wrapping around him. 

He still had trouble believing that he could experience his child growing up like this, that he had somehow been brought back to life and got a  _ third _ chance. He wanted to find out what had happened but when Melinda had displayed the first signs of spiraling down, everybody had concluded that they should pause their investigation until she was doing better.

Well. Fat chance of that happening any time soon.

But still. This little girl was such a miracle. The fact that she was here, this beauty, a child of Melinda May and him, Phil Coulson… it was beyond his comprehension. 

“Hey, baby girl,” he whispered in her ear. He let her cry, taking a seat eventually but holding her close. “It’s okay. Everything will be okay.”

“Mommy?” she asked him eventually. He brushed her hair out of her face, damp with tears, and kissed her cheek. 

“Mommy is in a very deep sleep. She probably won’t wake up soon, but she might be able to hear us.”

“Mommy sleep?”

Coulson nodded. He looked at Fitzsimmons who obviously disagreed with his explanation, but he wasn’t going to explain everything to this tired two-year-old. She might worry even more. 

“We have to be very quiet and careful around Mommy, okay? Can you do that?”

She nodded, thumb back in her mouth, and he got up and entered the room. Aside from the light above her bed, the room was dark, the curtains drawn. Coulson knew that if Melinda were to wake up now, this would be the perfect ambiance, not too much light, knowing she preferred the dark, a headache usually not far away. 

Coulson had tried to keep Amelia from seeing anything of Melinda’s depression, but it was tough sometimes. He had no idea how much the girl remembered of her mother before he had returned, but he guessed there had to be a lot in her subconscious because she was often quite gentle of herself, and he knew kids didn’t tend to be that way naturally. But since he had returned to their lives, and had introduced himself into Amelia’s, he had been trying to give her the most normal picture of her mother he could possibly give her.

But he had kept them apart, he realized that now. He had often kept them separated because Melinda had been in a bad mood and he had feared Amelia would only make it worse. 

Shit. He hadn’t made things worse by keeping Melinda’s baby from her, had he? He would never forgive himself if he was even a little bit responsible for what had happened. (Although he knew he was, because he had died and that was what had caused her depression in the first place.)

He returned to reality and carefully put Amelia on the edge of the bed, and the girl looked at her mother with her thumb still in her mouth. 

“Mommy?”

Coulson sat down in the chair, keeping an eye on Amelia to make sure she didn’t fall. The girl sat like that for a while, staring, her left hand brushing her mother’s. He had been… a little startled at the sight of her hand, the first time he had met her. He couldn’t remember seeing a child that wasn’t ‘perfect’, ten fingers and ten toes and a blush on their cheeks. Amelia had a handicap, but he had learned that it didn’t affect her in any way, really. Melinda had explained it had halted the girl’s ability to crawl, but she had just picked up walking like any other child and Amelia had never showcased any struggles because of her handicap. And he knew, those were Melinda’s genes - never giving up, even if the odds were stacked against you. Always find a way around the obstacles, to deal with them, even use them to your advantage.

Well. Things were a little different now. But he would make sure Melinda got through this. He had always supported her, or tried to, anyway.

Amelia sighed, looked at him, and then settled into her mother’s side. Coulson had to swallow at the sight. There was an undeniable bond between these two that he hadn’t really taken into consideration when he had attempted to keep Amelia away. He should have allowed Amelia to visit her mother.

“I’m sorry, Amy,” he whispered. She would have no idea what he was apologizing for. “I love you. Mommy loves you, too.” 

He scooted the chair closer and put his head on the bed, after kissing Amelia’s free hand. She was asleep before he could blink, and he felt himself slip not long after.

He awoke again in the early morning, Amelia gone. He panicked, reaching for his phone, when he found he had received a text a few hours earlier. 

_ Brought Amy home with me. You take care of yourself. x Daisy _

He sighed in relief and looked at Melinda. 

“Please wake up,” he whispered, kissing her palm again. He could swear he felt it twitch. “I’ll take care of you. I promise. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner. I should have woken up, when you… I… I’m sorry, Melinda. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.”

And when the sun started setting, she woke up.

He jumped up and brushed her hair and felt tears escape his eyes, but she seemed disoriented and confused and he gave her space. She had been in a coma for days, after all. He watched her find her bearings, his hand holding onto hers gently, barely there, just enough to let her know that she wasn’t alone. 

“Am-” she started, but then her eyes focused on him. 

It was like she was realizing all over again that he was still alive; her eyes widened, her lips opening to say something, and then she let out a sigh and closed her eyes.

“Melinda?”

“You’re okay,” she whispered. He nodded and brushed her cheek, even kissed her lips, he didn’t care. She was still getting her bearings and when she lifted her hands to brush his cheeks, she saw the bandages around her wrists. And then it seemed to dawn on her what had happened and she lowered her hands immediately, her eyes averted in shame. It was like watching the bright, beautiful sun disappearing behind dark rain clouds - like it had been for weeks. He had watched her depression take control of her so many times, and he was so ready for her beauty to shine through, to have beaten this depression - for Melinda May to return. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” he whispered. He kissed her hand, her wrist, her forearm. She looked at him, shaking her head. “I’m happy you’re alive.”

“Why am I not dead?” she asked him. 

“Because I saved you. You’re not getting away from this that easily.”

“Phil… Coulson. I wanted to end it for a reason.”

“Which was?”

She cupped his cheeks and it contradicted completely the words that she uttered next. “Only one of us can live. Don’t you see it? You keep dying… because we’re not meant to live together.”

He stared at her, letting her words register. He wasn’t sure he had heard her correctly. He wondered how much of these words were her depression talking. 

“That’s bullshit,” he said, not even bothering whispering anymore. “Melinda, that’s stupid. We’ve lived side by side for decades, and yes, life has been hard sometimes. But I know that we’re meant to be together, you and I.”

“But… Phil…”

“Yes, I die, but I also keep coming back. I know you like to look at the negative side of everything, but I think the reason I keep coming back is because I’m supposed to be with you. Life keeps showing me that I belong with you.”

“Phil…”

“And I’m sorry I haven’t been paying enough attention to your depression. I was too busy trying to find myself to see that you weren't doing well. But that is going to change. I’ll devote my life to you, Melinda May, you’ll get the best care in the world, because I know you’re better than your depression. I know you. I love you.”

And then they were silent, for a long time. Her eyes never left his, even while his hands brushed her hair and her cheeks and he kissed her bandages, and she cracked. She put her hands in the back of his neck and pulled him close, until he had to get up on the bed, too, and he pulled her into his arms.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed into his shoulder. He just held her close and let her cry in his arms, something he should have let her do more often. Just to take the edge off. Just to remind her that he was there and she could trust him and that he would always do what was best for her.

“Have you been taking your medication?” he asked her eventually. She held onto him tighter, as if she was afraid of being reprimanded. She shook her head. “Then file that as the biggest regret of my life.”

“No, it was my fault, Phil. Everything always is.”

He shook his head. “Your depression? That was all on me. I died. I didn't fight anymore. Everything that happened since is to blame on me.”

They were quiet again.

“The girls?” she asked him, changing the subject. They would get back to that important topic, with Sarah’s help. He would be by Melinda’s side every step of the way, make sure she was taking her medication, make sure she wouldn’t be able to pull something like this again. She would probably hate him, but she would be safe. That was the most important thing.

“They’re safe. Pretty shaken up, but safe.”

She nodded, relief washing over her face. She pulled him a few inches closer, as though he wasn’t already as close as he could be. He was careful not to damage any of the tubes or monitors she was hooked up to. 

“I’m so happy you’re still here, Melinda,” he whispered. He would never be able to get the sight of her bloody, lifeless body in his arms out of his mind, but at least she was still alive. He held one of her hands close to his lips, the bandages tickling his skin. “I’m so sorry for the pain you’re always feeling.”

“With you, it’s usually better,” she whispers. She kissed him, their foreheads touching when she pulled away. “I’m happy you’re still here, too.”

Without meaning to, she had given him a sense of what she had been through in the past years. Losing him, holding onto his dead body, burying him - he hadn’t needed to bury her, thank god, she was still here, but he had spent days by her side begging for her to wake up, to come back, to try just one last time to be happy, to overcome her depression. 

“God, we’re an odd pair,” he murmured.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work's been crazy! They've even been cutting down on my lunch breaks but y'all know me, I will never let that happen again. Just saying.  
> Also, I forget to mention this earlier, I think: I'm not a Native English speaker, and I don't like kids very much, so I have no idea how English speaking kids talk when they're still learning to talk. I did some research, believe it or not, and I based my dialogue on that, but just take Amy's vocab with a grain of salt. Tried my best!

Daisy Johnson was well aware she would never have kids herself.

Don’t get her wrong - she would have loved to have kids, in another life, some years ago. But that was before. Before she had joined SHIELD, before she had found a new family there, before she became Inhuman and she had lost many people she cared about, and loved. 

But, she knew being Inhuman was genetically decided. And no matter how proud she was of being Inhuman, how strong she had gotten because of it, because she had found out how strong she was on the inside - she would never want to put another person through that. Especially not a child. Not if she could help it.

So, no. She wouldn’t have kids, ever. (Perhaps adopt, but that just opened a whole other can of worms.)

But that didn’t mean she didn’t have a kid. Sure, this little one wasn’t hers, she hadn’t carried her in her belly for nine months, hadn’t birthed her, nursed her - but she had held this little one in her arms on her very first day, had consoled her, bathed her, taught her some naughty words. She had loved this girl from the moment she was born. 

No. She knew Amelia wasn’t her child, she never would be, but she was as close to a daughter as Daisy would ever have. And it was enough, really. She loved being this little girl’s big sister, had always wanted to be one, more than she had wanted to be a mother.

She didn’t want to be a mother. She would be a terrible one.

“Cay cay?”

Daisy looked up from her cup of tea (ugh) and saw Amy at the kitchen table, drawing something, her stubborn left hand still trying to hold a crayon. Amy had refused to go to bed, too emotional, so they had returned to the kitchen and the girl was drawing now in an attempt to exhaust herself. Daisy could use some coffee but she also just wanted to go to bed. 

“Yes, Amy?”

“Mommy okay?”

It saddened Daisy a little that the girl was occupied with this subject. It wasn’t a surprise, really - May had been in the hospital for more than a week now, most of it in a coma, only having woken up the day before. Amy was too young to grasp the idea of a coma, let alone depression or suicide. She understood that her mother was sad but wouldn’t understand why May didn’t always smile when Amy or Daisy made a joke, or when Coulson kissed her.

“Of course, little one. Mommy is very strong.”

“I scared.”

Daisy got up, abandoning her tea which hadn’t tasted very good in the first place, and rushed over to her sister, gathering her in her arms and holding her tight.

“There’s nothing to be scared of, little one. Mommy will be okay. It just might take some time. But we’ll be there to support her, right? And Daddy will support her, too. And together, we will make sure that Mommy will be okay.”

“Don know how.”

“That’s alright, Amy. The doctors will help fix Mommy, like Dr. Sarah did, remember? All we have to do is love Mommy and give her lots of kisses. You can do that. Right?”

Amy nodded. Her arms wrapped a little tighter around Daisy and the latter knew enough.

“Alright. Time for bed, little one.”

“No!” Amy giggled and immediately let go of Daisy, wriggling out of her arms. Daisy poked her side and Amy ran off. 

“I’m gonna tickle you to bed!”

“No, no tickles!” 

Daisy managed to distract the girl from both May and Coulson, mainly their absence, and had the little girl in bed soon enough. Daisy read her favorite book to her ( _ Brown bear, brown bear _ , which was incidentally also Daisy’s favorite book when she had been small and when there had still been a nun who had actually cared about her) and Amy was slowly sinking into sleep but just before she passed the threshold, her mind seemed to hesitate.

“Mommy.”

“Mommy is fine, little one. She’s at the hospital.”

“I want my Mommy.”

“I know.” Me too is what she had swallowed but she would be strong for Amy. Daisy hesitated for a moment before reaching for her phone and dialing Coulson’s number. She put it on speaker. 

“Daisy? Is everything okay?”

“Just wanted to hear your voice.”

He was silent for a while, Amy looking with wonder at the phone.

“Is Amy there?”   
“Daddy!”

“Hey baby girl! Are you being nice to your big sister?”

Amy looked at Daisy as if to ask, ‘am I?’ Daisy nodded and Amy smiled. “Yes, Daddy!”

“Good! I love you, baby girl.”

“Mommy!” 

Again, he was quiet. Daisy shouldn’t have called, she realized that now. May was probably already asleep, and she needed her sleep, or else they would give her the sleep medication she had refused to take under Sarah’s care. But then she heard the phone being passed around and May’s tired voice appeared.

“Hey, baby.”

“Mommyyyy!” Amy got the biggest smile on her face and Daisy wondered if she would ever be able to bring her down to sleep. But she had to admit, it did feel nice to hear their voices, especially May’s - because now Daisy had yet another image of May she could never get rid of, alongside her in the midst of flames, she now saw her mother, bloody after having cut into her own wrists, in Coulson’s arms. 

Amy and May talked in their own little way, and Daisy smiled at the scene and could probably just fall asleep right here in Amy’s bed, but that wouldn’t be too good on her back.

“Alright, baby girl, it's time to go to bed now,” May whispered. Daisy imagined the woman's gentle face, as she had always showed to Amy, with that flicker in her eyes caused by the love for her child. May was probably not feeling any better about not being able to hug Amy. 

“Okay, Mommy. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby girl.”

“And I love Daddy.”

“I love you, too!” they heard Coulson from a distance. Amy smiled and settled into her big girl bed and pulled the sheets up to her nose. Daisy said quick goodbyes to May and Coulson before ending the call and finishing tucking in her sister.

“See? Mommy will be alright.”

Amy nodded. Daisy leaned down to kiss the girl's forehead.

“I love you, Cay Cay.”

“I love you, too, little one.”

It really didn't surprise Daisy that Amy crawled into Daisy's bed later that night.

~...~

May was moved from the ICU to the psych ward, which was mildly offensive but appropriate under these circumstances. The nurses came in with her medication multiple times a day and only left when she had taken them, which was irritating. Phil’s look told her he would be doing the exact same thing once she was cleared to go home. She was not too surprised - in hindsight, she knew it had not been the best idea to not take her medication. And she got the strongest medication she could possibly get, which basically caused her to be so exhausted she could only lie in bed. Her doctors assured her she would return to something a little lighter in a few days, only trying to battle against her suicidal thoughts for now. (Not that she still had them.)

Once the initial shock had worn off, and she was no longer in danger, Phil yelled at her. He had done it before but never like this - he wore his heart on his sleeve but she wanted him to scream at her more, hoped it would make things more real.

But he loved her a lot. She knew that. It was the only reason he was yelling at her.

And now, Phil did everything for her. He took over some things from her nurses, mostly her medication. He made her swallow everything and even checked if she wasn't hiding anything in her cheeks, with utter fear in his eyes.

May felt ashamed as she watched Phil move around her. He had been concerned about her for a while, voicing it, too. He had asked her if she had been taking her medication and she had lied to him. How could she have lied to him? He had been sweet to her. She knew she could trust him.

But the clouds had been so dark, she had been unable to see any light through them whatsoever. She'd always had quite some control over her depression, with some exceptions of course, but the night she had decided to cut her wrists, her depression had taken the reigns. She hadn't been able to take back control, as if she had been in the passenger's seat watching a nightmare unfold. Although most of her thoughts were hers, and she hadn't really been fighting down those either. She would take responsibility, however.  _ She _ had wanted to be dead. Her depression had only encouraged her.

Yet somehow, she felt she'd had a breakthrough. She now knew she no longer wanted to die. And sure, the staff was rightfully keeping potentially dangerous items from her, but she knew she couldn't do it anymore. If only for the sight of Phil wrecked by her bedside, after having stayed with her for days on end.

Phil rearranged her pillows, refilled her bottle of water - she put her hand on his to try and stop him.

“Phil.”

“Anything else you need, Melinda? Something to eat maybe?”

“Phil, please stop,” she whispered. He was sweet but too much. She didn't need him fretting over her, because she already had doctors doing that. She just wanted him by her side, supporting her, holding her, even just make sure their daughters were safe, because she had hardly seen them at all.

“What's wrong?”

She shook her head and pulled him closer by his hand. He slipped into the hospital bed which was still much too small for the both of them but neither was complaining.

“Just hold me, Phil,” she whispered. She just wanted confirmation that he was still alive, she had been so lonely without him, she had given up multiple times and somehow they were both still here. She could do so much but all she wanted was to hold him close.

God. Maybe she should start believing in a God. Phil was still here, and she was still alive, too. That wasn't luck anymore, that was destiny. Somebody up there was preventing them from separating, even if it took a while sometimes (six months the first time, two and a half years the second), but they were always returned eventually. 

“I love you,” she whispered. Would she ever be able to speak out loud again? “I can't believe you're here. I can't stop saying that. I love you so much.”

He sighed in bliss and kissed her briefly. 

“I love you, too. But never ever do something like that to me again. I swear, I'll kill you myself.”

“I'd like to see you try.”

He chuckled and she felt butterflies in her stomach, it had been a while, honestly, that she had felt like that.

“I'll help you through everything, Melinda,” he whispered, serious again. “I promise. But don't keep anything from me. And please, keep taking your medication, it'll help.”

She nodded. He was right. He was her husband, and he was there for her. She knew that. She would allow him to fret over her more often, let him take the edge off, even if that meant letting her scream and vent, or make love for hours. (Both seemed really good at that moment.)

She was discharged later that day, with her new dose of strong antidepressants and instructions for Phil on how to refresh her bandages every once in a while. She stared at her wrists on the way home, not being able to fathom what had gone through her head to do such a thing. Hopefully, she would always carry some scars, to remind her where her place was. She would have accepted any one of her friends or family to be furious with her but they all seemed to be grateful she was still there. 

Phil carried all of her bags inside and even supported her when she hesitated. 

She felt ashamed. She had been selfish. She had tried to take her own life knowing that she had a family, that they would be devastated. She couldn't expect Daisy or Amy to forgive her, ever.

She shook her head as his hand on her lower back pushed a little. 

“What's wrong?” he asked her. It was not the first time, nor would it be the last. She knew he would keep his promise - he would be with her every step of the way. 

“They'll hate me,” is what escaped her before she was able to stop it. She knew they really wouldn't, they had been through too much and knew they would stick together until the end. But she didn't always have full control over what her depression made her say.

“Of course not. They love you. Here, c'mon. Let's get you inside.” His hand was gentle yet left no space for arguing. She stepped inside the apartment and already heard the TV was on, and Amy was interacting with the show probably exactly how the makers had intended to. May stepped into the living room and saw Amy standing way too close to the TV and Daisy was looking at her phone. Neither seemed to have noticed that she was there, but it was alright. She just stood there taking in the sight of her daughters.

That was, until Phil shut the front door quite loudly and both looked up, only to jump up in excitement at the sight of her.

“Mommy! You here!” Amy jumped up into May's arms and she was just in time to catch her. The girl's body pushed uncomfortably against May's bandages. Amy kept chuckling in her happiness to see May and it drowned out any pain May might be feeling. 

Daisy walked over to her, too, and wrapped an arm around her. Daisy kissed her cheek.

“I'm happy you're back,” Daisy whispered. May smiled at her and nodded. 

She was happy she was back, too.

“You sick, Mommy?” Amy asked. May looked at Phil who was bringing her things to her bedroom. (No,  _ their _ bedroom. He had been here long enough now.)

“I am. But I'll be better. I promise.”

“I make sandich Mommy. You be better.”

“You're so cute,” May whispered as Amy wriggled out of her arms and strutted off to the kitchen. Daisy followed the little girl to assist her.

May felt Phil's big, warm hand on her lower back and he pushed her towards the couch. She protested, she didn't want to be the same way she had been at the hospital, bedridden, but when she sank down onto the couch she realized how tired she was.

Phil covered her with a blanket, cupped her cheeks and kissed her briefly but deeply.

“Welcome home, Melinda.”

She fell asleep before Amy was able to bring her her finished sandwich.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, so, I'm glad y'all like Amy! Admit it, though, with a dad who's as charming as Coulson is, it's not such a surprise the kid is that adorable. Such a sweet talker!  
> Also, this chapter is a little dark again, but not too badly. Also, straying towards M-rated territory a little bit, but not enough for it to be inappropriate. I kept it civil. I think. Also, please excuse the language the characters sometimes use in this story. I swear like a god damn sailor in real life and I don't even realize, and where I'm from the 'f-word' isn't that big of a deal. It shouldn't a big deal, anyway, but that's a conversation for another time. Just wanted to formally apologize for it. I know how sensitive Americans are when it comes to the word 'fuck'.   
> And I just want to personally thank everyone who commented and left kudos but I couldn't possibly get to all of you so I'll do it like this: THANK YOU SO MUCH. We reached a 100 comments and already at 120 kudos and it just blows my mind that so many individuals liked this story enough to leave a kudo!

Understandably, all of them were traumatized by May's suicide attempt, and it made the dark clouds gain in matter, really. How could she have done this to them? They had been understanding, calm, patient with her.

Phil always hesitated when entering the bathroom, no matter how long ago it had been. Even if he knew that she wasn't anywhere close to the tub.

"I've had to hire someone to clean the bathroom," he whispered as she had tried to calm him down when an anxiety attack was threatening to come up. "I couldn't… I didn't want to see that blood again."

Dammit, Melinda May.

He had drawn her a warm bath a day or two after she had returned, and she had rolled her eyes at it, before realizing that Phil was now traumatized - they ended up in the tub together, no real space for two people. Maybe they could replace the memory of finding her like that with good memories, making love, caressing each other's skin…

None of them would ever take a bath in that tub again.

She didn't want to live here anymore, not really. Too much reminded her of her suicide attempt.

~...~

Coulson wanted to help Melinda as best he could, but he felt increasingly helpless with the entire situation. He couldn't really drag her out of bed against her will, but he knew she wouldn't get any better from staying in bed.

Sarah had told him that there wasn't a lot he could do anyway, because you wouldn't expect love to heal a broken bone either. He simply had to be there for her, support her and love her and that was all he could do.

He still felt so helpless. He didn't want to bother Melinda with that. She would claim he didn't need to feel that way, didn't need to support her like that. And he would disagree, because he was her husband and she was his best friend and he would always support her through everything, even if she was wrong, even if she hurt him.

Daisy heard his worries. She also said that he didn't have to feel that way, but it was quite the wrong response. After all, nobody would tell Melinda not to be depressed, because that wasn't how these things worked. But Daisy understood him.

"What do you think she'll do when I buy her flowers?" he asked her once while cooking, Daisy setting the table. Their voices were hushed because Melinda was home, but she was napping.

Daisy grinned and carefully put a plate on the table. She turned around towards him.

"Would you rather hand in your right or left leg?"

He smiled and nodded. Daisy was probably right. Melinda wasn't too keen on overly romantic gestures.

But he was. He had always imagined wooing her by candlelight and dancing with her underneath the stars and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. He wasn't good with words, contrary to popular belief. He used a lot of them but not always the right ones. Melinda had been on the receiving end of both well-meant but horrible words and downright mean words. (His heart had broken into a million pieces when he had found out she had known about TAHITI. But it turned out, she had still looked out for him in the end.)

"I still want to try."

"It's your funeral," Daisy said, shrugging. Coulson knew Daisy was right. But he still slipped out before dinner was finished to buy a discreet bouquet of flowers - not roses, because she hated those. (She hated all flowers, he thought with some fear in his stomach.)

"Special occasion?" the girl behind the counter asked him. He shook his head.

"Just want to surprise my wife." He handed her some cash.

"That's so romantic! Wish my boyfriend would do that from time to time."

Coulson almost believed he was doing the right thing, but when he came home, he found a distressed Melinda and Daisy trying to comfort her. Amy was crying.

Melinda looked up when he entered the room and jumped up. Her hand moved to slap his cheek, he could tell, but then she saw the flowers in his hands. He had nearly forgotten about them. 

She had been crying. Her breathing was off. He dropped the flowers onto the floor and grabbed both her arms, lowering himself to her level. 

"Melinda."

"Where the fuck were you! I thought you were gone!"

"I'm sorry. Hey. Take a deep breath."

She did, visibly shocked she had given such a response. She hadn't hit him, but he would have understood if she did. 

"I'm sorry I left. I went to get you some flowers. But I promised you I would always return to you. Don't you remember?"

"How was I supposed to know? Daisy sprung some bullshit cover-up story and I- I-" She pushed him, but there was no force behind it. (She would have probably killed him if there was.) "Dammit Phil!"

He guided her to the dinner table where Daisy and Amy sat, one of them in shock, the other still sobbing quietly - it was unclear who was which. He didn't employ any other signs of affection because she wasn't open for that at the moment.

He simply stepped over the flowers and brought out their food, left to simmer on the stove.

"Phil…" Melinda started, her tone the complete opposite to her previous one. He shook his head and brushed the top of her hand.

He would take all of the nastiness her depression would throw his way. She was his wife. He would do anything for her.

After dinner, Melinda silently picked up the bouquet off the floor. Coulson hardly paid attention, cleaning their dishes. Daisy was attending to her sister.

Those stupid flowers. He knew he would regret them, but he still had gone out and bought them. 

"They're lovely," Melinda whispered. He felt her head leaning against his upper arm. He kissed the top of her head but continued cleaning. She hovered around, putting the flowers in a vase before returning to him.

He gave in to the desire to hold her close, with one hand on her hip drawing her to him. He tipped up her chin with his other hand.

"Melinda May," he whispered, their lips inches apart. "I won't leave. I promise."

"I'm horrible to you."

He brushed her hair out of her face. 

"I'll take anything you throw at me, Melinda. Nothing you do or say will make me leave."

"But why, Phil?"

"I'm your husband, Melinda. I will always be there for you."

She sighed and stepped into his arms fully and rested her head against his chest. They stood like that for a long time, comfortable, safe. Amy was taken care of by her loving big sister, and all of their bellies were full. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Me, too."

"Are you okay, Phil?"

"Are  _ you _ ?"

She looked him in the eye. He hoped she understood that as long as she wasn't okay, neither was he. His happiness was closely linked to that of Melinda May, had been for years. She was happy, so was he. She was sad… then so was he. 

"You want some tea?" she asked him. He wasn't particularly interested in the beverage at the moment, but perhaps…

"Only if I'm sharing it with you."

She smiled and nodded, kissing his lips briefly. "You go to bed. I'll make us some."

He was still slightly shaking internally from everything that had happened. When he had seen her in such a state he got flashbacks to that one night, was afraid she would fall into a hole again. He had to make sure she wouldn't this time. 

He checked up on Amy and Daisy before changing and climbing into bed. She shuffled into the room not much later with two mugs in her hands and he took them from her so she could change and slip into bed, too.

They didn't have a routine like this, but he would sure love to start one right now. She settled into his arms and it always felt so right, like she was made to be there. 

"How are you feeling?" he asked her, wrapping an arm around her waist after handing her one of the mugs. 

"Better now. Phil, I'm really sorry for my reaction back there. You were just being sweet."

He shook his head and blew some of the steam away from his mug. They were quiet for a while, both just sipping their tea, when Melinda put hers on the nightstand and turned in his arms.

"I'm worried about you," she whispered.

Wait… what?  _ She _ was worried about  _ him?  _ He wasn't the one with depression or suicidal thoughts and yet the person who was, worried about  _ him _ ?

But the longer he thought about it, the more he realized she was probably right. He wasn't very happy either just because she wasn't, and she knew him better than anyone else, so he figured she had noticed that he was a bit down, too.

He put his tea on the nightstand on his side and wrapped his arms around her. She shuffled closer until she was straddling him, their chests flush against each other.

"I worry about you, too. But as long as you're depressed, I doubt it will get better than this. When you're sad… I'm sad."

She closed her eyes and was pulling away but he wouldn't let her.

"Doesn't mean we can't be happy together," he whispered. "In our own little way. You're safe. We're together. That's all that matters to me, at this point in time."

He looked at her as his words registered. Her eyes remained closed but her hand reached up to hold onto the back of his neck.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. He kissed her because otherwise they would just keep talking and her sigh told him she wasn't unhappy with this turn of events. "I'm sorry everything is so weird now."

She wasn't wrong.  _ Everything _ was weird. She didn't know that he remembered everything yet, but with that knowledge, he realized how different she was now compared to his last few days, or even when they had been at the Academy together.

Yes. She had always been quiet. Strict. She would never divulge her darkest secrets, would always try to hide her feelings. She still had smiled for him, though, whenever he had made a terrible pun or when he had teased her about whatever. This was something else entirely - she didn't smile anymore, and even when she did, the smiles didn't reach her eyes. Like she was feigning them to please others. Like it would make him back off and not push her to know how she was feeling.

The biggest difference must be making love with her. He had reduced her to (happy) tears in the past, and was proud of that. Yet now, she cried and he knew it wasn't her incredible orgasm, making her feel happy. She didn't even feel happy, he knew that, even if she would smile at him and kiss him. (Again, no smile reached her eyes. It broke his heart time and time again.)

But the act of making love wasn't weird in itself - the thing that held him back was the 50/50 chance of her orgasm sending her the wrong way. Like a coin toss. 

He wished he could fix all of her problems with just a good hug, a kiss maybe, some tea. It did appear to temporarily improve her mood but she would always go back to her depressive ways.

His tea was already forgotten. At least she had drank some, she should stay hydrated. She hadn't often been the one initiating sexual activities since his return but today seemed to be different. She kissed his lips and he could tell her intent, could tell what she was searching.

"You sure?" he whispered. He didn't want to start something they couldn't finish. She just put both her hands in the back of his neck and linked their lips again.

"Just keep looking at me," she breathed. That was an easy task.

He was fully occupied with her in the next few minutes, trying to notice every little change in her mood. Within minutes, she was rocking in his lap and his vision was blurring and he held onto her tightly, hoping it would throw the coin the right way if he just held her. 

He was scared, for her. For her future. He always had been. She had barely allowed herself a future once, had claimed she didn't deserve one, after Bahrain. He had wanted to give her the entire world, make her realize how worthy she was, but she had been married to Andrew back then and it had been so inappropriate to act on his feelings. Maybe things would have been different if she hadn't stayed in that relationship, knowing that there was only a small chance that she would stay with Andrew. 

He wanted her to have everything she ever could dream of. Endless happiness, love, a cozy home… safety, stability. He had failed in that, because he hadn't been there, and he was entirely to blame for that. He couldn't believe two years had passed, and he had to be honest, they hadn't been good on her. 

"Phil," she breathed, interrupting his thoughts. She was close, and he put his forehead against hers. Her eyes were closed.

"Look at me," he urged her. His hand brushed her hair back. "See it's me. I'm here."

As soon as her eyes opened, tears spilled down her cheeks, she had been holding in her tears, her emotions. Dammit, Melinda. What did he need to do to make her realize he wouldn't leave if she showed her feelings? What did he need to do to convince her depression that he was there to destroy it, every atom of it, never to return? He would be there until the very end, and he had faith that it wouldn't be  _ her _ end.

"I love you," he whispered, brushing her cheek. She sobbed and moved to bury her face against his neck, but then pulled back and looked him in the eye. And then her release washed over her, eyes rolled back in her head and he held her up with both of his hands on her back, reveling in her response, but also still scared for what was yet to come. He didn't want her to feel bad. That was the whole point of making love.

But then their eyes met and he knew with just one look how she felt - he always had been able to. Just one look was always enough. He just hadn't been able to change her feelings as easily.

He felt relief wash over him when a massive grin spread across her face, and he couldn't stop himself when he linked their lips and gave in to his own release. She held him like he had held her and then they were a panting, hot mess, and he kept nuzzling every inch of her skin that came close to his lips.

He lowered them and kept her close. She wasn't going anywhere and that was a good sign. He covered them with the sheets and kissed her again.

"From now on," he whispered, "you have to tell me when you're not feeling well. I won't accept your excuses, Melinda. I know you."

"You won't like what you'll hear."

"I don't care. You shouldn't be carrying the burden alone. You're  _ not _ alone."

She remained silent but her hand was still tracing patterns on his chest. She was sleepy but he had to get his point across, now that he knew she was listening. 

"How do you feel now?"

She looked up at him.

"I feel… pressured to feel something."

He rolled his eyes but they both chuckled. Dammit. He shouldn't allow her to turn the mood around like that. It was a classic evasion tactic.

"I feel good, Phil." She leaned up and kissed him and he sighed in bliss. "So good."

"I love you, Melinda."

"I love you, too, Phil."

"You cried."

She nodded but didn't address that further. He guessed she didn't have to. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so another little filler chapter, next chapter will have more Daisy! (Also, May definitely had a panic attack in 7x03, right? Are we all just going to ignore that?)

May had learned that Phil had regained most of his memories through an accidental slip from Daisy. May felt that it explained that his eyes had changed - before he had remembered, his eyes had looked full of life, yet slightly confused; now, he was still happy, but she could see the ‘old’ Phil in his eyes. She wished that there had been a way to have both those lively eyes and the experience he'd had, but she knew that was impossible. She had held him a little closer that night, and had explained that she knew he remembered. 

“I wanted to tell you before, but you needed to focus on yourself.”

“I've done enough of that,” she replied, still whispering. “I want you to be happy, too.”

His eyes had smiled before his lips had, his fingers tracing her lips gently. 

“I am happy, Melinda. So incredibly happy.”

And if he told her that, who was she to question that? Even though she could tell he definitely wasn't fine. She was keeping an eye on him as much as he was her.

Sarah told May to get into a routine, get out of bed, find something to make her heart race. May couldn't possibly envision herself with a fulltime job any time soon but she still found herself calling Mack to ask about options. (In any case, they needed at least some income because no one was working now and they couldn't keep going like that for much longer. She was living on benefits now but it gave little leeway.)

“We could always use a good self defense instructor.”

“I'm not going back in the field.” She had said that multiple times in her life and she had still ended up going on missions. But not anymore. She would ask both Mack and Phil to keep her from ever going in the field.

“Not asking you to. Just training. I know you're one of the best, Melinda. We'd be lucky to have you.”

Phil saw her to SHIELD's doorstep on her first day with a smile on his face. She didn't really know what was behind that smile but it did fill her with strength somehow. 

“You'll do great. I'm proud of you.”

He kissed her and pushed her into the building. She knew he wouldn't have done that if he didn't have faith in her, and it filled her with love to believe that he was still supporting her like that. 

It felt odd. She hadn't been here in more than two years, and she had actually thought of this place as home - even though she had known at the time that it was stupid because they had barely been there for half a year. Yet she'd had the feeling they might have finally been out of the woods, ready to be happy and healthy and safe. Well. She had been wrong about that.

She ran into Elena on her way to the Director's office. 

“May! Oh my god, I'm so happy to see you!” The woman hugged her and May didn't fight it, a hug from someone other than Phil or her daughters, and it felt nice. Elena accompanied her to Mack's office and May received a warm welcome from almost everyone familiar she came across. It was odd. Why were so many people so happy to see her? She hadn't done anything to warrant such behavior, but it was a nice change from always hearing The Cavalry in everyone's mind. 

Mack had her installed in the gym not long after and she warmed up first, realizing how normal and natural this felt. Her muscles still remembered the movements, although her body was weak after years of inactivity, and she realized that Sarah was right. It did feel good to have her heart racing again, get the blood pumping. 

May wondered why she had never done this before. Sure, she had been unable to get out of bed on most days, but that had never been an excuse in the past - she had still battled the cobwebs and done her routine Tai Chi.

Perhaps one of the reasons she had so much trouble feeling some semblance of happiness was because she wasn't working out anymore. She had been working out quite vigorously since she was a child, having to maintain a certain level of fitness to be able to perform well on the ice. Didn't matter that she didn't like it.

Her class came in eventually and Mack remained on the sidelines to make sure everything went fine. But May had trained people before, mainly Daisy, so she knew what she had to do. These people were even younger than Daisy had been, they would have been level 1 agents in the old SHIELD, so she had to start from scratch.

Not to worry. She could do that.

Elena came into the gym after May's class was over and they sparred for a few minutes, but May could definitely tell she wasn't fit anymore because she lost, but it was still okay because her heart was finally doing what it should instead of just dragging her down into the abyss. 

“I let you win,” May joked as she saw Elena was happy with the result. The woman just laughed and shrugged and then May was on her way back home, by foot, to cool down.

Phil was waiting for her at home with Amy dancing to her favorite pop song that Daisy had no doubt planted in her brain. Amy loved to dance, that much was obvious, and Phil was obviously enjoying seeing her having fun. She came up behind him and kissed the skin in his neck - he was already smiling as he turned towards her.

“Hey! You're looking good!”

She shrugged and picked up Amy who struggled, still dancing. That was when May realized that Amy was wearing clothes she didn't recognize - and that was weird in itself because she had bought literally all of the clothes Amy owned. She inspected Amy as the girl had successfully managed to go back to dancing.

“What is she wearing?”

“Just something I picked up the other day.”

“She's wearing a cape.”

“She loves it! And anyway, it's Cap's. I'm willing to force her into one.”

“Of course you are.”

Phil smiled at her and she let him gather her in his arms. They kissed until Amy let her presence be known, not getting enough attention. Or perhaps she didn't like that her Mommy and Daddy were kissing.

“How do you feel now?” Phil asked her while they were both trying to keep their girl entertained enough so she wouldn't start having a temper tantrum. (She was having more of those, and while May had feared that it might be as a result of Phil suddenly showing up, according to Amy's pediatrician it was most likely just toddler puberty. May was glad she hadn't had Daisy in her care while she was going through puberty, because Daisy had probably been a nightmare.)

“Tired. But good tired.” She felt her muscles burn, could sense that she would have difficulty moving tomorrow, but it felt nice, familiar. It felt good because she knew she was making herself stronger now, physically. She hoped it would help with her mental state, too.

He walked to the kitchen and already reached for the cupboard to get a glass. She beat him to it, taking her medication under his watchful eye.

“You need some time?” he asked. “Because I was thinking of going to the park with Amy. You can have the house to yourself.”

He was so sweet. He was the perfect father for Amy. She had never gone to the park with Amy.

“No, I can come with you.”

But he just looked intently at her and shook his head.

“Nope. You're going to lie down. I can tell you're tired.”

“I'm not a child, Phil.”

He shook his head. “But you nearly died on me. I'm not going to have anything force you like it used to.”

“Phil…”

“Daisy will be home at around three. You'll have some time to sleep.”

“I'll be fine.”

“I won't hear it. Amy, get your coat, you and I are going to the park.”

“Park! Doggies, Daddy!”

“Yes, we will play with the doggies. And then Mommy will be able to get some sleep.”

Amy nodded and did as her father told her to, which was kind of a miracle, considering Amy loved to be stubborn. But perhaps she felt that her mother needed some time off. 

May glared at Phil who still remained smiling. She would have punched it off his face if he weren't so sweet - and if she weren't so in love with him.

“So you think you can leave me alone?”

His face fell for a moment. She hadn't meant to say that, not really, but she just wanted to hear his response.

“What kind of question is that?”

She swallowed and lowered her eyes.

“You're right. I'm sorry.”

He still kissed her and she felt ashamed but he brushed it all away. He ushered her to the bedroom and even drew the curtains and she slipped into bed without even complaining. She could hear excited little Amy and Phil leave the apartment and May fell asleep within minutes.

She went to SHIELD HQ a couple afternoons a week, mostly to get in shape again, but also to tutor new agents. She had not liked working for SHIELD in the past, and she would still prefer to work somewhere else, but she had a routine now and anyway, she was supposed to be in SHIELD - she didn't know what else to do. She had no diploma, having enrolled in the SHIELD academy only, so really, she was destined to stay there. (She understood now more than ever why Daisy was pursuing an education.)

But seriously. She would never go back in the field. She would settle for this semi civilian life and come home each day to her amazing husband and their two kids and that was worth so much more than saving the world. She had done enough of that in the past.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the wonderful comments, I always love to read them! I'm so happy people are liking Amy! I was really afraid I was making her too perfect but she can still be a little shit sometimes - they're called the 'Terrible Two's' for a reason, right? Anyway, enjoy this next chapter! Not so much as an addition to the plot but still, a nice little insight into the family relationships between these lovely characters!

Daisy was kind of a legend in her class at College. Mostly for the fact that she was by far the oldest, but also because she aced every exam and even corrected some of their professors. She couldn't help it that one of their professors had tried to use an already existing function in a script as a new one, making the entire computer crash. Daisy had single-handedly fixed the entire thing while her professor had watched from the sidelines, all the while her peers were cheering and clapping.

She had a lot of experience, not just from books but in the field, hacking even into the White House once. Sure, her course wasn't just about hacking, but programming was at its center.

But, being at the top of the food chain also had its downsides. And today, she had pushed too far, leading to two bloody noses and a dislocated shoulder - all bestowed upon her baby peers after pushing  _ her _ too far.

The dean was using every trick in the book to make her feel uncomfortable, but she had been ‘interrogated’ by the evil version of one of her best friends, she had been held at gunpoint too many times to count. He had no idea to what lengths she could be pushed and that his tactics would lead to nothing.

Well. She could stomach most things. Her peers however had found her limits.

“Are we seriously doing this?” Daisy asked Mr. Mansell, who was still under the impression that he could intimidate her. “I thought I was in College. Looks more like preschool to me.”

“Ms. Johnson, your behavior was atrocious today, and it has been like this for many weeks. I can see no other option than to invite your parents for a firm talk.”

At that moment, the door opened, and Mr. Mansell's assistant guided their visitors inside. Of course, Melinda May looked furious. And of course, Phil Coulson would take May's side.

To imagine that just two months ago, May would have probably brushed this all off, unable to find the strength to come down here and argue with people. 

“I can't believe this,” May already started. No yelling, May never yelled, but her tone changed and you would know you were in trouble. 

“You could wait till you hear the rest of the story,” Daisy attempted to reason. May raised a finger and sat down. Coulson sat down on the other side. 

“Don't need to. You acted out of line.”

Daisy crossed her arms and faced the dean. Stupid. She sometimes wished she could take back the whole adopting thing.

“As you might have already learned, Ms. Johnson misbehaved in her classes. She started a fight with two of her peers, who are currently being attended to in our nurse's office.”

They were quiet for a while, and Daisy could feel all eyes on her. 

“You want to explain this, Daisy?” May asked. Daisy shrugged.

“Not really.”

She looked down at her hands and saw from the corners of her eyes that Coulson and May were talking in their own way, not needing words.

“Then we'll confiscate your phone,” Coulson said. Daisy was just in time to stop the room from shaking with her anger. She still jumped up.

“They were making fun of you, May! They saw our pictures on Instagram and they made fun of you!” They had made cruel depression jokes, and she had briefly wondered how in hell they knew about that, she had certainly never told anyone, but then one of her peers had said the worst thing ever and she had snapped.

_ “There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.” _

Her hands had moved without her noticing and had brought in one other kid who had dared to laugh and then they had both been on the ground and Daisy had been literally pulled aside by her professor.

“They found out about your depression somehow and… and… you're doing so well and they can't see that! I know what you've been through! They don't have the right to joke about that!”

Coulson pulled her down into the chair and Daisy took in deep breaths. He knew that she could control her powers 99% of the time. Now was not a good moment to lose control.

“Mr. Mansell, I want to apologize for Daisy's behavior,” started Coulson in his Director voice. “We'll cover any expenses.” No, they didn't have enough money for that! “We'll handle disciplinary matters at home.” Somehow, that didn't sound quite pleasant.

“Mr. Coulson, thank you for being so reasonable.”

Daisy collected her books from the classroom and joined Coulson and May to the parking lot. May was staring at Daisy for some reason.

“I didn't mean to dislocate that kid's shoulder.”

“Yes you did,” Coulson countered with a faint smile. 

“Maybe a little.”

Coulson was driving, and all three of them were quiet for most of the ride. But eventually, May broke.

“You know you didn't have to do that for me.”

“Maybe not. But they don't understand what they're joking about. I felt like I needed to correct them.”

“More like corrected the position of their noses.”

Daisy forced her smile down and looked out of the window. 

Really. She didn't have a lot of friends at school but that was okay. She knew she didn't make it easy for people to come close. One of her more friendly classmates had compared her to an apex predator once - top of the food chain, no natural predators, able to scare off the lesser animals by just being present. 

“You're doing so well in school, Daisy,” Coulson said. “Please don't ruin it with these stupid actions.”

She knew he was right. They were both right. She didn't need to fight with her peers, but she had felt such pain in her heart at the stupid jokes, she had nearly lost her mother to depression and yet these stupid kids had made those stupid jokes and she had snapped. 

She wanted to be better than that. She wanted to be a good role model for Amelia. She didn't want Amy to resort to violence.

“It won't happen again.”

“It better not,” May muttered. 

“I'm sorry for this. It was just… they said those things and something inside me snapped.”

Neither of them said anything for the remainder of the ride home. Not until May leaned against the kitchen counter with her back towards them, and Daisy and Coulson were left looking at her worriedly. 

And then May wrapped her arms around Daisy, tightly, and Daisy was only too happy to oblige. 

“What's wrong?” Daisy dared to ask her eventually. She didn't want to push, but sometimes you had to with Melinda May these days.

“I never realized what I did to you until today.”

“What you did to  _ me _ ?” May had to be kidding her. Daisy hadn't been the one in a coma for days, Daisy wasn't the one doped up on antidepressants half of the time.

“I've hurt you.”

While that was true, it wasn't the full truth. May had sometimes pushed Daisy away, yelled at her even, but that had only been because May had been hurting. Daisy had always been willing to face May's pain if it meant that the woman would feel better about herself. Daisy had quite a thick skin.

“Okay. Sure. But I would have stopped you if I didn't want you to.”

But May would never believe her, because her depression wouldn't allow her to. 

And once again, they were back at the topic of Melinda May's depression. Daisy wanted to ask when her life had turned into such a shit show but she knew  _ exactly _ when.

“Hey. You want to spar a little?” Daisy knew that usually made May feel better, even recently. “We could do it outside, it's a nice day. And I won't hold back.”

May turned back to the kitchen and got herself some water. Coulson and Daisy were still looking at her. May's head turned to her bedroom door - if May needed a nap, Daisy would let her - but then turned back around towards Daisy.

“Okay. Could use some fresh air.”

Daisy felt hope and pride flare up in her belly and it didn't stop, not even when she was falling face-first onto the grass with May diving on top of her, holding her arm against her back. Especially when some stupid teenage boys thought it was appropriate to make lewd comments about their sparring session, and May gave them a classic death stare that sent the boys basically crying for their mother.

It was worth it. Even if Daisy knew she was probably grounded for the rest of the month because of her actions at school.

~...~

With Melinda at SHIELD HQ for her classes, Coulson had much more time for himself at the apartment. All alone. 

It was quiet. He should really just find a job. But Sarah hadn't cleared him yet despite his sudden memory return. She wanted to be sure he was stable and wouldn't slip into something bad - whatever that meant. In the meantime, he kept his eye on the jobs section in the newspaper - he was well aware that Melinda's part time job in no way would be sufficient to make ends meet, and wondered sometimes how they had managed to live like this for so long. Even worse, Melinda hadn't really had a job since he had died, and had lived off of his inheritance, which hadn't been much but it had been enough, and a minimal benefits plan. Melinda also had to pay for Daisy's tuition fees and Amy's daycare and her own therapy bills. 

He should be able to help out. He wasn't a guest in this family, not anymore.

Daisy was home now, she was grounded. Coulson selfishly thought that it was good for him, to have someone to talk to, yet he realized she would be doing mostly school work, but her loud music and occasional visits to the kitchen for some snacks were better than the alternative.

Coulson started cleaning the rooms a bit, put Amy's toys back in their respective boxes, made all the beds including Daisy's, who seemed disgruntled at being interrupted. He lingered in the master bedroom for a while, tucking in the edges of the blanket, rearranging the curtains. Hmm. They might be due for new ones…

He looked at the bed again. He couldn't quite believe it, still, no matter how many times it was confirmed to him. He could wake up next to Melinda May every single day, kiss her until she woke up, too, and if their schedules allowed it, make love with her until their daily lives rudely interrupted them. 

He got to make love with Melinda May. He was the luckiest man alive, even if their lovemaking didn't always seem to have a positive effect on her. The medication was working in that area but she still spent countless of times after their releases tucked against his side, silent, or her head against his arm to hide the fact that she was crying. It broke his heart. He wanted her to feel good, that was the point of making love, wasn't it? But then he remembered her in the good moments, when the ball fell the right way, how her face contorted in bliss, her mouth falling open… he could make it good for her, even if it was just sometimes.

"Yo, Coulson."

He startled and sat on the bed to prevent himself from falling over. Daisy was standing in the doorway - he could feel himself blushing, and he rarely did. She noticed, of course. She wasn't as experienced with him as May was but she was a damn good (ex) spy and could pick up on subtle things like that expertly.

"Hey, Daisy."

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"I just realized, it'll be May's birthday soon."

Yes, it was. Well, still over a month to go but Daisy was well known for planning ahead birthday gifts and parties. May never wanted any extra attention on her birthday, just some tea with him seemed to be enough. For some reason.

"Was wondering if you were gonna throw her a party or something."

"A party? Oh, no. I just came back from the dead, thank you."

Daisy laughed, even though they both knew the joke was inappropriate. May would not have liked it.

Why were all of his thoughts always about her in some way?

"Come on, it could be fun. Just a few people, we could buy her a cake."

"I thought you knew by now that May  _ hates _ parties."

"She didn't hate Amy's birthday parties. Or mine."

"You threw birthday parties?"

"Duh."

"And May attended?"

"She didn't really have a choice, I made her."

Oh. Melinda didn't like to be forced into anything, it always made her flutter away, but Daisy had somehow managed to make her do a bunch of stuff Coulson had never been able to do. But he realized, Daisy had basically been taking care of two people at once, because May's depression had rendered her useless countless of times. He had seen it happen, even with him. They were walking on eggshells sometimes.

Perhaps that had been the only way to manage Melinda May for Daisy - make her do things they both knew May didn't want to do, for their own good. 

"Okay. Well, I've only thrown a birthday party for her once, she nearly broke my arm."

Daisy smiled. "The cake will do her in."

A little later, they were sitting in the kitchen, Daisy having well surpassed her self-imposed break, looking at local bakeries for the perfect cake. 

"It needs to be perfect, though," Coulson said to the employee over the phone. "My wife, she, uh… well, it needs to be perfect."

"No problem, Sir. We can customize the cake to your wishes."

Coulson and Daisy debated on a cake for a while with the employee offering helpful suggestions. 

"Alright, and do you want the cake to say anything?"

Coulson looked at Daisy. "Do we want a talking cake?"

Daisy stared at him for some reason, like he had just grown a second head or something. 

"What?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"What? What did I say?"

Daisy took the phone from him and finished their order, asking to send the receipt in a blank envelope so May wouldn't find out. (She would probably find out. She was a spy, after all.)

Daisy covered her face with her hands and sat like that for a while. Coulson looked at her, worried - what had he said? - before Daisy started laughing. At the top of her lungs.

"You are such an idiot," she managed to press out. "A talking cake?!"

He realized his mistake now.

"It was a joke."

"No it wasn't!" She was overcome with laughter again and doubled over. He smiled when he looked at her, letting her laugh, enjoying the sight. He so rarely saw her this way, happy, the way she should be.

He had no doubt that she had been putting herself in the background during the past years, to make sure May was looked after and cared for. Daisy had always been good in putting herself at the very last position. As though she didn't deserve to be happy, too.

He hugged her, surprising her, but she was still slightly giggling in his arms. 

"What's wrong?" she asked him when he remained silent.

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, come here, come in closer... *whisper*... before the end of this part of the story (so the document in Google Docs I was talking about) there will be one massive surprise waiting for y'all... but don't spread the word, alright... let's keep it between us...


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yaaay, I finally have a new laptop after using the same ol' laptop since November 2013, and I gotta say, I had no idea how slow and stubborn my old laptop was now that I have this new one. So, in honor of me spending hundreds of euros on a new materialistic thing, you get an extra long chapter! (Also, I just couldn't make it shorter but we won't say that alright? Alright.)  
> Upcoming part is extremely not necessary for you to read, it has nothing to do with this story, I just wanted to discuss it a little bit.  
> So, now that I've seen basically all of the Star Wars Cinematic Universe, I'm beginning to discover more and more movies and shows that past Star Wars actors have featured in. Namely, Ewan McGregor. I just found out that he was Lumière in 2017 BATB and I mean, I've seen that movie in theatres then, I just didn't watch Star Wars yet at that time and now I can't take that entire movie seriously because, French Obi-Wan. Also, he was in Doctor Sleep. I watched that movie in February this year. I had no idea. (Also, don't we all aspire to age like Ewan? The last Star Wars project he was in was in 2005, and we're 15 years later and he's low-key doing some hyping up for the new Kenobi show and he literally doesn't appear to have changed a thing. Especially with that beard. Cue my next middle-aged man obsession. I'm still only 25, he could be my dad. *shrug*)

May knew what day it was tomorrow, but she wasn't going to say anything if the others weren't. 

Daisy had thrown her a big birthday party last year, perhaps as an excuse to get hammered, even though May knew very well that Daisy didn't drink alcohol, either. The young woman had claimed to do it for May but she must have known that May hated having people over without a good reason. 

May looked at Phil as they both got ready for bed, and if he was planning anything in secret, he was very good at hiding it. Then again, she hadn't really tried her best to find any clues because she wanted to believe that he knew she didn't want a party in the first place. 

She still remembered when he had thrown the previous birthday party, must be two decades ago now. He had gone all out, massive cake, everybody they had ever known including her parents were there, and she had learned how good she was at keeping herself from killing him - even if he was her best friend, she would kill him in a heartbeat. (She really wouldn't.) She had made it very clear that she would not be so accepting a second time around, and that someone might lose a limb if he tried it again. 

That was then. That was stoic, yet fun and way younger Melinda May. She had been happier then, even if she wouldn't have thought that back then. 

Now, everything was different. She was different - she was still stoic, but not in that efficient, powerful kind of way. He was different - it seemed with every passing day that perhaps her depression was taking a toll on him, too, because the once so happy and carefree Phil Coulson was no longer visible in his eyes. 

He hadn't agreed with her when she had brought it up. He claimed that if she felt bad, then he did, too, but that was never her intention, and she didn't want him to feel the way she did. 

She was doing a little better now, able to find the positives in more situations and move through the dark clouds, but they were still there, looming over her. 

She could already feel that tomorrow wouldn't be a good day. Her depression just wouldn't allow for it. But she knew Phil - she knew he was hiding something, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what that could be. 

"Phil?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Do you remember my birthday party in '99?" 

He nodded. "Why?" 

"Just checking." 

She thought she could feel him smile against her shoulder but that would certaintly warrant a death glare from her- 

-oh, whatever. She couldn't be bothered. She just slipped into his arms further and was asleep within moments. 

~...~ 

She awoke to the smell of coffee and something baking in the oven. Murmurs from the hallway. Excited taps of little feet that were quickly silenced by being lifted into the air. 

It took her awhile to get oriented, get her bearings. She still vaguely remembered a time in her life where she could be up and awake within seconds, ready to face whatever enemy she might have to fight. None of that now. 

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and sat up, reaching for the glass of water that was always awaiting her on her nightstand. Taking her first pill of the day, she was just about to get out of bed when the door opened and Phil's head poked around the corner. 

"Morning," he said softly with that lovely smile of his. Honestly, May sometimes wished they could make his smiles into antidepressants because she felt they would work much and much better. "You okay?" 

"Depends." 

"The girls prepared some breakfast for you. Do you... need some more time?" 

She thought about that, wondering if she would have the strength to function like a normal human being, but then decided that even if the answer to her own question was no, she would still answer Phil's question with a yes. 

Amy tiptoed into the room in her own adorable little way, which could make an elephant pale in comparison in terms of loudness, but May's heart still warmed at the sight of her baby daughter. Phil lifted her and carefully placed the girl on the bed, where Amy simply dove into her mother's arms and peppered her face with kisses. 

"Hap birdday Mommy!" 

May pulled Amy in close and let Amy rest her head in the crook of May's neck. They both sighed and May realized that maybe birthdays weren't that bad? 

Daisy leaned in and kissed May's cheek and then put the tray full of breakfast on the nightstand. She sat down on the foot end of the bed. 

"Sorry," Phil admitted sheepishly as he too moved down but kissed her lips instead. "I warned her." 

May rolled her eyes and gently nudged Amy away, so the girl could sit beside her, also snuggled underneath the blankets. She reached for the cup of tea and took a bite of one of the croissants, not caring for once if crumbs would land in bed. 

They had breakfast there, in Phil and May's bedroom, talking about nothing and everything, Phil bringing up good memories of birthdays past and Amy babbling in her own little language about the presents that May could have asked for but stupidly missed out on, even planting her little hand against her forehead, causing them all to laugh. 

"Maybe next year, baby girl." 

"Mommy, ask for doggy." 

May had to roll her eyes at that. 

"I'll think about it." 

Eventually, they moved the little party to the kitchen, where a small cake was procured from the fridge by Daisy. She looked so proud, too, as she set it atop the kitchen table. It was plain, a few sugary flowers here and there (she wouldn't begin to pretend that she knew which flowers they were, but knowing Phil, if he'd had anything to do with this cake, it probably held a meaning) but nothing too flashy. There was text written on the top and Daisy turned the cake towards May so she could read it better. 

'Happy birthday, warrior'. 

May looked at Phil first, then Daisy, and by the time she looked back at Phil, she had dissolved into tears. 

She didn't deem herself strong. She had nearly killed herself, twice. She was a burden on everyone she knew and loved. She didn't even have the strength to get out of bed some days. 

Yet for some reason, these people still saw her as strong. A warrior. They thought she was a warrior? Well, she could agree that the enemy that she was facing now was a thousand times worse than any she had ever faced before. But to call her a warrior? 

Phil wrapped an arm around her and gently put his hand on her head, allowing her to place her cheek against his chest if she just leaned in, and she did. 

Daisy lifted Amy into her arms and the two of them disappeared into the toddler's room, no doubt to get dressed for the day. 

Phil pulled her into his arms completely and they stood there for the longest time, her head against his chest, listening to his calm and steady heartbeat, and his hands tentatively on her back, offering her the chance to step away if she wanted to. 

"I'm so proud of you, Melinda," he whispered eventually, pressing a kiss in her hair. 

"I'm not... a warrior," she pressed out between sobs. 

"Yes, you are. You're fighting every day, if that doesn't make you a warrior, and a pretty good one at that, I don't know what will." 

He held her while she let those words register, and suddenly, there were no more tears left to cry - at least, for now. She looked up at him and just had to smile, because he was always completely genuine, he would never lie to her to please her. 

"Please tell me you didn't actually arrange a party?" she asked him once she had gotten her voice back in order. He smiled. 

"Would like to live to see another day. Cleared our schedules for the day, though, so we can do whatever you want to do. I did go ahead and reserve a table at that restaurant you liked so much. Just us four and the team. But," he added, brushing both her cheeks, "if you're not up to it, we can always cancel." 

She loved how she never had to be somebody that she wasn't. She never had to pretend. He could see right through that anyway, and he would always know what was best for her. 

"You mean, the sushi place?" 

He nodded with a smile. There was no one else she would rather be with, to help her deal with her depression, than this man right here. 

He knew her so well. 

"Don't forget the little surprise!" Daisy said, careful not to interrupt too much but still appearing into view with Amy on her hip, both fully dressed. 

Phil chuckled and nodded, getting a remote control from one of the kitchen drawers and pressing the big, red button. She was met by a familiar voice coming from the cake that threatened to make her cry once again. 

"Happy birthday, Mellie. Hope you have a wonderful day together with your family." 

Her father. She dove into Phil's arms while Daisy smiled and started explaining the backstory behind the talking cake. 

May was lucky to have these people to be her family.

~...~

Coulson knew that Amelia had been wary of him at first. He had seen the drawings on the fridge, her Daddy doll (which had nearly brought out tears - well, not nearly, he had actually cried). She'd had trouble adjusting to having a Daddy around, understandably, and she had probably thought he wouldn't stick around. But he had shown up every morning and greeted her and he had watched her open up to him fully - it had just taken a few weeks.

Now, she loved to cuddle with him, give him kisses, have him read stories to her before going to bed. He loved to see that really, it had been weeks, but she had gotten used to his presence so quickly. Then again, she was only two. She would believe anything you told her, that was the beautiful innocence and naivety of childhood.

But she didn't have to  _ believe _ it. It was real. She just had to know that he loved her and that he was her father and that he would never leave, not willingly at least.

Then again,  _ he _ didn't quite believe that she existed. This beautiful, adorable little Chinese girl, who looked mostly like her mother and a little bit like her father, who was so happy and carefree despite the often sad, dark family she had been born into. (Things were better now, though. Not perfect, but he would be there to support Melinda through everything, hopefully giving Amelia a lighter childhood.)

"Daddy?"

She was on the couch beside him, cuddled up to him, her thumb in her mouth. May had tried to get the girl to stop that habit but Coulson knew she was too young. It gave her too much comfort to suck her thumb, and it had been trying times for the little girl, too. And besides, they were trying to get her potty trained as well, so two big changes were probably too much. (And potty training wasn't going as well as they had expected.)

She was growing up really well, though, and he was getting more and more used to her little quirks. He had admitted to not understanding most of what she had been saying, even if Melinda had no trouble understanding at all. He had even asked her if it was English that they were speaking, not surprised if Melinda was using Mandarin as well. But now, he understood most of what the girl was saying, even if pronunciations were off here and there and she used incorrect grammar from time to time. Apparently, she was better at talking than other kids her age. Melinda (and Daisy, for that matter) must have talked to the girl a lot. Which in Melinda's case was a bit of a surprise.

"Yes, baby girl?"

"You stay?"

He brushed her wild hair out of her face and nodded. "Of course I'll stay."

"Mommy sick?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"'Cuz me?"

It felt like a dagger was stabbed right through his heart at that question. Did this sweet little girl really think that her mother was depressed because of her?

"What?"

"Mommy sick 'cuz me."

"No, sweet girl. She's not sick because of you."

"Why?"

He hadn't expected this question yet, if ever. She was two. She shouldn't be thinking about these kinds of things yet. But then she was more mature than most of her peers, because of the odd situation she had grown up in. Amy was incredibly empathetic and showed it often. It suited her, too.

He thought about his answer, had to make it childproof but she deserved the truth. 

"Have you ever missed someone a lot?"

Amy nodded furiously. 

"Mommy!"

He nodded with a faint smile. "And are you sad when you miss Mommy?"

Amy's smile dropped a little when she thought about that question. She nodded. 

"It's a little like that. Mommy is sad because I was gone. And I was gone for so long, the sadness lasts longer, too."

"You back, Daddy."

"Yes I am. And I'm very happy about that," he said, cuddling her a little closer and making her giggle. "But sometimes, we can be crying without really knowing what we're crying about."

"I give Mommy kisses!"

"Very good! And that will help Mommy a lot. But you don't have to worry about her, okay? I'll take care of Mommy."

"I take care o' you, Daddy."

"I already feel much safer knowing that."

Amy chuckled and wrapped her arms around his neck. He held her close, breathing in her surprisingly well-scented shampoo, not complaining one bit that her hair was tickling his face.

"I take care o' you Cay Cay, you take care Mommy."

"Deal."

He would make good on his promise, though. He would take care of Melinda May. Even if she pushed him away. Even if she didn't want his help at all. He would always be there for her.

Amy pushed her legs up on his lap and he pulled her in. They sat like that for a while.

He had missed everything about her, her birth, her first teeth, her first steps, her first words. He could have held her when she was sad, he could have been present for this little girl and be a proper father, not just introduce himself more than two years into her life. 

He still didn't know what had happened to him, how it was possible that he was still alive. He had gotten back his memories from before his death, but he didn't even remember his last moments. Apparently, they had been spent in Melinda's arms, because where else would he be? He would have liked to remember what had brought him here, who had saved him, or what. But it would probably forever remain a mystery. He was happy, however, that he got to have this last chance, because that was what it was - the next time he died, certainly it would be permanent. So all the more reason to enjoy what he had to the fullest.

"Daddy, need go."

"Need to go? Where are you going?"

"Potty, Daddy."

He startled at that but the girl was already climbing out of his arms. She had refused every single attempt to use the potty instead of her diaper, no matter how often they had tried to convince her. So to see her voluntarily go to the potty was quite a shock.

Amy didn't quite make it - she had a little accident on her way to the potty and cried in what was no doubt shame and anger, but Coulson simply comforted her and cleaned her up and let her try again, even if she didn't need to go anymore, just to get a feeling for it.

"I'm so proud of you, Amelia," he whispered, brushing some of her tears from her cheeks.

"Wanna be big girl, Daddy!"

He made her stand, straightened her clothing and held her in his arms.

"But you are, baby girl. You're sleeping in a big girl bed and you're so sweet for Mommy and Daisy. You're a big girl."

Amy didn't calm down the way he wanted her to, she was clinging onto his neck. 

"Okay. Alright. It's okay. We'll just try again next time, okay? I know you can do it."

He kissed her cheek and kept her fussing down to a bare minimum. He cleaned her properly in the bathtub with lots of toys to keep her entertained, brushed her damp hair and tucked her in for her nap, and by that time, her tears were gone. 

And when he stepped into the living room, Melinda came home looking exhausted so he was happy he had put their little troublemaker to bed. 

She peered into the nursery with interest and curiosity and smiled at him when she returned. She kissed him and pushed him against the kitchen counter and he gave in briefly. She was still smiling when he pulled away.

"How was she?"

"Emotional. Had to pull her nap forward." Melinda nodded and put some fresh water in the kettle. "Oh, she, uh, tried the potty today."

Melinda turned around quickly and stared at him. He nodded with a faint smile.

"Granted, she didn't make it, but it's a start."

Melinda's face fell a little at that realization and he brushed her hand. 

"She trusts you, though. I didn't even get that far with her." And Melinda had been all Amy had known for two years, her normal, her go-to comfort provider. Amy had only known Coulson for a couple of months, and yet it was obvious they still had a connection, even though they didn't know each other as long as Amy knew the others.

Perhaps the baby in Amy still remembered his voice from when he was talking to Melinda's belly. (He really wished he could have seen more of that, could have seen her belly full of life.) But she probably enjoyed having a man in the house, like her mother and sister did, too. It was fun being with only girls, but men did bring something else into the mix. Even though admittedly, he wasn't often the poster boy for utter manliness. Still, Melinda appreciated him, his presence, and she had admitted that she liked having a strong,  _ muscular  _ body to cuddle up to. Well, Melinda always knew how to stroke his ego.

"How was your day?" he asked her, gathering her in his arms again. This time, she was pushed against the counter and she almost linked their lips instinctively before realizing he had asked her a question.

"Good." She paused and looked up at him and he saw a smile spread across her face. God. Yes. He had seen her smile before but it would never get boring, to see happiness on her beautiful face, breaking through her depression. "It was good. I feel good."

He kissed her and lifted her onto the counter and she even let out a chuckle which was the cherry on top of the cake. To imagine that a few weeks ago, she had sat in the living room silently, sometimes crying, but altogether having a huge dark cloud looming over her - it seemed almost impossible with this woman here, who obviously still had relapses and sulked in their bedroom by herself. But she seemed happy now. Happier than she had been back when-

He kissed the skin in her neck to distract himself from that upsetting memory, but they were unfortunately interrupted by Amelia who appeared in the kitchen, her Daddy doll clamped against her side by her left arm and her other hand both holding on to her blanket and providing her a thumb to suck on. (She got creative with holding multiple things, because she didn't always want them to help her.)

She whimpered something and he was pretty sure it was 'Mommy', but her thumb kept it from coming out. Melinda looked at Coulson, then gently pushed his hands away and slid off the counter.

"Hey, baby girl. What is it you need?"

Amy kept whimpering, tears on her cheeks. 

"Use your words, baby girl. What can I do for you?"

"Hug."

Melinda wrapped her arms around the little girl and they stood like that for a while.

Coulson just loved to see it. He was there when she had been making plans with Andrew to start a family. Well, when he said 'there', he meant he had heard her complaints when it didn't work out like she had wanted it to. Despite the fact that it was with another man, he had wanted her to be happy, have kids, because she had wanted to be a mother for so long even though she had denied it all those years. When she wouldn't get pregnant, it had affected her more than she would admit but he had seen that, he knew her better than anyone else did, probably even more than Andrew the psychologist did. 

Melinda kissed Amy's cheek and stood, lifting the girl in her arms. "I'll put her back, be right back."

Coulson nodded and watched her leave.

She was a mother now, and a damn good one at that. She had her flaws, of course she did, everyone had them. She had her mind work against her but she was strong, incredibly so, and he knew she could overcome her depression eventually, learn to live with it, give it a space in her head that wouldn't allow everything to be blackened by it. 

She'd had to do everything alone, with help from Daisy of course, but he hadn't been there to help her, like he should have been. They had conceived that little wonder together, so they should have been raising her together, too. He still remembered watching Melinda sleep, her belly slightly swollen, and praying to whoever was listening to give him another chance, just one, he wouldn't mess it up, but he just wanted to be with her, with their little baby, hold Melinda's hand until she broke it while contractions were wrecking her body; hold her down while Amelia woke up in the middle of the night, hungry, lonely, and bring their little girl into their bedroom so Melinda could breastfeed her, could comfort her like only mothers could.

He had enabled her to be a mother, but he wasn't certain that he was proud of it anymore. Sure, he had fulfilled the one wish that had always eluded her all those years, but she'd had to do it all by herself, while grieving him, heavily depressed.

For that reason, he was even more proud of her than he had already been. She had faced every hurdle with bravery while he would have cowered. 

The kettle whistled and he turned it off, already putting her favorite mug with a bag of her favorite tea in it on the counter, ready to be filled with hot water when she was finished. He made to prepare his own coffee, realizing it might be more efficient if he also started drinking tea, but while he and Melinda were similar in a lot of ways, in many other things they couldn't be more different.

He felt a soft hand on his back and turned around with a smile. He was already kissing her before she could say anything, but she knew they had to be a little more productive than just straight out making love here in the kitchen. (Although, he might convince her for a steamy round later that day if he could convince Daisy to take her sister to the park once she returned home.)

"Any particular reason she gives me more kisses than usual?" Melinda asked, smile threatening to show up on her lips. He shrugged innocently. 

"She loves you."

"Right."

He smiled at her and kissed her and poured the hot water in her mug. She picked it up and shuffled to the couch where she basically crashed down. 

"Do you need time alone?"

She shook her head and cuddled into his side when he sat down beside her. 

"I'm so proud of you, Melinda," he whispered. She didn't respond, just sighed in bliss. "I love you."

They had a moment of peace, together. This is the life he had envisioned for the two of them. Cuddled up on the couch in their apartment, baby daughter napping contently, adult daughter off living her life.

This is the life he had envisioned for  _ her _ . Peaceful, quiet. Not having to look over her shoulder, not having to fight for her life. Just… sit on a couch, drink some tea and be able to breathe. 

They might not have a perfect life, all of them were in therapy for wide ranging reasons, but it was good enough for him. It was good enough for her. Apparently. 

"I'm still not okay," she whispered. She was opening up more about her feelings, something he had never really seen her do in those decades he had known her. Everything had been non-verbal, but he had already established that he knew her very well. He could tell when she wasn't feeling well, when she needed to be alone, or when she simply needed someone to talk to.

"I know. That's okay."

"Is it, though?" She was always doubting herself, always feeling guilty for everything, always feeling like she was a burden. It wasn't the strong Melinda May that he had known, but he knew the reason for it. 

"Yes, Melinda. I've never known anyone as strong as you. We'll get through this, together. I promise."

She didn't respond to that anymore and just sipped her tea. He turned on the TV a little later, and she stopped him from channel surfing with a scowl on her face. They ended up watching part of an episode of some Western show they didn't know, and he could tell immediately when she fell asleep. He stayed like that for a while, her cuddled against him, the unfamiliar show running on the TV. 

She was so sleepy these days, he almost couldn't believe it. Much like their toddler daughter, Melinda needed at least one nap to get through the day, although she usually fought the urge, resulting in some crankiness in the evenings. He always loved to see her fall asleep, eyelids closing only to open wide when she realized they had been closed, then the whole circle repeated itself, until she gave in to her sleepiness and kept her eyes closed.

Amy reappeared in the living room again, and Coulson already knew she would no longer nap and would raise hell later that day when her crankiness took over from her, too. He better get Melinda in bed, or else he would definitely lose both battles. 

He raised a finger to his lips to indicate that Amy should be silent, then carefully put his hands underneath his sleeping wife to carry her to their bedroom, bridelike.  _ Bridelike _ .

He had thought about proposing again, but they were already married, so there was no need. But if he could just say some vows, have her hear it, make her realize he would keep his promises to her and would keep her safe, happy, warm… she wouldn't accept that. 

Amy shuffled in behind him and he carefully placed Melinda in bed, tucking her in, kissing her forehead. Amy was holding on to his leg and Coulson could tell that she wanted to join him, kiss her mother, too, but he knew that Melinda would wake up if she felt or even heard that her daughter was close. He brushed Melinda's hair out of her face and picked up Amy right before she was able to climb onto the bed.

He walked out of the room and Amy was fussing but he kissed her cheek, repeatedly, which basically drove her tears back into her eyes. She looked at him, half-offended, he had kept her from her mother and had kissed her cheek when she was about to fuss, she must be furious.

"We'll let Mommy sleep, okay? We'll watch some Paw Patrol."

Amy sniffed and nodded and a small smile spread across her lips. And then he was back on the couch, with his beautiful daughter in his arms. This would never get old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, yeah, I hadn't really written her birthday at all but because so many of y'all expressed interest in reading her reaction, I wrote something small earlier today. Please excuse any grammar errors or typos, I didn't proofread that part!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the lovely comments! And also, wth was that episode, y'all. So May is practically a robot now but she can feel other people's feelings? They're probably setting things up so that she can only really be with Coulson because he's a robot and she won't get overwhelmed, right? Also, why in the hell did they leave Enoch behind? I feel so bad for him! (He's such a mood, tho.) And I really liked the black and white!  
> Also, sorry for the delay! I just finished two nightshifts and well, I'm pretty much useless on those days.

They went to the beach (for as far as Lake Ontario had beaches) one day, it wasn't as warm as it had been that summer but they still had some nice, sunny days. Daisy had a rare few days off from school and homework and revising, and Mack could miss May just enough to let her go for the weekend. (Because these days, whenever she planned something, she always allowed for a recovery day.)

Not that she wanted to go. There were about a million things she would rather do than go to a beach. 

But Phil was so excited about it, and he had transferred that feeling onto their daughters. Daisy visibly lit up at the idea of swimming and sunbathing and playing with her sister, who in her turn was excited because her father and sister were excited. 

"What's holding you back?" Phil asked her as he threw a beach towel in a bag. She sat on the edge of the bed, one of her legs tucked underneath her. 

There were literally too many things to name that were holding her back.

For instance, she wanted to stay in this nice dark room because she felt a headache coming. She wasn't fit enough to rock a swimsuit. Her wrists would be exposed and it would show everybody the scars of what she had done to herself and her family. Amy didn't know how to swim. May would only bring everyone's moods down. 

Besides, Melinda May wasn't a big fan of beaches.

"Maybe you can go without me."

"Not an option. Either we go together or we don't go at all."

Well, then that was unfortunate. She looked up at him, saw the hope in his eyes and she just shook her head. She looked away. 

"I can't do it, Phil."

He was quiet. She always felt so guilty. He was trying to give all four of them the best life they could possibly have and she was always weighing down on him, cancelling plans at the last minute because she thought her bed was more interesting. But she felt the pull of the soft mattress and she just… just… couldn't. She was already inching back underneath the soft covers but his hand pulled her back up.

"Do you trust me, Melinda?"

"You know that's not-"

"Because I'll show you another good day." Just like he had managed to show her countless more. He grabbed her hand and made her look at him.

"Do you trust me?"

She nodded without thinking about it and he returned it, kissing her forehead briefly before continuing packing their bag. She sighed.

Well. Guess she was going to the beach.

Daisy was already out of her clothes before they had fully settled into the sand. (She was still quite fit for someone who no longer had the time to work out. May wondered what the woman did when she was 'meeting peers for revision'.) Daisy ran off and into the water and didn't reappear for a while.

Phil was wearing a stupid sun hat because he had always been prone to sunstroke. He had a big head so not a lot of hats fit him. Amy had giggled at the sight of her Daddy like that. 

May had bought swimsuits for the little girl in the past, but she had never used them at all. She had never felt the urge to go swimming like she knew Phil did, considering he had been an avid swimmer when he was younger, and even without actually swimming, visiting a beach meant socializing with people and wearing a swimsuit herself and she didn't like to attract attention. (She had visited a baby/Mommy swimming lesson once because Daisy had insisted, but she hadn't liked the other mothers bragging about their three month old.)

But Phil had hoisted Amy in a swimsuit at home anyway and he was already pulling off her clothes to reveal a super cute blue swimsuit with little watermelons, and ruffles on her hips. Amy was distracted by watching her sister swim in the sea, but May could tell the girl's hands were shaking a little.

Okay. This was definitely a mistake. Amy wasn't ready for this, and neither was May, and she was already packing her bag to leave when Daisy called to them.

"Come on, Phil! The water's nice!"

Phil nodded with a smile, quickly rubbed some extra sunscreen on Amy's nose, helped the girl's arms into floaties and picked her up, rushing towards the ocean.

May watched them leave and felt panic settle in her chest already. She took in a deep breath but it didn't leave. 

Oh god. Oh god. She trusted Phil but a wide range of things could happen and then she would lose her baby and perhaps even Daisy and Phil and then she would be all alone, she couldn't go back to that dark time again, even though her present wasn't that bright either. 

She jumped up and ran to the ocean, not bothering taking off her clothes until she felt the weight of them dragging her down and she tripped on a sandbank and disappeared beneath the waves.

Oddly enough, it was quiet down here, something she hadn't heard or felt in a long time. She felt light, nothing pulling her down, and her tears didn't pool on her chin. Eventually, she saw two familiar, strong legs and then she was pulled above the surface, taking in deep, gulping breaths. Phil was holding onto her tightly, and she just wanted to stay beneath the waves, have his strong arms hold her and feel that peace, that quiet around her again. It was all she needed. 

"You okay?"

She nodded faintly and saw over his shoulder that Daisy was holding Amy with a shocked face. Amy didn't really seem to have noticed, was instead paying more attention to the strange ocean around her. Amy appeared to be totally fine, and so did Daisy. May realized she had overreacted again.

"Let's get you out of these clothes," Phil whispered. May pushed his hands away, surprising herself. 

"No. I… I can do it." He nodded at her and kissed her cheek before letting her go. 

She felt stupid walking to their stuff, a couple of people looking at her like she'd grown a second head. She peeled off her clothing and saw the faint lines on her wrist immediately. If she would tan, they would probably get even worse. 

She looked at her little family playing in the ocean, Daisy holding onto Amy while the two were laughing, Phil looking over at May sometimes and waving when he saw she was looking at them. She took in a deep breath, took off the remainder of her clothing until she was left in just her black bathing suit. Another deep breath.

Her family was fine. Phil would make sure of that, as would Daisy. None of them would let anything bad happen to Amy. 

She joined them while Phil was teaching Amy how to kick her legs underwater to move forward. Amy had the best time and squealed when she saw her mother. 

"This is fun, right?" Phil whispered in May's ear when she was still trying to deal with the enthusiastic two year old in her arms. May didn't even feel the need to hit him like she usually did, just nodded and allowed him to take Amy from her. He carefully took off the floaties and handed them to May. She must have shown fear because he just chuckled and kissed her.

"I'll be super careful with her. You go rest in the sun." 

He wandered off while Amy was babbling enthusiastically to him about 'water' and 'swim' and 'sharks, Daddy?' and May smiled at the sight. Daisy hovered around her until she grabbed her hand and whisked her away from the scene. Daisy rolled out both of their beach towels and laid on her back, sunglasses ditched in favor of getting better tan lines.

May sighed and mimicked Daisy's actions, instead laying on her front. She was still facing the ocean, like she was keeping watch over her husband and baby daughter. Usually, May would have worn a bikini too, because she had always been proud of her body, but her depression had told her she should probably hide it now because of the C-section scar on her lower belly. 

"You gotta trust him."

"I do."

"Doesn't feel like it."

May looked at Daisy who had closed her eyes and was already in relaxation mode.

"I do trust him, Daisy."

"That's why you ran into the ocean fully clothed."

"I panicked."

"Uh-huh."

Daisy was quiet, while May was left staring at her. 

Could Daisy be right? Was she not trusting Phil enough? She gave him the responsibility of their daughter but she did have to admit, now that she thought about it, she did often keep an eye on him while he cared for Amelia. She knew he was capable. He had proven himself often. And in his turn, perhaps he didn't fully trust her, either. Why would he? She had nearly killed herself.

She should work on that, trusting him, and also earning his trust. They were both the driving force of this family, together, as a front.

"Hey. I know you love him," Daisy said, softly. "It's obvious. But it's also clear you don't fully trust him. Even if it's just a tiny part of you holding back… and he can tell."

"He never told me."

"No, duh. It's Coulson. He would never hurt your feelings."

Daisy closed her eyes again and settled back down. 

May felt ashamed. Daisy was right. Phil deserved better than her… but somehow, he did still decide to be with her, after everything that had happened, every struggle she had caused him. 

She pushed the dark clouds away. No. She would show him that she trusted him. She didn't know how yet, but she would work for it. He had always fought for her too.

~...~

He had looked at her with concern when they had come home, all of them a little red in the face and completely exhausted. 

Amy had had a lot of fun but she was also tired now, fussy, and only May's arms could soothe her - something Phil and Daisy probably, hopefully, knew not to take personally. They had a quick dinner and then she tucked Amy into bed, who was already asleep.

Daisy thanked them for a good day and retired to her room, and they let her. Phil prepared himself some tea while May grabbed a bottle of aloe vera cream from the bathroom. 

"Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you trust me?"

He looked up at her as if he was startled by that question, then she could see the confusion in his eyes.

"What?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Where is this coming from?"

"I just want to know, Phil. Do you trust me?"

"With what, exactly?"

"Everything." She felt herself getting sucked into a deep hole. She was too much of a burden on him, of course she was, she was always so sad and tired and angry and he was so… nice. Sweet. He deserved better than her.

"Well…"

See! He didn't trust her! Oh my God, this was all her fault, she had abused his trust in her the day she had killed herself and she might not have succeeded, but it had broken everything between them! She should have succeeded, should have died right then and there, it would have been better for everyone involved.

She felt his hands on her upper arms and only noticed then that her breathing was off. He directed her to the couch and made her sit down.

"Take a deep breath, Melinda," he told her, softly but firmly, and she did as he told her. When her breathing slowed down, he talked.

"I do worry about you, Melinda. You almost died in my arms, and I keep seeing the same warning signs every now and then, the ones I ignored before. You're still on antidepressants, you know… but, I know you'll do the right thing. And the right thing is to live. I trust you with that."

She took in a deep breath and let it leave her on a long exhale. He kept holding on to her hand, his other occasionally brushing her hair out of her face.

"Being worried about Amy is instinct," she whispered. "I've always had to look after her myself. But… I trust you with her. I think. Mostly." She shook her head. "And I'm sorry if I've ever given you the feeling that I don't trust you with myself."

"Hey. I understand. You were traumatized by a lot of things in your past, and more recently, with my death and the fire. But, I trust you. If that's what you want to know, then there you go. I'll trust you more from now on."

They sat there in silence for a long time, and May still felt shame in her lower belly. Damnit. He was so nice, and she was weighing him down, and she was even getting tired herself of her shit but-

"You know I won't let anything bad happen to Amy. I promise."

She brushed his cheek.

"I know. I know that. But I always feel so scared. Like… something bad is going to happen. And I can't stop it. And I'll lose her like I lost you. And… I'll die. And there's just so much tension in me all the goddamn time and I have to keep myself from doing something bad and I hate myself for it but I just… can't stop the feeling. And I thought that maybe working out and working in general would help but I still… feel like shit. And I'm just so done with feeling like this, I'm weighing everyone down and you're all so happy and I… I… I want to be happy, too. I really do."

"Then we'll get you happy. You can be happy, you deserve it. As much as anyone else. Don't believe what that voice in your head is telling you."

She believed that, even just partly. She knew she deserved to be happy, she had been through enough shit in her life to deserve a happy ending.

She really needed another session with Sarah, to get some things to work with. She needed to trust Phil more, and needed to ignore her bad thoughts. Easier said than done. But one of these days, surely, she must be able to focus on happiness. Right?

"Is there anything I can do to relieve your tension?" He probably meant some soothing tea, or perhaps a massage. She just looked at him and he knew enough because they had never needed many words. He was already carrying her to the bedroom with a smile on his face, and some sunlight shone into her heart at the sight of his stupid, doofus grin, like a little boy in a candy store. Still. They had been together for months now, and they had made love often, but he still smiled like that and it warmed her heart. 

She didn't even last five minutes until she was fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, it was not quite certain to me where they were situated other than Lake Ontario, so I just went with that and they will stick around that area too for the rest of the story, home and house-wise.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Father's Day to all the lovely fathers and granddads out there! Also, this chapter could have had more of that spirit in it but as I mentioned before, I wrote all of this like a year ago and had no idea when it would be published, so I guess you'll have to make do with this content okay byee.

She'd had a good night's sleep, which was quite rare. She was always so tired but no matter how often she slept, she never seemed to improve. 

But she was feeling good. She felt warm, because Phil was in bed with her, and he was spooning her, his arm draped lightly around her. She felt… strangely light. Happy, even. Well, certainly happier than she usually felt. She was confused for a moment, surprised why she felt that way. She still wasn't sure as she disentangled herself from him and went to the toilet and then poured herself some tea. Her limbs didn't even hurt doing it. She sat down on the couch and enjoyed the quiet. It sounded a lot like the ocean had, calm, not void of sound, just peaceful. Everybody was still asleep, but she could hear everyday life had started for their neighbors, the rest of the world. She heard cars and people outside but she was glad that in her little bubble, everything was silent.

Daisy was up. May could hear her muffled grunts as she attempted to get out of bed, and then she heard water running and the grunts stopped. May smiled as she took another sip of her tea.

Hmm. So this is what it felt like to have peace. Not look over your shoulder for someone who is ready to murder you, not fearing aliens, rogue Inhumans, demons,  _ robots _ . (She still felt like the Framework had messed with her mind. Her memory wasn't what it was supposed to be.)

It felt… nice. And she knew, she realized, with more shame than before, that she'd already had all this. The loving husband, sweet but rebellious adult daughter and perfect baby daughter. She had just never been able to see that… her depression hadn't allowed her to.

She felt the need to check up on Amy but she knew the baby girl was probably just fine.

Okay. Maybe a quick check wouldn't hurt. When she was certain the girl was still breathing, May shuffled into her own bedroom and saw Phil was still fast asleep.

God. What a life this was. She had always wanted to wake up to this sight, and even though he was much older now than when that thought had first entered her mind, she was still grateful for the view. 

She sat down on the edge of the bed and brushed his cheek. He had done this to her many times before, she had never been the first to wake up. But this was nice. He was nice. And beautiful. And so sweet. And naked in her bed. And basically perfect. How had she not seen that these past few months? 

He was perfect for her. Even with all of his scars, his cybernetic arm placed on the nightstand (she put her cup next to it), his thinning, graying hair - it was all so beautiful to her because it made her realize that he was still there, that he was still alive somehow and that she still had a chance to live with him. 

"Hey," he whispered, a smile on his lips but his eyes mostly closed. His right hand came up to cover hers against his cheek and her thumb came out to brush over his lips. "You look good. Did you sleep well?"

"Surprisingly, yes."

He smiled and pulled her in for a kiss, and she melted against him, like she always did. He took advantage of that by pulling her down onto the bed and into his arms. He pulled away after only a little while, scrunching his nose, looking into the direction of the door.

"I smell tea."

She giggled and rolled her eyes and buried her face in the crook of his neck. "I thought you didn't like tea."

"You're reconditioning me."

She smiled and kissed his skin briefly.

"I could make you some."

"You're the best."

She got up and returned to him with his cup, but he was almost falling asleep again, until he smelled the tea and shot up. He sat up straight with similar grunts as May had heard Daisy issue a few minutes ago. He reached for the cup and took a careful sip before putting it on the nightstand and reaching for her.

"Finish your tea," she whispered, looking at the cup. He shook his head. 

"I suddenly lost interest." She slipped into his arms with a sigh and accepted his kisses, picking up effortlessly where they had left off the night before. Well, where she had left off last night, because she had fallen asleep and left him hanging and oh - she was a worthless lover.

"I'm sorry about yesterday, I was so ti-"

He silenced her with a toe-curling kiss and she succumbed without hesitation and before they knew it, they were making love again and she realized she had such bad self-control when it came to him, but she also realized that she didn't really care. And for a few blissful moments, rocking in his lap, there was little that existed to her other than him, his arms around her, his kisses on her skin. And she didn't feel the dark clouds lingering above her, could almost feel the sun shining onto her face, he was there to support her when she fell over the edge of pleasure and she crashed into his arms. 

He sank down and still held her in his arms and she was often reminded of how strong those muscled arms actually were, how safe she was in his hold, he wouldn't drop her, he wouldn't let her down. They both laid on their sides while his arm pulled her close against him. She didn't stop her hands when they caressed his skin.

She knew, sex hadn't been necessarily good for her since he had come back. Sure, the act had been enjoyable but she was usually left even sadder than before, unable to fight the clouds from overpowering her. He would try to soothe her as best he could but it usually only made things worse, realizing how awful she was to him and not tending to his needs. 

He sighed in bliss and kissed the skin in her neck. 

She was still not good, not well, far from it. She hadn't even paid attention to his release, but when she pulled away to investigate, he wouldn't let her. 

He just kept her there, and she was forced to focus on her own pleasure, and the fact that he was so close - and she realized, there was no dark cloud, just some guilt of not being able to return the favor - she also realized that that was normal, and that sex wasn't supposed to be perfect, but it was still satisfying for both of them and he certainly didn't seem to be complaining.

"Do you ever just switch off your head?" he asked her, slightly amused, slightly out of breath. 

"What?"

"You're thinking too loudly."

Perhaps that was the whole reason she was in this mess in the first place. She was thinking too much, listening to the voice in her head too much, and not allowing herself to just feel.  _ Feel _ .

She  _ felt _ fantastic. His strong body so close to hers… her release still fresh on her tongue. 

"How do you feel?" he asked her. She just smiled and nuzzled his cheek with her nose. He kissed the skin in her neck as acknowledgement of her response, much more wasn't needed.

God. She loved this man. With every fiber in her body she loved him. She couldn't even remember a time when she hadn't loved him. 

The door opened without a knock and that alerted May immediately to who could be walking in now. (Daisy had the wisdom to knock before entering.) Phil was already moving up the covers quickly while May straightened her hair.

"Mommy! Daddy! I wake!"

The girl jumped into bed and the spell May had been under due to the amazing lovemaking Phil had made her experience was broken. Still, she kissed her unknowing, oblivious baby girl on the cheek and made her lie between them, on top of the sheets. Phil was merely smiling sheepishly - it didn't seem to bother the girl that she had interrupted something. 

"Good morning, baby girl," May said, thinking of ways to get Amy out of bed without making things awkward. Really, it would only be awkward for her and Phil - Amy was blissfully oblivious to everything, especially nudity, although this was the first sexual nudity she had come across and May would have preferred to keep that number at zero.

Then she realized that Amy had seen May's naked body often in her short lifetime (being a single mom sometimes required her to make privacy sacrifices) and she hadn't discussed this certain topic with Phil. So she just sighed, lifted the covers and searched for her PJ's while Amy was babbling happily to her father, despite having just woken up. 

"I telled monster I has strong Daddy kick his-"

"Okay, let's get you something to eat, alright?" May interrupted, knowing full well what kind of language her two year old already possessed (thanks to Daisy), and lifted Amy off the bed.

Phil looked at May with an apologetic smile. May shook her head. They would have time to continue. They had all the time in the world.

She couldn't wipe the satisfied, happy smile from her lips all morning. 

~...~

Sarah smiled at May as she entered the office, and it annoyed May a little. She really didn't like to be psychoanalyzed, and Sarah knew that, but somehow the woman had still decided to do just that. 

May had poured herself some tea and perhaps that was odd to Sarah, considering May usually didn't bother to drink it until Sarah had put it in front of her. 

Was May psychoanalyzing herself now?

"Have you been taking your medication?"

May had stopped feeling offended whenever people asked her that question. They were only looking out for her.

She nodded.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

Sarah's face returned to professionalism and she nodded solemnly, writing down some things in her notebook, like usual.

"How's Phil?"

"Fine."

Sarah nodded again. They were both quiet for a while, neither saying anything. Sarah kept looking at May but she was not impressed - she had pulled this move herself many times during her life, surely it wouldn't work on-

An involuntary smile spread on May's lips. She couldn't help it. Everything was going well - Daisy was excelling at school, Amy was finally starting to talk for real, and May and Phil, well… 

"I knew it," Sarah said eventually. 

"I didn't say anything."

"Don't need to."

May knew that. Of course she did. Micro-expressions would always give someone away without them wanting to, without them even realizing their face had moved. 

The move she had just pulled was far from a micro-expression. She had basically given away all of her inner thoughts.

"He seems good for you, Melinda," Sarah stated.

May lifted her cup to her lips and took a sip. It was mostly to prevent Sarah from seeing any more of her feelings, good or bad.

Of course Phil Coulson was good for her. That's why she had been struggling so much when he died. That's why she was in therapy with Sarah, why she was on antidepressants, why everyone she knew always worried so damn much about her.

May nodded. 

"I feel… good. There's still the clouds, of course. I, uh… went to the beach last week with Phil and the girls and basically… it was the first time doing something fun with the four of us. And it was that,  _ fun _ , but… at the same time, I worried."

"What were you worried about?"

"Just… everything. But mainly Amy's safety."

"Where were you when you got worried? Where was Amy?"

"She was in the ocean with Phil and Daisy. I was on the beach. And I told myself that I should let it go, that Phil would take care of Amy, too, but eventually, I just… ran off. I had to go to her."

Sarah nodded seriously. May sighed and averted her eyes, looked instead at the posters promoting mental health and the likes. One poster told her to reach out if she had any dark thoughts. 

"Do you trust Phil?"

"Of course."

Sarah cocked her head to the side and May felt her stomach drop. She had been worried that this would be brought up. Because no matter how much she trusted Phil with herself, it was just so damn hard to trust him with their child. She knew she should. She knew she  _ could _ . But a voice in her head was telling her not to trust him, nor the situation, to be careful. It wasn't even the voice of her depression - this voice was much older.

"I don't know. I trust him with myself. I trust him with Daisy. I don't know why I don't trust him with Amelia." She paused and took a sip of her tea. "I want to trust him, Sarah. I really do. He's the, uh… the love of my life and my children's father and they deserve to have their father's love and support. But there's always this voice in my head telling me not to do it. I… I haven't trusted a lot of people. Some of them have turned against me." 

She remembered Ward, despite whatever they had being purely physical, she had still trusted him with her body and that had been abused. She remembered trusting Radcliffe, at least enough to let him and AIDA nurse her back to health, only to find out later that they had been building an LMD version of her during that time. An LMD which had turned against her friends.

She had never been good at trusting people. And with 'not good', she meant she had trusted more people than she should and it had bitten her in the ass. 

"I still feel like all this will be taken away from me. If Phil leaves again, I'll die for sure." No amount of therapy could ever keep her alive then. 

"I could say something about that-"

"Don't." Sarah would only tell her something along the lines of 'life's too short to worry about petty things' or whatever. May knew that.

"I can assign you some trust exercises with Phil, if you think it'll help."

May nodded numbly. It was apparently her only option at this point.

She came home with a sinking feeling in her stomach, angry at herself that somehow, she had such trouble seeing him for what he truly was. A bouquet of flowers stood in a vase on the kitchen counter and she frowned. (She didn't even recognize the flower type.)

She briefly thought that perhaps Daisy had received those but then realized, Daisy would never accept flowers like this. Neither did May.

The tag confirmed her suspicions and she was angry for only a second or two, before a smile spread across her lips.

_ Freesias. They represent trust. Phil. _

God. She hated how sweet he often was. Had he seriously gotten her flowers? On a regular day? 

Wait. It  _ was _ a regular day, right? She hadn't forgotten about their anniversary or something? Damn, this depression messed with every part of her brain.

She turned the tag around and there was more text. She rolled her eyes.

_ And no, you didn't forget our anniversary.  _

She could barely read it, it was too small, but she chuckled and just looked at the sight before her.

They were beautiful flowers. 

With any other person, she would have punched them in the face. But this was Phil. He always got way more wiggle room than most people, at least with her. 

She straightened the flowers and put her bag on the counter and set out to find him. He was in Amelia's nursery, leaning against the back of her bed, and Amy was sitting in between his legs with her back towards him. He was braiding her hair while Amy babbled about whatever. 

"Hey."

Both looked up and Amy almost jumped up when Phil stopped her at the last moment. He wasn't finished braiding yet. May didn't even know he could do that.

"Mommy!"

May smiled but remained in the doorway.

"Mommy! Daddy bades my hair!"

May nodded and looked at Phil. His smile dropped a little as he paused his fingers.

"Is everything okay?"

She paused. Was everything okay? Things were far from perfect but they worked. All of them were alive and safe, that always mattered most to her. 

She absentmindedly rubbed her wrists and nodded, earning her a small smile from Phil. She walked towards him and kissed him briefly, hearing Amy voice her protests.

May looked down at her daughter, whose eyes were challenging her.

"Don kiss Daddy, Mommy."

"Oh?"

"No. I kiss Daddy. Not you."

"But he's my husband, though."

"I marry him now. You find new husban."

"But I don't want to."

Amy crossed her arms defiantly and looked up at Phil for support.

"You want to marry me, Amy?"

She nodded with a smile on her face and inched closer to him.

"But if you marry me, I won't be your Daddy anymore."

"What?" It seemed the girl hadn't really taken that into consideration. She looked… disappointed. 

"Yeah. And Mommy might leave in order to find a new husband and live with him."

Amy's eyes widened and May's heart softened. Of course, she knew young kids would develop feelings for the other-sex parent, and it might draw the other one out. She had read about it in one of her guides, and it wasn't any cause for concern. Apparently, kids under five might actually fall in love with their parents, or what they perceive as falling in love. It just proved that the relationship between the two parents was good, because the child had enough examples of love and respect.

Still, it was rather adorable. And May wouldn't blame anyone for falling in love with Phil Coulson, not even their toddler daughter. 

"No! Don leave, Mommy!"

Amy jumped up into May's arms and showered her with kisses. Alright. May knew Amelia loved her, and her Daddy, her big sister Daisy. She was a kid and there would be many more years for her to act defiant and pretend she didn't love them.

For now, May was happy settling against Phil's side, and have Amelia try everything to apologize to her mother.

"I marry you, Mommy?"

"It will still be the same thing, baby girl. Daddy will leave to find a new wife."

"Don leave, Daddy."

Phil grabbed the girl's hand and kissed the top of it. "I won't, Amy. I promise. But then, Mommy and Daddy will have to stay married."

Amy didn't seem to like that idea but she relented in the end. "I wanna marry."

"And you will," May whispered, brushing Amy's hair out of her face lovingly. Knowing Amy, even in these toddler years, she would enjoy every bit of independence before settling down. It was of course too early to say, and May might be surprised in the future, but Amy would understand many years from now that being married isn't everything in this world.

"You can marry whoever you want, baby girl, so long as they want to marry you. And only if you really love them and they love you. Because that is the most important part of marriage," Phil explained, mostly serious. He looked at May occasionally. 

"I marry girl, Daddy?"

"Of course you can. If you meet a girl you love very much and she loves you, of course you can marry her."

"I marry boy?"

"You can marry anyone."

"I marry Daisy, den!"

Both May and Phil laughed and Amy was already determined, getting up and no doubt waltzing towards her sister's room. Phil smiled at May and pulled her closer. They cuddled on top of their toddler daughter's bed.

"You okay?"

She nodded. "Sarah gave me some homework."

"Homework?"

"We need to do some trust exercises together."

He was quiet and she felt nerves build in her belly. Alright. They were never going to get out of this place they were in. She just wanted to love him like she did before he had died but that didn't seem possible.

"Ugh, that just reminds me of the Academy." And he dove right into a long rant about trust falls with his peers and one of them ending up with a broken wrist. She watched his face as he talked, enthusiastic and somehow passionate. He hardly seemed to notice that she was looking at him.

She would try her best to win his trust, and would try even harder to trust him again. She knew he was worth it. 


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this chapter is short because otherwise, the next part wouldn't really work well, and the next chapter is very important so I wanted to leave it as one piece. Sorry for that! Hope you'll still enjoy!

Phil woke her up with tea and something light to eat a lot of mornings, and she felt her heart warming at the sweetness he showed her. 

But her favorite mornings were when she would wake up before him and she would get to watch him sleep. He was so beautiful then, calm, relaxed, almost serene. She could never hold back her hands while they traced her way across his body, brushing his lips with the tips of her fingers, covering the old scar on his chest completely, tracing the edges of the metal lining where his arm was otherwise attached. (He had once joked that at least now, he would get to spoon people without cutting off blood flow to his arm. She hadn't found it funny then, but with the actual sight in front of her, she couldn't suppress a smile.)

She felt different. Not bad different, but she still had an odd feeling in her lower belly. She could tell it was definitely different from before, when it had almost felt like the weight of the world was pushing her insides down. She wasn't feeling sad because of the feeling this time, which made her relax a little, not scared that it would worsen her mood.

Phil and her had worked on some of the exercises together the day before, doing trust falls which only made them laugh and asking about their innermost feelings which made her shut down - it wasn't until they had to look each other in the eye for a few minutes without breaking eye contact that May cracked. He had just kept looking at her, but a hand had come out to cover hers. 

Surprisingly, she already felt a little safer with him. He had told her many times before that he wouldn't leave, not even if she showed him her worst, but she hadn't quite believed him. Well, despite the fact that crying wasn't so rare for her these days, she still only cried in select company, and only he could bring out the ugly sobbing. It was made worse because of his arms wrapped tightly around her, because it felt so good and she kept thinking about those long years without these arms to hold her.

She knew her battle against depression would continue for months, if not years to come. She knew now however that death wasn't an option, at least not willingly. Phil wouldn't let her, and neither would Daisy, for that matter. The two of them knew of her changed thoughts on the topic and slowly, locks on drawers had disappeared and she found herself cooking them dinner one evening. Phil still stayed close to keep watch (and count) of the knives.

Daisy had installed the locks on several drawers and cupboards under the guise of protecting Amy from her natural but dangerous curiosity, but they all knew who it really was they were protecting.

A cold shiver ran down her spine. Damn. She had really damn near killed herself, hadn't she? Phil had found her in the tub, pale and covered in her own blood, and aside from the fact that she already felt guilty for nearly taking her own life, she couldn't stand the idea that she had just left herself there for anyone to find. She didn't want to think about the possibility of Amy wandering around the apartment at night like she sometimes did, to find her mother like that. (Although she hated having put Phil in that position, together with Daisy, she drew strength from the knowledge that they were strong, and would be better equipped to deal with it than her two year old daughter.)

"You know, I want to move," May said, stirring the vegetables in the pan. Phil was sitting at the dining table looking at her. She should feel creeped out by it, but she actually liked his company like this. He would jump in if something happened. 

"Move?"

"Yeah. I don't think this apartment is big enough for the four of us."

He nodded. "It has been big enough so far, though."

"I know. But Amy is growing up quicker than I thought and she deserves more space. A big room all to herself." She paused and looked at him. "A garden to run in, maybe. White picket fence to crash into."

He smiled and they looked at each other for a while, until May remembered her vegetables. 

"Are you saying that you want to move to a house?"

She paused, hesitated. Her daughters and her had already had one too many living quarters in the past two years. She still thought of their first apartment with pain in her heart, because it had been perfect and the rent was reasonable and it had been just a few blocks from the Base. Their current apartment was considerably smaller than the previous one, May wasn't a big fan of the neighborhood… and that tub. She hadn't taken a bath ever since her suicide attempt, except for that one time Phil and her had made love in the tub to try and replace the bad memories. (Didn't work like that.) 

She had settled for awkward showers in the tub instead because there was no real shower stall and no place for it, either.

She could tell most of what she was cooking now was nearly done so she turned down the stove to its lowest setting and walked over to Phil. She leaned against the table.

"I think we deserve better than this place."

"Oh?"

"I think there are too many bad memories here for all of us. I'm thinking that maybe a new place to live in… might improve things a bit."

He nodded while he thought over her words. She could tell he was happy with her thoughts but he was ever the realist and was probably going over anything that could stop this from working.

"I will definitely have to start working in that case. We can't afford a mortgage with just your job. Maybe Daisy can chip in… but we've already been asking so much of her." His head shot up. "Maybe she doesn't want to move with us. It wouldn't be a bad idea for her to find her own place. If she wants to, of course. But we'll have to help her with that, too, at least a little…"

May let him think and slipped into his arms in the meantime, her legs off one side. She loved watching him talk like this. He had been quiet often after their surprise reunion. 

"I always wanted to buy a house with you, Melinda," he surprised her. Now she had been the one too caught up in her thoughts. She smiled and nuzzled his nose with hers. "I would love to live with you."

"You already are, Phil."

"True, but this is still officially your place. I'm not mentioned in any of the papers."

"Neither is Daisy."

"Don't ruin this, Melinda," he said with a smile. He looked her in the eye. "We'll find the perfect home, my love. We'll watch Amy grow up there."

She sighed in bliss and buried her face against his neck.

"Where would we live, though? Would we look for anything close by?"

She was barely listening. She felt a simple warmth spread through her body at the realization that they were moving forward now, instead of remaining stationary. She wasn't too sad to leave this apartment behind.

~...~

Coulson was actively applying for jobs after their talk. He knew it could still take a long time for them to find and buy a house but he knew he would make the process easier by having a job, too. His age played part in the sort of gruelling job hunt but Amy definitely kept him young, and Melinda kept him motivated.

"Why are you so hell-bent on finding a job all of a sudden?" Daisy had asked one afternoon, finding him hunched over newspapers at the kitchen table. "Did Sarah clear you yet?"

"Nope. But I have a feeling it's close and I need to have a job."

"You  _ need _ to?"

He looked up at her.

"May and I are planning to buy a house."

That shocked Daisy. Coulson didn't give it much thought anymore and scoured another page in the paper. 

_ "[Retail Associate / Cashier / Stocker / Team Member] Provides prompt, courteous customer service. Ring up all sales on cash register properly and accurately, handling money, checks, and other types of payment-" _

"Wait, what?"

"I need to find a job so May and I can buy a house."

"Wait, you keep skipping over one very important part of that statement, Coulson."

He grinned and looked at her. 

"Is it true? You guys are gonna move?"

"You can come with, if you want."

Daisy was silent and sat down at the table. He watched her for a while. When she wasn't saying anything, he explained.

"Neither May nor I want to stay at this apartment for very much longer. Uh… Amy is getting too big for her room and May would really like a backyard for Amy to play in."

"And you can leave all of the bad memories behind."

Why was Daisy always so good at reading people's minds like that? In no time at all she had cut down right to the chase.

"Yes. That was the biggest reason for her."

"I can understand that. She'll take most of them with her, though."

"I know that. But she's doing so well now, I really feel… like she's going in the right direction. And I think that a change of scenery would do wonders for her."

Daisy thought about his words and nodded eventually. 

"Will you go very far?"

"That's not the plan." He kept looking at her, searching for any indication that she didn't like this course of events. "We'll make sure we have an extra bedroom."

She frowned and looked him in the eye. "No, that's stupid, you don't need to do that."

"Daisy, you're our daughter. There will be no discussion about this. You will always have a place in our home. No matter what you do."

She nodded, not quite meeting his eye. It was okay. Whatever decision Daisy made about living with them or not, they would support her all the way, like she had supported them all these years.

"I've seen a lovely lake shore house. Lake Ontario. I'm not planning on going very far." Neither him nor May were from around here, not even close, but maybe that was better. They had a biological family but SHIELD had made them cut most of those ties, so the only people he wanted to live close to… were all living around the Lighthouse. 

"You could live in Sun City with your father in law."

Coulson looked at Daisy but she was already chuckling at the face he was pulling.

"I'm not nearly old enough for that."

"55 plus."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

Daisy smiled and looked at the newspaper in front of him. He continued reading when she once again didn't say anything else. He knew she was looking over his shoulder. 

"I love how you're making an effort." He frowned at her. "Like, you're getting a job and helping her buy a house."

He smiled faintly and nodded.

"Well, we're married. We should carry all of the brunts equally."

"You know, she seems different now. I know she's dealing with her depression better, but there's something else about her I can't explain."

He had seen it too, of course. He couldn't quite explain it either but there was something about Melinda that was definitely different. She had even admitted it herself, and it wasn't particularly easy for her to open up about that. 

Whatever it was, he loved seeing it, though. It brought a smile to her lips more often and what kind of husband would he be if he didn't love his wife's smiles?

"Should keep an eye on that," Daisy said, her voice wandering a little at the end. She was looking at the newspaper again. Damn, her mind often raced at the speed of light. "I think it's best to focus on something light and easy at first. Don't want to damage your memory."

A few days later, he found himself contending with teenagers for a part-time job at a local supermarket. It wasn't much, but it was something, and they had ended up choosing him over all of these cheap and easy workers.

"I like my employees to have life experience."

He had that. Nearly 55 years of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, real talk, just between you and me: I have yet to come up with a good way of how Coulson was brought back from the dead. I was hoping that people would post their theories in the comments but so far, y'all have been incredibly supportive and patient and have total faith in me it seems, so I gotta ask now: what are your theories? I have some ideas but I haven't worked them out yet so I would love to hear your thoughts on it! Okay bye!


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so here's the thing, right: this chapter is where this story truly loses the plot. Like, straight up, full on fluff with no realism whatsoever. However, I for one really like reading fluff, even if I know it could never happen, right? So just keep that in mind when you start this chapter, alright? Strap yourselves in. I'll get back to the realism of it all at the end of the chapter, because I don't want to spoil things too soon.  
> And I have been hinting towards this for a while now in the story and I'd like to think that some of you understood what I was moving towards.

May was used to having a sinking feeling in her belly. It usually meant she had to pay more attention to taking her meds and keep eating healthy food, because a storm was coming.

This was a feeling in her belly, but it wasn't a sinking feeling. She couldn't put her finger on what it was exactly, but while it hadn't really worried her at first, the longer it kept going, the more she realized she really wanted to have a checkup with her doctor to make sure there wasn't anything drastically wrong with her. Wouldn't be the first time life threw obstacles in her way.

Her own doctor had taken some personal leave, but had assured all of her patients that she would be back soon and that her replacement was perfectly qualified. 

Didn't really matter that May didn't feel a connection with her. The woman was old and stern but her face was smooth, like she hadn't smiled in her entire lifetime.

That was rich coming from May. But she knew  _ she _ had laughed before.

"Alright, Mrs. Coulson, just some routine questions before I start examining you. Are you on any medication?"

May nodded. "Antidepressants."

She looked up from the computer. "That's good to know, actually."

She went over May's file for a little longer, probably trying to spot anything that was cause for concern. Well, that was a long list, but most of it was mental, something  _ this _ doctor definitely couldn't fix. 

"Could you be pregnant, Mrs. Coulson?"

"No."

"You're not sexually active?"

"I am. I just can't be pregnant."

"Hmm."

May didn't like this woman's attitude, but she had no reason to dislike her. She was professional, knowledgeable, but May was just spoiled when it came to doctors because Sarah had become a close friend and she could rely on her for so much. Besides, her regular doctor was Asian and without offense - she felt a natural connection with Dr. Chen.

"What are your symptoms?"

"No symptoms, I just… want to make sure everything is okay. I have this odd feeling in my stomach."

The doctor nodded curtly and wrote some things down on the chart.

"I'll just run some tests, won't take too long. I'll be right back."

May nodded and the doctor stayed true to her words, taking May's blood, a urine sample, the whole shabam. Perhaps she wasn't as empathetic as her normal doctor but at least she was still taken seriously. May hated feeling like she was stressing for nothing. 

Her phone buzzed and she unlocked it, to find a text from Phil. She instantly smiled before even seeing the contents. She was greeted by her lovely husband and baby daughter smiling at the camera. She loved it when he sent her pictures of Amy, and of himself. She often cherished those snapshots of their happiness in her darker moments.

_ "Hope all's well. Love." _

She smiled again and typed her response.

_ "I hate the substitute." _

_ "Play nice, Melinda May. She's trying to help you. You'll be home before you know it." _

_ "Ugh." _

She received a video then in lieu of a typed response. Phil had figured out how to switch the camera functions on his phone. 

_ "Mommyyyy I wuv you pease come home I watch Count Count byeee." _

May was just about to laugh out loud when the doctor returned with the chart in her hand. And then May was suddenly nervous but she had no idea what for.

"Alright, Mrs. Coulson, everything turned back fine. Blood pressure is steady, heartbeat too. You're in fine condition for a woman your age." How rude. "There is just this one result that baffles me and I think it might be wrong, so I'll just do another to confirm it." 

She reached for the small dose of blood she had taken from May's arm earlier.

"When was your last period?"

May was shocked for a while, looking at this woman who was insinuating the weirdest things. What kind of question was that? Hadn't she seen May's age on her chart? May read the woman's name tag for the first time since entering this office. She was definitely going to tell her own doctor about this woman, this… Patricia White.

"I haven't had one in quite some time."

"But you've had one in the past twelve months?"

Dr. White performed a couple of different tests while May was both dumbfounded and also trying to wreck her brain to remember when her last period had been. She could hardly remember, because most of the periods she had nowadays were just very brief and she hardly noticed them. Phil had definitely still been gone during her last period, and when it stayed gone after that, she didn't think much of it. She'd been occupied.

"But, Dr. Chen said…"

"It would be a miracle, I'll give you that. Have you been trying?"

"Trying what?"

"To get pregnant."

She hadn't been actively preventing it either, yet she was on the pill. And she was 54. She couldn't have any kids anymore. Amelia had been a miracle according to her gynecologist. 

"I can't be pregnant."

"You have another child, correct?"

May nodded dumbly.

"So you're fertile." Dr. White's face softened a little. "How old is she?"

"Two and a half."

Dr. White smiled for the first time since introducing herself, although it was a faint one. She nodded and left again and May stared at the spot where she had just been standing.

She was wrong. The doctor was wrong. She had misread some of the test results and she would soon figure out that she had been wrong and would apologize and tell her that everything else was still fine and she didn't need to worry.

But Dr. White showed up sooner than she had before and was holding up the chart for May to see.

"Well-"

"No," May cut her off, getting up from the examining table and readjusting her clothes. The results were wrong. She hadn't had a period in ages and she was taking antidepressants and sure, her contraceptive was light because of her other medication, but Dr. Chen had assured her it would still be effective, especially at her age. 

Dr. White looked at her and their eyes crossed. May shook her head, her breath caught in her throat.

"I can't be pregnant."

But she read the result on Dr. White's chart and saw with her own eyes what she had been denying for weeks now.

The changes in her body that had felt oddly familiar but she hadn't allowed to name yet. She had thought it impossible… but apparently impossible didn't exist for her.

Positive.

She was pregnant. 100% carrying a child.

"Hey, you take a deep breath."

Dr. White guided her to a chair in front of the desk and fetched her some water. 

"How sure are you?"

Dr. White paused before sitting at her desk and sighing. "Couldn't be surer, to be honest with you. If you want, I can arrange for a second opinion."

May looked at the chart currently on the desk and didn't feel anything for a long time.

How was this possible? Well, she knew how it was possible, she hadn't been able to keep her hands off Phil for long, but she had been absolutely certain that it was damn near impossible for her to conceive. The few eggs that were left drastically changed in quality as the years progressed, May knew that, and after she'd had Amelia, her gynecologist had told her that she should cherish that beautiful little girl because she probably wouldn't have any kids after her.

So now what? She couldn't be pregnant. She knew she was, but she shouldn't be… she was at a good place now with Phil, they were going to buy a house together, Amelia was nearly potty trained and Daisy… well, Daisy was Daisy.

"Is the baby healthy?"

"It's too early to tell yet."

"How far along am I?"

"I'll refer you to an obstetrician. I don't have the tools to give you the answers you're looking for."

May nodded and lowered her head and looked at her hands in her lap. Dangerous images started flying through her head, of Phil, head on her incredibly swollen belly, him finally holding a newborn baby of their own. 

"Do you want me to inform Dr. Chen as soon as she gets back so she can check up on you?"

May was almost already dialing Sarah's number for an emergency session. This time, she was the emergency patient.

Dr. White assured her that May's health was otherwise perfectly normal and that there was no reason for panic yet. But May knew that pregnancies late in a woman's life were dangerous and often only resulted in miscarriages. 

Yet when she slipped into the restroom to catch her breath, she couldn't stop her hand when it covered her lower belly.

A smile spread across her face.

Okay, little stubborn baby. You fought all the odds to be here. This will be one hell of a ride, so I hope you know what you signed up for.

~...~

May did call Sarah as soon as she got into her car. Her mind was scrambled right now and she needed guidance.

"Dr. Lambert's office, how can I help you?"

"It's Melinda May. Can I speak to Sarah, please?"

"She's in session at the moment. Can I take a message?"

May swallowed and nodded. "I, uh… I'm pregnant."

It was the first time she had said the words out loud since finding out just a few minutes ago. It made it that much more real.

The other end of the line was quiet for a few beats, and then the assistant seemed to have found her voice again.

"Congratulations, Mrs. Coulson! What wonderful news! I'll be sure to pass it on to Dr. Lambert. She'll probably call you when she has time."

"Thanks."

May drove home and had to fight to keep her mind with the rules of the road. 

A baby… she would be having another baby. She still couldn't quite wrap her head around it, the idea that she, a 54 year old woman, who was taking contraceptives on top of it all, had conceived a baby. 

She was home before she knew it and felt her phone buzzing. It was Sarah.

"May."

"Melinda, what is this news I've been hearing?"

May just smiled and remained silent. 

"Is it true, Melinda?"

"Yes. Apparently, I'm pregnant."

"Wow, uh… how are you doing now? Any dark clouds?"

"No, surprisingly, I'm feeling… well. Sarah, how could this happen? I was on the pill."

"Well, I won't know for sure until I've gone over it with your MD, but it's possible that the antidepressants weakened your contraceptive. And you were already taking a weaker one. But no contraceptive is ever a hundred percent effective."

"But I really shouldn't be able to conceive. Right?"

"The statistics say you shouldn't, but every person is unique. You're not just a statistic, Melinda." May saw Phil move in front of the windows, probably wondering what took her so long. He was sweet like that. In the past whenever he had dropped her off at her apartment, he would always stay put in his car until she was inside her apartment, to make sure she got home alright. He wouldn't walk her to her front door, and he had later explained he wasn't certain what he would do if he had left her there. He hadn't trusted his own feelings for her. Which made him that much sweeter in her head.

"How are you feeling?"

She didn't like that question but she was getting used to it by now. 

"I wasn't expecting this news, to be honest. But… I'm happy. But reluctant. I know how big the chances are of a miscarriage at my age. I don't want to commit myself to this baby fully, only for it to be torn away."

"It's natural to feel like that. I doubt there's anything I can say that will reassure you, though."

May doubted it, too. "Is it okay not to tell Phil yet? I don't want him to hurt anymore."

"That's fine, Melinda. I'll leave that completely up to you. Do what your heart tells you to. And, Melinda?"

"Yes?"

"Don't stop taking your medication. And… congratulations."

May hung up and smiled and had to take in a few deep breaths. Alright. So now her long road of keeping this from Phil would start.

~...~

She couldn't tell Phil yet, not now. Maybe she wouldn't tell him until she was starting to show, if she was even able to get that far. She knew her chances of carrying full term at this point, after having had a risky pregnancy with Amy.

She didn't want to fill anyone with hope if she wasn't absolutely certain that everything would be fine in the end.

She came home, dropped her keys on the kitchen counter and was attacked by short arms and an accompanying chuckle.

"You little monster!" May exclaimed, lifting Amy up and into her arms for a tight hug before placing her on the kitchen counter. The girl's limbs occasionally bumped against May's belly and she felt herself pull back physically. Let's not jumpstart that miscarriage just yet.

"Have you behaved, baby girl?" May placed a kiss on Amy's forehead. Amy chuckled again.

"Nooo!"

"Didn't expect any less."

Phil came up behind her and kissed her shoulder. Amy wriggled her way out of her mother's hold, jumped off the counter and ran over to continue her TV show.

"Everything went okay then?" Phil asked. He was an expert at reading her body language, after decades of exposure. She kissed the corner of his mouth.

"Yep, everything was fine. Apparently, I worry too much."

Phil smiled and shrugged.

If only he knew all of the results that she had been given. Would he be happy about it? Would he think she wouldn't want another baby? Or would he think two kids is more than enough? She kissed him a second time, to try and make up for not telling him now. He would understand eventually, when things went downhill and he had to pick her up from the concrete. He was allowed to be a little bit happy before that happened.

"Well, with good reason. I'm sure that white doctor understood."

"It's Dr. White."

"Same thing."

She rolled her eyes as he pulled her closer.

"You know, we could possibly get away with a quick…  _ get together _ , if we drop off Amy at daycare."

She thought about the idea for a moment before smiling and running a hand through his (thinning) hair. Him and May would be what, seventy by the time Amelia would go to College. May wanted her to have a good childhood and only realize much later in life that her parents were way older than those of her peers. And admittedly, May and even Phil in some sense looked younger than they actually were (bless those Asian genes, in May's case) but eventually, they would notice the downsides to being an old parent. 

But what they lacked in youth, they made up for in wisdom. May could steer both her daughters from the same path she had gone to, could encourage mental health and make sure they were as happy as they could be.

May looked at Phil again and saw the laugh lines in his face. She loved those, remembered all the times he had smiled at her throughout their acquaintance. There were small bags underneath his eyes and she froze. He was tired. He wasn't taking care of himself -  _ she _ wasn't taking care of  _ him _ .

"It's not such a difficult question," Phil teased, nuzzling her cheek with his nose. She shook her head.

"It's appealing. But I was thinking that Amy and I could go to the park and you could get some sleep."

"Don't be ridiculous, Melinda. I don't need to sleep. We can go to the park together, though."

She traced the bags under his eyes and looked him in the eye. "You sleep some, Phil. I can tell that you're tired. I'll take care of everything."

"But… it should be-"

"The other way around? Perhaps. But not today. Go. I love you."

She saw to it that he slipped into bed and he was still uncertain, she could tell, but he was out like a light and she smiled, tucked him in. She closed the bedroom door quietly behind her.

"So, where we going Mommy?"

May smiled and brushed Amy's hair briefly.

"We're going to get groceries first and then we'll go to the park."

"No grocies. Just park."

"There is no discussion available for that topic, Amelia."

Amy pouted and crossed her arms. Oops. Well, guess it was a good thing May had seen Phil to bed before Amy had this temper tantrum.

"I don't know what kind of stunts you pull with Daddy, but that won't be happening with Mommy. You'll behave or we won't be going to the park at all."

"You no fun!"

"I'm not supposed to be fun."

Amy still let May dress her into acceptable clothing, quickly tied her hair into a ponytail, and they walked hand in hand to the parking lot. 

May looked at her little girl via the rearview mirror. If all went well… this little girl would no longer be her littlest child. She would be a big sister. May had never dared to hope to ever give that to Amy, that undeniable bond, aside from with her big sister Daisy. The difference was though that Daisy was old enough to be Amy's mother, and this little baby would be just roughly three years younger than her. She would have a playmate… when this baby was old enough.

"Mommy? You okay?"

May cleared her throat. 

"Yes, baby. Did you remember to bring your good girl smile?"

Amy pushed her fingers into the corners of her mouth and nodded. Her eyes, however, told her a completely different story.

Lord have mercy. May might actually need a nap herself after this.

She watched Amy enjoy herself at the park while May sat on a bench on the outskirts, far enough away to force Amy to play with her peers instead of her, but close enough to step in if something went wrong. 

Her hand rested on her belly again. It had only been a couple of hours and she was already getting used to the idea. She wondered if it would be a boy or a girl, secretly hoping for a boy this time, so Phil wouldn't feel so lonely. If this baby was anything like Amelia, May definitely needed to get her feelings in check because there would truly be no way she could manage two kids under four while suffering a depression.

Amy looked at May and waved enthusiastically, before going down the slide. 

May prayed for a good pregnancy, for this baby to be happy and healthy, though apparently that last one was quite difficult at her age. But she wasn't scared of it at all, even knowing what her chances were - she and Phil were together now, she had Amy and Daisy, Sarah would drag her out of any ditch… she had faith she would be just fine. She wasn't alone this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, within this chapter, I took HUGE creative license, because in the real world, this could NEVER happen. I know that. May could barely have Amelia, which was already huge creative license, let alone this baby. I know that too. But at the same time, Coulson ought to be dead, and in the show, really, stranger things have happened. I mean, they travelled through time and space via a rock? They were taunted by a demi-god and her weird alien bats and her lover/sworn enemy or whatever the hell Izel and Pachakutiq were? The MCU in general refuses to see how powerful Quake is and how useful she could have been in Infinity War? Who's to say that in that odd universe, May couldn't be pregnant well in her fifties?   
> So, if you're willing to accept this obvious drift from realism, then thank you, and enjoy the ride because it's going to be incredibly fluffy and a bit dark at times but it'll be well worth it.   
> If you're not willing to accept it, then I'm sorry. Come back towards the end, I guess, because it will only get worse after this.  
> And, yes: she's really pregnant. I really did go there. I know.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad that y'all are as willing to ditch realism for some tooth-rotting fluff as I am so, there's more of that coming your way!  
> Also, yes, this chapter is way longer than the others but this marks the end of the second document on Google Docs! And I wanted to just conclude that doc so well, here ya go!

Sarah hadn't been happy that he had taken the big step of applying for a job without her consent. (He felt like a little child while she scolded him.) But she understood when he explained it to her.

Coulson had tried to get his hours similar to those of Melinda, so they would still get to see each other. Daycare wasn't a problem as Amy had shown them she loved going there. He enjoyed being busy, enjoyed setting an alarm in the mornings and preparing himself for work alongside Melinda.

Melinda. He was so proud of her. He could tell she was doing well, she was still taking her meds and sometimes she would just shut herself out, but the good moments became more common, and eventually turned into good days. She trusted him and he hadn't wasted that trust, the exercises hadn't been for nothing - she could always trust him to take care of her, and their family. She was starting to see that, finally.

But there was still one thing about her that was inexplicably different, and Daisy had noticed, too. They had both kept an eye on it, Phil had even questioned Sarah about it, but he had been shut down by her because of her doctor-patient confidentiality. Didn't matter that he was her husband.

They went house hunting one day, and Phil had casually slipped in his favorite in the route they were going to take. She had agreed on a town next to Lake Ontario, hadn't needed much convincing, to be honest. She would probably follow him wherever he went.

The other houses weren't really interesting for them, but when they arrived at his favorite, he was reminded of why it was his favorite.

Man. That view. You could step into the lake within half a minute, and the water stretched seemingly endlessly to the horizon. He knew the lake wasn't that big. Must be a play of optics. 

The house itself was spacious but not too big. There were four bedrooms, way too many for them but they could turn the spare room into whatever they wanted. He had secretly already chosen his pick for the master bedroom, with that magnificent view through the window. 

He looked at Melinda as she took in the house. She loved it, he could tell, but she was going to act indifferent to test him. She was so predictable, and at the same time remained a surprise to him.

"This could be Amy's room."

He smiled and nodded, brushing her hip gently. 

"Conveniently as far away as possible from our room."

"We haven't chosen a master yet."

" _You_ haven't."

She laughed and rolled her eyes and didn't protest when he kissed her lips briefly. 

She lingered in the master bedroom and walked to the window. Coulson wasn't really looking at the house anymore, having found a better view. Melinda leaned against the windowsill and took in the lakeside view. 

"It's really gorgeous, Phil," she sighed. He nodded despite the fact she wouldn't be able to see him anyway. She opened one of the windows and leaned against the glass (that improved his view even more), and then one of her hands lowered to brush her belly.

A jolt of electricity ran through him at that sight. What was going in that beautiful mind of hers? She must be remembering being pregnant with Amelia and searching for apartments with Daisy. He wished he could have been there then. He had only seen a bit of her belly, just slightly swollen with their little girl tucked away in Melinda's womb. He wished he could have felt her belly when it was close to bursting, could feel little feet against his hands, could see that little miracle on the ultrasound almost fully grown.

"I love it, Phil." She turned around towards him with a big grin. His heart made somersaults and he was already rushing towards her to see that beauty from up close. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he lifted her into the air.

The Melinda May he had first gotten to know decades ago would not have accepted such monstrosities. PDA wasn't even in her dictionary. But she had slowly opened up to him even long before they had gotten together, like a beautiful flower revealing its core. He had loved her evolution, and had been with her through most of it, but the biggest changes had happened in his absence, while he had been dead. She had become a mother and it had softened her heart considerably, only being the tough as nails Melinda May when the situation warranted it. Yet she was so gentle and kind now, hugging Daisy, Amelia and even him with undoubtable love, like she wanted you to look inside her soul and see how important you were to her. 

"I love you, Phil." He had put her on the windowsill and he realized with a cheeky smile that it was the perfect height. Oh well…

"I love you, Melinda."

Not much later, they decided to place a bid on the house and it was accepted. 

Coulson loved seeing how happy Melinda was that they could live in that beautiful house and finally leave this apartment behind. 

"I only feel sad about the mural in Amy's room."

He nodded but brushed her hand. "We'll make something even more beautiful. We'll have much more space to paint there."

She smiled and kissed him and then she went on her day to day routine, and he watched her briefly - and then she brushed her belly again. 

His heart didn't really know what to do with that sight, with seeing that movement. It probably didn't even mean anything, her subconscious was just remembering good memories of moving into a new home.

Yet that night when they lay in bed and she was already fast asleep, he carefully lifted her sleep shirt, looking at her belly briefly. He saw the faint stretch marks and the scar from her C-section. There wasn't anything else about it, but somehow… a tiny voice in his head was telling him dangerous things.

It wasn't possible. They were both too old. She couldn't be. She had told him she couldn't be. She was on the pill.

He shook his head and straightened her clothing, before gathering her in his arms and holding her close.

~...~

It had taken every inch of her strength not to cry when they had visited the house for the first time, and Phil had ditched their real estate agent in front of the house and had shown her around himself. (So she realized he had been looking on the internet for perfect houses already.)

There were four bedrooms and he had explained what they could do with the fourth room, considering they 'only needed three'. He had said they could make it into a home office, or perhaps extra storage. She had to look away from him to keep herself from saying they should really use it as a nursery instead.

Not telling him this news was killing her. (She should know not to joke about that. In the safety of her own head, however, she could say those things.) It was hard to keep herself from just placing his hand on her belly and dropping the bomb then, but she still wanted to be absolutely certain that everything was okay.

It was already a vastly different pregnancy, however. With Amelia, she had been frequently nauseous, everything had hurt, she'd had mood swings and the likes. Nothing of the sort had happened yet, and she was glad about it, but it also confirmed why she should keep this a secret for a little longer. She had been feeling bloated, though, so she had used that as an excuse for the slight swelling of her belly.

Her new OB had found out she had been six weeks pregnant when she had visited Dr. White, and a heartbeat was already discernible in an ultrasound.

"It's your second baby, correct?"

May nodded. She remembered the uncertainty of her previous pregnancy, how little prepared she was and how little she had herself and her baby checked up. She and Phil had taken all of their remaining time together to _be_ together, and somehow, their baby hadn't often fit into that. After his death, she had felt too angry at first to have an ultrasound, then she had been sad because she knew he should have been there to experience this miracle with her, their child. She had visited her OBGYN because Jemma had threatened her somehow. 

"Ten weeks old, this little one. You're set for a May delivery." Ironic. "Heartbeat is steady. Luckily, that means your chance of a miscarriage dropped to just 5 percent." Regardless of her age. Which her OB had praised, too. 

But now she was at ten weeks and she could no longer hide her belly from Phil. The dork had even gotten some shakes and cleansers to help with her bloating. 

"I haven't told my husband yet."

Her OB, Imani (who had insisted she dropped the 'Dr.', much like Sarah), had nodded in understanding. She was a young, beautiful black woman but somehow, she understood May's reluctance to throw this into the open.

"It's very common for women to keep it to themselves in the beginning. Women your age tend not to conceive naturally, and if they do, it's a 50/50 shot for a miscarriage. But luckily, Mrs. Coulson, that beautiful heartbeat just dropped that awful percentage to 5. Which sounds way better."

May had smiled and looked at that ultrasound, the very first one, that showed a tiny baby, but already recognizable as one. She took in a deep breath and looked at Imani.

"So you would say from what you've gathered now that… that everything is okay?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Healthy little strawberry right there."

Her baby was already as big as a strawberry… May asked for a copy of the ultrasound and walked out of the office on trembling legs.

Well. It wasn't fair to keep it from Phil any longer. He'd had an equal share in the creation of this little baby and he deserved to know. With Imani's reassurances that everything was fine so far, May shuffled into their kitchen where Phil stood preparing dinner.

He looked up at her when he heard her enter and he smiled faintly at her. He made sure the kitchen was safe before he came over to kiss her.

"How did it go?" When she didn't answer him, he brushed her cheek with just the side of his index finger. "Melinda? I'm worried about you, Melinda. Why have you been going to the doctor's office so much? You said everything was fine."

She took in another deep breath and reached into her jacket pocket, reaching for his hand and putting the photo of the ultrasound in his hand. He frowned at her, looking into her eyes for a while, before looking at his hands.

He was emotionless for a long time, looking at the picture, and May felt her stomach churn. God. She wanted him to be happy, too, dammit! 

He turned away from her while still looking at the picture, absentmindedly stirring the pots.

"This is Amelia, right?"

May felt tears come up in her eyes and when she shook her head, they spilled onto her cheeks. She had been stupid. He didn't want another child, two were enough.

"I'm pregnant, Phil."

She watched the news settle in while fumbling with the hem of her jacket. She was uncertain of his response, but for the first time in a long while, she didn't feel dark clouds rushing towards her. Her breathing was also fine, sort of. 

Hey. She was making progress. Maybe this little baby could serve to be the end of her depression.

When Phil turned back towards her, his expression was basically matching hers - anxious, but emotional, happy, tears in his eyes.

"I knew it!" he exclaimed. He stood on that spot for a while, looking at her and then the picture and then her again. When he finally moved, things happened so quickly she hardly registered him moving at all until his arms were wrapped tightly around her, and he was crying in the crook of her neck. "Oh, Melinda? Is this real? Are you really…"

She nodded and looked at his face again when she could. The tears had now pooled on his chin and it made her heart soften so much. She had given him a child once. Never since having Amelia had she ever thought she would be able to do it again.

His hand came up to brush her belly and she sighed in bliss. God, she loved it when he did that, with the knowledge that yet another baby was growing underneath his hand, that God, they were expecting again.

"Oh Melinda, I love you so much. So so so much." And then he was rendered speechless while sounds still came out of his mouth, but they were all incoherent and mostly drowned out by his giggles and their kisses. 

He moved them to the couch where she once again sighed happily, she hadn't noticed how tired her legs were from shaking all the way from the doctor's office to here.

"This explains so much," he whispered, and his hand hadn't left her belly for even one second except to brush her hair or pull her closer to kiss her lips. 

"Excuse me?" She had been able to hide it very well, or so she thought. She hadn't vomited often and when she had, he had been conveniently not around.

"There was something different about you, couldn't quite explain it. Daisy noticed it, too. And then, when we were visiting the house for the first time… you brushed your belly. And I've only ever seen you do that when you were pregnant with Amy. But… I didn't want to hope."

"It's going to be a high risk pregnancy. There's a real chance the baby might not make it, but…"

He shook his head. He leaned down and kissed her belly and she closed her eyes. 

"It doesn't matter. Whatever happens, I'm happy we're getting this chance. I'm happy that I'll be able to see you pregnant again."

He kissed her.

"How far along are you?"

"Ten weeks."

That left him shocked. " _Ten weeks_?! Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I only found out myself when I was already six weeks pregnant. I wanted to make sure our chances were better. I didn't want to hurt you more than you already do."

"You keep forgetting, I'm not the one with a depression."

"But you're the one whose wife has a depression, and I know it affects you more than you let on." She sighed, then cleared her throat. "I just… I even wanted to keep it a secret for longer but you were seriously worrying about my bloating and I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer."

He smiled but still pulled a face. "I knew you weren't really bloated. I was so stupid."

"No, you were cute. I was a little bloated. But most of it was the baby."

"The baby… I still can't believe it. How did we manage this, Melinda? Just a few weeks ago Daisy was teasing me about living in Sun City."

May just had to chuckle at that. Even her old father had complained about that at first, claiming he wasn't old enough to live with all these old people, but he had ended up loving it. She could imagine however that Phil wouldn't like such comments. He already felt old. No need to rub it in.

"My OB says it's a miracle, too. When I told her I was actually taking contraceptives, she was super shocked."

"I can imagine." He brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. "So is everything okay with the baby so far?"

May nodded. "Steady heartbeat, no abnormalities. We'll have to see how it turns out. The heartbeat is a good sign, however."

"You're amazing, Melinda."

"You're straying off topic, Phil."

"No, I'm not. I'm so proud of you, Melinda, for fighting, and choosing life. For trusting me. Whatever trouble we face in the future, I promise I'll be by your side." He smiled and brushed her belly and all was right in her world. "We'll have a baby again. I can't believe it."

This time around, he wasn't terminally ill. He would be around to watch their baby grow in her belly, come with her to all the ultrasounds, he would be able to hoist her out of chairs and their bed because she couldn't get up by herself anymore. (For a different reason this time, a better one.)

He lowered his head to her belly and she blinked her tears away. There were so many bittersweet memories in her head of him kissing her previous bump, and they had both known they should cherish the time that they had together. He had treated every day as if it were his last, always proclaiming his love to baby Amelia and basically saying goodbye to both of them, while never actually saying the words. (If anyone had told May that three years down the line, she would be with Phil again, she would have kicked them in the face because it wasn't possible. But it appeared her life was full of impossibilities.)

"Hey, little baby. It's me, your Daddy. I remember doing this when your big sister Amy was still in Mommy's belly. I promised her the world and couldn't really keep it until quite recently. But with you, little one, I'll try my hardest to keep that promise. And you can hold me to it. I already love you so much, little one. You have no idea."

May had to pull him up because she was crying now. She would blame the pregnancy hormones.

"So do we tell Daisy?"

"Let's just keep this to ourselves for a while. At least until the first trimester is done." Which was in two weeks. Surely, they could keep themselves from telling her about this for two weeks, right?

~...~

She was showing way sooner than she had been with Amy. Her first trimester had passed without many troubles but only a few days into her second trimester, she had started showing all of the typical pregnancy symptoms she hadn't been showing yet. She woke up almost every single morning to throw up, but the difference with her first pregnancy was that Phil would be there to hold her hair and rub her back and it felt so much better to know that he was there to support her through it all. Even if she felt like shit.

It was different, though. She felt different than she had ever since he had died. She couldn't quite put her finger on it. It almost seemed like this pregnancy had changed the molecules in her brain, because she was almost unable to feel the same way she had in the past few years.

Most of it was probably the sight of Phil smiling at her even more than he already had. He couldn't help himself when he brushed her belly lovingly when he was certain no one else was watching. 

They hadn't told Daisy yet. They really should. But May liked this secret to be between them, their little secret. She certainly loved seeing how he was in awe of her belly, which was gaining inches with the day, it seemed. She had been wearing loose fitting sweaters a lot, but luckily the weather had turned so she had a good excuse.

"May?"

"Hmm?"

"I think we need to work out more."

May frowned. "What?"

"I, uh… I don't know how to put this… but, you, uh… look, don't kill me, alright."

"I can't make any guarantees."

Daisy groaned and rubbed her forehead. "You've been putting on quite some weight. Okay. Don't kill me. I just think, maybe we should work out more together. I've been gaining some weight myself."

May looked at Daisy struggling like a fish on the shore and forced down a smile. 

"I don't like that face. Please don't kill me. I meant well, May."

"I know." May shook her head and thought of Phil, and the decision they had made together to keep this a secret from Daisy, but May saw no way of getting herself out of this without telling Daisy some version of the truth. She sighed, reached for Daisy's hand and put it against her belly.

"What are you telling me?"

May raised an eyebrow and forced Daisy's hand closer. Daisy's face was one giant question mark, and May realized her subtle hint wasn't really setting in. She hadn't even believed it herself when she had been told the news, so Daisy was probably thinking of anything other than that.

"I'm pregnant, Daisy," May said softly, keeping Daisy's hand against her belly. Daisy resembled Phil a lot while she took in the news.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant. I'm going to have another baby."

"That's not possible."

"I know. I thought so, too."

"Wait. You're not joking?"

May shook her head. She got up and got a picture of the ultrasound from just the day before from her jacket pocket. She gave it to Daisy.

Daisy looked at the picture. 

"This… this isn't Amy?"

May shook her head again. "Look at the date if you don't believe me."

"May, I can't believe this. You're actually pregnant?"

"I am. Fourteen weeks."

"Holy shit." Daisy moved her hand on May's belly and May was just looking at that sight. Daisy was an amazing human being and the best sibling she could have wished for her kid-  _ kids _ .

"Do you know the gender yet?"

"No. Don't want to know."

"May, oh my god! You're pregnant!" It's like it was only sinking in now. May chuckled and nodded, keeping her belly available for Daisy to feel. May sometimes missed that, although some people had definitely made it weird, complete strangers touching her belly. She'd had to keep herself from kicking them right then and there.

"Fourteen weeks, though? So you're already in your second trimester? How did you hide this? Why did you hide this? How did you get pregnant in the first place? No I know that last answer, ugh, I heard you guys often enough. But didn't Dr. Chen say you couldn't have kids anymore? I didn't even know you wanted to have a baby again. Did you want another baby again, May? Could've told me." She took in a deep breath. "Okay, I'll shut up now."

May rolled her eyes and chuckled.

"I'm fourteen weeks along, and the baby is fine. There's a steady heartbeat so that improves chances considerably. Apparently, my antidepressants weakened my contraceptive. And apparently, I'm still quite fertile. And the reason we haven't told you yet is because I wanted to make sure that everything is okay. We've been through enough. If I miscarried, I wanted to keep it to myself… but when my OB confirmed the heartbeat, apparently it lowered the chances of miscarriage to just five percent. And God knows I could still be in that five percentile, but with each passing week, things are going better and he already looks like a baby! I didn't even know I wanted another baby but I've been picturing him in my arms and finally having Phil by my side…" Apparently, they had both picked up the nasty habit of ranting from one Phil Coulson. When May looked at Daisy, she probably agreed, because they both started smiling.

"Oh May, I'm so happy for you. You look so good. And I only noticed just now that you're practically glowing. I can't unsee your belly now."

The two of them sat in peace on the couch marveling at that little miracle inside May's belly. Daisy and Amelia had also been miracles, and so was this baby, and nobody would convince her otherwise. 

"So, it's a boy."

"I don't know yet."

"You just said 'him'."

"It's just a guess."

"Yeah, a guess which according to science is usually right. Ooooh, I'll have a baby brother! I'm so excited!" She lowered her head to May's belly and there was something about family and 'more than DNA' in her head, as she once again resembled Phil so much. "Can you hear me baby? Hey, let's make a deal right here. You make Mommy's life beautiful and I'll always give you candy when she isn't looking. Works with your big sister. Hey. You'll have two big sisters. We're totally ready for the job. Well, I am. I'll make sure your big sister Amy will also know what her duties are as a big sister. I promise."

Daisy looked up at May.

"Does Amy know?"

"No. I doubt she'll understand it if I told her, though."

"I'm sure there's ways to tell her. I'll look into it while you're having your nap."

May rolled her eyes and pushed Daisy away a little. 

"I'm not a child."

"I know. But you're growing one, so you need to rest as much as possible."

Daisy wasn't wrong. The baby was making her a bit more tired than she usually was, on top of the depression that had been pulling her down before.

"We get to shop for baby stuff again! We can paint the nursery in the new house. I promise I won't break my arm again. Oh May, I'm so excited for you." Phil had entered the room too, holding an equally chatty toddler freshly bathed, hair in a neat braid. He frowned at May as he watched Daisy.

"Mel?"

"Couldn't keep it to myself anymore. She thought I was getting fat."

Daisy noticed Phil and hugged him tightly. "Congrats Phil! Apparently you guys aren't as old as I thought you were!"

And before they knew it, Phil and Daisy were enthusing about the miracle of life and Amy was still talking about something she had been discussing with Phil. She climbed into May's lap and smiled at her.

"Hi Mommy. I wuv you."

May's heart warmed and she wrapped her arms tightly around Amy. Her baby daughter rested comfortably against May's belly, and she realized, she didn't want to wait a moment longer with telling Amy. She had waited forever to tell Phil and Daisy, but Amy deserved to know, even if she didn't know what it would mean.

"Hey, Amy," May whispered, and the girl smiled up at her mother. "Gimme your hand."

She put Amy's hand against the bump.

"You feel that, baby girl? There's a baby in Mommy's belly."

"Hmm?"

"A baby. You'll be a big sister soon."

But May could see in Amy's eyes that she didn't understand. Didn't matter. The girl was only two. And May was only in her second trimester. There would be enough time to get Amy to understand.

"I wuv you too, baby girl."


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, while I was writing this story, I had no idea when I would publish it, wasn't even sure if I ever would... so then around Christmas last year, I wrote this part of the story, but I had no idea I would be publishing this during the summer. But, I love Christmas (she says, sitting in her Christmas-themed sweatpants) and I like the idea that Coulson does, too, even tho it's not really clear which religion he adheres to, if he even believes in anything. (I mean, we know Mack and Yo-Yo are Catholic, but they're the only characters that we know of as being religious). I don't know why but I always entertained the idea that Coulson is/was Jewish, but that's probably mostly because of the fact that Clark describes himself as being in a Jewish family because his wife is Jewish? Idk why I'm even typing this Author's Note, I know by now that y'all would follow this story wherever it's going so a little Christmas fluff in June is probably not even the weirdest thing this fic has thrown your way.  
> Also, thanks for supporting May being pregnant! I haven't had a character be pregnant for a second time in years, and I don't know why that matters but it feels like it does. I used to write fanfics for Jisbon (The Mentalist) and in my early days of writing, they always had this massive family with like five kids, before I realized that it wasn't really the size of the family that counts, but rather the love that's shown in it. But, you know, y'all probably don't care about this but in the end, you'll get another Philinda baby, I promise.

May didn't want to take a leave from work, because they needed the money, now more than ever. She had requested to be transferred to a desk job but Mack had just looked at her as though she had grown a second head.

"Melinda, I'm not putting you on desk duty. Why do you want to be transferred so badly anyway?"

His face was a picture when she had revealed the news, then he had simply reached out and hugged her briefly, quite daring still.

"Okay, maybe fight training isn't a good idea now. But we have just received a donation from an anonymous donor, and I thought it might be a good idea to purchase a flight simulator."

"How much was the donation?" she asked in awe, because she knew how much even the cheapest cost. Mack shrugged and showed her the accompanying message. 

_ For the restoration of SHIELD. P. P.  _

PP? 

"If you're looking for an instructor, I'll do it." Training in a simulator, in the safety of the Base, wasn't the same as flying her own plane but it had to do. Perhaps she might be able to take one of their Quinjets for a spin as part of the training curriculum. 

Only when she exited the office did the initials make sense.

Pepper Potts. She was the only one who would care enough about SHIELD to aid them like that, and after Tony Stark's death, May had heard the woman was looking for a way to make a difference. They weren't so different, apparently. May would call Maria Hill to thank them.

The first time she set foot in the brand new flight simulator (16 weeks pregnant), it felt a little like being reborn. She sat down in the captain's seat, let her hands brush the controls she could reach, and felt a smile spread across her lips.

"It felt… weirdly enough, a lot like sex."

Sarah chuckled at that but still wrote it down in her notebook. "I… have always found the cockpit to be my area, at least on my aircraft. They weren't even technically mine, but… when I fly… I'm literally on top of the world. It gives me… such a rush of adrenaline and power. Like… we're not supposed to be flying, you know? We don't have wings for a reason, and still we fought so hard to make it possible."

Much like herself. She had fought all her life not be underestimated. She wasn't just some tiny Asian woman, she could kick ass and leave without breaking a sweat. (She wanted Amy to be like that too, when she grew up. Just a less violent version.)

"Then fly, Melinda. If it makes you feel so good."

She spent every working day in that simulator, building up the skill and trust to finally fly an actual plane. It was probably far away. It just gave her something to look forward to.

~...~

Christmas came earlier than usual - or at least, that's what it felt like. Coulson had always loved the holiday, even if he had been raised Jewish. He simply adored the lights and getting together with friends and family.

Melinda, he had found out, hadn't been such a fan of it since his death. They had often celebrated the holiday together, if they weren't with family. The thought of spreading joy and blessings while she could barely get herself out of bed didn't seem quite so appealing anymore. They hadn't celebrated Christmas ever since he had died, and Daisy had tried to introduce it every time November had come but she had never succeeded. As a result, Amy had never experienced this wonderful tradition.

Coulson was determined to dedicate his time to introduce her to Santa Claus. He had hung the Christmas ornaments and Amy had frowned at him, but hadn't questioned it. (Melinda had attempted to stop him but she didn't appear to have a lot of fight within her. Perhaps she didn't even want to fight him on this.)

"Amy, let's go buy a tree."

"A tree?"

"It's almost Christmas, Amy. We have to decorate the tree."

"What's Chrisses, Daddy?"

She truly didn't know. He didn't want to force any religion upon her but Christmas was quickly becoming something that wasn't necessarily linked to a religion in their society, and non-believers could love it just as much.

"I'll explain it to you after we have bought a tree."

He helped her into her coat and scarf and he could tell she wasn't sure of what was going to happen. They drove to the farm and Coulson started explaining.

"So every year, on December 25th, people celebrate that Jesus was born, a long long time ago. We celebrate that with lots of little lights and we put up a Christmas tree and have dinner with friends and family. It's a happy, loving time."

"I like eat, Daddy."

"I know, which is why I think you'll like it."

"Why no Chrisses before, Daddy?"

"Because before Daddy was gone, Mommy and I celebrated Christmas together and it hurt too much to do it again."

"Oh."

They were silent for a while. Coulson paid attention to her through the rear view mirror and saw her looking outside. He knew her mind had peculiar ways of dealing with information, and left her to it. 

"You love Chrisses, Daddy?"

"I do."

"Why?"

"I just do. Do I need a reason?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Well, I guess I loved spending time with Mommy. I loved the lights, they're pretty. And I forgot about the most important part… kids get presents from Santa Claus."

"Peasants?"

"Yes. Santa lives on the North Pole with his reindeer and helper elves and every year with Christmas he travels around the world in his sled to deliver presents to all the kids who have been nice."

"I been nice, Daddy!"

"Well…"

She stuck out her tongue at him and he laughed.

"Santa will know. He keeps track."

"How?"

"You know, I've never even known. I guess he just knows. He has a Naughty list and a Nice list, and perhaps it's magical. I just know that he knows."

"Knows when I naughty?"

"Yep. So if you want presents, you ought to be nice."

"No fair, Daddy, I not know!"

"Have you been naughty, then?"

"No! Don think so!"

"You'd have to be very naughty not to get presents, so I doubt you'll have to worry. Perhaps Santa will cut you some slack because you didn't know."

She sighed in relief. He wondered how she hadn't asked about Christmas before because he was certain the kids at her daycare had talked about it before, but perhaps she had - Melinda was good at deflecting questions she didn't want to answer. 

He lifted Amy onto his shoulders at the farm and they discussed Christmas a little more. He wished they could spend this Christmas in their new home but it wasn't quite finished yet. They had to settle for a smaller tree because of the low ceilings of the apartment, but he would probably accept anything at this point.

He educated his toddler daughter about the perfect tree and she didn't care, he could tell, but she wouldn't tell him she didn't care. He hoisted the tree in their small car and heard Amy chuckling in the background when he was struggling. Teenage Amy would probably have filmed it to show to her mother, but now she was just an adorable little toddler with her hands fumbling together. 

"Let's go decorate it."

He had purchased probably too many Christmas decorations but he didn't want to stick to a simple bundle of holly, that seemed lame. (He had often gone way overboard with parties, too.) Amy had watched in awe as the living room became more and more illuminated, and he could tell she loved the little lights as much as he did. She did have his genes after all.

Melinda had given up the fight eventually and had sat down on the couch in the living room, hand on her swollen belly, looking at him decorating the tree.

"Daddy?" Amy asked him.

"Yes, baby girl?"

"What peasants I get?"

"It depends. You can make him a list and send it to him. I think I have his address somewhere."

"You do?"

"Hmm-hmm. You can write a list to him with all the presents you might want." He remembered they were sort of short on money because of the impending move. He had to make her realize she couldn't ask for a pony. "You have to remember though, Santa will give other kids a present, too, so his budget isn't endless. Otherwise, if you ask for a big present, he might have to give a small present to another child."

"That sad."

"Exactly. Hey. Why don't you work on your wishlist with Mommy, and I will finish the tree."

"Okay!" She was already skipping over to Melinda, who was looking at the two of them with a faint smile. "Mommy! Wants baby sister! And doggy and pony!"

Melinda grabbed Amy's hand and guided her to the kitchen, due to the size of the apartment, still practically the same room. Coulson couldn't wait to live in that big house with these amazing girls.

"Santa can only give presents he can make in his workshop, like a barbie doll or a toy car. I'm growing the baby so Santa doesn't have any influence on that."

"Okay, need be girl, Mommy."

Melinda chuckled. "I'll try my best, but don't be disappointed if it's a boy."

"Won't be, 'cus it be girl."

Coulson smiled and hung another glittery snowflake in the tree, listening to Melinda and Amy's conversation with amusement. Melinda was such a good mom, patient, funny, sweet. 

Her depression was holding all of that in, he guessed, and it wasn't her fault. He was still as determined as ever to bring out the best in her - or whatever her depression would allow her to show.

Amy squealed in delight when Coulson lifted her and made her put the star topper on the top of the tree.

"There. All done," Coulson proclaimed, taking a step back to admire the view. Amy had her arms wrapped tightly around his neck while she looked at the tree. Melinda even came to stand by him and wrap an arm around his side. He could tell she was tired and might need a nap soon.

"It's beautiful, Phil," she whispered.

"Merry Christmas, my love," he replied. He knew she was rolling her eyes. 

"It's not even Christmas yet."

"Don't care. In my heart, it's always Christmas."

"Dork."

"You love me."

She hummed, amused, and rested her head on his shoulder. In his turn, Coulson rested his hand lightly on her swollen belly. He had never expected to find something like this so intimate, but it truly was. He could never have expected that Melinda May would allow intimacies such as this, least of all with him.

He sighed in contentment. They enjoyed a quiet moment, the three of them looking at their first Christmas tree, until their fourth member made her rude entrance. 

"Wooooow!" 

Amy giggled as she saw her big sister and wiggled out of Coulson's arms. Daisy was just in time to drop her school stuff on the kitchen table before Amy jumped into her arms.

"It's Chrisses, Cay Cay!"

"It sure is! Although, the real fun doesn't start until Christmas morning, of course. Does this mean Santa will be bringing presents this year?" Daisy asked, looking at their parents. Coulson had used his now free arms to gather Melinda in his arms, because Christmas or not, he had felt her mood had shifted a little when their quiet moment had been interrupted like that. He nodded at Daisy, whose face dropped a little at the sight in front of her.

"We'll be getting presents, Amycita! Well, I'll be getting presents, because you've been naughty."

"Have not!"

"Have too!"

"Have not!"

Coulson brushed Melinda's hair out of her face and tipped her chin up. She had a slight frown between her brows, which probably indicated that a headache wasn't far away. He kissed her briefly before pulling her with him to their bedroom. 

He could still hear Daisy and Amy's discussion in the living room, which had turned down in volume just a little bit, probably thanks to Daisy.

"I know you don't like Christmas," Coulson said softly, closing the curtains while she sat on the bed. "But I thought, for our kids' sake, we should probably bring it back. You know, presents and all."

"That's not true." 

He frowned and looked at her. She had often opposed to daytime naps since the news of her pregnancy but she wasn't fighting him this time, which he hadn't thought of until now, seeing her pull off her shirt. (Stretchy, to accommodate her growing body. The thought almost made him smile.) She looked around her and found his sleep shirt, which was really just an old SHIELD shirt, and put it on instead. His heart always did weird things whenever he saw her in one of his shirts, even way before they had gotten together.

"What?"

"I loved Christmas, but only when I could spend it with you."

His heart softened and he didn't fight his smile. The corners of her lips tilted upwards just the tiniest bit, but enough for him to notice. 

"Aw, Melinda, you're becoming a romantic after all."

Now, her smile widened, and she rolled her eyes while she let him help her lay down. He brought in a few pillows to support her belly, like he had done when she had been pregnant with Amy.

"Don't bet on it."

"Noted. Hey, Melinda?"

She had closed her eyes as soon as her head had hit her pillow. She opened them to look at him.

"I'll take care of everything. Christmas is the season of love and support, and you deserve to experience that without worrying about anything."

"You're too good for me," she whispered, her hand brushing his cheek.

"Don't you forget that."

He kissed her, tucked her in and quietly left the room, closing the door behind him. As soon as he reappeared in the living room, Daisy stopped talking.

"Did I mess her up?"

"Nope. I think the transition from quiet to Daisy Johnson was too quick."

Daisy blushed briefly and Amy saw, who giggled. 

"Daddy, Cay Cay teach me Chrisses songs."

"Hopefully only the good ones."

"Wham, Band Aid, U2," Daisy answered. 

"All songs from before your time."

"Excuse me, I'm an 80's baby." (Oops. He always forgot that. She was already thirty.) "And U2's song was really just a cover of Darlene Love's song, which is from before  _ your _ time."

Coulson smiled. "Hate to burst your bubble, but I'm a 60's baby so it's  _ exactly _ from my time."

"Ha! So you're calling yourself old, too! Gotcha!"

Amy chuckled, although Coulson doubted she had any idea what they were talking about. She probably just liked her big sister calling her father 'old'.

He was old. But he preferred old to… well, the  _ other thing _ . Daisy could tell his mood had changed, too, so she fought to get it back on track. She reached for her phone and within seconds, the soothing notes of one of his favorite Christmas songs hit his ears. He felt his smile widen.

"Michael Bublé makes the best Christmas songs," Daisy said to no one in particular. She put the phone on the table and gathered Amy in her arms, who ended up crawling into her lap with her back against Daisy's chest. 

"The original is from 1951," Coulson said absentmindedly, lost a little in the song. This. The lights, the music, the company - this was what made Christmas the best holiday for him.

"Which makes this a song from before both our times."

He smiled and nodded to Daisy. Amy was no longer paying attention to their conversation, and was instead getting lost in every new little thing in their living room. The song gave him another shopping list altogether, but he would be running more errands before Christmas Eve, for sure.

_ "But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be _

_ On your own front door _

_ So it’s Christmas once more." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I believe this marked a moment in me writing this story where I realized that I wasn't really diving into the relationships Daisy had with May, Coulson and even Amelia. I wrote several chapters in-between existing ones to make up for that, but you probably won't have noticed it at all, hahaha! (Although, considering I wrote most of this story in chronological order, it's sometimes a bit difficult to be adding content in a part of the story that the characters have effectively already grown past. For this reason, I can't imagine how hard it can be for actors to have to shoot films and movies out of order, never really knowing what kind of development your character has gone through. Anyway.)  
> Also, yes, Pepper Potts! I know the story isn't technically in the same timeline as the one from Infinity War so there's a chance Tony Stark never died in AoS, but this idea just popped into my head and then it had to be written! I believe Tony always cared about ("his first name is Agent") Coulson and Pepper knew that, too. I want to believe that she would try and help him out as much as she can.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, short chapter, I know, but the next chapter will be much longer, I promise!  
> Also, I just realized that we surpassed 100k+ words and this story is now officially the longest story I have ever written, including any of the stories I have published on FanFiction (the longest there was only 50k+ and that felt like a long story, lol) so yay to that!

While Coulson was doing the groceries this one day not long before Christmas Eve, he found Santa in their local mall taking wish lists from the kids. Amy had been super excited about her list and hadn't been able to stop talking about it, but seeing the man in person made her suddenly nervous. 

"Shall we go say hi to Santa, Amy?" Coulson asked her. She nodded but only because he had asked her - she would probably have preferred to keep walking and to go home.

Coulson was asked by one of the supporting employees to write down Amy's name on a tag and put it on her chest, but the girl couldn't read yet and anyway, she was too anxious about meeting him to really be paying attention to that.

"He know I'm Amy, Daddy?"

"Of course he'll know."

"I dint do Chrisses."

"He will still know who you are, baby girl. He knows all the kids of the entire world, even those who have been naughty."

"I'm not naughty."

"Right."

Amy was shaking when it was her turn. She wouldn't let go of Coulson's hand.

"Hello there, Amelia! So good to finally meet you!"

Amy looked up at Coulson, who was merely smiling at her and encouraging her to go up to Santa and talk with him.

"You know my name?"

"Of course I know your name! I know the names of all the sweet kids, they're my favorite."

Amy chuckled and smiled at her father and then carefully climbed the stage and accepted Santa's hands pulling her onto his lap.

"You've been nice this year, right, Amelia?"

"Yes Santa!"

"Good! Now what would you like to get for Christmas this year?"

Amy frowned at him and crossed eyes with Coulson briefly. "I given you a list, Santa."

Santa laughed and some other people in the vicinity did, too. Amy, however, was incredibly serious and didn't like people laughing at her. Santa quickly turned the conversation. 

"I know, but I can put in a good word to the elves for one gift so you're extra likely to get it."

"Oh. In that case…" Amy looked at Coulson, who was dreading what she was going to say, but the girl decided to whisper her wish into Santa's ear instead. Santa listened seriously to her and nodded in understanding. His face softened visibly. (He must be tired. It was the middle of the day after all. Coulson would never want to do what this man did, but only because he didn't like sitting still for hours on end.)

"I see. That's a lovely wish, Amelia. I'll see what I can do, but I can't make any guarantees."

Coulson's bet was that she had asked for a baby sister, because she had made her preference known, resolutely, on that topic. She wanted a sister and that was final and 'there will be no arguing, Daddy'. (She took after her mother.) He was happy with either, but he knew Melinda had put her bets on a boy already.

Amy nodded in understanding.

"Is there anything else you would like?"

She shook her head. Santa frowned. "You don't want a toy or anything? I seem to remember you had lots more on your list."

"No, Santa, that."

"Alright. You're a sweet girl, Amelia. Have a merry Christmas and maybe I'll see you next year."

"Santa, qestion?"

"Tell me."

"You speak lanisses?"

Santa frowned and looked at Coulson. It was true that the only people who fully understood this girl were her parents and big sister. 

"Languages."

Santa nodded in understanding and looked down at Amy again.

"Most of them, yes. I learned them all because of the lovely letters children have sent me."

"Zhōngwén?"  _ (Chinese?) _

"Yī diǎndiǎn."  _ (A little bit.) _ Coulson was thoroughly impressed with both of them, because he didn't hear a lot of Chinese in their household and yet somehow, his little girl could speak Chinese as well as she could speak English - which still wasn't good but she was two, what could you expect. He wondered what conversations Melinda and also Daisy had with this little girl, but realized a lot of them were apparently in Chinese. Also, he knew most other kids of her age didn't have half the vocabulary that Amy did. He wondered if those were his genes at play once again. "I can understand it better, however."

"Cool." Amy smiled. "Mewwy Chrisses, Santa." 

She kissed his cheek and jumped from his lap, basically straight into Coulson's arms. He smiled at Santa, who waved at him in acknowledgement, and kept looking at them for a little longer than he had seen the man do before.

While driving home, curiosity got the better of Coulson eventually. 

"Amy?"

"Daddy?"

"What did you tell Santa your wish was?"

She shrugged. She was looking out the window when she answered. "I wish Mommy be happy."

Coulson just had to swallow away his tears. How was this girl so sweet at two years old? How had she only wished for that, and nothing else?

"You're so sweet," he whispered, smiling at her over his shoulder. If anyone deserved to get all of her wishes granted, it was Amelia Coulson.

~...~

Christmas Eve had passed by relatively quietly. They had had a peaceful dinner with the four of them, and had cuddled on the couch afterwards while watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas (already a massive success with Amy because of dog Max). Daisy had claimed she didn't need to cuddle up with them because she was too old and it was embarrassing. 

"Nobody will see you," Coulson reasoned with her. "You'll still be cool after the winter break."

She had rolled her eyes but had remained on the chair stubbornly. Coulson just shrugged and pulled Amy closer, his arm around Melinda who was seated on the other side of the girl. 

Eventually, of course Daisy gave in. She slid onto the couch, perhaps trying not to make them notice, but he pulled her close and wrapped his other arm around her. She settled against his side with her head on his shoulder.

"I'm basically the Grinch," Daisy murmured in response to the movie, causing Melinda to laugh.

Amy was impossible to get to bed when the movie was finished, which was a first. (She and her mother would usually be asleep by the end of a movie.) She couldn't stop talking about the presents she would be getting.

"Want my wish."

"That Mommy is happy?"

She nodded. He kissed her little hand, her left. He couldn't help but feel a connection with her because of this hand, even if he was missing his whole hand and she was just missing a few inches. She wasn't perfect, but she was perfect to him.

"Well, Mommy is going in the right direction. I think she's been happier lately, don't you?"

"'Cuz baby, Daddy?"

"Perhaps. The baby does make Mommy feel different than usual. I hope she stays like this a little longer."

"Me too." Coulson tucked her in and straightened her hair, as though she wouldn't wake up with extreme bed hair the next morning. He wondered if she would even sleep. "Daddy? Mommy get presents too?"

Yes. He knew she would, because he had bought all their presents and he hadn't been able to stop himself from buying some things for his wife, too.

"Perhaps."

"'Cuz of baby?"

"Because Mommy has been nice, too. Santa doesn't only give presents to the kids, you know. Some of his favorite grownups get presents, too."

"Mommy is Santa's favowite gownup."

She really was, if Coulson was Santa, that is. Melinda May was Phil Coulson's favorite grownup, by a long shot. Everybody else paled in comparison to her.

"Now sleep. The sooner you sleep, the more time Santa will have to bring the presents here."

She nodded enthusiastically but he had a feeling he would have to fish her out of the living room at some point this night. It was alright. Being excited and even nervous about the presents you would be getting on Christmas morning was part of the fun.

"And don't forget to stay in bed until your light turns green. And you can wake one of us up then."

She nodded and they kissed quickly, before he set her sleep training light and turned off the other lights. Amy had often woken up too early for their liking, waking up everybody but especially Melinda, who would always hear Amelia scurry around their home. They had purchased this night light as a result, shaped like a little cloud, which flashed red when she should still be in bed and flashed green when it was okay for her to get out. Of course Coulson wished they could sleep in until 10 that morning but he was realistic and usually set the light for 7 am. Which was still quite optimistic but Amy did seem to stick to it. He had let her know that she could play quietly in her room while the light was red, but he preferred to have her in bed still. (He had read this heartbreaking story about a little girl who had died because a dresser had toppled over while she was playing in her room. He had mounted literally everything he could to the wall after that. He would never forgive himself.) She usually listened to that.

He loved placing the presents underneath the tree. He had always wanted to do this.

Melinda held him tightly that night, for some reason. Perhaps she was scared of what Amy was going to say or do the next morning, or she was worried the girl wouldn't like her toys. Coulson had asked for some inspiration from Melinda, too, but had mostly settled for ticking off a majority of Amy's list. They were short on money but Amy had been nothing but kind and patient for the past few weeks so she deserved to get some praise for that.

"How you feeling?" he asked her. She sighed and kissed his cheek. She merely gave a shrug in response. 

"Afraid I will pull the mood down."

He could understand that. Her depression was unpredictable at best, because she could be doing well one minute and completely shut herself off the next. There was nothing he could really change about that except make sure she didn't have to worry about a thing, so she wouldn't feel too pressured. He was good at that, however.

"I took care of everything. You just have to show up." She could remain in bed if she wanted to, if that made her happy. For once, he wouldn't try to talk her out of it.

She sighed and didn't respond for a while. He let his thoughts run rampant. During his search for the perfect gifts for his family, he hadn't been able to get Amy's number one wish out of his head. She wanted her Mommy to be happy. They all did. But while it was the best wish he could ever possibly think of, there was no way in hell he could ever fulfill it, much less wrap it in wrapping paper and put it underneath the Christmas tree.

"What did you buy for Amy?" Melinda asked, perhaps in an attempt to change the subject, or maybe she was actually curious.

"A bunch of stuff. You'll see tomorrow." She seemed to accept this answer even though he could tell it didn't really satisfy her curiosity. "Her biggest wish I couldn't possibly put underneath the tree, anyway."

"I bet it's a baby sister."

He shook his head, and secretly realized how much alike they were because that had been his first thought, too.

"No. She wished for you to be happy."

He looked at her face for a response and while he had expected her to remain impassive, he was surprised to find her eyes filling with tears.

"Mel?"

"That's so sweet," she whispered, before she buried her face against his shoulder and cried for real. He held her close to him, letting her hear the steady beating of his heart, knowing it calmed her down. He could tell she had been holding all this in, and try he might, he would never be able to convince her to let go for once. Seems Christmas worked some miracles after all.

She whispered her love to him, still a blubbering mess, and fell asleep in his arms with her hair plastered to her face, tears pooling on her chin. He brushed her hair back, wiped her tears away and made her settle comfortably, a pillow supporting her slightly swollen belly. He couldn't help himself from brushing her bump, giddy with love and excitement. 

"This will be your big sister's first Christmas, but next year, it'll be your turn. Santa won't forget a single year, I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Christmas morning!


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so, Merry Christmas! Lol let's just pretend that 2020 never existed and we're moving towards 2021 now okay? Okay.  
> Also, what the hell was 7x06? And also, the hell, was that preview for 7x07. You can't just kill Coulson off for the 8385968th time and then be like 'okaaaay folks 7x07 is aliens in the 80s because Mack loves these movies let's goooo' like the hell?

Of course Amelia stood in their bedroom at five in the morning, obviously already having tried to entertain herself and keep away from the living room. She did, however, manage to be relatively quiet so Melinda was still asleep when Coulson slipped out of bed to join his toddler daughter. 

"I din't check, Daddy. I stay in my room."

"Very good, baby girl. Let's go have a quick peek."

Her tiny hand was shaking a bit, as though she was still afraid she wouldn't be getting any presents. Even if she could be naughty, her sweet moments by far outweighed the bad and nobody would classify her as a naughty girl. More… adventurous and a little cheeky.

She gasped when they rounded the corner and her eyes landed on the pile of presents scattered around the Christmas tree. They stood like that for a while, as though she couldn't quite believe that there were actually presents and that Santa had actually brought them to her apartment. (She had been scared that Santa wouldn't be able to come because they didn't have a fireplace. Of course, Coulson had an answer to everything.)

"Let's go open one and then wait until Mommy and Daisy are awake until we do the rest." He knew she wouldn't be satisfied with just looking. Perhaps like this, she would be further entertained for a few hours.

She had picked one present and upon opening, squealed in delight. "Paw Parol!"

It was a stuffed plushie of her favorite Paw Patrol character, Marshall, and she hugged it so close to her chest he thought she might pop its eyes out. His heart warmed when he saw her reaction and knew it was worth fighting another parent over this. (He had grabbed the last one. She wanted it too. He couldn't help it that his reflexes were better than hers.)

"I'm so asscited, Daddy!"

Her vocabulary seemed based on the day of the week, or the position of the moon or something. She had been speaking relatively well the day before, but then again, she probably hadn't slept a lot and he knew that it would mess with his speech, too.

"I'm excited too, baby girl. But we'll have to wait until Mommy and Daisy are awake to open the rest. Think you can wait a little longer?"

She shrugged. He could tell she was tired yet still anxious, so he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her onto the couch. She settled in his arms without protesting while holding onto Marshall tightly, her thumb in her mouth. She lay her head on his chest while mumbling some things he couldn't quite understand.

He wasn't utterly surprised when she fell asleep after a while. He always loved acting as a human pillow with any of his girls, although Daisy hadn't really used him that way before. He wondered if she perhaps would in the future, but he wasn't sure for what reason.

Daisy was the first to appear, bed hair and all. She was mindful to be careful and quiet because all of them were these days, and not just because of Melinda. They had gotten into a heated argument with their upstairs neighbors because they did not appreciate the ruckus Amelia caused. She was two, so Coulson didn't really know what they expected. He knew, rationally, that she was making sounds that they could hear upstairs, but never at unreasonable hours because the girl would be in bed herself by then.

She smiled at him and remained quiet when she saw the sleeping toddler in his arms. She took a picture of the tree and the presents around it with her phone and then sat on the kitchen table, enthralled in the device for a while. He wondered what she was doing in the first place but had learned not to ask her about it, because she had thrown a long, complicated explanation his way about 'boomerang', 'sap-chat' or whatever. He hadn't understood anything and she had probably done it on purpose so he wouldn't ask again.

She went into the kitchen to prepare some hot beverages, and as if on cue, Melinda shuffled into the living room, too, in quite the same state as Daisy had been. She disappeared into the bathroom first, because he knew the baby was starting to push on her bladder, and then reappeared with mostly straightened hair and shirt.

Coulson loved simple mornings like these. It didn't even matter that it was Christmas morning, although of course it did, because they didn't often get the chance to wake up like this together. Especially Daisy had to leave their home quite early to catch her 8 am classes, and Melinda would often still be in bed at that time.

He loved the simplicity of it. He couldn't explain it better than that. All four of them were safe and warm and comfortable and trusted each other enough to show their vulnerable side, after having just woken up. (Most of them were evening people.) It was intimate. Domestic bliss.

Melinda kissed him, deeply, hunched over until her back protested and she pulled away to kiss Amy on her forehead. Melinda knew it would wake the girl up, so it must be a signal that she was ready to face this girl's whirlwind. 

Amy grumbled and groaned a little, Marshall having fallen to Coulson's side by now, but then she saw her mother and smiled that cute, sleepy smile.

"Mommyyy."

Melinda would otherwise have lifted the girl into her arms easily, because she was Melinda May after all, but her pregnancy had been a little hard on her body so far, so she didn't do a lot of heavy lifting. (Of course, Melinda claimed she was fine. Of course, Coulson could see right through that.) Melinda instead reached out to hold Amy's hands and guide her off his lap. Amy hugged her mother, even though it was mostly her bump that she was hugging, and smiled up at her.

"Good morning, baby girl. Merry Christmas."

Amy seemed to have forgotten completely what had tired her out so much in the first place, but she suddenly seemed to remember Marshall and the Christmas tree and her movements from then on were too fast to be registered by human eyes.

Daisy brought two cups to the coffee table and made Melinda sit down beside Coulson. 

"One coffee, one tea. Sugar and milk has already been distributed in the right amounts." She winked at them and pointed to Amy, who was (not so) carefully lifting all of the presents to perhaps guess what was inside them. She pretended to read the tags but she couldn't read. "You focus on your kid. I'll make us some breakfast."

"That's really not necessary," Melinda started to protest, but Daisy waved it off. 

"Of course it is. It's Christmas. And on occasions like these, I believe it's a custom with some families that the kids provide their parents with a tasty breakfast."

"That's literally the first time I'm hearing of this."

"Okay, I might have just made that up. But no matter! I'll still make some breakfast and you will unwrap these presents with Amelia, whether you like it or not!"

She wouldn't hear any other protests from then on so Melinda just quit. She looked up at him, and as he was smiling down at her, she returned his smile. She pulled up her legs and settled into his side, his arm around her pulling her even closer.

"Daddy! Daddy, this one Amy?" Amy asked him, bringing a big present over to him. He read the tag and nodded. "I bet it pony!"

She unwrapped it almost aggressively and Coulson had to reach out a few times to prevent her from destroying the box. It turned out to be a rocking pony. Amy loved it and yelled how happy she was with it. Altogether, the volume of her voice raised significantly with every passing minute, until a quick correction from Melinda took care of that.

"And this, Daddy?"

He read the tag.  _ 'Mommy.'  _ He smiled at Melinda and held it out to her. She shook her head. He pushed it back into her hands. 

"Santa got you a present, dear."

" _ Santa _ didn't need to do that."

He chuckled and pushed her away just enough so she could properly unwrap the present. 

It was a pacifier. A Christmas pacifier.

He knew Melinda didn't want to buy a lot for the baby because she was still half certain that the baby wouldn't even be born in the first place, but Coulson had seen the pacifier and hadn't been able to stop himself from buying it. He had felt butterflies in his belly when he thought about the fact that their baby might be using this pacifier a year from now. That they would be here with them at that point. 

"Phil," Melinda whispered. "Why…"

"Well,  _ Santa _ must have known somehow that we haven't bought anything for the baby. I guess he just wanted to help get us started."

Amy was eyeing the pacifier almost longingly because she had just quit using it. Coulson was making a note to himself to not leave this pacifier alone with her.

Melinda's eyes had filled up with tears and he kissed her cheek. She resumed her place in his arms, face turned away from him. He knew she was crying. He let her be. He knew it was mostly her pregnancy making her cry this time around. (He could tell the difference now.)

"Paci?" Amy asked, pointing to the pacifier. Just as Coulson had expected. 

"It's for the baby."

"I want paci."

"But the paci is for the baby. You're a big girl, big girls don't use a paci."

"Dadyyyy!"

"Daisy is a big girl and I don't see her with a paci. You remember when we sent your paci to the paci-fairy so she could give it to a little baby who really needed it?"

Amy didn't appear to have the right words to explain how upset she was. She stomped her foot and it caused Melinda to sit up and reach out for her daughter. Her own tears seemed to be forgotten as she wrapped her arms around a crying Amy.

"It's okay, baby girl," Melinda whispered. "I understand you miss your paci. It's tough but I know you can get through it. You're such a brave, strong big girl, Amy."

"Not big girl, Mommy!"

"Okay. You don't want to be a big girl or you can't be a big girl?"

Amy whimpered and disappeared further into Melinda's arms. She looked at him for a moment, before they seemed to make a silent agreement, because he nodded and got up to get her pacifier. They had kept it for emergencies and this seemed to be one. Even if it was Christmas.

"Alright. I guess you're not ready to be a big girl yet. That's okay. We can try it later."

Coulson wriggled the pacifier between Melinda's arms and found Amy's mouth. The girl sighed in relief before suckling contently on the paci. The crying had immediately stopped.

"Sowwy Mommy," Amy said around her pacifier. Melinda shook her head and kissed Amy's forehead. 

"It's okay. We all feel a little sad sometimes. It's nothing to feel ashamed of. You know, Mommy can feel very sad too. It helps to cry and hug someone you love."

Amy closed her eyes and rested her head between Melinda's breasts. The woman seemed a little taken aback at this action but went with it anyway. They sat in silence for a while until the sound of Christmas songs filled the living room.

Daisy had turned on some music, it seemed. She had put some food on the kitchen table but looked at them with a worried expression.

"She'll be fine," Coulson explained, brushing Amy's hair before joining Daisy at the table. "It looks really good, Daisy. I wonder where you learned to cook this well."

"Hey, I'll have you know, I lived on my own for many years before you fished me out of the streets."

"Strange. I always pictured you to be a takeaway type of gal."

Daisy turned her head away but she wasn't quick enough to stop him from seeing her blush. He chuckled and took a seat, looking at her with amusement. He knew it. She had been living on junk food while staying in that van. Even more consolation that he had changed her life, because it had been for the better. Although the losses he could never really undo. Just as with Melinda, he wished he could have kept her from sorrow and pain like that. For Melinda, he wished he could undo Bahrain, and even the death of Andrew, the inhumane road the man had had to go down only to have to sacrifice himself for Daisy. (Of course, Coulson was happy Andrew had done that, but he also knew he deserved better than that.) Melinda had been devastated by his death, and Coulson had wanted to help her through it, but hadn't thought it was his place to do so.

For Daisy, he wished he could have undone her quite traumatic reunion with her biological parents. They had started out nice enough, and though his heart had slightly constricted at the sight of her happy face when she had talked about Jiaying and Cal, he had of course only wanted the best for her, too. (He had perhaps always seen her as his daughter, and he realized even more now that he had a biological daughter of his own, that any parent would want the best for their child.) But then they had turned out to be less than perfect, and Jiaying had nearly killed her and everyone Daisy had ever cared about. Daisy had removed her pink glasses and had realized that she would never contact them again. He had gently held her in his arms the day she had said goodbye to Cal, who already didn't know who she was anymore. He knew he had crossed a line, but she had thanked him for it afterwards. 

He wished he could undo her traumatic transition into being an Inhuman. There wasn't a lot he could have done for her at that time, and in retrospect, that was about the only thing he could thank Jiaying for. (That and giving birth to her.) Still, he wished he could have supported her better. 

Amy's muffled sobs broke his thoughts and he looked at Melinda, who was sitting across from him with Amy in her arms. For a fleeting moment, he realized that that would be happening soon, too, but then with another young baby. He waved that thought away.

"Shall I take her? You should eat." She couldn't really take her meds on an empty stomach, so she had to eat at least something. But Melinda shook her head.

"Already tried that," Melinda said softly, her face mostly unreadable. Daisy took the seat beside him.

"While you were off in your fantasy world just now, Amy profusely refused to be in your arms."

Melinda flashed a slightly offended look in Daisy's direction. 

"What she means is that Amy preferred my arms over yours. Don't take it personally."

"I'm not. I fully understand. I would want your arms too if I got that choice."

Melinda blushed and rolled her eyes at the same time and Coulson smiled. They had a quick breakfast, and with every passing minute, Amy calmed down more and more until she sat down on the seat beside Melinda with the booster seat firmly in place. They moved the conversation away from the pacifier because they all knew they would create even more intense emotions about the topic. Coulson knew realistically that children could keep using their pacifier until age four, and it would still be socially acceptable. He also knew however that Amy had brought up the idea herself because one of her friends at daycare had also ditched her pacifier, but Amy was too young to realize that some kids just weren't ready to go without a pacifier and that that was totally okay. Although they would try to limit her pacifier use to just the nights, because she didn't really use it much during the day anyway.

Coulson also realized it would probably be harder for Amy to wean off her own pacifier if her baby brother or sister got to use one, no matter how young they were. He hoped by then she had gotten used to the idea of weaning.

Amy didn't finish her breakfast and instead went back to the tree after a while, remembering what had brought them here together in the first place. Coulson thought for a few moments she might begin to recognize certain names on the tags but he had been proven wrong.

"Too small. Not for Amy."

They had all laughed and read the tag and it was for Daisy. It was a small, flat box and Coulson instantly recognized it. He grew nervous because he knew this was about the trickiest gift he had gotten. 

Daisy frowned at him, knowing he had gotten all of the presents, and opened it. Her eyes lit up and filled with tears when she saw what it was and she smiled brightly when she looked up at him.

"Phil."

"Santa doesn't do returns."

She laughed and went over to him and he enveloped her in his arms where she cried, much like Melinda had done earlier. He simply sighed in bliss and held her just a little closer, a little longer.

He knew Melinda sometimes thought about what kind of child Daisy had been. They had compared her to Amy often, but Amy had something that Daisy didn't at that time - a loving home, loving parents, hugs, kisses, safety and stability. (Melinda had cried once because it hurt to think about it, but she had blamed the baby for her crying afterwards.) Coulson would have loved to have been Daisy's father back then, but he hadn't been, and he couldn't really change that anymore. The only thing he could do for her was to be there now, give her the option to hug him and spill her heart out to him, if she wanted to. Or to Melinda, whichever she preferred, but while Amy was a Mama's girl, Daisy definitely had a preference for him. For some damn reason.

Melinda had distracted Amy for a while by helping her unpack the next present, but was of course curious what had caused Daisy to cry like this. She reached out and checked the box.

He hadn't really gone all out on this gift, because he didn't know if Daisy would accept it in the first place. It was a necklace with her name and a Daisy underlining the letters. It was a subtle yet gorgeous necklace that the jeweler had reassured him would make any daughter's heart melt. Accompanying the necklace, there was a bit of text written in the box, that he had been able to customize. 

_ 'Today and always, please know that I see you. I see the path you've made that's all your own. I see the many unique talents and gifts you have to share. I see your brilliance, your enthusiasm, and how deeply you care and hurt sometimes. I see your hard-earned wisdom, your soft pure innocence, your courage and compassion, your unconditional goodness. I see what a difference you make in this world, and I hope you know how very much I love you, and how proud I'll always be to have a daughter as wonderful as you.' _

"Oh my god," Melinda breathed, carefully returning the box to Daisy. "Phil... why..."

"You three are the most important people in my life. I have put you through so much shit and you still took me back when I reappeared on your doorstep and I'll be forever grateful for that. I can't thank you enough. These kinds of presents are only the start of me repaying that debt. You can expect a lot more in the future."

"You don't have to do that," Melinda whispered, shaking her head. "Of course we would have taken you back, Phil. There was no inch in me that would have been able to send you away. Please don't think you need to apologize for anything. That you need to pay us back. You being here and loving us is more than enough."

He shrugged. Of course he didn't agree, or he wouldn't have bought these presents for them.

"I will love and support you no matter what, you know that. I just want to spoil you senseless. Just let me do that."

Melinda nodded, still reluctant. But she could no doubt see that he was serious and that he only did this out of love, and she nodded again, a bit more confidently this time. Daisy sat up and took the box in her hands.

"Now my gift to y'all seems incredibly stupid," she whispered, as though Amy would have noticed her saying that, the way the little girl was enthralled in her new toys. She carefully took the necklace from the box and handed it to him, turning her back towards him and moving her hair out of the way. He put the necklace around her neck and Daisy looked down at her chest, sighed and turned back to him to kiss his cheek.

"Thanks, Santa."

He smiled and nodded and as if on cue, Amy basically ruined the moment.

"Pwesent, Daddy!"

"That's right, there are still a few more presents left. But I think Amy's had enough, don't you think, Mommy?" Melinda nodded with a smile but kept a careful watch of their toddler. She was tired and jokes didn't always land well in this state of mind. "Why don't we send the rest back to Santa?"

"Nooooooo! Nooo Daddy!" She protected all the presents with her full body, stumbled and fell to the floor. Coulson laughed because he doubted that it had hurt and knew he would only make things worse if he patronized her now, babied her. He scooped her up from the floor and she laughed at him, confirming his thoughts. He draped her over his shoulder and sat down on the couch again. Daisy walked over to the small pile of remaining presents, one of her hands seemingly unconsciously resting on the pendant of her new necklace. Coulson's heart warmed at the sight. He had bought the right one, it seemed.

"Mom and Dad!" she proclaimed, throwing the present to Melinda who barely managed to catch it. Coulson had a feeling that this was the present Daisy had been talking about because he didn't remember buying himself a gift.

Melinda chuckled as she unwrapped it and revealed two black shirts. She unfolded them both and laughed when she took in the front. She threw one of the shirts his way and draped the other against her chest to showcase the text. 'Bump', with a heart around the text.

Cute. But Daisy was snickering and so was Melinda so he guessed his accompanying shirt was less cute. He held it up in front of him.

'The man behind the bump.'

What did Daisy expect his reaction to be? Did she think he would throw it back to her and be embarrassed that she had gotten this for him and Melinda? Because she would be wrong.

He smiled brightly and put it on, on top of his PJ's. He was proud of this shirt, because he  _ was _ the man behind Melinda's bump and he was proud of that fact, too. He knew Daisy was uncomfortable with thinking about him and Melinda being sexually active, together, but she was happy about the prospect of having another baby sibling so this is the price she had to pay for that.

Melinda was giggling and Coulson smiled at her. They were both incredibly proud of where they were in life, depression aside. They were proud of the fact that for some reason, they had created a little baby together, two even. The statistics should point out that it's impossible, but here they were anyway.

"What it say, Daddy?" Amy asked, pointing at his chest. He smiled at her and pulled her into his arms.

"Something you'll get when you're older."

"I older."

"Sure you are. Why don't you bring the rest of the presents over here, we'll open them up."

Amy nodded frantically and pushed all the presents their way. Coulson was pretty certain the remaining presents weren't fragile, so he didn't really stop her.

When Amy lay on the couch a little later with a bunch of her toys around her and herself fast asleep, Melinda kissed Coulson deeply, her hands on his chest covering the text on his shirt.

"Merry Christmas, Phil Coulson," she whispered.

"You too, Melinda May."

"Coulson."

"What?"

"Melinda May-Coulson."

His arms wrapped around her on instinct at that sound, man he would never get enough of hearing that. Mrs. Coulson. And he was her Mr. Coulson.

"Next year though, don't spoil us quite so much."

He just smiled at her and she probably knew, she would definitely be getting more gifts next year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, yes, everyone develops a preference for one of their parents, right, and that's not a bad thing at all. You might just spend more time with one parent as opposed to the other, and I think it's only natural. Amy is a Mommy's girl but Daisy definitely prefers her Dad, I'm sorry I don't make the rules. *shrug* (Actually, I do considering I write this fic but whatever.)  
> Also, yes I know, I have done the whole "May-Coulson" dialogue before but whatever. I like it so I'm keeping it.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so who watched Hamilton as soon as it was released on Disney+ too? I'm a theater kid and will ALWAYS BE a theater kid so the fact that one of the most popular musicals (which I could never see otherwise considering it only played in the US) is now LEGAL to watch ONLINE as opposed to illegally filmed videos blows my fucking mind. What a time to be alive. It has nothing to do with this story, I know.

They moved into the new house not long after Christmas. May had told everyone of her pregnancy by then. She sometimes regretted telling Phil and Daisy, because they fretted over her more than they should. She was used to it, sure, because on her bad days, they had also forced her to drink some tea or take a nap, but she had felt like shit then and hadn't felt the need to fight them over it, didn't even know how. 

Now, she felt good. Nauseous, tired sometimes, but her mind was clear and she knew it wasn't that which was keeping her in bed now. (Spoiler alert, it was Phil.)

She had been anxious the first night about a lot of things, most of their stuff was still either in boxes in the house or in storage boxes in the center of town. They still had a long way to go before this place would really be their home. And she was afraid that Amy wouldn't want to settle into this place, that she would prefer her old room.

Phil had guided May through it. The most vital items had been placed in the house (their own fridge, their beds and a lot of everyday items for Amelia) and even though everything was different, it still felt familiar when she had slipped into bed later that night. Even Amy hadn't protested, which was quite a surprise. 

They had decorated all of the rooms, put their items in the correct places, and Amy was involved a lot in the process, to help her cope. Daisy did most of her room herself, preferring putting the effort in. Phil had helped her only a little, he couldn't help it.

Finally, they reached the fourth bedroom. The door had stayed stubbornly closed since they had moved in, because May wanted every other room to be finished by the time they started in the nursery. They still had a ton of time to decorate and finish it. By that time, though, when they had finished all of the painting and decorating they had wanted to do, she was already 21 weeks along and there was no doubting that she was pregnant. She wanted to help with moving but she had ended up just giving directions instead. Phil had forced her down onto their new couch a lot of the time because really, he was right, she was pushing herself too much.

Phil had surprised May with door signs. Actual door signs. If May thought he couldn't get any dorkier, she was proven wrong time and time again. Amy had helped him put the signs on the right doors, after he had read them to her.

_ Mom and Dad's room.  _

_ Daisy's room. _ (Unsurprisingly, full of daisies. She didn't mind. She was glad it wasn't Princess Daisy.)

_ Amelia's room. _ (The girl went ecstatic when she saw how pink it was, and when she noticed there was a ballerina in the bottom right corner.)

The final one was a bit difficult to explain to Amy, seeing as May hadn't really gotten back to the pregnancy reveal yet for Amy.

_ Baby's room. _ Amy knew she would be getting a baby sibling, but it seemed she didn't know that the baby was currently growing in May's belly.

"I thinked, pizza baby." Amy tapped May's belly and looked up at her. "Mommy? Pizza baby?"

May frowned but saw Daisy snickering in a corner a little bit away. 

"I'm definitely not having a pizza baby, Amy. Although, that would be really tasty, admittedly." Amy chuckled at that and nodded. She had barely eaten any pizza in her lifetime but Daisy had an influence on her. Case in point, pizza baby. "Mommy is having a real baby. You don't remember, but you were once in Mommy's belly, too."

" _ I _ was pizza baby, Mommy?"

May rolled her eyes and looked at Daisy. Who was laughing now and slipped into her new room. May looked at Phil who nodded and dragged Daisy out and brought her to May.

"You explain it."

"But-"

"You put the pizza baby idea in her head. Get it out."

"May, you gotta admit, it's kind of funny."

She couldn't deny that. "But I don't want her to think I'm having a pizza baby."

"Okay. I'll fix it."

Daisy lifted Amy into her arms and took her into the little girl's room, the door slightly opened. May couldn't help but listen in.

"She has a general idea about the baby," Phil whispered. He took his place by her side as they sat against the wall.

May knew that, because the girl had asked some generic questions about the baby but she was only two years old and May was certain the girl wouldn’t really understand what was happening until the baby was born. 

"You know how I'm your big sister, Amycita? Well, you'll be a big sister, too, for the baby that is growing inside Mommy's belly. Mommy will feel tired and sick but that is normal, because growing a baby takes a lot of work, but it will be worth it."

"I in Mommy's belly, Cay Cay?"

"Yes, and you were so cute when you came out of Mommy's belly. You couldn't do a lot of things yourself yet so Mommy and I had to help you with a lot of things. I changed your diapers, you know." Amy chuckled so May guessed Daisy was pulling a face. "But you were so cute and it was so much fun to hold you and see your cute little laugh. And soon, you will be able to be a big sister, too."

"Of the baby?"

"Correct."

"I'm scared, Cay Cay."

"I understand. You don't need to be, but I understand. I was scared, too, still am sometimes. It's okay to feel that way. But I know you'll do great, because you will have  _ your _ big sister to help you through it."

"You be baby big sister?"

"Of course. We're siblings, you and the baby and me. But I'll always be your big sister, too. I can be a big sister twice."

"New room for baby?"

"And Mommy and Daddy will put baby stuff in there, like diapers and a crib and lots of baby toys. It'll feel like they're more busy with the baby… but they know that we're big girls and we can take care of ourselves. We can, can't we, Amycita?"

"Yes!"

"That's the spirit! Now, shall we go feel Mommy's belly? We might be able to feel the baby kick soon."

"Kick?"

"Yeah. The baby will kick in Mommy's belly."

"I kick-ed?"

"Oh yeah. You kept Mommy up a lot."

"Oh. Baby keep Mommy up?"

"Probably. But I doubt Mommy will mind. She loved it when you were kicking."

"I kick now, too!"

"It's not the same, young grasshopper. Hey, let's go back to Mommy and Daddy."

Amy waltzed out and into the corridor and May and Phil tried their best not to be too conspicuous. May didn't want Amy to eavesdrop either, but this had been an emergency. 

"Mommy, I want feel baby."

"The baby is quiet now, baby girl. Maybe tonight, the baby always loves to kick when we're watching TV. I promise I'll tell you when the baby is kicking."

"But wanna feel now."

"I know. But we'll have to wait a little bit. We can't tell the baby what to do."

"You tell me what do do."

May chuckled and rolled her eyes. The sass on this girl… she guided her towards the door to the nursery.

"Only because you don't listen to me all the time."

"That true," Amy admitted with a nod. Phil hung the sign on the door and he looked at May briefly. 

Yeah. Insane. It was all insane. She would be having a baby in a few months. She hadn't thought she would ever have kids at all and she would be bringing her count to three soon.

"It empty!" Amy proclaimed when she pushed the door open.

"Good observation, Ms. Coulson," Phil teased. "We'll be going to the baby store to get some baby things this afternoon. You can come with us, and we might let you choose a toy for the baby."

"Buy baby at baby store?"

"Unfortunately not. But you can buy baby stuff at the baby store. They also have some toys for big sisters."

"Okay I come."

May just had to smile when Phil picked up Amy, who was loudly laughing as he held her upside down. She felt the baby kick. She was about to tell Amy but didn't want to interrupt this magical moment.

She loved them so much. It was so much easier to see now, as though she had been wearing sunglasses permanently for the past few years and had seen everything darkened, clouded over. All of these people here, especially this baby in her belly, had helped her remove those glasses. 

Daisy reached out a hand and helped pull May up. Daisy's hand unconsciously drifted towards May's belly, but it was alright, because May couldn't stop herself from touching her bump, either.

~...~

Coulson loved getting settled into this house with his family. He had always longed for this happiness, Melinda as his wife by his side, kids to call their own, laughs and cuddles warming the otherwise chilly house. 

He had often lingered in the upstairs hallway, looking at the name signs on each of the doors. He had put Amy against the doorway and had drawn a single line right above her head. 

"Wha's that, Daddy?"

"So we can keep track of how big you're getting." She had giggled at that and had looked in awe as he emphasized the line a little to make it more visible and wrote her age above it. 

"I love my new room, Daddy."

"I'm happy you feel that way. I was afraid you wouldn't like the new house."

She shrugged. "I know, for baby. Baby big."

He smiled. "Not in the beginning, the baby will start out very small. Like this small, probably."

He indicated a size but realized he didn't really know how big newborns were, had never held them in his hands. All of the kids he knew, of his friends or coworkers, he'd met them way too late, because his work kept interfering. (Well, none of that this time around. He intended to meet this little baby and see them grow before him.)

Amy nodded in understanding and went on her merry way. He looked up the length of the doorway and realized Amy would continue growing and he would draw many more lines as she did.

He looked at the door on the other side of the hallway. Coulson loved looking at that door. Just that door alone made him feel butterflies in his stomach.  _ Baby's room _ . They didn't know a name yet, or a gender for that matter. He would change the sign once the baby was here.

He loved looking at Melinda's belly. It seemed only yesterday that he had found out she was pregnant and now her belly was so big she might burst soon, and she was only five months in. Now he really understood the stretch marks on her skin from the previous pregnancy.

He hadn't seen much of that pregnancy at all. Her belly had only just been showing and they could barely see their baby on an ultrasound. He'd had to make do with what he was given, and he had been lucky enough to feel Amelia's first kicks against his hand, because apparently it was quite uncommon for a baby to kick that early in a pregnancy. Baby Two showed proof to that thesis - it hadn't been until week 19 that he finally started to kick a little in Melinda's belly. 

Melinda said she could feel it was a boy. He felt like she was perhaps projecting some of her wishes onto that fact. She had admitted she really wanted a boy because then Coulson didn't have to feel so lonely with all these girls around. He really wouldn't mind, he loved his three girls, loved the constant chaos around him. He was aware that chaos wouldn’t really change, whether this baby was a boy or a girl. He simply liked having tea parties with Amelia and discussing boys with Daisy and braiding both of those girls' hair when they asked him to.

But, a boy would be nice. Perhaps they could call him Philip Junior. Coulson knew Melinda would hate that. He pushed the idea out of his head with a smile.

The fact that they didn't know the gender yet meant that they had to buy quite neutral baby items - Melinda had explained that Amy's first room had been mostly pink and so had her clothes and toys, but Melinda didn't want to go all blue on just this instinct. So, neutral colors it were.

Melinda visibly lit up while they were baby shopping. She kept lifting tiny socks and showing it to him with a big grin, all the while handling them with care. She probably remembered when Amy had been that tiny. He once again wished he could have been there then. He had trouble imagining what Amy would look and feel like when she had been just a baby, even if he had some pictures to show him. He had met the girl when she was already two and that was the tiniest he had seen her, if you didn’t count the early ultrasound where she had barely been recognizable as a baby.

She lingered around the crib area. The grin and glow she'd had all day disappeared and he inched closer to make sure she was okay. She looked at him before he could ask her about it.

"I need to sit down for a moment."

He nodded and offered her his hands while she lowered herself onto the nearest bench. Daisy had been successfully distracted by Amelia (shouldn’t it be the other way around?) and the two of them were playing in the kid's corner, Daisy on a tiny chair that forced her to almost put her knees in her neck.

"Hey."

She smiled at him and brushed his cheek, before burying her face in the crook of his neck. 

"Talk to me, Melinda."

"Amy's first crib was destroyed in the fire," she whispered. "I just… still remember seeing her standing there, terrified, even though she probably had no idea what was going on… neither did I. I still have nightmares about that, you know? I doubt I'll ever forget that."

He nodded and held her hand, stroking the top of it.

Melinda had explained to him that an investigation had been started into what exactly had caused the fire but it had hit a dead end and it had never been continued, and was now destined to rot away in a cold-case drawer. Same went for his return. The team had wrecked their brains for weeks, had checked surveillance footage from basically all around the world to see if his face had popped up anywhere around the world during his absence, but they had never gotten any match. He had died that day, and had only been spotted again in that dusty old apartment with the note with Sarah's details on it. He had no memories of the two years in between. Sarah had tried to get them out, Melinda had, too. Coulson had even convinced Yo-Yo to put him in the memory machine again to see if his subconscious still held some clues, but it was all pitch black. 

Nothing.

Just death… and then he had appeared in that apartment. Somebody had literally moved heaven and earth so that he could come back, and yet it was obvious they wanted to stay anonymous. He had to honor those wishes, he guessed. 

In any case, he was eternally grateful that he got a last chance on this planet. With the love of his life. 

"Phil? I think I might be ready to stop taking my antidepressants."

Coulson got instant flashbacks to the last time she was off her meds - bathtub, slit wrists, blood everywhere. No. She couldn't stop taking her medication. She would certainly die. 

"I feel a lot better now. I'm stronger than I've been before."

"I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why?"

More blood. Her in a coma for days on end. He had to take in a deep breath to stop himself from hyperventilating. Maybe now he would be the one with major mental health issues and Melinda would be just fine. Well, if that was the price, then sure, he would sacrifice himself. He would always give his own life if it meant Melinda was safe.

"I'll discuss it with Sarah." She could definitely tell that he wasn't doing well with this revelation. Her hand searched out his and they sat there for a while, in public of all places, hand in hand. 

"I'm so sorry for everything, Phil. I wish… I could take everything back. All of the bad things I told you… everything I did to hurt you… I know it was mostly my depression but I shouldn't have allowed it to hurt you. You, of all people. You have no idea how much you mean to me."

But he did. He had always known, that was what had frightened him so much. He had known how much he meant to her and she meant to him, and he had been such a coward, never speaking about it. Why had he never told her how he really felt? Would it have made a difference? He doubted it.

After all, he had told her he loved her on Tahiti and she still had slipped into a depression when he had died. He doubted telling her about his love for her ten years earlier would have made any discernible difference.

"I love you, too," he whispered, lifting her hand to his lips and kissing her skin.

"Do I need to worry about you, Phil?"

Did she? He didn't want her to, but he wouldn't be able to stop her if she did. He shook his head.

"I'll be fine.  _ We'll  _ be fine." He smiled and brushed her belly through her thick winter coat. He wouldn't be able to feel the baby kick if it did but it was alright. "Won't we, Junior?"

"Junior?" Melinda laughed, covering his hand gently. "When did you come up with baby names?"

"Didn't. Just popped into my head."

"Right." She just smiled when he kissed her gently, cupping her cheek with his free hand. Hmm. Kissing Melinda May like this was guaranteed to drive any negative thoughts away.

Especially when he realized that technically, she was Melinda May-Coulson. That fact still hadn't really landed either. She usually went by May, purely out of habit, but she never corrected anyone when they called her Mrs. Coulson. He hadn't expected her to actually take his name, so when he realized she had hyphenated both their names, it had surprised him. After all, she hadn't taken Andrew's name either, and Coulson still remembered her complaining about it when people asked her when she was going to change her name. If anyone was changing their name in that relationship, it was Mr. May.

Coulson wondered why  _ his _ last name was different. 

"Mommy! Daddy! I finded toy for baby!" Amy's enthusiastic screaming interrupted their silence but it was alright. The little girl was about to jump into Melinda's lap but Coulson was just in time saving her bump by pulling Amy into his own lap.

"Let me see this toy then," Coulson said, pulling her all the way against his chest so he could look over her shoulder. 

It was an adorable owl plushie, incredibly soft just by sight and probably roughly the same size as the baby would be around birth - he guessed, anyway. Couldn't be much bigger, there wasn't any space in Melinda's belly.

"That's a cute little owl," Melinda said, reaching out to inspect it. "I think the baby will be very happy with a plushie like this."

Amy smiled proudly at her parents and remained in Coulson's arms, even when he got up and they continued their walk around the store. She kept holding on to him and kissing his cheek from time to time, and saying nonsense things into his ear while Melinda talked about the right wood for a crib. (Well, Melinda was the one with experience on this matter. He would leave it to her.)

They left the store with everything they needed, from a crib to a playing cot, and they had decided to recycle most of the items they did have from Amy, her changing table would soon be unnecessary and they could still use her pram, provided they used the baby bassinet instead of the toddler seat.

Coulson couldn't really get rid of the butterflies in his stomach, not even if he tried. He loved shopping for baby items.

Turns out, he loved furnishing the nursery even more. Him and Daisy did most of the work, but he had seen that she was being extra careful. When they had taken a break, she explained that she had broken her arm the previous time while they had been painting Amy's nursery. She didn't want a repeat of that.

Amy was supposed to be helping them, too, but she was just a little two year old and she couldn't keep her attention with any given task for longer than five minutes. Melinda kept a close watch on her, entertaining Amy enough to keep her in the room, while still instructing Coulson and Daisy what to do. He knew multitasking wasn't really a thing, but Melinda still did it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can definitely see Daisy trying (and failing) to explain May's pregnancy to Amy and accidentally planting the idea that little baby is a pizza baby. In any case, it was fun to work with, lol.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your continued support! I feel like I'm not saying this enough but I couldn't have imagined people would actually read this piece, let alone enjoy it enough to continue reading it. Thanks so much!

Sarah had allowed May to get off her meds, which was a shock. She had wanted to offer it but had assumed it would be turned down, because she should not be ready and this was very dangerous.

"Keep an eye on yourself. Let Phil in. You'll be alright." Sarah always sounded so positive about May. How could she? May had a very bad track record with basically everything. 

She had wanted to go off them as soon as she had found out she was pregnant but she knew that the possible side effects the medication had to the baby were still better than her doing something completely stupid and possibly fatal. She didn't trust herself completely and she should.

She wasn't going to go cold turkey, though, because that would make everything worse, Sarah had warned. But still, May now received a lowered dose and she still noticed its effects.

Perhaps it was part of the pregnancy. She felt down and sad and realized that people would definitely use those words first to describe depression. (It was about so much more though, flowers don't smell the same way anymore, anything that might have sparked joy in the past no longer does the same thing.) She briefly thought of keeping this hidden from everybody but when she looked at her baby bump, her heart sped up.

No. She had to be there for this baby. Okay, so maybe the baby sharing in her antidepressants was not beneficial to his health, but he could still be happy, right? She had read the flyers, though. Fetuses whose mothers had been on antidepressants during their pregnancy are at higher risk for anxiety disorders and depression later on in life. It broke her heart that she would subject this little baby to all of that before he was even born. She didn't want him to be sad, but she would fight to be by his side and battle anything that came his way. At least he wouldn't be doing it alone.

Heck. Just her old age would have made it more likely for her baby to have birth defects. He didn't have Down syndrome, her OB had ruled that out a while ago. But the list didn't stop there. He could have autism, he could be blind, deaf, or both, his organs might not be fully developed-

Because of sudden anxiety attacks, May had returned to her normal dose within days. She had hardly slept with the nausea and anxiety that had pooled in her lower belly. 

Alright. She would rather her baby be depressed than motherless. She would always get the chance to try going off her meds again when her hormones weren't working against her.

Phil pushed her pills towards her with the standard glass of water. 

"It's alright," he whispered to her. "You're not failing just because you're back on your meds."

"He will be damaged."

"Maybe. But I know we won't love him any less for it. I know I won't."

She looked down at the table to avoid his eyes. They were so honest… he wasn't lying. He would love this baby with everything he had, no matter the trials and tribulations that they might be put under. Just like he loved Daisy. And just like he loved Amelia.

"Amy is the perfect example of a child with a disability who still enjoys life to its fullest. Look at her, Melinda," Phil urged quietly so he wouldn't disturb the little girl. She was starting to use her right hand more often now, after realizing that her left hand gave only problems. She was drawing with her tongue between her pressed lips and her left hand holding the paper down. "If this baby is anything like his big sister,  _ sisters _ , he will learn how to deal with his disability, if he has one. He will have a safe and loving environment to grow up in and that's really the most important thing we can give him. And anyway, it's already out of our hands. The bun is in the oven and now we have to wait until the program is done to see what it'll look like."

She almost rolled her eyes at his stupid attempts to get a laugh out of her. He didn't press further, because he knew better.

"I've thought of a name," she whispered. She hated whispering. Dammit. She had been doing so well but this whole medication fuss had seemingly set her back a couple of months. 

"Oh? I thought you didn't want to name him yet."

"That's because we don't even know if it'll be a boy yet. But… I really feel that it is a boy. And I don't want to name him without you. He's our baby."

"Okay, then tell me. What name did you have in mind?"

"Thomas. And he would have to have a Chinese middle name."

He smiled at the reference and held both her hands in his.

"I love it. Thomas." He looked down at her belly. "Any response?"

"We established it was just a coincidence that Amy kicked when we said her name."

"That's what you keep saying, but I beg to differ. She's a perfect Amelia if ever I've seen one, and she knew it." He kissed both her palms and then lowered himself to her belly. "So, Thomas. Tom? Tommy? Tomster? Listen up. Your Mommy is a bit anxious about everything but you and I both know that we'll be fine. Right?"

He put his hand on her belly and her heart warmed, like it always did. He was such a good father for their kids, and a good partner for her. 

"Thomas?" Phil whispered against her belly. She wasn't completely surprised when she felt the baby kick and Phil let out a cheer. May simply chuckled and let his quick kisses drown out any remaining anxiety she might still be feeling. "Amy! The baby is kicking!"

Amy dropped everything she was holding and ran over to them, crashing into Phil in her clumsiness. He grabbed her hand and put it against the spot where a tiny foot had just been.

Amy had felt the baby kick before but it had been weak ones. May could definitely tell that the baby was powering up now, but the joy and wonder on Amy's face distracted her from the discomfort.

"Baby! It's me, Amy!" She put her ear against May's belly and waited for something to happen. "Hey! Say something!"

"The baby can't say anything yet, baby girl, it's too young for that."

"When will baby talk, Mommy?"

"It will take a while. You didn't start talking until you were one."

"Boring."

Amy got up and continued her drawing. Phil looked at Melinda with raised eyebrows, then kissed her belly briefly. 

"I don't think you're boring, baby… you know, I almost wanted to say 'baby girl'." He smiled sheepishly. "Force of habit. Hmm… baby boy doesn't quite pack the same punch. I'll get back to that later."

May rolled her eyes. He was such a dork.

~...~

She was almost eight months pregnant now and she still sometimes had trouble believing that she was pregnant in the first place. Not that there was any way around it. She couldn't really do anything alone anymore and she had been at home for over a month now, because as stubborn as she could be, there was no way she could fit into a tiny cockpit with this belly. (Of course she had tried. It hadn't been a charming incident. She had gotten stuck in the captain's seat and Phil had had to come to Base because he was the only one she trusted with getting her out of that mess.) At the same time though, she wouldn't believe she was  _ still _ pregnant. She couldn't wait for this baby to come.

Now, she had some serious nesting to deal with. She wasn't even doing it on purpose, or even consciously. She often found herself being nudged towards the couch and the cleaning supplies she had been holding taken away. 

"Rest, for goodness sake, Melinda. You're eight months pregnant."

"No excuse for letting the house turn into a mess."

He looked around the living room. She knew the place looked practically flawless. Mostly thanks to her nesting instincts and Phil's instincts to keep her well-rested and safe. 

"I just want to look at the nursery one last time."

"And for the final time, I told you, the nursery is perfect. We have enough diapers, lotion, baby powder for the entire neighborhood. The crib is assembled and finished, his clothes are neatly folded, and, oh, what am I forgetting…? Ah, his plushie is safe inside the crib. There's no need to check up on the room."

She smiled at his sweetness but still defied him when she moved towards the nursery and opened the door. He followed suit. 

She never could help running her fingers along all the surfaces, the changing table, the dresser, his crib. She knew how tiny babies were, or at least, her first baby had been. She could barely remember now how tiny Amy had been, she was so big already. 

"When you first got back," she whispered, looking at Phil, her hand remaining on the edge of the crib, "and we started having sex again… I… was so scared of getting pregnant. I was certain it would make everything worse. But… I haven't really felt scared since finding out that I am carrying again. And… most of it is thanks to you. You have been so supportive of me, of us, of our baby. I admit, though… that I was more scared of your reaction to the news than mine. I wasn't sure if you would want to have a baby again."

He nodded.

"You did," she said, smiling now. "You so did."

He chuckled and grabbed her hand, kissing the top of it, then the palm, and he did that cheesy thing of kissing up her arm and ending up at her lips. It was dorky, and she loved it. 

"I can't wait for this little one to be here," he whispered with a big grin. "I've waited for him since forever."

"It's been eight months, Phil. Five, taking into consideration I was already ten weeks pregnant when I told you."

"Melinda May, I've always wanted to have kids, start a family. Especially with you. You have no idea how long I've waited for that. Now we have two amazing daughters and another little one on the way and I'm so excited, I'm so happy. I was so lucky when I met you that day at the Academy."

"Couldn't have imagined that we'd end up together eventually."

He giggled. "I was a nerd."

"You still are."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Now can I go back to nesting, please?"

He let go of her merely out of confusion. 

"To what now?"

"Nesting. Just Google it."

She opened the nearest drawer and took out the little rompers and shirts that she so loved to look at. She folded them again. And again. It was all she could do these days, because she couldn't go to work and she couldn't do much cleaning, so she battled her boredom with the nursery. Even though Phil hated that. He probably didn't hate it at all.

"Phil?"

"Hmm?"

He had sat down in the rocking chair from Amy's old room. He probably enjoyed watching her do this.

"I've never discussed my birth plan with you."

"I guess you haven't."

"Or my past one. Last time, I insisted on a natural birth, but there were so many complications, Amy would probably have died if I didn't have an emergency C-section. I didn't want to have one… I wanted to do it myself. But I… obviously, I wanted Amy to live. So in this birth plan… I don't really care how it's done, but Thomas has to live. Whatever the cost." She turned toward him. "Okay?"

"Okay? Melinda, why are you talking like that?"

"A C-section is not without risk, to neither me nor Thomas. I don't want your feelings for me to cloud your judgment. You need to do what needs to be done."

"Melinda, nothing bad will happen."

"You don't know that."

"I do. Because you're in very good hands. We picked the hospital together, remember? We picked it because it has a very good reputation in this field and they know what they're doing. I will be by your side every step of the way, and Daisy will be taking care of Amy. Everything will be fine. I promise."

"Don't! Don't promise!" She was hyperventilating now. She didn't like that on top of not feeling anything, her depression was now also throwing anxiety attacks at her. "You promised a lot and then you died! Phil, I basically died! I can't let Thomas die!"

She had expected him to wrap his arms around her and whisper into her ear that everything would be okay. But she also knew that wouldn't work.

He reached for her hand and made her sit down in the rocking chair. He crouched down beside her so that even when she was looking down at the ground, she could still see his face.

"I love you, Melinda. I love you more than anything or anyone I've ever known in my life. I won't lie and say I will put the safety of Tommy over yours, but I will try my utmost best so that it won't ever come to that. That is my promise."

She would prefer a lie right now. Him telling her that he would sacrifice her for the greater good, that he would let her die but let their kids live. But… she knew he would never do that. She wouldn't do that either if she was put in that position. But she would protect her kids above all else. She didn't want to sacrifice Phil, like he didn't want to sacrifice her, but if it came down to it…

Her kids were her future, her life, her everything. She'd be damned if she would ever let anyone hurt them.

He put something in her hand and she couldn't see through the tears. Her breathing was still off and she couldn't get it to go steady. When she focused on the soft, fluffy item she was holding, she realized it was the owl plushie they had purchased for this little baby. 

"Oh Phil… I'm so scared. I don't want to die."

"You won't, Melinda. You're strong and healthy."

"I'm old and depressed."

"You could still beat my ass." He feigned a gasp and covered the sides of her belly, as though he was covering someone's ears. "You didn't hear that, Tomster."

She covered her face with her hands and let the tears come. She was safe in his hands. He would do the right thing. She wasn't sure what that meant for her, but he had always had her back and he always knew what to do to move forward.

She had to trust that. She had to trust him. She couldn't let these months of building their trust be in vain. 

She wrapped her arms around him and the awkward angle made it so that both of them ended up sitting on the floor, arms around each other, foreheads touching or lips kissing.

Everything seemed more meaningful this time around. She hadn't felt this way in her last pregnancy, she hadn't really felt anything then, to be honest. Excited, yes, but mostly just numb.

"You'll be okay," Phil whispered. "I know you'll be okay. You've been through worse, haven't you?"

He wasn't wrong. She had survived losing two of her husbands, a suicide attempt, years in the field with people constantly trying to kill her. Surely, giving birth would be a piece of cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we went quite quickly suddenly in her pregnancy, but I couldn't be bothered writing more pregnancy stuff, lol.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this is it, y'all! Baby Tommy finally presents himself!

She had honestly forgotten about the pain. She had been stuck in a blur the last time, painkillers and grief and frustration making it impossible to see and experience much of what had been happening.

She wanted to be clear of mind now. At least, that had been the plan. 

It started innocently enough. Some pulling on her back that felt a little like period pain. It lasted for a few days so she didn't think much of it - after all, her body had been hurting ever since finding out she was pregnant, so this really wasn't anything bad.

The first contraction that really hurt had caused Phil to wake up, who had been peacefully asleep next to her, his arm draped over her. She had groaned even just a little and he heard it, because his senses were tuned in to her, to make sure she was safe.

"Mel?"

"It's, uh, nothing to worry about. It's early. Go back t-"

"Don't sell me that bullshit. Are you having contractions, Melinda?"

Well, there was no point in lying. He would get out the truth eventually. So she nodded.

"How long?"

"A while."

"Do we need to go?"

"No."

He nodded, kissed her lips and brushed her hair out of her face. She had expected him to panic and drag her to the hospital by her ear. Then again, he didn't sleep anymore after that, and neither did she. They both knew it was too early for the baby to come, she wasn't due for another two weeks.

Yet suddenly, in the next few hours, things went from bad to worse, and she was quickly feeling the pain all over her body, forcing the air out of her lungs. She would have doubled over if her belly wasn't in the way.

Phil got out of bed and reached for their clothes.

"Right, that's it. We're going, Melinda."

She didn't fight him. He was right. 

"Don't leave," she breathed as he guided her to the car. "Please stay."

He kissed her quickly but still left.

"I'm gonna get our stuff!"

He ran back into the house as another contraction hit May.

Okay. Okay. She could do this. She had done this before, and aside from Daisy, she had been alone back then. Now she had Phil to hold her hand, and Amy, Daisy and even this baby to look forward to. She could do this.

"I can't do it!"

She had just become a cheesy lady in labor, but the words had just escaped her without her being able to stop them. She saw no way out for all this pain, there was no way she was going to live through this. She got mad flashbacks to when she had given birth to Amy, and she had yelled for Phil half of the time. 

"Melinda, listen to me," Phil's calm voice appeared right next to her ear, and for a moment she thought she was still stuck in that flashback, before she realized that this was all real and he was really here. He would be here now to help deliver their second baby and third child and it calmed some of her nerves, made her head fall back against the pillows. "You need to stay calm and collected. I know it hurts, but you need your strength."

"You do it then!"

There was a brief moment of quiet where she looked into his eyes, before another contraction hit her and she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Oh god oh god oh GOD. How did women do this? How had she survived the last time? Right, she'd had to undergo a C-section so it was basically cheating. (Even though, if she could believe the experts, a C-section was actually tougher because of the recovery. She would take that pain over this any day.)

Another contraction. There was barely any space left to breathe in, to take a rest, prepare for the next. She was at the height of the contraction when she felt the angle of the bed changing and the distraction briefly moved the pain to the back of her head.

"Mr. Coulson, you can't do that!" one of the midwives exclaimed.

"I just did. She wants to sit up." May opened her eyes and saw Phil leaning against the bottom of the bed, his hands brushing her legs gently before wrapping his fingers around her lower legs and pulling her down a little, into position. She had no idea why he had done that but she had no time to think about it as the next contraction washed over her.

"Don't put too much pressure on your head," he whispered. She could barely hear him through her own screams but who was she kidding, she could always hear him loud and clear. "Put the pressure here."

His hand covered her lower belly and she pushed down there. Somehow, the angle had improved the pain slightly and it still gave her strength to push down.

Okay. Push, not blow your head up. On the next contraction, his hands held hers and he pulled her up slightly, leaning his forehead against hers, sweaty and all. She thought she couldn't scream any louder than she already had.

"Push, Melinda. It'll be over before you know it. We'll meet little Thomas. What do you think the odds are of the baby being a girl? We would be in trouble because we haven't discussed girl names."

She wanted to tell him to shut up but hearing his voice like that reassured her a lot. He let her rest against the bed between contractions and pulled her up with only his strength when she needed to push.

"You're doing really well, my love. We'll be home with our baby soon. Can you imagine it? I wonder who he will look like. Maybe this one will look more like me? But I hope he'll look like you. He'll be so beautiful, I have no doubt about it."

He was good at this. How was he so good at this? His words filled her with love and hope, made the pain a little more bearable. 

Then, he was pushed away by a midwife and immediately panic set in. No! She couldn't do this without Phil! She had lived without him for too long, she couldn't go back to that, ever!

Everything around her happened so fast and the painkillers were slowing her down a little - it was a great big blur and she remembered this from last time. She had to see this through. But not without-

"Phil!"

"I'm here, Melinda." He kissed her temple and she took in a deep breath. She felt her legs being lifted. "You have to push now. I'll stay by your side, I promise."

Okay. He would stay. With him here, she could do anything. And even though it felt like her entire body was on fire, being ripped open from the inside, she pushed and pushed until suddenly, the pressure was gone and she let out all the air she was holding in her lungs in relief. 

A newborn's cry followed suit and May saw stars, overcome with love, relief, happiness, her baby! Her baby was finally here! And all of them were still alive.

Phil unbuttoned her hospital gown while a midwife put the crying baby on her chest. "Congrats on your baby boy!"

Boy. Baby boy. May put her hands on this tiny baby and mostly zoned out after that. She saw her baby son and fell in love with him right there, on her chest, bloody, pink and crying but alive and well.

He was well, right? She hadn't been able to hold Amelia right after she was born.

"Is he okay?" she asked, unsure if someone would hear her because there were so many sounds around her and she had lost her voice somewhere in this process.

"He's a healthy little boy, Mrs. Coulson. We'll check him fully in a few minutes, but this contact will calm him down. It's not ea-" May wasn't listening anymore. She was straining her neck to see her baby properly and she was so in love with him, he was so perfect.

"He's so beautiful," Phil whispered, kissing the top of her head and looking at their boy together. "I love you so much."

"We did it," she croaked. Phil shook his head with a smile, tears running down his cheeks.

" _You_ did it."

She smiled and nodded and got lost in the sight of this beautiful little boy, that she had made (with a little help from Phil). 

"So, have you thought of a name for this little one yet?"

"Thomas Zhao."

The midwife nodded and asked if Phil wanted to join her to cut the umbilical cord and clean the baby. "No. I'm staying here." May's heart warmed at those words, he had promised after all, and she knew by now he would always keep a promise. But she had other plans for him.

May pushed him gently away. "You take care of Thomas, Phil. I'll be alright."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "You'll never get this moment back. Please watch our son."

She would clean up Thomas herself if she could, but she felt the adrenaline slowly seeping out of her and leaving her exhausted. She doubted she could stand on her legs unassisted, but that wasn't necessarily because of the adrenaline. 

He kissed her, whispered to her how proud he was and that he loved her, before picking up little Thomas from her chest and carefully handling him, got the attention of the midwives.

May watched him as he cut the cord, then he drifted out of her view. She could feel someone checking her up and it felt so useless, they should be focusing mostly on Thomas. She was strong enough.

"How are you feeling, Mrs. Coulson?" the doctor asked, looking at her with a kind face. 

"Exhausted."

"That's normal. You did just push a baby out of your vagina."

She had done it. She had no idea how. She had brought another baby into this world while the odds had been stacked way up high against her - her age and her depression, mainly.

Her depression. Man. That seemed far away now. She was on cloud nine, even if her two boys were far away, she couldn't help but feel love wash over her again, together with a plethora of other feelings and emotions. 

She was crying. She had probably been crying for hours now and she had hardly noticed.

"If you feel any pain that you're worried about, anything that feels odd, don't hesitate to let us know. We want you to be okay, too."

Phil returned not long after with Thomas mostly clean and wrapped up in a blue blanket. The baby boy fussed a little until he was put in May's arms again. Phil adjusted the bed but no one said anything about it this time. He sat down in the chair by her bedside but she stopped him just in time.

"Please…"

He seemed to understand what she meant, even if she hardly knew what she was trying to do or say. He carefully pushed her to the side a bit, he was so gentle with her, before slipping into the empty space beside her and wrapping his arms tightly around her.

She sighed in bliss. She could just fall asleep right here, with her husband and baby son close and safe. She had waited for this moment since finding out she was pregnant, but she had to admit, she hadn't thought she would carry this baby full term, let alone give birth to him and have him be this perfect.

A nurse showed up and looked at Phil with a raised eyebrow, before getting to the point. "Will you be breastfeeding, Mrs. Coulson?"

May nodded. 

"Then you can start right now. I think this little one must be hungry."

May nodded and the woman tried to give directions but May knew what she was doing, she had breastfed Amy, too, and Phil noticed. He thanked the nurse and dismissed her. 

Thomas was struggling a little to find her nipple and suck hard enough to draw some milk, but he got the hang of it eventually. Phil just stared with awe on his face.

"I love women."

May chuckled and looked up at him. "How come?"

"You just… pushed a baby out… and you're sitting here completely relaxed breastfeeding him. I always thought women were the superior sex."

"Just remember that when Amy is old enough to understand." Because no matter how strong Amy could be in the future, she would no doubt experience setbacks in life just because she was a girl. This little guy already had an advantage. 

He nodded and kissed her and she melted against him.

"Are you okay, though? That can't have been easy, are you in pain or anything?"

She was. But she knew it was normal. The sight of her husband and son so close and knowing that they were safe was enough to push the pain to the side. Just like it had during the birth.

"I'll be fine. Let's just… enjoy this moment for a while."

A little while later, Phil brought her some food and helped her shower and when she slipped into the hospital bed, even if it wasn't her own, she was still out like a light.

~...~

Daisy and Amy had showed up later that day, Amy holding the owl plushie and Daisy holding a paper bag, their hands entwined. 

Amy seemed to be scared by the sight of her mother in the hospital, last time hadn't been exactly pleasant for any of them. Daisy had prepared her a bit, it was obvious, but nothing could prepare her for the real thing.

Amy was all dolled up with bows in her hair and even a little bit of eyeshadow so May had an idea of what Amy and Daisy had been doing to entertain themselves. 

"Mommy?"

"Hey, baby girl. I'm so glad you're finally here. I missed you."

"You okay, Mommy?"

"I am now."

Amy smiled and didn't protest when Phil took off her coat and hoisted her onto the bed. He removed her shoes and then Amy dove into May's arms. May had just enough time to see that she was wearing a 'big sister' shirt - and Daisy was wearing a matching shirt. They were so cute.

"Be careful with Mommy, Amy," Phil warned. May shook it off. She would survive her baby daughter being a little rough with her, especially after that birth. They hugged tightly and Amy didn't seem to want to let go. May was totally fine with that. May buried her face in that big hairdo and she felt her strength return to her.

"Mommy I bringed Mr. Cuddles for the baby."

She raised the plushie and May smiled and kissed the top of Amy's head.

Daisy had been hunched over the plastic crib by May's bed because that had been the real reason they were all here, but eventually she came over and hugged May somewhat awkwardly, with Amy in the way and May still very sore everywhere.

"Hey." Daisy smiled and brushed a strand of hair out of May's face. "He's perfect."

"Isn't he just?"

Daisy handed her the paper bag and May was curious what she had gotten Thomas, considering they already had everything they could need for him.

It was chocolate. Quite a lot of it, too.

"Daisy?"

"You deserve it." And Daisy probably remembered May's chocolate cravings after Amy's birth. Although after all that work, the craving was bigger this time around. "Can I, uh, hold him?"

"Of course. Phil will-"

But Daisy was already disinfecting her hands and reaching into the crib and picking up the sleeping baby, who fussed a little at being disturbed but remained mostly asleep. May had almost forgotten that Daisy knew how to handle babies, had helped May intensely when Amy had been this small, and still helped out a lot. Daisy supported all the right places where Thomas was most vulnerable and carried him to a nearby chair to inspect him further. 

Thomas was perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, and so much hair on that little head it almost looked comical. May wondered briefly whether he might run into trouble mentally in the future, if otherwise he was perfect. She wouldn't believe that she had created a perfect baby, not after Amy who had a visible disability. But that was a future problem. Right now, she should enjoy this little miracle.

Amy was interested in the scene in front of her, her big sister with that tiny baby. Though not interested enough to want to go to Daisy, or perhaps she felt safer with her mother. 

"Do you want to hold him, Amycita?" Daisy asked, looking up at them. There were tears in her eyes but she didn't give it much attention, so neither would May. She knew this tactic - she had basically invented that move.

Amy looked up at May as though she was asking for permission, confirmation, whatever. May nodded gently with a smile and so did Amy, reaching out her tiny arms for the baby. Phil disinfected her hands, chuckling a little when Amy frowned at him.

"The baby can get very sick from our dirty hands. We have to be very careful and gentle around him."

"Okay, Daddy."

May adjusted Amy's arms while Daisy put Thomas in the girl's hold, and May's heart practically overflowed with love and adoration. God. She wouldn't have believed anyone if they had told her of this moment right here a decade ago. She would have laughed at them. 

She couldn't have kids. She'd never had kids with Andrew. And yet here they were, two of her own babies and her bonus child. She realized only now that perhaps Andrew and her had been looking in the wrong direction for their inability to conceive. Apparently, she was very fertile.

"Hey baby. Mommy, wha's the name?"

"Thomas."

"Okay. Hi Thomas. I'm Amy. Nice to meet you."

May melted at that, the girl was so sweet and somehow very polite though she had no idea where she got it from. She looked around and saw that Phil and Daisy had the same feelings as her.

"Baby girl, Mommy?"

May shook her head. Please don't let her fuss, or she might wake up Thomas.

"I'm sorry, baby. Thomas is a boy."

Amy looked at her baby brother and May would give anything to know what she was thinking at that moment. She was still young so she was probably not understanding everything, but she was really careful and it once again showed them how gentle and compassionate Amelia really was.

She seemed disappointed in finding out the gender of her baby sibling, but she didn't touch that subject anymore. And that showed how mature she was for her age.

Or perhaps Amy just knew how loved the little boy was, and she couldn't help but share in that.

Amy kissed Thomas' forehead and the boy responded with a cry, followed by more, and the girl looked up at May with a horrified expression.

"It's okay, baby girl. Babies cry, a lot."

"Is she hurt?"

"I don't think so. Maybe he's hungry." May had to get used to all the little baby signs again that would tell her why they were crying. She couldn't wait, even if it meant having to wake up multiple times a night. She couldn't imagine ever parting with this little guy, or his big sisters for that matter.

"Maybe we get MaDonals."

"You want to get McDonald's?"

"No, baby does. She just said."

May smiled and brushed Amy's cheek. "Thomas is too small to have McDonald's, Amy. Look, he doesn't have teeth yet." May gently pulled down Thomas' bottom lip to show Amy. "But if you want to get McDonald's, I'm sure we can do that. As soon as Thomas and Mommy get to go home, we'll have McDonald's."

"Yay!"

Amy looked down at her brother and whispered some things none of them could neither hear nor understand. May looked up at Daisy.

"So, how'd everything go?"

"Didn't need a C-section this time. But I nearly died."

"You're such a champ."

Phil seemed to agree wholeheartedly. 

"She nearly broke my hand, though," he chipped in.

"Yeah, I know the feeling. Still have the bruises to show for it."

May rolled her eyes. "Those are birthmarks, Daisy." They had already bickered about this, but she still loved doing it.

"Whatever. Felt weird not to be here, but I know you two would manage. You can do anything together."

May looked at Phil. It was the truth. As long as he stayed by her side, she was capable of anything. Fighting her depression, bearing a child, defeat angry aliens set out to kill all of humankind. 

"Mommy, Thomas telled he _really_ wants McDonald's."

Amy was such a cute little manipulator. Big sister Daisy took her out to the hospital's restaurant to get some ice cream, the best substitute. Phil held little Thomas in his arms while walking around the room, gently rocking him.

"Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"How come you're so good at this? Is there a secret family out there I should be worried about?"

He laughed but didn't answer for a while. It seemed like he was almost ashamed of it. She loved the sight of him pacing the room with their baby boy. 

"I read about… and I want to get the number right here, about a trillion books in preparation."

Of course he had. She had never seen the books, though.

"You and Daisy were so much more ahead of me on everything. When you told me about your birth plan… I had never really thought about that kind of preparation. So… one of my coworkers is a new mom and she was nice enough to share her books with me. I read them at work when business wasn't really exciting."

"You read books."

"And your birth plan. I was determined to let you have a vaginal birth unless a C-section was absolutely necessary. They were talking about it, you know. I had to tell them no. And you described pretty clearly which position you found most comfortable. They wouldn't allow you to be in it, so… I did it for you."

"Thank you." She had to take in a deep breath to keep the tears at bay, but of course there was no stopping them. "I couldn't have asked for a better partner."

"Hey, don't get all teary now. We've done well."

"I know. It's the baby."

"That excuse doesn't work the same way anymore."

She rolled her eyes and laid back in the bed. She closed her eyes. Man. She could do with a two week nap right now, but there were things to be done, diapers to be changed and mouths to be fed and beds to be made. She got tired just thinking about it.

"Shall I check if we can go?"

She nodded without second thought. She wanted to go home. Wrap up this beauty and carry him near her heart always. She had just carried him in her belly for nine months. Couldn't really expect her to part with him just yet.

He took care of everything. He strapped Thomas into his car seat while Daisy worked on Amy's, he supported May while she shuffled to the car. (In no universe would she allow anyone to put her in a wheelchair, depression or not.) He cleaned their house and changed the dirty diapers and got up to get Thomas if he was crying during the night, only to put him in May's tired arms so he could feed. 

He took care of Amy when she was cranky because her sleep was also being disturbed.

Truly. She couldn't do this without him. She wondered how she had survived last time and remembered then that Daisy had helped her with a lot, but Daisy had had her own life too, sort of, and she hadn't always been available. May had been a single mom with a good support but it hadn't been the same as a partner, an equal. 

Phil knew he was part of the reason they were losing sleep now, so he made up in his tireless efforts of keeping the household running. 

May was too tired to do anything. Luckily, Phil loved his new role with everything he had and he loved that little boy.

"I'm sorry I can't do more," she whispered while she lay inside his arms, breastfeeding Thomas.

"Are you kidding me? You gave me Thomas, and Amelia. I'll be serving you like this for the rest of my life to repay you."

She fell asleep before Thomas was well and truly done. She had faith Phil would take care of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And welcome to the Coulson family, little Thomas! You are already so loved! Also, if you thought that this would be the end of May's depression, obviously you were wrong. Still many things to come, but for now, we can bask in the birth of this little guy.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I missed an update, so sorry! I don't even have a valid reason, I was playing The Sims 4 all weekend long and I kind of lost track of time. It's Sunday already?  
> Anyway, I know this chapter is a bit on the shorter side but next one will hopefully compensate for that!  
> Also, fair warning, a lot of talk about breastfeeding in this chapter because what else would you expect? But if that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, this is your heads-up!

Amy was quite interested in this little baby, though May was also quite certain it wouldn't last long. Whenever May was breastfeeding, Amy would always be otherwise occupied, but eventually the moment came when May and Amy were watching TV together, Thomas safely in May's arms, and he let it be known that he was hungry.

Amy looked at Thomas with big eyes, quite surprised and shocked. May brushed her hair out of her face.

"Is he hurt?"

"No, he's definitely hungry."

"I make a sandich, Mommy?"

May chuckled and shook her head. "He can't chew, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."

May gathered Thomas properly in her arms and lowered her shirt, positioning him so he could suck contently, which he did instantly. May made sure he was okay before looking at Amy. May chuckled at the girl's face. 

"This is how babies eat."

"He eats your boobie, Mommy?"

"No, silly. He drinks milk. He doesn't really need to eat, milk is enough."

"Your boobie has milk?"

"Yes. I think it's very tasty because you loved it too, when you were a baby. It has all the right things in it a baby needs to grow. Like… making a smoothie, but then with the taste of milk."

"I think I like that. Can I try?"

"It's only reserved for Tommy, unfortunately. If I give away too much, he might not have enough to eat. You have teeth, you can eat spinach and Brussels sprouts-"

"BLEH!"

"-but Tommy can't eat all those things."

"He only drink milk?"

May nodded. She brushed Amy's hair again. May would almost forget Tommy was still in her arms. Amy was a good distraction at the worst of times.

"I don think I like that. I like pizza."

May chuckled and Amy smiled, brushing her hand through May's hair now. Amy occasionally looked down at her mother’s chest, then at her own, and May would give anything to know what was going on in that little head of hers.

"I get boobies, Mommy?"

"Yes, but it will take a while." Hopefully, a  _ long _ time. It was way too early to be thinking about her baby daughter growing breasts.

"Tommy get boobies?"

"No, he's a boy."

"Oh. So Daddy don't have boobies."

"Correct, Daddy is also a boy."

"Okay."

May let the information sink in, because at Amy's age, anything could be as important as the contents of the Constitution. Amy kissed Thomas' tiny feet. May knew Amy wasn't in love with this little boy as much as her parents were, but May understood. She was used to being the only kid and now she had to share her Mom and Dad with this whiny, minuscule baby with one too many poopy diapers and who was, aside from the crying, otherwise very boring because he slept all day.

"Can I help, Mommy?"

"Actually, yes. You can rub his little feet so he stays awake."

"But he should be asleep?"

"Normally, yes. But I want him to be full before he sleeps again, otherwise he'll wake up too soon."

"Don't want that," Amy agreed, nodding seriously. She took her task very seriously, too, looking at the little baby feet but also maintaining her curiosity for the breastfeeding visual she got. May wasn't ashamed of it, though some would say she should be. It was a natural part of life, and honestly, she had been through too much in her life to worry about people seeing her naked breasts. They were just that. Breasts. Baby feeders.

Daisy walked into the room and stopped briefly when she saw them.

"It's becoming increasingly normal, to be honest. Didn't think I would say that when I first met you."

"It should be. It's normal."

"Daisy, do you have boobies?"

Daisy frowned as May chuckled. Daisy blushed a little when she nodded. The young adult was far from prudish but something must have caused her to feel this way.

"All girls have boobies, Mommy?"

"Most of them. Boobies come in all different shapes and sizes so sometimes it's a bit difficult to see if someone has boobies. And sometimes, a boy doesn't feel like a boy but a girl, so then he won't have boobies, either."

"When I get boobies?"

Daisy's face got redder with each passing second. May was surprised a bit - again, Daisy wasn't prudish, was only slightly revolted by the idea of May and Phil still having sex, but was otherwise far from shy.

"It depends."

"How old were you?" May asked, truly curious now. Leave it up to this three year old to start interesting conversations. 

"I was ten, I think. First period at eleven. I should have been surprised but in the all-girl orphanage, nothing surprised me anymore. Although, I still thought I was dying." Daisy sighed. "Would have been better with a mom around."

May wished she could have been there for Daisy then, even though she had no idea what she would have said or done to help. Thinking back to her own experiences, even with the mother she'd had, just explaining about your own experiences was enough, proof that it wasn't weird and that she wasn't alone. (And that she was not, in fact, dying. May found it hilarious but also troubling how many girls and women she knew of who’d just had their first period and thought that they were dying.)

"You have Mommy now, Cay Cay!" Amy butted back into the conversation. May doubted the girl knew what was being discussed. 

"Yes, I do. Thank God." Daisy looked at May. "How 'bout you?"

"I was quite late. Fourteen I guess." May hoped that Amy would start puberty late, too, would get to enjoy her childhood for a long time. Periods lasted longer than absolutely necessary as it was - although May's continued - and miraculous - fertility had given her Amy and Thomas in the first place. (She didn't want Amy to have babies late in life, because it was not good for an old body, and she knew from experience. Tommy got a bit of a pass on that, because, well, no ovaries… also, May added rather selfishly, she would like to experience having grandchildren, knowing of Daisy's reluctance to have kids.)

"Can you buy boobies?" Amy asked, subject changed.

Daisy laughed and dropped her bag next to the couch. She looked at Thomas, judging whether she should help with the burping but May shook her head faintly. They had practice with this. Never expected to ever use it again.

"Sure can. Sometimes, someone doesn't like the size of their boobs so they might buy bigger ones, or smaller ones."

"Does that mean, we can buy boobies for Daddy?"

"We could. But I don't think he would want that."

"Daddy doesn't like boobies?"

Daisy was blushing furiously now and the sight was hilarious, as the young woman gave May a side eye warning her not to say anything else embarrassing. 

Well, Phil liked ‘boobies’, alright, but not like that…

Thomas pulled away and May acted on instinct, straightening her shirt first before carefully placing him against her shoulder and rubbing his back.

"Is he finished?"

"Yep. And he usually burps afterwards."

Amy giggled and looked at her baby brother in anticipation. Fair enough, he burped and Amy laughed, in that cute little way that she always did when she had done something, usually with her sister, she knew she wasn't supposed to do. When he fell asleep straight after, Amy shamelessly followed Daisy into her room, still talking about boobies. 

"Your big sister will be fine," May whispered, "she's just getting used to you, is all."

Phil came home not much later, and she wasn't ashamed to still be on the couch, not having done anything productive. At least Thomas was asleep.

"Monkey! That's it!"

May frowned at Phil. He kissed her and smiled, kissing the top of Thomas' head, too.

"A nickname. I still hadn't thought of one. He holds onto you like a little monkey. Ergo, monkey. Also, it honors his godfather."

May rolled her eyes and didn't protest when Phil took Thomas from her, doing his own adorable little greetings. 

May so enjoyed the sight of Phil with his beloved baby son. She was proud that she could have been the one giving him children, a lovely pair, boy and girl. Not to mention Daisy, even though she shared no DNA with them, she was still their daughter. Phil had given May that gift - Amelia and Thomas were their kids mostly thanks to May, but Daisy was theirs because of him. If he hadn't loved that shy, innocent little Skye, they wouldn't be here right now.

"Daddyyyyy!" Amy exclaimed as she exited Daisy's room. Phil gave her a sign she should be a little quieter because of Thomas sleeping, but he still lowered himself to his knees and allowed Amy to wrap her arms around his neck, after which he seemingly effortlessly lifted both babies when he stood.

"Daddy, I'll get boobies."

Amy had no idea that Phil would, in his turn, have no idea what they had been talking about. He was good at adapting, however, so he switched gears pretty quickly.

Although, he looked at May with a frown and she chuckled, shrugging. 

"That's right, because you're a girl."

"Mommy says I can buy boobies. I'll buy boobies for you, Daddy."

"Oh, that's okay, baby girl. I don't need them."

"But Tommy needs milk!"

"He does, but Mommy's milk is more than enough for him."

"Oh. But Daddy? What if a baby has two Mommies?"

Phil smiled at May - Amy was so aware of the world she was growing up in, and she was so accepting of everything around her. Perhaps Amy would be a little adversary for diversity and tolerance. (Secretly, May was scared both of her kids would come across racists in their lives, because of them being Asian. May hoped she could prepare them for those moments. She had even indirectly fought off one of Daisy’s teachers when the young woman had let it seep through in their talks that the teacher was kind of being a racist - Daisy didn’t have to know. She had, however, commented that his behavior had changed, for some  _ miraculous reason. _ )

"One of the Mommies will be pregnant with the baby and will also give the baby milk."

"Can Daisy give Tommy milk?"

"No, because Tommy wasn't in Daisy's belly."

"So only Mommy Mommies can give milk."

"That's correct."

"I don't think I wanna be Mommy," Amy admitted out of nowhere. Phil nodded and kissed her cheek. Better to not pay too much attention to it.

"That's okay. Neither does Daisy."

Amy seemed to be properly reassured by that and nodded her head into the crook of Phil's neck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, yeah, Amy would be so tolerant because her parents are, too. They don't even need to tell her to be inclusive because she'll be that on default, but anyway, enough with the Mary Sue. Amy will be acting up a little more starting from next chapter. (I guess she just doesn't like sharing the spotlight and her parents' attention with her baby brother, after all.)


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aight y'all, in my head this chapter was longer but it's actually not that long. Oops. Better luck next time!

Coulson made sure that Melinda took good care of herself because during the first week he could already tell she wouldn't do that on her own. He made sure she was in bed on time and that she took her medication and that she took long, warm baths to relax. Of course she didn't accept it, but he didn't give her a choice in the matter. 

In the second week, he realized she was cooped up in the house too much. She never left the house anymore because he did all the grocery shopping. She wasn't complaining, but she was never one to complain.

"Let's go outside, Melinda."

She frowned at him. She was cuddling with Thomas on the couch, the boy fussing a little, even while on her chest. He knew there was probably no way in hell he would be able to convince her to go out, but he had to try. Some fresh air would be good for her, and Thomas. "Why?"

"Some fresh air will do you well."

"I could just open a window."

He rolled his eyes. She was so frustrating sometimes. "Melinda, you haven't been outside since we came home from the hospital. It's been two weeks. Just join me for a walk. I know you want to say yes."

"Tom won't calm down, though."

"Tom also wants to go out."

"That works for Amy but not for you."

He smiled and sat down beside her, lifting one of Thomas' little hands and swinging it carefully around. "Mommy, I want to go outside, please say yes to Daddy."

She chuckled and his heart swelled and even little Thomas loved to feel the vibrations of her laughs. Coulson couldn't help but kiss her briefly, enjoying how she wasn't pulling away from him in the slightest.

"Alright. You get dressed, I'll prepare the pram."

"I didn't say yes."

"Don't need to."

"Phiiiiil," she whined. Coulson saw the resemblance between her and their toddler daughter.

"Melindaaaaa," he mimicked her whiny voice. "Come on. Sarah will be glad to know that you've gone outside."

He reached for Thomas who squirmed when he was lifted from his safe spot on his mother's chest. The squirming turned into crying and Melinda was already sitting up to calm down Thomas, but Coulson applied all of the tricks he knew to calm down the little guy and it worked mostly.

He kissed Thomas' head and the boy shut up.

"Get dressed, Melinda."

She groaned but her verbal protests stopped. While Coulson was installing Thomas into the pram, not able to stop kissing him every once in a while, he noticed tiny feet circling him.

"What's up, Amy?"

"Where you going, Daddy?"

"Mommy and I are going to go for a walk. You want to join us?"

Amy thought it over for a moment. She looked at her toys behind her, both options probably very tempting. 

Amy was struggling with the arrival of her baby brother. It was obvious in everything. All of them had prepared her that Thomas would consume most of their time and energy but the little girl was still only three and she had always been the baby in the family. She didn't like sharing that spotlight with her brother. Coulson tried his best to give both of them equal attention but it was tough sometimes, especially considering Amy could fare well on her own, but Thomas obviously couldn't. Amy was potty trained now, she often prepared her own sandwiches (even if neither Melinda nor himself liked the idea of her handling a knife, even if it was a butter knife and she couldn't really hurt herself with it). She pretended she could read books but had stopped that when Thomas had been born, because bedtime stories were just another important moment for her where she got undivided attention. 

Daisy had been a support for Amy these few days, especially considering she was just starting her second year of school and it was a slow start. But obviously, the attention of her big sister was by no means the same as that of her parents.

"You don't have to if you don't want to."

"Daddy…"

Coulson could tell this was bothering her but she couldn't explain properly what she was feeling. He made sure Thomas was secure before lowering himself to Amy's level.

"What's wrong, baby girl?"

"You don't love me."

Her words shocked him so much he was at a loss for words for a long time. He had read about this in one of those parenting books. Kids would try to test your love and limits and manipulate you, but this wasn't any of that, and she was barely three. He hadn't expected to have conversations like this until she was at least six, hopefully. Perhaps some of Melinda's anxieties had transferred themselves onto Amy.

"Of course I love you, baby girl. I always will. Why would you think I don't?"

"'Cuz you're always with Tommy."

"That is true. I love him, too. I'm sorry that you think I don't love you just because I'm with him. He needs a lot of help with everything, and lots of time. He doesn't understand everything around him as well as you do. I didn't pay more attention to you because you're a big girl and I thought you would be able to handle it." But obviously, he was wrong. "Hey, tell you what. When we're back from our walk, you and I can do something fun together while Mommy and Thomas sleep. Does that sound okay? And you can pick what we'll do."

She nodded with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Come here, baby girl." He pulled her close and wrapped her up in his arms. Man. He hadn't realized how tough it could be to have two young kids, mainly because at some point, one of them would be bound to feel left out. He hated the fact that he had given Amy the idea that they didn't love her as much as they loved Thomas, but obviously he could understand why she would feel that way.

"We can do anything, Daddy?"

"Anything you want. It's your Special Time."

She nodded and her tears were already stopping. He brushed them off her cheeks and brushed her hair.

"I wuv you, baby girl."

"No Daddy. Only Mommy can say that."

He chuckled and shrugged in defeat. "Okay, Amy. I love you."

"I love you too, Daddy."

"Can I get a kiss?"

Amy smiled, tears definitely forgotten now, and planted a long, smacking kiss on his cheek. He smiled in bliss and she chuckled at him, just as Melinda entered the room. She was still very much reluctant but Coulson would show her how good this would be.

"Hey Mom. Amy is coming with us."

Melinda lit up and kissed the girl on the cheek. "That should be fun!"

"Mommy, Daddy and I have Special Time when we home!"

"Special Time, huh? That sounds fun."

Melinda looked at him with a puzzled expression but he just shrugged it off. Melinda checked on the sleeping baby in the pram and it was apparent she was fighting the urge to straighten Thomas' clothes and perhaps even add a layer. Coulson knew how baby clothes worked. They wore about the same amount of layers as they did, otherwise they would be uncomfortable. 

"Amy, let's put on your coat then."

Melinda was about to get Amy's coat when the girl jumped up and got it herself. "I can do it, Mommy. I'm a big girl."

"I know you are, baby girl. I'm so proud of you."

When all coats were on and Daisy was informed they were leaving, Coulson grabbed Amy underneath her arms and hoisted her onto his shoulders. It would hurt later, but she loved it. 

He definitely needed to have a talk with Melinda.

~...~

Amy's mood had improved from the walk, even if it was short because both Thomas and Melinda started fussing a little. (She would kill him if she heard him think like that about her. He found it was very apt. He also knew it would take a while until she had her strength back and her body didn't hurt with every step she took.)

Coulson took Thomas from Melinda who protested again. "Sleep. I'll take care of him."

Thomas was already asleep anyway. Melinda kissed him and shuffled off to bed. 

It felt a little odd to still see her like this, but knowing it was for mostly different reasons. After he had just gotten back, she had spent most of her days indoors in bed. He had found it hard to find a way to get her out of bed because he had known from the start that staying there wouldn't be beneficial to her health. But especially now, with the aftereffects of the birth still very much apparent, he knew more than ever that she should get up and move and go about daily life, because it would help with the physical trauma.

"Just be good for Mommy, okay, Tommy? We'll make her feel better together with your big sisters." Thomas stirred in his sleep. Stupid Coulson. There was no reasoning with a newborn.

Coulson asked Daisy to keep an eye on the baby monitor for a while, and she frowned at him.

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere. I'm going to have some quality time with Amy because she doesn't think we love her anymore."

Daisy's face fell and her mouth fell open. "Oh my god…"

"Yeah. So I don't want any interruptions until something is on fire or something."

"Wrong example there." Somehow, the fire was still fresh in these women's heads despite it having happened almost two years ago. Then again he knew how much of an impact something like that could have on a person. Melinda still didn't like to have candles in the house, and she always stressed that the stove should be turned off properly. Daisy had made sure when they had visited the house that all the windows opened properly. Amy seemed to be least affected, but she had still been just a baby.

"Right. Sorry. Thank youuuu."

Amy was drawing when he entered the living room and he just looked at that sight for a while. She was growing up so fast, even if he hadn't seen her as a baby he could see how much she'd grown. She was making full sentences now, mostly, and he still remembered that when he'd met her for the first time, he could hardly understand what she was saying. She could be talking gibberish, just 'usbfiejwjsnsidj' and Melinda would be like, 'she wants some milk'.

But he understood his toddler daughter now. It had taken him long enough. He was determined to make her feel special this afternoon because she felt left out and she should never feel like that, she was so important in their family. Everybody was.

"So, baby girl, have you thought about what you want to do during Special Time?"

She looked up and smiled when she saw him.

"Daddy! I wanna bake a cake for Mommy!"

"That's a great idea, Amy! We'll have to go to the store to get some material but we can definitely do that."

Coulson knew Special Time was for the kid, meant to bond with their parent and truly feel accepted and heard. But it worked for him, too, because he didn't get a lot of time to spend with her, either, and he loved seeing how bubbly and happy she was. 

She told him more about her feelings while they were baking and he appreciated this insight into her head. He knew she didn't have the proper vocabulary to fully explain her feelings but he knew now that she was struggling with the new baby and that he needed to give her more attention, which she fully deserved.

"I love Tommy, Daddy."

"I know you do, Amy. He's your brother, after all. It's normal to feel a little jealous of a younger brother or sister. Daisy feels the same way sometimes too, I know she does. But Tommy's your brother and he will know you'll always love him. That's what siblings are for."

"He's really cute, right, Daddy?"

Coulson smiled. "He really is. He looks a lot like Mommy. Just like you."

"I love Mommy, Daddy. I hope Mommy will feel better."

"I know she will, Amy. Don't worry about it. Mommy is very strong, she's just tired because of the birth. We'll have to do more walks with Mommy and Thomas in the future, it's good for both of them."

Amy agreed, while somehow managing to get a lot of flour on her. He put her on the counter, brushed the flour off her face and finished their cake before putting it in the oven. Amy climbed down and put her face against the glass, looking at the cake.

"Is it ready yet?"

Coulson shook his head, crouching down beside her. "No, it will take a while. We can watch TV while it's in the oven."

Amy smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck and he lifted her, joints creaking but it didn't matter. They ended up cuddling on the couch.

"I love Special Time, Daddy."

"Me too."

"Can we do it again?"

"Of course, baby girl. Whenever I have time, we'll have Special Time together."

She sighed in bliss and disappeared completely underneath his arms.

Just like her mother. 


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a bit longer than usual, again. I have not been in the right mindset to upload anything for this story, even though that's hardly an excuse seeing as all of this content was written months ago, but still. I just finished a series of four nightshifts and I'm absolutely exhausted, mentally mostly, but I realized, y'all deserve a new chapter because y'all have been nothing but sweet and kind and supportive and voila, there you go. A lot of days this week have been 'this might as well happen' days, so I wanted to add some more hope into my life? Idk tho.  
> (Also, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just need to work one more shift and then I'll be on a break for like 1,5 weeks so I can recover, lol. Nightshifts are shit.)

A few weeks passed before she scheduled her first appointment with Sarah. May had been truly occupied with Thomas, caught in the perfect dream of her newborn son, and also Amy's third birthday, but when she had woken up to both the sight of Thomas in Phil's arms and her pills together with breakfast in bed, she realized she was really in no way finished with this gruelling process. 

Although it hurt so much to part from Thomas. She hadn't been apart from him since his birth, she wasn't supposed to come back to work for another week or two. She was legit crying when she put on her coat to leave for Sarah's office. Thomas was crying, too. He sensed somehow that he would have to do without her for the duration of her session.

Phil held him in his arms, shushing, kissing Thomas' head, bouncing him gently. "It'll be okay, little monkey. Mommy will be back soon."

May had to kiss Phil quickly and turn around without further attention to Thomas. She wouldn't leave if she kissed him, too.

"Congrats on your little boy," Sarah started immediately, her hand on May's upper arm. They had to maintain boundaries, as doctor and patient, but it was obvious that Sarah cared.

"Thanks." It wasn't really a very good idea to think about Thomas right now. She would run back home on her bare feet right now to get to him, even if he was many miles away. Sarah seemed to notice and didn't ask about him for a while.

"So, how have you been?"

"Exhausted."

"I can imagine."

"But happy. I know I've said this before. But I feel happy. I feel like I'm at the happiest point in my life but… when I'm alone, it all just washes over me again. I shouldn't feel like this anymore, that's what it feels like anyway. I mean, Phil is back. I have a newborn son, I love him so much. I have Amy and Daisy. I don't need to feel like this… right?"

"There's no right or wrong feeling in this situation, Melinda. You feel how you feel. Have you been taking your medication?"

May nodded. She had been on the verge of stopping them but had always remembered how she had felt during her pregnancy when she had been off them. She needed help stopping her medication, and only when she was truly ready.

"Good. I'm glad you're doing well, Melinda."

May nodded. 

"Well, we haven't seen each other in a while so I would like to just get to know each other again. Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?"

"When can I get off my meds?"

Sarah nodded with a faint smile. "I knew that question wasn't far away. Considering your previous… relapse, I don't want to stop the medication too soon this time around. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I want you to stay on them for another couple of months. See how you're feeling then."

"But I'm feeling good now."

"Great! Then I have faith you'll feel that way too later on."

"But I'm breastfeeding Tommy."

"Which is not a problem. Exposure to antidepressants through nursing is very low, almost negligible. I understand your worries but Thomas will be just fine. He'll still need your milk, and he'll need his Mommy. Keep taking your medication, Melinda. I promise we'll work on it, but at a later date."

May wanted to argue more but she knew Sarah would only want what's best for her. May didn't want to expose her baby to her medication, just the pregnancy was bad enough, but he had been born a healthy little boy despite the antidepressants. Her pregnancy had been the real worry, because he might have birth defects, but that worry now appeared to be wrong.

"What's he like?" Sarah asked her, changing the subject at hand. Sarah had no children of her own, didn't have any wishes for that, either, but she was still interested in May's kids, to some extent. Perhaps Sarah got another good look into May's head through her kids, because they were what kept her heart beating, despite all that had happened.

"He's so cute. I love finding out what kind of baby he is. He starts laughing more and more, opening his beautiful eyes… they're blue, too, you know? I know they might still change, he's a baby. Amy's eyes changed into brown, but I can see the blue in them. They're so beautiful."

She noticed a tear rolling down her cheek and sighed, brushing it off.

"I miss him. All of them, but especially Tommy. I feel… like I might miss another milestone if I'm not around. But he's with Phil, so I know… they'll be fine."

"How's your trust in Phil been?"

May nodded. "It's good. Ever since Tommy's born, he… he's really sweet. He has helped me out anywhere he can."

"I can sense a but."

"No. No but. I didn't know how he would be dealing with everything, but he's been amazing. I feel ashamed for not expecting it. He's been great with Amy, too."

"A new baby is strange for everyone involved, even if it isn't your first." Sarah paused. "Technically, it's Phil's first baby. He met Amelia when she was already a toddler. He hasn't experienced the joy of a newborn yet."

May remembered when she'd just had Amy, and she had been living inside this pink blur for weeks, only focused on her baby. Much the same was happening this time around, but some of it was a bit clouded by her antidepressants and her (natural) worries about Thomas. 

Phil had been so in awe of baby Thomas. May had seen him caress those little hands and feet when he thought she wasn't looking, marvel at how tiny but perfect that little boy was. She loved seeing how Phil loved him. She was proud she had enabled him to experience this.

"He read books about the birth," May deadpanned.

That made Sarah smile brightly and she even chuckled. "Of course he did, the dork."

He was such a dork. But he was May's dork, and she would never let him go.

She came home to find Phil, Amy and Thomas on the couch, all three of them asleep, the littlest one on Phil's chest and the eldest cuddled up to him. She shamelessly took a picture, for future use. Then she covered them with a blanket and kissed all of them on their cheeks, and Phil on his lips for good measure. He stirred and his eyes opened. He was still practically asleep.

"Hey," she whispered. "You can go back to sleep."

He nodded and closed his eyes again. 

The simple life. A quiet life. May loved it. She didn't realize she had been fighting for this all her life.

~...~

A few weeks in May realized they were probably spoiling Amy a bit too much. The girl was feeling left out, and Phil had revealed that to a crying May, after which they had made the promise not to let her feel that way again.

But now, she was spoiled. It had been just a couple of weeks, but it had (hopefully temporarily) ruined the good behavior of this little rascal.

"Mommy!" Amy whined. "I want icecream NOOOOOW!"

"Amelia, stop yelling." May didn't pay much attention to this kind of bratty behavior. Amy should know that she wouldn't get the attention she wanted by throwing a tantrum.

Amy threw herself onto the ground dramatically and hit the floor beneath her. She cried and screamed for a few minutes while May changed Thomas' diaper. The boy was looking at his big sister with big eyes - he hadn't really seen her act this way. May blew a raspberry on Tommy's stomach and he refocused on her, giggling and reaching for her with his tiny hands. She kissed the top of one.

May suddenly felt a kick against her leg and was frozen for a few seconds. Then, she saw a small hand reach for Tommy and May was just in time to stop Amy from hitting her baby brother.

"Amelia Ju Coulson, you do not hit people."

Amy hit May's hip.

"Amelia, if you keep hitting, you'll go in time-out."

Amy yelled in May's face with angry tears in her eyes and May realized immediately that no amount of reasoning would help with this tantrum. So she held onto Amy's wrist tightly without hurting her and directed her to the brand new naughty step.

"Not the naughty step!"

"Amelia, you're on the naughty step because you kicked me, and I will not tolerate that kind of behavior. I will come back in three minutes."

"I hate you, Mommy!"

May's heart broke and she almost gasped but gathered herself and left, taking in deep breaths when she was in the nursery. Amy didn't really hate her… did she? Couldn't possibly. May had always been supportive of her daughter, had given her whatever she wanted within reason, and had hugged her when she had felt sad.

Amy didn't make time-out easy. She kept running back into the nursery and May eventually worried for Thomas, because he was inquisitive and would no doubt start moving around his changing mat. May couldn't stop putting Amy on time out, not until she had finished her three minutes. 

Daisy's door opened and her head poked around the corner. 

"Everything alright, Mel?"

"Could you watch Thomas for a few minutes, Daisy?" May asked, her voice audibly an octave higher, her heart beating frantically in her chest. She wanted to finish this, especially because she wanted a well behaved child, but Amy was making it very difficult with her screaming and mean words.

Daisy nodded and went into the nursery immediately, no further questions asked. May appreciated that about Daisy - true military style. 

"MOMMY STOP!"

May didn't respond, just put Amy back on the step. Reset the alarm. Focused on something else.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Amy, please stop. Please. I love you and I want to hug you and brush your tears away but I can't do it while you're being such a brat.

Amy didn't go down without a fight. It was a battle of wits but May would come out as victor at the end. May wondered if she was failing her baby girl, because obviously she was feeling jealous and left out but even their attempts at giving her their undivided attention didn't work.

Amy gave in eventually. May's heart was numb by that point. She put her head against the wall out of Amy's view while still hearing the girl cry. She remained put until the alarm went off and May had to rub the tears off her own face before returning to Amy.

"You were in time-out because you kicked me."

"I'm sorry, Mommy."

"Thank you."

Amy practically threw herself into May's arms and cried a little more there. May would want nothing more than to just sit there with her baby and hold her close to her heart, but Amy would probably soon lose interest and play with her toys, this whole time-out forgotten. 

"I love you, Mommy."

May let these words replace that other one. She knew Amy loved her. It was just a punch to the gut to hear Amy say that she hated her. 

May still kept replaying those words for the rest of the day.

~...~

"I'm overwhelmed, I'm exhausted," May admitted in her next session with Sarah. "I know it's normal. I have two young kids. But… I have trouble prioritizing. I know logically, Tommy needs most of my attention because he can't do anything by himself, but Amy is still too young to believe that I can properly divide my attention. I'm having trouble believing it, too. Phil and I haven't been intimate since… Tommy was born, my god, and Daisy is completely in the background because she's extremely independent and won't tell me if she's not okay. I guess she gets that from me… I want to give everyone my full attention. But…"

"That's not possible," Sarah finished that thought, nodding. She folded her hands on her crossed knees. "Of course, I can't really speak for Phil nor Daisy, but I doubt that they mind. I'm sure they understand."

May knew that, too. She knew they would understand, but they didn't have to accept it. She was important in all of their lives, just as they were important in hers. And anyway, as the mother of the family, she should be able to give everyone equal attention.

"I don't know what to do."

"Melinda, children only need a little bit. I know you watch her favorite shows with her, and spend time together. That's enough for her."

"She doesn't give that impression."

"She's jealous of Thomas, which is normal. But she would be pulling on you way more if she didn't get the attention she needed, trust me."

"I feel like I'm not doing enough."

"She'll still love you, though. Even if you weren't, which I'm not saying you are."

"She said she hated me the other day."

Sarah nodded and shrugged. "She's a toddler. She's pushing limits. She wants a reaction, so it's best to ignore her. She'll learn soon that she won't get any good attention by saying that."

May always felt like she was abusing Sarah's people knowledge for subjects totally unrelated to the actual reason she was here. Sarah had explained however that she was willing to talk about anything that was troubling May, even if it was something small. Something small might just be the push her depression needed to make her commit suicide. 

"Just off the top of your head, what could help with this feeling right now?"

"A break." She felt ashamed immediately. She couldn't take a break from her kids, she had brought them into this world and she had to raise them now. "But that's stupid."

"No it's not, Melinda. None of us are robots. We can be tired and overwhelmed and it doesn't make us less than. Why don't you discuss it with Phil? I'm sure you can work something out together."

Sarah was right. If anyone knew what to do, it was Phil.

She found him in the kitchen preparing dinner when she came home, even a pink apron she hadn't seen before wrapped around his torso. She kissed his cheek when she was close.

"Hey you," he said with a smile, but still kept cooking, which was probably the best thing. 

"Hey you yourself."

"How did it go with Sarah?"

"I need a break."

He froze and kept his gaze on the pots in front of him. He was silent for a while, stirring their food. His hand was shaking a bit and she regretted her poor phrasing and incomplete preparation. 

"What do you mean with break?"

"Not from us. Just… from this." She waved her hands around warily. She sighed. "I'm exhausted, Phil. I love our kids, but… I constantly feel like I'm only nursing, changing diapers and putting our brat in time-out."

Their brat gave her heart palpitations with her constant pushing of limits.

He sighed in relief. "Shit, I thought…" He shook his head and gathered her in his arms, kissing her deeply. 

"How could I need a break from you?"

He shrugged and kissed her again.

"I think it could be a good idea. I haven't spent as much time with you as I want."

"Oh? What would we do then?"

He giggled and lowered his hand until he could cup her butt and pull her flush against him.

"I think you know the answer to that question, Melinda May."

She rolled her eyes but she liked that idea. 

He returned to cooking soon, a smile still on his lips. May couldn't wipe the smile off her face, either, not even when she was changing another poop diaper from Thomas and Amy was once again grumpy. She returned to Phil not much later.

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with the idea of leaving Amy and Tommy behind."

"We don't have to go far. We could just go downtown and book ourselves into that fancy hotel we keep driving past. As long as we're together, I'll be happy." He scooped up some of the food he had been preparing, blew on it briefly and fed it to her. She rolled her eyes again but was always giddy to try his cooking - he was an excellent cook. Now was no exception. "I gotta admit, I'm kind of tired myself. I think it could be good for us." He kissed her. "For you. Daisy could take care of the kids for us, I doubt she'll mind. Or perhaps Uncle Fitz and Auntie Jemma could take them in."

The reality of it all sunk in. She could use a break but she would be parting with her babies. She couldn't do it. She couldn't do that to them. Especially Amy, she would wake up in the middle of the night and be scared and seek out May's presence, so she would freak out if May wasn't at home.

"Hey, don't pull away already," Phil whispered. "What's holding you back?"

She told him everything. He would get it out of her eventually, he had proven that time and time again. She couldn't keep anything from him, not regarding her feelings.

"Okay, I get that. Why don't we practice it a little, first? Daisy's home. After dinner, you and me could go to the supermarket and she can take care of Amy and Tommy."

"I don't know, Phil..."

"Just trust me, Melinda. It'll be okay."

She said yes. What else could she do?


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little emotional again for May, but I think it's also cathartic, or could be experienced in that way? Idk, it's just Coulson forcing her to relax and then feelings come out that she often holds in. (There's some mature subjects and *cough* actions in this chapter, but I think I kept it civilized. You be the judge of that, I guess.)  
> Also, how good was that episode? I think if I were to make a top-5 of best episodes in this entire series, 7x09 would definitely be on that list, and probably close to the top, too. A lot of episodes this season have been *kisses tips of fingers* brilliant and I love that the writers knew that this would be the last season and they went all out - truly, all out. The Coulson/Daisy banter but also serious talks between them were genius, the continuity of the timeloop was incredible, and obviously THE KISS OH MY GOOOOD I never thought I would be shipping these two but now I'm thinking of a way to include Daniel in this story but I know it won't happen but jeez, that was amazing. I loved every part of it so much, except for Enoch's death - RIP, Best Friend.

She had left Amy alone with Daisy lots of times in the past, even when the girl had been just a baby, so now shouldn't be any different, when Amy could brush her own teeth and didn't need her diaper changed and slept throughout the night, mostly. 

But something was different. May couldn't quite explain it. The stakes felt higher this time. And she knew, almost all the other times she had left Amy alone with her sister, it had been for good reason - work, therapy. Now, she left solely for personal reasons, so she could spend a little time alone with Phil, how selfish.

Thomas was the worst to leave behind. May was still breastfeeding him and he didn't like drinking from a bottle but she was still leaving him with Daisy. She wasn't certain if he would drink from the bottle at all.

"I've always wanted to take you on a honeymoon. We never had a proper one."

She didn't respond. She looked out of the car window while he drove. Her hands were clasped together in her lap, slightly shaking.

Phil was happy enough. She convinced herself she did this mostly for him, too, because she had been a good mother but a terrible wife and he had realized as well that they hadn't made love since Thomas was born. Before that, really, because sex wasn't very pleasant at nine months pregnant.

At the next traffic stop, she felt him looking at her. She wasn't going to say anything if he wasn't. 

"It'll be okay," he whispered. "I promise. I'll bet Amy is already on a sugar high and Thomas is safely asleep in his crib."

She nodded numbly. She didn't think this was such a good idea anymore. She hadn't really thought it was since proposing it to Phil. But he had been happy with the prospect of this little getaway, and she would do anything to make him happy. He had supported her better than she could have ever expected, and this was the least she could do to repay him.

He reached for her hand gently, kissing the top of it. She looked at the sight. 

She hated this depression. She knew she should be feeling happy, giddy, she was going away for the weekend with the love of her life and they could make as much love as they wanted and possibly sleep in and order breakfast in bed. Why did she feel so numb, then? 

"Will it calm you down if we call Daisy?"

She nodded. He handed her her phone which he had confiscated when they had left the house, because he knew she would be doing this, because he knew her well.

Daisy didn't pick up the first time. May sat up straight in her seat, her hands shaking more, and Phil had pulled over when she started hyperventilating. He tried calling again and Daisy picked up on the first ring. He put the call on speakerphone. 

"You're supposed to be relaxing!"

When neither Phil nor May said anything, the latter still breathing heavily, Daisy's mood changed.

"Everything is fine here. Amy is at daycare and Tommy is asleep, fed him just before he nodded off. He's taking the bottle well, but he was reaching for my boobs."

Phil cracked a small smile and held May's hand in his again, once again kissing the top.

"Hey, Melinda. Everything will be fine. I got this."

May knew that. Of course she did. But there was always a tiny voice in her head which was saying the opposite, which was encouraging fear and doubt and even hate. It shouldn't be this hard to turn that voice off.

"You two have fun together." Daisy made retching noises. Daisy would always feel uncomfortable with the knowledge that her parents were still having sex. (Even though at that moment, sex wasn't even remotely on May's mind.) "I think I just threw up in my mouth."

"Hey, you behave, you," Phil said with a smile on his face. "Kiss Tommy for us, will you?"

"Of course. Love y'all."

"Love you, too."

Phil looked at Melinda. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the headrest. 

"They're all fine."

She still couldn't shake the feeling that she should be there.

~...~

Phil was so sweet. He would have made an excellent husband to a lot of suitors, and unbeknownst to him, he'd had quite a few. Some of their mutual friends had often asked her about advice on how to woo him, considering she was his best friend and she would surely know these kinds of things. She had steered some of them completely the wrong way, knowingly, because she knew they just weren't the right one for him. 

But he was her husband now. She would have steered herself wrong if she had asked herself for advice. She was totally not fit to be with Phil.

He had booked a stupidly lavish hotel for the two of them, complete with indoor swimming pool and spa. They didn't have enough money for this, but he wouldn't accept her protests. He had paid for this from his own pockets, rather than their shared account, and had apparently made sure everything was included. (She had a feeling SHIELD might have had a hand in these finances, but she didn't want to hurt his ego.)

He handed her a single rose and she accepted it with a small smile. She kissed a corner of his lips and his hands held her tightly.

"I love you, Melinda."

She didn't know what he expected anymore. She knew he was probably wanting some sex, she could give him that, but any heart to heart conversations were currently out of the question. 

She shrugged off her coat and he took it like the gentleman he was. She was reaching for the hem of her shirt when he stopped her.

"I was thinking, maybe we could visit the spa first. We can relax."

It didn't sound nearly as tempting as making love with him, but he was probably right. He kissed her and they went into the direction of the spa.

She found it hard to relax though when every time she did, her thoughts went to her babies, waiting for her at home. She was in the middle of a massage when she realized that Amy's stuffed animal, Mr. Snuggles (not to be confused with Tommy's Mr. Cuddles), was still in Phil and May's bed and the girl couldn't possibly sleep without him. She made to get up but the kind woman performing her massage pushed her back down gently.

"I need to call my daughter."

"Unless it's life threatening, you can call afterwards."

"My husband told you to say that, didn't he?"

"Yes Ma'am, and I one hundred percent agree."

She rolled her eyes and settled back down. Okay. Don't think about the kids. Think about anything but the kids…

She hoped she had left enough milk for Tommy. He was too young for infant formula and she didn't want him to make that transition without her present. She had the stuff at home, though, so she guessed Daisy would reach for that if all the bottles were empty.

Dammit. She was leaking now. Luckily she was wearing her maternity bra.

She also remembered that one of the teachers at Amy's daycare had her birthday today and it was tradition for May to bring them all a small gift to thank them for their great care of her baby girl. (She wouldn't have survived if she didn't have the safe respite of daycare.) She hoped Daisy had remembered to bring it, or else it w-

"No kids, Mrs. Coulson."

"I'm not thinking about them."

The woman raised an eyebrow and shamelessly looked to May's chest, where damp circles on her bra displayed exactly what she had been thinking of.

This wasn't going to work. She couldn't control where her thoughts went when she relaxed, she couldn't really control them at all, especially not now.

The woman nodded politely and continued the massage, but after another few minutes, May sighed and shook her head, sitting up.

"Are you okay, Mrs. Coulson?"

May shook her head again and got dressed quietly. She would return to the hotel room and call Daisy to make sure everything was alright, perhaps even call the daycare to check in with them, too, and then take a nap until Phil returned from his massage. (He deserved it more than her, anyway, so she wouldn't disturb him.)

Yet she found Phil in the hotel room, his skin slightly rosy but he looked relaxed. Alright. At least he had finished his massage.

He got up when he saw her enter the room and looked at her, from top to bottom, making her feel slightly uncomfortable under his gaze. 

"You didn't finish your massage."

She shook her head. 

"What happened?"

She pointed to her shirt, where much like her bra, the fabric was sporting two small circles of wetness. 

"Let's go home, Phil," she whispered. "This was a bad idea."

But still, he wouldn't give in. She would much rather be in her own bed now with Thomas crying in the room next to theirs, Amy screaming to the TV in the living room downstairs. Daisy doing incredibly well on her homework, blasting her music less than she used to, considerate for both Tommy and May.

"I want you to relax, Melinda," he replied, his voice as quiet as hers. 

"I can't."

"Of course you can." 

She flinched when he pulled her close to kiss her, she was done with today and wanted to crawl under the covers of her comfortable bed. She was shocked, though, when she realized she had never backed away from him, never. That must be enough proof to him that she wanted to go home.

But he didn't take no for an answer. He kissed her again and she melted in his arms, despite her previous attempts at getting away from him. Okay. Maybe a quickie and then they could go home. 

He pulled away and guided her to the big bed, lifting her shirt up and over her head. Yet rather than initiating foreplay, he just kissed the skin in her neck and made her lie down on the bed, on her stomach.

He quickly joined her but not in the way she had expected. He started kneading her shoulders, and dammit, why was he so hellbent on getting her a massage? She knew it wouldn't work!

But somehow, he kept her mind off anything but him. When her thoughts tried to move away, he sensed it, and planted kisses on the skin he could reach, bringing her back to the present. And it felt so good, he was wonderful with his hands, knowing exactly how to push into her skin to relieve some tension. She'd had to close her eyes at some point because she felt tears approaching, dammit, she was such a crybaby these days, what had happened to the strong Melinda May she had always fought to become? Had her depression well and truly destroyed everything she had once been so proud of?

"I love you," he whispered. She cracked. She couldn't help it. She buried her face into a pillow and cried, she didn't even know what for. Shame perhaps, for how emotional she was; release in a way, although they hadn't done anything sexual. 

He pulled her up and into his arms and she held onto him tightly, he was her only lifeline, the only thing that could keep her above water, keep her from drowning. 

"It's okay," he whispered, his voice so kind and patient. He kept her from drowning but she sure loved drowning in his voice, his words. She was so in love with him, had never expected this feeling to persist, had never thought she would ever get to express it, let it see the light of day. "I'm here, Melinda. I've got you."

He always would catch her, no matter how many times she fell down. She could take comfort from that, she might not be able to do the same for him but at least she could depend on him, on his arms being there when she needed them most.

She cried for an embarrassingly long time, in his arms, head on his shoulder. He had ditched his own shirt eventually so she could feel his naked skin, although both of them were still dressed below the waist. 

A lot of feelings came out, although neither of them uttered a word. The fear of losing him, always afraid, she would die without him, as had been proven in his absence; shame, she was truly ashamed of her depression, she had no reason to feel like this anymore and yet she still felt herself being pulled down on a regular basis; love, because damn, she loved him so much, more than she had ever loved anyone or anything on this planet, more than the air that filled her lungs, more than the kids they'd had together - she felt more shame about that, she should love her kids more than her husband, but she knew that they had been created by that love, that undeniable bond between Phil and her. If their love didn't exist, neither would their children. 

She sure felt a lot for someone who was numb most of the time. 

When the tears had seized, she got sleepy, and he didn't seem to mind. It seemed like an awful waste of such an expensive hotel room. He helped her strip down to just her underwear, sleep shirt covering her otherwise naked chest, and tucked her in, kissing her deeply, the first kiss since he had started his incredible massage.

"Just sleep for now, Melinda. I'll be here when you wake up."

She was already drifting off, his beautiful face accompanying her in her dreams.

~...~

She didn't sleep for that long, only an hour, tops. Coulson took simple pleasure out of watching her, always his favorite pastime. 

She had cried for seemingly ages, and although his heart had broken at the sight of the mighty Melinda May bawling in his arms, he hoped it brought some relief for her, hoping she had been able to let go of some tension.

Her shoulders had been full of knots and he wasn't surprised that she had been as tense as she had been. She kept too much of her feelings inside, never to see the light of day. He would change that habit, because while she might be embarrassed to talk about it, or to let go, it was detrimental to her recovery.

She stirred and he kissed the corner of her mouth, his arms wrapping around her a little tighter. She took a while to wake up, considering she hadn't been asleep for that long. When she focused on him, though, she seemed wide awake.

"Oh." It was almost like it was just air passing. He knew she still didn't always believe he was alive, had woken up to find her tracing every inch of him in wonder multiple times. He couldn't believe he was alive, either, but he had to try his hardest to make sure she survived, too.

He kissed her and felt her melt against him and they lay like that for a while, lips brushing and tongues teasing and hands caressing. She sighed in bliss when he ran a hand through her hair. 

He pulled away eventually to evaluate how she was feeling, because that had been the whole point of this trip. Her cheeks were slightly red and her hair was disheveled - he loved her like this, thoroughly affected by his kisses, even if she denied it. 

She smiled at him and for the first time in a long while, it reached her eyes. He gently traced the small laugh lines beside her eyes, still quite faint because her skin was amazing and her youth everlasting, it seemed.

"Stupid massage," she muttered, and he giggled, nuzzling her nose with his. Even if it had just been an hour, she already felt better rested, although he knew most of it was because she was not as tense as before.

"How are you feeling?"

She answered him by rolling onto her back and pulling him with her, and he covered her fully, her legs spreading to make room for him. His heart skipped a beat but his brain told him he needed to take this slow, allow her time to rest and relax. She didn't accept it though when he pulled away.

Okay. This surely wouldn't hurt. If she felt up to the task, he would love to make love with her.

But it was too soon, as was evidenced by Melinda sobbing uncontrollably within minutes while he was gently thrusting inside her. Perhaps any lesser man would have lost his patience by now, but he wasn't a lesser man, at least not to her. 

He pulled away but she kept him close, her legs around his waist giving him little room to move.

"Don't stop," she gasped, more tears streaming down her cheeks. He listened to her, because he always had. They rocked against each other for another few minutes, his face never far from hers, and he saw her unraveling before him, her mask falling, her tears burning away some of the pain and lies of the past few years. They held each other for a long time after they finished, even when he moved to undress them completely, she still held on to him tightly.

"What have you done to me?" she asks, mostly afraid and a little bit teasing. He kissed her collarbone.

"I made you relax."

It wasn't enough to cure her depression, but it was enough to relieve the tension in her body, making battling her demons easier. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, like I mentioned earlier, I will be going on vacation tomorrow but I'll be staying in the country (because global pandamic). I will be taking my laptop will me, probably mostly to be able to play The Sims if I want to, but I'm not sure if I will have the time to be publishing anything for this story. I know you don't mind, but I just wanted to give you a headsup. If it is true that I won't be publishing while I'm away, then I'll be back on August 3rd and will be trying my best to publish then. In the meantime, stay safe everyone, and may the Force be with you! (Ooops, wrong fandom!)


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the bitch is back! I went camping and the family next to us had a little girl called Amy, probs roughly the same age as our Amy is, so that was kind of odd, lol. She was a sweetheart, tho, much like our Amy!  
> Also, I really quite like this part of the story. May and Coulson sit down for an honest to god conversation, and they will be doing this more often in the future, trust me.

May had always loved Phil Coulson's company, now was no exception. Whether they were just discussing the rut of everyday life, or expressing feelings deeply hidden that no one else would ever know about, she always felt most comfortable when he was there by her side.

They stayed in bed for most of the day, and it somewhat reminded her of those weeks spent on Tahiti, yet now she was the one mostly bedridden and he was managing everything else. Whenever the need got too big, they would make love, making her cry with her release and his arms wrapped tightly around her.

The coin had always fallen the right way here, for some reason. Yes, she cried, but he had always given her intense releases, now was no exception. She had cried mostly out of happiness, relief, a little bit of shame, still, because Melinda May never cried but she knew she hadn't stopped crying since he had died. 

He took her out to dinner in the hotel's restaurant, and it was obvious he had bribed the waiter because the young man gave them less attention than any other couple currently present, just left them alone for most of the night. He did still mess up, though.

"And a salad for the lady?"

May felt her fists twitch, hadn't felt like that in a long time, but Phil covered one of her hands with his and diffused the situation.

"Make that steak, medium well," Phil answered. He knew what she liked. "With a side of extra greasy fries."

"Alright. Excellent choice. Can I offer something to drink, too? We just received some fine wine the other day, a 2008 Delamotte-"

"No. No alcohol."

That seemed to surprise the waiter, but he still nodded firmly and took their menus. 

"I'll see what else I have in store for you two."

May looked at Phil when the waiter was gone. He seemed a little peeved and it made her smile faintly. 

"How much money did you pay him?"

He blushed and rolled his eyes. "Not enough, it would seem. I wanted to make tonight perfect but he screwed everything up within five minutes."

"That's not true. It can still be perfect." At least she had his company, which was all she needed these days. 

"Yeah?"

She smiled and kissed the palm of his hand and his eyes closed in bliss. 

"Will you marry me, Mel?"

She froze and let go of his hand and stared at him in confusion and shock. He reached out to hold her hand, instead. 

"Phil?"

"I know we're already married. I know it won't change anything. But we didn't really… have a ceremony last time. I couldn't say any vows. You deserve that."

She looked at him struggling and her heart warmed. Of course she should have expected something like this. He was so focused on this evening, fretting, wanting everything to be perfect. He was always a romantic but he usually just went with the flow, spontaneous acts of kindness were kind of his thing. 

"No," she whispered, shaking her head. His face fell and she sighed.

"Mel?"

"Let's wait until I'm done beating this depression. Then we'll have something to celebrate."

He paused. She wished she could bring back that smile on his face. He truly could do better than her.

"That makes sense. You'll marry me then?"

She smiled and nodded. He stood and reached over the table, cradling her face with one hand and kissing her deeply. 

"I love you," she whispered. She didn't throw that sentence around easily, and she especially didn't initiate it. Not even with him. 

He smiled and kissed her again and then sat down while still grinning at her. Their food came in right in that instance and looking at her grease filled plate, courtesy of Phil's knowledge about her favorite foods, she was reminded again of why she loved him in the first place.

"You thought I was gonna turn you down?"

"Honestly? Yes."

"I didn't turn you down before."

"I was dying then. I accepted that it was a sympathy card kind of thing."

She rolled her eyes and she heard him giggle. She took a few bites of her food before continuing again.

"I did marry you because you were dying. I'll admit that. But I mostly married you because I love you and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Still do. I knew it wasn't going to be long, but any number of weeks…  _ days _ was more than I could have expected." She took another bite and looked at him. "I know we tease about this, but I never expected to ever have this with you."

"This?"

She waved her finger between the two of them. Her ring was definitely on display so he could see the silver and the diamonds catching the restaurant's dim lights. 

"You were always way above my league, Phil. You like to believe that it was the other way around… and perhaps more people feel that way… but your kindness has never faltered, not once. Not even when your entire world was destroyed, when the people you cared about started dying… you were always kind and honestly an angel and I've always looked at that with respect. I've never had that strength. My first partner died and I closed off completely, shut out even Clint and Nat, you. My best friends. Then Bahrain happened… you have always been my rock and I've always loved you for that, always will. That's why you're way above my league, Phil Coulson."

She paused, reached for a glass of wine that wasn't there and took a sip of her sparkling water, instead. 

"Well, that, and you're really hot."

He fought down a chuckle, she could tell. She looked at her plate to avoid those piercing blue eyes, that told her of all the feelings that were roaming around freely in his head and heart. She had never expressed these feelings to him, had never expressed any meaningful feelings to him, really.

"Now you're just exaggerating."

"I'm not. I looked at you that first time and I knew… we would be in contact for a long time. Should have told you about my feelings for you sooner, but I caved every time. I thought you wouldn't reciprocate my feelings." Then, her vision went dark. A cloud was passing. "And even if you were, I wanted to protect you from me, because everything around me seems to die or burn to ashes and you're so much better than that. You deserve better than that. I didn't want to ruin the one good thing in my life."

"I wouldn't have allowed you to ruin it."

"See… you wouldn't have had a choice in it. You died. Twice. If that isn't enough proof to my theory, I don't know what is."

He sighed and shook his head.

"This started off sweet and turned into-"

"My depression talking. I know."

"Shall we, uh… bag this up and go back to our room?"

She shrugged and looked at her steak. Phil looked at her intently, and she felt tears building up already. She had ruined this again. He wanted a perfect night and she had opened her stupid mouth and had allowed her depression to talk both of them down again. 

She got up and straightened the little black dress she had purchased especially for him. He got up too and cupped her face with both his hands.

"Don't. Don't you dare allow it this power, Melinda. Come and sit with me. We'll talk about something else."

She closed her eyes and felt exhausted again, all of their hard work of the day seemingly forgotten. He guided her back onto her chair and kissed her bare shoulder before sitting opposite her again.

"Talk to me, Melinda. What can I do to help?"

She had to fight through this. This was just another dark cloud. In a few moments, she would feel better again, as long as he just-

"Keep talking," she breathed, resting her arms on the table and holding her head up with her shaking hands, looking down at her lap.

"I was a big nerd when we met so you wouldn't have dated me if I was the last man on base."

She huffed. "You're wrong."

"I'm not. Remember our first stake out together and I spent an hour admiring the new edition of Captain America? I swear I thought you would burn those comics  _ and _ me."

He kept talking just as she said he should and focused on his voice. So soothing. He could make the ingredients of cleaning detergents sound interesting. 

Most of all, though, she realized he was still here.

He's here.

He's here.

_ He's here. _

You hear that, depression? The love of my life is still here and you can't beat that! You can't beat how good he makes me feel! You can try but you'll never succeed!

_ He's still here! _

She looked up at him and saw mostly worry on his face, but there was hope and love in his eyes and she knew she could count on him again, and again, because he was her best friend and her husband and the father of her children and she owed everything to him. She had dedicated her life to him without even realizing it, had handed him her heart on a silver platter and he had only ever hurt it once, and he had apologized to her at length after they had realized Ward had been the Hydra mole. She hadn't really lost her trust in Phil, ever.

She got up and went over to him and tilted his chin up, kissing him. His hands reached out for her and the two of them remained like that, kissing, him pulling her into his lap eventually, and when the giddy feeling his kisses gave her wore off, she felt everyone's eyes on them, and hardly felt bad about it. 

Phil was blushing though. And smiling up at her, his hands not leaving her waist.

"Let's go back to our room," he said, his voice an octave or two higher than usual. The waiter had their dinner packed and then they stood in the elevator, her back pressed against the wall, him fumbling with both the bag of food and her bra strap.

How had she gone from seeing only black to nearly making love up against a wall within a few minutes? But she knew that answer, of course.

Phil Coulson. He was the answer to everything. And if she wasn't mistaken, she had just realized he was the key to her overcoming her depression.

That night, she made love to him like she meant it, the way she always should have since his return, and the way she knew she hadn't been doing all that much. He deserved this, for all his hard work.

His happy face underneath her smiling up at her was all she ever needed.

They lay in each other's arms afterwards, her panting, him smiling deeply, eyes closed.

"I'm proud of you, Melinda."

"For nearly jumping you in that crowded restaurant?"

He chuckled and shrugged. "That, too. But really, for pulling through. I'm so proud."

She closed her eyes too and cuddled against his side.

She was proud of herself, too. She had persisted while the dark cloud had passed over her, and instead of caving in and hiding in bed, she had managed to stay in that stupid restaurant and sit out her attack. He had helped her through it, though. If she had been alone, she would have fled already.

"Hey, Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"I know this is not the appropriate time, but…"

She stopped because she was right, this was inappropriate and she shouldn't have even thought about bringing it up.

"Mel?"

"What if I get pregnant again?"

"What?"

"I was just thinking the other day, all of our attempts to prevent a pregnancy didn't help the last time, so… I know our chances are so, so low. But… last time, I wasn't sure how you would feel about it, so I kept it from you. But… would we be open to it again?"

"Of course." He didn't even hesitate a little. His answer had already been on his tongue. 

"Even if it will end in more pain?"

"Especially then. Pain only makes us stronger. Although sure, preferably, I don't want you to hurt anymore."

"You don't have to protect me like that, Phil."

"Don't have to, but I still will. I would love to have another baby with you, Melinda, even if the chances of that happening are small. I loved seeing you pregnant and I love the two beautiful kids you brought into our lives. I would be an idiot to pass up that opportunity."

"It probably won't happen, though."

"That's probably true. But we already have a perfect little family, Melinda. We have Daisy, and Amy, Tommy. My life is… perfect with you four. If we have another child, it will only get more perfect, but if we don't, it will still be perfect. I love you, Melinda. Nothing will change that."

She grabbed his arm and made him wrap it around her, longing for that feeling of completely disappearing in his hold. He sighed in bliss and pulled her closer. 

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," she replied, every word of it was true. It had never been truer than it was in that moment. 

"Hey, we talked about the kids without you crying."

She rolled her eyes and nudged his side. "Bite me."

She already knew his response before the words left his mouth.

"With pleasure."

~...~

Eventually, they had to return to reality, and Coulson hated it so much. He loved having Melinda all to himself, loved cuddling with her on the bed while watching a horrible telenovela on some Spanish channel and hearing her groan and huff at the ridiculousness of the show. He loved being able to make love to her whenever he wanted, and whenever she consented, which was more than she usually would have.

He loved making love with her. There was no greater feeling in this life than pleasing Melinda May in that way. She was relaxed, happy, smiling at him, and it made his heart beat almost violently in his chest.

He was so in love with her. He wished they could stay in this room forever.

But, duty called. She lay on the bed watching as he packed their bag, his heart racing again as he carefully folded that amazing little black dress. (He was just a man, and his woman had looked good enough to eat. He'd had to fight to keep his hands in appropriate places.)

"Do we have to go back?" she asked him. If he wasn't mistaken, he saw she was pouting. He wouldn't point this out in fear of a fist to his face.

"Our kids are waiting for us."

She was quiet then while he kept packing.

He wouldn't deny that she had looked the best she ever had since his return, sleeping in and his gentle massages had a good effect on her, but they couldn't stay here, no matter how much he wanted to. He did want to wrap her into the lush bathrobe the hotel had provided them and hold her to him in this giant bed for all eternity, but their kids needed them, too, and she knew that. He knew she knew that.

She climbed off the bed and wrapped her arms around him from behind. He got a little distracted from packing with her deliciously warm body pressed against him.

"I barely thought about them this weekend."

He smiled and turned around in her arms, keeping her close. She wasn't smiling like he was, and he knew exactly what she was thinking. 

"You're not a terrible mom for taking some personal time. Especially… in your condition, don't hit me yet." She did pull away but he wouldn't let her. "You're depressed, Melinda. For you, it's most important to take time for yourself and make sure  _ you're _ doing well. Our kids won't be able to depend on you if you're dead."

"Phil…"

"I'm serious. We're going to go on more trips like this in the future, I promise. You need to take care of yourself. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, let me know, and I'll drag you off to another one of these little caves." The little smile she gave him was gorgeous. "Even just little things, Melinda. Doesn't have to be big. You can get a weekly pedicure. Go to the movies with Daisy. You've earned that right, I've told you before. I'll always take care of you. You know that. And don't sell me that shit about how I don't need to do this. I  _ want _ to do this, Melinda. You're my best friend. Of course I want you to be happy. Especially if you're by my side every day. I won't allow you to be unhappy unnecessarily while you're my wife."

"I'm depressed, Phil."

"I know that. But you're on medication, you're trying really hard, and it shows. You haven't allowed it to overrule this entire weekend, and I could tell it was hard. You're making progress, my love. I know it's hard to see that, but I can. So let's go home and see our kids again with renewed vigor so you can continue being the perfect mother that they so need. I'm proud of you, Melinda. I love you and I'm proud of you."

He fully expected her to downplay these emotions, claim he was lying and just trying to kiss her ass, but she smiled brightly and kissed him and he could tell the words hit home.

Finally. He should have taken her out for a weekend just like this ages ago.

"Thank you, Phil."

Of course, when their kiss deepened, neither could stop it from escalating and they made love again, until a hotel employee knocked on the door to tell them they definitely needed to check out now.

She brushed his cheek while he drove them home. "Daisy will see we've just had sex."

"I don't care. She knows we're still active."

"She prefers not to get too many details, though."

He chuckled and nodded. At the next traffic stop, he pulled her close and sucked a massive hickey into her neck. She gasped and pushed him away and turned the rearview mirror to look at her skin.

"Phil!" She couldn't contain her amusement, however. Her eyes were sparkling with love.

"Should have given you lots more. How's that for not too many details?"

Melinda giggled and pulled him close to kiss him, until the light turned green and the people behind them started honking. 


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiyah! Me again! Just want to thank all of you who are still reading this story, I know these past few chapters haven't been very eventful (with a few exceptions here and there), and I understand it if the story is getting a bit more tedious now. Therefore, I'm forever grateful for all the people who still decide to tune in every time I post a new chapter, because the only reason I wrote this story is to entertain you (even if it means that I have to hurt y'all from time to time) so to imagine, and read, that I have succeeded always improves my days!  
> Also, how weird is it that we only have one episode left? Technically, it's two because it's a two hour long series finale, but it still doesn't seem to land at all that we only have one more week left of this incredible show and then it's over, forever. I will try not to think about it too much or else I will probably break down, lol.  
> Also, yeah, I still don't have a good excuse for posting so late as compared to previous chapters. I know I don't owe you an explanation, but here goes: I was busy working (nightshifts ugh) and registering my car under my name (the car I've been driving for 3+ years was so far registered under my mother's name, but moving it to mine was tedious because I had to change so many things to have it be on my name) AND I've been reading a lot lately! That last one is most surprising I think because I've never been an avid reader, but I've read like 4 books in less than two weeks and I don't think I've ever read that much in my life, ever. For anyone wondering, currently I'm reading Queen's Shadow by E.K. Johnston and obvs it's a Star Wars book. *shrug* Anyway, no one cares, but thanks if you read this far into my Author's Note, lol.  
> Again, thanks for the unwavering support! I really, really appreciate it!

God, this was stupid, wasn't it? 

She had spent just a weekend apart from them, just a little over two days. They had probably hardly missed her, Tommy probably hadn't even noticed she was gone. 

May felt ashamed that she had left, even though she wouldn't have done it differently if she could have. She had loved spending some alone time with Phil and had honestly fallen a little bit more in love with him than she already had been feeling, which had felt to be quite impossible. 

She was nervous that the two little ones wouldn't even remember her face, which was even stupider. Of course they would remember who she was, she was their mother, no one would forget their mother. 

Phil had called Daisy before they had stepped into the car to let her know that they were on the way, jokingly adding that they had enough time to put any naughty activities away, hearing Amy giggle in the background as a response. May's heart had constricted at the sound, no idea how much she had missed them until that moment. But she wouldn't let it overwhelm her. Phil and her still had a little time left, and she would make the best of it.

When they arrived at home, and Phil had turned off the car, they sat there for a while, hands entwined in between them.

"Oh, I almost forgot, I still have a surprise for you. Close your eyes."

She glared at him and he chuckled, but he didn't continue until she had closed her eyes. She felt him opening her hand which had been clasped in a fist, and he put what felt like a box in it. 

Her heart started racing. She still remembered the last time he had gotten her a box, and it had resulted in her wearing his ring and them crying endlessly in each other's arms.

"Okay. You can look."

She opened her eyes and saw once again a jewelry box, black velvet, bigger than a ring, probably, hopefully. She opened it and saw a necklace, simple, except for the hanger. They were three little disks, gold, and something was obviously inscribed in them.

"Phil?"

"Just look at it."

She lifted it out of the box to inspect it, and saw immediately the three names of the people most important to her. 

Daisy. Amelia. Thomas. Complete with their birthday on the back.

"Oh my god."

"I don't know if you'll ever wear it, but… this is my gift to you. Remember what I told you when we found out you were pregnant with Amy?"

She shook her head. She remembered a lot but wasn't sure what he was referencing. 

"She's a gift. And I know it was a stupid thing to say, but it was very true. She's my gift to you, all three of them are. And… perhaps I had barely anything to do with it, perhaps it was all you and your power and your determination to get the life you've always wanted…"

She shook her head. "It was also you. I wouldn't have had Amy and Tommy without you. Hell, I wouldn't even be a mother to Daisy if it weren't for you. She was a little shit at first." 

He chuckled and nodded. 

"I owe so much to you," she whispered. "This… is a beautiful reminder."

He took the necklace from her hands and motioned for her to turn around while he fastened it around her neck. The three little disks ended just above her cleavage. 

"Even when you're apart, you still have our kids with you. Close to your heart."

From nowhere, she felt tears in her eyes and he pulled her close, wrapping an arm around her almost awkwardly because of the angle. She let some of the tears flow but the others she saved for when they were inside their home, knowing she would cry again there. 

"Thank you, Phil. It's beautiful." She kissed him quickly. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Let's go inside."

She nodded and allowed him to carry their bag inside, loudly announcing to whomever was listening that, "WE'RE HOME!"

Amy came running out of whatever little crevice she had been hiding in and dove into Phil's arms first, before running against May who gladly lifted her into her arms. 

"Mommy! I missed you so much! I'm so happy you're home! Do you need a nap, Mommy? Maybe we can nap together! I can make you a sandich, Cay Cay made a new recipice."

"Recipe!" Daisy corrected, holding a fussy Thomas in her arms. May looked at the two longingly but focused on Amy eventually.

"Hey baby girl. I missed you, too. Have you been nice to Daisy?"

"Yes, Mommy. I changed Tommy's diaper."

"It was gross, wasn't it?" May asked, with a hint of amusement and a little bit of awe. This three year old, with the help of her big sister, had changed her baby brother's dirty diaper.

Amy's face was a picture as she nodded and May chuckled, hugging the girl tightly before allowing her to run off again. May went over to Daisy and scooped the crying baby out of her arms without a word.

"He's been an angel until this point, to be honest. It's like he sensed you two were close."

May could definitely tell why the boy was fussing and knew why it was difficult for Daisy to silence him. 

"He's-"

"Hungry, I know," Daisy interrupted. "He really doesn't like the bottle."

May smiled at Daisy, hugged her with one arm, before rushing over to the couch and starting the preparations for breastfeeding. Thomas was quiet as soon as he had a real nipple to suckle on. Daisy provided May with her comfortable nursing pillow and then sat beside her.

"Well? Any news?"

Daisy looked at May expectantly, also sizing up the new necklace that now graced her neck. May in her turn looked at Phil, who was now blushing furiously while making stupid 'STOP' motions with his hands. He quit them immediately when he saw they were both looking at him.

"He told me everything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah. The necklace, the proposal. So, I take it you said yes?"

Phil's face fell a little despite the knowledge of their mutual decision to wait. He took their bag into the bedroom.

"You said no?!" Daisy exclaimed incredulously, startling Thomas who started crying immediately. May shushed him expertly while Daisy rambled about her disappointment in May. "How could you say no?! What did he say? Did he give you the whole 'they're close to your heart' thing? I told him that was good and you would love it."

"He did say that."

"And how he wanted to tell you his vows?"

"Yep."

"Then I don't understand."

"Daisy, please stop. I said no because we're already married. If we renew that, I want it to have a reason. So I told him I want to wait until I've beaten my depression."

"But… that could take years."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," May deadpanned, although she was well aware that Daisy was right. She hoped Phil knew that, too. "It's the only reason I saw to renewing our marriage. Getting married again won't change how much I love him. It doesn't change how much I love our kids, you… Amy, Tommy. If we renew our vows, I want it to be with Phil and  _ me _ , not my depression possibly taking the reigns. I want it… to mean something. Not just something we felt we had to do because we had another kid together or something."

Daisy took the time to think about that reasoning. May looked at her for a few moments before focusing on the nursing baby in her own arms. 

On an unrelated note, May loved this part about babies. She loved how intimate and comfortable and loving this was, just this little human in her arms who drank from her breast, the one thing that nourished them best. She had always felt really close to Amy when she had still been nursing, and had felt it as a pain in her heart that the girl was weaned. Although Amy had still sought comfort in May's arms, because she knew her mother would always protect her and always hold her when she needed to be held. Thomas, although generally a much different baby than his big sister, also realized that he was safe and loved in her arms, indeed very close to her heart. 

If possible, she would breastfeed them forever. But unfortunately, they both grew up, which was actually a 'fortunately', because she didn't like the alternative. 

"Okay, I get that. I thought you had said no because you didn't want to wear a dress or something."

May rolled her eyes and Daisy chuckled briefly. 

"That, too. I will marry him again. Just not right now."

Daisy nodded in understanding. They sat across from each other for a while, May alternating her gaze between Daisy and Thomas. His eyes were already partly closed in possible exhaustion. Daisy had joked once that that was just because of his 'Asian' eyes, but Phil had just sighed, exasperated, and explained how Thomas looked more like himself than May, even though the latter knew very well he didn't believe that. Perhaps Phil was afraid of just saying the truth: all three of their kids were Asian, some more than the other. Daisy definitely looked more like her biological father but you could still tell the Asian genes in there - Amelia was definitely Chinese. Thomas was still a work in progress but he shared similarities with Amy.

"You look good, by the way. I'm usually not the one to say this, but, sex does you well."

May was shocked by that sentence but laughed all the same, holding Thomas' little head so he wouldn't be moved too much.

Daisy hated thinking about Phil and May having sex. Many breakfasts had been spent while the young woman pleaded with them to please tone down their lovemaking, or otherwise allow her to switch rooms with Amy. May had found her on the couch downstairs sometimes and had decided that yes, she and Phil should tone it down because the last thing May wanted was for Daisy to feel unwelcome in her own home. 

So to hear Daisy say the word sex in the same context as either of her parents was quite a surprise. 

"I feel better. It started horrible, but then he gave me a massage and-"

"Wooow, so much information I didn't ask for!"

"We were both fully clothed at that point."

Daisy jumped up. "Okay. Happy for you. Love you. Bye!" And then Daisy was gone, and May and Thomas were all alone.

"Seems like it's just you and me here, buddy."

He paused in nursing and looked up at her. He gave her the first of no doubt many smiles. May fell in love with him, head over heels, just like she had with this boy's big sister. In a different way, but not any more or less meaningful, she had fallen in love with Phil, too. Many decades ago now. It had been the start of everything, she hadn't really lived until then. He had been in most of her life, the good and bad parts, and she had been truly blessed with his presence. 

Phil kissed her quick when she passed him as she was about to put Thomas back in his crib, fast asleep now. 

This seemed like a dream. If she'd seen this moment right here ten years ago, she would have definitely thought it was nothing but a good dream, totally impossible and out of her reach. But Phil smiled at her and kissed Thomas' little head and she knew it wasn't a dream anymore. This was reality. She got to have the cliché family life with  _ Phil Coulson _ .

Who would have thought? The dork with a man crush on Cap - her husband. The father of her children. And the rest of her future, the leading character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this chapter is a little shorter, sorry about that. I hope to make it up to y'all soon!


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment I had started writing that part loooong ago with May and thunder, I instantly had this chapter already in the back of my mind. Obviously, May's fear for thunder would be easier to deal with with Phil present...  
> Also, I'm still not recovered from the series finale. I doubt I will be anytime soon. I really liked it, but there was a disappointing lack of Philinda in it. I know some might say that they had their shot and now they're different people and it wouldn't work the same way, but for most of the episode they were throwing heart eyes in each other's direction and a kiss would have been nice, at least. Still, everything else was perfect. Also, I really liked Alya, such a cute kiddie!  
> Also, I love dogs. So, the second part of this chapter... not such a surprise, I would argue.

Phil Coulson had always enjoyed lightning, liked the rain that usually accompanied it, the beauty of nature that was showcased. He liked seeing the lightning strike across the sky, seeking a random path every time, until it reached the ground with a loud crash.

He knew, however, that Melinda May  _ hated _ lightning. She always claimed she 'wasn't a fan' but he knew how scared she was by it all. In one of their many stakeouts, he had made the mistake of joking about it, because while he had hoped it would lighten the mood a little, she had nearly broken his wrist and proceeded to ignore him the rest of the week. 

No. Melinda didn't like lightning. He had always had the desire to hold her through it, but those kinds of actions weren't acceptable within their friendship. 

But they were married now. They were lovers. Surely, he should be able to comfort her in this manner? He hated seeing her this scared, she rarely was.

"Mel?"

She didn't respond. A lightning strike close by startled her visibly. She pulled up the duvet despite the warmth in the room. 

Right. He wasn't going to let her suffer this alone anymore. He had earned this spot by her side and she would probably kick and scream or pretend she wasn't scared at all, but he knew her and he would be there with her. 

He scooted closer to her and spooned her back, his arm draped lightly over her side.

"Phil…"

"What was Amy's first word?"

"What?"

"I'm just curious. I missed so much of her life."

She was quiet. A loud crash startled her again and he heard her choke back a sob. She didn't like feeling this way, helpless, weak. They both knew she wasn't weak.

"It was Dada."

Coulson felt his heart warm almost immediately at that revelation. She turned her head towards him and he saw there were tears on her cheeks. He didn't give it any attention if she wouldn't either.

He couldn't believe that Amelia's first word had been  _ him _ . He hadn't even been there. She hadn't even heard his voice, seen his face, hadn't felt his arms around her. 

"Dada?"

She nodded with a faint smile. "Couldn't stop talking about you."

"I'm flattered." He kissed her and wiped her tears away at the same time, hoping she wouldn't notice that way. She had told him before that his kisses were quite distracting, and that she loved to melt against him like that. Especially when they were making love - she always preferred to look him in the eye during sex, so he could always close the distance between them and link their lips, increasing the sensations even more. "What did you talk about with her?"

"How much more do you want your ego stroked?"

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. She turned around fully in his arms when another flash illuminated the room, her hand pulling him close.

"Just you," she breathed, her voice shaking a little. "How beautiful you are, sweet, loyal. I knew she wouldn't understand anything I said. It just… felt right." She looked at him. "You told me to talk about you to her."

"I didn't expect you to actually do it."

"Right."

"I would have done the same, I think. She does have pretty awesome parents."

She chuckled and he could tell she was rolling her eyes. 

"Enough stroking your ego. You're full of yourself."

"It's because of you, my sweet. I get to wake up beside you every day and the only way that should be possible is if I'm awesome, too."

"You're an insufferable fool, Phil Coulson."

"True. I'm  _ your _ insufferable fool, though." He reached for her hand, kissed the tips of her fingers and then put her hand over his heart. "I'm forever yours, Melinda May."

She looked at him in the dark, and a flash of lightning flooded her face with light. He had seen that look on her before - she wasn't sure whether to hit him or kiss him, the latter which was closer at the moment. 

"Phil… I hate thunder."

He nodded. "I know."

"It's usually better with you."

"I know."

"Everything is these days?"

"Is that a bad thing?"

She thought about it. He knew she hated to be dependent on someone, like someone else was responsible for her own happiness. But they both knew she had been unable to make herself happy, her mind had only pulled her down. It hadn't been her fault. 

He always felt the need to make her happy. Always had. She was his soulmate long before either of them had realized it. He guessed he was hers, too.

Another flash.

"I guess not."

Within seconds, another flash appeared, thunder followed suit, lightning striking probably far too close. Melinda gave a loud yelp and dove even further into his hold.

"Phil! Make love to me! Do something!"

He stifled his giggle as he brushed her hair out of her face. She was endearing like this, despite the things she had propositioned. 

"Well, damn,  _ Jackie _ ! I can't control the weather!"

She frowned at him with those expressive eyes, contrary to popular belief, baring her entire soul to whoever was worthy enough. Apparently, that was him.

"Thanks, Kelso," she deadpanned, then laughed and kissed him, transferring the pleasant vibrations from her lips and chest to his, making him smile against her. He had her sleep shirt halfway across her chest when the door flew open and Amy was in their bed, in between them, before they could blink.

"Scared!" she exclaimed, and dove underneath the covers when another lightning strike showed itself. Coulson was only a little disappointed when Melinda straightened her PJ's. (He was still a man and if his woman had preferred sex as the way to distract herself from the storm, he would be stupid to say no.)

"C'mere, baby girl," Coulson said, as he pulled Amelia into his arms. She was shaking like a leaf, much like her mother, and there were fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I'm scared, Daddy."

"I know, baby. It's okay. I'll take care of you, remember? I won't let the storm hurt you."

"It's so loud."

"It is. But we're safe inside the house. I promise."

Amy didn't seem quite reassured by this, so she looked over her shoulder towards her mother. Melinda always had the right answers, but the girl couldn't know this was the one instance in which her superhero Mom couldn't help.

"I'm scared too, baby girl. It's okay."

"You're scared, Mommy?" Amy knew Melinda May was rarely scared. "You're never scared."

"All superheroes have a weakness," Coulson butted in, before Melinda would say or do anything that she would regret. Besides, he wanted their daughter to have the best image of her mother as remotely possible. "For example, Batman is scared of bats."

Amy frowned at that, looked at her mother. Melinda rolled her eyes with a slight smile on her lips. 

"If he's Batman, why is he scared of bats?" Melinda asked, playing along. 

"Well, I'm glad you asked," Coulson said, starting his long rant. Amy kept looking at her mother in amusement, as Melinda was making these adorable faces of boredom, annoyance, anything of the sort. He knew she secretly loved it when he geeked out. "As a child, Bruce Wayne was pushed into a pit of bats. After his training, he chose the name Batman to make criminals of Gotham city scared, too."

"But they're not as scared as he is of bats."

"It was about fear, really, not specifically bats. You have to have read the comics."

"Right."

Amy chuckled and turned around, burying her face against her mother's chest. They probably didn't notice, but the storm had picked up in intensity. He wouldn't point this out, however.

"Daddy is a Greek, right, Mommy?"

Melinda laughed while brushing Amy's face, hair to the sides, the corners of the girl's lips upwards (something Melinda loved to do and almost always worked in making Amy smile).

"You mean, a geek?"

Amy nodded. From Coulson's perspective, he could see the clear admiration and love on the girl's face. He loved being able to see this love between mother and daughter, somehow both an extension of himself. The toddler, an extension of his DNA; the woman, an extension of his heart, his soul, his everything. They both owned big chunks of his heart. He had no intention of claiming them back.

"Daddy is definitely a geek, yes."

The two girls laughed and giggled and cuddled each other closer and Coulson felt like it wasn't his place to get in this moment, so he made sure they were fine, before getting up and checking on little Thomas.

The boy was fussy and Coulson was certain the fear of thunder had transferred from Melinda to both their kids, but when he approached, he had already smelled the dirty diaper.

"You're a champ, aren't you, little monkey?"

Thomas reacted to his father's voice, his fussing reduced to mere sobbing, until Coulson had changed the diaper and Thomas was out like a light again, not at all fazed by the storm raging outside. Coulson smiled and closed the door quietly behind him when he left. Like father, like son. Like mother, like daughter. 

Daisy was snoring loudly with her phone on her pillow right by her head. He smiled, connected the phone to her charger (put the phone on silent, because it was Sunday tomorrow and she deserved to sleep in. She would kill him later.) Kissed her forehead, turned off the lights in her room and returned to the master bedroom. 

Melinda and Amy were already asleep, arms wrapped around each other almost exactly like he had left them.

He sighed in relief. 

They were safe.

His family was safe.

That was all that mattered these days.

~...~

On the day Thomas turned nine months, May was moved from her heavy antidepressants onto the lightest one possible in her situation. Somehow, she already felt much better after the switch, even though she knew it would take a while for any actual changes to occur. Although she felt slightly nauseous, but that was probably just side effects.

In any case, it felt good to be able to sleep in and have Phil stay by her side, to not have to rush out and get her medication before her mood would turn. She could take these with her breakfast, so there was no rush.

It was cute but also kind of sad how much May's medication was ingrained into Amy's head. This three year old girl would ask her mother if she had taken her pills and if she was doing okay during breakfast. Amy had continued to make sure her mother was provided with enough sandwiches, even if they were exactly what you would expect a three year old to picture as being a sandwich. 

"You okay, Mommy?"

May pulled Amy into her arms after placing the newest sandwich on the coffee table. 

"I'm doing better, baby girl. You've been such a good help."

"You're welcome, Mommy."

May smiled at the sass and brushed the girl's cheeks.

"I want a dog, Mommy."

"Of course you do."

"But I've been such a good help, Mommy. I deserve a doggy."

"I'll discuss it with Daddy, alright?"

Amy pouted and averted her eyes. May wanted her daughter to have whatever she wanted but May was also uncertain whether she would be able to deal with having a dog around, on top of a baby requiring all of her attention and just getting off her meds, for the most part. But Phil was here, too, and she knew he would help out wherever he could. He had proven that time and time again.

"She wants a dog," May stated as she watched Phil prepare himself for bed. She had to admit, she didn't like seeing him put on his PJ's, even if the level of intimacy was pleasant. She preferred him naked in their bed, but it had proven to be awkward in the past so now he wore at least a shirt and briefs. (She had gotten him out of them often, though. That was one plus side of him wearing clothes to bed was that she could  _ undress _ him.)

He looked at her and frowned. "Who? Daisy?"

"Amy. I think I somehow convinced her she deserves one because she has been good."

"Well, her behavior has improved lately."

"Doesn't mean she should get a dog."

He chuckled and lifted the covers, slipping under them and reaching for her almost instinctively. She sighed in bliss as she put her head on his chest.

"I don't think I can deal with a dog, Phil," she whispered. She slipped her hand underneath his shirt, brushing his belly, effectively starting the undressing process. She would get there.

"Then we don't get her a dog."

"She really wants one, though."

He looked down at her with a smile and a frown. "Exactly which side do you want me to take, Melinda?"

She chuckled and rolled her eyes. 

"You always know what to do." She had turned to him what must be a million times in her life, for advice or just supportive words. She was abusing his kindness in that way, but he had never complained once.

He was quiet for a while and she kept looking at him. She saw the wheels turn in his head, heard them almost, and left him to it. 

"I mean, I always wanted a dog," he started off. "I know, it's not really helping. If you don't want a dog, we're not getting one. Your well-being is most important."

She nodded. "I don't want a dog."

"Then we're not getting a dog."

He seemed disappointed, though. Dammit. She would give in eventually, wouldn't she?

~...~

Phil had told Daisy, obviously. She showed May way more cute dog videos than she had done before, and she had already been sending May loads of cute dog videos to begin with. May didn't have the heart to tell Daisy that there wasn't going to be any dog coming to their house.

Amy suddenly started doing chores around the house, although not very well, which was to be expected from a toddler. May caught her putting the laundry in the washing machine, standing on top of the thing, and throwing everything inside it at once.

"Oh, Amy, baby, I appreciate you helping but we need to separate colors when doing the laundry."

"Is all color."

"If we put your red dress with Daddy's white shirt, it will turn pink."

"Cool!"

May smiled softly, unloaded everything and showed her the proper way to do this. Whites, blacks, colors separate. Underwear and towels separate. Amy picked it up quite quickly, although May would still not allow her to do the laundry by herself.

When they were done, May picked up Amy (her back protesting because man, she was old and Amy was getting big) and was met by eager arms and lips. 

"Daddy said if I helped with cores, we would get a dog!"

"Oh, did he now?"

Amy nodded enthusiastically and babbled on about how much she loved May and how much she wanted a dog.

All May could think about was… was she really being Scrooge here? Everyone wanted a dog so much, and she knew they were capable of taking care of one without much help from her. She had barely contributed to this household except feed Tommy and be a dark cloud looming over everyone. 

She didn't want a dog. But if this was what she could do to repay them for their years of love and trust?

Fuck it. They were getting a dog.

Amy jumped up and down in excitement and Phil was pretty close to that, too. May kept her hand on Tommy's back, the boy safely strapped into the baby carrier around her torso. He was fighting sleep, especially with his mother's chest so close. May wondered how he could be sleepy with all these dogs barking around them.

God. She didn't like dogs. They were unpredictable and gross and she wondered how her family had convinced her to get one in the first place. She wished Daisy would have been here because no matter the young woman's love for dogs, she would usually take May's side. Phil was too stubborn for that.

"I'm so excited!" Phil practically exclaimed. He was holding Amy's hand to make sure she stayed close, although through the girl's enthusiasm, May could tell she was a bit frightened by all the sounds. They had to get a quiet dog, mainly for the kids but secretly for May because she didn't want to have a barking dog around her all day long. "Oooooh Melinda, I've always wanted a dog!"

She just took in a deep breath, bowed her head to get a good sniff of Tommy's head (he smelled like baby, and she was positively addicted) and followed the lovely lady from the rescue shelter.

"So I see you have two young grandkids, so perhaps we'll set you up with some family dogs?"

May frowned - Phil was already lost somewhere, peeking into each cage with Amy. 

"They're our kids."

"Oooh, I'm so sorry, Ma'am!" The woman ranted her apologies and excuses and May just sighed and shrugged. 

Honestly, it wasn't the first time this kind of thing happened. Especially while she was walking with Daisy, and Amy had been younger, people often assumed May was the grandmother and Daisy the mother. They didn't mean harm but it was still rather annoying to have to explain herself every time, until she realized that she didn't owe anyone an explanation.

"Do you have a breed in mind, Mrs. Coulson?"

"No, not really. We would just prefer a dog that doesn't bark a lot." Perhaps this woman would frown now and tell them that they shouldn't be choosing a dog, because dogs make noise after all and if they weren't willing to put up with the noise, a dog wouldn't be a good fit. But she saw Phil at the end of the corridor practically drooling in front of a cage, Amy on his hip, and she realized she was doing this for them. So she decided to throw in a little white lie. "This little one is a little sensitive to loud noise."

The woman did frown now, looking around at their surroundings, dogs barking and growling at the top of their lungs, and Thomas was asleep by now. This woman didn't need to know about May's depression. She had no right to know.

"Mrs. Coulson, if you're not ready for a dog…"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it, if I may ask?"

She may not. But dammit, Phil and Amy deserved this, Daisy, too, so she just needed to suck it up. 

"I'm sensitive to noise. I have a depression."

"Oh, Mrs. Coulson, why didn't you say so? In that case, we have the perfect dog for you! Follow me!"

Phil seemed to have heard the woman and joined them with a questioning expression. She shook her head and followed the woman, heavy heart and all.

Why was it so hard to feel happy nowadays? She was used to the feeling, sure, but whenever she saw Phil like he had been just minutes before, almost childlike in his glee, she realized she could never feel that way, doubted she ever could in the future. He made her days worthwhile, made her smile in the mornings, made her heart beat, and so did their kids, but she couldn't ignore the fact that all that was outside interference. She couldn't manage to make herself happy again. 

"So this is Nugget, a five year old Border Collie. He's very calm and he's been known to calm some of our volunteers when they were feeling anxious. He's very good with kids, too."

Nugget. Amy chuckled at the name and Phil smiled brightly. He put the toddler down who rushed to the bars of the cage. The dog seemed a little timid, not jumping up to greet them, but he seemed interested in the new company, because he did raise his head.

"Nugget!" Amy exclaimed, jumping up and down on her tiny feet, her pigtails dancing by the side of her face. "He's so cute!"

"He likes to feel out the situation. His previous owners weren't very kind to him. He's just waiting for a family to give him the love he deserves."

"Sounds familiar," Phil whispered as he passed her, and she glared at him. He gently pushed her towards the cage with a hand on her lower back and she simply sighed and gave in.

Whatever. She was just getting this damn dog because her family wanted her to.

Okay. He was quite cute. Black and white, cute little eyes looking at her as though he was pleading with her, begging her to take him out of here.

He got up after a few moments, sniffing her through the bars, and Amy looked in wonder at what was happening.

"He likes you, Mommy!"

Nugget whimpered a little, pushing his head through the bars but not quite fitting. He sat and looked at her, and it felt like he was looking into her soul, like he was trying to see how she was feeling, what her damage was. She lowered herself onto one knee, a hand on Tommy's back. Nugget jumped up again and sniffed close to her face, then barked just once to let his enthusiasm be known.

"He does seem to like you," the woman from the shelter said. "But there's no pressure. We prefer you think about this decision and decide not to adopt than changing your mind later."

May nodded. She looked up at Phil. He was merely smiling at her, knowingly. 

Dammit. She hated dogs.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not: I have been too busy reading books to be updating this story. Which is a sentence I never thought I would say, considering I never really cared much for reading books, but now I've read like 5 books this month and I'm starting the 6th and I can't stop. I don't know who this person I see in the mirror is, either! (Also, is anyone really surprised that of the 9 books I've finished this year, 7 are Star Wars books? The others are HP7 and The Handmaid's Tale, so, still a nerd, I guess.)  
> Also, some people have been asking about whether we would see some more of Tommy, and I promise, there will be a little shift in the story in due time. When Amy was a baby, she was basically all May had aside from Daisy, but now that Tommy's here, she has Amy, Phil, Daisy and even Nugget and it's very difficult to have some alone time with him. Or at least, that's how I imagine it to be, lol. Anyway, just hang on tight, there will be a little more focus on Tommy in the future!

The shelter had assured them that they had time to think about this decision, and that they would keep Nugget apart for the time being so no one else would be able to adopt him.

Amy couldn't stop talking about him, enthusing to her big sister about how cute he was and that he had sniffed her mother and 'that must mean that he wanted them to adopt him, right?'

May's stomach felt heavy. She was nauseous with this weight on her shoulders - she could make or break this deal, because the others had already made up their minds. 

"Hey," Phil whispered, holding her hair back as she had just emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. "We can always say no."

She felt frustrated, tears building up in her eyes.  _ Fuck, Melinda, get yourself together. You're not this pathetic. _

"You want to adopt him, though."

He nodded. He handed her a damp towel and she cleaned up her face.

"But I have already said, your wellbeing is more important to me than a dog. Hey. You know that, right?"

She nodded weakly. Of course she knew, that wasn't the reason she was holding back. She didn't even really know why she was holding back. 

"You know what? Forget about the dog."

"No!" May said out of nowhere, surprising Phil, who backed away a little to look at her. "No, don't. We'll get him. I'm sorry I doubted."

"No, Melinda. Don't say yes just for me."

"I'm not. You all deserve that dog. I'll be fine."

He brushed her hair out of her face, a little damp somehow. She would definitely be taking a shower soon. She focused on him quickly.

"Are you sure?"

"Will you be taking care of him?" Because she knew she wouldn't be able to deal with another being, animal or not, who depended on her. She couldn't even take care of herself anymore.

"Of course. He'll be my pet project." He looked at her intently, then tilted his head just ever so slightly to the side. “Pun definitely intended.”

She had to fight to keep her eye-roll in. She looked at him and realized, she would say yes a thousand more times if it meant that he would be happy and content. She wanted him to be happy. He  _ deserved _ to be happy.

Amy couldn't stop yelling and jumping up and down when Phil and May told her the good news. She hugged May tightly and thanked her. This would be worth it, in the long run.

~...~

The next day, they made preparations for the adoption, and everyone was psyched. Well, everyone except Melinda May, of course. She kept her protests in. Perhaps she would end up liking the dog. 

"I hope Nugget likes my treats!" Amy said as she prepared her little 'Nugget corner', complete with a dog bed, dog toys, everything he could ever wish for. 

May had smiled briefly at the sight, loving that her girl was such an animal lover - even if it was for a  _ dog _ .

May had been grumpy all morning. Phil hadn't given it that name, hadn't touched upon her depression either, but she wouldn't dare blame that for this bad mood. No, this was all her. They would be picking up Nugget today and she was truly dreading the moment when her house would be invaded by the dog, leaving hair wherever he went. May had to have faith in Phil because he had promised her that he would be taking care of the dog and she would only need to give it love, the same love that 'she had given all of them', whatever that meant.

To top it all off, she had thrown up again that morning, her anxieties probably causing her nausea, and she truly hated waking up like that. She preferred to stay in Phil's arms a little longer, but she had not been given that pleasure on this fateful day.

She wished she had stayed in bed. But the joyful looks of her husband and kids as they drove to the shelter with their newly purchased leash and one toy, cheered her up a little. She had to remember what she was doing this for, and it wasn't herself. She had to stop being so selfish.

"Maybe he'll remember us!" Amy exclaimed, the entire morning unable to lower her voice to an acceptable level. May had asked her multiple times to use her inside voice and the girl had agreed but had continued to yell in her excitement. Just for today, May would let her.

Daisy and Amy discussed Nugget in the backseat, Thomas between them in his car seat looking at them with those beautiful wide eyes, while May stared out of the window while she sat in the passenger seat. Phil's hand held onto hers gently while they were waiting for a traffic light - it reminded her of their little getaway weekend a few weeks ago, except she had felt happier and less anxious. 

"It'll be okay, Melinda. I promise."

She nodded at him with a faint smile. She knew that. He would make sure everything would turn out just great. 

"There you are! Look at this beautiful family!" the same woman from before greeted them as they entered the shelter, Thomas once again in a sling against May's chest, this time with his back against her front because he had just had his nap and he would only fuss if he couldn't see any of his surroundings. Amy was hanging between Phil and Daisy. "Are you ready to take Nugget home, Amelia?"

"Yes! I brought snacks!"

"Well isn't he a lucky boy! Come with me!"

Phil let go of Amy because the girl was practically a bullet fired from a gun, but she still dragged her big sister along with her who didn't complain once. Phil joined May and linked their hands, kissing the top of Tommy's head. He didn't say anything, didn't need to. His presence was a comfort to her and she loved him for it. He knew what he could offer her in terms of comfort and he didn't shy away from offering it. 

By the time they had caught up with Daisy and Amy, Nugget was already up and wagging his tail enthusiastically at the visitors. 

"I think he recognizes you, Amycita!" Daisy said happily, kneeling so she was at the same level as Amy. "Hey there, Nugget. I'm Daisy."

The woman from the shelter, who had introduced herself as Maureen and whom May hadn't really dared to call by name in fear of making this all real and permanent, appeared with a bunch of papers.

"He's neutered, up to date with his vaccinations. This is his family tree and passport." Maureen looked at Phil and her, then down to baby Tommy. She squeezed his little chubby hand and May didn't even feel angry at the woman. She totally understood - May had brought two chubby babies into the world and she had been unable to not point out the chubbiness while she was ranting about her beautiful babies. Amy hadn't stayed chubby so May held hope Tommy wouldn't, either. "Last chance to back out, Mrs. Coulson."

She said it in a teasing way because she knew May was the only one who wasn't fully on board with this whole adopting thing, but May looked to her side to find Phil looking at her anxiously. Okay. She had to accept the fact that she didn't want a dog but her family did and she had to live with that. 

Perhaps she could convince them to get a cat now, too. She was more of a cat person anyway, they were calm and collected and honestly, didn't give a fuck about your feelings. It suited May better.

"I'm good."

Phil smiled brightly and kissed her cheek. He took the papers and went over some final details with Maureen while May walked over to her daughters.

"Mel, you were right, he's so cute," Daisy said, looking up at her.

"Didn't say anything."

"True, but you wouldn't be adopting him if he wasn't."

Maureen opened the cage door and Nugget immediately jumped up, spun a few circles, then rushed out of the cage and towards them. Well, her.

Fuck. He started jumping up against her almost immediately and she knew he was just happy to see her, perhaps he knew he was being adopted and was getting out of here. His nose brushed Thomas's foot and May spun around quickly, walking away, her breathing instantly off, and Tommy started crying, probably because he felt his mother's fears and responded to it.

She wasn't scared of dogs, was she? Perhaps a little. She hadn't even thought about it before then. Didn't matter. They wouldn't be adopting this dog.

"Mel!" she heard Phil yell as she left. She didn't stop for anything, not until she had reached their car and tried to open the door and only then realized that Phil had the keys.

"Fuck!"

She felt lightheaded, her breathing was still off, so she took in deep breaths exactly like Sarah had taught her ages ago. She hadn't needed to use this for a while now. She must be having a relapse. She should be getting back on her meds.

Daisy came out of the shelter and didn't even look for her, knowing where she could find May.

"You okay?"

"No."

"Need some help?"

"No."

"Okay."

Daisy crossed her arms and looked at her intently. May wondered briefly why Phil hadn't come out, but perhaps he knew he wouldn't be making her anxiety any better. Daisy would still pick her side on this whole dog thing, Phil had already fallen in love with Nugget. 

"Want me to take Tommy?"

Daisy didn't even wait for a response, just unhooked the shoulder clasps of the baby carrier so the flap opened and took the crying baby in her arms. She instantly started bouncing him up and down while May lowered herself until she was squatting, leaning against the car. 

It was just a fucking dog, Melinda May. You've been up against men thrice your size, aliens, Gods - you can handle a dog.

"You know, it's okay to be scared."

"I'm not scared."

"Okay."

This position was good, though. She could take deep breaths and her head wasn't spinning as much anymore. She remained down there for a few more minutes before coming up slowly and looking at Daisy.

Tommy had calmed down by now, too, and he was holding on to his big sister with those chubby little hands, his deep brown eyes looking around himself in curiosity.

"Welcome back."

May rolled her eyes and took back Thomas. He smiled at her and wiggled a little, tapping his hands against her chest.

"So, what was that really about? Because the Melinda May I know wouldn't let a dog get to her like that."

"It's just the dog."

"Right."

"I think I need to get back on my meds."

"You think that? Or does your depression think that? Because  _ I _ think you were doing fine until we started this Nugget process."

"What are you saying, Daisy?"

"Are you okay, Melinda? And this is a serious question, so I want a serious answer."

"Dai-"

"Because the last time you were off your meds and you weren't doing well, I found Coulson in the bathroom holding your lifeless body and I really,  _ really _ , want to prevent that from happening again. I think you do, too. If only for this chubby buddy. You promised me that you would tell me or Phil if you weren't doing well when you stopped your meds."

May sighed and averted her eyes. Daisy always saw through May's bullshit. Perhaps Phil did, too, but he wouldn't always say something about it. Daisy had been with her from the very start, though, since Phil had died. Daisy knew her almost as well as Phil did.

"Do I need to worry, Mel?"

May shook her head. She would be fine. And anyway, Phil had hid the knives the first few days after she had stopped her meds.

"I just… don't feel well. I feel overwhelmed. But… that's nothing you or Phil can help me with, because you're already doing all you can to help me."

"Not feeling well as in…?"

"Nauseous. Anxious. Sarah warned me any anxiety would be amplified when I was off my meds, but she wasn't exaggerating."

"Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Is there anything I can do to help with that?"

May shrugged. Not getting that damn dog. But then she wouldn't be seeing her family quite as happy as she had just minutes before and she wanted that for them, and she had the feeling that perhaps seeing them this happy would relieve some of her anxiety.

"We'll take it slow, Mel," Daisy reassured her. "But it's obvious that dog likes you. You know Phil and I will do all the hard work."

"Like you've always done." That's what May hated herself for, because she was the mother in this family and she should at least be contributing half as much as Phil was.

"Yeah, because you were rightfully occupied. Mel, you don't have to blame yourself for us taking the reins. You just have to focus on yourself for now, okay? And maybe in the future, when you're feeling a bit more like yourself again, you can help us out a little. But only when you're ready."

Daisy was very serious, had been since stepping out of that building. May knew the woman cared for her, for all of them. It felt reassuring, really.

"Thanks."

"No problem. Let's go back inside." Daisy helped May get the baby back in the baby carrier and then kissed May's cheek quickly. "I'm proud of you."

May smiled and wrapped an arm around her briefly to let her know how much Daisy's support actually meant to her. 

"Fair warning, Nugget is a bloodthirsty monster," Daisy said, her tone already different from the one she had used to reassure May.

They found Amy sitting on the ground playing with Nugget, and it was obvious he liked her a lot, and that he was being careful with her. Amy was a tough girl, though, she could manage a dog like this. Even though May's heart was frozen in her chest at the sight.

Phil was relieved to see May and kissed her deeply but briefly, never allowing himself to do that in public because he knew how much she hated it. This was an exception, however. She didn't push him away.

"Let's round up this paperwork so we can take Nugget home," May said, making everyone smile. She would do the right thing for these amazing people. For Phil, Daisy, Amy and even Tommy - they deserved this breath of fresh air. She had held them down long enough.

Nugget was more cautious around her when they got home, which made her think he was exactly as empathetic as Amy and knew exactly how she was feeling. May already felt herself opening up to him.

~...~

Coulson hadn't lied when he had told Melinda he would take care of Nugget. He knew he was the sole caretaker of that dog and he took it very seriously.

Amy loved Nugget. The two had such an undeniable bond, even after a mere week, and it made Coulson so happy to see his little girl this happy. He didn't let her walk Nugget alone, however, considering he had more strength than her if he really wanted to, and could easily injure Amy without meaning to. Didn't mean she didn't ask or try.

He had left Melinda in their bed earlier that morning after making sure she was alright, then had set out in search of Nugget for his morning walk.

"Nugget, buddy, let's go for a walk!"

Normally, that would be followed by enthusiastic taps on the floor by an equally enthusiastic dog ready to face the day. No such thing that morning. "Nugget?"

He checked most of the corners, underneath the couch, but couldn't find Nugget anywhere.

That was, until Amelia strutted through the front door, followed suit by none other than Nugget, both looking satisfied with themselves. 

"Amy."

"Morning, Daddy! Nugget pooped and peed!"

Coulson had to resist the urge to grab her and talk some sense into her. This toddler didn't understand the dangers walking this big dog all by herself could bring. She just wanted to help out and she had. 

"Amy, come here."

Her face fell a little and she dropped the leash, leaving Nugget confused in front of the door.

"I helped, Daddy."

"I know, baby girl. But I never want you to walk Nugget all by yourself again, okay? I know you're too young to understand this. I know Nugget is your friend. But he's also very strong and if he starts running…" He didn't want to think about that scenario. He had to have faith that Nugget wouldn't hurt Amy, but Coulson couldn't be helped protecting her from those scenarios. "Just promise me you'll get me or Daisy when you want to walk him in the morning, okay? I appreciate you trying to help but I want one of us to be there."

"How about Mommy, Daddy?"

"Just promise me."

"Why won't Mommy walk Nugget?"

"Because Mommy isn't feeling so good at the moment."

"She never is, Daddy. Does Mommy not love Nugget?"

"Of course she does, Amy. Just not as much as we do. I think Mommy might be a little scared of Nugget, but you and I know he wouldn't hurt Mommy. She'll figure it out eventually, I promise. Now, can we go back to your promise, please?"

"What promise?"

"That you'll get me or Daisy if you want to walk Nugget in the morning."

"I don't want to wake you, Daddy."

"It's fine, baby girl. You can wake me up if you need something. Just let Mommy sleep."

"Okay, Daddy. Then I promise."

"Thank you, Amy. Now why don't you go give Nugget his breakfast and I'll go check up on Mommy again. And nothing above the red line in the measuring cup, okay, otherwise he'll get fat."

Amy chuckled and nodded, gave him a kiss on his cheek and left, Nugget following her this time, his leash dragging behind him. Coulson reached out as the dog passed and removed the leash, before getting up and moving back upstairs to check on Melinda.

She hated it when he did that. And yet, he had to keep doing it, because he didn't want to find her like he had done that night. 

Melinda was still asleep and Coulson smiled, she was happiest like this, a soft smile on her face, her features softened. He only sometimes managed to make her look like this during the day. 

He heard Daisy walking down the stairs and knew that two of their three smallest rascals would be alright. 

He slipped in the bed and pulled Melinda against his chest, spooning her. She sighed in her sleep and he closed his eyes. Perhaps he could catch some more sleep…


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. I didn't think it had been this long but then I logged onto AO3 again and saw that the last update was August 22nd. My god. I'm so sorry, y'all. Hopefully, to make up for the long wait, this chapter will be extra long!  
> Just as a general warning, this chapter is both cathartic and emotional, as May will be undergoing a tubal ligation, or in other words, she'll have her tubes tied. She'll be visiting a fertility center with all of the added weight that might bring so if that triggers you, you can probably best skip this chapter. Stay save out there!  
> Hope everyone's been doing well since the last time we saw each other! I'm doing well, except for the fact that we will have to put down our dog tomorrow, so I'm trying to otherwise stay extra positive because I can feel myself slipping. Don't worry, I'll be fine! And she had a good life, lived longer than most of her breed, and she could spend all those years as the lazy dog that she was. She'll be going someplace better, but it sure does make this year a bit worse, too.

May felt Phil against her back first thing in the morning. She loved waking up like this. She wanted to turn around in his arms and kiss him but she would probably wake him, and he deserved some rest. So she stayed still, linking their hands and closing her eyes again. 

But then there was a rush of nausea that attacked her just a few minutes into her peaceful moment with sleeping Phil, and she groaned when she carefully slipped out from underneath his arm and ran to the toilet.

She would lose even more weight this way, as though her depression hadn't already caused her to lose more weight than she should. She wondered why she was even nauseous to begin with but realized, she had only been taking different medication for little over a week and she was still probably suffering from side effects. 

She heard the door open and saw Phil standing there. He would normally hold her hair but she was already finished, which left her opportunity to look at him. He looked worried.

"Mel?"

"It's probably side effects."

"Alright."

He assisted her with cleaning up, and they shamelessly took a quick shower together before they went on their daily routines. While Phil went to Thomas, May checked up on Amy who had found the TV remote Phil had tried to hide the evening before, Nugget on the couch beside her. They seemed to be cuddled up. May ignored the anxiety that dared to flare up at that sight.

"Good morning, baby girl."

"Mommy! Good morning!"

May leaned over the back rest to kiss Amy on the top of her head but the girl looked up and May ended up kissing her cheek instead.

"What are you watching?"

Daisy had somehow password protected all channels Amy had no business watching while she was alone, and this filter was so large it even included news channels, so only a handful of channels were leftover for Amy to watch. She usually chose the same one over and over again.

"Paw Patrol!"

"Ah, and how is Marshall doing today?"

This question only served to set off an endless toddler rant about everything that had happened so far in the episode, and Amy didn't even notice when May went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. She could still hear Amy, though, and it made her smile briefly. May should have seen the signs - this girl had been obsessed with Paw Patrol pretty much most of her life so them getting a dog shouldn't be much of a surprise. 

May heard Daisy loudly yawning and Amy directed her stream of words at her instead. Just at that moment, Phil came into the kitchen holding a fussy Thomas. 

"Just his breakfast," Phil teased, yet his face wasn't set on teasing. He still looked worried. 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just… you've been nauseous constantly for a while now and I… I guess I'm just worried about you, is all."

May took Thomas from him and sat down, rearranging her shirt so Thomas could feed. Amy had already switched to infant formula at this age. May hoped Tommy would keep loving this for as long as possible.

"I called Sarah."

"You what?"

"I just wanted to make sure that these side effects are normal, Melinda, because they didn't seem to be. She, uh, confirmed as much."

"What are you saying, Phil? That I'm sick?"

"I don't know, Melinda. I kind of panicked at first but then I thought back to our conversation at the hotel…"

She knew which one he meant immediately, because she always knew what he was thinking. He was talking about her ridiculous question concerning a pregnancy, one she had known was stupid when she had asked it and continued to find it ridiculous now.

"It can't…" No, it couldn't. It was far from unlikely by now, it was  _ impossible _ . It was just some side-effects from her change of medication. 

Phil nodded and continued breakfast where she had left off, and while leaving everything to simmer, left the room and returned with three boxes full of pregnancy tests. Her hands were shaking as she took them from him.

No. It wasn't possible. Like, at all. Where was the limit? Would she be having kids well into her seventies? She would love every single one, sure, but she doubted her body would be able to cope. How much would she be able to deal with?

Phil took Tommy from her, the boy was meant to be her last baby, and now there was a chance she would be having another one?

She took the tests quickly, no sense in drawing out the inevitable. (She always forgot how messy those were.)

Fuck. She looked at the tests, many minutes after the result had shown up. Fuck. She was pregnant.  _ Again _ .

"Mel?"

The door hadn't been locked and Phil knew that. He stepped inside, Tommy no doubt with his sisters now, and closed the door behind him.

"Fuck, Phil," she whispered, her voice trembling. 

She looked at him while tears were blurring her view. He reached out and held her hands, before pulling her into his arms.

"How…?"

But that was a question that would never be answered in their lives. Did a God exist? Must be. He must be supplying them all these miracles. Because otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten together, Phil would still be dead, and Melinda May wouldn't be pregnant with her third baby at 55.

Phil didn't know what to say, neither did May. So they just held each other, because they knew how to do that. His hand was on her belly and she focused on that feeling. She wouldn't believe it, not yet, that there was another baby growing in her belly right now, because she knew that this one was much riskier than the other two combined. The baby probably wouldn't make it, she knew that, too. She felt nauseous again just because of the anxiety and fears bubbling up inside her - she rushed to the toilet and knelt in front of it for far too long, Phil brushing her hair out of her face and brushing her back.

"Phil…"

"We just see where it takes us," he whispered, brushing the rest of her but avoiding her belly for now. "I will love you no matter what. I already told you back then."

"How is this possible, Phil?"

"My guess is as good as yours. Perhaps someone up there really heard our wishes."

She wasn't sure if she wanted this anymore. She wasn't sure if she had wanted this in the first place. Not Amy or Tommy, she had wanted them, but this third one, this impossible one, when her family had been perfect already. (She would go to hell for thinking that.)

"I'm scared, Phil."

"Hey. It's alright. No matter what happens, you'll have us by your side, okay? We'll always support you no matter what."

"But the baby will die."

He pulled away slightly and held her face in his hands, gently yet insistently cradling her cheeks. Just like he had done in that hotel.

"We have to be realistic, yes, but there's no reason to assume the worst before we know all the facts. Look me at, Melinda. We'll get through this, one way or another. Okay?"

She nodded weakly. She didn't have much fight left in her. 

"You're strong," he whispered. His eyes seemed to pull her in, into what she wasn't sure. His soul, perhaps. "You're so strong, Melinda. You can do this. Let's just take this one step at a time. We'll get some breakfast in you first."

She let him pull her up and she secretly wished she could just keep hanging on to him, could support on him physically like that for all eternity, but they had a household to run. She stood on her own feet eventually. 

"I love you, Mel," he whispered, guiding her to one of the kitchen chairs. Phil called Daisy and Amy to breakfast and Tommy was put in the high chair. Daisy could definitely tell something was wrong with May but didn't press it. Instead, she just kissed her mother on the cheek.

"Morning, Mel. Love you."

May had lost all appetite. For the first time in weeks, she dove back into bed after breakfast. 

~...~

Daisy stared after May when the woman had left without a word to go upstairs. 

May had been doing relatively well considering everything. She had been spending more time with them, had managed to stay out of bed during the day and play with Amy instead. This sudden relapse didn't sit well with Daisy, not after clearly hearing May throw up just that morning. Not to mention the anxiety attack from earlier that week when they had picked up Nugget from the shelter.

Phil just shook his head when she looked his way. She felt anger flare up inside her, these two were keeping something from her again and she would not have it this time!

"What's up?"

"The opposite of down."

Fucking know-it-all! She usually loved his stupid dad jokes but not today, not right now. She needed to know the truth.

His expression changed and he pressed his lips in a thin line. He seemed to have understood that his joke hadn't landed well.

"May's just not doing so well, Daisy. That's all."

"Coulson, she's depressed. She's never well. This, however, is worse than 'not well'."

"It's nothing to be worried about."

"Too late."

He sighed and averted his eyes. He seemed to be battling a promise to May and the need to tell Daisy. He shook his head. "I can't tell you, Daisy."

"I have a right to know, Coulson!"

"She's pregnant."

Wait… what?

"We just found out. She… already assumes the worst. I can't let her go through more pain but this is out of my control."

"What do you mean, she's pregnant?"

"I mean, we took a pregnancy test and it came out positive."

"Wow." Daisy didn't know what to say. She knew Amy had already been a miracle, let alone Tommy, and now May was pregnant with a third baby? Should this even still be possible?

Didn't matter. She had to be there for May, whether she wanted to keep this baby or not. Whether the baby would survive… or not. She knew statistically, the last option was probably the most realistic, but then May had given birth safely to a healthy baby boy not even a year ago, and that had been deemed very unlikely, too.

She doubted May would want another baby.

"I'll check up on her."

"No, she'll know I told you."

"Then I'll pretend I found the tests. Where are they?"

They ended up going into the master bedroom together, finding May on top of the covers hugging her pillow close. She was just… laying there. Daisy had expected her to perhaps be crying, hyperventilating, she'd seen it all. She would never get used to seeing May not reacting to an emotional situation  _ at all _ .

Daisy had decided to talk to May because Phil wasn't really impartial - if May really was pregnant, he was biased because she was carrying his baby. May might be Daisy's mom, but she wasn't technically related to this baby.

"Mel?"

"Hmm."

"Hey, what's this I heard?" Daisy whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed and running a hand through May's hair. May didn't move a muscle. Daisy was well aware she had blown Phil's cover and would apologize to him at length. "You're pregnant?"

Phil sat down on the other side. His hand rested lightly on May's hip. 

"Mel?"

"I can't do it," she whispered. Daisy hadn't expected her to say anything at all. "I can't… go through all that again."

"Through what?"

May didn't respond and Daisy pushed her away a little so she could slip into the bed herself, her face inches away from May's.

"Everything, Daisy," May whispered. "The uncertainty, anxiety. The birth. I can't… can't do it."

"Okay," Daisy whispered. "Hey. That's okay. There's options. This is not the end of the world."

Phil wrapped his arm around May and the woman closed her eyes.

"I hate putting you through this," she whispered. Daisy shook her head.

"Hey. I'll always be there for you, May, you should know that by now. I'll never leave you, I promise."

They were all silent for a while, until they heard Tommy crying and Daisy looked at Phil for a moment, who nodded. He kissed May's cheek and left.

"What options were you talking about?"

"I think you know what I meant."

May thought of that. Daisy had never expected to be having this conversation with May, with anyone, really, but she also couldn't have expected May to get pregnant again. The woman was well in her fifties now. Daisy knew women who hadn't been fertile anymore as young as 35. Scientifically speaking, it should be impossible for May to still be able to conceive at this age. However, it also should be impossible that Phil Coulson was still here, so perhaps their lives were meant to be full of impossibilities. 

"It doesn't feel right."

"Why?" Daisy asked honestly, because at this point, it felt more suitable to end this pregnancy than continue it, only resulting in more pain.

"I've always wanted to have children, Daisy," May whispered. "It feels like I'm betraying my younger self."

"But you have children, Melinda. Two beautiful kids. You can be proud of that. The Melinda May who tried so hard to get pregnant would have thought it was enough. I know she would. And those two beautiful kids need their mother."

"Three," May whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"I have three beautiful kids."

Daisy's heart warmed and May smiled because it was probably visible on her face how much those words meant to her.

Daisy had always longed to be a part of something, a family. She'd had a symbolic family, in the team, Fitzsimmons as her siblings and Elena and Mack as aunt and uncle - yet now, she had an actual family, with May and Coulson as her parents and two adorable little siblings that she loved unconditionally. It meant the world to her that they let her be a part of their domestic bliss, even if it was overshadowed by May's depression.

"Aww, May," Daisy said in an attempt to mask her feelings, but May could definitely tell like she so often could. "I love you, Mel."

"I love you too, Daisy. It means so much to me to have your support."

"Of course. I always will support you."

They wrapped their arms around each other and lay like that for a while, silent, no words necessary. Until a thought popped into Daisy's head.

"Hey, May. I heard false positives are a thing."

May seemed to relax a little at that. Daisy would have never expected May to be so anxious and scared of a possible pregnancy, knowing how much the woman had wanted to have a child. Yet this instance was justified, because Daisy could tell May wouldn't be fully capable of having another child.

It was okay. The universe would forgive her, given the circumstances. 

That same afternoon, May was seen by her doctor because they both knew her mental history and wanted to prevent future nightmares from happening. May had asked Daisy to come, too, forcing Amy and Tommy to stay with Fitzsimmons. Not that any of them minded. 

"Mrs. Coulson, if I might ask, what is the best news you could be hearing now?"

"That's an odd direction this conversation is going," Daisy said. She saw both Coulson and May frown at her but didn't return their looks.

"I can tell she's anxious, that is why I want to know what advice to give her."

Daisy nodded in understanding and motioned for Dr. Chen to continue. She in turn looked back to May.

"I don't want to be pregnant."

"Then in that case, I have good news for you. You're not. It was a false positive. The current antidepressants you're on are known to raise certain hormones that are detected in pregnancy tests."

"Thank god," May whispered. Daisy looked to her and saw she and Coulson were already holding hands. Coulson looked only a little disappointed which confirmed Daisy's initial decision to talk to May instead of having him do it. They would be fine, eventually.

May already looked way better, relief washing over her face. Daisy took in a deep breath herself - she only wanted to see May happy, that was all that mattered.

"Now that that's out of the way, I do want to discuss your antidepressants. You're saying you've been excessively nauseous since the change?"

May nodded. 

"It's what worried us in the first place," Coulson explained. Dr. Chen nodded, too.

"I understand. Well, side effects are common when changing antidepressants, but they should usually lessen with time. Which makes me believe that this medication might not be it for you. But," the word drawn out while Dr. Chen was looking for a paper which she handed out to May, "you might be ready to stop your medication altogether? It's a big decision, I understand, but I've been talking to your psychiatrist and she thinks it might be time, too."

"I don't want to stop my medication, though."

"Alright, I get that. Just read the pamphlet at home and think about it. In the meantime, we'll keep you on these antidepressants and if your nausea doesn't go away within the next three weeks, contact me again. We'll look for an alternative."

May nodded and stood. Dr. Chen reached for one more flyer. 

"And take this. Think about it. Have a safe journey home you three, and enjoy the rest of your week."

Daisy looked at the flyer over May's shoulder while they drove home. May was keeping it hidden, but she mustn't know what was good for her because Daisy would find out eventually.

_ 'Permanent birth control' _

Daisy would convince May to go for it. She didn't want to see her stressed about something like this anymore. 

~...~

May was certain she would break Phil's heart with her latest decision, but he had simply held her close and whispered words of love and encouragement into her ear and it was alright. He had driven her to the clinic and had held her hand while they had walked inside the clinic.

Well, that was quite a battle. As expected, there were multiple protesters standing in front of the building with signs and flyers.

"Don't kill your baby, Ma'am. Think about what you're doing!"

Phil grabbed her hand tighter and pulled her with. She felt herself wanting to argue with them, but knew that was exactly the reason why Phil was putting a bit more force behind his actions. 

If only these people knew. She doubted that she could ever kill her own baby but she would also never stop any woman from doing this. These people didn't know the circumstances most women who came here were put in. They had no right to judge. 

"Just keep walking," Phil whispered, his voice still audible above the noise.

If Daisy or Amy were ever put into this situation, getting an abortion, May would support them fully. She didn't want any of these people to make her daughters feel bad about making a decision that was best for their own lives. 

"You're a murderer!" a man yelled in her face. Phil froze, but his hand remained linked to hers. She still had one free hand, though. Even if she was right handed, she could still hit well with her left. She showed this man exactly how well, and only temporarily felt good about the way he fell back and onto the ground, the other protesters coming to their friend's aide. 

"May!" Phil said, both his arms wrapping around her now. 

Shit. He was right. She was better than this. She didn't resort to violence anymore. She shouldn't let petty people like this get to her.

Another man lifted his hand to return the favor to May's face but Phil stepped in between them before it got out of hand.

"We're not here for an abortion, not that it's any of your business. So why don't we all just go back to living our lives and not bother each other any more than we already have?"

"So why are you here, huh?"

"Again, none of your business." Phil grabbed May's hand with enough force to not let her pull away, even if that wasn't what she wanted to do at all. He looked at her. "Shall we go inside?"

She let him brisk her away while she tried to manage the anger in her body. She saw the protesters had found another victim to yell at, two women probably in their mid thirties. They gave the protesters no attention but May could see it did affect them a bit.

Once Phil and her were inside, she took a few deep breaths. Phil's hands on her upper arms steadied her. 

"I'm so sorry, they're at it again, aren't they?" the receptionist said, offering May a glass of water. She opened the door quickly for the other two women May had seen on the parking lot. "I wish we could send them away but apparently it's public space and the police has no authority to do anything. Best we can do is support you as much as possible. Are you okay, honey?"

May nodded. She hadn't been called honey by another woman in a long time, especially one that was significantly younger than she was. 

They sat down and Phil kept looking at her. She knew he would support her no matter what, and it always made her feel so loved. 

"You still want to do this?"

"You think those assholes will stop me from doing this?" she deadpanned. She wasn't kidding either of them, but it definitely raised both their spirits. "I need to do this, Phil. I'm scared of what might happen if I don't."

He nodded and held her hand. He didn't let go all throughout their visit.

They put her under with general anesthetics and she heard herself battling against her conscience. 

Melinda May. You've always wanted to be a mother. You always said you would have as many kids as you possibly could, so long as it was with Phil (and if he was okay with it, too). This is permanent. Final. You can't turn back from this.

She had almost stopped them from putting her under, only for a moment.

_ No _ . She had to think about  _ herself _ for once. She couldn't do it. She couldn't pull herself through another pregnancy, no matter how much another baby would be welcomed and loved. She wanted to  _ live _ .

Phil had been the first thing she had seen when she had woken up, and despite her foggy brain, she pulled him close and didn't let go for a while. 

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you more children," she whispered. She was sleepy still and shouldn't say anything. She couldn't help herself. 

He shook his head.

"I love you so much," he whispered. He sounded relieved, for some reason. She felt she knew why but wouldn't be able to explain it when asked. "What you've given me… it's more than enough. We have three beautiful kids and it's more than I could ever have expected. You've already given me more than should be statistically possible. I love you, Melinda May. The last thing I do while looking at our lives is thinking that we don't have enough kids. We have just enough. A boy, a girl… and whatever Daisy is."

May couldn't help but laugh at that, feeling fresh stitches pull on her lower belly. Phil's soft hands brushed her cheeks, and she felt a warmth spread through her heart she hadn't felt in a while.

She had been selfish with this decision. Perhaps they could have had more kids, even if it was unlikely, and despite his kind words, she knew Phil would have liked another baby. But even though she was selfish, he still seemed to love her. For some damn reason. 

"Let's get you home so you can sleep off the rest of the anesthesia."

She didn't let him carry her to the car and he had just shrugged and supported her either way, an arm around her to help her shaking legs.

"I'm proud of you, Melinda," he whispered. He kissed her briefly before closing the car door and rushing to the other side. "And I love you."

She smiled and closed her eyes and woke up in bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of y'all had been hoping that they would be having another baby but that would have stretched things a bit too much, I think. I guess her decision to opt for sterilization is the right one in her case, because I doubt she could seriously have undergone another pregnancy, even if it had been in the cards for them. But they have a very lovely family, three lovely kids and Nugget and honestly, it is more than May probably ever thought she would have so this is the healthiest thing she could have done for herself.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so, where to begin? This'll be long so you can skip this if you want to. It's been over a month and so much has happened. Our dog has passed for a month now. I've had to fear for my job and despite the fact that I have heard I will not be fired any time soon because of the crisis, I'm still holding my breath in case a serious, second wave will come, because I doubt that my company will even remain standing if that happens. And I think I might be developing an eating disorder, and my back has started to hurt more because of the stress, and altogether things have been pretty shitty.  
> There have been some positive things, however. My mom and I went on vacation last week for four days and it was amazing and so much fun, although I was exhausted afterwards. I have definitely discovered a love for books, just yesterday I finished the His Dark Materials trilogy and I still have so many questions but still really enjoyed it thoroughly, and I am feeling better despite everything that I mentioned above because I started working out and am seriously on the way to developing visible abs and I've never had those in my life, so super proud about that. And today, I get to update this story for y'all, if anyone's still interested in it, lol. I wouldn't blame you if you totally forgot about it!  
> I have been focusing more on other things (and fics, but not AoS related) and I found that was necessary for a little bit, but I'm improving again and these are the fruits of that! Thanks for sticking by me!

In the end, May decided not to get off her meds, because she didn't trust herself while she was off them and she had realized, through watching her kids and husband interact with each other and her while she was taking them, that she liked where she was right in that moment.

Sarah had put her back on her original meds. The lighter ones had only made her nauseous and she had continued to be nauseous, so the decision hadn't been difficult in the end. 

"What if this is just who I am now?"

Phil frowned at her and put down the book he was reading. He took off his reading glasses which she always found so sexy on him.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I've tried several times to get off my meds but it has never gone right. What if… I have to keep taking antidepressants for the rest of my life?"

He thought of that for a while. She liked that he didn't just blurt out the first thing that came to mind, because it would be some bullshit answer that wouldn't help either of them.

"Well… I like this you."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I mean, I can't make the decision for you… but I like seeing you happy. Relaxed. You get… anxious when you're off your meds."

He was right, of course.

She asked Sarah the same thing, expecting a different, professional reply, but she was out of luck. Perhaps it was for the better.

"How do you feel about that idea?"

"Of staying on my meds for the rest of my life? I hate the idea. I hate feeling weak."

"Do you think a diabetic is weak for taking insulin?"

"No."

"How about someone with known cardiac issues taking medication?"

"Of course not!"

"Then there's your answer."

Sarah had kept her notepad on her desk, far away from them, for the past few sessions. May hadn't questioned her about it, hadn't felt it was her place to do so. She had the feeling she might finally begin to understand why.

"Melinda, you're not weak for continuing your medication, just as the aforementioned patients wouldn't be considered weak for continuing theirs. If you feel you're more comfortable taking your meds than trying to get off them, that's your prerogative. Ultimately, you have to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. You've earned that right, wouldn't you think? And yes, perhaps you could go off your medication, but I can see why that thought scares you."

"But shouldn't it be better to be meds free?"

"I don't see why it should? I think we both know what a medication-free Melinda May looks like, and neither of us like her very much."

You could say that again.

"You won't be my first patient who leaves this office with antidepressants for life. But you also wouldn't be the first one to leave it in a body bag. I want what's best for you, Melinda, and only you know what that is. I can only… guide you a little, give you advice. But at the end of the day, it's you who has to live with yourself. So if you feel that staying on your medication for the rest of your life is the best option, then I won't hold you back. Antidepressants aren't a sign of weakness, you know. It means that you're strong enough to admit that you feel better with their help. There's no shame in that."

May returned to her old medication eventually, because her happiest moments since the diagnosis had been while she had taken those antidepressants, ever since nearly jumping off that bridge. She knew most of it could be attributed to Phil and their kids, but her meds had surely helped in her good mood.

Nugget, for some reason, seemed way less scary all of a sudden, and he seemed to have noticed that he should be careful around her but that she was okay with him sniffing her to get to know her. She even found herself walking Nugget one day, Tommy in the pram babbling to himself, Amy holding on to the side of the pram, like May had instructed her to. Nugget walked on the other side of her, occasionally stopping to sniff the grass and deciding he didn't like the smell, he lifted one of his hind legs and spread some of his own.

"Mommy?" Amy asked, her hand switching from the bar to May's forearm. 

"Yes, baby girl?"

"I love you."

May smiled and stopped briefly, brushing Amy's hair and allowing Nugget to sniff some more. May lowered herself to Amy's level.

"I love you too, my beautiful Amy."

"Will you be better now, Mommy?"

"What do you mean?"

"Daddy said you had a operation so you won't be scared anymore."

"He did?"

"Yeah. And Daddy said that you have to take the happy pills again and I think they working, Mommy, because you look happy."

May felt tears spring to her eyes. If this three year old thought that May was doing better with her medication, then it was probably true. 

"I do feel better with the happy pills. I'm glad you've noticed."

"Daddy says I don't have to worry about you, Mommy."

"That's very true, baby girl. I'll be okay. As long as I keep taking the happy pills, I  _ will _ be fine. I promise. I might still be a little sad sometimes, but we all can be. And that's okay. The happy pills help me feel less scared and angry and sad. I will probably have to take them for a long time but that's also fine."

"Do I need happy pills, Mommy?"

"I hope not. I hope you'll be able to be happy all by yourself. But Mommy can't do that, unfortunately."

"I'm happy when you're happy, Mommy."

May smiled and rubbed their noses together, making Amy chuckle like she always did. Amy reached out to wrap her arms around May and they remained like that, May crouching by her toddler daughter who was hugging her intensely. May cried only a little, while she had her face buried in Amy's big hair. 

"I love you, baby girl."

"I love you too, Mommy."

"Mama!" Tommy exclaimed, clapping his little hands. May looked up in surprise and Amy chuckled again. Her little boy… speaking, too. Although she knew from previous experience that babies could bluff and just try out sounds without knowing what they were actually saying.

"Buddy! You said Mama!"

"Mamamamama!"

"Close enough," May said with a smile. Amy's arm was still wrapped around her mother's thigh as May leaned into the pram and kissed Tommy about a million times.

"I say Mama too, Mommy!" Amy argued. May reached for the girl's hand and they continued walking, after May had successfully gotten the attention of Nugget. 

"I know, baby, but  _ your _ first word was technically Daddy."

"Oh. I'm sorry then, Mommy."

May laughed and looked at Amy, whose eyes were flickering but the corners of her mouth were turned down.

"You don't have to say sorry for that, Amy. You had Mommy talking about Daddy all the time. Well, Tommy has Daddy talking about Mommy all the time."

"Daddy talks about you a lot, Mommy," Amy said seriously, nodding. May couldn't help but laugh at that, which made the girl look up at her and also giggle eventually. 

"I love you, you silly girl."

"I'm not silly, Mommy!"

They bantered until they were home and Phil was awaiting them anxiously, but pretending not to be too anxious.

"Guess what?" May said, lifting Thomas into her arms. "He just said Mama. I win."

"You win?" Phil looked only half offended. "It's not a competition. And if anything, it's a tie, because Amy's first word was Daddy."

May bounced Tommy up and down on her hip, holding one of his little baby hands while her other hand held onto him tightly. "Tommy, can you say Mama? Mama?"

"Mama!"

May laughed out of joy and the boy chuckled along with her. Phil smiled, too. He leaned in to kiss Tommy on his forehead before attempting the same thing May had done.

"What about Dada?"

"Mama!"

"No, buddy, Dada."

"Mama."

"Still needs some work. Alright."

May smiled. Well, she liked it now that Thomas could say Mama first, but when he would wake up in the middle of the night and yelled for her, she would be less happy.

"Mommy? What was Daisy's first word?"

Phil was still standing by her side and showering their son with affection. He leaned down and smelled Thomas' bottom and he pulled a face.

"I'll take him," Phil whispered, his hands already in Tommy's armpits. May sighed, having preferred to spend just a little more time with the both of them, but gave in and returned her attention to Amy.

"Uh, actually, I don't know. It was probably pizza or taco or something."

"Why do you not know?"

"Because I wasn't there when Daisy was a baby."

"I don't understand."

The girl was three. In her head, everything was very straightforward. May wasn't surprised that Amy thought that Daisy was May's baby, too, because she had referred to her as such and had never sat down with Amy and explained it further.

If May was going to explain this now, she needed to use the child friendly version. May had never liked Jiaying and didn't have any good words about her but Amy didn't need to know about that.

"Well, unlike you and Tommy, Daisy didn't come from my belly. She came from another woman's belly."

"But… I thought you were Daisy's Mommy."

"I am Daisy's Mommy now, but I wasn't always her Mommy. Another woman gave birth to her, but couldn't take care of her at that time. So Daisy was put in an orphanage, you know what that is?" Amy shook her head. "It's a place where children can stay if they have no one else to care for them. Daisy grew up in one of those. I…" May would have adopted Daisy back in those days, little shit or not. But alas, they had only met when Daisy had already been an adult. May had been forced to see how the system had traumatized Daisy for life and had vowed to make life easier for her, by providing her love and care and whatever it was Daisy wanted and needed. "What I'm trying to say, baby girl, is that Daisy didn't come from Mommy's belly, but it doesn't mean she's not Mommy's baby. Mommy loves Daisy so much, just as much as you and Thomas."

"I didn't know Daisy didn't came from your belly, Mommy."

"I know. We never really talk about it, do we? But you're still young, baby girl. I'm sure you don't understand half of it. And that's fine. Maybe you will when you're older."

"I am older."

May chuckled and nodded.

"Of course. I mean, old enough to have a baby yourself."

"When is that, Mommy?"

"Hopefully a long while from now. Hey, let's get you showered and ready for bed."

Amy voiced her protests because she had a natural case of FOMO and hated going to bed early, but she would be a nightmare to deal with if she didn't get a proper amount of sleeping hours. Amy complained about bedtime while May washed, dried and braided the girl's hair, supervised that she brushed her teeth, and tucked her in to bed.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby girl?"

"Why is the moon called the moon?"

"Well now you're just stalling. Get to sleep, little one. We'll have another day for questions tomorrow."

Amy pouted but admitted defeat. May kissed her cheek and tucked her in fully. Despite her protests, Amy was out like a light. She always was, and it was adorable and quite frankly, convenient. She got that from her father, the ability to put her head down and be out before you could blink an eye. Although May wasn't too bad at it herself, if she allowed herself to.

May met Phil on the couch, his legs up on the coffee table (which she had forbade him but he didn't care) and his head on the backrest of the couch. When she got close to him, she saw that there was some spit on his shoulder, his eyes were mostly closed, his hands folded on his belly.

Somehow, even if she wasn't involved in this picture, it felt incredibly intimate to see him like this, worn out by their baby son.

She sat down on the couch as quietly and slowly as possible, hoping not to disturb him so she could watch him a little longer. No such luck.

"Hey."

"Hey." She leaned in and kissed him and cuddled into his side. This was so familiar, she loved it. She didn't know where she would be now without this. "Let's get away again. Just the two of us."

"You need it?"

"No. But I  _ want _ it." She had made up her mind right there. She would accept his stupid attempts at being romantic, because she realized that this was it, and this would always be it, and it wouldn't get any better than this and she was okay with that. She thought perhaps the circumstances would be better, she could perhaps be off her meds but she now knew that that was something that would probably never happen, not any time soon anyway. 

What were they waiting for? For the kids to be older? But then no doubt, by that time there could surely be something else that held them back. Perhaps Daisy would have a child of her own then, or they would be too busy planning her wedding, who knew? 

No. They could do it now. She might not have beaten her depression but this was the best she could manage. This was a version of herself she could live with, even if it was heavily influenced by her medication. At least she wasn't fighting against herself every day anymore. Just every other day.

"I can't wait," he whispered, pulling her closer by her hair, just softly tugging. She smiled and they kissed again and she slipped into his lap only a few moments later. "You know, I've been thinking about this for a while. I can't wait to take you places."

"Just for a weekend, Phil. Nothing too extravagant."

He smiled slyly. She really hoped they would stay in the country. 

~...~

Coulson knew that their entire family benefited from a happy Melinda May. He knew a big part of accomplishing that was to make sure she was taking her medication. The other, more satisfying part, was to make sure she was looked after, that she couldn't have any doubts about his love for her. That she was satisfied after their lovemaking and that she drank enough water and was altogether taken care of as a lover, not as a patient or a mother. Because she was that - his lover. He would always go out of his way to make sure his lover was alright.

And he loved doing it. He loved her. He loved making her smile and roll her eyes and slowly give in to her natural desire to kiss him. 

He could tell that she was happy, as opposed to last time. Not much had changed, except for her decision to keep taking her medication indefinitely. She had thought it would be a sign of weakness, that he wouldn't love her if she was on antidepressants, but he had never loved her more than he did now. He got to wake up beside her every day and see her be a perfect mom to their kids and he knew it could have been a whole lot worse.

"This is even worse than the last time," she halfheartedly complained. He carried their bags, just like last time, because he was a gentleman, no matter how much she might pretend to hate it. He knew she secretly loved it. He had spared no expense, with a little help of SHIELD, of course. They still owed him big time for the multiple times he had sacrificed himself. Mack was happy to help out wherever he could.

As soon as he dropped their bags beside the bed, she had both her arms wrapped around his neck and his hands instinctively rested on her hips.

"I love you," she whispered, a bright smile on those delicious lips and he didn't hold back. He had wanted to question her why she had pressed him on this little getaway but he was a simple man and some things just simply came first. (Like her. Literally.)

When they lay in each other's arms about an hour later, her hand tracing figures on his chest, he finally let his curiosity win over. He felt she had something to tell him. He knew it couldn't be  _ that _ \- he didn't even want it anymore. He had only briefly been happy when they had seen the pregnancy tests that last time, but then her anxiety had taken the reins and he had realized, he didn't want anything that she wasn't comfortable with. And he stood by his words: their family was perfect just the way it was.

"Mel?"

"Hmm?"

"Is there a particular reason why you insisted we go away together?"

She smiled but remained silent for a while. He had a feeling she wouldn't be telling him bad news like this, she wouldn't keep that from him. Yet his mind was coming up blank with anything she could need to tell him. She wasn't sick, right? No. He had to believe that she would tell him immediately if she was.

"Remember what we agreed on last time?"

They had agreed on a lot. He was very agreeable when it came to her. He shook his head. He would be lying if he said he knew what she was talking about. "We agreed… that we would get married again when I had beaten this depression. Well… that is not going to happen any time soon. But I realized… this is probably the best I'll be. So… why wait anymore? And don't get me wrong, I'm still not sure whether I agree with this whole thing, but… I know it's something you want. I don't want to hold you back. And… I can admit it's a beautiful thought… I just… don't want to wear a wedding dress again."

His heart was overflowing with love. Had this beautiful woman just agreed to marry him? Had he heard that correctly? Or was his head betraying him?

"Melinda… please clarify."

"What's there to clarify, Phil?" She smiled and kissed the tip of his nose, her hand in the back of his neck. "Yes. I'm saying yes."

Yes! He hadn't misheard! She wanted to marry him - again! He knew it didn't change anything, he knew she knew. But they had never had a proper wedding and she deserved one, deserved to be put in the center of attention and deserved a  _ honeymoon _ . She deserved to be spoiled senseless, especially because she didn't accept it most other days. 

He got to marry her. My god. Was this real life? He had already been married to her, of course, he had already been able to call her his wife, to be someone's husband, but somehow it was different now. It would be different. He could feel it. He could do right by her this time - they hadn't even married really the last time, just signed some papers that told the government that they were now married. He had given her a ring but that hadn't been romantic at all, only painful and emotional. 

No. This time, he would do better. He would give her the wedding she wanted, whatever that meant. Whether she wanted big and extravagant (which he highly doubted) or small and intimate, he would give her whatever her heart desired.

"I love you, Melinda," he whispered. "I'm so proud of you. So proud. And… I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I know we already got started, but… things got in the way. But this will be a fresh start for us both. I won't let myself be separated from you anymore. I won't let your depression be the boss of us anymore. We'll get to live our lives on our own terms."

She smiled at him but he could tell there were tears in her eyes. He kissed her and wrapped his arms a little tighter around her. 

"Hey Phil?"

"Yes?"

"Stop talking and make love to me."

He chuckled and pushed her onto her back.

"Yes Ma'am."

And he made love to his wife exactly how she wanted him to. He still couldn't believe that she let him - let him kiss her everywhere he damn well pleased, let him hold her close, let him bring her to release again and again. 

He loved life.

No.

He loved  _ her _ . 

More than life itself.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daisy and Amy watch The Lion King. Spoiler alert: Mufasa dies.

Amy was such a sensitive little girl, even though most people in her vicinity knew that she wouldn't let anyone walk all over her. But she had grown up with a depressed mother who had often had longer periods where she hid in her bed, or others where she could lash out to the nearest person without meaning to. 

Daisy had needed to adapt, too, and it was okay. She knew if she just held out long enough, May would eventually get better and then they didn't have to walk on eggshells all the time. It seemed that moment had never come, but it was visible that May was doing better and it was enough for Daisy. 

May seemed to have accepted where she was now, and what she had to deal with, and it relieved the woman of so much stress, and it felt wonderful to see the process, to see her crack more smiles and even prank them sometimes. Daisy had known from the start they might never get the old Melinda May back, but with this wonderful woman, it didn't even matter anymore. May deserved to be happy, and how she wanted to fill that in was completely up to her. She deserved to be the one in control of her life for once.

But, back to Amy. The girl sat in her favorite corner of the couch, her right thumb in her mouth, something her parents would scold her for but Daisy allowed. Her left hand held onto Mr. Snuggles. Daisy sat on the other side of the couch, because she could potentially unleash Amy's wrath if she cuddled up to her without her permission. It was perhaps better this way. Daisy could keep an eye on her.

They were watching The Lion King together, and Daisy knew the girl was too young to be watching this movie but the girl had insisted after seeing cute Simba on the cover of the DVD box. She would be in for a surprise. 

"He can't die!"

Daisy remembered watching this movie back when she was a kid, even if the nuns had forbidden them from watching it because 'animals don't talk and it's not natural'. She had cried too at this exact moment, but then who hadn't?

"No! He can't be dead!" Amy was crying now and Daisy reached out her hand, waiting for the girl to reach out and be in her arms - which of course, she did.

Daisy paused the movie and pulled Amy close. The girl was sobbing and ranting about things Daisy couldn't quite make out. She did her best to console her baby sister.

Eventually she calmed down, although tears were still running down her cheeks. 

"Did the Daddy really die, Cay Cay?"

"Yes, he did." She brushed the tears away. 

"I don't want him to be dead."

"I know you don't."

"Cay Cay… will my Daddy die?"

Fuck. Well what was she supposed to say to that? Amy knew the answer, Daisy felt that she knew. But the girl was sad now and it would only get worse if she told her the truth. In the end, though, she couldn't lie to Amy.

"Yes."

"No! No Cay Cay, I don't want Daddy to die!"

"Hey, baby girl, it's okay. He won't for a long time." She couldn't be sure of that, but they had to have faith. The last time he had died, all of them nearly had, too. "But we will all die, eventually. And that's okay. Remember what Simba's Daddy said earlier? That when he was dead, he would be watching Simba from the stars in the sky. He would never be alone. That's a nice thought, right? So just think of that. Even if any one of us dies, we'll always be with you, whether it's in the stars or in your heart. People never truly leave… I know that, because after Daddy died, he stayed in my heart… I still thought about him a lot. So by thinking about him… he was still there."

"I don't get it."

"That's okay. Just know that we will be with you for as long as we can, as long as you don't go looking for trouble that might hurt us. The only reason Mufasa died is because Simba was looking for trouble."

"Got it. Don't look for trouble."

Daisy could definitely learn a thing or two from her own speech, considering the many times she had endangered everyone on the team in her stupid suicidal missions.

"Shall we continue with the movie?"

Amy already reached for the remote and stayed in Daisy's arms this time. They laughed together at Timon and Pumba who Amy proclaimed were now her favorite characters  _ ever _ (Daisy knew next week it would be different again) but they didn't get to finish the movie before May and Coulson came back home from their little getaway. 

Daisy could tell immediately that something was different. May had been doing well for a few days now, but this was different. She seemed like she was… beaming. Daisy had never seen her this happy, ever.

"Mommy! Daddy! You're home! I was watching Lion King with Daisy and I was only scared for a moment but it was so awesome!"

May picked up Amy with a huge smile and hugged her close. "I'm so proud of you, baby girl!"

"You're happy, Mommy!"

May nodded and looked at Phil over her shoulder. Daisy saw the wordless exchange. 

Oh fuck. Yes. This was happening. Daisy knew what was going to happen next before it happened, because while these two knew each other well, she knew  _ them _ well, too.

"Amy, Daddy and I need to tell you something."

"Okay."

"We're getting married."

"What?"

May sat down and pulled Amy into her lap. 

"You're already married, Mommy."

Coulson sat down beside the two. Daisy was holding in her excitement while they explained - she wanted to yell out how happy she was for them.

"Yes, we know," Coulson said. "But we decided to do it again… so that you can celebrate it with us. And because Mommy is doing so well and we want to celebrate that, too."

"So you'll be double married?"

"I guess so. But nothing much will change between Mommy and I, nor with you or Tommy. We'll just have a party, is all."

Really, it was much more than that, but it was possibly more than this little toddler could fathom. That was okay. 

Daisy slid onto the couch on the other side of May, her butt for the most part on the armrest. She wrapped an arm around her. 

"Congrats," Daisy whispered with a bright smile. She remained sitting there while her parents and baby sister talked further about marriage and what a wedding would be like. Daisy closed her eyes and basked in this feeling - perhaps now, Melinda May could finally be happy, even through her depression, and perhaps it could be enough to help their family recover from the past few painful years. 

Daisy just wanted some peace.

And perhaps to convince May to wear a wedding dress. That would be a difficult task.

~...~

Coulson loved planning a wedding. 

It was a battle with Melinda, honestly. She didn't even want any party to begin with, she wanted to settle with a quick signing of papers and go home for a lovely family dinner - but they had done most of that the last time, and he had made a promise that they deserved better this time around.  _ She _ deserved better.

He had managed to strike a deal with her on the venue. He felt she was a bit overwhelmed by it all, so he had taken most of the planning upon his shoulders. He loved it, however, imagining them and their loved ones celebrating life, and brisking Melinda away for a well-deserved honeymoon that he was certain she would refuse so he kept it a secret until the day itself. He was far more of a romantic than she was and they both knew it.

Daisy was Melinda's maid of honor, even if the words had never been uttered. Daisy instinctively helped both her parents so it fit her to help with the wedding, too. (Fitz had agreed on being Coulson's best man, just so he could return the favor with his own wedding years ago.)

He also knew that Daisy was still trying to get Melinda into a wedding dress, but it was an ongoing battle he was certain Daisy would lose. She had apologized to him about that, but she didn't need to. He would marry Melinda even if she was wearing a (baby) spit covered shirt and baggy sweat pants. She was beautiful to him no matter what.

He'd tried to pull a lot of strings to get the venue at such a short notice. They wanted to get married as soon as possible, just because, and most venues had been fully booked for at least the next two years. He had nearly given up when he had received an envelope one day with a date and time, signed by the one and only-

-Maria Hill.

_ Ps: Fury sends his blessings.  _

Amy was excited by the prospect of it all but Coulson could tell she wasn't really certain what it was that was going to happen, she was too young. He tried to involve her in the planning as much as possible but some things he kept even from her, because she couldn't keep a secret and he still wanted to surprise Melinda.

He took Amy with him to buy her a dress, then realized at the last moment that he had no fashion sense and would probably take home a horrible dress. He took Daisy with them as well, who was still trying to convince May on the whole wedding dress discussion. Coulson appreciated her help with everything, but it was clear that she enjoyed wedding planning as much as he did. 

"Ooooh, look at this dress, Amy!" Daisy exclaimed, pulling a dress off the rack and showing it to the others. Amy was perhaps a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people in this shop, so she held onto Coulson's hand tightly while also attempting to burrow into his pant leg.

"'S cute," Amy muttered, not acknowledging the dress any further. Coulson brushed the cheek he could reach. Amy had been showing this type of behavior often in recent weeks. Coulson wondered what was causing it, but somehow knew it wasn't anything serious. All he could do was support her through it, like he had done with her mother. That had worked out relatively well in the end.

"Daddy?" Amy asked, her voice low but intelligible. He lowered himself to his knee like he had done often before.

"What's up, baby girl?"

"Don want you and Mommy get married."

He had already thought she had accepted to this revelation much too quickly, and knew he could expect some more doubts and tears to come. 

"Okay. Can you explain to me why you feel like this?"

"Don want things change, Daddy. Mommy is happy now and that change! And I want Mommy be happy, Daddy!"

"Hey, baby girl, it's alright. You worry too much. Come here." He wrapped her up in his arms and she instantly started crying, as though his arms were confirmation that she was safe to do and feel what she needed to. Daisy rubbed the girl's back briefly before continuing on her hunt - too many people crowding Amy wouldn't help her state. She sobbed and he pulled her to the side so they had a little more privacy and let her cry for as long as she wanted. He did get some nasty looks but they were in a kids clothing store for God's sake, they should understand this. 

Amy pulled away eventually and looked at him, still sobbing quietly. She rubbed at her own eyes to get rid of the tears but he still helped her. 

"Are you feeling better now, Amy?"

She shrugged.

"I understand that you're worried. That's okay. You know I will take care of Mommy no matter what. I will make sure she will stay this happy, that's also what marrying is about. Marriage is… promising to always support each other and love them no matter what happens. But you know that Mommy and I already do this… because we are already married. And we had already been friends before that, and the promises you make in marriage are a bit the same as the one you make to a friend." He knew a little of her friends at daycare. He was glad she would be able to keep in contact with them when she moved on to kindergarten because they lived in the same school district. "You would protect Pamela, right?"

She nodded almost frantically. She was too pure. 

"Well, it's a little like that. Mommy and I were best friends before we got married. We had already promised each other to take care of each other… so when we did get married, it didn't really change anything. And it won't change anything now. It's just… a party, really. A fun party, and you get to stay up late and dance all night if you want to and wear a pretty dress."

"Speaking of pretty dresses," Daisy butted in, although carefully. Amy turned her head towards her big sister, who was holding just that, a very pretty dress. Coulson straightened Amy's hair and clothes before the girl slid off his lap and towards the dress.

"This a princess dress, Cay Cay."

"Yep. You are a princess."

Amy frowned and shook her head. 

"You're  _ my _ princess," Coulson whispered, reaching for her hand, kissing the top of it and pulling her toward the fitting rooms. "So is Daisy."

Daisy rolled her eyes and followed them.

"And Mommy, Daddy?"

"Mommy is my queen."

"Then you a king!"

Uuuh… he didn't really think of himself as a king but he knew this little girl probably did. He didn't correct her but also didn't give it any more attention. Daisy went into the fitting room with Amy and Coulson took a seat on one of the plastic chairs in front of them. 

He looked at his phone. One new message.

_ 'Hey you, curious how things are going. Please, nothing over the top. Wish I could be there, tho. Love you, M.' _

Melinda was at work while Tommy was at daycare, something she hated despite Amelia being an all too familiar face with the lovely people working there. Thomas was still young and he could be clingy towards Melinda and she didn't want to do him wrong, knowing he would probably miss them a lot. But he had gone a couple of times before and he hadn't minded at all, and Melinda had changed her opinion just enough not to hesitate when she brought him to the building. 

_ 'If my queen won't wear a dress, then I'll make sure my princess does. Xx' _

He could envision her rolling her eyes while reading his text and his heart warmed at the thought. He loved to make her roll her eyes. 

_ 'Ha ha. Still won't wear a dress.' _

_ 'You say that now, but Daisy has mad persuasion skills.' _

_ 'Nobody says 'mad' like that anymore.' _

_ 'I do.' _

_ 'Whatever. Love you. See you tonight. Take care of our girls.' _

_ 'Will do. Love you, too.' _

As soon as he had hit sent, the curtain of the fitting room opened and Amy marched out, her hair in a quick bun. He had to swallow multiple times not to get a lump in his throat but it still happened anyway, and he took in the sight before him with pride and love. The dress was, without exaggeration, about 50% petticoat, the body had a beautiful rainbow glow to it and it was covered profusely by butterflies. The only thing Amy was missing was a tiara. 

"Why are you crying, Daddy?"

"Because I love you so much, baby girl. You're so beautiful." She always was to him. The daughter he never thought he would ever have, with the woman he never thought he would end up marrying.

"That make you sad, Daddy?"

"No, sweet Amy. People can cry because they're happy. In fact, Daddy cries a lot because he's happy." He was admitting that truthfully, because he did cry often and he wanted both his young kids to have a healthy attitude towards crying, so they wouldn't bottle up their feelings so much, even if those feelings were happy. (Especially Thomas, who would no doubt be faced with some peculiar views on masculinity and Coulson didn't want him to feel scared or insecure because of that.)

"You're like a beautiful princess, Amy," Daisy said, pulling on the hair tie that was holding up the bun, and the girl's dark hair fell around her shoulders - like he had seen happen countless times with her mother whenever she decided he deserved her loose hair. Or whenever Daisy had been dancing with either of his kids and released her hair to join in their wild, funny movements. 

He had the best family in the world, the most beautiful, amazing, funny people on this planet happened to be his wife and kids and he couldn't be more proud. 

He kissed the top of her hand like he had done before.

"Daddy, now I has a question," she whispered, standing in front of him, fumbling with a butterfly on her dress.

"Tell me."

"Pamela has stones and I want stones too."

"Stones?"

"Yeah. They really pretty. She say she change tiny ladybird soon."

Coulson looked up at Daisy. He liked to believe that he knew a lot about what his daughter could want and need, but he didn't have a clue what she was talking about.

"You mean earrings, Amy?"

"Uh-huh. You have stones too right Daisy?"

"I do, but I don't wear them as often anymore."

"Why not?"

Daisy shrugged. "That's a good question."

Coulson didn't want to think about Amy having her ears pierced, she was so young still, but he also knew that now was an okay age, because she probably wouldn't remember much of it in the future. But he didn't want her to be hurt unnecessarily. 

"I'll talk to Mommy, okay?"

"Mommy have stones?"

"Mommy has her ears pierced too, yes, but I don't think she has a lot of earrings."

"Will Mommy has stones at the wedding, Daddy?"

"I don't know, baby girl. I guess it will be a surprise for me."

Amy smiled at that and even laughed and took a few steps away from him, looking at Daisy. The older girl focused on the dress again and made the younger one do a few twirls and look at the mirror to see how she looked in the dress.

She was right. Earrings would look good on her. Coulson wondered how much convincing May needed.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter, but next one will be huge, I promise!

Apparently, not that much. May had hesitated only a little until she had realized how much Amelia wanted this and in no way wanted to hold her back. Just a few days later, they were at their local jewelry picking out a first earring with their baby daughter and Coulson couldn't stand for a moment how fast she was growing up.

The first time he had met her, she hadn't been able to talk in full sentences. Today, she was getting her  _ ears pierced _ . 

"Alright, Amelia," the kind woman from the jewelry started. Amy sat in the big chair with her hands folded together. She was shaking, and it was still a bit of a shock to see how much she resembled her mother. "You can be brave, right?"

Amy shrugged. Way to put her emotions to the background. 

"Is someone present who can help you?"

"Daddy."

Coulson looked at Melinda, who was holding Thomas. Perhaps Amy had seen that Melinda was otherwise occupied, but he felt that she was growing more towards her father than her mother. This had not been the first time that she had chosen him over Melinda - but he knew when kids reached a certain age, they often did prefer the parent of the other gender. They could develop what they interpreted as romantic feelings, and Coulson was still unsure how he would deal with it if it grew to be a problem.

He nodded and kneeled down beside the chair, holding onto one of Amy's hands. She was still shaking. He wondered if this was still a good idea.

"You can still stop, Amy," Coulson whispered. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"I know Daddy. But I'm brave. Like you."

His heart warmed - if only this girl knew, he was far from brave. 

"And Mommy," he added, because she was the real brave person in their company. Melinda smiled at him, Thomas inching closer to her with a smile on his lips, too. (Melinda had sometimes said that both their babies had his smile, but he didn't really see the resemblance.)

"Okay, you brave girl. You're just going to feel a little pinch, it might hurt a little, but you'll be alright. Hold onto Daddy's hand tightly and don't move, okay?"

Amy nodded. "I can do this. I'm a big girl."

Coulson just had to laugh at that because she was so adorable. How could people say she was so much like him if she was this adorable? He wasn't adorable, right?

"I know, baby. Now take a deep breath."

"Don't move, Amelia. I'll go on three, don't touch your ear when I'm done." The woman lined up the piercing gun and Amy's hold on his hand tightened. 

"One, two… three!"

Amy did an instinctual little jump but the woman was already done. Amy's eyes filled with tears and Coulson lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the top of it.

"Just the other one, you're so brave, Amelia!"

The same thing happened on the other ear and then it was all done, but Amy was crying now and wanting to slip into his arms. The woman wasn't fazed at all by the show of emotion it seemed, because she just smiled and handed Amy a mirror so she could see the end result. 

"Look how pretty your earrings are, Amelia. You're so brave. I take my hat off for you." And she tipped an invisible hat which caused Amy to chuckle while tears were rolling down her cheeks. It wasn't easy for strangers to make Amy react like this, improve her mood while she was so obviously upset (and rightfully too, this time).

"I'm pretty, Daddy."

"You're prettier. You were already pretty."

She blushed and smiled and she had obviously forgotten about the pain and shock as she looked at the hand mirror. 

She was so beautiful. But what could you expect, if you had a mother who was as beautiful as hers was?

He couldn't wait until he could make Melinda his queen again, if only so this little girl got to be a princess for a day.

For now, she let him wipe her tears off her cheeks and dove into his arms, while the woman finished the procedure, and Amy remained in his arms for the rest of the afternoon.

His safe arms. He would never let anything happen to his little girl. He would protect her, no matter the cost. She knew that, and that's why she had no trouble searching out his arms whenever she was scared or upset. She couldn't possibly know how deep his feelings for her went, how much he loved her and how much he would literally sacrifice for her so she could be safe and happy. She was three, nearly four, she couldn't possibly know.

Perhaps one day, she would. Hopefully one day, she would find somebody to love like he loved Melinda, and she would know what it would feel like to completely be at someone's feet, to want to spend every second of everyday with them; to want to protect them, even if it meant sacrificing herself. (Although, he hoped he would be long gone by then. He could never break his promise to protect her.)


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit, this chapter was probably the most fun to write of everything that I have written for this story. I really cracked myself up with this and I hope it will entertain you the same way it did me!

As a thirty-something year old teenager, Daisy Johnson loved to go out with her friends/classmates/friendly classmates. May knew the young woman had partied in her youth but she had been mostly on her own then, and after deciding to make a living out of hacking, had had to live in a van and being forced to live with the bare necessities. 

It was different now, however. She loved to go out and stay away for a reasonable amount of time, but she was always mindful of the family she could potentially wake up if she came home late. May had always stayed up while Daisy went out partying because she worried about her, perhaps unnecessarily, but she still felt it was right. Phil had adopted that habit, too, so now they sat in the living room with dim lights drinking calming tea, trying to keep each other awake. 

She lay in his arms looking up at him from time to time, enjoying the peace and quiet. Their two little rascals were in bed and finally asleep - on top of Amy's busy presence, Tommy was also joining that club because he was starting to walk for real and following him around the house to make sure he didn't hurt himself… honestly, slapstick material.

Phil busied himself with a book but she knew he wasn't really reading it.

"Phil?"

"Hmm?" He didn't look down at her, probably wanting to keep up appearances that he was actually reading.

"What have you planned so far for the wedding?"

It was only a few weeks from now, and while she had consciously severed herself from the wedding planning process (she hadn't liked it much the first time around and now was no exception, considering her depression and their two kids exhausted her to no end), she was still curious what he had managed so far.

He looked down at her now, lowering the book.

"I'll tell you something about it if you tell me whether or not you're wearing a dress."

"That's emotional blackmail."

"You want to know or not?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed. Frankly, she didn't know the answer to his request yet. She had stuck by her statement of not wanting a dress, she had set her sights on a lovely suit… but her maid-of-honor hadn't accepted that of course, and they had an appointment planned at this bridal shop the day after tomorrow. She didn't want to go, but she would humor Daisy, and hoped Daisy would get off her back if she saw how much May didn't want to wear a wedding dress.

"Fine. I'll be surprised," she muttered, settling back into his arms, her back against his chest now. He gave an audible sign of disappointment and put the book on the side table, wrapping his arms around her. She looked up at him again. "You thought I would tell you?"

"I had hope, yes."

"You know I won't be wearing a dress."

He shrugged. "I thought… for this one time, you would humor me. I would have loved to see you in a wedding dress."

"You've seen me in one before."

His eyes got dark all of a sudden and he averted his eyes. She wondered only for a few seconds what had gotten into him, then realized what it was that he was thinking about.

"It wasn't for my eyes."

She had worn the dress for Andrew Garner back then. Phil had shown up to the wedding but had stayed in the back of the room and had left before everything was well and truly done.

She knew, because she had searched for him in the crowd. She had seen him leave, and remembered how her heart had broken into a million pieces. (That should have been enough proof that she loved Phil more than she had ever loved Andrew.)

"I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "You loved him. I know you still do, and I can't blame you. He was very loveable. But… well, in any case, I'm happy that I get to marry you now."

She smiled at him and he was still a little lost in thoughts, so she just linked their hands and kissed some of the tips of his fingers. Even from the left hand, knowing he wouldn't be able to feel it. He had once cursed that stupid robot hand but she loved it, because it showed her of that one time death had not managed to catch up with him.

"You did look beautiful, though," he whispered. "But if you don't want to wear another dress… I understand. I'll accept it. This will be your day, too, so you get to be happy and comfortable."

When she was about to answer him, tell him how sweet he was being and that she would rethink her opinion on a dress, they heard noises coming from the front door, and May got up immediately to meet Daisy.

However, the door didn't open. They heard scuffling from outside, hushed voices, but nobody opened the door. So May did.

She found Daisy and another kid, probably early twenties, who was holding up Daisy with an arm around her waist.

The girl looked up when she heard the door opening, terrified look on her face. Daisy was mumbling incoherently. Phil had joined them and was already reaching out to take over Daisy. He was carrying her inside while May looked at the other girl. May knew she had a reputation in Daisy's class, after her suicide attempt had somehow leaked and they had started bullying Daisy with that information. This girl, however, didn't appear to be one of those kids - she seemed genuinely worried about Daisy, so May guessed this was one of her friends.

"Hi, Mrs. Johnson. Sorry about Daisy, she had a bit too much to drink."

"It's Mrs. Coulson," May corrected. The girl frowned but neither focused on it again. "And your name is…?"

"Melissa, ma’am."

"Thank you, Melissa, for bringing her home. How much did she drink, exactly?"

Melissa shrugged. "One of the kids turned 21 this week. They went all out. Guess they messed up the mixed drinks."

May nodded in understanding. Melissa looked past May in more worry and May's heart warmed a little - Daisy needed people who were looking after her, and sometimes, her parents weren't enough. As was evidenced with this incident. May knew very well that she couldn't always keep her eyes on her kids, not even her little baby Thomas. It wasn't realistic, but man, she wished she could keep these three kids tied to her hip permanently. 

"She will be fine. Thanks once again for looking after her. I'll, uh… I'll keep you updated if anything bad happens, alright?"

"Right! Uh, Daisy has my number in her phone. Uh… good night, Mrs. Coulson."

"You too, Melissa." May closed the door and lost all her calmness, all but running to find Phil, ending in Daisy's room. He had already taken all of the steps she would have taken if she hadn't been talking to Melissa. Phil was helping Daisy change into her PJ's, although the young woman was protesting.

"'Mnot that drunk," Daisy muttered, her speech slurred but still surprisingly clear. "I haven't lost my pants yet."

Phil chuckled and looked at May briefly over his shoulder.

"Don't tell my parents, though, they'll kill me."

"Noted. Can you take off your pants, please?"

"'Sthat an invitation?"

"I'll choose to ignore that question, seeing as you're drunk."

"'Mnot drunk."

"Right. I want to get you into bed, Daisy, and you might find this incredibly awkward in the morning." If she could even remember this.

"'Nother invitation," Daisy said, then giggled seemingly uncontrollably. May's fears had somewhat been neutralized when she saw that Daisy could talk, knowing that it wasn't that bad if she could still speak. She put her hand on Phil's arm - he got the hint.

May helped Daisy undress, all the while amused because of Daisy's statements. They became increasingly sillier and she made herself laugh countless of times. May had never known that Daisy would be a pleasant drunkard, although preferably, she wanted to see her not drunk at all.

"I really like you, y'know," Daisy said when May tucked her into bed. She hadn't done this in a long time, the last time probably when she had been sick a few years ago. May had unnecessarily worried about a stupid flu, but she had known then that Daisy was the biggest support she could ever have, and there was no way she could have raised Amelia without Daisy's help. "If I had like 47 dragons, I'd give you one."

"That's very nice, thank you."

"Or more. D'ya want more?"

"No, one is enough, thanks. I don't know where I could realistically store even one dragon."

Daisy thought about that. Fleetingly, May was reminded of Amy, who was a pro at having these nonsense conversations, too. May had always wondered where the girl got it from, but realized it was probably her big sister, and some silly genes from Phil. He had two sides to him - the serious, professional former Director Coulson, and the sweet, funny dad.

"Touché."

"I'll be waking you every few hours to make sure you're okay."

"I wanna sleep, though."

"I know. But you might get hurt if we let you sleep for too long. Trust me, I'll take care of you."

"Okay." May brushed Daisy's hair out of her face. Daisy closed her eyes and nodded. "I trust you."

May wouldn't dare to break that trust. She went over to Phil, who had remained at a close distance in case they needed any help. May kissed him briefly and put her hands on his chest, gently nudging him out of the room.

"You go to bed, Phil. I'll take it from here."

"But, Mel…"

"I'm off work tomorrow, Phil, you're not. Come on. I'll be there eventually."

He nodded and kissed her quickly, then obeyed her and left their presence. 

"You two are a pretty couple," May heard Daisy say. Perhaps she was attempting to whisper, sounded like it, but she wasn't really succeeding. "You hooked?"

May turned back towards Daisy, who was flat in her bed but her head was turned towards them. 

"As a matter of fact, we are."

"Awww, tha'so cute! Y'know, I could be a good wife. Even though 'm drunk… I know where to buy good tomatoes and cucucucumbers."

"Hey, you, close your eyes."

"'M not sleepy."

"I don't care. Close your eyes."

"You would be a good mom."

"I'm _your_ mom, in fact."

Daisy's eyes widened. "No way!"

"Yes way."

"Wooow… wooow… 'n that case, sorry fo' bein' drunk, Mom."

"It's okay. I hope you had fun."

Daisy was quiet to think, then smiled brightly. "I had fun, Mom."

"Good. Now, close your eyes and get to sleep."

"Whatever you say, Mom."

May kissed Daisy's forehead and tucked her in. "I love you, Daisy."

"I love Daisy, too."

May chuckled and took her place on Daisy's desk chair. Daisy closed her eyes and was unsurprisingly out like a light, and it pained May greatly to wake her up every ten to fifteen minutes to make sure she was doing okay. 

She had dealt with too many drunk people in the past, mostly Clint Barton, who thought he could handle his alcohol well but always ended up hammered after three beers. Even Phil had been too drunk to function this one time, and he had mostly stopped drinking after that, aside from the occasional celebratory glass of Haig. 

May was Asian. It was a common problem for many fellow (East) Asians - they couldn't quite stomach alcohol the same way other people could. She could handle one, maybe two glasses, but she would get sick from any more. She was always the designated driver and she was fine with that. It had taught her how to take care of her drunk friends, especially if they were as drunk as Daisy was right now. 

May busied herself with reading Daisy's textbooks. It was like reading a whole new language, and she was even prouder of Daisy for doing so well.

An hour passed, then two, and May's remaining worries were lifted when the girl didn't show any signs of alcohol poisoning, so she tucked Daisy in further before checking on her other kids, purely out of habit. 

Amy was just having a nightmare and May's hand brushing her hair seemed to calm the little girl down, not having woken up but seemingly having shrugged off the bad dream. 

Little Tommy was peacefully asleep, he was altogether an easy baby, sleeping through most of the nights and only crying when he was hungry or hurt. (Surprisingly, though, May had realized that he didn't startle from loud, unexpected noises around him. He had passed all the newborn tests, including a hearing test. She felt that that might become a problem further on.)

She found Phil in bed with the same book he had been pretending to read. She wasn't a bit surprised that he was still awake.

"I thought you'd be asleep by now."

He looked up at her and smiled, instantly putting down the book. It seems she was more interesting than the book after all.

He shrugged. "Me too. Guess I can't sleep without you by my side."

She quickly changed and crawled into bed, where she was met by his strong arms and his sigh of bliss when she settled her head on his chest.

She felt the same, to be honest. She hadn't really slept properly during his absence, not even when newborn baby Amelia had kept her up all night and toddler Amelia hadn't been much different, May hadn't really been able to catch much sleep without his arms around her. Daisy had tried to hold her, too, having sensed how exhausted May had been after his death, and her arms had felt nice, but they would never be the same as his. 

"Is she okay?"

"Will be once she sleeps this off. The majority of the alcohol has now been processed. I don't think she's incredibly drunk, but I put her on her side with pillows in front and behind her to prevent choking."

He looked down at her, she could tell. She let it be like that for a while, but he didn't seem to be averting his eyes. She sighed.

"What?"

"You're a pro."

"Yeah. Duh."

Phil chuckled and May would never get enough of feeling the tremors in his chest against the side of her face. She loved him happy. He had brought out many unexpected smiles from her with just his happy presence. 

"Clint?"

"Among others."

He smiled and kissed the top of her head. She knew that he was aware she was talking about him and that one time she had cared for him when he had been drunk beyond belief, but he had always claimed that he didn't remember anything of that night. He had told her that he loved her then, and she had nearly told him of her own feelings for him, before she had seen the engagement ring on her left hand and swallowed all of her words. He had never come back to that, even now, she guessed. She had known it was the alcohol talking, but she couldn't ignore how she had felt hope surging through her entire system.

She wondered what her life would have been if she had just let Phil flirt with her, woo her, instead of finding some random civilian to settle with. She knew Andrew was far from just a random civilian. She didn't want to minimize what he had meant to her, because she wouldn't have married just anybody. She couldn't deny, however, that if Phil had admitted his feelings for her then, she would have been with him without second thought. He hadn't been brave enough, but neither had she. 

"I told you I loved you… didn't I?"

"Hmm?"

"That time I was drunk off my ass. I thought it had been a dream… but… the more time passed, the more I realized… that I had said it out loud. Right?"

She nodded with slight hesitation. He returned her nod.

"Well, I meant it, even then. Perhaps… it was a bit too early, but… Mel, I wish I had said it before, you know? Perhaps our lives would be different. I've been in love with you for over two decades now, and we've only been together for a couple of years. It seems unfair that I kept my feelings to myself for all those years."

"I did too, remember? I could have just as easily admitted my love to you, too."

"I know. But I'm traditional like that. If it was my turn, I would have wooed you, courted you. Instead…"

"We ended up banging immediately."

He giggled at that. She didn't always say a lot, but the things she did say were rarely filtered.

"True. We were running out of time. Even more reasons why I should have acted sooner."

"Phil… it wouldn't have been the same. The way it was now… to be honest, it doesn't even feel like we have changed a lot, you're still my best friend, I just get to kiss you whenever I want to now. I feel like if we got together sooner… it might have been awkward. We might not have worked together, as a couple. And I… would have died if I had ever lost you, even as a friend. And really, it sounds stupid coming from me… but we can't change the past. I don't even want to. I love where we are now. I love how much you mean to me… partly because we've waited for this for so long."

A long, _long_ time. She had basically waited for him for as long as Daisy had been alive. It was bizarre to think about the fact that it had to take a lifetime for them to get together.

She would never take them for granted. She always gave him compliments when the situation allowed for it, they still went on dates together, and he would try his very best to keep their relationship fresh and meaningful. He wasn't like any other person she had ever had a relationship with, so she wouldn't treat him like that, either.

"I've said some stupid things while I was drunk," Phil whispered, changing the conversation for some reason.

"True," she replied. "But you've never promised me one of your 47 dragons."

Phil giggled and she kissed him, just to be able to feel him laugh against her lips. She loved that feeling.

They heard some noises coming from the bathroom, and May instantly went into caring mode. Not even Phil's hands would have succeeded in holding her down.

"Don't feel bad if you fall asleep," she called over her shoulder, and heard him sighing. She hoped he would be sleeping by the time she returned - he had to sleep more.

She found Daisy in the bathroom rummaging through the cabinets. 

"What are you doing?"

"'M looking for breath mints."

"Breath mints?"

"Yeah, gotta smell good 'n case the guys come."

"I doubt you're having guys over tonight."

"You never know."

May rolled her eyes and grabbed both of Daisy's wrists, pulling her into the direction of the younger woman's bedroom. 

"I _do_ know, as a matter of fact, because you're in _my_ house and you're not having guys over I've never met before."

Daisy pouted but didn't protest when May put her to bed again. May made sure to keep the pillows in place again, seeing as Daisy might choke if she slept on her back.

"You're zzzzuch a sport spoil."

"Sure I am. Good night, Daisy."

"G'd night, Daisy."

May smiled and left the bedroom once again. One thing she had learned from drunk Daisy: despite the two not sharing any DNA whatsoever, there was no question Daisy and Amelia were sisters.

She returned to bed and wasn't surprised to find Phil asleep, his book on his stomach, so no doubt he had attempted to stay up. May gently took the book from him and removed his reading glasses, kissed him briefly and turned off the lights. 

~...~

Daisy had been incredibly ashamed the morning after, even though her head had hurt her greatly, she still insisted on helping May wherever she could. May had tried shrugging it off, she only needed to care for her babies, but Daisy rolled out of bed, apologized to May and took over Amy from May. 

Phil had already left for work by the time Daisy was awake, but he had laughed at her heartily when he had come home and he saw her decrepit state on the couch. Thomas was asleep on her chest while May was working around the house. He kissed May when she came close.

"When can Mel claim her dragon?"

May laughed, especially when she saw Daisy's confused yet simultaneously mortified look when she stared at Phil.

"What?"

"You promised her one of your 47 dragons."

Daisy covered her face with both her hands while May and Phil laughed. It was a bit of schadenfreude, May had to admit. She wouldn't have laughed like this if Daisy had been injured in any way, but she felt her laughing was justified this time around. Phil was always a great judge when it came to 'socially acceptable', and considering he was laughing…

"Oh my god." Daisy was definitely blushing. May loved being able to tease her like this.

"You were very funny, to be honest. I should have filmed it."

"Please don't."

"Next time, I'll film it."

Daisy shook her head and sat up slightly, her hands now supporting the sleepy baby. "There won't be a next time."

Phil's smile dropped a little and he nodded. May felt a scolding coming up and took Thomas from her. He was getting smelly anyway and oddly enough, May loved to change his dirty diapers. "I hope so. I'm happy you had fun, but I would prefer not to see you that drunk in our house again."

Daisy nodded solemnly. Phil was rarely this serious so perhaps it showed how important Daisy was to him. He had been worried about her safety, too.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, brushing some of her hair behind her ears. "It won't happen again. And I already apologized to Mel, and the kids. I didn't mean to make you worry."

May quietly left the room, Thomas wiggling in her arms happily. She had already had her scolding with Daisy, even though there wasn't much to be scolding about. May and Phil had been young, too, and he had admitted himself that he had been that drunk before, too. Daisy hadn't hurt anyone nor herself and she had been relatively quiet, so the little ones hadn't noticed anything.

But if Phil wanted to scold Daisy, May would let him. He was her father, after all. 


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, be warned: this chapter is emotional but also ends up being rough at the end... you have been warned!

The next day, May and Daisy went to that much dreaded appointment at the wedding store, and of course Daisy was ecstatic. Thomas was at daycare and Amy was spending the day with Phil, because no way would she be able to keep it a secret whether or not May would be wearing a dress. Phil was planning a lot of surprises for her, May knew, so the least she could do as payback was keep this a surprise, too.

Even though at this moment, she would probably choose her PJ's.

"I'll convince you, mark my words. You'll be so pretty!"

May felt like a boulder was pushing on her insides. She remembered some of this from last time, although it had been a bit different back then. She had been another woman, way before Bahrain, serious and quiet but playful too whenever she could be. Phil had always managed to draw out laughs, but it had become a bit harder since that fateful day.

Getting married to Andrew had been lovely, like stepping into a fairytale. She had learned later that fairytales didn't exist, only dreams bordering nightmares.

May nearly threw up when she saw all the dresses on the racks, some completely covered in lace, others with little diamonds. Ugh. Were there seriously women who wore these things? What did that say about the type of woman May was?

Daisy loved this. She touched every dress lovingly, her eyes lighting up. May wondered if Daisy would ever get to experience this, if she would ever be able to open up her heart for someone the way May had to Phil. Daisy deserved to find someone like that, but May doubted she would be open for that. Not as long as she had a happy place in this little family and had her adorable baby siblings to look after.

May knew Daisy didn't want kids. In some dark evenings, the girl had admitted that to May. Amelia felt like her kid, in some way, especially before Phil had magically returned. They had been raising that little lady together and while her and Daisy weren't involved like that, it still felt a little like she was one of Amelia's parents. They had taken turns getting out of bed at night to change diapers or feed her, and Daisy had often taken the little girl to appointments with her pediatrician. As far as May was concerned, Daisy was Amelia and Thomas' bonus parent as well as their sister.

"And what about this, Mel?" Daisy asked as she pulled one dress out from between all the others. There was so much skirt May raised an eyebrow and made Daisy laugh.

Their shopping assistant, Brian, was a lovely young man, around Daisy's age, and definitely gay. Wasn't that a stereotype they should break, that only gay men loved fashion? Brian didn't seem to mind, however, rummaging around all those dresses.

"So, which one of you lovely ladies is the lucky one?"

Daisy giggled as she raised May's hand, and Brian clapped his hands and offered her a glass of champagne. May felt even less happy to be here, because her antidepressants and alcohol were a horrible combination. Daisy shook her head for her and Brian nodded politely, probably already having judged the kind of women they were.

"Alright, Melinda, what is it you're looking for? In a dress, I mean. You already know your type of men."

Daisy snickered by May's side and put her hand on May's upper arm. Daisy took charge from there, skillfully emitting the fact that May didn't want to wear a dress at all. Brain heard her suggestions, nodded enthusiastically, then turned to May when she was finished.

"You game?"

"No."

"No?" But somehow, he still seemed to understand. He directed Daisy to sit on the couch in the showroom and busied her with the champagne from earlier. "Behave."

Daisy's giddy mood disappeared but there was little time to focus on that as Brian pushed May into one of the fitting rooms.

"Spill."

May frowned at him, but remained stubbornly quiet. She wasn't going to be buying a dress here so she didn't think he deserved to hear her life story. He looked at her intently, though.

Did her face look like that whenever she was strict with anyone? She suddenly understood why people would be intimidated into obedience because of that look, although it didn't work on her. 

"I don't want to wear a dress."

"Okay. Uh-huh. Why not?"

"I'm not the dress type."

"Every woman is a dress type in their own way, Melinda. I have not had a single customer who left this store without a dress. Shall we just get started on one, and see what fits you?"

May shrugged. She could tell Brian wouldn't back down so she guessed there was no point in trying to struggle. 

"So I see you have some scarring on your arms and shoulders. You want to cover it or flaunt it?"

"Cover."  _ Please _ . She was happy she had survived everything that had happened in the past few years but there was no way she would show them off. 

He showed her one dress, due to his height, he had to hold his arm all the way above his head to make sure the dress didn't drag on the carpet. He looked at her briefly as she took in the dress and then smiled at her, waving the dress away.

"That was just a warming-up. Next!"

She felt stupid and very naked as she stood in the dressing room in just her underwear. Brian didn't care, but she certainly did. He showed her dress after dress and she kept rejecting all of them, but much to his credit, he didn't lose patience once. 

"Let's just try one on now, Melinda. I promise you, it won't bite. You don't have to buy it if you don't like it."

May sighed and caved. The previous dresses had all been incredibly poofy, filled with lace and stupid ornaments she hated. Brian pulled out the first simple dress, a bit of lace on the elbow-long sleeves but it was doable. May sighed again and let Brian help her into the dress.

She didn't feel anything. She looked at herself in the mirror and wondered whether she really wanted a wedding. 

"Let's go show Daisy."

He walked in front of her and she followed him to the showroom, where Daisy was still sat on the couch with the same glass of champagne on the table beside her. She probably hadn't taken a sip whatsoever, her drunk trip from the day before still no doubt fresh on her mind. She looked at May entering the room and simultaneously smiled and shook her head. 

"It's beautiful, but it isn't you."

"This is about the tenth dress I've shown her, but I still haven't lost hope. Melinda, your dress is here somewhere, I can feel it! We just have to find it."

She wore about five more dresses before she was about to cry, and that wasn't something she did a lot these days, especially not publicly. Brian could tell she was getting frustrated and he pushed all the dresses out of the fitting room, gave her one of those silky robes and made her sit down. He offered her a glass of water.

"Tell me about your fiance," Brian prompted gently, his hands to himself but his heart definitely reaching out for hers. 

She broke. She wanted to do this for Phil, wanted to give him that one chance to see her in a wedding dress, meant for  _ his _ eyes. He deserved that. He deserved so much. He deserved a woman who could love him every single day, love him more than she loved taking a breath, more than life itself. He deserved to be pampered on the weekends and sleep in next to his beautiful wife.

He deserved everything. But he wanted her. Just her. No one else would do. 

She would wear a dress for him, if it was the last thing she did. He deserved that.

"He's... the best... thing that ever happened... to me," she whispered in between sobs. "I wouldn't... be alive if it weren't for Phil."

Brian nodded and let her cry, his hands gingerly reaching out for hers. He brushed the tops of her hands with his thumbs, and she focused on that through her tears. Phil would do that, too. Brian's thumbs carefully climbed up until he could brush the scars on her wrists. She almost pulled back, but he was incredibly gentle, and somehow… her heart was telling her that he understood. Nobody else was ever allowed to touch these scars, only Phil, so she was shocked at the fact that she let Brian do this.

"I understand, sweetheart," he whispered. He pulled slightly on his sleeves to reveal almost identical scars. That shocked her even more. "It's always going to be a battle, and I know what it's like. But we have to let people like your Phil in, and Daisy. Without people like them…"

She would be dead. And it seemed, Brian would be, too.

"You have good days, Melinda," he whispered. "I don't know you, I know that, I can only speak from my personal experience, but it was hard for me to see the good through all the evil. I found myself a sweetheart, and well… he showed me how beautiful life is. Even with that stupid depression. I know you feel the same way."

May nodded. Phil kept showing her on a daily basis how beautiful everything was, their kids, the world, herself. 

"Okay. Dry your tears and find yourself a dress. I'm still sure there's one here for you."

Brian's determination and enthusiasm was contagious and before she knew it, May was hoisting herself in the dresses she had dismissed not too long ago. Her heart still felt heavy, because she hated when she cried like that, but she had gained much more trust in Brian, laying open their similar scars, knowing they were more or less in the same boat. 

She still hated all of the dresses, showing only half to Daisy who dismissed them just as quickly as May had, but May was suddenly determined to find one. If Brian believed that they could find a dress, so did May. And anyway, she knew Phil deserved to see her in a wedding dress.

"I'll hate it," she stated when she saw the next dress. The body was full of lace, the tulle of the skirt covered with a few lace flowers. Brian explained it was a fit-and-flare dress with a sweetheart neckline but it didn't really ring a bell. 

Contrary to her spoken words, something happened in her lower belly that she couldn't explain.

"You haven't even tried it on, you stubborn woman. Try it."

Brian helped her into the dress, buttoned up the back of the dress and helped her onto the small pedestal in the fitting room.

She looked in the mirror. The feeling in her belly intensified. 

Wait...

"Shall we show Daisy?"

May nodded numbly and again followed Brian into the showroom. Daisy still hadn't touched the champagne, and was instead busying herself with her phone. When she noticed they had returned, the small smile her texting had given her dropped as she looked at May.

They were all silent. For a long time. They all looked at May in the wedding dress.

It was the complete opposite of what she had requested, it emphasized exactly all those parts of her she had wanted to keep hidden. The shoulders were bare, showing the faint burn marks she had sustained from the house fire years ago. A bit of lace served as cap-sleeves, covering only a little bit of her upper arms. The rest of her arms were bare like her shoulders, also showcasing the scars of her suicide attempt, a few weeks after Phil had returned. The body was tight, and she could clearly see the little bump of baby fat she couldn't quite get rid of after carrying two babies full term. A tulle skirt effortlessly started from the body at her knees, with a little train spreading around her feet. 

It accentuated exactly what she wanted to cover. And yet… it felt right. All of it. Everything that had happened in the past few years had made her into the woman she was nowadays, and the woman Phil wanted marry.

"Oh Mel," Daisy breathed, her hand covering her mouth and tears in her eyes. May nodded. May had to swallow to keep her tears at bay. "Is this the one?"

May shrugged, as though she wasn't touched by the version of herself that she saw in the mirror. 

She could already envision Phil's face when he would see her in this dress. Would he cry, like Daisy? Probably. He was a crybaby, but there was nothing wrong with that. He was sensitive and yet still the epitome of manliness to her. She felt the earlier feeling in her belly rise to a crescendo and realized it was butterflies. She couldn't wait to show Phil this dress.  _ Her _ in this dress.

Daisy stood and wrapped an arm around May's shoulders.

"Yes. This is the one."

Daisy and Brian cheered and the man once again reached for the glass of champagne, offering it to Daisy who finally took a sip.

May didn't really pay much attention to them. When Brian put a clip in her hair and attached a veil, he smiled at her. 

"Told you so," he whispered. "The veil is on me."

Perhaps she could believe in a fairytale after all. If she could wear this dress for the love of her life, and already envision his reaction to it… if that wasn't a fairytale, what else was?

They finished the appointment, Brian got May's measurements and admitted it was short notice but he was certain the dress would be finished in time. May was still lost in pleasant thoughts when she felt Daisy rummage through her bag and answer her phone in her stead.

"I'm standing next to her, what's wrong?"

May was torn out of her daydreams immediately as she saw Daisy's face drop, and the girl's smile was replaced with fear and shock.

"Wait… what? Where?"

May wanted more information right that instant but she knew Daisy had to keep on the phone to get that information. Daisy's fear quickly replaced with determination but for what May did not know. When she hung up the phone, she looked May in the eye, but hesitated.

"Well?"

"Phil's in the hospital."

May's soul probably left her body for a few seconds. She did in fact see black spots in front of her eyes but she fought it off. 

Phil was in the hospital. She felt angry, sad, what had happened? Phil and Amy had planned to have fun together, whatever Phil had planned, May knew they would come home with endless stories of the fun they'd had. These weren't the stories she had envisioned.

"Where is he?" May asked. It was the only rational thing she felt she could say. She wanted to break down right here and sob on the floor but she needed to be with Phil and make sure he was okay. That was most important. 


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize I left y'all hanging and I had intended on updating sooner, but you know, life.  
> Also, terrified for today's election even tho I'm not an American, nor do I live in the US. Unfortunately, y'all's politics influence my country's politics, too.  
> Also #2, be warned: this chapter is quite tough in places.

Daisy drove them to the hospital but honestly, both of them were too shocked to be driving safely. They couldn't waste any time, they had to be at the hospital, preferably an hour ago.

A cop was waiting for them at the entrance, somehow having guessed who they were. Perhaps it also had to do with the toddler girl who came running towards them, sobbing hysterically. 

"Mommy!"

May held onto Amy tightly. She wouldn't let go, no matter what. May was still in a bit of a blur - one moment, she had been on the moon, in the wedding dress she had never expected she would ever wear; the next, she was in the hospital because for some reason, her husband had been admitted here.

"What happened?" Daisy asked. She took charge of most of the conversation, like she had back at the bridal store. This was the other end of the emotional spectrum, however. 

"We're still uncertain, but we suspect Mr. Coulson was the victim of a hate crime."

A hate crime? Phil Coulson was the whitest man May had ever known, from redoing his failed high fives to raving about this new scented laundry detergent he had purchased to clapping when the plane landed (even when she flew it.) How could he of all people be the target of a hate crime? White people were rarely the victims in hate crimes.

"We have the attackers in custody, we're trying to get a statement out of them as we speak."

May felt her blood begin to boil in her veins. Someone had attacked Phil, _in front of their daughter_. If she ever came face to face with these people, she would probably end them.

She wanted to get mad and hit something or someone, but Amy still sobbing in her arms distracted her from that. She had to be strong for her baby girl, perhaps she could still undo some of the emotional damage these people had done.

"I'm here, baby girl. Everything will be okay."

"Is Daddy okay, Mommy?"

"I don't know." May looked at the officer, whose face softened slightly at the sight of this little girl finally reunited with someone she knew. May didn't want to think about what this girl must have been going through, and doubted that she didn't need therapy after this. 

"He's stable. He did receive quite a beating, though. You can see him, if you'd like?"

Thank god. He was stable. She still didn't know what that meant, in the worse situations, stable was still very bad, but she had to have faith. There was no way that their story was already over. 

May nodded frantically and while holding on to her daughter tightly, followed the officer through the hallways.

"Are you okay, baby girl?" May whispered as they stood in the elevator. The girl was shaking and quiet now, as though the adrenaline and fear was finally leaving her body and making her exhausted. She probably was. May was wondering how they would spend the upcoming night because of course May would stay with Phil, but of course, Amy would want to stay with her. May doubted that they would let her stay at the hospital, let alone a toddler girl.

How had Phil done this when she had been in the hospital? Amy had been younger then, sure, but she had been attached to May's hip, still was, so they probably had forced her to stay at home back then.

Amy didn't talk anymore, was crying silently in the crook of May's neck. May looked at Daisy, who pushed her face against May's upper arm briefly for support.

Phil was awake but barely there, and he didn't seem to notice them entering the room. Amy wriggled in May's arms and she decided to put the girl on the bed with him. He noticed the bed dipping beside him and looked at them. He smiled, but he looked sort of dazed. 

He looked horrible, to be honest. There were still traces of blood on his face, one of his eyes was swollen beyond belief, and his right hand was in a cast, perched on his belly. His other, robotic hand, was nowhere in sight.

Amy dove into her father's side, but Phil still seemed far away. 

"He's doped up on painkillers at the moment," a nurse commented as she stood in the doorway. "I assume you're the family?"

May nodded. Once again, without discussing it verbally, Daisy took the reigns, because they never needed words for that. Daisy usually took the reigns anyway.

"How is he?"

"As you can see, pretty beaten up, but he'll be fine. He has multiple fractures in his right hand, and he suffers a serious concussion, so he'll probably be a bit dazed like this for a couple of days, and he'll have to recover for a few weeks, at least. But we're certain he'll be okay. We were just about to do a final check so we can release him."

Daisy frowned. "Like this?" She pointed at Phil, who looked like he was seeing leopards dancing in the room.

The nurse nodded. "It's just the painkillers. We don't usually give strong ones in these cases but we were having some trouble holding him down. He was panicking."

No wonder. May was quickly putting the pieces together because she knew the kind of kicks and punches someone had to land to cause these kinds of injuries. 

"He lost consciousness and we brought him in immediately to monitor him. He kept asking about an Amelia?"

"That's her," Daisy said, pointing at Amy, who had mostly calmed down now that she could see her father again. May took her place on Phil's other side, kissing his forehead gently, mindful of his injuries.

She could hear Daisy's conversation with the nurse and noticed when the same officer from before walked into the room, but she was honestly more interested in Phil at that moment. 

"Hey," she whispered, brushing his cheek. He looked up at her and for a moment, she thought he wouldn't recognize her, because his eyes seemed glassy, yet he smiled at her and leaned into her touch.

"May," he whispered. He sat like that for a few seconds, probably thinking things through, for as much as that was possible with his concussion. "May. I tried to protect her."

She nodded. "I know. She's fine. Look."

May pointed to the little girl who was settled into his side sucking her thumb for more comfort, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He seemed to be battling his confusion and succeeding, because he finally focused on Amelia. It seemed he was getting a bit of his focus back because they were here, and he wasn't just surrounded by unfamiliar people.

He was checked up further and Amy and May didn't move from his side.

"You will have to regularly treat his eye with this antibacterial gel, and make sure someone stays with him constantly for the next 24 hours. After that, make sure he rests. If any of his concussion symptoms get worse, don't hesitate to contact us immediately. Better safe than sorry. He might be a little sick for a while, that's nothing to worry about. And please, schedule a follow up appointment at the front desk for his arm. And take care."

The police officer, who eventually had identified himself as Officer Gordon, had exchanged contact information with Daisy. He would keep them updated on the investigation and let them know if they needed any additional information from Phil or Amy. He had also offered victim support for Amy, but May had declined it. She would let the girl calm down and rest for the moment and if any problems arose, she would probably contact Sarah.

Phil was still woozy when he was dismissed, so they arranged a wheelchair to help him to the car. Amy sat in his lap, holding on to the arm rests tightly because he couldn't hold her. Daisy was in charge of carrying his prosthetic arm, but had requested for a bag because she had found it incredibly awkward to walk around with his _arm_. (It had been damaged considerably. He would probably need a new one.)

"May? Since when do I have wheels?"

"Excuse me?"

He looked to his side, waving warily with his head towards the wheels of the wheelchair. 

"Is that why I was in the hospital? Did I get prosthetic wheels?"

Amy chuckled at this silliness but May knew he was deadly serious. It seemed she would have to deal with this kind of behavior for the second time in a little over 24 hours, Daisy's drunk mood included. 

"Sure."

"May! What happened to my arm! Did they cut off my arm?!"

Daisy held onto May's arm as they walked to the parking lot. Their eyes crossed for a moment - they knew he had been extremely lucky. To be attacked by multiple people at once… May had no doubt that he hadn't wanted to fight them in the first place, because Amy was watching and none of them wanted to give her the idea that violence was a good idea, no matter the situation. Did he defend himself? He had to have defended himself, right?

But May could breathe properly again since getting that phone call. It could have been a lot worse, that's for sure.

~...~

May had helped Phil into bed as soon as they had come home and had closed the curtains. It seemed like the tables had turned - not too long ago, their positions had been switched, and she had been the one in bed in the middle of the day.

He was out like a light and she let him, leaving the door opened a tiny bit so she could still hear him. She tended to Amy properly and wasn't surprised that the girl cried again.

"Was it scary, baby?"

Amy nodded. She opened her mouth to say something but broke down into sobs again. May was worried about her little girl and her mental health. She had been so careful to guide her in the right direction, promote happy thoughts and shower her with compliments when the situation allowed for it, but she was afraid that this had still impacted the girl. To assume Amy wouldn't be affected by these events just because she was so young would be wrong.

"It's okay now. Daddy will be okay, I promise. We will have to take care of Daddy for a while, and he will have to stay at home during that time, but he will be fine."

Daisy turned on the TV and switched the channel to Paw Patrol, still Amy's favorite show. It took her a while to tear her head away from May's safe chest, but while settling into her side, the girl eventually started watching. Daisy finished the picture with Mr. Snuggles, true to its name, providing a bit more comfort to the little girl.

"I'll get Thomas from daycare. Need me to pick up something on my way here?"

May shook her head. Just before Daisy had left the room, May changed her mind.

"Bring pizzas."

Daisy's face lit up and she nodded. May usually didn't indulge in eating unhealthy food, because part of her antidepressants regimen was eating healthy to promote general health, but she found that this was an exception. She didn't think any of them would be up for cooking anyway, and especially not May, because most of them refused to eat her food. (That was a slight exaggeration, yet everyone preferred Phil's cooking including her so when it was her night to cook, even she was disappointed that they didn't get to eat anything interesting. She hoped Phil would teach their kids how to cook.)

Amy was caught up in her favorite show, and perhaps this was therapeutic for her at the moment, make her think of happier things. May couldn't really sit still, not when she was certain Amy was relatively okay. She had checked up the girl, knowing they had done so at the hospital too, but wasn't completely surprised to find not even a scratch. It seemed Phil really had protected her well, whatever had happened.

May stood and went to check up on Phil about an hour after putting him to bed. Amy followed her, which also wasn't a surprise - May could probably expect the girl to be a bit more clingy for a while. After all, she did see one of her parents being beat up.

"We have to be careful and quiet around Daddy, okay?"

May knew Amy knew how to do that. She had seen it countless of times in the darkest days of her depression. 

Phil was stirring and stopped when Amy climbed onto the bed carefully, touching his shoulder briefly. He opened his eyes and lifted his head and of course, he still looked bad with his split lip and swollen eye, and of course, Amy started crying at the sight.

He lay like that for a while, looking at Amy, who was crying against his side. May wanted to do more but she felt that she needed to let this moment be for a while. These two had been through something traumatic together and needed to recover.

Phil looked at May. She couldn't keep herself from kissing his lips briefly. She just had to. His eyes were closed in bliss when she pulled away. The painkillers seemed to have been broken down by his quick nap, when he opened them, his eyes were clearer than they were before. He looked down at Amy again.

"Baby girl," he whispered eventually, and she looked up at him, tears on her cheeks and chin. Phil had no available hands to brush her cheeks, May knew that, so she reached out to brush her tears away. "Daddy's okay. See? I'm sorry you had to see that, baby girl."

Amy shook her head and sat up straight. She wiped at her face and then reached out to hold one protruding finger of his. May could tell she was hurting him, his arm was still very sensitive no doubt, but he wouldn't let Amy notice it. 

"You protect me, Daddy."

"I sure did. I won't let anything bad happen to you, you know that."

Amy nodded. She might only be three, she already knew of the amazing family she had and how much they all loved her and each other. She was empathetic, because of her less than ideal living circumstances in the first two years of her life, and she knew every single member of this family would fight to protect each other.

"You hurt, Daddy?"

"A little bit. My arm hurts." Amy pulled back her hand as if burned. Tears welled up in her eyes but Phil shushed her before she could break down in sobs again. "It's okay. It'll be okay. We are tough, right? We won't let some bullies get to us."

Amy nodded again and wrapped her arms around his neck. His face morphed into pain but he let it happen, let this little girl find comfort like this. She needed to confirm for herself that he was okay and that he had been hurt but he was stronger than that. 

"I have a spare prosthetic in my lowest drawer," Phil whispered, trying to cover Amy to soothe her with his right hand but it was much too sore yet, and he could barely lift it. May nodded in understanding and searched where he had directed her, indeed finding a simpler, but spare prosthetic. (May still didn't rummage through his stuff. She didn't have the right.)

She helped him attach it and watched as he finally enveloped Amy into his arms.

"I love you, baby girl," he whispered. 

"I LOVE YOU TOO DADDY." Seemed Amy had forgotten how to use her inside voice through her worries and fears.

Phil chuckled but hissed in pain simultaneously. He probably still had a headache, would likely have one for a while to come. He had been beaten pretty badly. 

She cried in his arms for a while, until they heard Daisy come home accompanied with a cooing and chuckling baby.

"Cay cay!" Amy yelled, tears still on her cheeks but her pain forgotten for a moment, as she jumped up and charged out of the room. 

May smiled and shook her head, brushing his cheek carefully again. She helped him straighten a little.

"Do you remember anything?"

"Most of it, I guess."

"Do you… want to talk about it?"

He looked at her. She wouldn't force him if he didn't want to, but she knew from personal experience that it was cathartic to discuss traumatic events.

"We can do it later," she added quickly, getting up to join their kids in the living room. He reached for her hand.

"I do. I just… wish I could have done more.”

She linked their hands, admitting only to herself that this prosthetic somehow felt much different than his standard one. They would contact Fitz when Phil was properly recovered.

“What happened?”

“Amy and I were at the park… the one right by the railway station. We wanted a change of scenery, I guess. I was watching Amy play on the slide, you know how that’s her favorite thing?” Phil smiled briefly and May nodded. She wasn’t a fan of going to the park herself. She might be doing better now, but there were still too many unfamiliar people there minding any business but their own and she wanted to stay away from that kind of negative energy as much as possible. Therefore, she liked the fact that Phil did enjoy going, so their girl would get the chance to play outside as well. “We were about the only ones left, I guess everyone left for lunch or something… I guess I can understand why people would draw conclusions from that, that we were alone… well, anyway… this group of men showed up with a couple of the women I had seen earlier behind them. I yelled at Amy to stay away, because I’ve seen enough missions turn sour in the past and I could just feel… that it was going to happen again.”

He paused. Swallowed audibly. May’s heart hurt because she wanted to take away the pain he was feeling by reliving what had happened to him but she knew she couldn’t. God knows Phil had tried numerous times to lift some of her pain in the past, but without much success. 

“They called me a pervert, said they had called the police. It didn’t really dawn on me what was really happening… but when they threw me onto the ground, I guess I realized then.”  
“Why… why would they just attack you like that?”

Their eyes met then. He had been looking at his hands during most of his monologue.

“Because I’m white and Amy’s Asian, and unfortunately, white men don’t have a good track record with Asian minors.”

Wow. May’s heart seemingly froze in her chest for a few minutes, as they sat there in their bedroom, both quiet. She could hear Daisy entertain her baby siblings, Paw Patrol on in the background a little louder than it had been before.

She knew the police suspected a hate crime, but she hadn’t put the pieces together until just now. These men had attacked Phil because they thought that he might have kidnapped Amy, or perhaps otherwise hurt or abuse her. They had assumed the worst without asking questions and had badly injured this poor man.

“Oh Phil…”

“I know she doesn’t look like me, but… and I have been afraid of something like this happening before, believe it or not. I know people have this tendency to act first and ask questions later. Well… I don’t remember much of the actual beating, but I highly doubt that they asked who I was, you know… in relation to Amy.”

She wrapped an arm around his neck and took in a deep breath, in relief, because he was beaten up but mostly okay; in anger, because for fuck’s sake, who had given these people the right to touch Phil like that?!

He inhaled deeply, too, and they sat like that for a while. 

“Phil, I… I’m sorry.”

“No way. You’re not apologizing for anything, Mel.”

She wanted to protest, if she hadn’t gone on that stupid wedding dress hunt she would have been with him and they could have gone to the park together and these people would see where Amy got the Chinese genes from, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.

A knock on the door came.

“Uh… sorry to interrupt, but the pizzas are getting cold.”

Phil chuckled and hissed in pain immediately. There was no way he was getting out of this bed any time soon, May wouldn’t allow for it. She looked up at Daisy, who was standing in the doorway.

“Bring them in. We can watch a movie here.”

Daisy smiled and nodded, not long after Amy ran into the room, followed by her baby brother, who giggled loudly, tripped, and giggled some more. May picked him up from the floor and hugged him tightly, just for a few moments, happy that he was here and safe. She realized that perhaps if Thomas had been with Phil and Amy, in his pram with that beautiful smile of his he had definitely inherited from Phil, these people would have been able to put two and two together much quicker. But thankfully, Tommy had been at daycare where he was safe, and May was happy with that. 

“Mama!”

“Hey, buddy. I’ve missed you.”

She wanted to place him in Phil’s arms because he must also want to make sure for himself that the little boy was alright, but there was no way that Phil would be able to deal with this over-excited baby in his current state. She gave Phil the chance to kiss the boy’s cheek, then pulled up the high chair from the kitchen and situated the boy right next to the bed. 

They sat on the bed together, all four of them and Tommy not far away, holding onto each other and their pizzas protectively, and May seemed to be the only one who noticed that Phil had fallen asleep halfway through the movie. Tommy had also started fussing so May had put him to bed eventually.

“You stay with Phil,” Daisy whispered as the two of them met in front of the bedroom door. Daisy was holding Amy upside down by her ankles and the girl was attempting to walk on her hands. “I’ll take care of the kids. I want him to be okay.”

“We can take turns,” May offered. Daisy shook her head. She let go of Amy who fell to the floor with a loud thud, but continued on her way so neither women were too worried about her being hurt. 

“He’ll only want you. I know, because… I felt the same way. You know. When you dragged me into bed when I was super drunk. I know you’ll never hurt me, ever… and he knows that, too.”

“You won’t hurt him, either.”  
Daisy shrugged. “I guess. But I’ll be weirded out if I need to help him take a shower or something.”   
May smiled and nodded in understanding. At Phil’s age, he shouldn’t be requiring the assistance of his children. So May guessed she would be taking care of Phil again. Her slightly panicking heart reminded her of Tahiti, but he had been dying then, and there was certainly no dying happening this time around. She would make sure of it.

Phil awoke when she crawled into bed a bit later that night, exhausted herself because of everything that had happened that day. (She’d had an emotional breakdown in a bridal store, after all.)

“I forgot to ask,” he whispered, after she had changed the gauze on his eye and had given him some water. She had felt him watch her as she was undressing, but there would be _none_ of _that_ happening tonight. “How did it go at the store?”

She huffed and rolled her eyes. She shook her head. 

“You want to focus on that now?”

“Yes, I do. I would rather think of happy things at the moment.” She suddenly realized that if he was allowed to go into a deep sleep tonight, he would probably have nightmares. She didn’t remember the doctor giving her instructions to wake him during the night… should she do it anyway, just to be sure?

He smiled at her and she frowned.

"You know what? Never mind," he whispered. "I'd like to be surprised."

"What?"

"I don't want to know yet whether or not you're wearing a dress. It'll be a surprise to me. I can't wait to see you that day, no matter what you're wearing. You know… you're beautiful to me either way."

She wanted to tell him so much. She had found the most beautiful dress she could and she would wear it for him on their wedding day, but she guessed, surprising him would be almost better.

His words did her well, though. A part of her had been afraid of what the damage could have done to his brain. She didn't know if it was possible but for a few moments, she had been scared that he would forget everything they had been through since his return. But to hear him say this… he was still here, alive and relatively well.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

"Well, okay is the wrong word-"

She pulled him down and kissed him and he smiled against her lips. Normally, he would pull her closer at this point, but she was on his wrong side and he couldn't use his right arm due to the cast. She pushed closer instead.

Yet before things could heat up, which she hadn't intended them to in the first place, he fell asleep.

She watched over him for most of the night, putting Amy back to bed multiple times after waking up from her nightmares. Only when she was satisfied both Phil and Amy would be okay, did she allow herself to fall asleep. She could already see the sun rising. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to clarify that in no way, shape or form am I trying to downplay real-life hate crimes that happen in the world, and especially in the US. On a daily basis, people of minority groups are wrongfully targetted and I regret that greatly. In no way would I desire to take attention away from those issues. I am aware, however, as a white person in a predominantly white community, that white-on-white crime does actually happen (and in Europe, where I'm from, one country's 'white' is a totally different white than the next country's), and it often happens like this. Phil will be alright, though, don't worry!


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> USA, you have done me proud this week. I had mad anxiety all over the place since Tuesday, made worse because of the god damn timezones and every time I went to bed I was afraid something major would happen while I was asleep, but thank goodness that wasn't the case. When I got the push notification on my phone, I was having dinner and honest to god spit it out all over my laptop. Good job, y'all, and now let's hope the other side doesn't start a civil war before January 20th.  
> Also, thanks for sticking with this story. God knows it has truly gotten away from me at this point but I enjoy the fact that y'all still enjoy it!

Phil woke up the next morning with a headache and his stiff arm causing him some pain, too. Melinda was cuddled against his side and his heart warmed, like it always did.

He was a bit confused by why his arm was in a cast and he felt bandages on his head, too, but it quickly came to him. He got up and needed to walk off some of his anger, he would have their heads eventually. 

He saw Amy in the living room cuddling with Nugget, Mr. Snuggles tucked underneath her left arm tightly. He was afraid for her, of what this incident would do to her in the long run. He knew May was worried, too, because of genetics the girl would already be at a higher risk of mental illness than her peers. She had seen everything, and had been unable to help. Phil hoped that someone had made her look away but he couldn't remember anything from the attack, hoped sincerely that he wouldn't remember anything. However, the sound of this little girl screaming for him, on the top of her lungs, penetrated all of the fogginess he had concerning the events. He could still hear her screaming in the back of his head.

"Morning, baby girl," he whispered, kneeling beside her to kiss the top of her head. She looked up, surprised to see him, then jumped up and into his arms - he only had one arm to work with, but Amy didn't really take that into consideration. 

"Daddy! Daddy!" She said it happily, glad that he was safe, but he heard her screaming instead. "You okay, Daddy?"

"I am now that I know you're okay."

She smiled and nodded furiously. He walked with her to the kitchen where he sat her down on the kitchen counter and went to prepare them both some tea.

"Daddy? What's this?" she asked when he got close enough to touch his cast. He got two cups out of the cupboard (cursing himself because he used the fingertips of his right hand and that only caused a bout of pain to shoot through his arm) and put it on the counter.

"It's a cast."

"What's a cast, Daddy?"

"It's used when someone has a broken bone."

"You broke a bone?"

"A few, actually."

"Did it hurt?"

He didn't really remember breaking his arm, like he didn't remember much after they had landed their first punch. This girl had only seen him being beaten. (Perhaps her mother would have been able to fight them off, because she had some recent fight training under her belt, but it had been too long for him and they had been with too many.)

"A little. But I'm strong and brave."

"Like me!"

"Exactly. You were so strong yesterday, and I'm so proud of you."

Her face fell a little. He watched her as she thought about the day before, and he finished their tea - leaving some hot water in the kettle for Melinda, should she come down soon.

He held out his left hand to Amy who took it and he helped her down from the counter, handing her one cup and guiding her towards the living room. He held his own cup in his left hand, an empty saucer in his right, because Amelia liked drinking tea from a cup  _ with _ a saucer. She liked pretending to be a princess. 

"Daddy?" she asked him as she settled on the floor in front of the coffee table, cup of tea cooling down in front of her. He straightened her hair and nodded for her to continue. "It was very scary yesterday."

He nodded. He had to be strong for her, but he also needed to be truthful. There was no shame in feeling frightened in scary situations, and in this case, both of them had every right to be scared by what had happened. He wanted her to feel comfortable to express her fears to him, or to Melinda, if she so desired. 

"It was, wasn't it?"

She was emotional but fighting through it. She was such a champ.

"Why did they hurt you, Daddy?"

"Well… sometimes, some grown ups hurt little children, or make them do things they don't want to do. These people who hurt me, they thought I was hurting you. They didn't know that I'm your Daddy."

"You won't hurt me, Daddy."

"Very true. But these people didn't know that. They don't know how much I love you." He would protect her with his life. He didn't expect her to understand that, she was too young for that. "Hey, remember Cap?"

"America?"

He nodded. "Captain America would never let bullies like that get to him. He would just straighten his back and brush the dirt off his shoulders and go back to fighting the bad guys."

"Yeah, but Daddy, Cap has superpowers. I don't."

"Oh? I beg to differ. You have the power to fall asleep anywhere you want, and you've got backup teeth, how cool is that?"

She chuckled with tears in her eyes and he brushed the few ones that were on her cheeks away.

"You can laugh about anything, you're such a funny girl. I think that's one of the best superpowers you can have. I even think…" He drew out the last word and she looked at him with anticipation. "... that you're better than Cap."

Amy gasped and Coulson chuckled, laughing when Amy covered his mouth with her hand.

"Don't say that, Daddy!"

"Why? It's the truth, baby girl. You're stronger than Captain America."

Amy shook her head and blushed and buried her face in the crook of his neck. He loved to make her smile when she was sad, because her smile was so much more beautiful than her frown. Their tea was forgotten as they sat on the couch together, arms wrapped tightly around the other.

Melinda eventually entered the living room with a mixture of worry and fear on her face. It softened when her eyes landed on the two of them, and she took in a deep breath of relief. 

"What are you doing out of bed?" she asked, exasperated. He only realized now how the empty spot beside her would have looked like to her, after what had happened the day before. He knew she would fret over him, tending to his wounds, like he always did with her. He doubted that he would give her the opportunity to repay the favor, because he could not be confined to a bed. He knew she wasn't like that, either, but she had valid reasons. He only had a broken arm and a bruised eye - she had her brain working against her. 

Well, technically, he had his brain work against him, too, in that he had a concussion, but that was just temporarily, bound to disappear within a few weeks, tops.

He knew Melinda's depression would always persist, and he had been angry about that at first, but he now realized that their lives didn't need to be limited just because of it. They had beautiful moments together, despite her depression. She had delivered their miracle third child, surprising everyone that she had even gotten pregnant in the first place. He still remembered finding out about the news and feeling like someone had pulled him into heaven, it must be heaven, because there was no way his fifty-something year old wife could be pregnant. She  _ was _ pregnant, however. He still considered little Thomas the biggest miracle known to mankind. 

"Mommy, Daddy says I'm better than Cap 'Merica."

Coulson saw Melinda still trying to recover from her fright, she had probably feared that something had happened to him to worsen his condition. She took in another breath.

"Oh really? I'm surprised to hear that."

Amy nodded and dove into a long monologue about whatever, Coulson wasn't quite paying attention to it. He looked at his wife, so beautiful even when she had just woken up -  _ especially  _ then.

He would remain forever mindful of her, of her changing moods and outbursts. He would always be fighting against her depression, but that was the fate he had subjected himself to when he had decided that she was the woman he wanted to marry and grow old with. 

"You okay?" he asked her. She huffed and crossed her arms. Amy had disappeared at some point but Coulson didn't worry. He was certain she would get over this, because she was strong like the rest of her family.

"I'm the one who should be asking you that question."

He shrugged. "I'm fine, that's why I didn't give you the chance to ask me."

She sighed and averted her eyes and stood in the middle of the living room, comforting herself. He stood and wrapped his left arm around her and held her close.

"Hey. I'm okay. See? Just a few scratches."

"You broke your arm, Phil. You have a concussion."

"It'll heal. I'm fine."

She sighed and stepped away and he let her go, albeit reluctantly. He recognized when her depression was taking the reigns now, because she would refuse to meet his eyes, as though she was aware she wasn't in control and didn't want to confront him with that.

"I just… panicked. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand that you panicked. Are you alright now?"

"How's your head?"

"Painful, but it's nothing a little tea can't fix."

She smiled at him, a timid smile, still in the clutches of her panic. "You used to hate tea."

He nodded. "And then I married someone who would have an IV drip filled with it if it were possible."

That drew out a chuckle from her, small but noticeable. She met his eyes and he dared to smile again, because she finally looked at him again and he knew that meant that most of it was over. He stole a quick kiss from her and went to the kitchen to prepare them some tea. She fluttered around him for a little bit before deciding to spend her time elsewhere. 

Coulson heard Amy talking in some corner in the living room. She didn't have any make belief friends yet, because she had a couple real friends at daycare, but she did give her dolls funny little voices to entertain herself.

"Daddy, Lady Yi wants tea, too."

Amy had probably known from a young age that she was different than all her white daycare peers, but she was finally starting to realize what it was that made her different. Coulson had bought her a Chinese baby doll a little while back and she had nearly cried with happiness, all her other dolls either white or black. After watching Abominable, with an adorable and strong Chinese lead (called Yi), Amy was fully submerging herself into anything Chinese because she could identify with these people, they all looked like her.

"Alright, then we'll make her some tea. Do you know which one she wants?"

Amy murmured some things to her doll and then looked at him resolutely. 

"Strawberry, Daddy."

"Coming right up. Anything for Lady Amy?"

She giggled and blushed and shook her head. Coulson knew she would drink the tea destined for her doll because make belief was all fun and games until she had to give her very tasty tea to a doll that would never drink it. (She wasn't entirely stupid.)

Melinda reappeared again, but before Coulson could greet her with a kiss like he usually did, she pushed him against the kitchen counter and for a moment, his heart jumped because he might be a responsible adult and a dad but he would definitely say yes to a steamy make-out session-

-but then he heard the squirting of some kind of cream or gel and felt something cold against his face, stinging when it made contact with his cuts.

“Ouch!” He pushed her away but she pushed back, and when he finally managed to look at her, he saw she was smiling. She enjoyed this. The little minx. He allowed her to put on whatever ointment she was applying but he skillfully inched closer to her without her noticing, until he had her pressed against the kitchen counter instead and dipped low to link their lips. She smiled and they stood there for a while, lips searching each other out, hands brushing arms, sides, but then her hands disappeared and he frowned, pulling away slightly to see where they had gone off to, only to discover each of them filled with a cup of steaming hot tea. Melinda smiled at him, then walked away.

Of course she had noticed him coming closer, she was practically a ninja after all, and she had probably planned for this to happen, to catch him off guard so he wouldn’t fret over her so much. 

“Let me take care of you,” she said softly, and he followed her like a bee to honey because he was so in love with her and after yesterday, he was even more certain of his feelings for her. He had been in and out of consciousness all afternoon then, the painkillers making him feel woozy and funny, but he had seen her crystal clear when she had walked through the door, and he had known he was safe when she had carefully placed her hand on his cheek.

He rested on the couch the remainder of the day, napping with Tommy on his chest while Melinda and Amy went out to get some groceries. He liked having her take care of him, if just for a day… or two. He knew they were both aware it would be the other way around as soon as he recovered. He wasn’t sad about that fact, because it filled him with joy to be able to protect her and make sure she had eaten, drank, and smiled enough in a day. Of course, he did wish that she could be happy from within herself, too, and not rely on outside interference for her daily dose of happiness… but it was alright. He would show her how beautiful she was for the rest of her life, if she would let him. 

She was getting even more beautiful with each passing day, now that she had had two babies and her age was definitely catching up with her. Her hair was graying in some places and he knew she dyed it secretly, perhaps not wanting to admit that she was getting older. He loved running his hand through those luscious strands when they were cuddling, and imagine the two of them in a retirement home when they were old and gray (and he was definitely, finally bald) and tease each other like they had always done, and hopefully always would. He wondered how long they still had together, and foolishly hoped it was forever. Their time might be short, but he would make the best of it.

When they retired to bed, she sat on the edge at the foot of the bed, looking at him as he prepared himself for bed. She had tried to help him out of his shirt but he had refused her help, so she had sighed exasperatedly and settled for watching him.

He stood in front of her, her head angled up to maintain eye contact, and he cupped her cheeks and kissed her deeply, before pulling away to look at her again.

“I was so scared, Phil,” she whispered. He could see the fear in her eyes and knew she wasn’t lying, or exaggerating. “I… I couldn’t breathe from the moment they called us… all the way to when I could finally bring you home. It was like… you know, you have my heart in your hands, and… and it felt like someone had… I dunno… I’m not good with words like you.”

He smiled and kissed the tip of her nose. He gently undid the bow on her bathrobe and was fairly certain she didn’t notice this time around. “Try again.”

She rolled her eyes and the fear had mixed with mock annoyance now. “This. I had thought I had lost you, but then I saw you and you were making stupid jokes, and… god Phil, aside from that time in Sarah’s office, I doubt I’ve ever been happier to see you. And you look… awful, admittedly… and you’re so stubborn you won’t let me take care of you… but… I guess… and I just want to thank you.” She put her fingers on his lips to silence his response. He had already undone the button of her sleep shorts. “You protected Amy, and I know you stood no chance against them, but… our baby girl is safe, and it’s all thanks to you.”

His fingers paused while they brushed the skin of her shoulders, slowly moving the straps of her tank top down her arms. He frowned at her. She shook her head, and her hands came up to cup his cheeks like he had done to her cheek before.

“You protected her for as much you could. I’ll always be grateful for that, Phil.”

He wanted to protest further, he should have grabbed Amy and ran for their lives, but everything had happened so fast and before he knew it, he had been laying on the ground with their feet kicking him until he had blacked out. He should have fought back, perhaps, but then he was no Melinda May or Daisy Johnson, and he couldn’t take on that many people at once. He was truly pathetic like that.

“Now, will you finish getting me naked?” she asked, and her tone had changed so quickly he had trouble catching a breath as he looked at her face, quickly flushing.

“Is there anything that goes past you, Melinda?”

“You were already undressing me with your eyes long before you actually started undressing me.” She pulled her tank top over her head, leaving her mostly bare for him to see. His mouth ran dry and he was certain he looked like a complete dork as he watched his half naked, beautiful wife standing right in front of him. “But next time, try to get me more aroused, you usually manage to slip some things past me like that.”

He smiled and drew her to him with a hand on her lower back, but before he linked their lips, he felt he had to finish their earlier conversation properly.

“I wish I could have done more, yesterday.”

“You did all you could. You’re both okay, that’s the most important thing.”

And then, she went on tiptoes and kissed him, her hands in the back of his neck pulling him to her. They fell onto the bed together, and despite his protests, she was careful with him that night, taking the lead, something she didn’t often do these days… and it turned him on even more. She tended to his injuries afterwards, made sure he was comfortable, then tucked him in and kissed his lips and he felt himself drifting off into a peaceful sleep with her on his mind, her beautiful presence never far away.

He would be nowhere without her.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to reiterate the fact that I'm well aware of how the US elections work and that the votes are still being counted as we speak and that the vote has to go through the electoral college first, AND that Trump is filing suits in many states, however, I don't think that the result will be any different. In any case, I HOPE the result won't be different, lol.

The police showed up the next day to discuss the case with them, and May wasn’t oblivious to the fact that this was definitely not the first case that had been opened with them in the leading roles. She hoped this would be the last, and despite how much she would like to have some explanation as to why her and Daisy’s apartment had burned down that one night, or why Phil had suddenly showed up out of nowhere, she was sort of fine now with never closing any of these cases. The end result would remain the same.

“Mr. and Mrs. Coulson, thank you for meeting with us today.”

Amy and Tommy had been brought to the daycare, and it was about the first time the two of them had gone together. Usually, one of them was at home, either because it was just more convenient or because Phil or May wanted to spend some time alone with either of the kids. Considering Amy was fairly independent, she had been the one spending the most time at the daycare and while May had felt guilty about that at first, it had disappeared quickly when she had realized how much fun the girl had with her peers, something May couldn’t offer the girl at home, in this remote part of town with hardly any neighbors close by. 

May had hesitated when she had dropped both kids at the daycare but Amy had just resumed where she had left off the last time, continuing her arts and crafts project, while Tommy chuckled happily when he saw his favorite person beside his parents and siblings - Steven Grey, who just so happened to be Daisy’s favorite employee of the daycare, too. She had already called dibs on picking up the two kids as soon as May had mentioned that he was working that day.

Phil’s eye already looked much better, and he had said it was all thanks to her good care. She knew it was mostly because of the cream she had been given by the hospital, but he looked so sincere when he had thanked her that she didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. His arm was still sensitive, and she had been painfully reminded of that the previous night when he had stubbornly used it to flip her onto her back while they were making love and he had yelled out in pain. She had cursed him but had laughed about it just moments later, when her continued movements on top of him made him quickly forget about the pain. He was such a man, so easily distracted. Especially by sex.

“Thanks for updating us,” May said, shaking the officers’ hands on behalf of herself and Phil, because he had refused to wear his prosthetic for some damn reason, and shaking just some protruding fingers was awkward, even for him. “Do you have any news?”

One of the officers, she recognized the man from the hospital two days ago, nodded at her. 

“They confessed almost immediately, said it was all a misunderstanding.” She felt her blood boil again but the officer continued. “We showed them pictures of Mr. Coulson’s injuries to face them with the reality of the situation.”

May felt the need to explode, her anger from that afternoon only put to the background, not yet dealt with, but Phil placed a kiss on her shoulder and it drew her back in. She would probably need to beat some unfortunate punching bags at HQ.

"We're ready to start a case against them, but we're waiting for your approval."

"Approval?" May asked. 

"Do you want to press charges, Mr. Coulson?"

A thousand thoughts ran through her head - these people could be prosecuted. They could get a prison sentence? She still wanted to beat the living daylights out of them but it would sort of calm down her anger, if only for a while. She knew Phil would never allow her to beat them to a pulp.

"Will they get prison sentences?" Phil asked suddenly, looking at the officers. Such a weird question. Was that not the point of pressing charges?

"It's very likely, yes."

"Then, no. I won't press charges."

"Phil?"

He was silent for a while and looked at her. He sat there in their living room still carrying the evidence of his attack, the cast, the split lip, the bruised and black eye, and he was saying he didn't want his attackers to pay for what they had done to him? She knew he had a concussion so it must impede his reasoning. She wanted to take over the conversation when he continued.

"They have kids. I… I was afraid to lose mine, so… I won't separate them. I won't do that to their kids."

Oh. That silenced all of them. 

May felt her heart swell at his attitude, which she hadn't expected. She remembered Amy standing by their bedside two nights ago, tears streaming down her face, because she was so scared that her Daddy would leave, be gone. She wanted to always hug him and have his presence by her side, and of course, May agreed. She wanted the same things.

"These kids didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to punish  _ them _ ."

Phil Coulson was too good for this world. Honestly, he was. And Melinda May was the lucky woman who got to call him her husband. 

"That's a very honorable thing to do, Mr. Coulson. I would just like to add that as the victim, you have a little say in the judge's verdict. You can keep them from delivering a prison sentence."

Phil shook his head. May brushed his upper arm and he looked at her.

He was so good… and so beautiful. Why wasn't she thinking rationally? She should be focused on the investigation, these people had to go to jail, had to pay for what they had done. Instead, May fell even more in love with this wonderful man and felt herself pulled into his wishes.

"What about restitution? We'd hate to see you struggling financially."

May nodded before Phil could say something else stupid, even if she thought his intentions were very sweet. They did need the money.

"Alright, you can settle for restitution if you want. We'll give you two time to think about it and discuss it. You're always welcome at the station if you change your mind."

They left after finishing their coffee (which had felt somewhat weird to prepare because none of them drank coffee anymore). Phil sat on the couch, solemn, quiet. May brushed his knee gently but he didn't meet her eye. 

"Did I do the wrong thing?" he asked her. He was so sincere. She sat beside him, silent, knowing he needed some time to think. Eventually, he looked up at her, as though he was ready now to hear her answer.

"No. I don't think so. I… at first, I was shocked. I want them to pay for what they did to you, and Amy. But… of course, it fits you to forgive them."

"I don't, though. Not yet. I just don't want their kids to become even more of a victim of their parents' behavior."

She nodded. She should have known. It was in him to forgive people quickly but this wasn't something he could forgive anyone for quite as quickly. 

"Anyway, I don't believe that prison works as a punishment." He shrugged. "I've read an article once that people who are jailed are at about a 50% risk of spiralling down into permanent criminality."

She rolled her eyes and kissed a corner of his mouth. "Of course you have an explanation for everything."

He shook his head. "No explanation needed. This just… feels right. Putting them in jail won't undo what has happened."

He leaned in and kissed her and she smiled against his lips. He didn't have any hands available to pull her closer or brush her cheeks, so she took over that duty from him for the time being. 

"You're too good for this world, Phil Coulson," she whispered.

"You're flattering me too much, Melinda May."

And they kissed again, little giggles and sighs escaping from both of them as they remained in their little bubble. It was quite unbelievable that they sat here making out barely two days after his violent attack, and that May no longer felt worried and scared about his current state. He had showed her that he was fine. She would trust him on that.

~...~

Life went by fast after Coulson's attack - before they knew it, his eye was all healed and even later, his cast was removed, torpedoing him into physical therapy. He made his injuries seem small, easy to overcome, but an unfortunate result was that he couldn't work for the time being, if at all. 

He'd stayed with his first employer since his return, working his way up slowly to become assistant manager at the supermarket, but he could no longer function properly with one prosthetic arm and an arm that hadn't had any movement for six weeks. Melinda had faith he would recover but his right hand just didn't feel the same way as it had before.

He couldn't really think of any job that didn't require him using his arms, or limited use. 

That was, until a vacancy opened up at the local High School, and he made up his mind. Whether or not they hired him, he was determined to follow this change of career, just part-time, so he still had plenty of time to be with his family. They had hired him as a teacher's assistant, helping kids across all grades to perform to the best of their abilities. He had started right away and found he loved it, and for a moment realized that this would have been his life if he hadn't joined SHIELD. But, he wouldn't be the same person without it, and he definitely wouldn't have met and fallen in love with Melinda May.

The wedding was just two days away now. He couldn't believe that time had flown past that quickly. He still remembered asking Melinda, both times, in fact. He remembered how void of life he had been the first time around, the only thing keeping him going was her. His heart had broken when he had asked her, knowing he couldn't give her the future she deserved, but also knowing that the two of them together for as long as fate would allow it was the only thing he could give her.

The second time around, he had blurted it out, much like the first time. He still remembered how beautiful she had looked in her little black dress, and how everything just clicked seconds before he made the decision to ask her again. She had said no, but luckily, she had changed her answer not too long after. She had always made him the happiest man he had ever known, and he doubted that would ever change.

He still wondered what she would be wearing. He doubted she would be wearing a wedding dress, but he knew she would look beautiful no matter what she was wearing (or wasn’t wearing… he wouldn’t complain). To him, she was the most beautiful woman that walked the surface of this planet and he was the lucky bastard who got to be her husband. 

Two days. In just two days, he would get to see her walk down the aisle and become her husband - again. He couldn’t wait, he was much too giddy to function, but he had to focus for just a little longer.

He discovered Tommy’s pediatrician had been asking him questions while he had been off daydreaming about the wedding, and he shook his head to refocus. Melinda trusted him to take care of their son while she in her turn finished her part of the wedding.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“It’s true Thomas passed every newborn test?”

Coulson nodded and looked at Tommy, standing at the playtable in the corner of the office, entertaining himself as though he was the only one in the room.

“It’s a bit odd, because I have a suspicion he might have some hearing loss. You mentioned he doesn’t really respond much to loud noises?”

Coulson felt his stomach churn a little at that. Thomas has a hearing loss?

“I always thought he was just a calm baby. He passed the hearing test.”

The doctor nodded and looked at her notes. “Well, we’ll be running some more tests to rule out anything else, but I think that we have to keep in mind that he’s partially, if not completely deaf.”

That wasn’t possible. Tommy always responded to them, smiled at them, wiggled over to the front door to greet any of them when he noticed they were coming home. He had to have his hearing for that… right?

When the doctor ran some tests, Coulson called Melinda, because she deserved to know. He was afraid she would panic and maybe even blow off the wedding because he guessed she had every right to do so, but her response surprised him a little.

“I knew it,” she said simply. He frowned even more than he had before when the doctor had started this specific conversation. Melinda had already thought Tommy had a hearing loss?

“You knew it?”

“Well, not  _ knew _ knew it, but I had my suspicions. Remember when we went to pick up Nugget? All those dogs started barking at the same time and our tough little Amy was shocked by it, but Tommy didn’t even flinch. I already thought that was weird.”

“Why didn’t you say so before?”

“Because I wasn’t sure. And… I didn’t want to push him into this medical rollercoaster while he was still so young. He is still so young. But… we’ll love him either way.”

She wasn’t affected by this at all? What had happened to the depression-struck Melinda May who saw every tiny bad occurrence as a sign that she wasn’t worthy, and that she had to pull back from the spotlight or even life itself?

Then he realized, this was the Melinda May before all that, before he had broken her heart by not admitting his feelings for her and letting her marry another man; before he had screamed at her countless of times in his frustration with the rest of the world; before he had given his own life to save the many, and had had to succumb to a stupid death on a tropical island in the Pacific Ocean. Before she had to watch the love of her life die and be burdened with the care of a little one in the aftermath of it all, while she should have been grieving and recovering. Before she had spent two long years without him by her side, her depression dragging her further down into the abyss on a daily basis.

Yet he had returned, and while it hadn’t cured her depression, it had given her another soldier to join her in her battle against it, and she had come so far. The woman on the other end of the phone, who had just heard that her baby son most likely had a hearing loss but still loved him and supported him -  _ that _ was a woman very much like the Melinda May he had met and known long before either of their lives had been torn apart.

She radiated strength he hadn’t thought she was able to feel at a time like this, but it made his heart swell and his eyes fill with tears before he swallowed it all down.

If Melinda May could be positive about their son having a disability, then so could he.

“They’re going to be running some more tests to rule out anything else. It could just be too much fluid, or something else they could easily fix with a simple procedure.”

“Alright. Keep me updated.” She was silent and so was he, and he felt his worries and fears from just moments before creep back into his heart, because damn, he had always said that they would support Thomas through any hardship he might face, but he didn’t have the correct tools to help his son through this, didn’t know how to help with this. “You okay, Phil?”

“Just… scared, is all.”

“Hey. It’ll be fine. Remember what you said weeks before I gave birth to him? You said that if he has any disability at all, that he would learn to deal with it, because his sisters had done so too. And that the most important thing we could offer him was a loving home to grow up in.”

Tommy turned around to face Coulson and he had the biggest smile on his face, his little hand holding on tightly to a toy and hopping proudly over to his father to show what he had been given by the doctor. Coulson smiled and brushed a hand through the boy’s hair. The doctor looked at the two of them for a few moments, before nodding and entering some things into her computer.

“Phil?”

“Yes?”

“I love you. We can do this. Trust me.”

He trusted her implicitly, always had. He had simply not expected her to be the one to utter those things to him while it had usually been her who needed to hear those words. But he got an almost infinite amount of strength from her words, from the power and strength that she poured into him, even through the phone, and he felt hope in his chest because she might still be depressed, and always might be, but she saw opportunities to break through it and be the strong woman she deserved to be.

“I love you, too,” he whispered, a lump stuck in his throat.

“I’ll see you in a bit. Say hi to Tommy for me.”

Tommy jumped into Coulson’s arms a little awkwardly, his legs not fully powered up to be making that move, but Coulson caught him and cuddled him close. They sat like that for a long time while the doctor, apparently called Dr. Mayer, continued to go over the test results. Coulson held onto his son tightly and whispered words of love into the boy’s ear, suddenly aware that he might not even be hearing what he was saying in the first place. But he had been giving his son this exact support since the moment he had been born and Tommy most likely didn’t know any better, and he took whatever support he could from what they were offering him.

Well. If Thomas was deaf, then so be it. Coulson would learn how to deal with his son’s disability, like any supporting parent should, and he would give his boy the best life he could possibly give him. Deaf or not.

~...~

Of course, May would be lying if she said that she wasn’t shocked by the sudden news that their baby boy might have a hearing loss, but she wasn’t necessarily surprised, either, and had noticed some unconscious thoughts going to that topic before. The most telling moment had been at the animal shelter, and while she had pushed the thought to the background at first, unable to deal with the reality at that time in her life, as soon as Phil had called her that afternoon, she felt a sudden determination in her chest. 

She had no doubt Tommy had a hearing loss. The pieces fit, they made sense all of a sudden, and while she cursed herself that she hadn’t talked about it before, she knew rationally speaking that they couldn’t change what had happened, could only focus on the future.

The future. She ran her hands down the black clothing bag that carefully draped the back of one of their dining chairs. Her beautiful wedding dress, which she had fitted this afternoon and which was still as perfect as the first time she had seen it on herself. She had thought about keeping the bag hidden, because she didn’t want Phil to see just yet, but she decided she could tease him a little bit. 

When Phil came home with an excited Tommy under his left arm, the car keys in his other hand, she felt relief wash over her, for some reason. Despite the result that these two had been given down at the doctor’s office, Tommy was still her happy little boy and that would probably not change any time soon.

She looked at Phil expectantly, taking Tommy from him and hugging the boy close. Phil nodded.

“He probably has a moderate hearing loss. Apparently, it sounds better than it is, and if the diagnosis is true, he will have trouble in the future, but it’s nothing they haven’t seen before. When we’re ready, they can look at hearing aids.”

She stepped closer and cuddled against his chest, because while he sounded strong, she could tell that he was having trouble with this. She heard the clattering of keys on the table next to them and then his arms wrapped around her. Who would have thought that she would be the one providing him with comfort? He had always been the one holding her close whenever she felt anxious, and while she had hugged him many times before to comfort him and calm him down, she had always felt anxious herself.

All of her anxiety about this specific topic had left her though as soon as she had seen that Tommy was okay and that he was happy, and after learning that hearing aids could help out in the future, she knew Tommy would be fine. He would grow up in the best family who all had their weaknesses and who still helped each other out whenever they could.

“Hey. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

“I can’t believe life keeps throwing these kinds of things our way.”

She shrugged. “Someone special to me has taught me that we don’t really control what happens, just how we react to it.”

He pulled away and looked down at her. Tommy was so much like his sister in that he didn’t like to be kept in a hug for too long, especially once he was done with said hug, so he wriggled out of her arms and hopped away. 

Phil frowned.

“Someone special, huh?”

She rolled her eyes and nodded, and while she could tell that there were tears in his eyes, she decided not to pay attention to them. Instead, she went on tiptoes and kissed him, causing him to wrap his arms around her to pull her close.

“He’ll be fine, right?” Phil asked her, his hands on her upper arms as he looked down at her. She smiled and nodded. 

“He’s our kid, remember?”

They had come so far, together. And she would marry him the day after tomorrow. She would cry about her son’s sudden disability after the wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Tommy's hearing loss is researched a little by the author, but not extensively, so any inaccuracies are to be accepted by the reader. *shrug* I have spoken.  
> Next chapter: wedding day!


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, the wedding day!

Two days later, Coulson woke up feeling strange. He didn’t know where the feeling came from and turned onto his other side, thinking it over, when he realized that he was the only one in the bed, Melinda nowhere to be seen. He sat up, and only then realized that he was in a motel room and he would not see Melinda until much later that day.

He only felt sad about that for a few moments, because one of his favorite parts of any day was to be able to wake up by her side and kiss her in greeting and if their schedules or kids allowed for it, indulge in some morning lovemaking. His feelings changed quickly when he thought of exactly why he was in this motel room in the first place, and felt butterflies in his stomach when he noticed the suit hanging from the slightly open bathroom door.

It was their wedding day. Today, he would finally get to marry her for real. He would get to tell her his vows to her, celebrate life together with her… he would get to see her. That was the thing he was most looking forward to right then, however cheesy it might sound. 

He heard someone rummaging in the bathroom and thought for a fleeting moment that it might be Melinda, but then realized that the maid of honor had made them uphold those stupid traditions and he really wouldn’t get to see Melinda until she walked down the aisle to him. He was curious what she would be wearing, because he had seen the clothing bag in their living room the other day and it meant that she was definitely going to be wearing something nice. Well, anything she wore was ‘something nice’.

“Ah, good, you’re awake.”   
Fitz rushed into the room and Coulson was having trouble focusing on the man, still lost in thoughts of Melinda. Well, one thing this separating thing did well was increase anticipation.

“I was afraid I would have to wake you up. C’mon, let’s get you ready.”

Coulson couldn’t stop thinking about Melinda at their home, in her turn preparing herself for their day, perhaps applying some make-up or putting up her hair. He had left a little gift with Daisy the day before that Melinda could open, and he envisioned her smile and eye rolling as she discovered the little bottle of perfume that he hoped she would be wearing today. He wouldn’t mind if she didn’t, however. 

Eventually, the morning had mostly passed and he was done, clean-shaven face (complete with aftershave because he knew she loved the scent), suit donned and cufflinks done, and he sat down with Fitz in unexpected contemplation. Two glasses of Haig were on the table in front of them, the rings right beside them. It felt weird to be drinking Haig with anyone other than Melinda, but it wasn’t unpleasant. 

“Remember when you were preparing me for my wedding?” Fitz asked, lifting the glass to his lips and taking a sip. Coulson was fumbling a bit with his cufflinks, then looked at Fitz and nodded. 

“You were so nervous, it was adorable.”

They both smiled and were quiet for some time, thinking things through.

The rest of the team was basically their family, but they didn’t see each other every day. They all had their separate lives now, way different from when they had been together on the Bus, they had families and most even had different jobs and it was sometimes hard to stay in contact, but they each made the effort, or tried to, anyway. This might be the first time in a while that the whole gang was together again, and it was such a good reason for it, too. 

Coulson knew Fitzsimmons had talked about having children but these two were career-driven, and had gotten a cat instead. They said it was a temporary fill, but Coulson doubted they were willing to share the other with another human being like that. Anyway, they were young, basically still kids, so they had time.

Unlike Mack and Yo-yo, who had tried to conceive but had no luck in that department. They had joked about it, sure, that they would get to have cats and dogs now too to create a family, but it hurt them, Coulson could tell. It made it even more special that he and Melinda had managed to have two kids together, despite both of their ages. Coulson would always cherish these little babies, if only out of respect for Mack and Yo-yo. He had learned the evening before, when the men (and Deke for some reason) had met up to prepare themselves for today, that the two were looking into adoption, but it took a lot of time and with Mack being the Director of SHIELD, it was difficult.

“Are you nervous, Sir?”

“Fitz, we’ve known each other for too long for you to be calling me Sir.”

The young man blushed and giggled awkwardly and took a sip from his drink. Coulson just smiled fondly and drank, too.

“I’m not nervous. May is already my wife, so it doesn’t change anything. If anything, I’m excited. I can’t wait to see her.”

With some difficulty, awkwardness exhuming the man, Fitz added to Coulson’s words, “well, I’m sure she’ll look amazing.”

Coulson nodded with a bright smile and raised his glass, and Fitz followed soon after, the two glasses clinking. 

The door opened and Mack entered, in his best suit with a radiant smile, and waved outside.

“Gentlemen, the car is ready.”

Coulson practically ran out of the room, the sooner he would be at their little farm venue, the sooner he would see his beautiful Melinda.

~...~

May couldn’t stand sleeping in their big bed all by herself, and because stupid Daisy had made them stay separate until the moment surpreme, she had woken up countless times during the night because of the emptiness of the space beside her. She cursed at the woman at about 3 am, after which they had decided to just slip into Daisy’s bed together for comfort. It brought May back to that time before Phil had returned, and she’d had to sleep in a big, empty bed all the time. 

Daisy hadn’t held back when it came to preparations, and a make-up artist and hairstylist were ready at the front door at 8 am. May was still mostly asleep when they started working on her, and this was the part she remembered she hated from the last time. She didn’t mind a little make-up, but judging by the big suitcase the woman had brought with her, she wouldn’t be settling for natural. Yet Daisy whispered some things to the woman before she had started, and had brought out only a few products, assuring May that she wouldn’t turn into a Barbie doll by the end of it.

May had wanted to drop the kids off at Fitzsimmons’ place, knowing that Fitz would be with Phil and Simmons absolutely adored her niece and nephew, but Amy had protested with angry tears and had even kicked a chair when May had told her the plan. Eventually, Simmons had taken just Tommy with her, the boy was too young for this anyway, but Amelia had stayed. She sat in a chair beside her mother looking in awe at the make-up artist doing her work.

“You nervous?” Daisy asked, as she slipped a little box onto the table in front of May. She frowned and reached for the box, but Daisy slapped her hands away. 

Was she nervous? She had certainly done this whole thing before with Andrew, and of course that had meant something to her. But she remembered feeling so alone as she was prepped that one morning, with only Maria Hill to entertain her, and knowing she wouldn’t get to see Phil much that day. She still hated herself for feeling that way.

“A little,” she admitted. “But we’re already married, so it won’t matter if he says no.”

Daisy chuckled and pulled up a chair on May’s other side, her hand on the box because Amy was reaching for it now. 

“What’s in the box, Cay Cay?”

“It’s a surprise for Mommy for when she’s finished.”

“Aww, I wanted to know!”

May couldn’t really look at Amy, because the make-up artist would keep straightening her face, but from the corner of her eye she could see what must be the girl’s dress, and she had heard the petticoat rustling as she had sat down. She stole a few quick glances when the woman would step away to get another product, and May smiled brightly when she saw Amy. She was so beautiful, she couldn’t believe this little girl was her daughter. Had she really made this tiny human being? May still thought back to when she had carried this girl in her womb, and despite her grief and anger, she had often brushed her belly lovingly in anticipation of meeting her. Now, a day didn’t pass in which May wasn’t amazed by Amelia, how beautiful she was, but most of all, how sweet, caring, compassionate and  _ smart _ Amelia was. Truly, one of two of the best gifts Phil had ever given her.

“Too bad, little one, you’ll have to wait just like Mommy.”

It was perfume. May found that out quickly as her look was finished and she was released from her restraints. She had read the card on top of it first, butterflies in her belly, and she hadn’t been able to stop the smile that spread across her face.

_ Can’t wait to see you. Phil. _

He was such a dork. She would marry that dorky ass in a few hours.

After she was helped into her dress, and the last finishing touches were added in the form of simple jewelry and the perfume Phil had gifted her (which incidentally smelled really nice), she looked at herself in the mirror and took in a deep breath.

Well, this was it. She might not be the most perfect woman, and Phil definitely still deserved better than her, a depressed, stubborn idiot, he still wanted to marry her. This was the best version of herself she could possibly be, considering the circumstances, and she was happy that Phil would have her, flaws and all.

“Mommy, you’re so beautiful!” Amy said, still in awe by everything that had happened. Her arms seemed to be itching to hug her mother but she was also careful, mindful of the dress. May just smiled down at her baby girl and lowered herself to the girl’s level.

“We both are. Look at us.” They turned to the mirror and May suddenly saw herself in Amelia, something she hadn’t experienced a lot in all of the four years that the girl had graced their lives. Amelia was so beautiful, and definitely her mother’s daughter, and she suddenly realized what it was that people saw when they said that.    
She had to breathe deeply not to cry and ruin her make-up.

“I love you so much, baby girl. You are the best thing that’s happened to me in quite some time, and I’m so happy that you’re my daughter and that I get to spend this day with you. I’m the luckiest Mommy in the world.”

Amy stared at May, probably uncertain what it was that her mother was telling her, but May just smiled, feeling tears in her eyes, and pulled Amy close for a hug. 

May wished exactly this for her baby girl, and her slightly bigger baby girl, too. That they could be happy and find a sweetheart for themselves and feel this way on their wedding day, be this beautiful and happy. She hoped she could experience Amy’s wedding, because if anyone was walking her down that aisle, it was May. She felt she had to fight with Phil on that one, though. They still had a lot of years to figure it out.

“I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you, too, Amy.” Her sweet, beautiful Amelia. 

Daisy pulled May up and pushed a tissue into her face, panicking for some damn reason, and May held her wrists and looked her in the eye.

“Daisy, it’s alright. Today will be perfect.”

Because today, she would be marrying Phil Coulson. No way would her depression get even a minor part in these festivities.

When the light blue farm doors opened (foolishly reminding her of Phil's beautiful eyes, but she would blame the romantic air), revealing the chairs that had been set up, the flowers lining the aisle she would be walking down to her husband, she looked to her side, finding Daisy smiling at her in her beautiful blue dress. 

"Thank you," May whispered. She wasn't entirely certain what she was thanking Daisy for, but the girl just smiled and nodded, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

May wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for this brave young woman. She wouldn't be able to get married today if Daisy hadn't plucked her off that bridge that one time, and if Daisy hadn't helped with Amy, May didn't want to think about what could have happened. 

It seemed only logical that Daisy would be here today to give her away. 

"I love you, Mel. You've always cared for me. It was just… natural to do the same for you."

The doors opened again, signaling that Amy had finished her task, and Daisy looped her arm through May's.

"Here's to the rest of your beautiful life."

And together, they walked down the aisle.

~...~

Alright, Coulson would readily admit, he was getting a bit nervous now. He knew they had set the starting time at two. He had left his watch at home on purpose so that he wouldn’t check it every two seconds, but something in him told him that it was way past two. Had something happened to Melinda? God, please tell him nothing had happened to her! Had she perhaps gotten second thoughts about marrying him? She would be absolutely right, but he would never recover from being left at this impromptu altar without her.

Coulson saw Thomas on Jemma’s lap, and the boy was thoroughly enjoying spending time with his aunt. Coulson thought it a bit odd that the woman wasn’t with the other women, but then realized, she had probably done so on purpose so that she could be exactly in this position right here, holding her favorite (and only) nephew. Also, he had heard Daisy was a bit of a killer maid of honor. Which he also found odd, because every time he had cooperated with her to arrange the wedding, she had been nice, but perhaps it was different because he was her dad and she still had to live with the two of them afterwards.

“They’re here,” Fitz stated casually, and before Coulson could react, the music started.

Amy entered the hall first in her beautiful princess dress that she had helped pick, and she looked nervous at first, all faces her way, but Coulson smiled at her and waved, prompting her into walking. They had practiced this, but he knew it was different with an audience. At the end of the aisle, having dropped most of her flower petals on the floor, she climbed the first step, knowing fully well that she should take her seat on the front row next to Jemma.

“Daddy, Mommy looks really beautiful!” she whispered, excited, her smile was enough to make anyone believe her. He smiled, hands shaking a little, and walked down to hug her and kiss her cheek.

“You don’t look too bad yourself, Lady Amy.”

She giggled and blushed and ditched her flower basket at the foot of the short stairs, running to her Auntie Jemma, who was awaiting her with open arms. 

Contrary to most weddings, this wedding was small and intimate, the only thing Melinda had agreed to when they had been in the beginning stages of wedding planning. Coulson knew most other weddings had at least five bridesmaids and groomsmen, who would be a sister to the groom or the male best friend of the bride, but they all brought so much drama with them and Coulson had never liked how they stole the show from the bride… and he knew he would only have eyes for his bride, so he didn’t bother. They went with a more European styled wedding and only had a flower girl and a ring bearer, who was supposed to be Tommy but he hadn’t done well during a practice round and so they changed it at the last moment to Deke Shaw, because no one else was available. Coulson had gotten a laugh out of watching Daisy’s mortified face when she realized they had to change that sweet little image of little Tommy waggling down the aisle in his cute suit, to awkward adult Deke who permanently looked like a hobo. Honestly, Coulson didn’t care. As long as he got the rings to them at the right time, that was what counted. 

The doors opened again and Coulson’s heart stopped beating entirely.

There she was.

Melinda May.

In the most beautiful wedding dress he had ever seen. 

“Oh my god,” he whispered. He didn’t know what else to say. Think. Feel. Except amazement and love and adoration for this beautiful woman, Melinda May, who had been his best friend for most of his life, who he had always turned to for advice, even if she hadn’t said anything to help him. (Which had helped him the most, because he got to talk about his own ideas and it usually gave him a breakthrough.)

Man. How much more perfect could this get? Could she get?

Daisy walked her down the aisle, and Coulson had thought about it during the planning, and how wrong it felt not to have her father being able to give her away anymore. (He remembered holding Melinda when she had gotten the news that he had passed, and he had known it wasn’t her depression making her cry that time.) But at the same time, it was fitting, because Daisy had been caring for Melinda while he had been gone, had made sure that Melinda was safe and warm and loved, and while she hadn’t been the only one doing that anymore for quite some time, it felt like now, it was final. She was passing her care for Melinda onto him. He wouldn’t take it lightly.

Amy and Tommy squealed in happiness when they saw their mother, and Fitz’s elbow nudging Coulson’s side pulled him out of his reverie. Melinda had come to a stop at the bottom of the steps and was looking at him with a smile, hand holding onto Daisy’s. He stepped down and reached for Melinda’s other hand and she took it, and they climbed up the few steps to join the justice of the peace.

She was wearing a veil. Man, she was wearing a dress! A wedding dress! She had skillfully kept that hidden from him, although he had held hope when he had seen that bag. He thought she would be wearing something nice. He hadn’t expected that she would be wearing a wedding dress!

“You’re wearing a dress,” he whispered, and she rolled her eyes and chuckled, brushing tears off his cheek that had as of that moment escaped his attention. She nodded and he so wanted to kiss her right then, just skip this whole formality that he had insisted on them having, so that he could dance with her and hold her in his arms the rest of the day. “You’re so beautiful.”

“So are you,” she replied, her smile still there but her voice was serious. She wasn’t joking. This beautiful woman in this beautiful dress found him beautiful. He was sure his heart would burst out of his chest with happiness.

He had no idea what the justice was saying, didn’t pay attention to any of it, until they got to the part where they could say their vows. And fuck, he had memorized every single word of it, but with the sight of her before him, he had forgotten it all. Her small hand holding onto his, reassuring him, together with that beautiful smile of hers, moved him into speech.

“Damn, Melinda… we’ve come so far. I… I’m so proud of you, Melinda, for opening up to me, for letting me be in your life, in whatever way you saw fit. And… actually, these promises we’ve just made, they’re stupid. They’re not even promises.” She frowned at him, but she had that playful smile on her lips, as though she knew what he was going to say. “They’re  _ privileges _ to me, Melinda. I have the privilege to have and to hold you, in sickness and in health, and I will never let you down. I will always be there for you, no matter what the future brings. I’m so proud of you… and I’m so happy with the life that you’ve given me. And I promise you, I will never forget this once-in-a-lifetime love, because I have never loved anyone as fiercely as I love you, and… I love you. I always will.”

She smiled and held his other hand and he almost leaned in to kiss her, but then the justice started talking again. 

“Melinda, do you have anything to say?”

She shook her head almost immediately, and Coulson was disappointed for just a split second, before he realized that Melinda had never needed words to express her love to him, had never needed to say that she cared about him and wanted him to be safe. Now was no exception, as she smiled at him with tears in her eyes and their hands entwined - he knew how much she loved him, and the things that she would promise him. He didn’t need to hear them. He just knew.

“Without further ado, you may kiss the bride.”

Coulson lifted her veil and felt those stupid butterflies in his stomach and finally,  _ finally _ kissed her, and just like that, all the pieces fit together, of their lives entwined, from the very start. He couldn’t have known that they would end up here, when he had entered the Academy and had seen her that first time, already a legend back then. She smiled now against his lips, her hands roaming his body, and it was all so perfect, he blamed only his heart when he cried like an idiot.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I reintroduce, Mr. and Mrs. Coulson!”

He had never been happier than he was right in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of y'all were hoping for a little more action for the Bus gang but I just couldn't bring myself to steer away from this lovely moment for too long. I'm sorry!


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a breather after that emotional wedding; Phil tries his best to get his Mel to agree to a honeymoon. Let's see if he succeeds... be warned, this chapter is straying a bit on the adult side, but there's nothing descriptive or anything.

Melinda May was a happy woman. She knew she should probably chat with their guests, too, catch up with them because some she hadn’t seen in years, but all she had eye for was her husband. He seemed to be sharing that sentiment, as his hands didn’t allow her to get very far. Not that she wanted to. Somehow, it felt like she had fallen in love all over again and she was getting to know him for the first time, the little touches that made him smile and the compliments that made him draw her in for a kiss. 

“I still can’t believe you’re wearing a dress.”

She smiled and pulled him in and kissed him. His reaction as he had first seen her in the dress had surpassed even the wildest imagination she’d had of it. She had envisioned him smiling at her, in awe, but as she had approached him at the end of the aisle, she had seen her entire future in his face, had seen the reason she wanted to be with him, had known that her decision to wear a wedding dress had been the right one. She was glad she had gone for this dress. If she had showed up in anything less, it would have been an insult to him, and honestly, she couldn’t quite compare to his gorgeous appearance today. She only barely met his level.

“You really thought I would show up in my PJ’s?”

“As a matter of fact, yes I did. When I told you that I wanted you to be comfortable, I swear I thought I had just convinced you to show up in your PJ’s.”

She chuckled and he fed her a bite of the fish option of their menu, a menu which he had apparently chosen himself and she realized, he really was a good cook, even if he hadn't prepared these meals himself. 

Their babies were at the impromptu daycare, because they could only be tempted to eat nuggets and a few fries and had started to get fussy. They were tired. May could understand. She wouldn’t mind laying her own head down for just a minute or two.

Daisy stood behind them with a knowing grin, and May stood to hug her close.

“Thanks for everything,” she whispered. She really meant it - she knew that Phil wouldn’t have dared half of the things that were currently present at this wedding if it weren’t for Daisy, and May had never seen such a perfect wedding as this one. But perhaps, it being her own made all the difference in the world.

“You’re welcome, Mel. I had a blast.”

Phil stood and hugged both of them, and they stood there for a few moments, just the three of them, comforting and thanking each other. 

“You know,” Daisy said, her cheeky smile from before returning, “now's the time for you two to slip away, and… do… whatever."

May looked at Phil who had the exact same expression on his face as Daisy did, and she couldn't help but laugh at their silliness. 

"But we'll never get this evening back."

" _ Exactly, _ " Phil remarked, reaching for her hand. "C'mon. Let's go."

"But, the kids…?"

"I'll take care of everything," Daisy responded. "We'll crash at Fitzsimmons' place." 

"Are you out of excuses yet?" Phil teased, his hand pulling her closer. She wanted to protest further, but the truth was that she really did want to go home with Phil and be with just him, not all these other people who only seemed to be intruding. And she wanted to get out of these heels and dress and… well… she really just wanted to make love to Phil. She had run out of excuses.

"Fine. Let's go."

They hugged their babies on their way out but then rushed outside, only to find Lola waiting there for them, freshly washed and polished.

"What?"

"Surprise," she said, kissing his cheek. "Pulled her out of storage for this special occasion."

He pulled her close and kissed her deeply, and she couldn't wait until they were home.

He hadn't seen Lola in years, because while she might still be registered under his name, it hadn't been clear where she had been stored and no one could track her down. Well, no one except Melinda May, because she had found Lola and had fixed her up as best she could and had smiled in anticipation of Phil seeing his one true love again. She knew no one else was allowed to touch the red convertible, only May.

"You're truly the woman of my dreams, Melinda May!" he proclaimed happily as he held the door for her and helped her dress inside. "Now that perfume bottle seems like such a stupid gift."

She smiled and held his hand while he drove, kissing his fingertips. 

"No, it was sweet. It smells really good." Not as good as his aftershave, mind you, but Phil knew what she liked in every aspect of life and it filled her with love to know that he had gotten this right, too.

"I have one more surprise for you, but you'll have to wait until we're home to unwrap it."

He smiled, stealing a glance to the side when traffic allowed, and she could see how excited he was, and how ready he was to be home, too.

"I can't wait. Seriously. I can't."

She took his hand and made him slip his hand underneath her dress, fully disappearing underneath the fabric, until his fingers could graze the lace of the garter she was wearing around her thigh. 

"Mel," he suddenly said seriously, "what's the gift?"

"Me," she replied, just as seriously. 

He probably broke several traffic laws to get them home as soon as possible.

~...~

Coulson had fulfilled his lifelong dream of carrying Melinda May over the threshold of their little family home, wearing a ridiculously beautiful wedding dress while she was ready for him to basically devour her. He had done just that, of course, but what else had she expected when she had allowed him to take off her garter with just his teeth? He had loved seeing her in her dress, sure, but he loved it even more to get her out of it.

Now he lay on his side, watching her as she slept, stark naked and her hair a mess. He had always felt the need to make love with her, especially after getting together, but it had never been like this. He had always had some modicum of calm, managing to undress them properly so he could feel her against him completely - this time, he had almost taken her just like that, wedding dress and suit and all. He had known that it would ruin the clothes but he hadn't cared. She had, however, and had managed to force him off her, allowing them both to get naked.

He preferred her like that, anyway. She always knew what he wanted, even when he didn't know it himself. That was one of the many reasons he had married her.

He had failed her, in more ways than one. He had promised her the world and had left her behind depressed, and his heart still hurt whenever he thought about that fact. He wanted to undo all of her pain, wanted to turn back time so he could hold her in his arms some more, comfort her, soothe her through those awful years without him. Yet he couldn't. He really could only focus on the future, it was all they had left, and he would make her time worth it, wouldn't make her feel like she was lacking anything. She wouldn't be needing for anything, he would already have offered it by that time.

It was odd, but somehow the realization that she was his wife only fully sank in now, after the previous day, as though the ceremony had made it more real. She had already been his wife, after all, but perhaps his head hadn't wrapped around that fact properly. Now, she truly was his wife. No one would have a doubt about that.

He brushed her hair out of her face gently, lovingly, his fingers caressing her cheek. She smiled faintly in her sleep and cuddled closer, seemingly on instinct. Coulson's heart swelled to an impossible size as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him. He slipped into pleasant dreams himself.

~...~

Phil made them breakfast in bed the morning after, of course preceded by another round of lovemaking they were incapable of holding back from.

It felt odd to be this way at their own home and not have to worry about running their household. She had found herself checking all the bedrooms when she had woken up in the middle of the night, but had found only empty beds, and it had saddened her for a few minutes before she had slipped into Phil's arms and he had held her close, making all the bad thoughts melt off her shoulders.

For some reason, everything felt different now, but not in a bad way. It had already felt different after she had her procedure and she knew that she couldn't get pregnant anymore, and that she wasn't expected to get pregnant, either. Even if she knew Phil would in no way have forced her into another pregnancy, it still felt like a burden was lifted from her shoulders. It was just them now, she didn't have to worry anymore and could fully enjoy him and being close to him. Perhaps that had been the reason she hadn't enjoyed sex as much as she should have in the months following his return.

Well, none of that was happening right now. She couldn't keep her hands off him, and neither could he keep himself away from her, and whenever the need arose, they would make love. (She had cornered him in the kitchen while he had been cooking, and they had made love with her on the kitchen counter. Daisy would be so pissed.)

Her heart ached with the realization that they had to go back to real life soon. Her muscles ached due to the repeated lovemaking. That last one wasn't as hard as the other. She smiled at that thought.

"Mel?"

She was surprised that he spoke, had thought that he was still asleep. Her hands reached out instinctively to brush his naked skin.

"Hmm?"

"Will you go on a honeymoon with me?"

Without her being able to control it, her thoughts went to her honeymoon with Andrew on O'ahu, Hawaii, and how carefree she had been back then and how hopeful she was for a good future. She could only laugh at her stupidity now, had she seriously thought that she'd had a shot at a happy life? Why was she so naive?

Her thoughts went to Tahiti, too, where things had been very different but in hindsight, very much the same. She had lost both men, one perhaps a little sooner than the other, but she had lost them both. 

"Uuuh…"

"We can go anywhere you want," Phil explained, his voice already full of fear. He shouldn't be afraid that she would push him away, as his wife she could only refuse him things, and that was also difficult. "I just want to keep this going for a little while. You and me. Just you and me."

"Where would we go, Phil?" She wanted to say yes but she only had bad memories of vacations on perfect white beaches, because the end result had been horrible. 

"Anywhere. Although, you know, I was thinking we could go to some snowy place. I dreamed that we were snowed in."

Her bad thoughts left entirely when he admitted that, and she almost snorted, settled for laughing instead.

"You dreamed about our honeymoon, huh?"

"Well, duh. I would love to be snowed in with you, Melinda. We could cuddle up in front of a fireplace, stay underneath the warm sheets… drink hot cocoa."

He said more but she zoned out a little. She thought about the idea, and the fact that he had probably considered her reluctance to go to a tropical island, after everything that had happened. He was considerate like that, and always had been. She knew he wasn't a fan of cold weather but he would face it, for her.

He would always keep her in mind. She knew she would be safe with him, even if it was in a snowed-in cabin on some remote mountain. He would be with her, and that was always the most important thing to her.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

She nodded. "But, let's wait until we know more about Tommy. And Daisy is graduating soon. I want to be there for them."

Who was he to deny Mama May her desire to protect her cubs? He knew that they were forever, and that she would still love him when all was said and done. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, I forgot to mention, but we are definitely approaching the end of the story here. Or at least, the end of what I have currently written for it. I have gotten a bunch of inspiration from reading several books and fanfiction so I will pick up writing the ending again. Let me know in the comments, however, how you imagine this story to end. Would you prefer a happy send-off? Or are you one of those people who would prefer realism and a tragic ending? I'm curious to find out! (And totally not looking for more inspiration. Definitely not that.)


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is a long chapter, but it's sort of necessary, isn't it? Enjoy May's Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day!

Tommy had gotten hearing aids barely a week later, after having them fitted and fine tuned to his personal needs. Surprisingly, May didn't feel at all worried about the entire topic, even though she knew he might struggle at some point in the future. Despite her own mental health, she would always support him no matter what, and she had good hopes that their family would pull him through whatever he might face.

The first time he wore his aids and could hear them properly, the biggest smile had spread on that cute little face of his and he had rushed over to his parents to hear their voices a little bit clearer. It was amazing what science could do these days, but then she knew Thomas wasn't fully deaf and it probably didn't take that much to bring his hearing up to a standard level. She loved seeing him respond to their voices, and unsurprisingly, his speech had suddenly taken massive steps after that. 

May didn't need to worry about Thomas, not on this topic, anyway. His hearing would be fine as long as he wore his aids and now there was more opportunity for May to worry about normal toddler stuff - like him drawing on their white walls with a marker, or him teasing his older sisters.

Daisy had gotten her final exam results and May struggled to remember a point in time where she had seen the girl happier than she had been then, barging into the living room with tears on her cheeks proclaiming her happiness. May had known she would make it, Daisy was a fighter and wicked smart, but it wasn't a big surprise that the young woman had doubts herself. She had worked hard in the past few years to get this diploma, and it was well-deserved. 

During her graduation ceremony, May had observed her daughter while the woman had celebrated with her peers, including that nice girl Melissa who had brought Daisy home that one night. Phil had squeezed May's hand and kissed her cheek, for whichever reason. (She found out later that he had felt her tears coming before she had, and had wanted to provide her with the best support he could offer her.)

Daisy was valedictorian, because of course she was. She graduated magna cum laude, proof of her hard work, and she had done it all while taking care of her depressed mother and helping out with household chores and babysitting her siblings. May wasn't at all surprised that Daisy was top of her class, but then she had always known Daisy was an exceptional human being.

May hardly paid attention to Daisy's valedictorian speech, but instead chose to picture Daisy's future, now that she had a degree and could do whatever her heart desired. Daisy had already said she didn't want to work for SHIELD anymore, too many traumatic events had unfolded in her career there, although she had been somewhat grateful for her time spent there, because she had found herself a family, literally. She knew she wouldn't have had parents or even siblings if it weren't for SHIELD. Still, it wasn't enough to keep her with them, and quite rightfully so. 

May wouldn't currently be employed there if she'd had any other choice. Self defense classes were taught at their local gym, but she loved being a flight instructor now more than anything else she could possibly do. One day, she would take Amy with her to work and show her her mother's greatest passion.

"And last but not least," Daisy said when May returned to the world around her, "I know this shouldn't be a thank you speech, because this isn't some honorary award ceremony, and we busted our asses off to get these diplomas. But, there are two people present here today who I want to thank, because without them, I would still be living on the streets eating from dumpsters and getting into an immense amount of trouble. They offered me support, a career, training, things no one has ever offered me before. They made me feel like I was worthy, like I mattered, like I belonged. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for them. They have always had my back, even when I was less than deserving of that, and it allowed me to grow and be a better person. And… they mean everything to me. Phil, Mel, I feel so honored to be able to call you my parents, and to be able to rely on your support, no matter what. And Mel… I'm so proud of you. God knows I wasn't always certain that you would be able to be here today, but I'm so proud and happy that we get to celebrate this together, because I wouldn't have been able to do this without you. And I love you guys. And, anyway… thanks for listening, I guess, and congratulations to this year's class."

She received a muted applause, or perhaps it was muted because of May's tears blocking out everything. She felt Phil's arm wrap around her and pull her head to his chest, where she closed her eyes and listened to his heartbeat. 

"We have done well, y'know," Phil whispered, somehow through the loud noises of the crowd around them, he was clear as day. "If Amy or Tommy turn out even half as good as Daisy did, I'll be happy."

"We didn't have any control in Daisy's life," she replied, voice heavy with tears. 

"I disagree. We gave her a family, love, support, and it brought out the best in her. Skye would have never been this strong, because circumstances always held her back. You know, you beat her senseless in the gym and I held her afterwards when she was licking her wounds and it brought out the best in her."

May had to chuckle at that, if only just a little. She  _ had _ beaten Skye's ass, but the girl had asked for it herself and May was never one to deny someone's wish to be beaten into tomorrow. She refused to believe that it truly helped Skye to become the strong woman that stood on that stage today in her graduation robes, but a part of her couldn't deny that her increased physical strength promoted her emotional strength, too. Perhaps back when Daisy was Skye, May could never have depended on her as much if Phil had died back then, but Daisy certainly was a strong, willful woman who could take care of someone despite her own flaws.

"Hey guys," they heard from the side, only to find Daisy stood there with her diploma tucked under her arm, and a bouquet of flowers in the other hand.

May stood and hugged Daisy tightly, then lightly kicked the woman's shin as they pulled away. 

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"For naming us in your speech while I told you not to."

Daisy's frown turned into a smile and she shrugged, looked over May's shoulder.

"I for one thought it was very touching," Phil said, who hugged Daisy too and took the flowers from her to clear her hands. 

"Oh, uh… these are for you, I guess. I know  _ I _ received them but I wanted you to, I dunno… share in my success? I owe everything I have and do to you guys and… I couldn't very well give you my diploma, so, flowers."

"That's very thoughtful, to give us  _ free flowers _ ." Phil wouldn't let her live this down, and Daisy realized her mistake immediately. It was too late, however. 

"Hey, I could take them back, y'know."

"Too late. You can't ungive a gift."

"You're an idiot, you know that?"

"I do. That's why you love me so much."

Daisy smiled and nodded, straightening her robes and clearing her throat to keep her tears at bay. 

"I do." She hugged him again and stayed there in his arms for a while longer, and May kept a respectable distance because this wasn't her hug to be in, but Phil had other ideas, for he reached for her hand and pulled her in.

"I love you both," Daisy said, voice now heavy with tears. "Thanks for your support."

"We love you, too, and you're welcome," Phil said, then added in a whisper, "and that's what parents do."

Daisy dissolved into tears completely at that point and remained in Phil's arms while they walked to the parking lot. He opened both the passenger's door and the door behind it in one go, helping Daisy into her seat what with her robes and all. May smiled at the sight and settled into the passenger's seat, looking at Daisy through the second rearview mirror. 

Daisy was looking out of the window with a smile, which only increased as she waved at an as of yet unidentified person. As May tried to figure out the identity of said person, Phil started the car and drove off.

Steven Grey. That lovely (and honestly, black and  _ good-looking _ ) daycare teacher that Thomas had also taken a liking to, he stood on the sidewalk facing their car, and he had a smile on his face matching Daisy's. 

May's smile deepened. Especially when she saw Phil hadn't noticed a thing and was rambling about the graduation ceremony and whatever. May looked at Daisy again via the mirror, and their eyes met. May could read all of her feelings in the young woman's eyes, right before Daisy corrected herself and straightened out her face when she saw she had been caught - and May felt her heart warm at the sight. After everything that Daisy had done for May, and the rest of their little family, the least the woman deserved was some happiness of her own. And perhaps it was too early to tell where it would lead, perhaps it would stay at lovely and innocent little moments like these, but Daisy deserved those, too. She deserved it all.

May nodded faintly and Daisy blushed, before averting her eyes and looking outside.

Daisy deserved a beautiful future, because it had been held back for Melinda May for the past few years. May wished so much for this to be meant to be.

~...~

SHIELD was still a spy organization in most ways, a lot of information locked behind clearance levels, for good reason - they weren't dealing with nuclear codes, but it would not be a good idea to have all of their knowledge out in the open.

If only for the simple fact that an average person would probably suffer a heart attack if they knew of just half of the things SHIELD did.

Still, some parts of the organization were not as secret, probably by design. The flight training was one of those parts, seeing as they had exchange projects with the Air Force and other, smaller, organizations. Only a select group of the trainees would merge with the more secretive flight training which specialized in SHIELD's custom made aircraft, like the Zephyr. (Mack had realized that it might not be a good idea to have information on how to fly that beauty be public, it just created a bit more bureaucracy. 

May had a foot in both parts of the training, preferring training for the Zephyr but not minding general flight training either. But because her department was less secretive, it was possible for them to throw classic 'Take Your Kid To Work' days. May had thought her kids wouldn't be interested in that, Daisy knew the basics of flying herself so there was no need to come with, and Tommy was still far too young to come. Amy was a true girly-girl and despite having expressed interest in what her mother did at work, May hadn't thought she would want to join.

Turns out, she was definitely wrong.

Amy had hardly slept the night before, giddy with excitement at finally being able to see her mother's work, and May wasn’t really any different, if she had to be honest with herself. She had already felt that it would be a bad day the night before, but she couldn’t disappoint her baby girl (again) and knew she had to follow through with this. Amy would be inconsolable if May called off the entire day now and she didn’t want to do that to her.

“Mommy, we get to fly a plane?” Amy asked as May undid the straps on the car seat and Amy practically flew against her mother on her way to exit the car. May had to grunt at that, because she didn’t have that much strength in her arms today, but she still wrapped an arm around the girl who chuckled and squirmed. “So cool, Mommy! I wanna fly a plane!”

“We’ll see how far we get, alright?”

Amy didn’t seem to accept that answer but she also seemed to sense that her mother wasn’t in the mood for arguing. Amy sighed dramatically and allowed May to carry her into the building, where the latter was met with enthusiastic greetings, something that would never have happened a couple of years ago, most people just lowering their eyes in fear.

“Agent May! Fancy seeing you here!” a familiar voice said, and then Amelia squealed as she laid eyes on the woman and squirmed out of May’s arms to run towards her. 

“Auntie Yo-Yo!”

“Amycita!”

The two hugged tightly, May smiling at the sight, when Mack joined the scene, too, no doubt never far away from Yo-Yo. He grinned at her, before wrapping his arms around the already hugging girls and laughed when he damn near suffocated them - the big teddy bear that he was. 

“What are you doing here, Millie Mouse?” Mack asked, lifting Amy up with just one arm and draping her against his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled at her uncle. 

They didn’t get to spend enough time with the rest of their family, as was evidenced by her wedding to Phil. She had realized then that they had turned into one of  _ those _ families - only meeting up for birthdays and holidays, sometimes texting or calling each other how things were going but otherwise, never meeting up. Despite her brain holding her back, she could never have figured that this would be the kind of relationship she would be having with her team; when she had first met them, she had found most of them annoying and wholly unqualified to be in the position they were in; but then in the weeks before Phil and her had left for Tahiti, she had never felt closer to anyone in her life, these people were her true family, her  _ chosen _ family.

Then again, she was aware that most of them, her included, were incredibly busy and just didn’t always have the time to arrange fun stuff together. Perhaps she should change that, make the effort. After all, this was still her family.

“I gonna fly a plane, Uncle Mackie!”

Mack looked at May with a grin.

“You are? Cool! You’re going to teach your Mommy how to fly, huh?” 

May rolled her eyes at that. He had commented that some of the aircraft she flew needed paint jobs more often, but he wouldn’t dare criticize her. Of course, though, he would be passive aggressive like this. (He was still her boss, and she respected him.)

Amy chuckled and shook her head frantically. The three of them spoke a little more about the girl’s plans for the day, and May quickly dove into the closest kitchenette under the guise of getting something to drink, if anyone asked her. 

She just needed a quick breather. The clouds had appeared and darkened her view quite suddenly. She wasn’t doing so well, and even the happy, lovely sight of her baby girl in the arms of her dear aunt and uncle wasn’t doing the trick of making the clouds disappear. 

Alright. One deep breath in… one deep breath out… another breath in…

Her fingers were fingering the phone which was in her jacket pocket, thinking about calling someone, anyone, to help her through this. She didn’t want to be a bother to them, feeling herself weighing them down all the time, but Phil especially had often told her that she would never be a bother, and that he would always support her no matter what.

She pulled out her phone and was about to dial his number when her phone’s wallpaper came into view.

It was a picture she had taken a while back, Phil asleep on the couch, Tommy on his chest and Amy pressed tightly against his side. She looked at the photo for a few seconds, before lifting her phone up and pressing it against her lips. 

Deep breath in… deep breath out…

She grabbed two glasses from the cupboards, opened the fridge to find some juice left over without a name on it, and joined the others in the hallway.

“Well, sounds incredibly exciting, Millie Mouse. Have fun.” Mack pressed a kiss to the girl’s cheek, who blushed briefly, before he put her back on her feet and ruffled her hair.

Amy said quick goodbyes to Yo-Yo and Mack before rushing back to her mother and holding onto her tightly. The girl rambled for a bit longer about her aunt and uncle, evident in her voice how much she loved them, despite how little she saw them. May didn’t respond but that wasn’t anything new, and Amy knew that. 

They turned a corner and the four flight simulators came into view. Amy got quiet immediately - they did look quite intimidating and big, May had to admit that, and especially for a girl of Amy’s age. May rearranged the items she was holding in her hands so she could hold onto Amy’s, to let the girl know that she was still there.

SHIELD had started out with just one, which was already much because these things were expensive and difficult to maintain, but through multiple donations, anonymous or otherwise, they had managed to scrape together the money for three more, each of a different type of aircraft they flew, making this hangar quite interesting for other companies, too, hence the exchange projects. 

“Wow,” Amy breathed.

May smiled despite herself and guided her daughter to a table close to the entrance where she made Amy sit down and put the glasses and the juice on it. 

“Let’s have something to drink, first, and then we can get into one of them.”

“They don’t look like planes, Mommy.”

“You’re right, they don’t. They don’t need to, because we only need to learn how the cockpit works in order to fly it.”

Amy listened with as much attention as you would expect from a four year old, but it was alright. She drank her juice quickly, finishing it in just a few gulps, then jumped up. She ran around the hangar before May could stop her, and May decided that there wasn’t a lot outside of these simulators that she could break. 

Amy ran to a table next to the entrance which had a scale model of the planes linked to the simulators. Of course she pointed to the biggest one, because May often forgot that Amelia  _ was _ her daughter and of course she would like the big planes.

Some of her coworkers dropped in at that moment, some with kids, others without, and Amy shuffled back to her mother because that was another thing they had in common - they didn't like big crowds. May placed a kiss on the crown of Amy's head and greeted some of the people but knew Amy was eyeing the simulators longingly - after all, she was four and this was what she had come for, not to meet her mother's coworkers or have her cheeks squeezed. 

She grabbed Amy’s hand and snuck both of them to the simulator of the plane Amy had taken a liking too and her heart warmed as the little girl giggled like only Amy could when she was doing something she knew she wasn’t supposed to. 

Amy stood with her mouth wide open once they were inside and she looked at all of the buttons, levers, gears, and May let her feast her eyes for a few moments before she slipped into the co-pilot seat - basically her standard seat now despite her preferences, because her trainees always took the pilot seat, but it still felt odd not to slip into the left seat. 

“You’re the captain, Amy,” May said, and just had to laugh at the girl’s exasperated expression as she stared at her mother. She shuffled closer until she was standing right behind May’s seat and leaned in.

“Mommy, I can’t fly.”

“That’s okay, baby girl. If we crash this plane, nothing will happen. We won’t get hurt.”

But Amy wasn’t convinced and May stood so she could pull her over the middle console and into her arms, and placed her into her lap once she sat down. Amy was still looking at the buttons above her head, but sat back against her mother’s chest, who wrapped her arms tightly around her little girl.

“You know all these buttons, Mommy?”

“I sure do.”

Amy seemed to be incredibly impressed and in the mood to listen to May explain some things - Amy didn’t have to learn about all of the buttons, but some could be discussed.

“So this is what we call a cockpit, and the size of the cockpit depends on the size of the airplane, too. Some airplanes only have one seat in the cockpit, but most of SHIELD’s airplanes have two. The captain, he or she is the leader during the flight, sits in the left chair, and the co-pilot, who assists the captain, is in this seat.”

“Are you a captain, Mommy?”

“I used to be, but then I had you, and it was a little too dangerous to be going on missions.” It wasn’t the full truth, but it wasn’t a downright lie, either. Amy didn’t know most of what had unfolded before she had been born and maybe it was better that way. “Now, I train people who can’t fly yet and I always sit in this seat.”

“So you’re the clopilot?”

“Co-pilot, correct! You’re learning so much, baby girl.”

Amy looked up proudly with that beautiful grin of hers and May kissed her cheek when she could. She explained a little more about the throttles and the control wheels, keeping it as brief and simple as possible, but still knowing when she had lost the little girl. 

“Shall we try and fly this airplane, Captain Amy?”

“Can we?”

“Of course! That’s why we’re here, right?”

She guided Amy out of her lap and slipped into the captain’s seat, before Amy slipped into May’s lap at her instruction. They could do it like this, because there would be no dangers, and somehow it gave May a happy feeling to think about being able to show this part of her life, which had meant a lot to her, to her baby daughter.

May reached behind her toggle on some switches, preparing the simulator for flight, and the screen turned on with the generic sight of a runway appearing in front of them. May walked Amy through the steps, even put her little hand on the throttle and the ‘plane’ picked up speed. 

“Mommy!” Amy shrieked, panicking. 

“It’s okay, baby girl. It’s not real, remember?”

Amy seemed to have forgotten that in the heat of the moment, and relaxed in her mother’s arms. They pulled the control wheel forward and the simulator leaned back, earning May an excited giggle from Amy. 

May made the simulator fly for a few minutes, circling the non-existent airport, and Amy seemed to love it even if it did grow old eventually, so they landed the airplane safely.

As the simulator feigned engines cooling down, Amy looked up at her mother again with that bright smile May loved so much.

“That was so cool, Mommy.”

“I’m glad you liked it, baby girl.”

“I love you, Mommy.” And Amy fell into her mother’s arms, wrapping her arms around her neck and burying her face there, too. May smiled, enveloped Amy just as tightly in her own arms, and breathed in the scent of the girl’s shampoo.

Amelia always seemed to chase the clouds away, and May had no idea how she did it. Perhaps it was the magic of childish innocence, their purity, they hadn’t encountered many bumps in life yet and would therefore always find it possible to smile at the people they loved. Perhaps it was the fact that this was May’s baby girl, her little daughter, whom she had carried inside her womb for nine tough months and had nurtured and loved since pretty much the moment she had found out she was pregnant in the first place. 

Whatever the reason, it felt good to be hugging her daughter like this, just the two of them, enjoying one of May’s greatest passions. She realized she might have been wrong about that, and felt bad for feeling that way - just because Amy was a girly-girl, didn’t mean that she couldn’t love planes, too. It was exactly what had made May even more passionate about flying, because people had often told her that she wouldn’t be a good pilot just because she was a girl. Knowing Amy, she would probably find something exactly like this and show her peers how wrong they were about their prejudices towards her gender. 

A voice came through the comms and it surprised May - she knew she hadn’t been  _ that  _ sneaky so she knew people would be aware where they had gone, but she hadn’t expected anyone to contact her through the simulator’s comms. 

“The Zephyr’s schedule is clear for the next two hours,” came Mack’s voice, a smile in his face as he no doubt knew where they were, too. May felt excitement rush through her at those words - she didn’t get to fly the Zephyr as much as before, and it was always a pleasure to do so - and pushed Amy away from her chest gently.

“Did you hear that, baby girl? We can fly a real plane.”

Amy stared at her from those deep brown eyes, and May could tell there was definitely excitement in that little head of hers, but the girl looked more scared than anything else.

“It’ll be okay, Amy. Mommy will fly and you can sit in the co-pilot’s seat and watch.”

Amy seemed to be reassured by those words and they climbed out of the seat together, their hands joining as they left the simulator and saw Mack, feigning being sneaky, wave them down.

“Will you come with us, Uncle Mackie?”

“If you want to.”

May raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t there work to be done?” she asked, only half-serious, and Mack knew that. He smiled at her.

“Zephyr is cleared, therefore, Director is cleared.”

As though the Director could solely work on the Zephyr, she thought almost ruefully as she remembered Phil’s late nights at the Playground while he had been in this position. His work seemed to never have stopped and she had always had massive respect for him for pulling off multiple all-nighters in a row. 

May tenderly let her hand brush the outside of the Zephyr as they boarded her, feeling slightly ridiculous for doing so but still drawing comfort from the action - this plane had basically been their home for a long time and she had flown her so often, May knew the airplane better than anyone else. 

When she reached the cockpit, Mack was already explaining what he could of the buttons and levers to his niece, and he was about to climb into the co-pilot’s seat when his phone rang. 

There was visible disappointment on his face as he looked at May, trying to apologize for getting Amy’s hopes up that her uncle would join her, but May just waved it off.

“Okay if I still take her out for a spin?”

He nodded. “I cleared it with ATC already. Just let them know when you’re ready.”

He answered his phone, dealt with the person on the other side quickly, then kissed Amy’s cheek.

“Have fun, Millie Mouse. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye Uncle Mackie!”

May lifted Amy into the right seat, buckling the seatbelt and tightening the straps - she doubted that she had ever had a smaller co-pilot - and then climbed into the left seat herself, repeating the same steps with her own seatbelt. 

“Alright, promise me you won’t touch anything unless I tell you so,” May said, her serious ‘mom’ voice coming through (although Daisy had often said that this was simply her Agent May voice and just hadn’t used that in a while) and looked at Amy. The girl nodded, a little scared again now, but May reached out and brushed her hair out of her face. “Alright. Let’s do this.”

May took off exactly like it was mentioned in the books, no weird stunts or daring maneuvers that she had pulled in the past (when a part of her had wanted to both impress and annoy Phil) because she could tell Amy was a bit anxious, but that all left as soon as they left the underwater hangar and they got a magnificent view of the nearby town. 

“The Zephyr flies a little differently than other planes do,” May was explaining, as she flipped switches and pushed throttles without thinking about it, the movements coming to her automatically - but she had already lost Amy, who was staring outside for as much as she could from her position in the seat. May smiled and let the Zephyr elevate a little higher, before punching in the series of codes to activate the automated pilot and turning to her daughter again. 

Amy finally seemed to snap out of her thoughts and had noticed May was no longer touching the control wheel. “Mommy!”

“It’s okay, baby girl!” May said, stifling her chuckles because she knew it wouldn’t do Amy any good to be laughing about her fears. “The plane can fly by itself. It just needs someone to pilot it to take off and land.”

Amy registered that, then smiled brightly. “Cool!”

May reached over and unbuckled Amy’s seatbelt, and guided her to the little windows on the sides of the cockpit where May knew the girl would be able to look outside. She stood behind her, occasionally kissing the top of the girl’s head, brushing a hand through her hair, or holding her by her waist when she was getting too close to the controls situated there for comfort. 

Amy turned around eventually, a small smile pulling on the corners of her lips. May just had to smile at that sight, the dark clouds that had been threatening to cross over all day fully combatted, and brushed a stubborn lock of hair out of the girl’s face. She lowered herself so she was kneeling in front of Amy.   
“Mommy?”

“Yes, Amy?”

“I know why you fly.”

“Oh?”

“You love it.”

May nodded at that, but it had never been quite a secret that she loved flying more than basically anything else in her life - with the exception of Phil, of course, and maybe Daisy (when she wasn’t being a pain-in-the-butt late teenager). But then, Amy had never been there in the middle of the action, seeing how much strength May drew from piloting, this plane especially, and how powerful she always felt whenever she did so. 

“I do, baby girl.”

“I love seeing you smile, Mommy.”

Amy smiled at her, genuine, her dark brown eyes shining brightly even in the dim lights of the Zephyr’s cockpit. She mimicked what her mother had done just moments earlier, pushing May’s hair behind her shoulders, and it sent an incredible wave of emotion through her, love, adoration, relief, gratitude. May realized, as she had many times before, that she had brought the most adorable, sweet, kind little human being into the world, and she was truly blessed to know Amelia. 

“You beautiful, Mommy.”

May had to brush away a tear from her own cheek and smiled even though she would rather just break down and cry - but these were happy tears, sweet Amelia could always make her feel this way. Guess she took after her father. 

“You’re beautiful, too, little Amelia,” May whispered, cupping both of Amy’s cheeks. The girl just stared at her mother now, probably unsure why she was crying and suddenly acting this way. “You’re so, so beautiful. I love you so much. I’m sorry if I’ve ever disappointed you, baby girl, or if I’ve ever given you the feeling I don’t love you. I love you more than anything in the world, you sweet little girl, and I would do whatever I can to protect you, and love you, and…” She shook her head, kissing Amy’s cheek and pulling her against her, her hand on the back of the girl’s head and the other arm pulling her tight against her chest. 

They stood like that for a while, and May was well aware that Amy would not understand what was going on at all, although she also knew the girl would be able to feel her mother’s emotions despite not understanding. (That was probably why one of her little hands brushed her back in order to comfort her.) They were interrupted by someone’s voice on the comms.

“Agent May?”

May pulled back and looked at Amy, who briefly looked at her mother, then towards where the sound had come from. She brushed both their cheeks and cleared her throat before getting up and responding to the unfamiliar person.

“Go ahead.”

“I hate to interrupt, but an emergency requires the Director to use the Zephyr.”

May looked over her shoulder and saw Amy pout - she smiled at that sight. Definitely May’s child…

“Got it. We’ll be returning ASAP.”

“Copy that.”

Amy walked over to May and hugged her leg. “You okay, Mommy?”

“I am now, baby girl. You want me to make a loop in the Zephyr?”

Amy’s eyes widened with both fear and excitement.

“Can we?”

“Of course. Strap in.”

May’s heart filled with even more love than she could have imagined possible of feeling for one human being as she watched the priceless face of her baby daughter as May took the Zephyr into a vertical climb, only to spin around and level out again. 

Not such a horrible ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day’ after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, again, the flight controls and everything are to be taken with a grain of salt. Did some research, but not enough to be able to fly one myself. Also, some might think that May taking Amy to work and actually flying the Zephyr is irresponsible, and to those people I say: guys, did we watch the same show? May is nothing if not reckless with the Zephyr, but in a bad-ass sort of way. Taking the Zephyr out for a quick spin is nothing.


	62. Chapter 62

May had always known this day would come, and she had made herself promise that she wouldn’t get emotional. But, she simply couldn’t help it, depression or not.

Little Amelia was going to school. Kindergarten, sure, but it was not the safe, familiar daycare she had been going to for years now, and it terrified May to no end. Add in the factor that May couldn’t hold back time and keep her babies as, well, babies, and she was almost on the verge of having a panic attack as she had driven to the school building.

Daisy had come with, on a break from her job hunting, to make sure that May didn’t do anything rash and actually left without the kindergartner. May was improving, sure, and Amy’s years of experience at the daycare made it easier, but Daisy didn’t fully trust May with this task, and she probably shouldn’t.

To her credit, Amy was incredibly excited. She had enjoyed going to daycare but when some of her friends there had transitioned into kindergarten, more to try it out than anything else, considering they were only four, she had gotten it into her head that she needed to go, too, and wouldn’t stop talking about it.

“What will I learn at school, Cay Cay?”

“Well, you will probably start out with the basics. Reading, some math, maybe even writing.”

“I can write a little!”

“I know, little padawan. But in about ten years, you’ll be writing incredibly long essays and they have to start somewhere.”

“What’s essays?”

“You’ll find out when you’re older.”

May saw Amy cross her arms angrily in the rearview mirror, and fought down a smile.

“I hate when people say that,” Amy muttered, but her anger was soon forgotten when the school building came into view. She shut up immediately, and stared out of the window at the elementary school that Phil and May had picked for her. It was rather a big building, especially considering their county was not that densely populated, but May guessed the school had been built in the time period when there were lots of little kids to be teaching, and the birth rate in this area had been dropping for a while. (Guess May surprisingly changed the average.)

Daisy helped Amy climb out of the car and their hands remained entwined while they walked up to the entrance, the building becoming increasingly more intimidating to the little girl.

“Look, they’re playing hopscotch,” May said, pointing at a group of little kids playing outside - the weather had been rather nice lately. Amy didn’t pay attention to what she had said, however, as she remained looking at the front of the building. 

“What do the letters say, Cay Cay?” Amy asked, her voice a little timid as opposed to her usual voice. May could tell she was shaking a little, too, so she decided to hold on to the girl’s other hand, so that she was flanked by her biggest fans and supporters, who could give her strength and courage. 

“It says the name of the school.”

“Will I learn to read them?”

“Eventually, yes.”

“Today?”

“I don’t think you’ll be able to read them today, no, but if you try hard enough, perhaps you’ll be able to before the end of the school year.”

A young, kind receptionist finally noticed their entrance and greeted them warmly, shaking Amy’s hand and asking for her name. They were shown around the building briefly, not every room was explained but the cafeteria, and the room where Amy would most likely be taught, were touched upon. 

“And this is Mrs. Selic,” the woman said as they stood in front of a glass door that allowed them to look into the classroom. It was another young woman, perhaps Daisy’s age, hair dark, figure far from slender but incredibly gorgeous on her. She was reading to a group of about fifteen little kids, all a little older than Amy, who were listening to her with rapt attention while she was reading them a book. “She will be your teacher when you start, Amelia.”

“Is she nice?” Amy asked.

“Of course she’s nice! If you want, you can meet her briefly.”

Amy nodded and the receptionist knocked on the door, waving at Mrs. Selic as the young woman noticed them standing there. She said something to the class, which caused all of their attention to disappear like snow in the summer as they found each other again and started talking amongst themselves. 

“Hi! You must be Amelia!”

“Amy.”

“Amy, of course, my apologies. As I understand it, you will be in my class soon enough, won’t you, Amy?”

Amy nodded, but not before looking at her mother to see what her correct answer would be. 

“Well, I’ll be honored to have you in my class, Amy. In fact, I can’t wait. What do you say, will you stay with me for a bit and play with the other kids?”

Amy looked rather hesitant at this, looking into the classroom once more. The kids were older than her and she wasn’t quite used to that - over the years, she had garnered some superiority for herself at the daycare, being one of the oldest and longest going kids, and she knew every single soul there, including all the little ones. The idea of spending time with older kids, something she hadn’t done in quite some time, must scare her a little. But she straightened her back, squeezed May’s hand and then nodded towards Mrs. Selic. The teacher smiled warmly at the little girl and reached out her hand.

“I’m sure the others will be just delighted to welcome you.”

Amy didn’t look over her shoulder at her mother and sister as she joined the other kids, who smiled brightly at her and welcomed her amongst them instantly. May felt herself being plastered against the window, looking as Mrs. Selic nodded at them, then closed the door and continued her story, picking up the book she had been reading before and instantly grabbing all the attention. 

Amy was in good hands. She had been to daycare for years, and nothing bad had happened there, aside from some little accidents as she had tried to get potty-trained. Yet somehow, the idea that Amy was taking this big step in her life, even if it felt small, scared May. She would be growing up much sooner after this, she knew, and May couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Daisy reached for May’s hand and when the older woman looked at the other, they smiled forlornly at each other. Daisy must be feeling the same things as May was, being the extra parent for Amy over the years.

“She’ll be fine. We’ll be missing her the most.”

That was probably true. 

~...~

Phil had picked up Amy on his way home from work, excited to be sharing a little bit in this big next step. He seemed to be happy about all this, proud that his little girl was finally entering this great, big world, even if it was just a little bit. May couldn’t find it in herself to share that sentiment. 

Amy had apparently been rambling all the way from the schoolyard to home, and she was still talking excitedly when they entered the home. May had been cuddling Tommy in an attempt to calm herself down, yet at some point Daisy had taken the baby from her because she was merely upsetting him instead of offering him comfort - May hadn’t even noticed. 

Amy smiled at her mother and hugged her tightly. 

“How was school, Amy?” May asked, not sure she wanted to know of all the happy things Amy had been doing all day long while May had been sitting at home basically eating herself up in worry and fear, but the little girl couldn’t hear all that in her mother’s voice. 

“It was so much fun, Mommy! Mrs. Selic is super nice and the other kids are too! And I even learned a little math today! I can count to three!” She pursed her lips and pressed her brows together in concentration, even whipping out her hand to help her in the task. “One… two… three!”

“That’s amazing, baby girl. I’m so proud of you.” May brushed the girl’s hair behind her ears and pressed a long kiss to her cheek. “I’m so glad to hear you had fun.”

Amy nodded enthusiastically. “I did, Mommy. You don’t have to worry!”

Of course, Amelia always knew what her mother was thinking and feeling, as if she were attuned to May’s feelings - and in a way, she was. May still remembered holding baby Amelia against her chest while she had been grieving heavily, and the little baby had pushed up and stared at her mother, before smiling brightly, which always brought out a smile in May, too. Amy had always known exactly what to do to make her mother feel better, and May had felt ashamed of that at first, because the only way the girl could be able to do that was because May had been a shitty mother, but she had found out eventually that it was the bond between a mother and a daughter. And their bond was even tighter than most, because they had only had each other for a long time - and Daisy on the side, providing comfort and happiness to both of them when they had needed it. 

“I wasn’t worried, baby girl.”

“You were. But it’s okay, Mommy. I was scared a little at first but I think I’m ready.”

“Ready? For what?”

“To be a gardener.”

Phil laughed from the kitchen and Amy whipped her head around, offended by her father’s laughter, and was about to stamp off and tell him off, when she looked back to her mother.

“I wuv you, Mommy.”

“I wuv you too, baby girl.”

They hugged briefly before Amy returned to her offended mood and went over to her father.

“If you want to be a gardener, you can help me with the goldenrods outside.”

“Noooo, not a gardener, daddy, a  _ gardener _ .”

May smiled and breathed in deeply. 

She had to take it one tiny step at a time. Amy was growing up, and again, that was a fortunate thing, because May couldn’t possibly fathom what it would be like if the little girl just simply stopped growing up altogether. (She was lying - she knew exactly what it would be like, because it would be the end of Melinda May.)

“Oh, you mean, a kindergartener.”

The two of them fully threw themselves into their banter and May took pleasure in simply looking at them, feeling warmth and love spread throughout her at the thought that they were her family - that these idiots were  _ her  _ idiots. 

~...~

The kids were a little bit used to spending weekends with their big sister or their aunts and uncles, but it was always just the weekends because everyone had work the rest of the week and they couldn't leave for much longer.

That was, until Maria Hill dropped an envelope on the table, just barely missing Coulson's morning cup of coffee. He had been reading the newspaper, mentally preparing himself to be substituting for Mrs. Blade, who was on maternity leave, and would be substituted properly in a week or so. (Apparently, she was suffering some minor complications making it impossible for her to keep working, so the school put him in her stead for the time being. It also made him realize how lucky he and Melinda were, because she'd had little to no complications during her pregnancies.) 

He hadn't expected Maria Hill to show up here, of course. She was dressed casually, for as much as sunglasses indoors could be called casual. She leaned against the table with her arms crossed.

"What are you waiting for?"

"What am I waiting for?"

"Yeah. Your kid just graduated and she has a clear schedule for the next few weeks, at least. Now's your shot."

"To do what, exactly?"

She huffed out of annoyance and made to leave. She shook her head. "You call yourself a super spy."

He smiled as he watched her leave the teacher's room, then looked down at the envelope on the table. He had a feeling what it was, because ever since SHIELD, and especially Maria Hill despite her not working for the organization anymore, had learned of his return, they had been funding things right and left, making family life for Coulson easier but also a little weird. He didn't want their blood money, but he had tried to turn it down before, and they had just doubled the amount. 

Coulson knew Maria still had ties with SHIELD, she could never fully drop it, much like Melinda. Their lives were there, for the better part, most of their adult years had been spent there and they had sacrificed a lot for the existence of the organization. Yet he also knew neither of them could ever return to the field, because that was reserved for agents who had nothing to lose, and who hadn't lost as much as these women had. 

He shook his head and opened the envelope, a sneaking suspicion of what was inside, and his suspicions were confirmed when he found two plane tickets inside and a piece of paper that looked like an accommodation voucher.

_ "It's not blood money, Sir. It's reparations." _

There was only one person within SHIELD who still called him that, and the only reason for that was that he was actually the only one of the old gang still in SHIELD. 

Coulson grabbed a dictionary off the shelf, pulled out his phone and called Mack. He didn't give the man the chance to say anything, but cut right to the chase.

"Blood money, noun. 'Money or some sort of compensation paid by an offender to the family or kin group of the victim.' Reparations, noun. 'The action of making amends for a wrong one has done, by providing payment or other assistance to those who have been wronged.'"

Mack laughed at the other end of the line and Coulson could just imagine the man shrugging while also simultaneously rub the bridge of his nose.

"Sir, you've just proven us both wrong. It's the same thing, alright. SHIELD has taken too much from you and Agent May. It's about time we start thanking you for your services. We'll give back plenty more in the future."

Coulson stopped arguing after that. He knew they would have trouble funding a honeymoon after the wedding, and also make sure their kids got what they deserved, so he realized that in order to have a honeymoon, he needed to accept the money. Whether he liked it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up; the honeymoon! Which is a kicker and honestly the end of the beginning, seriously. We're wrapping up here guys.


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another little heart-to-heart between our favorite lovebirds!

About a week later, Coulson found himself deboarding a plane in Finland after a long trip with two long-stretch flights while she was seated in the window seat because he was a gentleman. She slept most of the flight with her head against his shoulder, and he had found it both odd and adorable because Melinda May always got a bit tense whenever she wasn't flying herself. It only showed him how tired she was, and how different life had been since her depression had been diagnosed.  _ She _ was different, but he loved her. She was still lovable, even if she didn't think so.

She was quiet on their way to the cabin, taking in the view. He sometimes pointed out something that caught his attention but mostly stayed quiet, too. He didn't mind in the slightest, and just treasured the fact that she was here with him at all. He rushed their luggage into the cabin while she took in the beautiful view of the snowy mountains around them. He stood at the door for a moment taking in the view of her, calm and peaceful and mostly happy. He hadn't seen her like this often, not even before their lives came crashing down.

"Let's get you inside," he said softly, wrapping an arm around her and tugging lightly. She shook her head and turned towards him, placing her head against his chest and her arms wrapping around his waist.

She was almost uncharacteristically clingy, and while she had been like this before for various reasons, it did surprise him just a little that she was currently this way. It only showed him how tired she was and how much she needed a break, even if she would never say that out loud.

He also realized she was probably having one of these by now rare attacks where she felt even sadder than she usually did, so he knew he had to stay close and help her through it. Tommy had been a bit fussy when they had left because he was starting to realize that anytime they hugged or kissed him while packed luggage was waiting at the front door, he would have to miss them for a few days, and he didn't agree with that. Add that to Melinda's already existing guilt of leaving her babies alone to have some time off with Phil, mixed with her depression and you get the Melinda that was standing here in front of him in that moment. 

She sighed almost wistfully, her head still against his chest, and they stood there for a while, until he felt her start to shiver despite the comical amount of clothing she was wearing, and he pulled her with him inside the cabin.

He warmed her up by amateurishly trying to get some fire started in the fireplace, then sat her in front of it with a blanket wrapped around her. He fed her, made sure she was comfortable, it was all he could do.

"Now you're just exaggerating, Phil," Melinda stated, her voice a bit louder than it had been the last time she had spoken, which was probably hours ago. He shook his head.

"I'm not. You're my wife. I have the honor of taking care of you."

She huffed but he could see the small smile on her lips when she lifted her cup of tea to take a sip. She muttered something about making their time worthwhile as she settled into his side, and she was already drifting off to sleep but fighting it. She had just enough strength in her to finish her tea, before snuggling against him and letting out another sigh.

"You really think they won't hate us for this?"

"For what? Having some 'us' time? Mel, if anything, they'll love us even more when we get back. We'll have renewed energy and much more love to give."

She didn't respond because he knew she didn't agree with it, even if she had seen the happy faces of all three of their kids when they had come home after their previous trip. Amy and Tommy were too young to understand why their parents were going away, although Amy was slowly starting to understand. What would you expect from a four year old, however? 

"When they're a little older, they'll understand. And by then they'll have sleepovers to get away from us and even out the score."

She huffed but he knew she realized he was right. Parents going away for the weekend to recharge hardly equaled child abuse or neglect, although he could understand why Mama May would feel bad about leaving her babies behind, even temporarily. They were in the best of hands because Daisy was looking after them, and she would never let anything bad happen to her baby siblings.

"Phil?"

She was quiet and tired and he knew she should sleep some.

"Hmm?"

"I love you. You know that, right?"

"Of course, Melinda. Hey, my sweet, I'll never doubt how much you love me. As long as you'll always remember how much I love you."

She nodded. She leaned up and kissed his lips and it was the first time they had kissed since arriving at Rochester Airport almost 24 hours ago. He hadn't really imagined their honeymoon like this but then they still had over a week, and even if they stayed inside the cabin for the rest of the week like they were now, he would still be the happiest man alive. He got to hold Melinda May. That would make any man happy.

"I'm sorry I'm like this," she whispered. He shook his head. "I'll be better tomorrow."

"It was a long trip. Let's get you to bed."

She didn't protest when he lifted her and carried her to the bedroom, where he helped her undress and slip into the bed. 

He would always take care of her. He would be lying if he said that there wasn't a small part in him that wished that she might be happy and carefree one day, but he was realistic. 

Melinda May was his wife, sure, but she was depressed. He knew that was often a lifelong illness that needed to be closely watched and tended to, but that was what he had signed up for when he had married her. She had helped him through his last moments on Tahiti, more dead than alive, and she had done it all while pregnant and madly in love with him. He couldn't imagine what that must have felt like, how her heart must have been torn apart and yet she'd had to keep going, had to focus, for him. He had needed her. 

Well, now she needed him. He would do right by her and repay her just like this. She deserved that much.

~...~

When May awoke the next morning, she was disoriented for just a little while as she got accustomed to a different bedroom, but she soon felt a familiar warmth against her back and realized where she was. She also immediately remembered the previous day, and how distant and depressed she had been. It was totally unfair to him. He was just as tired as she was, she knew that, and he had worried about Thomas too.

She quietly turned in his arms.

She felt slightly better now. Rested, for a change, and no crying toddler or preschooler (or young adult) waking her too damn early. It was quiet. Just this week, she liked it. She could almost hear nature outside, but she also knew houses in this region were incredibly well isolated to keep the warmth in so she was probably imagining things. She liked the peace. Although, she loved the chaos at home more. It gave her a purpose, and a headache. 

She kissed his chest softly, not wanting him to wake up just yet. She just wanted to watch him for now. He must have been disappointed that their first evening of their honeymoon had effectively gone to waste, but he would never admit that to her. It wouldn't be their first getaway that was spent remarkably sexless, taking pleasure from being able to sleep in, which was any parent's biggest fantasy, especially those with young kids.

Her heart ached dully when she thought of her own young kids. Amy was used to the little getaways, and didn't mind them much, but Tommy had made it very clear that he didn't like them leaving. It had taken every inch of her self control not to stay at home and call off their trip. Phil was right, however - in a few years, they would understand. They wouldn't even remember this, considering they were too young to retain memories. Still, it ate at her conscience and there was no way she could turn that little voice off until she was back home with a baby under each arm.

She brushed that thought away and looked at Phil again. He was so beautiful. She didn't know what she had done to deserve him. She knew anyone would have probably ran away screaming with how she behaved and treated the people around her, but Phil had never been scared to be with her and care for her. She could be nasty to him but he would still kiss her and flash her that beautiful smile of his.

She kissed his upper arm, his left, which ended abruptly just underneath his elbow. She thought back to when she had gotten that news, and she had been rightfully worried about him. He had downplayed it, of course, made it seem to the outside world that it was no big deal and that he was okay. She had always been able to read him, however, no matter the circumstances, so she had seen that he had in fact been bothered by it, as he probably should be. She regretted the fact that she had been absent during his recovery, because he had needed a friend, he had needed her. She was relieved that he was able to joke about it now with conviction, although he had been making jokes about it very soon after the incident. (He always made jokes about heavy subjects, that was just his way of dealing with the pain.)

He was comfortable with himself now, even if he was missing half of one arm and the other arm was a little numb because of the fractures it had sustained in the beating many weeks ago. He had suffered a few nightmares as a result of the incident, had imagined his attackers beating up Amelia instead, and he had woken up screaming a few nights. She had held him through it, as any loving partner would. God knows he had held her like that many times even before they had gotten together. She owed her life to him, because if it wasn't for Phil, she would most likely be dead. She would probably have been stuck inside her suicidal tendencies the rest of her life, and one of her attempts was bound to succeed.

She got shivers down her spine. She couldn't believe that she had been that deep down in the well, that she had thought it was a good idea to take her own life. Of course, many days still sucked and she often had trouble pulling herself out of that figurative ditch, but she had something to live for now, the love of her life to grow old with. She had loved her daughters very much but they had been unable to fill the void that Phil had left after his death - and they had tried with all their might, especially Daisy. She felt bad about being unable to find peace during that time, because she had not been alone and she'd had people supporting her, it just hadn't been enough.

A touch on her nose pulled her out of her thoughts, and she found Phil looking at her, his finger tracing gentle lines on her face. He was smiling faintly, although it was obvious he had only just woken up.

"Hey," he whispered softly, leaning in to kiss her briefly, before continuing his ministrations on her face. He traced her lips, her chin, then went back up the same path until his finger disappeared in her hair.

"Hey," she replied. She couldn't stop the smile from spreading on her lips, because her heart was overflowing with love, he was so gentle and kind and beautiful and she was still so madly in love with him, she could hardly believe it. He made her feel worthy, loved, cared for, like no one else had ever made her feel. Perhaps it was Stockholm Syndrome, but her captor definitely loved her very much, too.

"How you feeling?"

"I'm sorry for yesterday."

"That wasn't my question," he said, slightly teasing but mostly serious. He brushed a lone strand of hair behind her ear. "How are you now?"

She took the time to think about her answer. He had done this before, many times even, and he would never accept a quick brushing off or diversion into small talk. He actually cared, her feelings mattered, and he would always keep her in mind when they would slip into their daily lives. One of his best traits, she had to admit, but also an annoying one, seeing as she wouldn't be able to escape this line of questioning until she told the truth.

"I'm… better. I feel guilty about being the way I was yesterday, but I… was very tired, and I just…" She'd had trouble to simply smile the day before, because every fiber in her had fought against it, was keeping her solemn and quiet. He had definitely deserved better but they couldn't deny that both of them were rather used to it.

"It's okay. I know it feels anything but, but it's okay. I know how difficult it was to leave. I'm proud of you for taking that step." He brushed her cheek and his smile deepened, as if in understanding, compassion, he had always been one of the few who could really fathom how her mind worked, and how she reacted to her inner struggles. Of course he understood her. "Hey. You've always known I'll never hurt you, no matter what. And quite frankly, there's not a lot you could say or do that would hurt me. If there's anyone you can vent with, it's me. I'll never judge. I'll never push you away."

"Aren't you ever tired of dealing with me?"

"No, never." He didn't miss a single beat, as though he had already expected that question was on the horizon. "I love you, Melinda. You are important to me. You matter to me. I will never do wrong by you because without you… I would simply cease to exist. And, Melinda… you're still strong, even if you don't think so yourself. Your enemy is different now, it's not some man twice your size but your depression, but you're still fighting hard. I hate that I can't always fight alongside you, like in the old days… but I'm proud that you let me patch you up after another battle."

"It's not really a battle."

"Well, maybe not. But unfortunately, I've seen you lose a few times, and it's the worst thing I could ever…"

She thought back to that one dark night, and realized he was right - her depression was very much a war, but rather than fighting an enemy with a gun, this enemy threw much worse things at her. She couldn't fight this with her flexibility, her training in martial arts, her excellent although reluctant marksmanship. She couldn't fight this alone. She needed allies, needed people who could protect her even when she said she didn't need protecting. 

She needed Phil. Perhaps she was the only person who could one day beat her depression, but Phil was the one who would save and protect her in the meantime. She was eternally grateful for his help.

"Let's have breakfast," Phil suggested, his hand now on her hip. She smiled, appreciating his attempt to change the subject, and shook her head.

"Let's…" The sentence fell silent as she leaned in and kissed him, pulling him closer with a hand in the back of his neck. 

Instead of breakfast, she got lost in the feel of him against her.


	64. Chapter 64

They didn't get to have breakfast until much later that morning, but Coulson wasn't really hungry anyway. He much preferred to spend his morning kissing his beautiful wife, and have her writhe underneath him in pleasure.

She was resting against his chest, still slightly out of breath. He felt that they needed to get back to the conversation they had before they started their many rounds of lovemaking, but he didn't know if she would want to. Perhaps after he had gotten some food into her…

She got up suddenly, straightening her hair just slightly and reaching for his shirt, which she donned and practically drowned in. She threw him a soft smile over her shoulder and then left the room.

He had seen her in one of his shirts more than once, although the earlier ones had been more out of convenience than anything else. Of course, it had filled his heart with feeling, only briefly, before he would see how injured she was, or pissed off, or both. The first time she had worn his shirt, simply because she wanted to, was on Tahiti. His heart had overflowed with love for her, here she was, the woman of his dreams, and she was wearing one of his shirts with absolutely nothing underneath and which man wouldn't get a kick out of that? She had worn several of his shirts then, whichever was closest after they had carelessly thrown their clothing around the room, and the feeling of love and wonder had never lessened. Even when he didn't have most of his memory after his return, seeing her in one of his shirts did things to him he couldn't explain. 

He remembered Melinda during her pregnancy, Tommy safely tucked away in her womb, and her belly had slowly filled his oversized shirts, until the only thing she could fit in was her maternity clothing. Still, she had insisted on wearing his shirts whenever she could, even if it meant that the fabric stretched almost beyond its limits. Knowing how big her belly had been just days before she had given birth, and the acquired knowledge that her bump while carrying Amy hadn't been any smaller, Coulson wondered how it was possible for her belly to have returned to its original size. Well, mostly, she still had some baby fat there, but he loved seeing it on her, loved knowing that two babies had been conceived and grown in there, that they had been blessed with two children.

"I'm surprised you're still in bed," she said, popping her head around the corner. He looked at her.

"I thought you would be able to go to the toilet unassisted."

"True. I'm making us breakfast, though."

God, no. She was a horrible cook. She might burn down this lovely cabin.

He jumped out of bed and quickly put on his boxers, before rushing out of the room and into the kitchen, ready to salvage whatever he could. He was surprised to find the kitchen still intact, a single pan on the stove with what looked like eggs and a bottle of orange juice on the counter with two glasses already stacked and ready.

He looked at her and she shrugged, smiled, then kissed his cheek and continued with cooking.

"Where did you learn how to cook?"

"My husband taught me."

He looked at her in awe as she worked around the kitchen, and he eventually sat down after having set the table. The last time he had seen her cook, she had basically nearly burned a pot of water, and now she was cooking scrambled eggs without problem. He did still underestimate her, it seemed.

"Who are you and what have you done with Melinda May?"

She smiled and put her finished product on the table, stealing a kiss before sitting across from him. They had their breakfast in silence, although he couldn't help himself from tracing her foot and her calf with his foot, and he loved the way her cheeks reddened slightly. Most of their morning spent making love didn't appear to be enough for his tiny wife. 

"Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"Have I ever told you about Bahrain?"

Shit. Despite his ministrations of her legs, her thoughts were still going back there.

"You've told me enough."

She shook her head, put down her fork. She averted her eyes briefly before continuing. He wasn't sure if he wanted her to keep talking but he did know that anytime she could talk about something, he should allow her to. She often felt better afterwards. 

"I've never told you the full story. I… don't know why, to be honest." She was thinking again, pausing, opening her mouth to say something but then being unable to conjure up any words. "What do you know about it?"

"I know you went inside and got our people out. You couldn't save the girl."

She took in a deep breath and he wanted to reach out for her, hold her hand, perhaps it would make this easier. He didn't even know what had driven her to start this line of conversation. 

"We don't have to talk about this, Melinda," he suggested quietly. He didn't want her to push too far. She deserved at least some happy memories on their honeymoon.

She met his eyes. "I killed her, Phil. She wasn't in the line of fire, it wasn't an accident. I killed her. I… had to. Everybody else would have died. But it didn't make me feel any better, to know that. She didn't… deserve to die. She… we could have helped her, you know? Like we tried to help Skye, way back when. But… Katya was too far gone. And again… that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better, either. I feel like… I sealed my fate that day, you know? Andrew and I were trying to conceive and here I was, shooting someone else's baby, and… I knew I didn't deserve to have a baby myself, after that." She took in a deep breath. "So, I killed her. That's the truth. You deserve to hear it."

He nodded but remained silent, allowing her to add more thoughts if she wanted to. Aside from her shaking hands, she looked rather calm, which he hadn't quite expected while discussing this subject. Bahrain would forever be the one thing Melinda May could never overcome, and it didn't help matters that nobody knew the entire story and as a result, started creating their own. They had deemed her a hero, which she was, but her newfound nickname only brought her back to that dark moment, possibly the darkest in her life. 

He had always had suspicions about what had really happened, but he figured the death of a child in her presence, whilst she had been unable to help the little girl, could be enough to break anyone, even May. To hear that she had killed the girl on purpose… it explained so much.

"You did what you had to."

"No. I had a duty to protect her, and I didn't."

"She would have killed everybody, maybe even you."

"But she would be alive!"

And then, she cracked. She was trying to be tough but she knew that in his presence, she was safe and she could let go - so she did. He was already on his knees by her side to hold her. 

"I should have saved her, Phil! She had no idea what she was doing, but there must have been a way to save her! If only I had called you in, you would know what to do, we could have helped her! What if I had shot Daisy, too, when she had gotten her powers? I never would have forgiven myself!"

"But you didn't, my love," he whispered, brushing the top of her hand. "You were the only one who protected her, right until Jiaying snatched her away. You believed in Daisy, you went above and beyond to make sure she was safe. You know she loves you for that, loves you to bits. And all those agents who were with us in Bahrain, they owe their life to you. You… might have ended the life of one child, but you made sure the lives of many others could continue, with their loving fathers by their sides. Nobody hates you for what you did, or didn't do." The only one who hated Melinda May, seemed to be Melinda May. "My sweet. You have nothing to feel sorry for. You did the best you could, and you did it all by yourself."

She cried, holding on to his hands, while hers were still shaking pretty badly.

"Don't you hate me now, Phil?" she pressed out between sobs. His heart broke. "Knowing I killed a child?"

"No, Melinda. You did what you had to do. I know it will probably never feel that way to you, and I'm sorry that you have to live with it in this way… but I know you. You always make the right call. I don't know if there was anything we could have done for her, I didn't see her enough, but if your gut told you that this was the best thing to do, I trust your gut. The fact that it impacts you in this way, proves what a wonderful being you are. And, my love, you're not undeserving of children because of this. If anything, there is nobody who deserves a child more than you do. Amelia and Thomas are enough evidence to that. You're the best mother they could ever hope for. Even Daisy loves you as a mom, and she had a choice in the matter. You're underselling yourself, Melinda. And I'll remind you again… there's nothing you could do or say that would make me stop loving you."

"Even this?"

He nodded. "Even this. Considering the circumstances, you did the right thing. And I'm thankful that you trusted me enough to tell me. It explains a lot."

She frowned, slightly offended it seemed.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, yeah. You never wanted to talk about it, not even to Andrew, so it had to be more than what you always told us."

They were quiet after that, while he brushed her hair out of her face and kissed the knuckles on her hands. His knees were starting to hurt a little but it didn't matter.

"I'm sorry I doubted you," she whispered eventually. "I should have known you wouldn't… turn on me."

"You have nothing to feel sorry for, Melinda. I'm so proud of you for telling me. And it's true, I'll never let you down. You know that by now."

She nodded, brushing her own tears away. He knew her. She felt stupid now for having cried like that, she had basically had a breakdown, but she didn't need to feel that way. Of course, he would never attempt to minimize her feelings, and tell her that she shouldn't cry, because he knew it was better for her to cry. Bottling up feelings had never worked in Melinda May's favor.

He took her hand and pulled her up from the chair, guiding her to the couch where he sat down first, and allowed her to snuggle into him however she saw fit. Her head ended up against his chest, her cheek resting just beside his heart. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and held her close, while she gave into more tears, and sobbed against him. 

Then, after a few minutes, it was quiet. Coulson thought May might have drifted off, which wouldn't be too bad, but then she spoke.

"I'm so exhausted," she whispered. "All the time. Of fighting myself. My depression. I still have nightmares about Bahrain, believe it or not. I had one… this night… and instead of Katya, it was Daisy, and I… I would say I need therapy, but that's… well…" She looked up. "Sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up. And… it terrifies me, I don't want to leave you or the kids behind like that, but… it's the truth. Sometimes, I wish I had jumped off that bridge. Or slit my wrists properly. And I'm so… so…  _ tired _ of fighting it all the god damn time. I'm trying, I really am, but I'm afraid… I'll just run out of energy to keep fighting. And I hate that I'm this weak, stupid, emotional woman now, who cries all the time. But I feel… like I need to be that, because otherwise, I'll run out of stamina to fight the suicidal thoughts. I can't fight to be the Cavalry, because I might run out of energy and just… die. I don't want to die, but at the same time, I do. And I'm tired of feeling that way, too. And that's… why I sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up. Just so that I wouldn't have to fight anymore."

She took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, and while her breathing was still a little shaky, she was no longer crying.

Her words shocked him, although he'd had a hunch she felt this way for a while now. He felt so incredibly useless because there was no way for him to help her except hold her when she needed it and make sure she was safe otherwise. He wished he could help fight her battles, like he had in the past. They were a good team in the field. This was something else entirely, though. 

"I love you, Melinda," he whispered. He knew nothing he said or did would help her feel any better but at least she would know that he cared. "I always will. I would care if you died… I don't…"

He truly didn't know what to say that wouldn't make this feeling worse for her. Perhaps she was too far gone, but he refused to believe that. She had never given up on him, so he would not give up on her.

"Thank you for telling me about your suicidal thoughts," he whispered eventually. "And I hope you'll keep talking about them, to me, or Sarah, or even Daisy. We're… all here to help you, and we would be… sad if you died." Sad was an understatement but he didn't want to throw guilt in the mix, she was already feeling horrible. 

"I hope crying relieves some of the feelings inside you. I don't think of you as weak for crying… I think you're strong for allowing yourself to let go, and I admire your trust in me to show that side of you. And I hope… that one day, you'll see that too, that crying isn't a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength, of courage, trust. I admire you greatly, Melinda."

"Why?"

"Why not? You're still here, Melinda. Despite everything, you're alive. I don't even want to think about what you've been through, but you pushed through it. That's the epitome of strength to me, that you're still here."

She looked up at him and he could see new tears in her eyes, could see how hard she was fighting to stop them.

"You can let go, Melinda. I've got you, I always will."

They sat there on the couch for the remainder of the morning, what little was left of it, with her crying in his arms and him consoling her the best he could. He would always do this for her, if she wanted him to.


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, yes I have been away for a while. Sorry about that! Wasn't feeling so well but today is a better day, so I can give you some content for this story! Also, trying desperately to wrap up this story, I have part of an ending written (which is the next chapter, btw) but I just don't know where to take this, lol. I'll figure it out. But it might take some more time, which I hope you'll grant me (and I know you will.) So I apologize in advance, but I'm trying my best!

Phil had been nothing but sweet and considerate since they had arrived in that cute little cabin, and all May had been doing was let her depression take the reigns, crying in his arms all morning.

She felt so stupid. It didn't matter that he would always be there for her to hold her that way… no, she was wrong, it  _ did _ matter, because when her tears had seized, he had looked at her with that soft smile of his and she had just felt love wash over her at the sight.

"Better?" he had asked her. She had rolled her eyes but the fact that he had managed to make a small smile appear on her lips was proof that he really did improve her mood, no matter what her current mood was. The clouds above her head had been so incredibly dark and threatening and she had feared she wouldn't be able to get through it, but then his arms had appeared around her and it was like the sun broke through.

He had convinced her to go out for a stroll, and she just held onto him while they walked through the snowy forests. She would almost forget where they were, but remembered when they met some locals who greeted them kindly in Finnish. The people here were so polite, but perhaps Americans were too and she had just never noticed.

She wondered if people could tell that she was depressed, wondered whether it was written on her forehead, but then realized one could never truly know the struggles someone was dealing with. She had always been quiet, yes, but she had been relatively happy before, when all she had known was Phil Coulson as her best friend and Andrew Garner as her boyfriend. She hadn't known then that that would probably be the happiest she had ever been, and somewhat longed to go back in time. However, she knew what traumas still lay ahead of her, and she could never go through them again.

She fleetingly wished she could warn her younger self, prepare her for the nightmares that were still to come, but knew it wouldn't have made anything easier to deal with.

Phil pointed out a beautiful sight of white mountains, enthusing about the green trees indicating where the oxygen was dense enough for plants to grow. He was such a dork.

"I'm happy I married you," she said softly as she entwined their hands, her face against his upper arm. He paused in his rambling and looked down at her, and she swore she could  _ hear _ the smile that formed on his lips. 

"I'm glad you feel that way."

She nodded in response, burrowing a bit closer to him. 

She wasn't lying nor exaggerating. She'd had her reservations when he had asked her the first time around, while on Tahiti, but he had proven very quickly that despite being bedridden and practically on the verge of dying, he still tried everything within his power and capabilities to be a good husband to her. He had made her feel appreciated and loved and she hadn't felt that way often. It was a shame it had been so short lived, but they got a second chance now. 

They sat down on a bench with a marvelous view of the mountains, and despite the cold all around them, she felt so warm next to him. His arms closed around her perfectly and he felt solid, very real. 

She still had to pinch herself that he was here. That he had somehow lived. How was that possible? She would never know.

She focused on the sight in front of her again, a little bit distracted by his hand which was drawing circles on the top of her hand, when her eyes landed on a figure standing a bit too close by the ledge. May was immediately on guard - she still remembered clearly when she had been sitting on top of that bridge, and although she was aware this didn’t have to be like that, she got a feeling it was. 

“Phil.”

She looked at him briefly, seeing that he had also spotted the stranger, and before she could change her mind, she went over to the person carefully. Upon closer inspection, May found it was a young woman, probably not much older than Daisy.

“Hello,” she said softly, not wanting to startle her, but also wanting to get her attention. The woman froze but didn’t turn around. “My name is Melinda. What’s your name?”

She didn’t respond, just kept staring ahead of her. May looked over her shoulder and saw Phil was keeping himself at a distance, but she knew he would step in if it was necessary. 

At one point, the young woman looked down into the raveen and one of her feet lifted off the ground - May didn’t hesitate and pulled her backwards, and they both landed into the fresh snow with a loud thud. While the woman had seemed pretty calm up until that point, as soon as she hit the ground (not the direction she had intended), something inside of her seemed to break and she started sobbing almost immediately. 

“God,” she breathed, shocked at what she had almost attempted, and perhaps shame because she hadn’t succeeded. May knew what she might be feeling, had felt all of this, too, seemingly a long time ago now. “Oh my god.”

“It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

The woman looked up at May and though it hurt to admit - it felt a lot like looking into a mirror, because for all the progress May had made in the past few years, trying to deal with her depression, on the inside she was still as fragile and scared as this young woman was, always seemingly just on the verge of stepping over that ledge. 

The young woman reached out and held onto one of May’s hands, both of them shaking. 

May would never wish depression even upon her greatest enemy, because it killed you slowly from the inside, made you doubt everything and everybody, weakened every happy memory, old or new, until all that was left inside your head was just darkness. She wished she could do more for this woman than to sit here holding hands, but if there had been anything she could do to make her inner thoughts disappear, surely, May wouldn’t be depressed anymore, either. 

“What’s your name?” May asked, because she knew she shouldn’t focus too much on what had just happened and should instead attempt to bring the woman back to the here and now. She was trying to remember what it was that Saanvi had said on top of that bridge, what had caused her to step down from that ledge, but she couldn’t really remember it except for the fact that Saanvi had made her remember her beautiful daughters, which had flooded her heart with lovely thoughts, temporarily getting rid of the bad ones which were telling her to jump.

“Anneli.”

Thank goodness the young woman was present enough to be answering May’s questions. 

“Nice to meet you, Anneli. I’m Melinda.”

Anneli nodded, and held onto May’s hands a little tighter, and May made a promise to the young woman not to let go until she was completely in safe hands. 

May looked over her shoulder again and saw Phil, pretty much in the same position as he had been moments earlier, but his worried expression had somewhat lessened now that they weren’t so close to the edge anymore. 

“That’s my husband, Phil.”

“You’re American?” Anneli asked, her voice sweet yet laced with pain and sorrow, it seemed. Maybe May was imagining things now, but she could definitely feel the woman’s pain radiating off of her. 

“That’s correct. We’re here on our honeymoon.”

“That’s nice,” Anneli said, before her eyes filled with tears and she broke down into May’s arms. There was great pain inside this girl, and May’s heart broke for her. She wouldn’t begin to speculate what had happened to make Anneli stand here today, but something inside her resonated with May, sounded and felt familiar.

They heard footsteps in the snow and May turned her head, careful not to let go of the crying woman in her arms. A man, perhaps in his late thirties, disheveled and panicking. That was, until he saw the young Anneli, and let out a sigh of relief.

_ “Melinda! Oh my god! Please get down!” _

_ “Daisy… Phil…” _

_ “I know, Melinda. But this is not the way. Please. I love you. Please come down.” _

“Anneli!” He said more but it was said in Finnish, as he dropped to his knees and pulled her into his arms. The woman seemed relieved that he was there, and there was a lot of respect in the way they embraced each other, so perhaps siblings. He whispered things to her, and May had enough experience with loving relationships to know that they were sweet little nothings, despite the different language, she would always recognize them. She looked at Phil briefly, who was taking in the scene before him, too. 

“ _ Kiitos _ ,” the man breathed, looking at May. “ _ Kiitos paljon _ .”

She recognized those words - they had been uttered by countless service agents and other locals in their polite conversations with Phil and her. He was thanking her, for what she didn’t know, but the words were heartfelt and came from a place of such love. 

“That’s alright,” she waved off without thinking further about it. Then, the realization of what had almost occurred hit her - this young woman had nearly killed herself, and May, despite battling her own demons that were always telling her to step off that ledge, had talked her off of that same ledge. She had become her own Saanvi, in a way. Or Brian, because she had not forgotten his wise words yet.

The man helped Anneli to get up and kept an arm around her, both keeping her close, preventing her from doing something incredibly stupid, but also to make sure she knew she wasn’t alone and that he would be there for her. May felt immensely for this young woman, felt her pain, but also felt the love that she had for this man, and no doubt many others that similarly cared about her, but which she was stubbornly ignoring. 

“Thank you,” the man said again. He introduced himself as Lukas, Anneli’s brother. Of course they were siblings - she had already had that hunch the first time she had seen him. She knew how powerful sibling love could be, she had seen it in her own children. Daisy especially would die for her baby siblings, and in their own way, the littles ones would definitely return the favor. 

The two of them were about to leave when something came over May - call it Providence, call it whatever you wanted. She simply couldn’t let this woman go without a final word. 

_ “There’s nothing here for me.” _

_ “I doubt that.” _

She put her hands on the woman’s upper arms and looked at her intently.

“Anneli,” she said, almost a whisper, but loud enough for the woman to hear without trouble. “I know how tough things look. There are times when our minds won’t allow us to look at happier things. I know this. But I also know it won’t always be this way. I know I have no way of knowing this for sure, god knows I still struggle with this every day. But I know it will get better, because you and I both know there have been hard times before, times where we doubted ourselves and our place in the world, and we got through that alright. We even got through yesterday. We kept breathing, we kept eating, we kept sleeping, we kept taking all those little baby steps. It takes incredible willpower to keep doing that, Anneli, and we keep doing that on a daily basis. That’s incredibly powerful. And I’m so proud of you for continuing to get through that.” May looked at Lukas, then back at Anneli. “And there are so many good people in our lives who are willing to help us. And it can be hard to let them in, but we should, because they are what makes it worthwhile in the end. And always look at the good things in life, alright?”

Anneli fell into May’s arms, sobbing once again, and May knew maternal instinct was not something she could fully turn off, not with three lovely babies who still enjoyed her comfort.

May could see Lukas walking over to Phil, and it seemed that they were exchanging phone numbers of some sort.

“Thank you, Melinda,” Anneli whispered, slowly but surely pulling herself out of May’s hold, and returning to that of her brother. Together, the two walked off, Lukas once again comforting his younger sister, with those sounds that unmistakably sounded like loving words. 

An arm snaked around May’s shoulder. She startled only a little before she realized these were familiar arms, and she closed her eyes and stepped into his hold fully. 

Adrenaline washed away, and was replaced with relief. And a full scrutinization of her own state-of-mind.

“I love you,” Phil whispered, “and I’m so proud of you.”

She looked up at him, and saw him looking down at her with that beautiful, stunning smile she had gotten so used to seeing over the years. She hadn’t had that sight for some time, and through her depression, she hadn’t often appreciated the fact that she had it now.

And for the first time in quite some time, she actually felt proud of herself, too, and found herself actually listening to the words that had come out of her mouth without second thought. It had been a part of her speaking that had been pushed to the back for years, collecting dust, getting rusty, yet when it had been activated just minutes ago, had sprung to life without further delay. 

Yes, she felt like shit. But she had felt like shit before, and she had pulled herself through those days. She had taken the baby steps, she had done the work, and had gotten to midnight after midnight without doing something stupid. She had long thought it had only been Phil enabling her to do so, and Daisy, but she was aware of the fact that at the end of the day,  _ she _ had been the one putting in the work, because she was the only one who could truly get herself through this. Phil and Daisy could get her through the next day, but it was Melinda May who would make it so that she didn’t need their help anymore. 

She put her head against his chest and took in a deep breath. It was due time to have another session with Sarah and discuss her next step.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what your thoughts were, any little comment is highly appreciated!


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